HALLOWEEN WITH THE STARS
She walked down the street to her home, oblivious to the stares she
received from the people she passed by. It was twilight, and children in
various costumes rushed by her with their parents in tow, and for the most
part it was the parents who did the staring. Even on Halloween she turned
the heads of all who saw her, and was so used to this effect that it was
as natural to her as breathing. And as a matter of fact, breathing was one
of the things she did which drew further stares.
But it was not the simple fact that she could breathe which caused
stares, but rather the effect it had on her anatomy. Some might call her
amply proportioned, but only if they lacked imagination. Her cleavage had
weakened the knees of many a brave man, while corresponding hardening other
parts of his anatomy. She was not modest regarding her figure, and
customarily showed it off in a jet black, low cut dress, slit high up the
sides to show off her shapely legs. The dress hung in tatters about her
legs, but was clearly designed for this effect. Her hair was as dark as her
attire, and piled up high in a cross between a sixties bouffant and an
eighties punk spike. At the moment, her face, made up in a way that would
have made Cleopatra envious, was pulled down in an uncharacteristic frown.
She turned up the tiny sidewalk leading to her home, and pushed the
door open silently. It had been a long day, Elvira thought to herself, and
she was ready for a bath. She picked up the mail that had been dropped
through the mail slot, and began dragging her body up the stairs. As she
climbed, she recalled the events of the day. Her manager had thought it
would be a fun idea to have her spend the past week at the mall getting her
picture taken with kids. After all, he had argued, Christmas had Santa and
Easter had the Easter Bunny. Why couldn't she become associated with
Halloween in the same fashion? It had sounded good in theory, but she had
spent the day with little kids crying and drooling on her, and also with
some not so little kids drooling over her. An overwhelming number of
adolescent males had wanted to sit on her lap, and she had had her hands full
making sure that theirs were not.
As she reached the top of the stairs, without warning a large python
dropped from an overhanging shelf and landed atop her. Elvira shrieked and
in a moment was draped in shiny serpent, its coils looping seductively about
her. She stumbled, regaining her balance, and shook her head at Boris, her
pet snake. "Bad Boris," she said, shaking a black lacquered fingernail at
the snake's expressionless head. "I've told you never to do that." Her hand
then stroked the snake's head gently, her annoyance quickly forgotten.
"Still, it's nice to feel wanted."
She unpeeled the large reptile from her body, and undressed as the
bathtub filled with water. While she waited for the tub to fill, she began
leafing through the mail. A grimace distorted her features. Bill. Bill.
Junk mail. Bill. Junk. Bill. Bill. Her eyebrows raised in curiosity.
What was this? An envelope of orange paper with her name delicately written
on it in jet black calligraphy. She ripped it open and read it to herself.
It read:
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
Your presence is cordially requested at the home
of Dr. Bram Shelley on October 31, 9:00 P.M.
for festivities celebrating this most joyous of
seasons. Casual dress or costumes requested. Anyone
who was anyone will be present.
Below this was the address of the house. Elvira turned off the bath and slid
in gently, invitation still clutched in her hand. She sighed as the water
unknotted her tense muscles. She didn't know this Bram Shelley character,
but the only plans she'd made for the evening included handing out candy to
little brats. Anything would be better than that.
Elvira had been unsure if she should wear a costume to the party or
not. She had a suburban housewife mask and costume from last year, but she
didn't know the people at the party she was going to, and feared it might be
just too horrific to be in good taste. Thus she opted for her usual outfit,
and checked herself out in the mirror, pleased with what she saw. "You'll
knock 'em dead, girl," she said aloud, and moved back down the stairs, her
hips gliding back and forth within her tight skirt.
As she pulled the Macabremobile up to the address on the card, she
stopped and glanced back down to make sure she had the right place. Yep, it
was 666 S. Elm Street. Wrinkling her nose, Elvira glanced up the curvy drive
leading back to the home. It was clearly a large home, a mansion, but in
such disrepair she would have thought nobody lived there if she was just
driving by. It was old, peeling wood, and had several spires reaching up to
the sky. Who was the designer of this place, Norman Bates? she wondered, and
shrugged. Oh well. It looked like an appropriate locale for a Halloween
party.
As she made her way up the drive, she glanced to her right and
noticed a small pond. Applying the brakes gently, she narrowed her eyes to
make sure she saw correctly. There was a man swimming frantically in circles
with what appeared to be a shark fin chasing him. She shook her head.
Served him right. There was a sign right by the pond that clearly said
'Swim at own risk'. Some people.
The front of the house was crowded with hearses of various shapes and
sizes, and Elvira squeezed her car into a tight space, having had much
practice in such similar maneuvers. As she stepped out of the car, a man in
a stained valet jacket shambled up to her. Elvira crinkled her nose at his
approach. He did not smell too sweet, and the chunks of flesh dropping from
his body with every step did not add anything to the image. He stopped in
front of her, a piece of his chin flopping wetly to the ground, and held out
a decayed hand.
"Nice costume, bub," she commented gamely, thankful she had not
recently eaten. "I've parked already, but do you want the keys?" she asked,
dropping them in the valet's wormy hand. The valet stared at her blankly,
his hand remained outstretched. Elvira gnawed on her lip. What else did
this guy want? Oh yeah, now she remembered. It had been a long time since
she'd been invited to a classy party. Her hand dipped into her dress. "You
want a tip, I'll bet?"
In response, the valet nodded and reached a shaky hand towards her
breast. Quickly, Elvira batted it away, pulling out a dollar bill. "I said
tip! Tipuh tipuh! Understand?" she said, enunciating more clearly. Rolling
her eyes, she pushed past the zombie valet, causing a finger to drop from the
creature. Where do they get these guys? she wondered.
As she approached the front of the house, she noticed a sandbox off
to the right with a wallet resting on its surface. Glancing about to see if
anyone was watching, she minced over to the sandbox to pick it up. One high
heeled foot touched the surface and sank immediately beneath it, causing
Elvira to windmill forward, trying to catch her balance and nearly falling
out of her dress in the practice. "Wow!" she exclaimed, withdrawing her
foot. "A quicksand box, just like the one I had as a kid!" She shook her
head in appreciation. "You hardly even see these anymore!" Her head
swiveled back up to the house. This might be a cool place after all.
As she rang the doorbell, it solemnly toned a death march. She
waited for a moment, and then the door was creakily pulled open by a tall
butler who looked as though he'd not been out in the sun in decades.
"Yeeeesssss?" he croaked.
"Uh, yeah, I'm here for the party," Elvira replied with forced
enthusiasm. "See?" she flashed the invitation at him. "So, can I come in,
tall, dark, and gruesome?"
The giant shook his head and groaned, moving aside. Elvira pulled a
face as she walked past. "I hope the guests are more lively than the hired
help," she mumbled to herself.
In the not too far off distance she could hear the sounds of
merriment, and so she moved off in that direction. Pushing open two ornately
carved doors, she stepped into a large ballroom filled with individuals in an
impressive selection of intricate costumes. Her mouth dropped open in
appreciation. They looked just like the monsters in all the great horror
flicks she'd grown up on as a kid, and some of the not-so-great ones as well.
Standing by the fireplace, a triffid was engaged in a lively debate with
Marie Antoinette, who held her head in the crook of her arm. The creature
from the black lagoon was huddled over a backgammon set with the Phantom of
the Opera. Frankenstein's monster, Riff Raff, and Freddy Krueger were having
a chugging contest around a cobweb covered pool table. She imagined the
Invisible Man was around somewhere, but she couldn't pick him out at the
moment. Everywhere she looked were celebrities from the world of monster
films. No duplicates, either. She looked down at her own outfit and
shrugged. Okay, maybe she should have worn a costume after all. Lucky for
me I fit in with this crowd naturally, she mused.
Elvira walked down the three steps leading into the room, looking for
the bar. She turned to her right and immediately collided with another
reveler whose face lodged between her breasts. Glancing down, Elvira met
the grinning eyes of a hunchback. Stumbling back, Elvira forced down a
shudder of revulsion upon getting a good look at his twisted and distorted
face and body. "Nice hump," she offered lamely.
The hunchback nodded vigorously, a string of saliva flying off his
meaty lip. "I guess word gets around," he agreed. "Name's Quasimodo. Give
me a ring sometime."
Elvira smiled uncertainly, and moved off in the other direction. A
man dressed in the classic vampire get up, flowing red cape, plastered back
black hair, pale complexion, moved through the crowd in her direction. He
waved excitedly at her, and Elvira stopped and waited for him to get around a
trio of small toad-like individuals. "Elvira," he said, when he was almost
upon her, holding out a hand to her like a drowning man. "So glad you could
make it. I'm the one who invited you here."
"Oh, Dr. Shelley," Elvira said, holding out a hand demurely.
"Pleased, I'm sure."
The man bent over stiffly at the waist and kissed her hand wetly.
Straightening, he said, "Please, call me Dracula. All my friends do."
Elvira laughed. "Oh, right, the costume. I get it. Don't worry,
Drac, I'll play along." She glanced around the room again. "Quite a bash
you're throwing. Your friends have some dynamite costumes." She looked
modestly down at her own outfit. "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't dress up or
anything."
"Nonsense," Dracula replied firmly. "You look good enough to eat
just the way you are."
Elvira's eyes widened at that, and she nudged him playfully in the
ribs. "What have you got in mind, big boy?" she chuckled. "Ahh, seriously,
why did you invite me to this little gathering? Have we met before?"
"Not exactly. It's just that I'm always on the lookout for, shall I
say, talent?"
"Talent? I got two of the biggest talents in this town!" she
grinned. "Everyone says I'm a great singer, and I can really dance too!"
Dracula grinned then, showing two wickedly glistening fangs. "Yes,
I'm sure you can. Why don't you just mingle with the other guests until
midnight. If I can get you anything, please ask."
"Sure thing, Drac. What happens at midnight? Everyone unmask?"
Dracula shook his head patiently. "That will be my surprise."
Elvira shrugged disinterestedly. "Suit yourself. I'm going to
mingle. Ta-ta." She waved over her shoulder.
"Ta-tas, indeed," Dracula repeated quietly, his eyes glowing an
unnatural yellow.
Elvira weaved through the throng, engaging in small talk with several
groups of monsters, before gradually making her way to an open door in the
back of the room. She had seen several people exit through there, and was
curious as to where they were heading. She stepped through it, and saw that
a set of mildewy stone stairs wound their way down, illuminated by greasily
burning torches set into the walls. Hesitating briefly, she shrugged and
ventured down. She could hear sounds coming from down there, and figured it
must be another group of partygoers.
At the bottom of the stairs she stepped into what appeared to be a
giant dungeon, set up as a torture chamber as well. It was not as crowded
down here, but those monsters present seemed to be playing games with the
equipment. With a slight grimace she passed by a gibbering man being
stretched out on the rack by a pot-bellied man in a black hood.
"Chiropractors," she said in annoyance.
"Hey doll, over here," a voice called from her left. Turning, Elvira
saw a man in a top hat with a rictus smile soaking in a bubbling Jacuzzi.
Slinking over, Elvira said, "You talking to me?"
"Indubitably. Perhaps you would care to join me for a relaxing dip?"
the man said, the painful smile never wavering from his face.
Elvira looked doubtful. "I don't know. Most dips I've known haven't
really relaxed me. Still..." she leaned over and reached a hand over the
edge to feel the water. A piranha leaped from beneath the surface, its sharp
teeth gnashing at her hand. She yelped and pulled back, looking accusingly
at the man. "There are piranha in here!"
"Is that so? Well, that might go a-ways towards explaining my lack
of feeling anything from the chest on down for the past hour."
Elvira nodded and backed away. Weird.
As she backed up, her posterior suddenly ran into something.
Spinning around, she saw it was an elaborate contraption attached to a large
tub containing some bubbling mixture. Steps led up to the contraption, and
she gamely climbed up. At the top she looked down into a wooden box where a
nude girl was lying. She glanced up calmly at Elvira and smiled. "Hi."
"Hi," Elvira returned. "Ah, nice costume. Bet you didn't have to
shop long for that one."
"Right. Actually, my costume will be arriving soon. Yes, here it
is."
Elvira glanced up as a sluice opened, and the contents of the vat
cascaded down on the girl. The woman screamed as the contents hit her, and
Elvira moved back as some of it splattered over the edge. It congealed
quickly on the side of the box, and Elvira recognized it as wax. She snapped
her fingers. Sure, this was like in those wax museum horror films. Seemed
like a lot to do for a costume though. These folks were fanatical about
authenticity.
Elvira made her way back up the stairs to the ballroom, thinking that
she might bug out of this place a bit early. It had been an interesting
enough group, but she hadn't really hooked up with anybody. It was as if
they sensed she was an outsider somehow. Everyone she talked to had this
superior look in their eyes, and a sort of knowing smile. It had gotten old
fast. As she entered the ballroom, she heard a clock chiming, and looked up
to the wall. What do you know, she thought, it's midnight already. Time
does fly, even when you're not having that much fun. She glanced around,
looking for Dracula so that she could say goodnight, when she felt a tap on
her shoulder. She jumped, and spun around to see Dracula standing behind
her. Her hand rested on her heaving chest. "Geez, Drac, y'nearly made my
hair stand on end, not that anyone could tell the difference. I'm gonna run
now. Great bash. Let's do lunch sometime."
His hand shot out and closed about her arm with surprising strength.
She looked at him questioningly. "Did I say something?"
Dracula leered at her, his fangs popping out over his bottom lip.
"It is the witching hour, Elvira. You cannot leave now. It is time for you
to become one of us."
Her eyebrows knotted together as she tried to figure out what was
going on. This guy was getting awfully creepy all of a sudden. With a
vicious jerk she pulled her arm free from his grip. "Look, buddy, nobody
touches the merchandise lessen I lets him, see? I'm going to amscray now.
See you in the funny papers." She whirled around to leave.
And found her way blocked by an assortment of ghoulies and ghosties.
"Or maybe I'll stay," she amended.
"You have stayed past midnight," Dracula intoned. "And you must now
decide which form you wish to keep throughout eternity."
Elvira turned slowly back around. "Well, if you really want to know,
I wouldn't mind keeping the form of some hot young stud next to me. You
buying?"
Dracula's eyes burned into her, and suddenly Elvira felt her skin
grow cold. This guy meant business, whatever business it was. "I am not
playing a game," he hissed, his voice dangling icicles. "We are not in
costume, my dear. We are the creatures of legend, and have deemed you worthy
of joining us. You must now decide what type of creature you will be. As
you can see, our crowd is heavily male dominated, and we could use a few more
females of our species. You have an hour to make your decision."
Elvira stared uncertainly at him. "How do I know you're for real?"
Dracula raised his arms and cape above his head, and without another
word, transformed into a bat which zoomed over her head. She shrieked and
ducked, not wanting that thing to get caught in her hair. "Nice special
effects," she murmured, and turned back to face the crowd. An hour to
choose. An hour to come up with a way out of all this.
Elvira hooked up with the Frankenstein monster first. He dutifully
attached some electrodes to her neck, and with an eyebrow pencil she drew in
some stitch marks about her forehead. But when it came time to donning the
size 14 boots, she balked. "Sorry, Frankie," she shrugged. "It would just
ruin my walk. Guess you'll have to go back to the Bride. I better try
something else."
The Mummy was next, and he quickly wrapped her up in some extra
bandages he had lying about. Elvira eyed herself speculatively in the
mirror. They were a pretty good fit, almost as tight as her own outfit, but
it wouldn't do. "No good, Mumsie. White just isn't my color. Too virginal.
Wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea."
She walked right past the Creature from the Black Lagoon, smiling
apologetically. "Seafood," she said weakly. "Gives me hives. No can do."
The Hunchback of Notre Dame was next, but he soon vetoed that idea.
"Your hump's on the wrong side," he explained disappointedly. "Everyone
knows it's supposed to be humpback. Sorry."
And so it went. With time running out, she found herself unable to
find a creature she felt right for her. Besides, she really wanted to stay
the Mistress of the Dark. Yet she had so far been unable to come up with a
way out of this either. Guards had been posted at the door as well, so
there was no way she could simply flee. She had to think her way out of
this.
At last her hour was up, and Dracula faced her in the middle of the
room. "We need your decision, Elvira. Now you must decide how you want
movie makers to picture you in future generations."
That was it! "Oh, there are so many good choices," she said.
"I need more time. Tell you what, I have a movie in my car, could we just
watch that, and I'll give you my decision at the end of that?"
"Are you stalling?" Dracula asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Me?" Elvira asked with forced innocence. "Don't be a silly!
I'll even let someone else fetch it. There's a projector in my trunk too."
"Hmmmm. Very well. Igor, go get the film and projector."
Elvira seated herself on the sofa and set up the film. All the
creatures were gathered about her, staring at the blank wall on which the
film would be shown. "Okay, lights," she said. The room went dark. "This
film is a favorite of my old program director, Atilla. I hope you'll enjoy
it as much as I did the first time I watched it," she said, and mimed
sticking her finger down her throat. "It's a foreign film, so you know it's
going to be good. It's called Beast of the Dead." She hit the projector on,
and settled back.
Before long the film took effect. Elvira made sure not to look at
the screen and filled her mind with other thoughts to try to block out the
sound as well. But she could hear the groans of her audience, loud and
clear. The film was making them sick. With good reason. It was awful.
She'd had it in her car for weeks, planning to drop it off at a toxic waste
dump. Glancing down, she saw the creatures were all rolling about on the
floor in various levels of distress. Gritting her teeth, she stood up and
tiptoed around the various monsters. Dracula saw her move as she stepped in
front of him, and his hand pawed weakly at her leg. "Please," he panted.
"Turn off the projector! Please! Save us!"
"Sorry, Drac," Elvira shook her head. "I have places to go. But
don't worry, the effects of this film aren't fatal." She raised a finger to
her cheek thoughtfully. "At least not usually." She shrugged perkily. "Oh
well. Good luck." She made her way to the door, her hips rolling as if she
were walking on the deck of a ship.
She had a brief scare as she stumbled out of the house into the
darkness, and could not recall which direction she had parked her car. A
wrong turn landed her back in the sandbox for a moment, but having had
experience with this before, she was out shortly and moving back in the
direction of her car. With a sigh she settled into the seat and fired up the
engine. With a squeal of rubber she peeled out and down the driveway,
cutting the corner with a screech.
Elvira pointed the car down the street towards her home and glanced
into her rearview mirror. She gasped as a figure raised up to fill it.
Slamming on the breaks, the creature flew from the back seat and bounced off
the windshield, before crumpling into the passenger seat as the car lurched
to a halt. "Ohhh," he moaned, holding his head, which she noticed, was
actually a pumpkin.
"Who are you?" Elvira demanded?
The pumpkin headed creature shook its head clumsily and then stared at
her with the dark eyes of a jack o'lantern. "Geez, lady," a voice came from
its carved mouth. "Who do you think it would be on Halloween? I'm the Great
Pumpkin, for gosh sakes!"
Elvira's eyes narrowed. "Then why were you lurking in the backseat
of my car."
"I just wanted to give you a present for being so good and keeping
the spirit of Halloween alive for all the kids at the mall this past week."
Her eyes widened at that. "A present! A present! What's it gonna
be? Cash? I could use cash! A Ferrari? That would be cool too? What is
it, huh? Gimme, gimme!"
"Umm, well, uh, it's nothing like that. I'm operating under an
increasing deficit these days, and so I've got to cut back a lot," the Great
Pumpkin mumbled in a somewhat embarrassed tone. "Here," he said, pulling a
package from inside his jacket.
With a flurry, Elvira's nails shredded the paper and tore the box
open. She reached into the box and pulled out a low cut, black dress.
"It's...it's beautiful!" she exclaimed. "How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," he replied, and she thought his carved smile widened
slightly. He opened the car door and stepped out. "Keep up the good work,
and in the future, stay away from invites to strange parties. Happy
Halloween!" Touching his head in a gesture of goodbye, the air was filled
with sparkles and he vanished.
"Wow," Elvira sighed, and put the car back into gear. "What a
night." As she drove off, she failed to notice an invisible hand unlatching
the trunk of her car and an invisible head peeking out over the edge, with
an invisible grinned stretched from invisible ear to invisible ear.
Copyright Buzz--October 1990