In the Name of Allah, most Compassionate, most Merciful

Maryam

Salaams to all,

I just thought maybe it was better I shared my experience of God before I made any claims of my religion and why I hold stead fast to it.

I am the youngest of 9 kids in my family, my twin sisters is more of a modern and I always a traditionalist. My family used to pressure us allots about chastity and what to wear and what not to wear, to go around with only `GOOD' girls and let go of the bad, and never to go near a guy or it would be our death. Now you can understand what kind of pressure this had on me. :0

It all started, when a trip to United Kingdom was made and returned; Well my brother he had gone to UK to study university and so forth and what do you know, he came back as an Islamite and started preaching my family Islam, and of its beauty, so all my silly sisters and brothers they followed him around and found answers to their doubts of course this was good, but what was wrong was that they only took the information never tried to digest it or understand and analyze it, and now I realize that most of it was information he heard from his friends, unfortunately I do not remember much but were not authentic. By the end of the few months that he had come home for, all my sisters were wearing a head covering as we call hijab, it was only me who had gone against the whole family and said I shall not wear it until I wanted to, this was good news for me I had not read a word of Koran, nor any book on Islam, but I just knew God was not unjust, to make me wear hijab just because all the girls (not only my sisters but my cousins as well) were wearing one and that I was giving a bad name to the family, well what the hell I wore the hijab, and even though I did not want to wear it I respected it so for some reason I used to be very careful, in putting it on correctly like as if it was by my will. But the problem was I still had not read a word on Islam or religion or Koran so my heart was unsettled most of the time except the times I praised God when I saw beauty of His creations or when I was in prayer, supplication to God, not how the Muslims prayed but more like how the Christians prayed. For some reason I knew Hijab should be respected even if you do not wish to put it on, so once I had made my computer teacher almost lose his job and got him to cry in front of my class, for saying that what I put on my head is nothing but a piece of cloth, so I can clean wipe his desk, and book for him with it, I feel bad on how it turned out to be but I tried my best to ask politely for permission to go and get some tissue or towels to do it for him, but no he replied that will do pointing to my hijab, you do not wear with you will, you had said. Well I tried thrice to get permission to get something more appropriate to clean the book, (a little dust of chalk had fallen on it as I was cleaning the board trying to be helpful), he kicked me out of the class for saying I will not do it and I respect this piece of cloth as you call it, and I shall not use it, he insisted and in the end as I was getting out by his ORDER as he called it, I just replied maybe we should used the piece of cloth around your neck (the tie) to clean it, our principal saw me and asked me why I was out, for I was known for my respect to teachers and good behavior, I told her the whole story, she told the teacher that he should respect our faith, and that this girl has the power to get you not only kicked out of the school but country as well. That was it, this incident of my high respect, stayed on my mind for years, I did not understand my behavior at the time, for I was not wearing it willingly, but I understand everything clearly now.

My knowledge of Islam was of zero value.

I guess I preferred to see and hear and believe the Islam as people portrayed it, I remember once only once we prayed as a congregation, my whole family and as my father was reciting the Arabic words I did not understand but I felt peace enter my heart I just can not explain the feeling, there is no word to explain it really, of all my childhood very strange but true, this is the only experience and day I remember very clearly, the feeling, had left a permanent mark on my heart which I realized years afterwards. But still I felt out of place, because there was no feeling in what I was doing, I was doing things because everyone in my family was doing it and if they do it as a family and so I had to do it too, as my brother put it. I never understood, or questioned anything did as I was told.

Well anyways I grew up like this for a few years, I had an attachment now for the hijab, I never prayed as my sisters had started letting go of prayer, and Islam and in the end THE HIJAB. They got influenced allot they saw it as oppression, they asked why do we have to cover modestly while men don't need to, this was how they were taught in my family but what they did not know was God had made modesty a rule on men and women (which I later on found out). Everybody let go of religion, as it just did not seem like religion with my family but to be honest oppression, Till it was only one cousin of mine and my twin sister and I who had hijab on, and my twin sister decided to remove Hijab, it did not make a difference to me but my twin (who was one of the first to want to wear it) wanted to take it of so badly, so she told me if I insisted on keeping it on they would tell her to take me as an example. It was some argument she went through before things were accepted, and now I was walking around with no God (as my family portrayed it), except some prayers I did on my own and some repentance and forgiveness I seek on my own there was nothing special in my life now.

LET ME BE HONEST

I took off the hijab also as a way of taking revenge from my brother trying to prove that he forced me to wear it (I had sworn to him that day I would take it off some way to the other) and that his preaching was useless, well it was, in the end all took it off, but now I regret it badly, the hijab according to me now is really a precious gift from God and I had been blind but I was really useless on the subject. Until my age of 17, I only knew two short chapters of the Koran only two, with their meanings as well but not so good, so as the reader can see I was not a Muslim maybe by birth but not in reality, I never behaved like one. Funny I did not even know my own religion to be practiced, sad I did not know my own God.

My twin sister had according to her searched for God she became a Christian which later on she revealed was just to take revenge on God (when you are teenager you do silly stuff and I guess this was one of them) who was so unjust on women in Islam, she told me I know the God of Islam is right God and I feel it but I do not accept His laws I think they are of no difference and they more of man made laws like in Christianity. She was so glad to hear God would love her still unconditionally and forgive her unconditionally.

I explained to her that it could not be and that God could not be as unjust to us women and give credit to men who themselves are too weak to control their desire for women any thought or voice or word can get them excited. She tried to prove I tried to understand, so there you go my sisters all had a very bad viewpoint of Islam and so did I and I believed all that she claimed, women and polygamy, I was mad, mad at myself for not seeing the truth they are right Islam was biased on women, I regretted wearing hijab and my desire to understand this religion called Islam, (though, I just did as others told me to).

So there you go my search for religion had begun, I started with reading testimonies of Christians and those who converted to Christianity, there were even some who converted from Islam to Christianity and said they really felt in the right place, Christianity was like home sweet home to them. It was very strange, but as I read the stories of those conversions I don't know but most things these people said did not make sense, I mean from their choice of choosing Christianity, and why and how and when and what made them convert to their friends and relatives wanting to learn of Christianity, they had many, many contradictions in their story like as if they still are unsettled but claim to be settled (tired of searching for the truth huh?), from the changes in their lives to their view and perception of life and soul being set free, or the burden over their shoulder being let go so easily after conversion, all just had not a foundation strong enough for me to believe them, so I left I tried Judaism and saw nothing special in it and was amazed how could Jews reject a man as great as Jesus, who changed, healed and helped many lives and who is according to many Christians still doing his miracle through priests and those righteous, for those in need. So i tried Hinduism but multitude no. Of gods did not appeal to me much, you know to come to think of it Hindus never understood their own religion, it is a religion compiled out of myths that is not in no way acceptable,a god killing his own son not knowing it is his son and the mother of the son coming back asking him to return his son and so he goes forth to find a motherless elephant boy and cuts the elephant's head places it on the body of the son and the son is given life again and so a god is born', hum no, no not for me for sure. I was never an atheist and could never have been, their conception and view of life was too small for my mind or my heart to digest. Actually I feel that they are more confused than any other, atheism is not a religion it is a view of life that people are trying to support by basic baseless, wrong facts and foundations against signs and truth of science and creation and THE CREATOR (of course this my view). Buddhism made sense to me, but I thought of it no special either and I saw that most Buddhist worshipped Buddha rather than the One God that he preached for them to meditate to and to believe in. Well what the hell I could never worship a man who just preached tranquility peace and so forth.

My choice was to get back to Christianity, I studied protestant church and the catholic I realized that all church except one (who believe as Islam teaches are a really very small minority, I got to know this just few moths back I met a lady who belonged to this community) has no difference in the basic Doctrine, The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. So I read and read, the Bible, the books that supported the bible, when people asked me what religion I followed (since I did not wear hijab anymore and most, well all my friends called me Mary, short for of maryam,) I just did not have the heart to say I was a Christian but that I was on my path to find the truth, I read the bible and I was disgusted of how the bible spoke of women, I listened to preaching of the churches and I saw that they were preaching to satisfy their listeners, they were not mentioning all that was in the bible only the good and the whole time they repeat I accept Jesus as my savior, my god or the sacrificed lamb and the how it is proven he died on the cross and that how it is proven that he is the Son of god, I have the channel, TBNE and some more channels of Christ I would watch it 24 hrs a day, the community of Christians are more welcoming than any other religion I guess that is why God in Koran says how one would feel close to a Christian because of their kindness and of them not being proud, they want you to believe in Jesus being the Son of God or that their church is the best even when they have doubts or see the contradictions in the bible or it is not up to them to question what actually is in the bible and what the pastors say and the way they live their lives is to be the right one, when I ask are they sure it is God's word 100% they say yes, but with uneasiness, and most of the time they say there have been changes but only because of translation of the languages, not because God said it wrong, this seemed absurd to me but for some reason I was still trying to insist into my heart that Christ died on our behalf and that I am a born sinner, then one day as I wanted to read more ways in which Christ worked in other people's lives and the changes their conversion to Christianity brought to people and more of Christianity, I came across a sight where testimonials, of priest and nuns and so called saints of Christianity had doubts of Jesus being the son of God and bible being the right religion. Their testimonies had made more sense and more stable with their quotes from the bible and so forth, it had more basis than those converted to Christianity, so I was rethinking of more religions but then I thought to myself since I can't go to far east or so forth to try all other and the newest religions, faiths and sects (as it was opposed to Islam according to my family) I said to myself of all the religions I tried Christianity has more basis and a better view of God, and his only begotten Son and the sacrifice and so forth, it was amazing but true I prayed harder and harder.

I was trying so hard to believe and prayed so hard many Christians friends and those I met and supposedly sure priests prayed for me it did not work but one night I saw Jesus in my dream, it was revealed to me in my dream that I was on the wrong path, because there were those who prayed to Jesus and were calling him Lord and so forth but he did not look at them but smiled at me.

Now I did not take this as of any importance since I knew that I did not accept him as Lord yet, so why would he smile at me, and maybe it is the devil doing his work then at sometime in my life, a person told me something of Christianity and its doctrine I could not believe that the bible was written after Jesus died, (according to the Christian doctrine) and that the church was established after Jesus, and those words of Jesus were abridged, some removed and some added. i tried a research and found that it all was true and even the priest i chit chat to had no choice but to accept this fact, but he tried to say that it should not make me doubt Jesus but those who did these mistakes, i thought to myself like what the hell is wrong with me but i remebered hearing my brother say the Koran says question it (Bible, Tawrat, and Koran) if you can and you shall find the truth and see reality, and i remeber him saying these three religions are sister religions and Koran is the last testament of God that is all and it tell us to read Bible and Torah and seek knowledge from those who know what they are saying, and i did i guess, and i do not understand why this stayed in my head for so long.

It was amazing, really I was trying to defend and make all sacrifices of time and my family (who knew nothing of my desire for Jesus to enter my life) and finding out replies to this person, who understood each saying of Jesus or each word much better than I did.

I told this and my dream and my desire for Jesus to enter my life to some Christians but all they could say is I was not trying hard enough and that I was not praying hard enough, and that the devil was playing with my mind, and that they would pray for me (it made me feel good that they really cared for me someone whom they knew not much about, I thought this was a character something like only Christians had but later I realized it is up to us humans whether to be a caring, loveable, trusting and so forth kind of a guy or not, religion had little to do with this, but I can say Christians are more loving and sweet) and when they could not reply to my doubts and questions I said that was it for me and I left the Doctrine of Trinity. An especially the doctrine of, Jesus being the Son of God.

So for a long while I started telling myself enough is enough I will believe in the Oneness of God, the God of Adam and Abraham, I said to myself if God created Adam out of nothing, and mud and breathed his breath and gave soul into the lifeless clay body of Adam, he could for sure create Jesus out of nothing as well. I claimed this to one of my Christian friend he said yes I might be true but that I should not let go and pray stronger, Jesus will enter my life.

Actually to tell you the truth I felt much peaceful with my own doctrine of oneness of God and believing God of Adam, Abraham, Isaac and Ishmael. So I used to pray in my own words my own way, I was thinking of myself how peaceful I felt, and that I somehow had felt this love and joy and peace before like as if I came back to God who was waiting for me with open arms. I was thinking I shall become a preacher since of my sound knowledge, of other religion and I shall guide people to the truth; i.e. just to pray as they felt within their heart, live as their conscious told them to, and believe in the beauty and Oneness of God and to believe all they had to do was look in beauty of their own bodies creation and the beauty of colors in the world, the amazing fact of how soon a person can become the best and be forgiven and loved by all and God after all he does in crimes like raping of children and killing of the old, or so forth, hideous crimes. I started preaching this new religion with no name, then my friend somehow loved the idea but simply said devil has done his work in your life you have become a Muslim. I said no and tried to prove my case, he asked me to go and ask some Muslims of my ideology and well what do u know I was a Muslim for 14 years not knowing the basics of my former religion, I was a supposedly Jew, Hindu, Christian and so forth, for 3 yrs not knowing what was it that still troubled my heart, finally I read the Koran and I compared and compared till mornings and till nights I read and understood I read testimonies of priests and nuns becoming Muslim and how they really were making sense of it all at one go with no contradiction in their belief or within their writings as those converts to Christians had, I now think of it and I really pray or them and all those in the world who have left their heart open to take guidance from God. Even now (now that I am a Muslim) I go to Christian sites and read testimonies, I still listen to Christian prayer music and so forth but I am not blind, just like the song I listen to over and over again which makes my heart at ease AMAZING GRACE, especially the part I once was blind but now I see and was lost but now I am found. I pray for them as once they prayed for me to be guided, even some who hated me for becoming a Muslim, saying I was a Muslim all along just playing with their mind, the others knew the truth, it is weird I am not sure what some of them are afraid of they approach me and ask a few questions and get their reply, they ask as if they are doing the biggest sin of their lives and that they are bound to go to hell to ask these questions to me a MUSLIM. They rarely discussed God and religion with me after that, in fact within such a short time none of them ever re contacted me and I let go of them, one Buddhist friend of mine who is all the way in Malaysia sent her father to my home to get my new no., with first conversation she thanked me for helping her and guiding her, my heart filled with joy and I was crying by the time she gave her thanks and that every human being should take me as an example. (I told her I am not perfect, and I really am not, but I repent when I sin, even if I sin again the same way I ask forgiveness of God no matter what and how many times, I believe that He will forgive me, and help me to change to better)

I read about Islam and started to learn how to pray and clean up before prayer to be pure physically and mentally all they long one prays several times a day, I learned more chapters with meanings and I realized how easy it was to learn and how it touched my heart. Chapter one Surahs al Fatiha is my favorite it is the same foundation with the Prayer of the Christians. Each time I listen to it and read it I cry and cry of joy (really can't in no way explain the feeling each and every time I read or hear it) of how beautiful God is and how much He loved me, He did not led me astray and patiently guided and let me do the walking towards Him and He ran towards me accepting me as me not as anybody else but me. Later my friend who is a believer in oneness of God got me a book whole theological study of Islam Christianity and Judaism and the actually search of God by humans till this date, the writer was a former nun, I thought she would be bias towards Islam and not reflect the truth of the two other religions but I read and realized she had become a Muslim from a strong Christian to a strong Muslim, from a believer of Jesus being the Son of God to a believer in Oneness of God with no partners nor Son.

I pray from my heart, I see God not only as God but everything to me, I think that is what He wants, when He says submit to Me with all you have, love me more than anything in your life, He means for us to see Him as everything, mother, father, friend, teacher, protector, cherisher and so forth. So all those Muslims who see God only as God and claim that Koran teaches for us to think of God as unreachable, and later on go to Christianity since they felt closer to God as calling him a father are blind they are so blind that I guess they have made their decision too early, they have not read the ayahs where God claims the vice versa, these former Muslims who claimed to know all that is to know of Islam, in fact had not read the Koran properly (like my family members) and anyway that is still the case with the typical, Muslims most have hardly read and understood Koran. They still are all they do is listen to what these political leaders or those in mosques say, but as the Koran says know your religion and follow not those in error but in the right, this does not go for only the non-Muslim but rather to those Muslims who guide others blindly as well.

I felt, God in the first congregation of my family prayer, even though I understood nothing but prayed in my language, I felt the same love, peace, tranquility after years when I had left Christianity and all other religions and believed in God again and I am fortunate enough to feel this unselfish love of God, I feel this everyday that I pray the five times daily prayer, the prayers I make on my own at other times. (Unlike other religions Islam taught me that God is always there with open arms, He does not expect love in return, He does not need love in return He Himself is love, He is overflowing to all those who wish to grab Him and hold on to Him and that we all should be like Him. You know the part in the bible where it is claimed God made man in His image, I understood that this was accepted in Islam in someway i.e. that whenever a soul is breathed into the body of the baby in the womb the breath of God is our spirit and so we have His beautiful attributes, the devil by our side lends us the bad attitudes and tries to leads us astray). I used to think it is useless or too much to pray five times a day, or to pray on specified times but I see the beauty and the value of it now, whatever you do during the hours in between the two prayers, that makes your mind unsettled by praying and seeking God's help my mind get back to peace and ease, or the sin that you do in between, asked to be and are forgiven. I realize I am less high tempered when I pray five times a day daily, and I am more in meditation with God constantly, there is no time limit for me to pray, sometimes I pray for hours at other times for a few minutes, it is up to me and me alone and not a priest to choose, everything is between me and God and none can interfere or forgive me in His name, I wonder when priests sin who forgives them, other priests who sin as well would they have the authority still forgive on behalf of Jesus, no one is perfect, they must be sinning in some way or the other.

Now when missionaries approach me, they offer me everything and say they will take me from my family and give me house, job and money and so forth if I convert, all I tell them is "to you your religion and to me my religion" an ayah from Koran. I tell them I have found peace and that I am in abundance wealth and love of family, I get along much better with all my family members now, now, now that I AM A MUSLIM, they tried to misinform me of how women are treated in Islam and that the same goes in my family look how they treat your women, my answer to them is strong and the truth, that they have no reply at all times, `my family are not Islamite, nor are they to be considered true Muslims, my family are more of traditionalists who worship culture and traditions, and that I am far long away from them, and instead following them, I am now respected even by the elders of the family and teach them the right way, they understand Islam says nothing of their claims and get annoyed to tell you the truth when they see me so at peace with myself and the world and know what I am talking about and my ACTUAL rights and respect me more for wearing Hijab, with my desire to do so, with my love to do so. I am respected, wherever I go as a Muslim, by Muslim and non-Muslim men and women you know why not only because I am a Muslim but also because I know I have made the right choice, I have sound knowledge and strong pillars to lay my back on and I have the right information on any aspect of religion, my family used to consider Islam a set of rules, a religion, I taught them what they knew not actually it was God who taught me and them what they knew not, they have become to love Islam, even my twin sister who was the strongest anti-Islamite, has started to love Islam. She is curious and she looks amazed and surprised when I tell her what the bible teaches of women and how beautiful the Koran teaches of women and that my family has no base on their actions towards us and claiming Islam to give them the right I told her of comparison of the religions and she agreed, so you men and women of other faith leave us in peace and never approach us unless as friends, or to have as company, and but I shall pray for you to find what I have found and to see what I see and to hear what I hear and to love and feel, God as I do and to set your soul and spirit free into a bigger world with a bigger perception and bigger views of the world and humanity and love and peace'

Allah had mercy on me, my family, and friends who converted with me, if were to become a Christian let's say and led my family to Christianity I would be treated worse if we went according to the Bible, the new and the old testament, in both I am seen as a sinner, a devil, a deceiver, and the cause for the Fall, and the cause for the only BEGOTTEN SON OF GOD TO DIE IN PAIN and so forth, I were to believe & worship in Jesus and not the Creator. No thanks the Islamic view of us women and of us humans born sinless, and repenting only to God and not needing to repent to a priest, the idea that God is Most great he protected Jesus (did not die) for his second return to earth as Messiah and Jesus Christ to fight Anti Christ, to guide those in error and love and cherish and lead those on the right path, the fact that no matter how a great sinner you are if you truly ask forgiveness of God, He forgives you no matter what, is more sensible to me. I am so relieved to know I am not a sinner, I am born sinless, I am a sinner when I sin and pure when I ask for forgiveness with belief in Oneness of God and Jesus did not die, he is still up in the heaven, he is protected and he did not die for my sin nor for anyone else's. I am awaiting his return with eagerness, for I am so curious to see his beauty and kindness and nature.

I was so stupid earlier I mean event the fact that a group of Bedouins out in the desert with no telescope at the time (the microscopes and telescopes the west had at that time is not even considered as microscope or telescopes today so imagine out in the desert how it was no education very little population with literacy to at least read and write) and no astrologist, or doctors and no human rights and so forth, who were barbaric and lived like animals buried their daughters alive, and were ashamed of daughters, and saw them as Jews see them still today, and the bible see women today have become one of the greatest nations in history to bring advanced science, and astronomy into the world of the WEST and EUROPE. None can deny this, it was not Arabs who made Islam a great religion but it was Islam who made the Arabs great, it took me a long time to realize this but I am glad I understood the religion of peace's value. Is lam I never knew Islam was a way of life and not just a religion and it helped me out in all aspects of my life, from my relationships, to my work, school, projects, business and so forth.

I have nothing further to say, or to add I guess, I thank God for giving me the right perception of Himself, He is love, He is there for me no matter what with open arms and HE is everything to me, He comes into my life into any aspect of my life, to guide me, love me and support me, and forgive me, He is all that I need, all that I want, He becomes all that I need to me, whenever I need, no matter where I am, how bad or good I am or I was, whether I believe in Him or did not earlier but that I know Him and Believe in Him now.

THE BEST PART IS even though I was a Muslim and went away from Islam, and came back to Islam, I was forgiven for all my sins, for in Islam those who accept Oneness of God are forgiven automatically for whatever they may have done without getting baptized or anything else but just saying I bear witness that there is no god but God and Muhammad is the messenger of God. Just like a new born baby sinless, (I guess this part is totally opposite of Christianity)

I shall pray for all those to feel what I felt, but to find their path much easier than mine, my path to God was tough with more downs in the beginning but more ups to the end, now when I am to go through a down in my life I hold on to God knowing He is there for me, and expecting exactly this of me at bad times to hold on to Him tighter and Satan loses to deceive me or misguide me or to give me not even the idea to let go of my faith.

I Bear Witness that there is not god but God, and that Mohammed is the messenger of God.

He is the seal of t prophets and the last. The Koran is a living miracle in itself; I let it work its miracle in my life.

May God have mercy on us, Amen.

Do forgive me if you have not liked what you read but all did was to write my true feelings.

With love and peace
Your friend
Maryam.