David, the Chief's nephew, is back. This time, he gets to go on assignment with Max and 99. Will they survive? Will their sanity survive? Why won't the Kaos agent stop crying? Ooh, the suspense is building as we speak! First To Be The Last One Picked First David lay awake in the Smart's guest room, his mind busy with reflections of his visit to D.C., he launched into an in depth interior monologue. One day with his Uncle Thads made him want to leave D.C. as soon as physically possible. He was so uptight about things! So he had destroyed some antique painting George Washington at the Pentagon - who cares? Anyways, that thing was ancient. Whatever happened to the old saying "out with the old and in with the new?" Apparently, Uncle Thads never heard of it. Well, after spending an hour with Max, he decided he'd stay for an extra day or two. Uncs didn't like the idea too much, but luckily Max was thrilled to have me stay. What a guy! No wonder he got with that Miss Primrose. Were they up already? He could hear music faintly coming from downstairs. David hopped out of bed and quickly tied a robe around himself. He ventured downstairs, wanting to fix a cup of coffee, but stopped short to watch Max and "Miss Primrose" necking on the couch. David leaned on the nearby record player, which was softly playing "Unchained Melody." David felt pure admiration and envy for Max, but also a tingly feeling in his arm. His arm muscles had grown weary from having to support all the weight on his own, so he removed it from the player. However, he had failed to achieve one minor thing in doing so - his sense of balance. The player tumbled to the ground with David, but he jumped right back up and acted as if nothing had happened. Max and 99 looked up and said nothing but a pleasant good morning to him. Holding a table leg and a piece of the table top, he sheepishly mumbled to them. "Eh, I think some super glue ought to fix this right up...coffee anyone?" "Thanks, David! Don't mind if I do. How about you?" "Black." 99 could feel a dull pain starting to form at the top of her head. "All right!" David began rummaging in the kitchen. "Hey, where do you guys keep your spoons?" he shouted. "They're in the-" 99 was cut off by the resonating sound of silverware meeting the hard kitchen tile. "Nevermind! Found them!" "Did you?" 99 muttered sarcastically. Max noticed her agitated expression. "Hey, you didn't get that upset when I did the same thing just last week." "Yes I did." She dryly responded. "Oh. Well, in that case...just kidding?" 99's head dropped into her hands. "Hey guys, you ran out of coffee, so I figured I'd substitute it with chocolate milk. Same difference, right?" 99 turned to David, about to suggest that he and Max spend the day together - by themselves - but was suddenly faced with a much bigger concern. David attempted to balance all 3 cups in his hands, but was having a difficult time - so Max got up to help him. "Oh Christ." 99 thought to herself. "This is a disaster waiting to happen." She was right. For the eleventh time in the past two days, Max and David managed to trip over each other, sending the chocolate milk flying onto 99. She didn't even flinch. She got up, shook her self off, and announced she was going to change. "Yeah, brown's not really your color, Miss Primrose." "He's got a point there, 99." 99 sighed and went upstairs. A puzzled look crossed David's face. "99?" "Yeah, what about her?" Max didn't realize he slipped. "Did you just call her 99?" "Uh...it's my little pet name for her." "But 99? Are you sure you don't mean 6-" David and Max stopped talking the minute 99 appeared at the head of the stairs. She had changed out of her milk stained, full-length cotton robe into a mid-thigh length red satin robe. She plopped down on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table, causing the robe to inch up slightly. "Would you two like to get your jaws off the floor and put your eyes back in your heads? This was the only clean robe I had left." "Still-you-cup-want?" David was still ogling 99. Eyeing 99 as well, Max absent mindedly finished David's sentence. "Chocolate milk?" As irritated as 99 was at the moment, she couldn't help but laugh at the way the two were staring at her. She was particularly surprised that Max was acting the way he did, considering that he'd seen her in the robe before. Well...briefly, but still he had seen her wear it. 99's laugh broke Max out of his hypnotic stare. "What's so funny?" "You two are, staring at me like that." "Two? As in more than one person?" Max's jealousy flared as he eyed David suspiciously. "Are you looking at my girl?" David's gaze didn't waver. He responded a few minutes later with a disconnected: "I'm sorry...did you say something?" "Hey! Stop it!" "Stop what?" "What you're doing?" "Nothing. What are you doing?" "No, I mean what you are doing, right now, two seconds ago...you did!" David gave him a blank look. "You sound like a grammar school reject. What are you trying to say?" The phone began to ring. "Grammar school reject?" "That's a fragment. See, you are." 99 spoke, apparently to herself, as the phone persistently rang. "Let me answer it, I insist. Oh no, allow me. I'll do it." "That was not a fragment!" 99 sighed and picked up the phone. "Hello?" It was the Chief. "Good morning, 99. Hope I haven't disturbed you guys." "That is too a fragment!" "Uh-uh. Is not!" "Only a highly refined discussion on the finer points of the correct usage of the English language." The Chief didn't bother to ask or comment. "How's David doing? I hope he isn't too much trouble." 99 looked over to see what they were doing. "Max, what are we arguing about again?" "You know David, I was about to ask you the same thing. Forget about it." "Yeah, I did." "No, that was a figure of...ok no more discussions on the finer points of the correct use of the English language. So, how do you take your chocolate milk...or what is left of it. With sugar and cream?" "No, thanks, I'd like it black. Or brown, rather." 99 couldn't believe what she had just heard. "Chief...please tell me you have a new assignment for us?" "That bad, huh? Well, your sanity, if any is left, is saved. I do." 99 was never so happy to accept a new mission. "Do we get started right away?" She eagerly inquired. "Immediately." "That's great, Chief!" "Sure, I guess. Now listen carefully. This mission is going to be a covert operation, and it may be your most crucial mission to date. I've arranged for you to be placed deep within the heart of a Kaos smuggling ring. We suspect that weapons, and possibly other supplies of mass destruction are being shipped out of the country disguised as chocolate bars. I need you to give me thorough details of the plant and its method of operation so I can organize an effective raid. Got all that?" "Yes, Chief, except for one thing." The Chief knew he was treading on thin ice...but he couldn't resist. "Everything after listen carefully?" 99 had to resist every urge in her body to slam the receiver down. She forced a laugh. "Hilarious Chief, just terrific." "Oh, 99, you know I was only teasing. I couldn't resist - it's not often I'm not on the receiving end of that line. I'm sorry if I angered you." "I'm sorry, I'm not angry...just a little frustrated. I've had not one, but two-" "Three times a lady!" David quipped. Max burst into laughter and slapped him on the back. "Good one!" 99 sighed. "You hear that? It's two Max's living under one roof. And you know I love Max, and David great, but a person can only take so much." "Yes, I see...now, what were you going to ask me?" "Just a moment, Chief." 99 glanced at David to see if he was listening. "Hey Max! Wanna see what I can - " Before he could finish, the lamp Max decided to lean on - and Max himself - came crashing down onto David. Max scrambled to his feet, embarrassed at what just happened. "Eh, sorry about that, David. I'll get you an ice pack. I'm pretty sure that head wound will heal in a week...I know mine did. Be right back!" David lay groaning on the floor. By now, 99 was pretty sure he wasn't focusing on her telephone conversation. She quietly whispered into the receiver. "Well, if we go on an assignment, what do we do with David? We just can't leave him here alone." "Oh...you're right. He still thinks we're in the greeting card business. Well, he obviously can't stay with me down here at Control..." The Chief paused, contemplating his dilemma. "Well...I suppose the only alternative is to take him with you." "Take him with us?!" 99 cleared her throat and lowered her voice. "Uh, sir, with all due respect, I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, he might blow our cover, or get hurt, or God knows what else could go wrong. Plus, how do we explain something like that?" "Just tell him it's part of the new card making process. You're spying on our competition, which has come up with a new marketing plan. I don't know. I'm sure he'll believe you no matter what you say." "But what if he doesn't? He'll get suspicious for sure." 99 looked over at Max, who returned from the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas. "Sorry David. I couldn't find an icepack, but you could use this instead." "Mmm...peas. You know, this reminds me of the time that I dropped a bowing ball on my foot." "Oh! One time, a league of bald headed men tried to kill 99 and I by continuously hurling balls at us as we tried to escape by running up and down the lanes." "Really? Did they succeed?" "Nevermind, Chief. Somehow, I think he might just believe us." "Ok...see you soon. Goodbye 99." "Goodbye Chief." 99 set the receiver back onto its cradle. "Well boys, I have some exciting news." David sat up. "They're having a sale on day of the week ties?" Max's eyes grew wide. "Ooh! Pick me up two weeks worth!" "Ok, that was random...no, they're not having a sale on day of the week ties -" "Aww..." "But, we get to go on a special secret assignment." David was thrilled. "All right!" Max wore a dubious expression. "We do?" "Yeah! I'm gonna go get ready!" David dashed up the stairs. Max's eyes followed David until he disappeared into his room. "99, what's going on?" "I just got off the phone with the Chief. We're going to work undercover in a Kaos smuggling ring." "But what about David?" "We're taking him with us." "What?!" "Shh!! Not so loud, he'll hear you! Don't worry about it. The Chief and I have worked it all out." "Are you sure about this?" "Of course I am. Now he's coming - act natural." Max raised his voice and looked straight at David. "I'm perfectly fine. No suspicious behavior here, no sir. We're just acting natural, you know, doing everyday stuff. Yep. That's us. Cool, calm, and collected. Do you think we were talking about anything out of the ordinary? I hope not, because we weren't." 99 shut her eyes. "Smooth, Max." David gave Max a strange look. "Don't you think it's a little too early in the morning to be drinking, Max?" "Oh my God, you don't drink, do you David?" "What? I was asking you." "Uh, Max, let's go get ready. We have to leave soon." 99 led Max upstairs, but he stopped midway as a disturbing realization dawned on him. "Oh my God, substance abuse runs in your family, David! Your uncle can go through a bottle of aspirin like no one else can. I think you guys should try group therapy. It helps." "Uncs is addicted to painkillers?" David shook his head. "A man his age still binging on drugs? For shame..." "I know! This one time, when 99 and I had to visit Skid Row-" 99 had to reinforce her previous statement. "Come on love, we have to get ready. You can tell him all about that later." "Oh, all right..." When Max and 99 finished changing, the trio got into Max's car and headed for Control headquarters. As they approached the ever-familiar building, they parked on the side of the street, and only Max got out of the car. "I'm going to check in with the Chief. You guys wait here." "Right Max." "Uh, 99? Who's the Chief?" "Oh, uh, that's what we call your uncle. See, since he's our boss and all...well, you know how those things are." "Actually, I don't. But you guys have nicknames for everyone, huh? What's mine?" "Pest." 99 muttered under her breath. "What was that?" "I said you're the best." "Oh..." David flashed her a broad smile and rolled up his sleeves. He adjusted his collar, and leaned back in his seat, cradling his head in his arms. "Why, thank you." "I'm back!" Max was holding a large duffel bag. "Here are our supplies." He sat in the car and unzipped the bag. "Ok, here are some uniforms..." David looked at the blue jumpsuits. "Kaos? What...or who is Kaos?" "Oh, they're our greeting card company's biggest rival. See, we're going to sneak in there and see what they're up to." "That's funny. I've never heard of a Kaos card company." "Yeah, well, they're pretty big in Europe...got your Smith and Wesson, 99?" "Sure do. I'm assuming you have your gun as well. Has the Chief issued a gun to David? He might need it." Max searched the pack and produced a Walther PPK. "Be careful with this...don't use it unless we tell you to." "Wow, you guys sure are desperate to know what other card companies are doing, huh?" He safely tucked away the PPK. "Well, don't worry, we'll find out their latest season greeting huh?" David laughed and slapped his thigh. "Get it?" "Riiight. And we're off." *** The trio entered a dingy factory on the lower east side of town. A grimy man got up to greet them. "Are you the new recruits? Well, let's see some identification." The grimy man closely scrutinized the cards our trio presented him with. "Well, I guess you're ok." "You guess? As in, you're not sure who we really are, but you're still letting us go in? What kind of sec-ow!" The searing pain of 99's elbow coming in contact with his abdomen forced to stop speaking. "Yeah, well...I guess it would help if I could read. Anyways, you look ok. Tonight's our next shipment, and we gotta keep moving." The doorman led them to a large working area where hundred of supplies used to fight the forces of goodness were being dunked in vats of chocolate. "99...are you getting all this?" "Yes. They got weapons, explosives, even radioactive and biological substances being disguised for easy transport." "Radioactive and biological substances? How do you know? I'm only seeing weapons out here." 99 pointed to a sign fixed above a door to their right that read: "Radioactive and biological substances to be disguised as chocolate bars for easy transport store room." "Oh...well I would've seen that if you had given me the chance." "Hey, you guys, if this supposed to be your company's biggest rival, shouldn't they being making greeting cards instead of chocolate covered plastic explosives?" "You see, that's why we're here...to see how Kaos is expanding their business...what are you looking at?" Max noticed David was staring past 99 and him. "Oh. Just the big scary guy who has been listening to our entire conversation." Max shut his eyes as he felt something hard being pressed against his back. "Don't tell me there's a Kaos jerk holding a gun to me." "Of course I am, Mr. Smart." The man behind him replied. "Aw, who asked you?" Max turned around and punched him hard in the stomach. The man didn't flinch. "I'm not just some 'Kaos jerk'... I do have a name, you know." "Yes, I know, and it's Kaos jerk!" Max tried to punch him again, but to no avail. "Hey, Max, let me handle this. Excuse me, 99." David pushed past them and put his arm around the 'Kaos jerk.' "Listen, I hope my friend Max here wasn't out of line with his 'Kaos jerk' comment. Would you believe this guy's got a disease called Tourette's syndrome?" "Shut up! You don't know how many times I've been called that!" A tear rolled down his cheek. "It hurts, you know? Deep down inside, it hurts. Now all three of you get in that store room!" David sighed. "Max, didn't your mom ever tell you that if you don't have something nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all? Apparently not, and now we're in trouble for it." "That's right! Why do you have to be so mean?" The sobbing man pushed the three of them into a corner. He stood before them and placed a silencer on his gun. "I'm just doing my job, just like you guys. Does anyone ever call you 'jerk' or 'shtupid' or 'ninny' or anything else just for doing what you're supposed too? I don't think so. You're all just like mother! Always criticizing me, and I broke down in tears. Well, mother used to say I was special...why? Why did she toy with my emotions? Did she love me or not? People could be such cruel and peculiar creatures..." "Uh, I hate to interrupt, but aren't you supposed to kill us or something?" "Thanks for helping." Max and 99 muttered in unison. "I know that! Ugh, I hate killing people in cold blood." In the blink of an eye, David whipped out his Walther and aimed straight for the man's head. "So the tables have turned, haven't they? The hunted becomes the hunter! The prey becomes the predator! The herbivore becomes the carnivore! The agreeable man becomes disturbed! The kangaroo boxes his own shadow no longer!" As David slipped further and further into irrelevancy, 99 cleared her throat. "Thank you, David. That'll be enough." "Oh, right." "Actually, I quite enjoyed them." "Really, Kaos idiot? You're not just saying that, right?" "Idiot? Well, I never!" "Yes, you just did." "Did what?" "Idiot." "Stop making fun of me! That was uncalled for!" "A call for who? I'll take a message." "What are you...why...huh?" "Just give me a paper and pen...I could do it." While David kept the Kaos agent dumbfounded with his banter, Max and 99 stalked behind him and... "Judo chop!" They knocked the guard out cold. Max took off his shoe and rung up Control. "Chief, you'll never believe what just happened to us..." David was poised to say something when Max started speaking into his shoe, but waved it off. "I think the pressure made him crack..." He whispered to 99. She shrugged and rotated her finger by her head. *** Back at the Smart's apartment, the Chief was showering the trio with praise for stopping the Kaos "Card Company" from succeeding in their evil plans. "Whoo! DC is too much. I never knew the greeting card business was so competitive. Actually, Uncle Thads, I've been meaning to ask you something." "Yes David?" "How come you just didn't tell me that you guys all worked for some secret government organization?" "Wow, I didn't see that one coming." Max noted. The Chief was taken aback. "Uh...what are you talking about?" "You know. You're like the head of some secret government agency and these are two of your agents. And that mission you sent us on to stop the forces of rottenness. It gave me warm fuzzies when good triumphed over evil. This job sounds like a lot of fun. I think I'd like to become an agent." The entire room remained silent. "What? I'm tired of being the first to be the last one picked first. I want to have a job where people will respect me. I think being a secret agent will do just that. Plus, it'll help me get girls. Why isnt anyone saying anything? Did you all think I was some complete idiot who'd never find out?" The long silence was broken by Max. "Coffee anyone?" The End