Emerging Courageous online Magazine - Stories/Testimonial
PAIN - by Ruth Gallant
No matter how many times I write it
On thing never changes
The pain never goes away
And some days aren't easy
And yet through it all
There is that desire to be
What others call "normal".
I guess my greatest question will always be
"Who sets the rules as to what is normal."- Ruth Gallant
I have lived with pain most of my life, beginning at the age of 4 when I was
sick with what my mother called "Shingles". I know there is a longer medical name for it but all I remember is the pain and the itch and all the bottles of calamine lotion my mom used to stop the itch. An old doctor in our village most likely saved my life for he put a wide strip of adhesive tape on my side so the rash wouldn't meet. I was never sure if this was true or not but this is what my mother always told me he said. I was just glad to be rid of them.
Pain hit again at the age of 12, when I fell and injured my lower back on a hard
piece of ice jutting up from the banks that formed the edges of an outdoor skating rink at school. What I remember most about this pain was the long half mile walk home for each step became that much more painful. That night I went to bed stiff and sore and come morning I couldn't get out of bed. At the time there were no great surgeons who knew how to fix , I was just ordered to bed. Five weeks later I was finally able to get out of bed and with
a lot of determination I learned to walk again, but the pain never really went away. It led to years of having problems walking and being laughed at by others. Through it all I have survived and I think I am a much better person because of it.
From 1974 to 1981 I went through the pain of gallbladder surgery, carpal tunnel surgery on both hands and the pain of natural childbirth four times, but the one pain that remained and never left was back pain and still finding it hard to walk.
My pain became chronic daily pain in 1988. It took two years to find out why. There were days I simply had no energy and body aches from doing almost nothing were always present. Even the simplest everyday chores brought pain and often a series of several days where I was unable to do much of anything. Just getting out of bed was a chore. In June of 1990 came the diagnosis of FIBROMYALGIA with the help of a rheumatologist. I thank him for giving me a diagnosis for I didn't have a clue what that was and some doctors made me feel like I was just imagining the pain. He said I showed all the signs of it and gave me much to read about it and some hints on how to better cope with the fatigue. In learning about Fibromyalgia I soon learnt why on most days I felt as if I had been hit by a mack truck or a speeding train. Now I knew why even the simplest of everyday tasks brought pain and fatigue. Although it hasn't made living with it any easier, knowing helps you to make better choices. I have learnt if I don't want to hurt, I have to ask for help and I have to let things wait, if I have to. I think that was the hardest thing to learn, but even learning all about fibro didn't take away the
constant nagging pain in my back and in my joints.
In October of 1990 I would find the cause for even more of my pain. During a routine x-ray session for hip and back pain, came the diagnosis of OSTEOARTHRITIS and DEGENERATIVE DISC AND JOINT DISEASE. I was
instantly put on inflammatory and arthritis medications and at times they
helped and at other times they nothing did. How was I to know that after seven years of trying different things another problem would arise in June, 1997.
In going to the doctor I told him just how tired I was and that it wasn't the same
kind of tired the fibro brought about. In having some blood drawn in two days
the answer came. My liver was feeling the affect of the drugs and was not
functioning as it should. I was sent to see a specialist and he suspected the drugs but ran some other tests just to make sure. In the meantime he took me
off all my medications except those for high blood pressure. I was to return to
see him in six weeks. When I returned the blood that had been drawn at the hospital several days earlier and the results sent to him showed that the liver was functioning better. He told me I could not return to the meds so I was on my own, trying to cope as best I could and some days it was not easy.
During the mid nineties I had two right knee surgeries and although a replacement will have to come someday I have been told I will have to wait
a bit longer for that but in the meantime I would find an even greater pain to deal with. On April 10, 2002 my husband was diagnosed with diabetes and it is how I remember what day it was that this new pain came to say hello. I thought that it was just the seasonal change pain I usually got but I was in for
a big surprise for no matter what I did it just didn't let up.
Finally after a few weeks I gave in and went to the doctor for I had to find out
what was going on. I was sent for an CT scan and the results came back to my doctor saying I had something called "Lumbar Stenosis". It makes walking and sitting for very long very painful and causes pain to shoot down the back of the legs. My doctor put me on some pain meds to help but I try to get by if
I can without them for I remember very well the words the liver doctor said about being on those ever again but this was a time that I just needed some help while I wait.
On March 7, 2000, I am to have what is called a "facet Injection". The surgeon
I saw wanted to try this route first before considering any kind of surgery. I
did have a cortisone shot in Novemer of 2002 but all it did was send the pain to down the backs of both of my legs. I walk like I am the Hunch Back of Notre Dame so friends and I are praying that this injection will work. How great it would be to walk up straight again and to sit without having to get up every ten minutes in order to keep moving.
So I will be back to update this page after April 2nd
When I once again see the surgeon
For a follow up report to how I am doing after the injection.
When pain took away my ability to get out as much my son told me to get online for I could meet new people. You see most of my so called "real life" friends walked out of my life when I could no longer do things for them. A world that was once filled with what I thought were friends was now a very lonely place.
Since coming online in October of 1997, I have had the opportunity to meet many people who live with pain. Some are now my greatest friends and others choose not to be friends with someone who has pain and faces challenges everyday. I think that their lack of compassion and the lack of understanding or putting off of some doctors are the two things that have been the hardest to deal with. After all I don't seek anyone's pity but even I need friends.
There is so much I could have put here but I hope this is enough to see that just because a person lives with pain it doesn't mean they are any different than anyone else. I have friends now who I know I can write to on any given day and share my pain with. I truly believe until you live with pain you can't begin to understand just how tough it can be. A good friend taught me you can either ride a wagon of "woe is me" as I once did, or you can just get up everyday and do the best you can with what you have. It is how I choose to live my life along with trying to be a compassionate and supportive friend to those I meet along the way who also live with pain. Having a supportive husband and for now young adult children helps too!
I wrote this poem after meeting so many people online
who were trying to deal with the lack of understanding from others
Even doctors!
Ruth Gallant ruthg@sprint.ca
Visit Ruth's sites for her stories and more of her poetry: