In the Name of Allah, most Compassionate, most Merciful

Farieda Amatullah

Assalamualaikum everyone,
This is always the hardest part, to make a start and write everything down and that while I do not understand it that well myself. It is great what happened to me, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but at the same time it scares me very much. They are two worlds, two very different worlds and their relationship has never been the best. I feel as if I am standing in the middle
of things. With my left foot I stood in one world and my right foot in the other.The Middle East and the West share a violent history, which unfortunately influences how the West looks upon the Islam. As if it is something evil, corrupt and dangerous, but it is not. It is something very special and marvellous. Just look at what the word Islam means. It means nothing but to
surrender yourself to Allah, the one and only true Allah. Every human being is born with the natural tendency and desire to surrender to Allah.

The way I fell in love with Islam is actually a bit bizarre. A book I am writing which contains strong Islamic and Middle-Eastern influences caused it. I always found the Middle East incredibly fascinating. To write this book however, I had to do a lot of research. The more I read about the Islam the better I could understand it. Through this comprehension and understanding I could see and describe things I previously was blind for. Until one day a tidal wave of inspiration engulfed me and I started to type whatever I saw in my mind, the things that happened and so on. My poor fingers religiously attempted to keep up with the pace of my mind; it went fast and almost on its own. When I read the pages back, it touched me deeply and intense. I think I stared at my monitor for at least half an hour. For a minute I thought that I recognized myself and suddenly I could pinpoint that emptiness inside me. Then I realized what I wanted to do. I wanted to become a Muslim! Just by saying it I scared myself and I had to blush. As if I was speaking of things that are forbidden.

I still cannot comprehend how this could happen and that is of course not necessary, but I can only guess that I must have had this need and desire all along. After the first impact it has never released me. In fact, I was so taken by it that it had almost immediate results in a way I cannot comprehend. Music (mostly dark Goth music, Heavy metal, Punk, Hanson),which I always enjoyed listening to now, became improper. Clothing that was too revealing or too tight I passed on, because I felt it was improper. Everything of which I had doubts I removed from my room. I literally turned my room upside down, but that will be
fixed again soon.

When you are busy trying to get some order in your daily life (I have so many shortcomings, which I shall save you from by not mentioning them here) and after the first few tremors it occurred to me where my love has fallen for. At that point the euphoric feelings traded places with fear and insecurity. I wanted to push it away from me; I kept telling myself that I could not do it, that I was not strong enough. More excuses. Then slowly you start to talk to people about it and then it discourages you even more. I didn't have Internet at that time and information was sparse, certainly in the place I live, a small fishing community.

I went to the tourist information office to get information. I found one person, but I was not brave yet to call. After that I went to the library. I did not have a card yet so I had to read the books there and time was sparse so I was kind of stressed as well. One of the books that I picked of the shelves was the Muslim woman’s handbook.But! But! But, I never can do THAT! Then you get all these Arabic words that you do not understand,the names that do not sounds like they were Dutch and that terrified me even more. It almost made it sound like an exclusive club. What if I cannot even become a Muslim? What if I have to be born a Muslim? More insecurity and more fears.

Through reading the various books I started to realize what a poor and wrong life I have lived, something no minister or priest was able to tell me or to make clear to me. And here I was finding it out on my own, in the book that has been written by Muslim women. I felt a deep shame. I felt shame for my former hostile attitude towards Muslim women and my inheritance of the West. The last couple of days I did not eat, drink or sleep much. I was really bothered with it, I wanted to know more but I just didn't know how. I felt a strong desire to seek out a contact, but I was scared to make the first move. Boy. What am I the brave one? The ignorance, the big differences, I fear that I have not fully recovered from the entire shock. This is partly caused by the fact that it is so incredibly different. It is so much the better, as how I feel it, but also so very difficult. Also not very West like.

Really, I am not the bravest one and to take those first steps is not easy. I do not mean to complain, but it is what I feel.I remember a few days ago where I before I went to bed sat on my knees and called out for myself (not in Arabian because at that time I knew little Arabian),There is no God but God alone, and Mohammed is His Prophet. Under the sheets I broke into tears. When I describe this special moment then I feel still very emotional about it. Do not ask me why, because I do not know. All I know that it is like that.This is what I told my mother as well and she laughed at me.I really do not see you walking around in a headscarf!she said mocking me.I understand. She is in pain because according to her I have become a stray. As soon as I told her about my desire to become Muslim we got heated discussions where she demanded her right. I could not do so, so I left in the middle of the argument. When I was at the door she tried to convince me that Islam was bad, bad for women,they lose their rights, they have no life of their own, and that it only exists to dictate sex segregation. A deep distorted sigh. This is going to be very difficult, but I want to do this so readily. The will and desire is there, I just do not know fully how.

At the time of writing are things between my mother and I changed. We have solved our differences and her fear has now changed into genuine interest. I also bought her a small book, which is Islam for beginners and it seems to help her a lot. Through Allah I know can better understand my mother and this mutual understanding has made our relationship stronger.

The reactions of the rest of the family were somewhat stiff in the beginning, but in general a positive impression. This is mostly caused by the fact that for all of us many things are still unclear and my family does not know entirely where it will take me. These insecurities will become less the more I grow in my belief, and the better I can tell about it. Right now my family members are asking more questions and I think that is very positive. I am also very thankful to Allah, because the impressions my family as over my new life has been one of compliments and encouragements. They see me change, almost daily and none have yet to say that what I do or what I show them is wrong. Alhamdullilah. That makes me feel really good.

I hope that I do not offend any of you and that you are sighing all the way through my story. It is correct that I feel a certain shame, certain fearfulness have to overcome. I am convinced that it will happen. It is just that at this time I am very afraid to do the things wrong and that is the last thing I want.Now I want to do it right, always!

First things to do are to learn about a lot of things. From within and on the outside, because I feel in my entire soul that Allah is good, the Merciful, the Generous. I just do not know if I am allowed to say it this way and I do not know all the lines of this text. A thousand apologies. I mean no disrespect. It hurts, also. Very much so. I read in a book that explains me what it all
entails then I also see how bad I have organized my life, poorly ordered. How very wrong I have done the things. To face reality. It can be a quite painful experience.

However, my biggest fear is that I still will not be accepted. I have reasons for that fear, since other religious communities denied me access, because they could not accept me due personal reasons.

I cannot change who or what I am. That is how I was born. The things in the past are there, in the past and I cannot change them today. The only things I wish and desire is to contribute in a positive manner and to become a better person.

Thanks for listening,
Farieda