SPECIAL FEATURE PRESENTATION

Subj: [emerge] The Black Oil PRESENTS...The Transformers "Abort, Retry, Fail" Pt. 1
Date: 2/23/00 10:02:57 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: (The Black Oil)


In honor of the recent discussion on the greatest
cartoon ever, I hereby present to you the following...

DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Any
resemblance to persons living or dead is PURELY
unintentional. Any criticisms of the following work
will cause the author to hunt you down, take you to
Tim Binder's house, tie you up, and force you to watch
"Cafe Flesh" non-stop for 2 straight days.



AND NOW........





THE TRANSFORMERS

"Abort, Retry, Fail"


Part I





(Decepticon HQ underneath the ocean)
The Constructicons are all banging on metal drums
while Soundwave is sticking a fork in a blender and
sampling it. Starscream walks in yelling.

Starscream: What is that infernal racket?!!!

Soundwave: WE ARE PERFORMING MY NEW SONG: "FORK
KILLING AN APPLIANCE."

Starscream: How can you even call that music?
Where's the melody? Where's the harmony? It's just
a bunch of unstructured mumbo-jumbo!!

Soundwave: OH, AND WHAT SHOULD WE DO, WRITE TIFFANY
COVERS WITH ALL THE SUGAR-COATED PREDICTABLE CRAP YOU
LIKE!!"

Starscream: (sputtering) How dare you care Tiffany
UNINSIPIRING!! She changed my life...she's
inspired...

Megatron enters).

Megatron: Shut the fuck up, Starscream!! Your
"verse-chorus-verse" crap bores me to tears.

Starscream: BUT MEGAATROOON....

Megatron bitch slaps Starscream and proceeds to beat
his ass around the room.

Megatron: Face it, Starscream. You'll never be
leader of the Decepticons. First of all, you're
just my bitch, and second, you sound WAY too much like
Cobra Commander, and we all know how WELL he leads.
And now, Decepticons, I will inform you of my latest
evil plan. This time we will strike at the heart of
Autobot Headquarters, at Teletran One itself by
downloading a program so insidious it will cause
Teletram One to self-destruct!!! To victory,
Decepticons!!!

Soundwave: MEGATRON, THE NEW TEST DEPT. ALBUM IS OUT
TODAY.

Megatron: Excellent, we'll pick it up on the way.
Nothing like "industrial" music to get my circuits
flowing.

Starscream: (sniff) I DO NOT sound like Cobra
Commander. And besides, that Serpentor guy never got
the job done eithe...

Megatron: SILENCE!!!

Starscream: (under his breath) Fascist..

The Decepticons fly out of their ship en route to
their destination.

(Decepticon symbol flips to the Autobot symbol)

(Autobot HQ.)

Ironhide is teaching Spike about the Internet on
Teletran One. Bumblebee stands nearby watching.
On the screen is a cascading:
FUCK...
FUCK....
FUCK....
FUCK....

Spike: Man, this alt.flame newsgroup is whacked.
Let's go back to that FDA site. That was pretty
cool.

Ironhide: Yeah, especially that Santa Dogg one, when
that chorus sang. I wonder who those people were.
THEY WERE AWESOME!! THEY DESERVE TO MAKE
MILLIONS!!!!

Jazz walks in.

Jazz: Hey, Spike!! So when are you finally going to
get some from that ho of yours, anyway?

Spike: Wh-what, excuse me!!

Jazz. Chill, man. All I'm saying is if I was
human, I would have gotten the blow job weeks ago.
That bitch is FINE!!

Spike: I-I....

Grimlock lumbers in.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK HEAR TALK ABOUT BLOW JOBS.
GRIMLOCK LOVE BLOWING.

Bumblebee: (to himself) I'm glad I'm gay.

Suddenly, Optimus Prime strides in worriedly.

Prime: Cut it out guys. We've got trouble. The
Decepticons are heading somewhere, and I KNOW it means
they're up to no good. Lessons are over. Teletran
One, can you give me a fix on their destination.

Teletran One: Hello, I'm Casey Kasam!!! Up now is a
great new band called N-Sync, four lovable guys that
the chicks just go ga-ga for..

Prime: What the...

He hits the computer.

TO: (static) This is Teletram One. Probable location
of Decepticon destination...Redmond, Washington.

Prime: Redmond, Washington. What could be there?

Bumblebee: Good God, the Decepticons are going to
destroy Starbucks!!!! NOOOOOOoooooo...

Prime: That's Seattle Bumblebee. Retard. But it
still worries me. Only one way to find
out...AUTOBOTS...TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!!!

Prime transforms and speeds away.

Spike: Hey, Jazz, where DOES Prime's Trailer come
from when he transforms?

Jazz pauses thoughtfully, and shrugs.

Jazz: You know, I never really thought about it
before.

(Autobot symbol flips to Autobot symbol.)

KITT comes flying down a road with Michael Knight
inside.

KITT: Micheal, the truck has disappeared again.

Micheal: Damn, I guess we time to spare.

KITT: I am reading four strip clubs in the
surrounding area, Micheal.

Micheal: Give me turbo, KITT!!

KITT: Right away, Micheal!!!

(Autobot symbol flips to Decepticon symbol)

(Outside Microsoft HQ: Redmond, Washington)

A limosine pulls up next to the entrance, containing
all the members of Hanson.

Hanson #1: So that's Microsoft Headquarters....

Hanson#2: This is so exciting!! I don't think I can
hold it..

Hanson#3: God damn it, did you wet yourself AGAIN!!
Aw man, driver....hey, what's...AIIIYYEEEEEE!!!

Megatron lands on the limosine, crushing it and
causing the gas tank to explode, sending pieces of
metal and Hanson members everywhere. The rest of the
Decepticons land. Firecracker strides over and
surveys the flaming wreckage.

Firecracker: Why, Megatron, I think you just killed
Hanson!

All the Decepticons look at each other for a minute,
and then throw their heads back, roaring with
laughter.
All except one.

Starscream: OH GOD WHYYYYYY!!!!!

Starscream runs over to the wreckage and starts
wailing. Meanwhile, Dirge and Ramjet play catch
with a piece of medula oblangata.

Starscream: Thank God, I can still listen to
M-m-m-bop on my radio. I promise you, Hanson, your
spirits...

Megatron slaps him silly.

Megatron: SILENCE!! One more word, and tommorrow's
target is the Spice Girls. And now, Decepticons.
In that building lies the code for the most evil
program ever devised..WINDOWS 98!! Once we download
that onto Teletran One, the Autobots won't stand a
chance. All we need to do is find its creator, a
human called Bill Gates. Soundwave, dispatch
Laserbeak to warn us if the Autobots show up.

Soundwave: YES, MEGATRON.

Laserbeak pops out and flys off.

Megatron: Decepticons...ATTACK!!

The Decepticons begin laying waste to Microsoft,
despite the valiant efforts of Microsoft security to
turn the Decepticons back by hurling Microsoft text
support manuals at them.
Meanwhile, Megatron, Soundwave, and Shockwave, fly to
a building in the center of the compound.

Megatron: Aha, there is where the human called Gates
must be. The Decepticons crash through the skylight
in the roof, and land on the floor. Behind a desk,
Bill Gates sits, oblivious, with a gigantic smile on
his face.

Megatron: William Gates III, I have come for you.
You will follow my orders...OR DIE!!

Bill Gates just sits there, with a huge smile on his
face and his eyes closed.

Megatron: I SAID, OBEY ME OR DIE, HUMAN!!

Same thing.

Megatron: What is he doing?

Shockwave walks around the desk.

Shockwave: He seems to be.....AW, GROSS!!

Megatron walks over to behold the site of Steve Jobs
sucking Bill Gates' cock. Gates starts to hum
'Personality'.

Megatron slams his fist down on Gates' desk,
shattering it. Finally, the two men give a start and
look up. Jobs hastily wipes his mouth and staggers
back. Gates quickly recovers himself and starts to
scowl.

Gates: Oh, this is great. Now the Justice
Department is sending robots after me. I don't who
you are, but you can go back to that whore Janet Reno
and inform her that not even animated Japenese toys
are going to stop progress!! Why I....

Megatron finally snaps and vaporizes Steve Jobs.

Shockwave: Ah, Macintosh sucked anyway.

Gates: (gulp)

Megatron: Now that I have your attention....

(Decepticon symbol flips to Autobot symbol)

(Outside)

The Autobots drive up and transform by the still
burning remains of the limo.

Mirage: Hey, aren't those mutilated corpses the Hanson
brothers?

Brawn: You're right. The Decepticons killed
Hanson!

The Autobots look at each other, and throw their heads
back, roaring with laughter.

Prime: (laugh)...and I thought...heh-heh...the
Decepticons were BAD...HAHAHAAA!!

Finally, Optimus recovers himself and looks around,
as the sounds of fighting on the Microsoft grounds
become clear.

Prime: Microsoft...never heard of 'em...you?

The Autobots all look around and shrug.

Jazz: I think they're a porno mag.

Prime: Well, whatever they are, the Decepticons are
already attacking. We've got to find out why.
Come on, let's go. We'll take them by surprise!!

The Autobots head in. Meanwhile, despite the fact
that he flys overhead the whole FRIGGIN' time, takes
three Energon dumps on Hound's head, and that he
always spies on the Autobots in EVERY DAMN episode,
the Autobots STILL fail to notice Laserbeak.

(Autobot symbol flips to Decepticon symbol)

(Back in Emperor Gates' office...)

Gates: I mean, while you're at it ,why not try our
new Office suite. Our Beta version only crashed
EVERY TWO MINUTES, a remarkable improvement I'm sure
you'll agree and...

Megatron: JUST GIVE US THE DAMN WINDOWS PROGRAM!!!

Gates: Eh, yes. Um, it's here somewhere...

Laserbeak flys in and transforms into tape mode.
Soundwave pops him in.

Soundwave: MEGATRON, THE AUTOBOTS ARE HERE.

Megatron: Then we will destroy them once and for all.
Shockwave, stay with Geek Boy and get the code.
Soundwave, come with me. TO VICTORY!!


Will the Autobots foil Megatron's evil plan to send
Teletran One to the blue screen of doom?
Will Bumblebee finally admit his love for Sunstreaker?
And how DO they cram all that Graham?

Find out in the exciting conclusion to "Abort, Retry, Fail"!!!!!!!!!!!

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