deepthoughts

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tubercleosis.

I was driving my nephew to Disneyland last summer when I came upon an old burnt down warehouse. I pulled in the driveway and said, "Oh no! Disneyland burnt down!" I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Mom got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, thats what her dinner tasted like.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get ore meat, I'll just say, "Oh you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good trick, huh?

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh to, because, come on, life is funny.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver, and since he is so busy, you'd have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.