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Indiana Raptor’s theme music: Indy!!
Look! It's Saliva!!! Riding a... big pile of Dope?! What the? Click for
"Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Adventure |
Other Heroes Used |
Villains Mentioned |
Sacred Artifacts Held |
Ancient Record |
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Raptor vs Matt Dragon vs Def Metal |
Madame Claire Voyant, |
Matthew
Dragon, Def Metal
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Attitude World (2 and Last Ever) Extreme (1) |
9-5-2 |
FINALLY!!!! Raptor finally gets his shot
at the world championship… After a vexing draw in their match last week, Def
Metal and Raptor are now BOTH number 1 contenders. So now, at Legacy of Blood,
Raptor’s going for that sacred relic they call the “EMF Heavyweight
Championship”… A mythological, sacred artifact that many have heard about, but
never seen… A relic that has stood in legends and stories, for generations to
hear about and dream about. The ancient prize, once an impossibility, is now
within Indiana Raptor’s reach, but first, he must defeat two nemeses (or is it
nemesi?) who stand between him and the sacred gold… Def Metal, and Matthew
Dragon.
Our scene opens at a number 1 contender’s party that the
wWo are throwing for Raptor… It’s in Hobo’s massive party hall, and thousands
are in attendance, raving away to Saliva, in celebration of Raptor regaining
his number one contenderness. Raptor is standing around, surveying the scene,
when Hobo walks up to him. They have to yell to each other so they can hear
over the very loud music.
Hobo: My little Raptor, all grown up, going for the world title!
I’m so proud!!!!!
Raptor: Did you just say it’s very loud? Cause
you’re right.
Hobo: Did you just say that I’m tight? *Looks at his buttocks* Why thank you!
Raptor: No, why would I have the flu?
Hobo: What are you talking about… There’s
nothing on my shoe!
Raptor: What about Pikachu?
Hobo: Umm… I think maybe we’re getting mixed up…
Raptor: Did you just say it’s time to get a
Persian duck?
Suddenly, the lights cut out, all the
music stops, the party dies, and we hear hundreds of screams from the people in
attendance… The front doors burst open, and some moody lighting is behind the
character in the doorway. The person swings their cape away, and starts to walk
towards Raptor through the crowd…
Figure: Where is the one, they call… Raptor?
Raptor: That’s me! *he waves to catch her attention* But who the hell are you?
Figure: I am Madame Claire Voyant… I have very
important issues I need to discuss with you!
Raptor: Well, that’s all well and good, but why
did you cut out our power?
Madame
Claire Voyant: Umm…
For the dramatic entrance… and admit it- it also makes it 100 times easier to
find you…
The power comes back on, and Madame Claire Voyant sees Hobo…
Madame
Claire Voyant: Who is
this creature?
Hobo: I’m NOT a creature thank you very much,
I’m Hobo.
Madame
Claire Voyant: Oh, I
see… YOU’RE Hobo… Sorry… Raptor, let’s go!
They walk out of the party, into Hobo’s home cinema…
Madame
Claire Voyant: I’m
going to be quick, because I’ve gotta go talk to John Lennon’s ghost in 5
minutes. I need you to do something… I need you to get the EMF heavyweight
championship belt and bring it to me…
Raptor: Aww sure- I’ll get it this Sunday, and
bring it to you!
Madame
Claire Voyant: No… I
need it NOW. Go and get it NOW…
Raptor: But!!! *Whimpers* But… Party!!! *On the verge of crying* Party!!!!!!!
Madame
Claire Voyant: Screw
the party, go GET THE BELT!
She laughs evilly, and throws something
to the ground… There is an explosion of smoke, as the evil laugh continues… The
smoke clears, and her laugh stops, and she stands there, confused…
Madame
Claire Voyant: Dodgy
“Home Brand” exit explosion capsules… Hmmph… Let’s try this again…
She explodes another one, with an evil
laugh again, and this time, when the smoke clears, she’s gone. Raptor and Hobo
just look at each other, confused…
Raptor: Oh well… This sounds like a job for… *he pulls the acubra hat out* Indiana Raptor!!!
Hobo: And his trusty sidekick… Professor
Hobo!!!!!
Indiana
Raptor: Wait a second…
You’re not a professor!
Professor
Hobo: Yeah well… You’re
not a… um… Indiana. Whatever the hell that is.
Indiana
Raptor: Ha, ok, fair
enough! Now let’s GO!
They run off to start the adventure…
Later that day
Our scene comes back with a very large
mansion, and a limo that has the number plate “EMFCEO1”. Suddenly, we see two
figures sneak past a couple of trees in the distance. They climb the fence,
into the yard of the house. The cameraman runs over to see who it is, and we
see Indiana Raptor and Professor Hobo, hiding behind a couple of trees,
whispering to each other.
Professor
Hobo: Are you sure this
is the place?
Indiana
Raptor: Sure am,
Professor. Have you got the bolt cutters?
Professor
Hobo: Ah… No. Sorry- all
I could get were these child safe scissors- Look! They don’t cut skin! Sorry
man, I trie-
He’s interrupted by a noise… The
Professor and Indiana Raptor look around… Then look at each other cautiously.
The sound starts to get louder…
Dogs… Barking…
It gets louder… Indy and the Professor look
at each other, then look behind them. And they see two massive guard dogs
running at them.
Indiana
Raptor: GO!
They make a break for the house, running
as fast as they can… They reach the door, and can’t get in, because Professor
Hobo didn’t get the bolt cutters… Indy just smiles, then kicks the door down.
He replaces the door, and he and Professor Hobo look around the musty old house
in amazement. It’s interior is huge, and there are pictures of Matt Dragon’s
greatest career moments on the walls…
Indiana
Raptor: All right,
let’s split up- I’ll search downstairs, you search the bedrooms. We need that
belt.
Half
an Hour later
Raptor and Hobo meet up in the lobby to
see what the other has found…
Indiana
Raptor: Nothing. Sweet Fuck
All down here… Except a couple of “Best of the Mardi Gras” tapes and two “Queer
as Folk” DVDs. You find anything?
Professor
Hobo: No, I didn’t find
the belt, but I found a hell of a lot of sex toys and lingerie… There were
almost 50 dildoes up there- I tell you what, Mrs. Dragon must be one horny
bitch!
Indiana
Raptor: *Looking
extremely disgusted* I
don’t think there IS a Mrs. Dragon, Professor…
Professor Hobo looks like he’s about to hurl…
Indiana Raptor: I think Unreal is a regular visitor to this
place somehow…
Professor Hobo: You know, now that I think about it, he
and Matt Dragon did seem kinda friendly in the locker room…
Indiana Raptor: Wait a second… Locker room? That’s where
Matt Dragon must be! Let’s GO!
They run off, to continue the adventure…
Later
that day… (Again)
We see Indy and the Professor sneaking
down the hallways of the arena. They walk past many locker room doors, past Def
Metal’s locker room, past Prez Mike’s office, then they come up on the room
they’re after… a nWo locker room…
He knocks on the door, just to see if
anyone is in there… But there’s no answer.
Indiana
Raptor: Aww easy! No
one guarding the place, we can just grab the title and go!
He kicks the door down… But is really surprised
at what he sees, and quickly grabs the door before it hits the floor and makes
a noise.
On the couch, Matt Dragon is asleep,
hugging the world championship belt like a teddy bear! Indy gives the Professor
a look that says “shit man, this’ll be harder then I thought” and starts to
walk towards the sleeping dragon.
Matt Dragon: z z z z z z z z z…. 4 life…z z z… 2 sweet…
z z z z z z z…. I love you Primetime…
Professor Hobo:
Haha! Indy? Did you hear
tha-
Indiana Raptor: *incredibly annoyed* Shhh!
Indy sneaks up to him, and starts trying
to tug the world title from Matt Dragon’s loving hands
Professor
Hobo: Tug Harder!
Indiana
Raptor: Shut up! You’ll
wake-
Matt Dragon: *Waking up* Huh? What?
Indiana
Raptor: Oh fuck.
Professor
Hobo: SCARPER!!!!
Indy quickly grabs the title and they make a break for it. Matt Dragon quickly realizes what’s going on and jumps up, angry. He chases after them, as Indiana Raptor sings his theme to himself, to make the moment complete. They run, and run, as Matt Dragon continues to chase them through the arena.
Matt Dragon: COME BACK HERE!!!!
Indiana
Raptor: Professor! Careful
of Boobytraps!!!
He ducks a ironing board, jumps over a pit of thumbtacks and runs around some barbed wire.
Professor
Hobo: *Puffed out*
I can’t go much
farther!
Indiana
Raptor: Not far to the
car park! We just have to run though the catering room and we’re there!!!
They burst through a door, into the home
stretch! The catering room… But there are tables in the way! Indy grabs a
light, hanging from the roof, and swings onto one of the tables… He runs, and
runs, past the EMF locker room, and stepping on heaps of people’s food… They
all get pissed off, and start chasing Raptor too.
Indiana
Raptor: Oh sweet jesus!
Professor
Hobo: GO! It’s an angry
mob!!!!
They burst out of the catering room door,
and run to the carpark… There they see it, their car. Indy and the Professor
both jump in, and lock the doors…
Indiana
Raptor: Ohhhh no! I
left the keys in Matt Dragon’s locker room!!!!! I’ll have to hot wire it!
The angry mob start to shake the car back and forth, screaming…
Indiana
Raptor: Almost there!!!
GOT IT!
The engine rumbles to life, as Indiana
and Hobo speed off to safety, leaving the angry mob, shaking their fists at
Indy in the carpark.
Later
that day…
Indiana Raptor and Professor Hobo pull up
next to a 7-11. Hobo goes inside, grabs some slurpees, and runs back out.
Professor
Hobo: What now? She didn’t
give us any instructions… If we went through that for nothing, I’ll kill you.
Indiana
Raptor: Ha! You can’t
kill me, I’m the hero of this story, I can’t die! I may be captured by Nazis, and
interrogated, but I will always escape due to a flaw in someone or something.
Professor
Hobo: Take off that hat,
then I’ll kill you.
Indiana
Raptor: No! The hat is
mine!
Hobo takes off the hat
Raptor: Hey! Give that back! *he puts the hat back on*
Indiana
Raptor: Yay!
Suddenly, there is an explosion, and we
hear an evil laugh… and standing in front of our heroes is Madame Claire Voyant,
jumping up and down…
Madame
Claire Voyant: Ow! Ow
ow ow! I burned my foot! Stupid entrance explosion capsules…
Indiana Raptor:
Ugh, finally you’re
here- We’ve got the title.
Madame
Claire Voyant: *She
grabs the title* YES!
I’m the EMF WORLD
CHAMPION!!!!!! Madame Claire Voyant 4 LIFE!
She makes and explosion, laughing evilly,
but she doesn’t disappear again…
Madame
Claire Voyant: Oh god
damn it! I really need to get these fixed… Ugh, fine. I’ll tell you what I really
want with the title.
It’s a long
story, so sit down, and get ready…
A long time
ago…I think it was January… Blindside defeated Primetime for this very magical
belt…
The belt didn’t
want to be lost… It wanted to get back to it’s master… The Lord Sauron wanted…
er.. I mean the lord Primetime wanted the belt back, so he cursed it… He called
me up, and I did his dirty work. And ever since, if you gain the belt, you’ll
lose it at your first PPV defense. Look at the history- Blindside lost it to
Jarred, jarred to BB, Badd Boy to Wasabi, Wasabi to Primetime, and Primetime to
Matt Dragon… And now, on Sunday, Matt Dragon will lose the title again!
Indiana Raptor:
Well, that’s all well
and good, but why the hell do you need the belt now?
Madame
Claire Voyant: I’m
making sure the curse is still there, I bet my life savings that Matt Dragon
would lose the title…
She mumbles an ancient spell, and
suddenly, there is a flash of light. The EMF heavyweight belt glows for a
second, and then she and the belt both disappear…
Hobo: Well, now that’s over I’m not a professor
any more…
Indiana
Raptor: And… *takes off his hat*
Raptor: I’m not an Indiana any more…
He puts his hat down, and notices there is a note in it…
Raptor: GODDAMN IT! I knew it was Phantom in disguise.
Hobo: Hey, can I try the hat?
He tries it on…
Crocodile
Hunter Hobo: CRIKEY!
Why don’t I become an Indiana? *runs of to hunt some reptiles- like dragons*
Raptor: Hmm… I sure could use a cameraman…
He walks into the 7-11, makes a phone
call, and the couch-mobile rocks up. Couch hops out, and walks into the 7-11.
He buys a slurpee, then they get on with the interview in the frozen food
section,
Couch: So, Raptor… *Sluuuuuuuuurrrrrrp* Sorry. Tomorrow, the biggest match in
your career- How are you feeling?
Raptor: I’m fucking sick of promoing!
Couch: Ahem… This is an IN CHARACTER
interview..
Raptor: Oh, fuck. Can we start again?
Couch: No, we’re live.
Raptor: Fuck me!
Couch starts to take his shirt off
Raptor: I didn’t mean literally! Aight… Well, back
to your question. I feel great about it. Fantastic… A world title match- It’s
great… Of course, I’ve been in a match where two world titles have been on the
line… I’ve fought for world titles before… It’s just the EMF heavyweight
championship went to Wasabi, and I got the attitude world.
Def Metal and I have fought for a world championship heaps of times- Whether
its for a title, or for it’s contendership. But we’ve never fought for the EMF
Heavyweight Championship, and that’s where the deciding factor may be- When the
stakes are this high, who knows what he can pull out? Who knows what I will
pull out?
Couch: Keep Mr. Weeny in your trousers, thank
you!
Raptor: I didn’t mean it in that way!!!! What
the fuck is wrong with you? Ugh, anyway, but there’s another deciding factor…
Matt Dragon. The man I’ve never fought before. The world champion… Not for long
though. You see, with Def Metal and I on the hunt, and the PPV curse, he’s
never gonna pull of a victory. His odds 1 million to 1, and mine are 2 to 1… Just like the odds of
Def Metal retiring are 1:1. He’s going- We all know it, so why does he need the
title so bad? He’ll just win it then lose it, what’s the point? Going out on
top? I can’t let him do it.
And what about
Matt Dragon? Why does he need the world championship? He’s got practically got
one foot in the grave, the guy’s so damn old! He’s retired, and come back,
retired, come back, on and on. And now, he’s retiring for good…
I’m the one man
in this match that NEEDS the championship. I have a career ahead of me- Unlike
the other 2.
I’m at the
prime of my time *Kevin
Kelly runs in, pats the prime of time guy on the back and runs out* Umm… ok?
Couch: That’s why I’M the wWo interviewer, and
not Kevin Kelly. Now anyway, what are your thoughts on Def Metal’s retirement?
Raptor: Well, from that time when he paid me off
BIGTIME to save him from the other world, to the many, many matches we’ve had,
we’ve been through a lot. And I’ve let my thoughts be known on his retirement-
It’s too soon- He did have a career in front of him, but it’s gone now… The
last Def Metal promo has aired, and the fans have to let him go… And he wants
to go out with a bang…
Which, unfortunately,
I can’t let him to. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see him win- But, I can’t
let his retirement stop me from winning that title. I crave the gold… I need it…
Couch: Hmm, I’ll book you into rehab if you
lose. And what about Matt Dragon’s dwindling nWo?
Raptor: It’s dead… They thought they were so
powerful, and now look- The Other World are a bunch of mutes, Primetime barely
ever has a match, and Matt Dragon is about to lose his title… The only thing
they have left is the tag titles… *Raptor has a brilliant idea, signified by a light globe above his
head* Oh yeah!!!!
Couch: What’s the idea?
Raptor: Hmm… You’ll have to wait and see…
You see, I’m
going to take that title, and I don’t care whether it’s a curse that gets it to
me, or it’s my wrestling ability, or some jackass from the crown throwing a
ride-on lawnmower at Matt Dragon. I don’t care HOW… It’s just the way fate has
decided it. My title is coming to me. And I’ll defend it against anyone and
anyone… I can just imagine it being the world champ now…
He looks upwards, imagining being the
world champ. We can see his imagination.
We see hundreds of chicks, standing
around Raptor, stroking him and ooohing and aaahing with awe at his amazing
body. Suddenly, Boss Man runs in and slaps Raptor on the ass, and the dream
bubble suddenly bursts.
Raptor: Ewwwwwwww!
Couch: Yeah, that was pretty gross!
Raptor: Hey! How did you see it?
Couch: *Shrugs* Meh, I just did… Allright Raptor, it’s
time for your go-home line.
Raptor: Hmm… Yeah. Def Metal, Matt Dragon?
IT’S GONNA BE A THREE WAY, AND I’M
GONNA BE ON TOP!
Couch: Are you gay?
Raptor: What?! NO!
Couch: Then stop insinuating!
Raptor: Fine then…
THE RAPTOR IS ON THE RAMPAGE. THE HUNT
FOR THE TITLE IS ON.
Raptor: Have fun in your last day with the
title, Matty…
Our strange, fun, and hilarious Indiana
Raptor promo fades to black with that…
Will Raptor win the title? Will Def
actually retire? Has Matt Dragon got any balls? Find out, this Sunday at EMF
Legacy of blood.
The
EMF’s most unstable (Yeah, no kidding!) stable…