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Raptor’s theme music: |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Primetime vs Jarred vs Raptor [c] |
The wWo, Doctor Fleshwound, |
GUESS
WHO!!
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World (1, Current), Intercontinental (1) Extreme (1) |
12-5-3 |
You know, there comes a time in every
man’s life…
There comes a time in every man’s life
where they have to make a decision. A choice that will determine their future, their
well being, and their sanity. A choice…
One the one hand, you could watch a
riveting Jarred Carthallion lecture… On the other, you could go have sex with
the rotting corpse of a pig. Then again, we could always watch a Primetime
promo, at least that’ll help my crappy sleeping patterns I’ve been having
lately.
Man, decisions decisions.
You know, there also comes a time in a
mans life where he has to beat the shit out of two of the biggest jackoffs he’s
ever seen.
You know, the type of Jack off who thinks
he’s cool cause he’s in bed with the devil. Or the one that loves himself and
thinks he’s a god because he can talk for 3 hours straight without taking in
more than 5 breaths.
Yep, well, if you don’t know the history
of this promo, then why the fuck are you reading it? I’ll tell you anyway, it’s
a good time waster. Jarred, after being defeated at Cold Day in Hell by yours
truly, went and cried to Prez Mike, and got himself a job as the CEO of the
EMF. SO, he decided to alter Primetime and Raptor’s match and add himself into
the mix, because he’s hoping that since he couldn’t beat 1 man, he could beat
2.
Sensible? No. Incredibly Stupid? Yes… But
then again, this IS Jarred Carthallion we’re talking about.
So, at Evolution it’s gonna be a 3 way.
Primetime. Jarred. And everyone’s favorite EMF world champion, Raptor!
Now we all know that the 3-way match is
the biggest pain in the ass a wrestler has to face, but there’s a more personal
pain in the ass in this match. Primetime and Jarred have been bickering over
the leadership of the nWo for the last month, while Raptor has been trying to
destroy the stable all together. So this match is of great importance to the
wWo and the nWo, as it truly will decide the nWo's future. It will decide
weather Jarred’s hybrid version of the nWo survives, or will Primetime regain
control and bring the nWo back to it’s once greatness from the pile of shit
stable Jarred has turned it into.
Longest.Roleplay Background.EVAR
Our scene opens with Wasabi and Hobo
walking Wasabi’s dog down Raptor’s street. They seem to be having a nice time,
chatting, petting the dog, you know, the usual, until they come up to Raptor’s
house. A look of shock comes over their faces, and Wasabi’s dog whimpers…
There is an ambulance outside Raptor’s
house, with its lights flashing… Hobo and Wasabi run to the house, and as they
walk through the doorway, we see Raptor, lying on the ground unconscious, with
Toby and medics all around… Toby seems panicked and the Medics are urgently
trying to revive him with CPR…
Nurse
Stealyawallet: He’s
not breathing! No pulse! And NO MORE MASTERCARD! *throws Raptor’s wallet over her
shoulder, while sniggering evilly*
Doctor
Fleshwound: Come on,
Raptor… come back to the light!!!! *starts pumping Raptor’s chest with his hands*
Toby: DAD!!! Come back!!!!!!!!
Hobo: Jesus!
Wasabi: Oh my god! What Happened?!
Toby: I don’t know! I just got home from the
skate park and saw him on the floor!!!
Doctor
Fleshwound: QUICK! I NEED 500
C.C.s OF adrenalin, STAT! And get
me one of those heart monitor things… you know… the ones that go BEEP! BEEP!
Two more medics enter the room with a stretcher. They put Raptor on it while Nurse Stealyawallet and Doctor Fleshwound continue trying to revive him. They wheel him out, while still reviving, and put him in the Ambulance. They shut the doors and speed off, with their sirens blazing and lights flashing… Toby just stands there, speechless, staring at where the ambulance had been.
Wasabi: Come on Tobes, we’ll follow them to the
hospital.
Hobo: To the Wasabi Buggy!!!!
Toby doesn’t react at all…
Wasabi: Oh come on, I’ll give you a damn piggy
back!
Wasabi picks up Toby on his back and they start running to the Wasabi buggy… They are just about to jump in the car, when Wasabi suddenly stops…
Wasabi: Hang on… Where’s my dog?
Hobo: We tied it by the leash to…
Wasabi and Hobo:
*looking shocked* … the ambulance!
They groan, *shrug*, and jump in the car, and speed off…
Later that day…
We see Hobo, Wasabi, and Rachel waiting anxiously in a hospital hallway. Toby is asleep on a couch, while Wasabi is pacing back and forth…
Hobo: Man, this is horrible! Poor Toby!
Wasabi: You know, I wonder who Raptor left the
World Title to in his will…
Rachel: WASABI! *she hits him over the head*
Wasabi: What?!
The door behind them opens, and Nurse Screwyapatients comes out.
Nurse Screwyapatients: It’s ok, we revived
him and he’s awake. You can go in now.
Hobo wakes up a drowsy Toby, and helps him walk into Raptor’s room, where the doctor is talking to a tired and sick looking Raptor.
Doctor Fleshwound: …and we’ll let you off
the heart monitor after a day or so.
Raptor: Yes doctor. *notices the rest of
the wWo* Aww
hey guys!
Wasabi: Hey Rapy, who did
you leave your World Title to in your will?
Rachel: WASABI!!!!! *hits him
over the head again* Thank god you’re all right, Raptor.
Hobo: You scared the shit out of us!
Raptor: I’m okay now…
Toby: What the hell happened?!?!
Raptor: Hmm… Let me see… It was a nice day, and
you’d just left for the skate park, Tobes. I decided, since I had some free
time, maybe I should study up for the big match this week… BIG MISTAKE!
Doctor Fleshwound: Then what?!
Raptor: I put in a tape, and pressed play… and HE
appeared on the screen…
Rachel: Who?
Raptor: *Starting to cry,
traumatized:* PRIMETIME! It was a Primetime Promo!!! I
saw him… and then my memory goes black. Apart this weird dream where I died,
went to heaven, and found out God was a Goldfish…
Doctor Fleshwound: A PRIMETIME PROMO!!!! *he
pushes the emergency button* QUICK! NURSE! GIVE THIS MAN SOME MORPHINE!
Raptor: I think Primetime’s long ass boring
speech was enough sedation for me, thanks anyway doc…
Doctor Fleshwound: Well, we might need to
keep you in for TWO days now. And didn’t your mother say not to do Primetime
promos? Those things are outlawed in 49 different countries for a REASON!
Raptor: Sorry Doctor.
Doctor Fleshwound walks out…
Raptor: Oh well… so… what should we do now?
Wasabi: Well, you really should prepare for your
match, at least a tiny bit.
Rachel: Give him a break, Wasabi, the guy just
DIED for god’s sake!
Wasabi: So we do something non-physical…
He rubs his hands together and looks around, trying to find something to do, and spots the television
Wasabi: Why don’t we check if Jarred has promoed for Evolution?
5 Minutes Later
Doctor Fleshwound: CLEAR!
He zaps Wasabi and Raptor’s chests with those electrical thingies, and they wake up…
Wasabi: Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best idea.
Raptor: Hmm… I’ve died twice in one day… that
takes talent.
Hobo: Yeah well, maybe you shouldn’t be
wrestling on Sunday…
Raptor: Oh screw not wrestling, man, my World
title is on the line and I REFUSE to lose to THOSE TWO!
Toby: Sorry Hobo, but he’s right. Jobbing to
Jarred is like jobbing to Boss Man… It just doesn’t happen.
Boss Man runs down the hall crying because he is apparently a nurse as well as a jobber, and he was listening.
Wasabi: Hahaha! Man, Toby, that took talent.
Ripping on Boss Man AND Jarred in the same sentence.
Toby: You know what makes ripping on Jarred
even better? The fact that he can’t READ IT!
Toby and Wasabi high five each other while cracking up
Raptor: Man, all this ripping on Jarred is making
me feel like promoing!
Rachel: Do you have the strength to promo? I mean
you did just die twice…
Raptor: Meh, I’ll be allright. And if I pass out
in the middle of my promo, we can always edit it out later. Hobo, handicam
please.
Hobo pulls out a briefcase labeled “Emergency Promo Kit” from under the bed, and opens it. Inside, it has a tape, a sony handicam, a tripod, and paint on angry eyebrows. There is also a interviewer costume and a Kevin Kelly mask. They put the angry eyebrows on Raptor and set up the camera for him, while Hobo dresses up as Kevin Kelly…
Hobo Kelly: So, Raptor… *Cracks up
laughing* I’m
sorry, those paint on angry eyebrows are so damn stupid!
Raptor: Yeah I know!
Hobo Kelly: First off, may I state now that I love
Primetime, and just because he keeps our relationship secret now, doesn’t mean
we don’t still have a good-
Raptor: TOO MUCH INFORMATION! We already know he’s
a closet Kelly lover.
Hobo Kelly: Hmmph. Fine then, if you don’t want
me to declare my love to the world, let’s get on with the interview. Let’s
start with the usual question- What are your thoughts on the match?
Raptor: My thoughts… Gosh, why would you want to
know that!? My thoughts on this match… Geez…
This match will have
HUGE implications for the nWo, and for the EMF. Not only will it decide whether
Jarred gets to keep his wacked up version of the nWo, it’s another huge battle
in the wWo’s war on the nWo. On a more personal level though… I can’t wait to
kick Primetime’s ass… finally. You remember way back when… Those days when I faced
Primetime and I just COULDN’T do it! He was the man that broke my undefeated
streak! And I’ll never forgive him for that. And I’m SO HAPPY that I can
finally kick his ass. Finally, I get the chance to pound him to the ground.
Hobo Kelly: But what makes you think if you
couldn’t beat him then you can now?
Raptor: One word. Experience. Back in May, when I
faced Primetime in those series of matches, I hadn’t main evented before. The wWo
lockdown, what a great week that was, was the first time I ever main evented…
And now I’ve been main eventing for 6 months. I’ve been facing people like Def
Metal, Matt Dragon, and Jarred… I know how it works now. And I know how to beat
Primetime now. I know I CAN beat Primetime now, and I’m going to do it.
You know, I notice
something about Primetime. I also notice it about Jarred.
They don’t take my
title reign seriously. Even though I’m the EMF superstar in 2002 who finally broke
the dreaded “First PPV Defense” curse, they still don’t take me seriously. Even
though I retired Matt Dragon AND Def Metal, and I defeated Jarred in a 3 stages
of hell match, they still think I’m a joke. A freaking JOKE!
I’ve heard it many a
time… You belong in a circus. You make a mockery of this business, blah blah,
yadda yadda. Well now is my chance. Those two are going to find out, when they
wake up on Monday morning, that they were beaten by that “joke”! That “joke”
just kicked their asses, bigtime! I’m sick of being the Joke. I’m sick of not
being respected.
Robin Williams is a
comedy actor… Does he make a mockery of the Film business? NO! No he doesn’t.
So how come if I use comedy, that makes Wrestling a joke?!
No, what truly makes
wrestling a joke is bullshit like “I am the grandson of the devil” “I am the
gatekeeper to hell”. That’s what makes wrestling a joke. I get people to tune
in to the damn show, while people like Jarred send people away, groaning “what
the hell has become of my favorite program?”. Then there’s Primetime, who doesn’t
make wrestling a joke, he makes it a FUCKING BORE! *Raptor’s heart
monitor starts to beep faster and faster* Could he seriously do anything BUT talk about his
matches with the nWo, then give the camera a 3 hour long speech? I don’t
remember 1 Primetime promo that DIDN’T happen in his EMF locker room!
His heart monitor slows down because Wasabi gives him some drugs
No, Kelly, I’m not the Joke around here. I’m not the one making a mockery of
this business. It’s people like those two who are killing this place.
It’s not only time
for me to get my world title reign respected around here. It’s time for ME to
get respected around here. And the best way of doing that is beating these two
jackasses at their own game…
Hobo Kelly: Hmm… Well, what about the nWo interfering?
Or the so called “monster”?
Raptor: Interference. Another reason why my title
reign isn’t taken seriously. Last month, at Cold Day in Hell, Badd Boy
interfered and took away all that I worked for in that match. Every drop of
blood, every ounce of energy that I put in to pinning Jarred was destroyed when
Badd Boy came in and smashed Jarred over the head with that chair. So I don’t
want it in this match, thank you very much. If the monster wants to bash
Primetime and Jarred, that’s fine, feel free. But he can do it AFTER my match,
or he’s gonna be on the receiving end of an ass whooping from ME!
So, Monster… If your
reading this. Stay out of my match. I don’t care if you want Jarred and
Primetime. I don’t care if they betrayed you, if they destroyed you. I don’t
care if you are their “hell”. Wait till after I get those two pin falls. Then,
once I’ve won, you can feel free to destroy THEM all you like. But only after
the match.
Now, on the nWo interfering.
I’ve got an agreement with the wWo that they stay out of my matches. And I hope
Jarred does the same. I hope Mr. Nash stays away from this match, because it
would be terrible if he tears ANOTHER muscle. Kevin Nash is a walking accident
waiting to happen. And of Rob Steelheart and Tazz… Rob will be taken care of by
Wasabi, while Tazz… Well, if he can get up to the ring apron to try and hit me I’ll
be impressed.
Hobo Kelly: Okay, and now for the last question I
ALWAYS ask. What are your-
Raptor: Closing Comments? *Kelly nods* This match is of
great importance. It’s not your standard World Title defense, no no no! it’s my
chance, not only to stop the nWo, but to prove I deserve this title. And it’s
my chance to finally beat down that fuck Primetime for all that he’s ever done
or said.
Primetime, you think you hate me now? You’re really gonna hate Raptor after
Evolution.
And Jarred. Everyone’s
favorite Anti-Christ. The Devil can’t help you now.
It’s time for me to prove
to the world why this title is mine, gentlemen. And don’t you forget…
The Raptor is on the
Rampage!
Hobo stops rollin, and takes
off his Kevin Kelly mask.
Wasabi: Hey guys! That was great and- AH CRAP! I
forgot to find my DOG!
Wasabi runs off suddenly as the promo fades.
The EMF’s most unstable stable…