Embarrassment, Peaches, and a Guy Named David -- Just Another Day In the Life of Maxwell Smart. The Chief needs Max and 99 to do some errands while his nephew visits. Simple, right? Not when this certain nephew, looks, talks, and falls like Maxwell Smart. Let's all have a moment of silence for the Chief's sanity...and read on. The sunlight crept into the Smarts' bedroom window. The glow slowly warmed Max's cheek, causing him to shift slightly. He awoke, and softly kissed 99's head, who lay nestled in his arms. 99 felt him move, which caused her to wake up. She reached up and gave Max a long kiss. "Good morning Max." She gently murmured. "Morning 99." A soft yawn escaped his lips. "I'm so tired. I don't want to get out of bed yet." "Me neither...we didn't get much sleep last night." Max tightened his embrace with her, pulling her close. "I know." He said into her ear. 99 let out a pleasant giggle. "Mmm...I love you Max." "I love you too, 99." They lay in each other's arms without a care in the world. A bird softly chirped outside their window. Today was their first day off in three weeks, and they planned to enjoy it. They planned on doing nothing but to stay at home, and maybe finish the day with dinner and a movie. A half hour later, they got out of bed and slipped into their robes. Max collected his morning paper as 99 ventured into the kitchen. "I'll make us some breakfast, love." "Do you want me to help with anything?" "Oh no! You just sit back and relax." "Thanks 99. You sure are one in a million." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed for the refrigerator. Max sat at the table and opened up his paper, but couldn't concentrate on it. "She really is one in a million...God knows how lucky I am to have her..." He walked up behind her and placed a kiss on her cheek. She turned around, about to kiss him on the lips, when they were interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. Max sighed and got up to answer it. "Who is it?" "Good morning, Sir. Would you be interested in purchasing a Shiny Chef?" "Shiny Chef? What in the world is that?" "Well, it's a combination food processor and bowling ball shiner." There was a long period of silence. "Uh...no thanks." "Did I mention it makes Julianne Fries?" "Nope. Sorry." Max walked into the kitchen. "Who was it?" "Oh, no one...now where were we?" 99 draped her arms around Max and gave him a passionate kiss...but the knocking picked up again. Max muttered angrily as he walked back to the door. "I said we're not interested!" He shouted as he opened the door, revealing the Chief. "But Max, I haven't even told you about the assignment yet." Max let out a nervous laugh. "Uh, sorry about that, Chief. I thought you were the bowling ball French fry man." "Riiight. The Chief noticed Max was loosely clad in his robe. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything...no pajamas?" Max glanced at his robe and tightened it. "Uh, you know how hot it is this time of year." The Chief gave dubiously looked at Max. "You mean in November?" "Uh, we were just about to have breakfast. Well, then I couldn't help but notice how radiant 99 looked, even though it's so early in the morning, and considering that we didn't get much sleep...but that's not the point. Well, actually, it is. Because then I got to thinking, she's looking mighty good, we can have breakfast in around ten minutes, right? So I got up to kiss her, but there was a knock at the door..." An uncomfortable expression crossed the Chief's face. "Listen...if I really did interrupt something, I can always come back later...I mean I hate to catch you at a bad time..." Max let out a snicker. "Actually, I wouldn't say it was all that bad..." That did it for the Chief. He turned to leave. "Ok, I'll see you two later." "No! Wait, look! 99!" Max shouted into the kitchen. "You're fully clothed, aren't you?" "For now at least." She seductively returned. "Oh good! Because the Chief's here!" A loud gasp escaped her mouth and the clatter of cutlery filled the air. She hesitantly came out of the kitchen, her face crimson, and stared in disbelief at Max and the Chief. She forced herself to smile. "Good morning Chief..." She quietly said before clearing her throat. "Breakfast?" The Chief was silent. Max broke the awkward silence. "So...you were saying something about an assignment, right Chief?" "Actually, it's not that much of an assignment, it's more like a personal favor." "Oh, anything Chief." "Why thank you 99. My nephew is coming to visit today, and I want to take him sightseeing. I was just wondering if you two could run a few errands while I'm gone." "No problem Chief. We'll be happy to do it." "Thanks Max." The Chief searched his pockets and produced a small slip of paper. "Here you go." Max looked it over. "Groceries and suits from the cleaners. Chief, do you have a grocery list?" "Oh yes, I almost forgot." The Chief reached into the inside of his coat and pulled out a wrinkled sheet of paper. "As you can see, I've had this list for a while, but just haven't gotten around to actually going to the market. Do you think you could drop the stuff off when you're finished? I'd really appreciate it." "Sure Chief, we'll have it done in no time." "You don't know how grateful I am. Thank you so much." "Oh anytime Chief. Would you like anything else?" "Oh no, 99, I have to go pick up my nephew soon. Goodbye, and thanks again." "Bye Chief." Max shut the door. He turned to 99, who was setting their breakfast on the table. "Now where were we?" he said as he wrapped his arms around her. 99 turned to him. "Well, weren't we going to eat breakfast?" In one swift motion, he picked 99 up. "Nonsense my dear..." He began walking up the stairs. "I'm not all too hungry anymore..." 99 let out a breathy "Oh Max." as she gently kissed his neck... ~~~~~~~~~ 99 reviewed the Chief's list. "Ok, we've got the potatoes, the carrots, mushrooms, apples...now we need some oranges." She looked up at Max, who gave her a big orange peel smile. 99 couldn't help but laugh. He took out the peel and lifted up a bag of oranges. "Got those already. Anything else?" "Yes. He needs two cans of sliced peaches." "Ooh, he's in luck!" Max ran to a pyramid of stacked cans. "They're on sale!" He took two from the middle of the pyramid and was about to take another when a store clerk stopped him. "Sir! Please don't take cans from the middle! Take them from the top. Someone has been doing it for the past month, and we're really tired of rearranging the entire pyramid. Max nodded in agreement. "I totally understand. I've been coming here for the month, and I'm tired of the cans falling down each time." The clerk shot him a strange look. "Allow me. How many cans?" "Oh, I can do it." "No. I insist. How many cans?" The clerk repeated through gritted teeth. "Ok fine. I'll take on more can." The clerk reached towards the top and handed Max a can. "Here you go." "Thanks." Max took the can but dropped it. It rolled until it hit the base of the pyramid. The clerk looked at it expectantly, and then sighed a breath of relief when it didn't tumble to the ground. He bent over and picked up the can for Max. "Thanks again." He said as he put the can in his cart. Just as he began to walk away, he heard a loud crash. He spun around and saw the clerk sitting in the midst of scattered and rolling peach cans. "On second thought, I don't need this can." He rolled the can towards the pile. "I only needed two." The clerk began to sob. "Geez, 99. I've heard work can be a downer, but this is just ridiculous." He quietly whispered to 99. "Right love, let's go." 99 quickly led him to the check out counter. After they paid for the groceries, they loaded up the car and headed to the dry cleaners. "It's packed!" "I know. Looks like we're gonna be here for a while." A sigh escaped his lips. "Let's sit down. I'm exhausted." "Good idea, I'm pretty tired too." They spotted one empty seat in the corner of the shop. "Over there, 99. You go ahead and have a seat." "I think you should sit down. You did say you were exhausted, and I'm not all that tired." "Well what kind of a man would I be if I let my wife stand around while I'm perfectly comfortable? Here, I have an idea." Max sat down, and pulled 99 onto his lap. "See? Now you're comfortable...and I'm more than comfortable." Max finished with a wink. She nuzzled closer to him. "Mmm...thank you..." Their necking passed the time quickly, and the Chief's suits were ready for pickup. "Well, we just have to drop off the Chief's stuff, then finally we can go home." "Sounds great, love. The sooner the better." Max and 99 lingered a moment in the parking lot, then started for the Chief's apartment. What they didn't realize, however, is that Siegfried and Shtarker had spotted them coming out of the cleaners and were slowly trailing behind them. "Herr Siegfried, vith all due respect, I do think you are making a mistake. They didn't seem--" "Silence! Listen you ninny, those suits and the grocery bags looked mighty suspicious to me. It may be a cover. They might be transporting some secret documents, or the newest gadget from Control laboratories. Ve must follow them and see vat the dumkoffs are up to." "All right Siegfried. As you vish." ~~~~~~~~~ Max set the groceries in the Chief's kitchen while 99 draped the suits over an armchair. He softly crept behind her and began kissing her neck. 99 shut her eyes to savor the moment and let out a moan of pleasure. This only encouraged Max to spin her around and kiss her full on the lips. "Shartker! Do you see them taking anything out of the bags? Vat are they doing in there?" "Uh, nothing, nothing. Not yet." Siegfried eyed him suspiciously. Shtarker seemed to be unnaturally enjoying the view from the binoculars. "Shtarker...hand them over!" "No, just a second..." "Shartker!! Now!!" Shtarker let out a frustrated sigh. "Here!" He gruffly shoved the binoculars in Siegfried's face. Siegfried got up and peered through the window...to see Max unbuttoning 99's shirt. "Oh...mein...Gott!" "Vat's happening now?" Shtarker eagerly questioned. 99 pushed Max onto the couch. "Oh...nothing really...Shtarker, I vant you to set up ze listening device! And hurry!" Shtarker put a cup against the window and pressed his ear against it. "The Chief will never know...he won't be back for awhile anyways..." Shtarker's jaw dropped to the ground along with the cup. "Uh...Siegfried--" "Not now! Zis is getting pretty good." Shtarker violently spun him around. "Shtupid! I said--" Siegfried's voice trailed off as he saw the Chief's car coming down the street. "We must leave, Siegfried." Siegfried remained silent. "Siegfried? Herr Siegfried!" "Vait a minute, vait a minute...I think we should stay." "But Siegfried, there is no way we can see if there are plans hidden in the groceries, not with the Chief there!" "Plans? Who cares about the shtupid plans? I'd love to see the Chief's reaction when he walks in on them. You're up for a good laugh, aren't you?" ~~~~~~~~~ The Chief and his nephew entered the elevator of his apartment complex. "Thanks for taking me around town Uncle Thads. Sorry about getting my head stuck through Washington's painting down at the Pentagon. I just wanted a closer look, that's all. I don't know how you got us out of that one. I just wish I could have seen the Potomac Greeting Card place you work at. My mom's birthday is coming up, and I was hoping you could get me a free card or something. Greeting cards are getting so expensive these days. My mom's getting tired of buying her own cards for me to sign and give back to her. You know, this one time--" "David! David, listen to me. I've got the biggest migraine right now. Can you tell me about the story later? Preferably after I pass out from the entire bottle of aspirin I'm going to take is a second." "Gee, sorry Uncs. When did you feel it coming on?" "After we pried the Washington painting off your head, but before you tripped down the stairs and got your head stuck in the railing." The Chief sighed. "Speaking of migraines, you don't have to be too disappointed about not visiting my greeting card company. I've got two of my associates here, Mr. Melvin Gribbs and Miss Primrose, and they can tell you all about it. Actually, I think you'll get along great with Mr. Gribbs. You kind of remind me of him." "Oh really?" David began to step out of the elevator. "How so?" He barely managed to finish his sentence before tripping over himself. The Chief brought his hand to the bridge of his nose. "Oh...I don't know really..." But he did. David was Max, just 20 years younger. He stood just under six feet, with a slight frame. He had a similar haircut -- kept short and parted to the right -- and a superb talent for hurting anything or anybody around him, himself the most. Not only did his nephew act like Max, he even looked like him too. Was the Chief cursed? Most likely. Did he mind? Most definitely. "Darn...fool...kid." He muttered as he shook his head. "Let's go." David jumped right up and brushed himself off. "Lead the way, Uncle Thads." ~~~~~~~~~ "Shtarker! Vat happened? Is the Chief there yet?" "I don't know sir, the lights have been off for the past ten minutes. Vait! Somevon's opening ze door!" "Well David, this is my apartment." The Chief put his key into the lock and turned it. "I'm sure Mr. Gribbs and Miss Primrose have come already..." His voice trailed off as he walked in and was Max and 999 kissing on his couch. David let out a long wolf whistle. "Literally!" The Chief's glare bore into him. "Lighten up, Uncs, I was only joking. Anyways, lemme guess. The one with the disheveled hair is Miss Primrose, and the one who's got his shirt buttoned all funny and is wearing the chick's lipstick all over his face is Mr. Gribbs. Talk about office scandal! Too bad too, Uncs, we missed the party by that much." Max and 99 finally noticed that the two were standing there. Completely oblivious to what just happened, he got up to greet them. "So you're the Chief's--" He began before tripping over himself. He got up and brushed himself off. "Nephew, huh?" He extended his hand towards David. "Wow, Mr. Gribbs. I am honored to shake your hand! You sure gotta way with the women...and what a woman..." David leered at 99. "Hey there. My name's David." His voice sounded as if it dropped an entire octave lower. "Back off buddy, she's mine." "I was just saying hello, Mr. Gribbs." He sat down in a nearby armchair. 99 commented on the uncanny similarity in Max and David's appearance. "David, you know, you have a slight resemblance to my Melvin here." David didn't know whether to be offended or flattered. Appearance wise, that is. But he figured if this Melvin guy could get a looker like Miss Primrose, he didn't mind the comment. Especially since she was the one to say it. He put his arms behind his head and leaned back. "Really? What makes you say so?" David finished as the chair toppled over backwards. "Hmm...I can't quite put my finger on it..." 99 dryly remarked. David got up and brushed himself off and continued as if nothing happened. "I mean, if Mr. Gribbs can get with someone like you, then I'd say I'm pretty flattered by that." Max smiled. "Well, David, all I can say..." He put an arm around 99 and pulled her close. "...is that I'm incredibly lucky." 99 smiled as he gazed into her eyes. Things had gone from bad to just plain bizarre for the Chief. As he watched the unbelievable scene unfold before him, he was too shocked to say anything. Finally, he spoke, but not to anyone. He was addressing himself, trying to make sense of the situation. "Ok. First, I walk in my home to see my two best agents kissing...probably more than that, but I prefer not to think about it. Unfortunately, this has happened to me one to many times. Then, I bring my nephew here, who destroys half of D.C., and hurts himself on several occasions. That's just great. Not only does he act like him, but he looks like him too. He's flattered to be compared to him. Someone, anyone, please, please tell me what have I done to deserve this?" David let out another whistle. He thought his "Uncle Thads" had snapped for sure. "Uh, Uncs? Agents? Why'd you call them agents?" David stifled a gasp. "You employ secret agents to spy on your competition, don't you? But Uncle, it's only greeting cards! Don't get involved with this mafia stuff!" The Chief covered his face with his hands and began to sob. ~~~~~~~~~ "Shtarker, zis is getting good! ...Vonce again." "Ja, Siegfried? Can I listen now?" "No! You should have brought your own listening device!" "But all the glasses vere dirty in the Kaos cafeteria. I took the last clean cup for you." Shtarker pressed his ear against the windowpane, hoping to catch a few phrases. "Ninny! Be careful! Don't put all your weight on the window!" "But why? I can't hear anything!" "Because shtupid, you'll break the glass and ve'll..." "...fall inside." Siegfried finished as they tumbled into the Chief's apartment. Everyone looked in their direction simultaneously. Siegfried got up, removing some glass from his hair. "Hey vat are you looking at? Ve veren't the vons...how do you say...ah yes! Ve veren't the vons 'getting it on' on your couch." Shtarker walked to the front door, taking a bag of groceries in each hand. "And now, ve vill see vat secret plans you may have been hiding in these supposed groceries. Shtarker! Open ze door!" Shtarker faced the door and threw his hands up. "Open Sicily!" "Shtarker!! Zis ees Kaos! Ve don't rip off old movies here!! Vell, not all the time. Now open ze door!" Shtarker promptly opened the door and the duo disappeared. Everyone focused their attention on David, waiting to see his reaction to the preceding incident. He was growing more and more uncomfortable with the piercing stares. "Hey, what are you looking at? I wasn't the one 'getting it on' on your couch, Uncs." A sigh of relief escaped the lips of the Chief. At least David wasn't asking any questions. "Yeah, that would be us." Max added. "I know Gribbs...you lucky guy. Anyways, I have no idea what the hell just happened in the last ten minutes, but frankly I don't care. I'm actually waiting to either sober up or wake up in a cold sweat." "Hey! That reminds me of something!" Max shouted. "One time, in college, I had one too many Hershey's bars, and I was on this sugar rush--" "I wonder why they call it sugar rush, as opposed to a sugar hurry." David mused. "Oh my God, me too! Or sugar hasten, perhaps?" "No...scratch that." They said unanimously. The Chief shook his head. "I can't take this anymore. I'm leaving." He turned and headed for the door. "Or how about a sugar scurry? "Yeah, that's a good one!! What do you think 99? Got a suggestion?" 99 looked from Max to David, and then the door. "Wait for me, Chief!" The End