Monkey Business


                        SEQUENCE "A"

FADE IN:
 
TRANSATLANTIC LINER -
LONG SHOT
 
ANGLE SHOT looking up 
side of liner with funnels 
belching black smoke. 
Steam blast of ship's 
whistle.
 
                        SOUND:          (Ship's whistle)

Then PAN DOWN to cap-
tain's bridge.  Captain
Corcoran, head and shoul-
ders visible above rail, 
is scanning the horizon. 
First officer Mr. Gibson, 
joins captain at rail, 
saluting.
 
                        CAPTAIN:                (Gruffly) 
                                        What is it?
 
                        GIBSON:         Captain, I'm sorry to 
                                        report there are four 
                                        stowaways in the for-
                                        ward hatch.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Stowaways?  How do you 
                                        know there are four of
                                        them?
 
                        GIBSON:         They were singing 
                                        "Sweet Adeline."

                        CAPTAIN:        Well, you get them out 
                                        of there, you hear?

                        GIBSON:                 (Desperately) 
                                        But we can't find them, 
                                        sir!  And they've been 
                                        writing insulting notes, 
                                        too.
                                                (Hands Captain 
                                                slip of paper)
 
                        CAPTAIN:                (Reading it) 
                                        So I'm an old goat, am
                                        I?  You listen to me
                                        -- find them if you 
                                        have to clear out that 
                                        whole hatch!
 
                        GIBSON:         Yes, sir.  
                                                (Salutes and leaves 
                                                bridge)

 
CUT TO:
 
FORWARD HATCH
 
A welter of casks, barrels,
boxes and bales. A shaft
of light strikes down 
diagonally on a barrel. 
It is labeled KIPPERED 
HERRING.
 
PAN TO the bunghole, from 
which there comes an en-
tire cleaned herring bone 
with head and tail still 
on.
 
PAN TO the bottom of the 
barrel, showing a pile of 
similar herring bone. 
Straw from bunghole en-
ters adjoining carboy of 
water and sucks it dry. 
The straw proceeds to 
wander into a demijohn 
labeled VINEGAR, and sucks 
that dry. There comes an 
exclamation from within 
and a spurt of liquid 
from within the barrel.
 
Pick up two more barrels, 
showing bungholes facing 
each other. One dirty 
hand is being manicured 
by another dirty hand with 
buffer.  Pick up fourth 
barrel from whose bunghole 
come successive rings of 
cigar smoke.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Yes, maybe it is 
                                        extravagant, but it's 
                                        the only way to travel. 

                        CHICO:          I was gonna bring along 
                                        the wife and kiddies 
                                        but the grocer couldn't 
                                        spare another barrel.

                        ZEPPO:          Shhhhh!  I think some-
                                        one's coming.

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, dear, and here I 
                                        am without a drop of 
                                        tea or piece of cake to 
                                        offer 'em.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Whispering) 
                                        Shhhhh - quiet!
 
Harpo honks his horn twice 
and sticks his head out of 
barrel.
 
                        GROUCHO:        If it's the captain 
                                        I'm gonna have a few 
                                        words with him. My hot 
                                        water's been cold for 
                                        three days and I 
                                        haven't got room enough 
                                        to swing a cat.  I 
                                        haven't even got a cat.

                        CHICO:          You tell him I wanna
                                        see him, too,  I'm
                                        lookin' for a job for 
                                        my grandpa.
 
                        ZEPPO:                  (Frantically) 
                                        Shhhhh!   Pipe down!

 
Three distinct honks from 
Harpo's horn.
 
CUT TO:
 
Hatch covering just re-
moved and officer Gibson 
directing three hard-
boiled deckhands.  Gibson
walks down the stairs, 
leading the deckhands.

                        GIBSON:         Now listen, we've got 
                                        to find these stow-
                                        aways this time, 
                                        y'understand?  Shake up 
                                        those boxes there ...
                                        make it snappy!
 
                        DECKHAND:               (Dopey) 
                                        Aye, aye, sir.

Gibson walks away from 
them, turning his back.

                        GROUCHO:        Never mind the barrels.

                        DECKHAND:               (Dopey) 
                                        Aye, aye, sir.

Deckhands turn over boxes, 
wrestle bales, etc. (Not 
touching barrels.)  Dopey 
deckhand has been half-
heartedly turning over 
thin cases, patently 
oranges, and placing them 
back to their former posi-
tions.  Mate stalks back
from other end of hatch, 
puffing on a cigar.
 
                        DECKHAND:       They're not here, sir.
 
                        MATE:                   (Yelling) 
                                        Well, hoist all this 
                                        stuff up on deck --
                                        every box and barrel.
                                        Pull down that crate 
                                        up there, you!
 
A rope is placed around 
the four barrels, and hoist-
ing of the barrels begins.
 
CLOSE SHOT

Of rope fraying. It parts 
slowly and breaks.
 
CUT TO:
 
THE DECK
 
The barrels smash and the 
four Marx Brothers emerge. 
They put their arms around 
each other, somewhat in 
the fashion of a football 
backfield in a huddle, and 
start to sing in quartet 
fashion, "Da da da da dum 
dum," etc.
                                        (Chico's piano tune from 
                                        "Animal Crackers")

Before they can get far 
with this, they are inter-
rupted by Gibson and the 
crew charging upon them. 
They run madly down the 
deck with the pursuers 
after them.
 
CUT TO:
 
ANOTHER PART OF DECK
 
A few people are stroll-
ing up end down quietly. 
There are a number of 
people reclining in deck 
chairs, covered with 
blankets, particularly a
beautiful young woman and 
an extremely fat woman.
 
Suddenly, around the cor-
ner of the cabin appear 
Gibson and the crew look-
ing for the Marxes, who 
have disappeared. After 
the pursuers have passed 
and are almost out of 
sight, Chico, Groucho and 
Zeppo stick their heads 
out from under the blanket 
that has covered the
pretty girl.  They step
onto the deck from the 
chair in triumph.  Harpo
is not visible.  Suddenly,
the fat woman gets up and 
Harpo is revealed as hav-
ing been under her all the 
time.  He gets up, grim-
aces, and it is revealed 
that a thin young man has 
been buried under him. 
The four brothers get to-
gether and are about to go 
into "Sweet Adeline", but 
just at that moment, one 
of the crew happens to 
look back and sees them. 
He calls this to the at-
tention of the rest and 
they reverse their steps 
and come back toward the 
Marxes.
 
The Marxes scramble to 
their feet and set off 
along the deck again, pur-
sued by the crew.
 
CUT TO:
 
The staircase leading 
down into the "Y" entrance 
of main salon.  In the 
background are people 
reading, playing cards, 
etc.  The Marx Brothers 
are racing madly down steps.
 
Directly in front of them 
is an ornate fountain with 
girl backed by seashell, 
a la Venus rising from the 
waves.  In front of her is 
a small pool of water. 
The Marxes stop to regard 
the statue.
 
CUT TO:
 
Gibson and his men appear-
ing at head of stairs.

                        GIBSON:                 (Points) 
                                        There they are!
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Where the Marxes were.
 
Gibson and his men arrive 
and look about then blank-
ly.  The Marxes are not to 
be seen.
 
FLASH of front view of 
fountain. Reveal the Marx 
Brothers for the first 
time, grouped about the 
statue in a silly burlesque 
of a sculptured group, with 
appropriate business for 
each.
 
Satisfied that the Marxes 
are not there, Gibson walks 
away.
 
As soon as he is a few feet 
away, the Marxes start to 
follow him, carrying part 
of the statue with them. 
Gibson starts to turn 
around and the Marxes imme-
diately set the statue down 
and take their places on it.
 
Gibson looks suspiciously 
at the statue and then 
starts to walk on. Once again 
the Marxes start to follow 
him.
 
Again Gibson starts to turn 
and the Marxes immediately 
set the statue down and 
take places on it, this 
time with interchanged posi-
tions.  Gibson is very per-
plexed, but decides he is 
mistaken and walks off.
 
As he starts to go, water, 
squirted by the Marxes; 
strikes him on the head. He 
turns around to catch them 
out of position. They start 
to run in back of the statue 
and up the stairs with Gib-
son and his men hot after 
them.
 
FADE OUT.
 
                        END OF SEQUENCE "A"
 

                        SEQUENCE "B"

LONG SHOT
 
Of a corridor, coming 
down it a ship's tailor 
carrying several suits, 
dresses, etc. on coat
hangers. Down another 
corridor at right angles 
to it hurries Groucho, 
throwing apprehensive 
glances over his shoulder. 
As they meet and pass, 
Groucho grabs a dress, 
pauses at a door and 
knocks. From the direc-
tion he came charges 
Gibson, who stares for 
a split second suspicious-
ly at Groucho, mostly 
obscured by the dress 
he is carrying.  Groucho 
knocks again.
 
CUT TO:
 
INTERIOR OF ROOM
 
Where Alky Briggs is fix-
ing necktie, preparing to 
go out. Lucille Briggs,
a dumb, sexy, tart type, 
tearful, is at his heels, 
as Alky starts for door. 
She rushes between him 
and door.
 
                        BRIGGS:         You get this straight. 
                                        I'm going out when I 
                                        please, where I please 
                                        and with who I please. 
                                        And what's more, I don't 
                                        want to listen to any 
                                        more of your yapping.
 
Repeated knocks from 
Groucho heard during 
these sides.

                        LUCILLE:        All right, all right.
                                        But if you think I'm 
                                        gonna stay cooped up 
                                        here while you make a 
                                        play for every dame on 
                                        the boat, you're crazy, 
                                        Mr. Alky Briggs.
 
                        BRIGGS:         Outa my way.
 
                        LUCILLE:        All right. But let me 
                                        tell you something. 
                                        You're not the only one 
                                        who can play that game.

                        BRIGGS:                 (Softening a little)
                                        Listen here, kid.  I'm
                                        keeping you down here
                                        for a reason,  Joe
                                        Farina is on this boat. 
                                        I expect a lot of trouble 
                                        and he's pretty careless 
                                        with his gat.  Now ---
 
Both flare up, bickering 
rapidly, as Groucho walks 
in - stepping between them.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Pardon me while I step
                                        into the closet.  Thank 
                                        you.

Alky starts to go out.

                        LUCILLE:                (With half a sob)
                                        Alky!

Alky slams the door and 
leaves. Lucille paces 
the floor, restraining 
tears.  Then her eye 
catches closet.

                        LUCILLE:        What are you doing in 
                                        that closet?
 
                        GROUCHO:        Nothing - but it's not 
                                        a bad idea.
                                                (Pulls his head 
                                                back in)
 
                        LUCILLE:        You can't stay in there.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Reappearing) 
                                        That's what they said to 
                                        Thomas Edison, mighty 
                                        inventor; Thomas Lind-
                                        bergh, mighty flyer; 
                                        and Thomashefsky, mighty
                                        lak a rose.  Just re-
                                        member, my fine bucko, 
                                        that if there weren't
                                        any closets, there
                                        wouldn't be any hooks, 
                                        and if there weren't any 
                                        hooks, there wouldn't be 
                                        any fish, and that would 
                                        suit me fine.
 
                        LUCILLE:        Don't try to hide. I 
                                        know you're in that 
                                        closet.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I am, am I?  Did you see 
                                        me go in the closet?
 
                        LUCILLE:        No.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Am I in the closet now?
 
                        LUCILLE:        No.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Did you see me come out 
                                        of the closet?
 
                        LUCILLE:        No.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Then how do you know I'm
                                        in the closet?  Do you 
                                        know I'm in the closet?
 
                        LUCILLE:        I --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Well, why don't you answer
                                        me?  Three times I wrote
                                        to you last week and not 
                                        a line did I get. Not 
                                        even a postal wishing you
                                        were here.  A fine sight 
                                        I was hanging around the 
                                        post office crying my 
                                        eyes out.
                                                (Pauses dramatically) 
                                        Gentlemen, if you ever 
                                        had a mother you were 
                                        fond of, or a horse, or 
                                        a shiny little whistle, 
                                        you'd turn this little 
                                        beast free.
                                                (Glowering like a 
                                                lawyer, with thumbs 
                                                in his suspenders, 
                                                in the manner of 
                                                Darrow facing a jury) 
                                        Your Honor, I rest. 
                                                (As he jumps into 
                                                berth) 
                                        But only for forty winks.

                        LUCILLE:        Come here, banjo eyes. 
                                        I didn't know you were a 
                                        lawyer. You're awfully 
                                        shy for a lawyer.

                        GROUCHO:                (Indignantly) 
                                        You bet I'm shy. I'm a 
                                        shyster lawyer.  And who 
                                        are you, he countered 
                                        roguishly, his beautiful 
                                        white body aching to be 
                                        held.

                        LUCILLE:        I --

                        GROUCHO:        I know. You're a mis-
                                        understood woman who's 
                                        been getting nothing but 
                                        dirty breaks.  Well, we 
                                        can clean and tighten 
                                        your breaks, polish your 
                                        frame and oil your joints, 
                                        but you'll have to stay 
                                        in the garage all night.

                        LUCILLE:                (Picks up liquor 
                                                bottle) 
                                        I'll ring for a set-up.

                        GROUCHO:        Madam, you don't have to
                                        ring for a set-up. I'm
                                        a set-up for a gal like
                                        you.
Lucille pours liquor into 
Alky's huge tumbler.

                        LUCILLE:        Say when.

She is filling Groucho's 
glass slowly, but he says 
nothing until the glass 
is filled and the bottle 
empty, then --

                        GROUCHO:        "When" - And aren't 
                                        you drinking?

As Lucille turns, Groucho 
starts toward closet and 
opens it.

                        LUCILLE:        Why, where are you 
                                        going?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I just wanted to be sure 
                                        I'm not in that closet.
Lucille hands Groucho his
glass, after pouring a
little back in her own.
He settles back comfort-
ably in berth.

                        GROUCHO:        Now madam, lie right down 
                                        here and tell me your 
                                        troubles.  You needn't 
                                        be afraid to talk freely-- 
                                        I used to be a floor-
                                        walker in a ladies wash-
                                        room.  Now, what seems to 
                                        be the trouble between 
                                        your husband?
 
                        LUCILLE:        How would you like to 
                                        have somebody sneak into 
                                        your room at three in 
                                        the morning?

                        GROUCHO:        That would suit me fine. 
                                        Tonight I'll leave the 
                                        door open, at three.  In 
                                        fact, I may take it off 
                                        completely.

                        LUCILLE:        You don't understand -
                                        it's companionship I 
                                        want. I'm young, full 
                                        of spirits - I'm bubbling 
                                        over.

                        GROUCHO:                (In disgust) 
                                        Bubbling over?  A big 
                                        girl like you?  Why don't 
                                        you wear a bib?

                        LUCILLE:        Think of it, I've been 
                                        married four years.  Four 
                                        years of battling - four 
                                        years of neglect - four 
                                        years --
 
                        GROUCHO:        That makes twelve years. 
                                        You must have been a baby 
                                        when you got married.

                        LUCILLE:        Oh, I want to live, I
                                        tell you,  I want
                                        excitement, hey, hey!
                                        I want to ha-cha-cha-cha!
Lucille goes into a black 
bottom stomp.  Groucho 
seizing his guitar and 
accompanying. When he 
stops to return for his 
drink, Lucille stops 
dancing.

                        GROUCHO:        Madam, you're making his-
                                        tory.  You, the pioneer 
                                        woman, with little 
                                        Indians clinging to your
                                        skirts, chopped down those 
                                        children and nursed those
                                        trees. Why?  To clear the 
                                        way for more children. 
                                        And as the blood-red sun
                                        sinks over your bleaching 
                                        bones, I sink once more 
                                        into your downy couch.
 
 
                        [Two pages missing!]

 
                        SEQUENCE "C"

Harpo comes out of room, 
his clothes dripping and 
an elfish smile on his 
face. He sees the mani-
curist and starts to 
chase her.
 
CUT TO:
 
SHOT of corridor, past 
barber shop, with Harpo 
chasing manicurist, who 
runs into manicure shop.
 
CUT TO:
 
INT. BARBER SHOP
 
Harpo appears in doorway 
cautiously looks around 
sees barber asleep in 
chair, and manicurist and 
Chico at manicurist's 
table.
 
At sight of Harpo, mani-
curist jumps up and dashes 
out other door, Harpo 
after her.  As he reaches 
the door and looks out in-
to the hall, he stops 
suddenly and turns back.
 
CUT TO:
 
SHOT of Hallway from 
Barber Shop door, showing 
Gibson and two of the 
crew coming toward shop, 
still in search of stow-
aways.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
INT. BARBER SHOP

Gibson and two sailors 
enter.

PAN TO Harpo and Chico, 
in white barber coats, 
standing beside two 
empty chairs.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Cheerily) 
                                        Good morning, Sergeant 
                                        - you the next. 
 
                        GIBSON:                 (Eying Chico and 
                                                Harpo suspicious-
                                                ly) 
                                        I'm looking for a 
                                        couple of mugs.

Harpo produces two shav-
ing mugs from shelf. 
Gibson fails to notice 
Harpo's action.

                        GIBSON:         (To his men) 
                                        I think they're some-
                                        where around this deck. 
                                        Continue the search 
                                        while I get shaved. 
                                                (Thoughtfully 
                                                feels his day's 
                                                growth) 
                                        I'll have a once over. 
 
                        CHICO:          Once over, partner! 

Harpo then whistles and 
takes the tumbler pose.

                        GIBSON:                 (Yawning) 
                                        I'll just take a little 
                                        snooze while you fix 
                                        me up.

CUT TO:

Harpo takes razor -
reaches for razor strop 
hanging from side of chair, 
but takes Gibson's hand 
which is hanging in front 
of it, and strops razor on 
Gibson's sleeve.

                        CHICO:                  (Stopping Harpo) 
                                        Wait - we gotta give 
                                        the sergeant a trim-
                                        ming - on the mustache 
                                        first!

Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they 
both eye up Gibson's
mustache.  Harpo takes a
little snip of it. Both 
scrutinize it closely.

                        CHICO:          I think you better 
                                        give the other side a 
                                        little snoop.

Harpo agrees -  cuts 
other side.

                        CHICO:                  (Smiling) 
                                        That's good - that's 
                                        fine!
                                                (Smile disappears) 
                                        Only now I don't like 
                                        that side so much. 
                                                (Points to 
                                                first side)

Harpo pantomimes that he 
will fix everything.  He 
cuts first side again. 
Both look at the mustache 
and then at each other, 
inquiringly.  They then 
shake their heads with 
dissatisfaction.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Shaking head) 
                                        Not yet, partner.
 
Harpo then cuts number 
two again.
                        CHICO:                  (Uncertainly) 
                                        Well now, I tink it's 
                                        all right.

Harpo looks - and shakes 
his head with dissatis-
faction.  He takes the 
last nip off side number 
one.
 
                        CHICO:          Now, let me see! 
                                                (He feels what's 
                                                left of the 
                                                mustache) 
                                        I think it's just a 
                                        little bit rough over 
                                        here.

Harpo feels it and agrees. 
He takes razor and removes 
the rest of the mustache.

                        CHICO:                  (Examining it) 
                                        'At's a perfect! 
                                        Partner, perfect! 
                                                (Looks around) 
                                        Now I think I shine 
                                        up the sergeant.
 
Chico removes Gibson's 
shoes, takes them to 
bootblack stand, places 
them on trees and starts 
to shine them.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo, as he returns razor 
to shelf, spies the 
clippers.  He looks at 
them a minute, is fasci-
nated, and leaps to the 
back of Gibson's head with 
them.  He clips a track 
up to the center and 
across from ear to ear, 
making an ugly cross; 
finishing his job by 
brushing the loose hairs 
down Gibson's neck with 
a large stiff whiskbroom. 
Gibson raises his head, 
with a questionable look 
in his eyes, and reaches 
for the back of his head.
 
                        GIBSON:                 (Feeling back 
                                                of his head) 
                                        Feels kind of rough 
                                        back there.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Looking over and 
                                                joining Harpo) 
                                        Ah, no, sergeant - it's 
                                        like a beautiful 
                                        pictch!  Look!
 
Chico produces hand-
mirror and shows him the 
back of Harpo's head. 
Satisfied that he was 
apparently mistaken, the 
mate settles back and 
asks for his shave.
 
Chico reseats himself at 
the mate's feet to finish 
the mate's shine -- on 
his socks.
 
CUT TO:

Harpo with shaving brush
in his hand, lays chair 
back.  This shoots the 
mate's feet up into 
Chico's face.  Chico
pushes them down.  In do-
ing so, raises back of 
the chair just as Harpo 
is about to apply lather, 
Harpo pulls it down -- 
feet go up again.  Chico, 
in a rage, pushes them 
down. Harpo straddles 
headrest - Chico the foot-
rest - and they seesaw. 
As the seesawing continues, 
they start the chair re-
volving around, up and 
down, as though riding on 
a merry-go-round.  As 
they each pass shelves, 
they reach out with their 
forefinger as if trying 
to get the brass ring. 
About the third time 
around, Harpo swings 
around with the shaving 
mug dangling from his 
finger.
 
INSERT:
 
        Music suggestion.
 
        (This could be 
        strengthened with 
        carousel music)
 
Merry-go-round stops.

                                CHICO:                  (Gleefully) 
                                                Atta boy, partner, we 
                                                get another ride. It's 
                                                a nice, eh sergeant?

PAN TO mate's face. His
head is floundering with 
dizziness.  His eyes are 
glassy.
 
                                CHICO:          Look, the sergeant hees 
                                                a seasick!

HARPO'S face takes on an 
alarmed expression.
Reaction of the mate be-
ing half asleep and dizzy. 
Chico goes to get scissors. 
Harpo pushes the mate back 
in the chair and starts to
work the foot pedal which 
raises the barber chair in
the air.  Harpo discovers
that he needs more lather 
and reaches to get it, 
still continuing to work
pedal.  He turns back
from getting the lather, 
and much to his surprise 
discovers that the barber 
chair has risen ten feet 
in the air.  Harpo tries 
to regulate the pedal, but 
it sticks. Chico enters 
and sees what has happened. 
They look about and see a 
step ladder and put it up. 
Harpo, with the shaving 
mug, goes up one side. 
Chico, with the scissors 
and razor, goes up the 
other side, and they start 
to work on the mate.

                        CHICO:                  (Indicating mustache) 
                                        We gotta give the Sergeant 
                                        a trimming on the mustache.

Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they 
both eye up the mate's
mustache.  Harpo takes a
little nip of it. Both 
scrutinize it closely.
 
                        CHICO:          I think you better give 
                                        this side a little snoop.

Harpo agrees - cuts other 
side.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Smiling) 
                                        That's good - that's 
                                        fine!  Now ---

The barber chair settles 
a couple of feet, leaving 
the boys high above it on
the ladder.  They scramble
down and saw the legs of 
the ladder so that the 
top will be even with the 
barber chair.  As soon as 
the ladder is shortened 
the boys ascend to con-
tinue their barbering.
 
                        CHICO:                  (As he examines 
                                                mustache) 
                                        Now, I think this side 
                                        is a little too long.
 
Harpo pantomimes that he 
will fix everything.  He 
cuts first side again. 
Both look at mustache and 
then at each other inquir-
ingly.   Then they shake 
their heads with dissatis-
faction.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Shaking head) 
                                        Not yet, partner.

Harpo then reaches over 
to take another snip of 
the mustache.  As he does, 
the barber chair again 
settles about two feet. 
The boys scramble down to 
the floor and repeat their 
action of shortening the 
ladder.  When this job is 
completed they mount to 
the top of the ladder to 
continue their work on 
the mustache.
 
                        CHICO:          It's a little off 
                                        balance. Snip this 
                                        side.

Harpo follows instructions.
 
                        CHICO:          Well now, I tink it's 
                                        all right.

Harpo looks and shakes 
his head with dissatis-
faction.  He takes the 
last nip off side number 
one.
 
                        CHICO:          Now, let me see --
                                                (He feels what's 
                                                left of the 
                                                mustache) 
                                        I think it's just a 
                                        little bit rough over 
                                        here.

Harpo feels it and agrees. 
He takes razor and re-
moves the rest of the 
mustache.

                        CHICO:          'At's a perfect! 
                                        Partner, perfect! 

The boys feel satisfied 
with their job. Chico 
rubs his hands.

                        CHICO:          Well, 'at's a that.

The boys press a lever 
and the chair comes down 
to the floor with a bang. 
The startled mate is al-
most knocked unconscious.
 
                        CHICO:          I fix him up.
 
Chico takes a tonic bottle 
marked "Water" from the
shelf.  He shakes water
into the mate's face.
 
Harpo's face lights up as 
an idea strikes him.  He 
motions to Chico to wait 
a moment, then goes to 
the vibrator and turns it
on. He puts the vibrator
on Chico's arm, causing 
it to shake the bottle 
mechanically. Smiles of 
satisfaction appear on 
Chico's and Harpo's faces.
 
                        CHICO:          The Sergeant he's a 
                                        looking better already.

PAN to mate's face.  He
is still completely dazed.
 
Harpo puts the vibrator 
near the mate's stomach 
causing the mate to start 
tossing in his chair.
 
                        CHICO:          Ha ha, look - he likes 
                                        it. I will give him 
                                        more.

Chico goes to switch in 
the wall and turns it to 
full force.
 
Harpo continues massaging 
the mate.
 
                        CHICO:          When you want some more, 
                                        Serg', just ask, don't 
                                        be bashful.

                        MATE:                   (Angrily) 
                                        If-if -- you-you --
                                        f-f-fellows -- d-d-don't 
                                        s-s-s-stop - th-
                                        that -- I-I -- w - w - 
                                        w --

Harpo places vibrator 
under the mate's chin.
 
                                                (Mate's lips give 
                                                out a tremulous 
                                                monotone)

                        CHICO:          He stutters!

Chico takes a comb with 
a piece of tissue paper 
and places them both in 
front of the mate's lips. 
Harpo's moving of the 
comb causes various sing-
song tremulous notes to
issue forth.  Harpo be-
gins to whistle and Chico 
to sing an accompaniment.
  
CUT TO:
 
Manicurist standing in 
doorway. Chico sees her, 
goes to her and slides 
vibrator along her back. 
The vibration gives the 
appearance of doing a 
wild shimmy dance.

Harpo, on seeing her 
drops everything and 
dashes after her.

                        CHICO:                  (Turning off vibrator) 
                                        Ha ha, I tink my partner, 
                                        he went in business for 
                                        himself.  I finish you up.

He goes to the mate, 
strokes one side of the 
mate's upper lip with 
his finger, which is 
black with shoe polish, 
painting a half mustache 
there.

                        CHICO:          This side she looks all
                                        right.

Repeat same business on 
other side of lip.

                        CHICO:          Everything is all right 
                                        over here too.
 
Chico feels the mate's 
chin, making a black 
goatee.
 
                        CHICO:          Okay, Sergeant -
                                        finish!

The mate stalks proudly 
out of Barber Shop, in 
his socks, unmindful of 
the fact that he is 
without his shoes.
 
FADE OUT
 
                        END OF SEQUENCE "C"
 


                        SEQUENCE "D"
 
FADE IN:
 
EXT. SHOT OF THE BRIDGE
 
Captain Corcoran in midst 
of group of pretty girls 
and one or two men is 
holding a spy-glass for 
one of the girls to look 
through, talking as Groucho 
mounts the stair ladder 
and joins the group, elbow-
ing his way to the Captain.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Are you the head-waiter 
                                        here?  I want to regis-
                                        ter a complaint!
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Why, what's the matter?
 
                        GROUCHO:        Matter enough! How
                                        would you like to have 
                                        somebody sneak into 
                                        your stateroom at three 
                                        o'clock in the morning?
 
                        CAPTAIN:        That's impossible on
                                        this ship!
 
                        GROUCHO:        And that's my complaint. 
                                        I'm young and I want to 
                                        live.  I want music, 
                                        gaiety, ha-cha-cha!
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Don't you dare --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Another thing, I don't 
                                        care for the way you're 
                                        running this boat. Why 
                                        don't you get in the 
                                        back seat for a while 
                                        and let your wife drive?
 
                        CAPTAIN:                (Indignantly) 
                                        I'll have you know I've 
                                        been captain of this 
                                        ship for twenty-two years.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Twenty-two years, eh? 
                                        It's about time you 
                                        were promoted.  If you 
                                        were a man, you'd go in 
                                        business for yourself. 
                                        I know a fella started 
                                        only last year with 
                                        just a canoe.  Now he's 
                                        got more women than you 
                                        could shake a stick at, 
                                        if that's your idea of 
                                        a good time.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Look here! One more 
                                        word out of you and 
                                        I'll throw you in irons.
 
                        GROUCHO:        It's really a mashie 
                                        shot, if the wind is 
                                        against you, and if the 
                                        wind isn't, I am. And 
                                        another thing.  Those 
                                        barrels down there. 
                                        I wouldn't put a pig in 
                                        one of those barrels - 
                                        no, not even if you got 
                                        down on your knees;
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Now see here --
 
Groucho turns and exits 
into chart room.  Captain 
follows right behind him, 
Chico enters behind the 
Captain.  Groucho wheels.

                        CHICO:          Everybody chasing me
                                        all over this boat.  I
                                        haven't eaten in three 
                                        days.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Three days?  We've only 
                                        been on the boat two 
                                        days.

                        CHICO:          Well, I didn't eat 
                                        yesterday, I didn't eat 
                                        today, and I'm not going 
                                        to eat tomorrow.  Say, 
                                        this is a swell barrel 
                                        you got here.  Look at 
                                        that herring!
 
                        GROUCHO:        That's no herring -
                                        that's the skipper.
 
                        CHICO:          Sure, skipper herring.
 
                        GROUCHO:        No, he looks pickled
                                        to the eyes if they 
                                        don't deceive me. And 
                                        what can we do for you?
 
                        CHICO:          I came up here to see 
                                        the captain's bridge.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Sorry, but he always 
                                        keeps it in a glass of 
                                        water while he's eating. 
                                        Would you like to see 
                                        where he sleeps?
 
                        CHICO:          That's a lot of bunk.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Maybe it would've been 
                                        better if they had 
                                        dropped you instead of
                                        the anchor.  Or would
                                        you rather be marooned 
                                        on a nice desert island?
 
                        CHICO:          Ha! For dessert I like
                                        a lemon maroon.
 
                        GROUCHO:        You're just wasting your
                                        breath -- and that's no 
                                        great loss, either. 
                                        A fine sailor you are. 
                                        You should have sailed 
                                        with Columbus.
                                                (He turns to map)
 
                        CHICO:          My father and Columbus 
                                        were great friends. 
                                        They used to be partners.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Columbus and your 
                                        father?  Columbus has 
                                        been dead four hundred 
                                        years.
 
                        CHICO:          That's why they split 
                                        up.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Watch closely, folks. 
                                        The more you look at 
                                        him, the less you see. 
                                        There's even less there 
                                        than meets the eye.
 
                        CHICO:          Columbus was a great 
                                        man. One day he take 
                                        an egg - crack it on 
                                        one side, next day he 
                                        buy a ticket for New 
                                        York.
 
                        GROUCHO:        They didn't have eggs 
                                        in those days. They 
                                        ate nothing but omelet. 
                                                (With pencil he 
                                                marks circle on 
                                                map ) 
                                        Now, that's Columbus!
 
                        CHICO:          No, no, that's Columbus 
                                        Circle.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Would you mind getting 
                                        up off that flypaper 
                                        and giving the flies a 
                                        chance?

                        CHICO:          You're crazy.  Flies
                                        can't read papers.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Pointing to chart) 
                                        Now Columbus sailed 
                                        from Spain to India 
                                        looking for a short 
                                        cut --
 
                        CHICO:          Short cut?  Strawberry 
                                        short cut?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I don't know.  It was 
                                        the children's day off 
                                        and I had to stay home 
                                        and take care of the nurse.
 
                        CHICO:          What was the matter? 
                                        Couldn't the nurse take 
                                        care of herself?
 
                        GROUCHO:        You bet she could, but 
                                        I found it out too late. 
                                        But enough of this --
                                        let's get back to 
                                        Columbus.
 
                        CHICO:          No, I'd rather get back 
                                        to the nurse.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Now, about Columbus -- 
                                        he was sailing along 
                                        on his vessel --
 
                        CHICO:          What?
 
                        GROUCHO:        Vessel, don't you know 
                                        what that is?
 
                        CHICO:          Sure, I can vessel. 
                                                (He whistles)
 
                        GROUCHO:        Do you suppose I could 
                                        buy back my introduction 
                                        to you?  Now, Columbus 
                                        had to send out an S.O.S 
                                        one night because of a 
                                        mutiny.
 
                        CHICO:          No, no.  They don't 
                                        have mutinees at night. 
                                        Mutinees Wednesday and 
                                        Saturday.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Do you know what an
                                        S.O.S. is?
 
                        CHICO:          No.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Well, if you're on a 
                                        sinking ship, you send 
                                        out an S.O.S.
 
                        CHICO:          Why do you go on a ship 
                                        that's sinking?
 
                        GROUCHO:        To get on the other
                                        side. Listen, what 
                                        would you do if you were 
                                        on a sinking ship?
 
                        CHICO:          I don't go on a ship. 
                                        I take a train.

A boy passes through the chart-
room with tray.  Groucho 
and Chico follow him into 
Captain's quarters.
 
CUT  TO:
 
Captain's room.  The 
Captain is seating himself 
at the table and tucking 
napkin into his vest.

The boy enters with the 
tray of food which he
places on table.  Groucho
darts to vacant chair 
and seats himself arrang-
ing napkin in his collar; 
a split second later 
Chico arrives, too late 
for chair.
 
Groucho smiles across at 
the Captain.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Too bad there isn't one 
                                        less chair so you could 
                                        both stand up.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        Do you know you fellows
                                        look just like a couple 
                                        of stowaways who are 
                                        loose on this boat. In 
                                        fact, you look exactly 
                                        like them.
 
                        CHICO:          What do they look like? 
 
                        CAPTAIN:        One of them looked like
                                        you - and one looked 
                                        like you.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Can't be us.  Everybody 
                                        says there are no two 
                                        people look less alike 
                                        us than we do.
 
                        CHICO:          I know I don't look 
                                        like us.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Did you ever consider 
                                        that the other two 
                                        stowaways might look 
                                        exactly like us?
 
                        CHICO:          Sure, just the same 
                                        size - only much bigger!
 
                        CAPTAIN:        One goes around with a
                                        big black moustache.
 
                        GROUCHO:        So do I.  But I'd 
                                        rather go around 
                                        with a little blonde.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        I say one goes around 
                                        with a big black 
                                        moustache.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Well, you couldn't 
                                        expect a moustache to
                                        go around by itself. 
                                        If you were a moustache 
                                        would you go around by 
                                        yourself?
 
                        CAPTAIN:        I know there are four
                                        stowaways on this boat.
 
                        GROUCHO:        You're wrong.  There 
                                        are five.  We carry an
                                        extra one in case the 
                                        boat sinks.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        One of these fellows
                                        had a black moustache.
 
                        CHICO:          Well, I haven't got a 
                                        black moustache.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        The other was a short
                                        Italian.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'm not a short Italian.
 
                        CHICO:          You know you could get 
                                        in trouble calling me a 
                                        short moustache and him 
                                        a black Italian.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        What do the other fellows
                                        look like, do you know?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I don't know what they 
                                        look like.  One of them 
                                        has got red hair and the 
                                        other one's got spats.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        You mean he's got spats 
                                        on his feet?
 
                        CHICO:          Sometimes he's got spats 
                                        on his feet, but when he 
                                        eats he's got spats on 
                                        his vest.
 
                        GROUCHO:        How do we know you're
                                        not the stowaways?
                                        You've got a black moust-
                                        ache and spats on your 
                                        vest.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        I won't have you talk 
                                        like that to me.
 
                        GROUCHO:        You better keep quiet or 
                                        I'll report you to the 
                                        four stowaways.

Chico picks up a piece 
of food.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        I don't want --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Now run along and go 
                                        back to your barrel. 
                                        You ought to be ashamed 
                                        of yourself, a big boy 
                                        like you running around 
                                        in a sailor suit, and 
                                        here's a nickel for to-
                                        morrow.
 
                        CAPTAIN:        I'd give five hundred
                                        dollars of my own money 
                                        for the capture of these 
                                        stowaways.
 
                        GROUCHO:        All right.  Then you 
                                        don't get the nickel.

The Captain exits.

                        CHICO:          I wish I had five hundred 
                                        dollars.  I don't like 
                                        being chased around. 
                                        I'd buy a ticket on the 
                                        boat if I had five hun-
                                        dred dollars.
 
                        [Three pages missing!]

 
                        SEQUENCE "C" 

FARINA'S STATEROOM
 
Showing Farina and Mary. 
There is a CLOSE UP of 
a newspaper, showing 
large headlines over 
photo of Joe Farina, which 
reads as follows:
 
        "Millionaire racketeer, 
        former gangland over-
        lord, crashes society --
        Joe Farina returns to 
        America with daughter, 
        recent graduate of 
        Continental finishing 
        school, to open new 
        mansion in smart-set 
        colony."
 
PAN DOWN to show Joe 
Farina reading paper. 
Joe cautiously starts 
to tear the news item
out of the paper.  Enter
Mary, pretty, young,
finishing-school type, 
smartly dressed, lady.
 
                        MARY:           Good morning, dad. 
                                                (Kisses him.  Joe 
                                                holds the paper 
                                                he is tearing so 
                                                she can't see.) 
                                        Not even dressed yet! 
                                                (Kisses him play-
                                                fully)

As she caresses Joe, he 
slyly tears item from 
paper and crushes it 
into pocket of his robe.
 
                        JOE:                    (Relieved) 
                                        You can do all the 
                                        dressing for the 
                                        family, Mary.
                                                (Stretching 
                                                grandly) 
                                        Old Joe Farina's taking 
                                        things easy for the 
                                        rest of his life. We're
                                        big shots now, babe.


MEDIUM SHOT
 
Shooting over heads of 
Mary and Joe, whose backs 
are turned to the door. 
The door opens noiselessly. 
Chico and Harpo appear. 
Harpo is carrying a checker 
board on which is set up a 
complete set of chessmen 
already in play,  Without 
looking around they step 
into the lower bunk of a 
two-tiered bunk in the 
corner, squatting, and 
absorbedly continuing 
the game.
  
(During Harpo's and Chico's 
entrance, Mary's and Joe's 
voices are heard continu-
ing conversation.)
  
                        JOE'S 
                        VOICE:          Wait till you see the 
                                        swell house I built for 
                                        you.  37 rooms and 14
                                        baths.  Cost me three
                                        million bucks.
  
                        MARY'S 
                        VOICE:          Three million!  Dad, 
                                        how did you ever make 
                                        so much money?

PAN to Joe and Mary.
 
                        JOE:            How did I make all my dough?
                                                (Flustered)
                                        Why -- er -- er - you
                                        wouldn't understand if 
                                        I told you, honey, but - 
                                        but --
                                                (Sincerely) 
                                        but I got it honestly. 
                                                (Emphatically) 
                                        Just as honest as all 
                                        those big-business 
                                        rackets.  Anyway, babe,
                                        I'm retired now all
                                        washed up.  That's all 
                                        behind us, hey?
                                                (Pinches her cheek)
 
Mary and Joe at table. 
There is a peremptory 
knocking at door.  Joe 
looks up surprised and 
utters a startled "Come 
in".  The door swings 
open in a wide semi-circle 
and Alky Briggs enters,
his mouth twisted,  Alky's
eyes shift from Joe to 
Mary, a hard, insolent
glance.
 
                        BRIGGS:         Hello, Joe.

                        JOE:            What do you want?

                        BRIGGS:                 (with glance at 
                                                Mary, who shrinks 
                                                instinctively) 
                                        This is your kid, eh. 
                                        Ain't ya gonna intro-
                                        duce me?
 
                        JOE:                    (Eyes blazing - 
                                                then to Mary)
                                        Wait in there, Mary. 
                                        This is business. 
                                                (Opens door for 
                                                Mary)
   
                        MARY:                   (Alarmed) 
                                        Dad!
 
                        JOE:            Don't worry.

Mary goes - Joe shuts
the door.  He advances
to Briggs, shoulders 
squared, arms on hips, 
jaw set.

                        BRIGGS:         Gone high-hat, eh?  Too 
                                        big-time to know your 
                                        old business partners?
 
                        JOE:            I wouldn't see you be-
                                        fore and I won't see you 
                                        now.  I don't know you. 
                                        Get out!
 
                        BRIGGS:         You can't Ritz me. 
                                        What's more, you're 
                                        gonna do me a big favor.

                        JOE:            I am, am I?

                        BRIGGS:         Sit down here.
                                                (pushes Joe down 
                                                violently on berth 
                                                where Harpo and 
                                                Chico are lost in 
                                                game.) 
                                        I'm taking up your old 
                                        territory where you left 
                                        off.  GET ME?
                                                (Bangs hand down 
                                                on chess board. 
                                                Pieces fly.)
 
                        JOE:            Take it if you think 
                                        you can get it.  I'M 
                                        THROUGH! 
                                                (Bangs his hand 
                                                down on chess 
                                                board.  More 
                                                pieces fly -- 
                                                Boys still en-
                                                grossed in game, 
                                                thinking hard.)

Joe goes to door, 
Briggs grabs him.
 
                        BRIGGS:         I can get it all right. 
                                        All you've got to do 
                                        is say the word.

Joe pushes Briggs off. 
They glare across the
end of a table.  The boys
have moved chess board 
all set up again to table 
top, still lost in game.

                        BRIGGS:         YA GOTTA HELP ME! 
                                                (Hits table top. 
                                                Pieces dance about)
 

                        JOE:            I'm helping NOBODY! 
                                                (Lays down cigar 
                                                butt on chess 
                                                board.) 
                                        GET ME?
                                                (Picks up Harpo's 
                                                cigarette by
                                                mistake)
 
Harpo jumps cigar butt 
on board, takes it, puts 
it in his mouth uncon-
sciously, goes on playing.

                        BRIGGS:                 (Shaking finger 
                                                in Joe's face) 
                                        You're gonna give notice 
                                        that I'm stepping into 
                                        your shoes as boss. 
                                                (Sticks hand into 
                                                Harpo's pocket by 
                                                mistake and pulls 
                                                out a fish.
                                                Points it at Joe.) 
                                        You're gonna give me 
                                        the Joe Farina label.
 
                        JOE:                    (Puts hands up, 
                                                then slaps fish 
                                                out of Briggs' 
                                                hand right into 
                                                chess game)
                                        NEVER! 
                                        GET OUT!
 
                        BRIGGS:                 (Following Joe, 
                                                pulls gun) 
                                        You're gonna pass your 
                                        drag along to ME. GET 
                                        THAT?  Keep 'em up. 
                                        You're gonna put me 
                                        solid!

                        JOE:            Not a chance, you rat! 
                                                (Knocks gun out 
                                                of Briggs' hand)
 
Shot of gun flying 
under bed, where boys 
are now playing chess, 
up-setting pieces.
 
                        JOE:                    (Gripping Briggs 
                                                by coat) 
                                        Get out of here!

 
                        BRIGGS:                 (Gasping) 
                                        I'll get you for this -- 
                                                (Struggle) 
                                        You can't make all the 
                                        dough and then run out 
                                        on your pals. 
                                                (Struggle) 
                                        Making a monkey outta 
                                        yourself trying to be 
                                        a swell --

Joe rams Briggs against 
the closed closet door
in the scuffle.  Door
comes open, revealing 
Harpo and Chico still 
lost in chess game.
 
Joe slams Briggs into 
breakfast tray and stand 
under which the boys are 
now playing the chess
game.  Dishes pour down
on game.
 
                        JOE:                    (As Briggs breaks 
                                                his hold) 
                                        Get out of here before 
                                        I strangle you!

                        BRIGGS:         I'll get you! 
                                                (Chokes in rage 
                                                and grabs silver 
                                                from tray and 
                                                begins to hurl 
                                                it at Joe)

CUT TO:
 
Harpo and Chico, now 
playing game seated in 
the bath tub.  Knives 
and forks fly by their 
heads and stick into 
wall.  They pay no atten-
tion as sounds of fight 
inside room continue. 
Door to bath opens and 
Mary appears.
  
                        MARY:           Help - help - my 
                                        father -- 
                                                (She slaps 
                                                chess board) 
                                        Help - help my father. 
                                                (Harpo and Chico 
                                                pay no attention) 
                                        Help my father. 
                                                (She spills the 
                                                chess board 
                                                with a stroke 
                                                of her hand)

CUT TO:
 
The other room.
 
Farina and Briggs are 
locked in another 
struggle.
 
Harpo and Chico enter 
and, while pretending to 
help, merely circle around 
and keep out of danger. 
Harpo swings stick with 
horn like golf club and 
hits Farina on the head, 
knocking him out, as he 
drops to a couch, un-
conscious.  Briggs, 
thinking he's out-numbered, 
makes a quick getaway.
 
CUT TO:
 
Mary, who has been watch-
ing the fight, just going 
into a swoon.  Harpo 
catches her in his arms 
and taking advantage of 
her faint, puts her limp
arm about his neck, etc. 
Chico comes in.
 
                        CHICO:                  (To Mary) 
                                        Which one is your father?
                                                (Mary, coming out 
                                                of faint, makes 
                                                a movement with 
                                                her head) 
                                        She doesn't know. That's 
                                        what they were fighting 
                                        about.

Farina comes to and grabs 
Harpo by the coat collar. 
Harpo slides out of the 
coat, then hands Farina 
his silk hat.

                        JOE:            Who are you guys?

                        MARY:                   (Coming out of 
                                                faint, inter-
                                                cedes for the 
                                                boys) 
                                        Dad, they saved your 
                                        life.

                        JOE:                    (Rubbing his 
                                                sore head) 
                                        Oh. What do you do?

Harpo does hand business 
to Joe, who pushes him 
off, then does same hand 
business to Mary.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Steps between 
                                                Joe and Harpo) 
                                        My partner he no speak.

 
                        JOE:            Good.  Can you keep 
                                        your mouth shut?
 
                        CHICO:          I keep my mouth shut 
                                        even better than he 
                                        does.
                                                (Points to Harpo)

                        JOE:                    (To Chico)
                                        I need help.  This guy
                                        Briggs.  I wish I could 
                                        get some tough birds to 
                                        protect my gal in there 
                                        till I get home.
 
                        CHICO:          You wanta TOUGH GUYS? 
                                        Me and my partner, we's 
                                        a TOUGH. 
                                                (Harpo nods)

                        JOE:            YOU TOUGH?
 
                        CHICO:          Sure a we TOUGH. I'M 
                                        so TOUGH, I don't know 
                                        when somebody hit me. 
                                        They hafta tella me.

                        JOE:                    (To Harpo) 
                                        How about this guy?

                        CHICO:          He's a tougher than 
                                        me. He's a what you call a 
                                        TOUGH guy.  Strong a
                                        fella.  He fight,--gun--
                                        knife--no diff-  He's a
                                        TOUGH guy.
 
                        JOE:            IF I thought that you 
                                        guys were TOUGH, I'd 
                                        give you plenty dough 
                                        to cover me.
 
                        CHICO:          You pay money?  We show 
                                        you how tough he (Harpo) 
                                        is. Once he punch a 
                                        man in the nose--he no 
                                        come to for six a days. 
                                                (To Harpo) 
                                        Show him how you can 
                                        punch.
 
                                                (Harpo socks 
                                                Chico on nose)
 
                        CHICO:                  (Knocked almost 
                                                doll-eyed) 
                                        That's a nothing. Just 
                                        a the right a hand. 
                                        He's a left hand - once 
                                        he hit a me so hard it 
                                        knocked out two other 
                                        fellas.  Show him.
 
                                                (Harpo socks Chico 
                                                with his left)
 
                        CHICO:                  (Reeling) 
                                        He puncha so hard you 
                                        feel it too, hey? 
                                                (To Harpo) 
                                        Kick a me and show him. 
                                                (To Joe) 
                                        He's a quiet fella. 
                                                (Harpo kicks Chico) 
                                        Ha, that's nothing. 
                                        He's a got bigger shoes. 
                                        Big a boots.
                                                (Harpo kicks 
                                                Chico, who is 
                                                nearly out) 
                                        Ha, ha, that's a NOTHING. 
                                        I'm his FRIEND. He do 
                                        that for NOTHING.

Groucho's face appears 
snooping at one window. 
Zeppo is with him.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'm spyin' on you. 

                        MARY:                   (Pointing to 
                                                window)
                                        Look, Dad. Who's there?

As Joe turns, the faces 
of Groucho and Zeppo dis-
appear.
 
                        JOE:                    (Drawing Harpo and 
                                                Chico to the win-
                                                dow points out) 
                                        Come here.  Look, see 
                                        those guys?

CUT TO:
 
Deck or shot through
the window.
 
Alky Briggs is seen for 
a flash in earnest con-
versation with Groucho
and  Zeppo. Briggs is
handing Groucho a gun 
and pointing to Farina's 
window.
 
CUT TO:
 
Joe, Harpo and Chico.
 
                        JOE:            Listen.  I need pro-
                                        tection from those guys.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Either talk a little 
                                        louder or make your 
                                        conversation more 
                                        interesting.

                                                (Window sash comes 
                                                down on his neck)

                        JOE:            Stick, with me till I 
                                        get home and I'll give 
                                        you plenty of dough. 
                                        Take this gun.
                                                (Slips automatic 
                                                into Harpo's hand)
 
                        GROUCHO:        Will you close this 
                                        window?  It's awful 
                                        drafty out here.
 
                        CHICO:          Sure we stick with you.

                        JOE:            Don't leave me one min-
                                        ute.  Briggs is trying 
                                        to get me.

 
                        CHICO:                  (To Harpo) 
                                        Understand?  Anybody 
                                        comes near Farina, 
                                        knock him cold.
 
Harpo hits Chico on head 
with butt of gun.
 
                        JOE:                    (Grabs Harpo)
                                        Lay off!
 
                        CHICO:          He's just practicing.
 
CUT TO:
 
Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo 
on Deck.

                        BRIGGS:         When Farina comes outta 
                                        that door, I'll get him. 
                                        Stick behind me, don't 
                                        leave me one minute.
 
Farina's stateroom door 
opens and Harpo and Chico
come out - stand like
bank guards protecting 
armored truck. They post 
themselves on opposite 
sides of the door, with 
hands in pockets, nursing 
guns.
 
Farina and Mary come out. 
Harpo and Chico fall in 
behind them and march, 
convoying them down the 
deck. They pass Briggs, 
Groucho and Zeppo who 
are lurking in passage-
way.
 
Gibson approaches and 
Harpo and Chico desert 
Joe and Mary, jumping 
behind life boat. Joe 
and Mary move on, unaware 
that Harpo and Chico have 
deserted.
 
CUT TO:
 
Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo.

                        BRIGGS:                 (To Groucho 
                                                and Zeppo)
                                        Now's my chance. You 
                                        boys talk to Joe and 
                                        I'll get him from be-
                                        hind.

CUT TO:
 
Joe and Mary standing 
backs to life boat, 
searching for Harpo and 
Chico.
 
                        ZEPPO:                  (To Mary) 
                                        Your life is in danger.
                                        Don't stand here.

                        GROUCHO:                (Coming into scene) 
                                        How would you like to 
                                        be shot, sideways or in 
                                        a group?

                        JOE:                    (Looking around) 
                                        Where's my bodyguard?

                        MARY:                   (To Zeppo) 
                                        Don't let them hurt my 
                                        father.
 
Zeppo shelters her. 
Groucho slips arms about 
Mary.

                        GROUCHO:                (Slips arm 
                                                about Mary) 
                                        With your brawny arms 
                                        around me,  I'm not 
                                        afraid of the whole 
                                        wide world.

                        MARY:                   (To Zeppo) 
                                        I am afraid.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Reassuringly) 
                                        Don't be afraid. We're 
                                        looking after you.

                        JOE:                    (Affectionately) 
                                        Now you stop frettin', 

                                        hear me?  I want you to 
                                        have a good time, walk 
                                        around, play those deck
                                        games.
                                                (To Zeppo) 
                                        Take her in and get her 
                                        a soda.
 
                        ZEPPO:                  (To Mary) 
                                        Do you want to?

She smiles and they walk 
off.
 
                        JOE:            No one's scaring Big 
                                        Joe Farina.

                        GROUCHO:        No? Listen, Big Mans, 
                                        there's a certain some-
                                        body out to shoot you 
                                        in your fat little
                                        tummy  and  that  certain
                                        someone is me.  Now, 
                                        if I were you, I'd 
                                        apply for a license to 
                                        carry a pistol.
 
                        JOE:                    (Thinking aloud) 
                                        Out to get me, eh? 
                                                (Turns to Groucho) 
                                        Say, thanks for the tip. 
                                        I'm your friend for 
                                        life.  Anything I can 
                                        do for you, you let me 
                                        know.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Well, you might stand 
                                        over there against 
                                        that rail and let me 
                                        take a shot at you.
 
                        JOE:            I'm much obliged to 
                                        you.  Anything you 
                                        want, just say the
                                        word.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'm not particular. 
                                        All I want is a cozy 
                                        nursery, my building 
                                        bwocks and you to tuck 
                                        me in at night, with 
                                        Muvver sitting on my 
                                        knee.  Then I won't be 
                                        afraid of the bogey 
                                        mans.
 
LONG SHOT -

of deck with Gibson seen 
approaching.  Groucho 
spots him and beats it.
 
FADE OUT.

                        END OF SEQUENCE "E"
 


                        SEQUENCE "F"
 
MEDIUM SHOT OF DECK
 
Harpo pursued by Gibson 
hides behind a life boat, 
as Gibson stops scratch-
ing his head, looking 
over the passengers walk-
ing the deck.  Harpo ducks
into a door marked: 
"NURSERY"
 
CUT TO:
 
INSIDE NURSERY
 
A Punch and Judy show is
in progress.  A group of
children of various ages 
are watching the show, 
laughing and clapping 
their hands in glee.
 
Harpo joins the crowd an 
instant.
 
CUT TO:
 
Gibson as he opens 
Nursery door.
 
CUT TO:
 
PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW
 
Gibson inspects the crowd 
of children in search of 
Harpo. PAN to stage of 
Punch and Judy.
 
Harpo's face appears as 
one of the characters. 
On one side of him is 
Mrs. Punch, on the other 
is Mr. Punch.  Gibson 
becoming interested in the 
show moves up for a better 
view, standing with his 
face close to the stage 
left, following the play 
with an expression of 
child-like wonderment.
 
Punch smacks Harpo on 
the head with slapstick. 
Harpo turns with fierce 
expression to Punch. 
Gibson and kids howl with 
glee.
 
Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo 
with slapstick on the 
opposite side of his head. 
Harpo turns and shows his 
teeth in rage.  Gibson 
and kids laugh louder.
  
Punch smacks Harpo 
again and turns and assumes a 
fake smile to keep from 
giving himself away to 
Gibson who roars at the 
horseplay.
 
Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo 
again and she drops down 
out of sight.
 
Harpo turns, infuriated. 
Mrs. Punch having dis-
appeared, he notes Gibson's 
proximity, thinks that he 
hit the last smack.
 
Harpo leans over the edge 
of the stage and socks 
Gibson on the jaw, knock-
ing him out.
 
Harpo ducks and runs into 
an adjoining room of the 
Nursery. This room con-
tains baby cribs, sand 
piles and a chute for 
kids to slide down. One 
larger kid is bouncing up 
and down on spring device, 
fastened to his shoes. 
The chute has a ladder on
the back.  Another ladder,
similar in design stands 
against the wall.
 
Harpo comes in and picking 
up a tin shovel from sand 
pile, runs up the ladder 
set against the wall, pre-
tends to be tacking up a 
duck painted on the wall 
as part of decoration.
 
Gibson rushes in and looks 
around.  As Gibson looks 
behind baby crib, Harpo 
slides down ladder to make 
getaway, but Gibson turns 
and starts for closet at 
foot of chute.  Harpo 
scrambles up ladder but 
in his hurried confusion 
goes up the ladder of the
chute.  Unaware he stands
atop the chute, tacking 
a similar duck painted on 
wall as Gibson opens door 
of closet.  The door 
swings back against the 
bottom of the chute with 
such force that Harpo 
loses his footing and 
slides down chute hitting 
closet door and it slams 
shut, knocking Gibson 
into closet.
 
Harpo jumps up and 
crawls behind crib. Gibson 
emerges from the closet 
and continues searching in 
next room for Harpo.
 
When Harpo rises from be-
hind crib, he has on a 
nurse's ruffled cap and 
'kerchief.  He picks up 
a pretty baby and holds it 
like a mother.  Gibson 
pokes his nose in door for 
a second and is deceived.
 
Harpo moves at crib and 
shows his foot slipping 
inadvertently into a toy
push-box.  Then as Harpo
leans over to place the 
baby down the action 
squeaks the push-box on 
Harpo's foot.  He thinks 
it is the baby.
 
Harpo nurses the baby again 
in his arms, then when he 
tries to place it in the 
crib again, the push-box 
makes the same squeak. 
Continue the same business 
as long as desirable. 
Finally the push-box be-
comes disengaged from 
Harpo's foot and he puts 
the baby down, pinching 
its pretty face.  As he 
does so the baby sticks 
out his tongue and gives 
Harpo the bird.
 
Gibson appears again, still 
looking for Harpo, who slips 
behind the chute where a 
group of kiddies are clamber-
ing to slide.  Harpo lifts
them up and pushes them
down the chute.   A short,
dignified old man comes in 
with two small kids who 
want to slide.  Harpo lifts 
the first kid and pushes 
him down chute.  Then he 
lifts the little short man 
and pushes him down chute.
 
The little man rushes back 
at Harpo, shaking his index 
finger at him in high in-
dignation.  Harpo mistaking
the action, shakes two 
fingers at the little man, 
picks him up and gives him 
another ride down chute.
 
Gibson returns and Harpo 
ducks through door.  Gibson 
follows.  There is a long 
play table with cover 
reaching to floor. Harpo 
crawls under.  Gibson 
drops to floor and sticks 
his head under covering, 
his feet, soles up, 
visible only.
 
Harpo crawls out.  Sees
Gibson's feet.  Harpo 
puts a pair of spring 
devices on Gibson's feet.
 
Harpo makes for door lead-
ing to deck as Gibson 
comes as from under cover-
ing.
 
CUT  TO:
 
Deck as Harpo comes out 
of Nursery door.  Gibson 
right after him, but his 
steps are noticeably 
bouncy.  Harpo runs to 
the ship's rail and stops. 
Gibson springs way over 
his head and disappears
over a rail.  There is a
shout of "Man overboard!"
 
Harpo looks at a glassed-
in case containing a 
special life ring con-
trivance.  Painted on 
glass is: IN CASE OF 
EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS.
 
Harpo breaks the glass 
and then walks away.
 
CUT TO:
 
A shot showing Gibson, 
having landed on the deck 
below, picking himself up 
in a rage.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Harpo walking along 
happily.
 
FADE OUT
  
                        END OF SEQUENCE "F"
 

                        SEQUENCE "G"
 
FADE IN:

SECLUDED CORNER OF BOAT DECK
 
In between two boats Alky 
Briggs is whispering to 
Groucho and Zeppo.
 
                        BRIGGS:         Listen, I have an idea 
                                        there's going to be 
                                        trouble, and I want 
                                        you two boys to stick 
                                        close to me.
                                                (He gives them a 
                                                quick look) 
                                        Not afraid, are you?
 
                        ZEPPO:          Well --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Afraid?  Me afraid? 
                                        A man who's licked his 
                                        weight in wild cater-
                                        pillars?  Afraid?  You 
                                        bet I'm afraid!
 
                        ZEPPO:                  (To Briggs) 
                                        What sort of trouble 
                                        do you expect?

                        BRIGGS:         Well, Farina's hired 
                                        two tough gorillas and 
                                        I think they're out to 
                                        get me.
 
                        GROUCHO:        What are they gonna 
                                        get you?
 
                        BRIGGS:         They'll get us all an 
                                        ocean funeral if we 
                                        don't watch ourselves.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Astounded)
                                        Funeral?

                        BRIGGS:                 (Ominously) 
                                        Anything can happen.

Lucille appears, obvious-
ly searching for Briggs. 
She stops, frowning.
 
Groucho sees Lucille and 
starts to go into tango 
with her.  She repulses 
him. 
 
                        LUCILLE:                (Shrill fury in 
                                                voice) 
                                        Oh, here you are, loaf-
                                        ing around with these 
                                        tramps and me --

                        GROUCHO:        How are things in the 
                                        closet?  Everything all 
                                        right when you left?

                        LUCILLE:        I don't want to talk to 
                                        you.

                        GROUCHO:        I ketch on.  Hubby,
                                        huh?
                                                (Nudges her)
 
                        ZEPPO:                  (In low voice to 
                                                Groucho) 
                                        Don't you think we 
                                        ought to go?

                        GROUCHO:        Go and leave this 
                                        prince of fine fellows 
                                        to face a madwoman's 
                                        whim?
                                                (To Briggs) 
                                        No, you go and I'll 
                                        stay here with the 
                                        woman, eh baby?
 
                        LUCILLE:                (Brushing Groucho 
                                                aside) 
                                        Let me tell you, Alky 
                                        Briggs --


Briggs silences her 
savagely, turning to 
Groucho and Zeppo.

                        BRIGGS:         Just a minute, you 
                                        guys. 

He walks off arguing 
furiously with Lucille.
 
CUT TO:
 
A point further down the 
deck.  Several people 
are playing rope quoits; 
one of them holding a 
handful of quoits, Harpo 
brushes against him, the 
quoits falling into 
Harpo's hands.  Passenger 
turns to remonstrate with 
forefinger in air. Harpo 
rings his hand with three 
fast quoits.  Passenger 
sputters, trying to re-
move them.  Harpo darts 
up to him, raises his 
hand again and Chico rings 
several more on passen-
ger's arm.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo as he appears with 
three circular life pre-
servers, his eyes beam-
ing as if ready to ring 
passenger with those.
 
CUT TO:

SAME CORNER OF BOAT DECK
BETWEEN TWO BOATS
 
Groucho and Zeppo see 
Chico coming down deck.
 
                        CHICO:          Did you see a fella 
                                        named Alky Briggs?

                        GROUCHO:        See him? Why we never 
                                        leave him for a minute.


                        ZEPPO:          We're his bodyguards.

                        CHICO:          We're looking for Joe 
                                        Farina. We're HIS 
                                        bodyguards. We never 
                                        leave him either. How 
                                        much do you fellows
                                        get?
 
                        ZEPPO:          We don't know yet.

                        CHICO:          It's not enough.

                        GROUCHO:        Take my advice, lay
                                        off of Briggs.  We're
                                        working for HIM but 
                                        we're going to try to 
                                        get a job working for 
                                        Farina, too.

                        CHICO:          Well, maybe we can get 
                                        a job with Briggs, too.

                        GROUCHO:        How can you work for 
                                        both sides the way we 
                                        do?

                        CHICO:          I got time on my day 
                                        off.  You see, I work 
                                        for Briggs all week 
                                        and get Farina.  Then 
                                        on Thursday, my day 
                                        off, I work for Farina 
                                        and get Briggs.
 
                        GROUCHO:        What if Briggs or 
                                        Farina are not there?

                        CHICO:          Then I get anybody 
                                        who's hanging around.

                        GROUCHO:        Suppose that I am 
                                        hanging around.

                        CHICO:          Well, if it is a week-
                                        day I'll get you.  If
                                        it's Thursday I'll 
                                        help you get me.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Fine, what do you say 
                                        we get you next 
                                        Thursday?
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo over by a row of 
a chairs.  He is fold-
ing one of them very
methodically, bears it 
over to edge of rail and 
drops it overboard, dusts 
his hands with satisfac-
tion and turns toward 
chairs again.
 
CUT TO:
 
Zeppo -- his eye struck 
on something off-screen.
 
LONG SHOT
 
Mary walking on upper
deck.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Zeppo as he starts for 
her.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo folding another 
deck chair, bearing it 
to edge of rail and drop-
ping it overboard.  He 
returns to deck chairs,
approaching stout old 
lady asleep in one of 
them.  He nudges her but
she does not move.  He
tickles her, pirouetting 
away and laughing as if 
he himself had been 
tickled.  No response. 
Puzzled, he stares at her, 
then takes alarm clock 
from pocket, sets it and 
lets it go off.  She 
rises sleepily.  He picks 
up deck chair, folds it, 
brushes it off, and drops 
it overboard.
 
Groucho approaches a 
small table.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Hey, you forgot this.

Harpo gone, Groucho 
shrugs shoulders, picks 
up table and throws it 
overboard.
 
Joe Farina, preoccupied, 
comes walking by, obvious-
ly looking for Mary. 
Groucho darts up to him 
buttonholing him, sales-
man fashion, puffing on 
cigar.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Just the man I was 
                                        looking for.  If I 
                                        could show you how to 
                                        save 20%, would you be 
                                        interested?  Of course, 
                                        you would.
                                                (Strides around 
                                                Farina like an 
                                                efficiency expert 
                                                who has turned 
                                                over a point.) 
                                        In the first place, 
                                        your overhead is too 
                                        high. Interested 
                                        already, aren't you? 
                                        Just wait till I get 
                                        finished.
 
                        JOE:                    (Attempting to 
                                                leave) 
                                        I ain't got time.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Now, look!  There are 
                                        two fellas trying 
                                        to attack you, aren't 
                                        there?
 
                        JOE:            Why --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Exactly.  You've got
                                        two bodyguards, haven't 
                                        you?  There you are. 
                                        50% waste.  Why can't 
                                        you be attacked by your
                                        own bodyguards?
 
                        JOE:            What're you gettin' at?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I anticipated that 
                                        question.  How does an
                                        army travel? On it's
                                        stomach. How do you 
                                        travel?  On a ship. 
                                        Of course, you're sav-
                                        ing your stomach.  Now,
                                        that same common sense 
                                        will save you --
 
                        JOE:            I don't think you --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Oh, I realize it's a
                                        penny here and a penny 
                                        there, but look at it
                                        from a woman's ankle... 
                                        What do you say?
 
                        JOE:            I'll tell you what I 
                                        say, I say --
 
                        GROUCHO:        I knew you'd see it. 
                                        I'm your new bodyguard. 
                                        In case I'm gonna 
                                        attack you, I'll have 
                                        to be there to defend 
                                        you, too. Let me know 
                                        when you want to be
                                        attacked and I'll be 
                                        there ten minutes later 
                                        to defend you. 
                                                (Laughs con-
                                                temptuously) 
                                        And you said you didn't 
                                        have time to talk to me.
 
FADE OUT.
 
FADE IN:

HURRICANE DECK - LONG SHOT
 
Zeppo is walking nervous-
ly and rapidly toward 
CAMERA, pausing to look 
over shoulder now and 
then.  Mary Farina, in 
smart sports clothes, 
steps out of companionway. 
Zeppo brushes into her, 
moves off, then turns 
back to apologize.
 
                        ZEPPO:          I'm terribly sorry. 
                                        Did I hurt you?

                        MARY:                   (Startled) 
                                        Why, no --

                        ZEPPO:          (Sheepishly) 
                                        You see, I was hurry-
                                        ing, and --
 
                        MARY:                   (Smiling) 
                                        So I noticed.
 
                        ZEPPO:          I -- do quite a lot 
                                        of hurrying -- 
                                                (Now trying to make 
                                                conversation) 
                                        I should have been more 
                                        careful.
 
                        MARY:           That's quite all right. 
                                                (Starts to walk 
                                                away)

                        ZEPPO:          (After her) 
                                        Aren't you going to 
                                        let me ... apologize?

                        MARY:           But you did apologize.

                        ZEPPO:          I did?

Zeppo keeps abreast of 
her, CAMERA TRUCKING with 
both of them.  Unseen by 
her he takes his handker-
chief from breast pocket 
and drops it behind her. 
He halts her by touching 
her arm.
 
                        ZEPPO:          Pardon me, is this 
                                        yours?

Mary looks down at obvious
man's handkerchief on deck.
 
                        MARY:           Why, no.
                                                (She suppresses 
                                                a smile)

While Zeppo is picking
up his handkerchief, she
drops hers in front of 
her.
 
                        MARY:                   (Pointing to 
                                                handkerchief) 
                                        Is this yours?

                        ZEPPO:                  (with understanding 
                                                look)
                                        Yes, it is.

He picks it up and folds 
it, carefully pressing 
it in his breast pocket. 
They glance at each other 
mischievously as we

FADE OUT.
 
                END OF SEQUENCE "G"


                SEQUENCE "H"

FADE IN:
 
EXTERIOR - LONG SHOT -
 
Of liner already in 
quarantine.  The morning 
mist is lifting. Passen-
gers at rail, perhaps 
the Statue of Liberty 
seen dimly in the dis-
tance, and general 
activity previous to 
landing.
 
QUICK SHOT down the 
side of the steamer 
showing the immigration 
tender already lashed 
to gangplank.
 
CUT TO:
 
EXT. SHOT OF FORWARD
DECK
 
Gibson is talking to a 
group of passengers.

                        GIBSON:         Have your landing 
                                        cards and passports
                                        ready.  Remember, you
                                        can't get off the 
                                        boat without them.
 
CUT TO:
 
FORWARD DECK
 
Showing cameramen and 
reporters coming off 
gangplank.  Buzz of 
conversation.
 
(The dialogue at this 
point is rapid and 
fused into journalistic 
shop talk)
 
                        FIRST
                        REPORTER:       That's ambassador --
                                        what's his name? 
                                        He's on the boat. We 
                                        gotta get a good 
                                        picture of him.
 
                        SECOND 
                        REPORTER:       Hey, Fred, the boss is 
                                        hot on that foreign 
                                        loan stuff.  Let's get 
                                        him first.
 
                        THIRD 
                        REPORTER:       Hey, boys, where's the 
                                        opera dame?
 
                        FOURTH 
                        REPORTER:       Oh, take it easy.  We 
                                        got time.

CUT TO:

Point down on outside 
deck where dignified 
opera dame, diplomat 
and financier are sur-
rounded by the press
who are firing questions 
at them.
 
(The questions and 
answers are spoken al-
most simultaneously)
 
                        FIRST
                        REPORTER:               (To opera singer) 
                                        But can we quote you, 
                                        Madame?

                        OPERA
                        SINGER:                 (In broken 
                                                English -
                                                French accent) 
                                        Ah, non. What would 
                                        my manager say?
 
                                                (Groucho butts 
                                                in between 
                                                reporters)
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'd like to ask you a
                                        few insulting ques-
                                        tions!  Do you think
                                        the Atlantic Ocean is 
                                        here to stay?  Did you 
                                        know that King Solomon's 
                                        temple was on the side
                                        of his head?  What is
                                        it that has eight legs 
                                        and gives more milk 
                                        than a cow?  Two cows.

The third reporter 
signals to cameraman, 
a few feet away.

                        SECOND 
                        REPORTER:       O.K., Joe.
 
CUT TO:

Cameraman who nods and 
squeezes bulb in his 
hand. A loud honk-honk, 
and the camera straight-
ens up revealing Harpo 
and no camera.
 
(The apparent camera 
cloth was his own cape, 
and the bulb the head 
of his cane)
 
Rolling his eyes, he 
drifts from the pic-
ture.
  
CUT TO:
 
A photographer on the 
verge of snapping pic-
ture of the diplomat. 
Chico darts up to 
diplomat, seizing his 
hand and shaking it 
vigorously.
 
                        CHICO:          Hello, hello.  Are you 
                                        working now?

                        DIPLOMAT:               (Bewildered) 
                                        Of course I am. I'm --

                        CHICO:          Where did you get the 
                                        job?  Maybe they got 
                                        one for my grandpa. 
                                        He's just about your 
                                        size and he ain't 
                                        smart either.
 
                        DIPLOMAT:       Why, you --
 
                        CHICO:          Poor old fella.  He 
                                        ain't lifted a hand in 
                                        28 years except to 
                                        take a poke at my
                                        grandma.  You can't
                                        make any money that 
                                        way.
 
Chico has been holding 
the diplomat's hand 
throughout this.  He 
immediately starts arm 
wrestling with diplomat.
 

                        CHICO:          You lost that one. 
                                        This time for money, 
                                        eh, Serge?
 
They tug at each other's 
arms again.   CUT in 
Harpo as he seizes the 
diplomat's other arm and 
begins same procedure.

CUT TO:
 
CLOSE SHOT -
 
Of opera singer ready 
to pose for her picture. 
Groucho jumps out from 
behind her, encircling 
her waist.
  
                        GROUCHO:        And you can say it 
                                        was a pure love match. 
                                        We married for money, 
                                        eh, my shrinking 
                                        violet?  Say, it 
                                        wouldn't hurt you to 
                                        shrink thirty pounds.
 
                        OPERA 
                        SINGER:                 (Struggling to 
                                                get free) 
                                        You -- you impudent --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Charming little 
                                        monster, isn't she? 
                                        But as gentle as a 
                                        mouse.  And we're go-
                                        ing to be quite happy, 
                                        aren't we Miss -- 
                                        Miss --
 
                        OPERA
                        SINGER:         I'll report you to 
                                        your paper for this!
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'll thank you to 
                                        let me do the report-
                                        ing. Come clean now! 
                                        Is it true you are 
                                        getting a Paris 
                                        divorce as soon as 
                                        your husband recovers
                                        his eye-sight?  Is
                                        it true you broke a 
                                        light for every heart 
                                        on Broadway?  Is it 
                                        true you wash your 
                                        hair in clam broth? 
                                        Is it true you used 
                                        to dance in a flea 
                                        circus?
                                                (Contemptuously) 
                                        You playboy you! 
                                        No, don't touch me!
 
                        OPERA
                        SINGER:         This is an outrage! 
                                        If you don't stop, 
                                        I'll call the Captain.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Oh, so that's it. 
                                        Infatuated with a 
                                        pretty uniform, white 
                                        pants and a jaunty 
                                        cap.  Huh!  We don't 
                                        count after we've 
                                        given you the best 
                                        years of our lives, 
                                        do we?  You have to 
                                        have an officer.
 
                        OPERA
                        SINGER:         I don't like this 
                                        innuendo.

                        GROUCHO:        That's what I always 
                                        say.  Love flies out 
                                        the door when money 
                                        comes innuendo.
 
CUT TO:
  
EXTERIOR DECK -
CLOSE SHOT -
 
Of Zeppo and Mary lean-
ing over rails, talking.
 
                        MARY:           You're awfully glum.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Despondently) 
                                        I was just thinking 
                                        after the boat lands 
                                        I may never see you 
                                        again.

                        MARY:           Does it matter to you 
                                        whether you ever see 
                                        me again?

                        ZEPPO:          I can't think of any-
                                        thing in the world 
                                        that matters more.

                        MARY:           You say nice things. 
                                        I like you.

CUT TO:
 
LONG SHOT - FIRST-CLASS 
SALON
 
A long line of people 
is filing very slowly 
past two tables at 
which are seated Immi-
gration Officials 
examining the passports. 
Chico crowds in at the 
head of the line.
 
                        LITTLE 
                        MAN:                    (Indignantly) 
                                        What's going on here?
 
                        CHICO:          I think they're giving 
                                        away samples.
 
CUT TO:

The inspectors table, at 
which Zeppo appears.
 
                        INSPECTOR:              (Looks up from his 
                                                work - to Zeppo) 
                                        Where's your passport?

                        ZEPPO:                  (Fishes paper out 
                                                of his pocket, 
                                                hands it to In-
                                                spector, points 
                                                to it) 
                                        That's my name.


CLOSE UP
 
Of Inspector's hands hold-
ing passport, on which is 
a photo of Maurice 
Chevalier.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Maurice Chevalier, eh! 
                                        This doesn't look like 
                                        you.
 
                        ZEPPO:          Sure, I'm Maurice 
                                        Chevalier.  I'll sing 
                                        for you.
                                                (He sings) 
                                        If the Nightingale 
                                        could sing like you, etc.
 
                        INSPECTOR:              (Breaking him off 
                                                short) 
                                        Get out of here, you. 
                                                (Throws Zeppo out 
                                                of scene)

CUT TO:
 
Line as passengers move 
up to table.  Chico 
crowds into line.

                        PASSENGER:              (To Chico) 
                                        Go to the end of the 
                                        line!

Chico, taking the sugges-
tion, moves to the head 
of the line, pushing in 
front of the opera dame.
 
                        OPERA DAME:     How dare you! 

                        INSPECTOR:      Passport.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Hands passport to 
                                                inspector)
                                        That's me.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      It doesn't look like 
                        you.
 
                        CHICO:          I don't look like me 
                                        from the front -- look 
                                        at the side.
                                                (Turning the pass-
                                                port in the In-
                                                spector's hand)
 
                        INSPECTOR:      You're not Maurice 
                                        Chevalier.
                                                (Hands back pass-
                                                port)
 
                        CHICO:          Sure, I am. Just 
                                        because I don't look 
                                        like Maurice Chevalier 
                                        you say I'm not Maurice 
                                        Chevalier! All right, 
                                        I'll sing for you!
                                                (sings)
                                        If the Nightingale 
                                        could sing like you, 
                                        etc.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Get out of here, you! 
                                                (Throws Chico out 
                                                of the scene)

CUT TO:
 
Groucho coming up to 
the table.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Passport.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Handing passport) 
                                        Maurice Chevalier is 
                                        the name.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Well this picture 
                                        doesn't look like 
                                        you.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I know it.  All my
                                        friends say I take
                                        a very good picture.

                        INSPECTOR:      Look at that face. 
                                                (Hands passport
                                                back)

                        GROUCHO:        Look at that face, I 
                                        dare you.
                                                (Indicating Opera 
                                                Dame)
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Look here, you, iden-
                                        tify yourself.

                        GROUCHO:                (Sings) 
                                        If the Nightingale 
                                        could sing like you, 
                                        etc.

Groucho parades out 
in front of the line 
during song, catches 
sight of guard and
immediately disappears.
 
PAN TO line showing 
Harpo, who has crowded 
in ahead of the other 
passengers.

                        INSPECTOR:      Passport!

Harpo hands him a 
piece of pasteboard.

                        INSPECTOR:      I didn't say paste-
                                        board - I said passport.

Harpo hands him a pass-
port.
 
CLOSE UP
 
Of Inspector's hands 
holding passport.  The 
photo on it is that of 
a Chinaman.  The name 
under it signed: 
Charlie Hipsing.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
FIRST CLASS SALON
 
                        INSPECTOR:      So you're Charlie 
                                        Hipsing.

Harpo makes a face 
like a chinaman.   Harpo 
attempts to look like 
a chinaman.  Standing 
beside him is a man 
with a little girl
in  his arms.  The
girl's hair hangs in 
a long pigtail.
Harpo makes a cue out 
of the girl's hair to 
complete his disguise. 
Inspector throws pass-
port down.
 
                        INSPECTOR:      Get out of here!

Harpo produces another 
passport.
 
CLOSE UP
 
Of the Inspector's 
hands, showing this
passport.  The photo
is that of a bearded 
Russian - the name 
signed to it is 
Alexia Valeska.
 
                        INSPECTOR:              (Reads the name) 
                                        Alexia Valeska.

CUT BACK TO:
 
FIRST CLASS SALON

Harpo, in the mean-
time, has acquired a 
beard similar to the 
one shown in the 
photograph.
 
                        INSPECTOR:              (Snatching beard 
                                                from Harpo's 
                                                face) 
                                        Well, at least, 
                                        you didn't say you 
                                        were Maurice Chevalier.

Harpo hands him another 
passport, starts to
whistle:  "If the Night-
ingale could sing like 
you, etc,"
 
The Inspector explodes 
at this and throws 
Harpo out.
 

LONG SHOT 

Ship docking.
 

LONG SHOT
 
Side of ship at dock. 
A long rope ladder, 
reaching from top deck 
to dock, swings down 
the ship side.
 
The Marxes appear on a 
lower deck at spot where
ladder passes.  They
scramble over the deck 
rail onto the ladder 
and scurry like monkeys
to the bottom.  They
are about to put foot 
on the dock.
 
CUT TO:
 

A winch on upper deck.
 
Officer, standing by, 
gives a signal and the 
winch begins to wind up 
rope which extends off-
scene.

CUT TO:
 
 
Marxes on rope ladder. 
The ladder is rapidly 
pulled up ship's side, 
as Marxes attempt to 
climb down.  They make 
no progress as they de-
scend the ascending 
ladder.  They bunch 
up at the end of the 
ladder and are hoisted 
up on deck.
 
CUT TO:
 
SHOT ON deck as the appear-
ance of the Marxes sur-
prises the crew.  The 
Marxes rush down the com-
panion way to deck below 
as some members of the 
crew give chase.
 
CUT TO:
 
Large porthole on ship's 
side.
 
The Marxes open glass and 
look down to water.
 
CUT TO:
 

DECK RAIL
 
Four deckhands are put-
ting luggage on a chute 
that extends from the 
boat to the dock.
 
The four Marxes barge into 
the scene and begin to 
help them, putting suit-
cases and bags on the 
chute.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Takes a woman's 
                                                hatbox from deck) 
                                        Be careful the way 
                                        you handle my hatbox!

 
                        CHICO:                  (To another deck-
                                                hand)
                                        I help you, eh?  We'll 
                                        smash 'em.
                                                (Throws the suit-
                                                case down the 
                                                chute)
 
Harpo is throwing other 
bags down the chute.

                        ZEPPO:                  (To another deck-
                                                hand, who is care-
                                                lessly tossing 
                                                luggage down the 
                                                chute) 
                                        I'll report you to the 
                                        captain.
 
                        DECKHAND:       Oh, you will, will ya? 
                                        Fresh guy, eh?
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Edging in) 
                                        Cut that out!

                        CHICO:                  (To ugly looking 
                                                deckhand) 
                                        Who are you anyway?

                        DECKHAND:       Shut up or we'll mow 
                                        you down.
 
                        ZEPPO:          Is that so!

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, you want to fight!

                        DECKHAND:               (Pushing Groucho) 
                                        Give me any more of 
                                        your lip and I'll 
                                        smear ya.

                        CHICO:          What's the matter?
 
                        DECKHAND:       He insulted me 
                                        didn't he, boys? 
                                                (To others) 
                                        Let's clean 'em up.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Don't trifle with me. 
                                        I have a hot Southern 
                                        temper.

                        CHICO:          We can lick you guys -- 
                                        for money.
                                                (Putting hand 
                                                in pocket) 
                                        Put up your money.

                        DECKHAND:       You're on!
 
                        GROUCHO:        All right, take off 
                                        your coats.

Deckhands peel off their 
coats and hats as Harpo 
collects them.  As they 
square off to fight 
Groucho gets an idea.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Wait a minute - let's 
                                        fight in the shade.

Groucho points to another 
part of the ship and the 
deckhands, eager for 
battle, lead the way to 
the new battleground. 
The Marxes remain in their 
tracks and hurriedly get 
into the deckhands 
clothes.
 
CUT TO:
 

Another part of deck.
 
SHOT OF deckhands look-
ing dumbly around for 
the four men who 
challenged them to 
battle.
 
CUT TO:
 
SHOT AT gangplank as the 
Marxes try to saunter 
off the boat.  They are 
halted by an officer.
 
                        OFFICER:        Hey, you mugs, take 
                                        off your hats and 
                                        coats and come below, 
                                        and scrub decks.

The Marxes are forced to 
peel off the stolen coats. 
They have their own coats 
on underneath.
 
CUT TO:
 

DECK SCENE AT GANGPLANK
 
Passengers are going down 
the gangplank.  In the 
crowd on deck at the head 
of gangplank is a very
fat gentleman.  He rudely
pushes his way forward, 
jostling women.  Gibson 
enters scene, takes fat 
gentleman by arm.
 
                        GIBSON:         Take your time. 
                                        Ladies first.

                        FAT MAN:        I'm in a hurry.

                        GIBSON:                 (Holding him back) 
                                        Take your time.

                        FAT MAN:        Let me off the boat. 
                                        I'm a sick man.  I 
                                        feel faint.

                        GIBSON:         Stand back in line.

                        FAT MAN:        I tell you, I feel 
                                        faint.  I'm going 
                                        to faint.
                                                (He faints and 
                                                falls on deck)

                        GIBSON:                 (As passengers 
                                                become excited) 
                                        Stand back!  Stand 
                                        back!  Give him air!
 
CUT TO:
 

LONG SHOT of crowd, in 
great confusion, milling 
around the fat man, who 
reclines on deck.  Cries 
and gesticulations. 
Other passengers scurry 
into scene, impelled by 
curiosity, until nothing 
can be seen except backs 
of the crowd.  Two deck-
hands carrying stretcher 
worm their way into the 
middle of the melee.

CUT TO:


HEAD OF GANGPLANK

Gibson is clearing a 
passageway for the 
stretcher-bearers.

                        GIBSON:         Make way below there.

Deckhand, holding one 
end of stretcher, just 
going out of scene.
 
CUT TO:
 
 
LONG SHOT - OF GANGPLANK
 
The head and shoulders 
of the two deckhands 
carrying stretcher are 
visible above the canvas 
sides of the gangplank.
 
CUT TO:
 

DOCK
 
The deckhands carrying 
stretcher containing 
blanketed figure into 
the crowd, from foot of 
gangplank.  Suddenly 
four heads appear from 
under blanket at op-
posite ends of the 
stretcher.  They are 
the Marxes, with faces 
smiling in triumph.  All 
four sing the Chevalier 
song, with gestures of 
derision towards the 
boat.
 
 
FADE OUT


                END OF SEQUENCE "H"


                SEQUENCE "J"
 
FADE IN
 
on LONG SHOT of Joe Far-
ina's house.
 
CUT TO:
 
CLOSER SHOT
 
Showing Joe surrounded 
by admiring townspeople, 
bathing beauties and the 
Marx brothers.  Joe 
raises his hand for 
silence.

                        JOE:            My friends --
                                                (Applause) 
                                        My friends --
 
                        AD LIB:         Atta boy, Joe.
 
                                        Speech!
 
CUT TO:
 
Bathing beauties standing 
massed on the steps above 
and behind Farina. Harpo 
and Chico cone into pic-
ture.  Miss Clean Living 
a hefty and seedy wench, 
ogles them.  With one ac-
cord, they dart for the 
other five who rush into 
the house.  Miss Clean 
Living pursues Harpo and 
Chico.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Joe and Groucho:
 
                        JOE:            My friends.  I ain't 
                                        much on speech making. 
                                        In fact, this is the 
                                        first speech I ever 
                                        made in my life --
 
                        GROUCHO:        And by all odds the
                                        worst I ever heard. 
                                        And with that thought, 
                                        ladies and gentlemen, 
                                        I leave you.

                        JOE:                    (interrupting)
                                        Listen  you --

                        GROUCHO:                (Turning to Joe) 
                                        That's what a fearless 
                                        speaker has to face -- 
                                        heckling, trying to
                                        heckle me.
                                                (Turning to audience) 
                                        And you giving me the 
                                        berries --
                                                (Dauntlessly) 
                                        But you forget that I 
                                        was raised on heckle-
                                        berries.
 
CUT TO:
 
Doorway of house.  A 
shriek echoes from with-
in as Harpo and Chico
reappear.  Chico is wear-
ing the bathing suit and 
banner of Miss Clean Liv-
ing. Harpo wears bath-
ing suit and banner of 
Miss Virtue, carrying 
other banners in his 
hand.
 
Chico approaches Joe.
 
                        CHICO:          Nice house, but you're 
                                        burning too much coal.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Just what I was getting 
                                        at, burning too much 
                                        coal.
                                                (Produces a piece of 
                                                coal from inside of 
                                                his jacket) 
                                                (Confidingly) 
                                        Now here's the coal that 
                                        don't burn at all.  No 
                                        trouble with ashes, no 
                                        lame backs from shovel-
                                        ing, lasts a life time, 
                                        and best of all there's 
                                        no heat.
 
                        JOE:            Save your time, kid. 
                                        We don't burn coal, 
                                        we use oil.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Drawing small can 
                                                of oil from inside 
                                                pocket) 
                                        Well, here's just the 
                                        oil you need.
 
Chico begins oiling Far-
ina's joints, placing a 
few drops on his elbows 
while he moves his arm 
and then his knee, taking 
up Farina's foot and 
lowering it, as though 
it were a piece of 
machinery.  Farina 
takes a swing at Chico.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I don't blame you.... 
                                        Now here's an oil that's 
                                        right up your alley --
                                        and that's where I got 
                                        it from.  It's a perfect 
                                        snake oil.  A drop of 
                                        this on your hair and 
                                        you won't have a snake 
                                        in the house -- except 
                                        maybe you.
 
                        CHICO:          Say, maybe you got a job 
                                        for my grandpa?

                        JOE:            What does your grandpa 
                                        do?
 
                        CHICO:          He ain't doing anything 
                                        now, but if you give him 
                                        a job he won't do any-
                                        thing either. That's 
                                        why he got fired from 
                                        his last place.
 
CUT TO:
 

A hotel room.  Alky Briggs
is seated on edge of bed
talking into telephone,
brusquely.
 
                        BRIGGS:         No, no, don't worry 
                                        about that.  I tell you
                                        everything is set.  Never 
                                        mind the inside of the 
                                        house --

CUT TO:
 

Telephone booth in drug 
store.  A tough mug is 
talking into 'phone.
 
                        MUG:            They're in da house -- 
                                        these four guys?  Say, 
                                        they must be pretty 
                                        tough babies, Alky.

CUT BACK TO:
 
Briggs.

                        BRIGGS:         The inside's covered, 
                                        see?  They're giving a 
                                        reception tomorrow night 
                                        for Farina's kid. That's 
                                        where we come in. You 
                                        take Terry and Al and 
                                        get into the grounds -- 
                                        get me?

CUT BACK TO: 


Mug in booth.
 
                        MUG:                    (Shakes head knowing-
                                                ly) 
                                        Oke, boss. I got you.

Mug hangs up receiver and
exits from booth.  He 
nods to two other mugs.
 
                        ONE OF 
                        MUGS:           What'd he say, Butch? 

                        BUTCH:          It's all set.
 
FADE OUT
 
 
                        END OF SEQUENCE "J"
 

                        SEQUENCE "K"

FADE IN:
 
INT. JOE FARINA'S DEN  -
DOORWAY - MEDIUM SHOT
 
Joe enters with Harpo, 
Chico and Groucho follow-
ing.

                        JOE:            Right in here.

Joe sinks into his chair
behind desk.  The three
dispose themselves com-
fortably over front of 
desk almost in his lap.
 
                        JOE:             Smoke?
 
Joe takes a box of cigars 
from drawer which he 
places on desk, left of 
Harpo.  Everyone helps 
himself liberally. Harpo 
sharpens his cigars in 
pencil sharpener, clamped 
to desk, then taking 
large, fancy pencil from 
desk, puts it in mouth, 
lights it and puffs fra-
grant cloud of smoke with 
satisfied expression.
 
CUT TO:
 
Joe whose brow is puckered 
in meditation.

                        GROUCHO:        Well, lets get down to
                                        cases.
 
                        CHICO:          Naw, it's too early. 
                                        Case's place ain't open. 
                                        We go to Tony's.

                        JOE:                    (Deliberately) 
                                        You fellas know what to 
                                        expect.  Briggs is down 
                                        here with his gang.
                                        Trouble's gonna pop.
 
                        CHICO:          Say, what about my
                                        grandpop?  How about
                                        giving him a job trim-
                                        ming the hedges?

                        JOE:            What hedges?


                        CHICO:          The hedges of his beard.

                        JOE:            We'll talk about that 
                                        later.

Groucho deposits ashes 
in desk drawer.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Come, come, Farina. 
                                        That's no way to treat 
                                        a fine old half-wit 
                                        like his granny.  I 
                                        loved that man, I tell 
                                        you.  He's fine all 
                                        through.
 
                        CHICO:          He's all through? 
                                        That's fine.  I hate
                                        the old buffalo. He's 
                                        a dirty feeder.
 
                        JOE:            Briggs knows I'm giving 
                                        a reception for my 
                                        daughter tomorrow night, 
                                        an' I think that's when 
                                        the blow-off's comin'. 
                                        But we're gonna be ready 
                                        for 'em. Listen, you
                                        two guys -- 
                                                (Indicates Chico 
                                                and Harpo) 
                                        -- are gonna watch the 
                                        house and grounds.

Harpo and Chico have 
improvised a checker game 
on the squared-off design 
on Joe's cork-top desk. 
For checkers they are using 
inkwell, match box, paper 
weight, etc.  Also Joe's 
watch, which is lying on 
one of the squares.
 
At the moment of play, 
Harpo is jumping Joe's 
watch with a bottle of
paste and pocketing watch.
 
                        CHICO:          We play some more, eh?

Harpo nods, smiling. Harpo 
takes wrist-watch from
Joe's hand and replaces 
the watch he has just lost. 
Chico, nothing loath, 
takes the stick-pin from 
Joe's tie, jumps the wrist-
watch, pocketing both.
 
                        JOE:                    (With rising voice) 
                                        Now blow, you guys.

Harpo distends his cheeks 
and blows, and the two 
boys exit.
  
                        GROUCHO:                (Coyly) 
                                        You haven't forgotten 
                                        me, have you?

                        JOE:            I got a real job for 
                                        you.  I got a tip that 
                                        Briggs and some of his 
                                        mob are over at the
                                        Union Hotel.  Get down
                                        there, take a room and 
                                        see what you can find 
                                        out.  I'd like to know 
                                        what they think they're 
                                        gonna pull off tomorrow
                                        night.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Patting Joe on 
                                                the back) 
                                        J. F., I ain't much on 
                                        flowery sentiments, but 
                                        there's somethin' I
                                        just gotta tell you. 
                                        Shucks, man, I'd be 
                                        nuthin' but a pizenous 
                                        varmint and not fitten 
                                        to touch the hem of 
                                        your skirt, if I didn't 
                                        tell you:  You've 
                                        treated me square --
                                        mighty square, an' I 
                                        ain't fergettin'. 
                                                (Puts left hand 
                                                vigorously on 
                                                Joe's left shoul-
                                                der, seizes his 
                                                right hand, firmly 
                                                strides out of
                                                room)
 
FADE OUT.
 
 
                        END OF SEQUENCE "K"
 

                        SEQUENCE "L"

MEDIUM SHOT

FRONT OF UNION HOTEL
 
A taxicab draws up in 
front.  Groucho stoops 
out of cab, an inverness 
cape and a crush top hat
on his head.  He turns
to cab driver.
 
                        GROUCHO:        How much is it?

                        DRIVER:         $1.10.

Groucho hands him a 
dollar and waves with
a lordly gesture.

                        GROUCHO:        That's all right, 
                                        keep the change.

                        DRIVER:         You only gave me a 
                                        dollar.  I said a 
                                        dollar ten.
 
                        GROUCHO:        That's all right. 
                                        Then I'll keep the 
                                        change.

Groucho exits into 
hotel.
 
CUT TO:
 

Desk as Groucho ap-
proaches.  The general 
air or lobby denotes a
second rate hotel.  The
clerk, flashy, flower in 
buttonhole, general 
dancehall gigolo type, 
springs to attention, 
proffering a pen to 
Groucho.  Groucho writes 
his name -- peers at his 
own signature.
  
                        GROUCHO:        Is that spelled right?

                        CLERK:          How should I know? 
                                        I never saw your name 
                                        before.

                        GROUCHO:        And you call yourself 
                                        a clerk?  I've got a 
                                        kid ten years old can 
                                        spell my name.
 
                        CLERK:          I can't rent you a 
                                        room without baggage.

                        GROUCHO:        Never mind the room, 
                                        just rent me some 
                                        baggage.
 
DISSOLVE TO:
 
MEDIUM SHOT
  
Of corridor.  A bellboy,
followed by Groucho who 
is carrying two heavy 
suitcases, appears.

                        BELLBOY:        Do you want your 
                                        windows opened?

                        GROUCHO:        No, I'll go down 
                                        in the elevator.

                        BELLBOY:        Right in here, sir.

Bellboy enters room, 
raising windows, etc. 
Groucho steps into 
adjoining room, clos-
ing door
 
There is a knock on 
door.  Bellboy puts 
his head in.
 
                        BELLBOY:        Pardon sir, the clerk 
                                        said you were to be in 
                                        this room.

                        GROUCHO:        Tell the clerk to 
                                        keep his nose out 
                                        of my room.

Groucho takes out a 
dollar bill.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Where's Alky Briggs' 
                                        room?

                        BELLBOY:                (Eyes widening) 
                                        Right above yours.

                        GROUCHO:        See this?
                                                (Holds up bill)
                                        Come up tomorrow 
                                        morning and you can 
                                        have another look at 
                                        it.
 
Bellboy disgustedly 
withdraws, closing door. 
Groucho crosses room 
rapidly, raises window, 
stepping out on fire 
escape.  He ascends fire 
escape.
 
SHORT SHOT
 
Through window which 
Groucho is approaching, 
showing Alky Briggs' 
back to window.  Groucho 
enters the room.
 
                        BRIGGS:         I thought I sent you 
                                        over to Farina to 
                                        watch the house.
 
                        GROUCHO:        They wouldn't let me 
                                        in.  I didn't have 
                                        any baggage.

                        BRIGGS:         What's the idea comin' 
                                        in thru the window?

                        GROUCHO:        Farina's house is 
                                        being watched and I'm 
                                        not taking any chances.

                        BRIGGS:         Well, I'm glad you're 
                                        here.

                        GROUCHO:        You're easily amused.

                        BRIGGS:         Now, here's the lay-
                                        out --
 
                        GROUCHO:        Enough of this. 
                                        Where's your wife?

                        BRIGGS:         Lucille? 

                        GROUCHO:        Yes, Lucille!  I'm 
                                        not good enough for 
                                        her, am I?

                        BRIGGS:         Listen to me!  Farina 
                                        is throwing a party 
                                        tonight and I want --

The door opens and 
Spike, Shorty and Butch 
enter, sheepishly drag-
ging their feet.  Briggs 
turns on them.
 
                        BRIGGS:         Well?

                        SPIKE:          We couldn't get in.

                        GROUCHO:        See?  No baggage.

Groucho turns toward 
window.  Briggs motions 
the three guys over to 
him.
 
                        BRIGGS:         Fine mugs you are! 
                                        Couldn't crash into 
                                        that fathead's house.
 
                                                (They start to 
                                                explain)

                        BRIGGS:                 (Stops them 
                                                impatiently) 
                                        Aw, never mind the 
                                        alibis -- but get this! 
                                        We'll get in tonight 
                                        because I'm goin' with 
                                        you.  I'll show that 
                                        big tub of fat who's 
                                        the big shot around here. 
                                        We're gonna get the girl 
                                        and take her to the 
                                        warehouse.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Warehouse!  A fine 
                                        bunch of cheap sports 
                                        you are. With all 
                                        the good shows in 
                                        town, you take a girl 
                                        to a warehouse.

Spike, Shorty and Butch 
turn to leave. Briggs 
stops them, turning 
again.
   
                        BRIGGS:         Wait a minute. You 
                                        guys go down to Joe's 
                                        hockshop and get some 
                                        tuxedos and saxo-
                                        phones.

                        BUTCH:          Saxophones?

                        BRIGGS:         Yeh.  You fellas are 
                                        gonna crash in as
                                        musicians.  Get me? 
                                        I took care of the 
                                        fella who owns the
                                        band.

                        SHORTY:         Oke, boss.  We'll 
                                        blow Farina to a good 
                                        time tonight.

They exit as Groucho 
crosses room, picks up 
bags and puts one foot 
out of window.

                        BRIGGS:         Where you going?

                        GROUCHO:        Sorry, but the chil-
                                        dren will be home from 
                                        school at three, and I 
                                        gotta warm up my hus-
                                        band for dinner. 
                                                (He exits)
 
CUT TO:

Window of Groucho's room 
as he enters, dropping 
his bags and jumping to 
telephone.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Into phone) 
                                        Give me Backfire 4732 
                                        - Party J ... 
                                                (Hums "The Skies 
                                                Will All Be 
                                                Blue," etc.) 
                                        Is this Backfire 4732 
                                        - Party J? ... 
                                        Mamoulian on the wire 
                                        ... Give me Joe 
                                        Farina ... Yes, yes. 
                                        A short fat fella 
                                        without an overcoat.
 
CUT TO:
 
A dignified old gentle-
man, at other end of
phone.
 
                        GENTLEMAN:      This is Backfire 4732 
                                        - Party J, but 
                                        there's no Farina 
                                        living here.  You 
                                        must have the wrong 
                                        number.

CUT TO:

Groucho; 

                        GROUCHO:        No, it's the right 
                                        number all right --
                                        you must be in the 
                                        wrong house.... I 
                                        don't care how long 
                                        you've lived there, 
                                        you're still in the 
                                        wrong house.  You 
                                        better get out of 
                                        there before I send 
                                        for the police ...
                                                (Jiggles hook) 
                                        Operator, operator ... 
                                        Backfire --

The door opens gently 
and Alky Briggs stands 
in doorway, listening 
intently.
 
                        GROUCHO:        ...  Is this Farina? 
                                        ... Mamoulian on the 
                                        wire.  Yeh, yeh --
                                                (Sings) 
                                        'The Spanish castle 
                                          I build in my mind, 
                                        Will be a love nest, 
                                          a practical kind. 
                                        The skies will all 
                                          be blue, 
                                        When my dreams come 
                                          true.'
 
                                        Yeh, yeh ... O.K. 
                                        Farina.
                                                (Hangs up.)
 
                        BRIGGS:         Hey, what're you 
                                        calling Farina for? 
                                        If I thought you 
                                        were working for that
                                        big --
 
                        GROUCHO:        I'm not working for
                                        anybody. I'm in 
                                        business for myself.

                        BRIGGS:         What did you say to 
                                        Farina?

                        GROUCHO:        I tell you I can't tell
                                        you now.  You must 
                                        trust me.  You must
                                        have faith in me.  I'll 
                                        tell you sometime when 
                                        you're not here.
  
                        BRIGGS:         O.K., but remember,
                                        I'll be watching you 
                                        tonight.
                                                (He exits)
 
Groucho picks up suit-
cases, exits thru win-
dow and up fire escape.
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho entering window 
of Briggs' room.  He 
drops suitcases, jumping 
to phone.
 
CUT TO:
 
Briggs walking down 
corridor toward his room.
 
MEDIUM SHOT
 
Over Briggs' shoulders, 
showing Groucho seated 
at phone.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Listen, Joe --

                        BRIGGS:         Trickey, eh?  What're 
                                        you doin' with that
                                        phone?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I was trying to get 
                                        hold of you, but now 
                                        that you're here it
                                        can wait.
 
Groucho slips receiver 
into pants' pocket.
 
Groucho tips his hat, 
picks up bags and exits 
thru door.  A bellboy is 
just going down the hall.
Groucho falls in behind 
him and walks after boy.
 
CUT TO:
 
LOBBY
 
Groucho is exiting thru 
main door of hotel, the
boy in front of him.  A 
cab is waiting.  The
driver jumps out, opens 
door, standing at atten-
tion.  The bellboy enters
cab and the driver starts 
off, leaving Groucho on 
the sidewalk with his bags.
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho walking off in 
opposite direction, 
carrying bags.
 
                        GROUCHO:        America's getting 
                                        soft, anyhow. Too 
                                        many people riding 
                                        around in automobiles.
 

                        END OF SEQUENCE "L"
 

                        SEQUENCE "M"

In front of the gate to 
the rear entrance of Joe 
Farina's estate -- about 
two yards outside of the
gate.  The gate is open.
 
                        FARINA:         I don't want none of 
                                        Alky Briggs' crew 
                                        comin' into this party 
                                        and makin' trouble, 
                                        see?  I want you guys 
                                        to guard this gate and 
                                        see that nobody comes 
                                        in, savvy?  Nobody! 
                                        The people that's in-
                                        vited has gotta come 
                                        by the front door and 
                                        show their invitations.
 
                        CHICO:          We take care, boss. 
                                        Nobody is-a gonna get 
                                        past us.

                        FARINA:         That's the spirit. 
                                        I'll see youse later.

Farina starts to go in-
side of gate.  Harpo 
blocks his way, refusing 
to let him pass.
 
                        FARINA:                 (angrily) 
                                        What's the matter with 
                                        you?

                        CHICO:          Ha, ha.  You said no-
                                        body's gonna go in and 
                                        he thinks you're no-
                                        body.
                                                (To Harpo - waving
                                                hand assuringly) 
                                        Pst!  He's all right, 
                                        partner, let him go in.
 
Harpo withdraws slowly, 
his face still retaining 
an expression of doubt.
 
                        FARINA:         I wish I can depend 
                                        upon you guys continu-
                                        ing that kind of work.

Farina exits.
 
                        CHICO:          Well, partner, maybe 
                                        we oughta go lookin' 
                                        for people that are 
                                        tryin' to come in, eh? 
                                        I tink I go this way -- 
                                                (Points to left) 
                                        -- and you go that way, 
                                        all right?
 
                        HARPO:          (Nods)
 
Spike, a tough looking 
yegg, comes up to gate 
and attempts to walk in, 
Chico and Harpo both jump 
in his way.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Officiously) 
                                        Stop!  Where you go?

                        SPIKE:                  (Somewhat smoothly) 
                                        I just wanna -- go in 
                                        and talk to Joe Farina. 
                                        Me and him is pals.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Suspiciously) 
                                        Well, whatever Farina 
                                        says, that goes for us, 
                                        too -- so you better 
                                        talk to us.  Whata you 
                                        want?
 
                        SPIKE:                  (attempting to 
                                                force way) 
                                        I gotta see Farina, I 
                                        tell you.

                        CHICO:          Hey, wait a minnit. 
                                        Nobody can go inside 
                                        this gate, see?

Chico and Harpo start 
pushing him back with 
short jerky shoves.
 
                        SPIKE:          I tell you --

                        CHICO:                  (Continuing push-
                                                ing business) 
                                        Whatever you tell us, 
                                        that's too bad, but no-
                                        body gets in.

As the shoving continues 
the Yegg is turning slowly 
backward so that his back 
is now toward the gate.
 
Chico and Harpo, with a 
few more pushes, push him 
inside the gate, where he 
turns and runs toward 
Farina's house.  Chico 
and Harpo brush their 
hands with self-satisfac-
tion.
  
                        CHICO:                  (Contemptuously) 
                                        Hm -- a wise guy!

They sit against a tree 
and start to drowse.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Party.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Harpo and Chico fast 
asleep on a bench near
the gate.  Butch and three
others of Alky Briggs' 
gang approach on tiptoe.
 
                        BUTCH:          Ssh.  Ssh.  This is a 
                                        cinch.  You mugs better 
                                        stay over there while 
                                        I go in and take a look 
                                        around first.
 
Butch enters and the 
others remain outside a 
short distance from the 
gate.
 
CUT TO:
 
Part of the lawn.
 
Butch notices Farina star-
ing at him suspiciously 
from a short distance away. 
Butch is frightened and 
starts running toward gate.
 
Chico and Harpo are awak-
ened by the beating of 
Butch's feet on the gravel 
path.  They jump up.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Stopping Butch) 
                                        Whoa!  Where do you go?

                        BUTCH:                  (Excitedly) 
                                        I wanna get out.

                        CHICO:          Aw, no!  We're watchin' 
                                        this gate and nobody 
                                        can come in or go out.

Harpo and Chico start 
pushing Butch back in 
again.

                        BUTCH:          But I ain't wanted here, 
                                        I tell you.

                        CHICO:                  (Continuing push-
                                                ing business) 
                                        At's nothing.  You 
                                        gotta stay anyway.

Butch looks around, and 
seeing that Farina is ap-
proaching, makes a dash 
to his right.

                        CHICO:                  (Shaking hands 
                                                with Harpo) 
                                        Not bad, eh, partner? 
                                        I tink we're gonna get 
                                        a raise soon.

Butch is seen jumping over 
a fence and escaping.

Shorty enters.
 
                        SHORTY:         I'd like to take a look 
                                        around inside the gate, 
                                        buddy.
                                                (Holds out $10.00 
                                                bill) 
                                        There's an easy ten in 
                                        it for you guys if 
                                        you'll just look the 
                                        other way for a minute.
 
Harpo nods eagerly 
and attempts to grab 
bill.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Slapping him on 
                                                hand) 
                                        Whatsa matter with you 
                                        partner?  Farina is our 
                                        best pal.  We can't 
                                        double-cross him for 
                                        less than twenty bucks.
 
                        SHORTY:                 (Taking out 
                                                another ten)
                                        Oh, that's all right 
                                        with me.

Harpo grabs both bills.

                        CHICO:                  (Letting Shorty 
                                                in) 
                                        That's different.

As Shorty starts in he 
signals the three other 
goofs who are waiting 
on the side.

                        SHORTY:         O.K. fellas. Come on.

The three try to enter 
but Chico and Harpo stop
them.

                        CHICO:          Wait a minnit.  Whatta 
                                        you guys want?

                        SHORTY:         Oh, they're all right,
                                        buddy.  They're friends
                                        of mine.

                        CHICO:                  (Somewhat 
                                                flustered) 
                                        Well -- if they're 
                                        friends of yours then 
                                        it's all right, cause 
                                        we don't let no 
                                        strangers in. 
All four go in.
 
Farina approaches and 
arrives at the gate,
 
                        FARINA:         A couple of fine guards
                                        you mugs are.  You'd
                                        better come inside with 
                                        me, before somebody 
                                        steals you.

FADE OUT.
 
CUT TO:
 
LONG SHOT OF PARTY, 
not yet completely 
assembled.
 
CUT TO:
 
SHOT of the front steps. 
The guests are arriving 
for the reception, foot-
men opening doors of cars, 
etc.  A small crowd of 
guests is slowly filing 
in thru door which is 
guarded by two burly mugs. 
The guests are a sprink-
ling of mugs and dignified 
society folk.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo and Chico coming 
out of a patch of darkness 
on the lawn, and starting 
up steps, prepared to 
enter.  They fall into 
line immediately behind 
two amazon women and try 
to squeeze in thru the 
door marching in step 
with the women.
 
As the women disappear 
into the house, Harpo and 
Chico are dragged out and 
rudely bustled outside 
again.
 
                        MUG:            Hey, what do you want?

                        CHICO:          I'm lookin' for a job 
                                        for my grandpa.

                        MUG:            Beat it, you guys!

                        CHICO:          Say, I don't think you 
                                        know who my partner is.

                        MUG:                    (Curtly) 
                                        No.

Harpo puts his leg up 
on one of the mugs, is 
repulsed, leans up 
against the other so that 
the horn in his belt 
honks.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Triumphantly) 
                                        You see, I was right. 
                                        Come on, partner.

The two of them start 
in arrogantly, are 
seized by the mugs and 
thrown out.
 
CUT TO:

Inside of the house and 
crowd of dancing couples 
showing varied nature of 
guests.  PAN toward the 
music coming from 
orchestra.
 
SHORT SHOT
 
Of orchestra revealing 
Spike, Shorty and Butch,
Briggs' men, uncomfortably 
blowing saxophones, their 
eyes shiftily watching the 
crowd.
 
CUT TO:
 
Zeppo and Mary dancing. 
Mary is radiant -- Zeppo's 
eyes sparkling.
 
                        MARY:           If you weren't here I 
                                        don't know what I'd do.

                        ZEPPO:          As far as I'm concerned, 
                                        there's nobody here but 
                                        you.
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho threading his way 
thru crowd and approaching 
Joe Farina, who is busily 
shaking hands and greeting
his guests.  Joe is beam-
ing and jovial.
 
Groucho accidentally brushes 
against a rather handsome
dame and her escort.
 
                        WOMAN:          Pardon me. 

                        GROUCHO:        Not at all.
                                                (Looks at her with 
                                                interest) 
                                        Say, how about you and I 
                                        passing out on the
                                        veranda -- or would you
                                        rather pass out here? 
                                        On second thought, never 
                                        mind; I don't like the 
                                        way you put your arms 
                                        around my neck when you 
                                        kiss.
 
Her escort starts forward 
menacingly.  Groucho slips 
past him and up to Farina.
 
                        JOE:                    (To Groucho) 
                                        Some party, eh?
 
                        GROUCHO:        You call this a party? 
                                        A more poisonous little 
                                        barbecue I never saw in
                                        all my life.  Wild horses
                                        couldn't bring me here if 
                                        I didn't have something 
                                        to tell you.
 
                        JOE:            What is it?
 
                        GROUCHO:        I wish I could remember it.
                                                (Scratches his head 
                                                perplexedly) 
                                        Mention a few things.
  
                        JOE:            What?

                        GROUCHO:        Anything. Mention base-
                                        ball -- No, that's not
                                        it.  Mention the book of 
                                        the month, mention your
                                        iceman, mention my 
                                        little sister, and you 
                                        die like a dog.  No, I 
                                        can't remember what it
                                        was -- remind me to
                                        think of it later.
                                        Joe stares at him 
                                        puzzled as Groucho 
                                        turns away.
 
CUT TO:
 
Steps outside entrance 
as four men carry up
two huge floral wreaths, 
spelling out:
 
SUCCESS TO JOE'S KID
 
   GOOD OLD JOE
 
As they start to enter, 
two mugs on guard pluck 
Harpo and Chico from the 
interior of the wreaths 
where they are hiding, 
and throw them out again.
 
CUT TO:
 
French balcony opening 
from the ballroom.
Groucho, his head resting 
on one hand, is stretched 
out on a bench, smoking 
a cigar and looking 
thoughtfully into the 
night.
 
The French doors open 
and a plump, 40-year old 
hoyden appears.

                        WOMAN:          Oh, there you are, Bad
                                        Boy -- gone and forgotten
                                        our dance.

                        GROUCHO:        Do you suppose I'd be 
                                        hiding out here if I 
                                        forgot? You've got a 
                                        face that'll haunt me as 
                                        long as I live -- longer 
                                        even.  It'll haunt you,
                                        too.
 
She approaches him and 
interrupts to take his 
hand.  He removes it, 
fishing in pocket to 
produce a ring box and 
extracts a ring from it.
 
                        WOMAN:                  (Ecstatically) 
                                        Oh, Colonel --

                        GROUCHO:        Do you like this ring?

                        WOMAN:                  (She stares at it 
                                                longingly) 
                                        I love it, Colonel.

                        GROUCHO:        Would you give me a buck 
                                        and a half for it?  It's 
                                        brass, you know.  I got 
                                        it from the nose of a 
                                        savage, so it ought to 
                                        fit you.

She bustles out 
indignantly.
 
Groucho leans back 
contentedly and takes 
another puff at cigar. 
The door opens again and 
out step an attractive 
matron end a distinguished-
looking gentleman.  She 
looks about fearfully.
 
                        MATRON:         Careful, Henry.  Some-
                                        body may be watching.
 
                        GENTLEMAN:      Oh,  I've been careful 
                                        too long.

He attempts to embrace 
her.

                        GROUCHO:                (Suddenly) 
                                        Well, now that you 
                                        brought that up, just 
                                        how long have you been 
                                        careful?
 
They start, seeing 
Groucho for the first 
time.

                        MATRON:         He -- saw. 
 
                        GENTLEMAN:      Be calm, Emily, I'll 
                                        talk to him.
                                                (To Groucho) 
                                        Er -- my good man -- er 
                                        -- you won't say any-
                                        thing about this, will 
                                        you?  You see, her 
                                        husband is insanely 
                                        jealous.
 
                        GROUCHO:        And what about me? What 
                                        about the sleepless 
                                        nights I've spent dream-
                                        ing of her scarlet mouth? 
                                                (Stands up and 
                                                manfully grips 
                                                gentleman by 
                                                shoulder) 
                                        Yes, Jack, I've played 
                                        the game and lost, but 
                                        who am I to count the 
                                        cost?
                                                (Suddenly) 
                                        Say, would you give me 
                                        a buck and a half for 
                                        this ring?
                                                (Draws ring from 
                                                pocket again) 
                                        It's real brass.  Look! 
                                                (Holds it up so 
                                                light catches it 
                                                and flings it in 
                                                shrubbery) 
                                        There, now, it's lost 
                                        and you gotta pay for 
                                        it.
 
                        GENTLEMAN:              (With dignity)
                                        Come, Emily.

They exit, as Groucho 
returns to his first 
pose, outstretched on 
the bench, puffing at 
cigar.
 
CUT TO:
 
Ballroom floor and 
dancing couples. Bustle
business.  After bustle
dance and Harpo is out 
of bustle, Harpo sees a 
man cut in on a couple. 
He approaches the man 
who has been cut out, 
taps him on shoulder and 
extends his arms as if to 
dance.  The man brushes
his arms aside.  Harpo
shrugs shoulders and 
approaches another couple 
who are dancing, and cuts 
in. The man leaves and 
Harpo begins wrestling 
with the woman.
 
CUT TO:
 
A group of potted palms --
Farina smoking a cigar, 
talking to a couple of 
men as Chico approaches 
and tugs at his sleeve. 
Joe turns.
 
                        JOE:            Oh, Hello. Having a 
                                        good time, kid?

                        CHICO:          Yeh, but what about a 
                                        job for my grandpa?

                        JOE:            Your grandpa?

                        CHICO:          Yeh, maybe you could 
                                        hire him to come to 
                                        this party.
                                                (Deliberating) 
                                        Naw, he wouldn't come. 
                                        He's starving, but he's 
                                        a proud fella.
 
Groucho appears suddenly 
his finger pressed to 
his temple, abstractedly 
tugging at Joe.
 
                        GROUCHO:        I've got it.  It's 
                                        something about a woman.
 
                        CHICO:                  (Brightly)
                                        A corset?
 
                        GROUCHO:        No, but you're getting 
                                        close.

                        CHICO:          I wish I was.

                        GROUCHO:        And the closer you get, 
                                        the stuffier it gets 
                                        in here.
                                                (He walks up and 
                                                down tapping his 
                                                temple) 
                                        Oh, if I could only 
                                        remember ... It was 
                                        about a woman.

                        CHICO:          What was her name? If 
                                        we can get that, the
                                        rest is easy.

                        GROUCHO:        Easy?  You don't know
                                        the woman.

                        JOE:                    (Impatiently) 
                                        Aw, come on, fellas. 
                                        This is a party and 
                                        we're here for a good 
                                        time.
 
Joe links his arm thru 
Groucho's. Harpo 
appears right behind 
Joe and taps him on
shoulder.  As Joe turns,
Harpo again is holding 
out his arms inviting
him to dance.  As Joe's
arm drops from Groucho's, 
Harpo clasps him and 
starts dancing with him. 
Joe shakes him off.
 
DISSOLVE INTO:
 
Ballroom, with Joe 
holding up his hand toward 
orchestra for silence. 
The music dies down and 
the guests have stopped 
dancing and are looking 
inquiringly toward Joe.
 
                        JOE:            Folks, this is my 
                                        daughter's party and 
                                        the sky's the limit. 
                                        It's cost me a hundred
                                        grand.  If you don't
                                        see what you want, ask 
                                        for it.
 
                        CHICO:          Well, I'd like a base-
                                        ball suit and a job 
                                        for my grandpa.
 
CUT TO:
 
The plump, 40-year 
old hoyden who turns 
from talking to two 
men and spies Groucho. 
She rushes up to him.

                        WOMAN:                  (Ecstatically) 
                                        I'll tell you what
                                        let's do.  Let's play
                                        some games.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Indignantly) 
                                        Fine language at a
                                        respectable party!  Do
                                        you want to get us 
                                        thrown out?
 
                        CHICO:          Sure, that's a great 
                                        idea.  Hey, let's play 
                                        Spin the Bottle.

He takes a half filled 
bottle from the tray, 
places it on floor and 
he and Harpo round up 
the somewhat reluctant 
guests in a large circle. 
He places the bottle on 
the side - Harpo spins
it.   It sprays the
circle of guests.
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho and Chico 
looking around the 
outside of ring, 
their eyes fixed on the 
bottle as it spins. 
Harpo is circling the 
inside of the ring, 
eyes also fixed on the 
bottle.  The bottle 
slows up and points to 
the plump dame.
The three of them stop
perplexed -- looking at
her.  Harpo, his eyes 
watching Groucho and 
Chico, slyly, slowly 
begins moving around the 
ring looking at them and 
other women also.  He 
darts quickly at a 
pretty girl, throws 
himself at her.
 
The other two do the same
from outside of the ring, 
the three of them ganging up 
on the pretty girl. She 
squirms out of the ring, 
shrieking across the floor
with Harpo after her.
 
                        CHICO:          Ha, ha. This is a great 
                                        game.

He slips inside the ring 
and begins circling it 
with Groucho also circling 
as in previous prank. 
He slows down as he sees 
a girl who attracts him. 
She  turns slowly, and as 
he dives at her, sidesteps,
he propels himself into
Groucho's arms.  Simul-
taneously the music starts 
and they do a few adagio 
steps and take a bow. 
The guests have scattered.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo appearing with four 
chairs, placing them on 
floor.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Ah, so that's your game,
                                        is it? You forget I once 
                                        held the Chair of Bird 
                                        Culture at Harvard. Why, 
                                        just last year I turned 
                                        down the chair at Sing 
                                        Sing.
 
Chico has rounded up Joe 
and a dignified dowager, 
both of them somewhat be-
wildered and marches them 
to chairs. The music 
starts and the five begin 
moving around the chairs. 
Four bars of the music -- 
it stops suddenly and the 
boys make a dive for the
chairs, Chico brushing 
the dowager into the fourth 
chair and leaving Farina
as odd man.  Farina
lumbers off as the music 
starts again.
 
CUT TO:
 
A gentleman in a group
who turns to get a
couple of chairs for 
ladies who are standing. 
He reaches over and takes 
chairs, leaving two for
the game. The music
proceeds a couple of bars,
stops suddenly.  Groucho
and Chico hurl themselves
into chairs. Harpo 
quickly pulls a camp 
chair out of his coat,
seats himself on it and 
pulls the dowager down on
his lap.  The chair gives
way and they both sink to 
the floor.   Harpo begins 
wrestling with the woman 
on the floor, pins her 
shoulders to floor, but 
she still squirms. 
Groucho circles around 
like a hawk-eyed referee, 
placing his hand under-
neath her hip to see 
whether it is a fall yet. 
The dame squirms but 
Harpo gets a toehold on 
her and as she shrieks, 
Groucho holds up his hand 
in signal that Harpo has 
won.
 
Harpo arises and struts 
victoriously towards a 
dame who is singing a
song.  By her side is a
harp and a vacant chair. 
While she sings, accom-
panied by the orchestra, 
Harpo is circling warily 
around the harpist's chair 
as if playing the game 
with himself. The or-
chestra stops and Harpo 
bangs himself into the 
chair and goes into the 
harp business and 
specialty.
 
At the conclusion of 
the harp specialty
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho, directly behind 
a dignified society 
woman type, with rolled-
up sleeves.  He plucks 
three or four eggs from 
her back hair and taps 
her on the shoulder.

                        GROUCHO:        Now you be here tomorrow 
                                        at the same time and I'll 
                                        take out the toast.

The plump, forty year 
old hoyden appears and 
rushes up to Groucho.

                        WOMAN:          Oh, there you are, 
                                        Colonel.  Aren't we 
                                        going to play some 
                                        more games?
 
                        GROUCHO:        Yeh, since I've seen you 
                                        I'd like to play Blind 
                                        Man's Bluff.

Groucho bandages a hand-
kerchief over her eyes, 
knots it in back, spins 
her around a couple of 
times and sends her reel-
ing out thru door.
 
Chico has joined Groucho 
at the end of this.  He 
turns to Harpo who is 
right behind him.
 
                        CHICO:          Say, this is the best 
                                        game of all.
 
Chico turns and whispers 
into Harpo's ear.  They 
pass among the guests 
rounding them up.  They 
blindfold several forci-
bly, spin them around.
 
CUT TO:
 
Orchestra showing the 
three Briggs men slip-
ping away.
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
Harpo, who sneaks up be-
hind Chico and blind-
folds him.  Chico goes 
stumblingly over in gen-
eral direction of the
piano.  Harpo wafts the
two blindfolded wowsers
out.
 
CUT TO:
 
Chico as he feels around 
the piano, his hands en-
countering keys.  He 
plays several chords, rips 
off the bandage, seats 
himself and goes into his 
piano specialty, doing
one number. At the end
of the number
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo on the outside
lawn with his two blind-
folded prisoners.  He
produces a cup and sev-
eral pencils from his 
pocket, places them in 
the hand or his prisoner
and with a shove starts
him off down the drive-
way.
 
Then he leads his other
prisoner up into a 
springboard and the man 
walks off into the pool. 
Harpo smiles, rubs his 
hands and re-enters house.
 
CUT TO:
 
Harpo as he approaches 
piano where Chico is 
playing.  Some flowers 
and water have spilled 
out of an overturned 
vase on top of the piano. 
Harpo produces a rag, 
sops up the mater and 
goes into his piano bit 
with Chico. They are 
almost finished when
 
CUT TO:
 
Joe Farina standing on
the edge of crowd. A
timid gentleman approach-
es him and whispers some-
thing in his ear.  Joe 
staggers, his eyes widen-
ing.

                        JOE:            Oh !  Oh !

The guests crowd around 
him as he stands there 
stricken.
 
                        JOE:                    (with a gasp)
                                        Mary -- they --
                                        they've kidnapped 
                                        her!
 
                        ZEPPO:          Kidnapped her!

                        JOE:                    (Choking with 
                                                emotion)
                                        It's Mary -- my 
                                        daughter -- do 
                                        something!

                        ZEPPO:          But who --

                        JOE:            It's that Alky Briggs! 
                                        Oh, if I could --

He turns on the timid 
gentlemen who had 
whispered into his ear.
 
                        JOE:            You saw 'em pull her 
                                        into the car! Why 
                                        didn't you do some-
                                        thin'?

                        TIMID 
                        GENTLEMAN:      They were pointing a 
                                        gun at me.

                        ZEPPO:          Which way did the car 
                                        go?

                        TIMID 
                        GENTLEMAN:              (Helplessly) 
                                        They made me turn 
                                        around -- I couldn't
                                        see --
 
                        JOE:                    (Desperately) 
                                        Where could they go? 
                                        The idea of taking a 
                                        young girl --

                        GROUCHO:                (Suddenly -- from 
                                                the crowd)
                                        That's it!  A young
                                        girl!  Just what I've 
                                        been trying to think
                                        of all day!  The ware-
                                        house -- I heard Briggs
                                        say so yesterday.  That's
                                        where they are taking 
                                        her ... Funniest thing, 
                                        it's been on the tip 
                                        of my tongue all day ... 
                                        Do you know I didn't 
                                        sleep a wink last night 
                                        thinking about it? ... 
                                        Sometimes you forget a
                                        name or a place ... 
                                        Why, only last night ... 
                                        no, it Thursday ...
 
There is a terrible 
confusion and noise, 
with Joe shouting to
some of his gorillas.
 
                        JOE:            Hey, get your car --

                                        Get your gats --
 
                                        Etc.
 
Guests are milling 
around as we slowly


FADE OUT
 
                        END OF SEQUENCE "M"
 


                        SEQUENCE "N"

MEDIUM TO CLOSE SHOT -
 
Collection of ramshackle 
buildings on the water-
front.  A rum sloop is
lashed to the dock.
 
Through a large opening 
in the side of one of the 
warehouses projects the 
long arm of a steam hoist, 
the lifting member of 
which is of the pincher 
type used in excavating. 
This crane, with the 
pinchers clutching bottles 
of champagne, swings rap-
idly from the hatchway of 
the sloop into the ware-
house, to the accompani-
ment of whirring machinery, 
rattling of chains, jerky 
explosions of steam, and 
mingling of rough voices 
of the hardboiled crew.
 
CLOSE SHOT
 
Inside of warehouse, show-
ing a little of bootleggers' 
equipment; cases of liquor, 
bottles, demijohns, barrels, 
kegs of beer.
 
A large vat of beer, bub-
bling and frothy, fills
one corner.  On a plat-
form at the top of the 
vat, men are siphoning 
the beer into kegs, which 
are placed on a mechanical 
gadget, which carries them
down to the main floor of 
the warehouse.  Empty kegs
ascend on a gadget.
 
CLOSE SHOT
 
Of Briggs and several 
henchmen, standing on plat-
form of vat, near a door 
labeled: "Office."  They 
are armed with pistols and 
sawed-off shotguns.
 
                        BRIGGS:                 (Opening office 
                                                door, looking in,
                                                shutting it, lock-
                                                ing it.)
                                        Shorty, I've locked 
                                        Joe's daughter in
                                        there.  Place a guard
                                        outside.  I'll stay 
                                        here till the boat's 
                                        unloaded, then we'll 
                                        get the girl aboard 
                                        and put to sea. I'll 
                                        make Farina talk turkey 
                                        now, or --
  
The pincher end of crane
swings into view over-
head, runs down on cable, 
opens, and spills bottles 
of champagne on floor. 
Men scramble to remove 
same.

                        BRIGGS:         Step on it there, you!

CUT TO:
 
Outside of office window 
which is barred. Mary's 
face, pale and frightened, 
is peering out. The sil-
houette of an ugly yegg
appears against the win-
dow outside. Mary gasps.
 
CUT TO:
 
MEDIUM SHOT -
 
Of Dock.
 
Three of Briggs' yeggs on
guard under an overhead
light.

                        YEGG:                   (As three stand 
                                                tensely alert) 
                                        Who's there? Stick 
                                        'em up!

Groucho and Zeppo come 
into the scene with hands 
up.

                        GROUCHO:                (Very tough) 
                                        Don't shoot, you mug, 
                                        or I'll rub you out. 
                                        Me and me pal belongs 
                                        to the gang.
 
                        YEGG:           Keep 'em up!

                        ZEPPO:          We wanta see Briggs.

                        YEGG:           What's the counter-
                                        sign?

                        GROUCHO:        Not responsible for
                                        overcoats that don't 
                                        fit after leaving this 
                                        counter.
 
                        YEGG:           Come with me!
 
CUT TO:
 
Inside of warehouse.
 
Briggs and yeggs at bottom 
of narrow steps leading 
to vat.

Groucho and Zeppo, hands 
still up, enter scene 
covered by yeggs.

                        BRIGGS:         (On the alert) 
                                        Keep 'em up!

                        GROUCHO:        Hello, Alky.
                                                (Offers his hand)
 
                        BRIGGS:         Keep 'em up, I ain't 
                                        so sure of you guys.
 
                        GROUCHO:        Why we're all pals. 
                                        That was a neat job 
                                        we pulled off, heh 
                                        Alky?
 
                        BRIGGS:         What do you guys want?

Zeppo has been darting 
looks here and there, 
searching for Mary.

                        GROUCHO:        Oh! We just wanted
                                        to offer congratulations. 
                                        Need any more help, 
                                        Alky?
 
                        BRIGGS:         Beat it!  There ain't
                                        nothin' you can do for
                                        me.

                        GROUCHO:        Now think!  Couldn't 
                                        I dust your office? 
                                        Or tidy up your bank 
                                        roll?
 
                        BRIGGS:                 (Emphatically) 
                                        I say there ain't 
                                        nothin' you can do for 
                                        me.


                        GROUCHO:                (Mimicking Briggs)
                                        Oh, there ain't nothin'. 
                                        Well, I could give you 
                                        some grammar lessons.
 
At signal from Briggs, 
yegg sees Groucho and 
Zeppo.
  
                        BRIGGS:         Throw 'em in the river.  

 
Groucho and Zeppo break 
away from them.
 
CUT TO:
 
FULL SHOT -
 
Looking down from top to 
the floor of the warehouse.
 
Groucho and Zeppo have 
their backs to the wall. 
The yeggs are lined up to 
rush them. As the yeggs 
move toward them, the 
crane arm of the hoist 
comes down between the 
Marxes and yeggs. Crane 
arm sweeps the line of 
yeggs back across the
warehouse floor.  Yeggs
land in a pile.  They 
scramble to their feet 
and rush toward Groucho 
and Zeppo, who stand 
poised with their dukes
up. The crane arm swings
down into view again be-
tween the antagonists, 
catches the line of yeggs 
advancing, brushes them 
aside into a pile as be-
fore.
 
CUT TO:
 
The seat of the hoist.
 
Chico is sitting there 
operating the levers of 
the machine.

                        CHICO:          (Moves the levers 
                                                rapidly amid his-
                                                sing steam of re-
                                                volving spools of 
                                                cable) 
                                        Aw, this is a bum 
                                        hoister. Maybe hoisters 
                                        are out of season.  I 
                                        tink I'll try those 
                                        little shrimps over 
                                        there.

CUT TO:
 
The end of the crane's 
pincher.  It comes down 
on the pile of struggling 
yeggs.  The prongs of the 
pincher open and shut, 
clawing out three squirm-
ing yeggs.  Then goes up. 
As the pincher shakes up
and down in, its ascent, 
guns drop out of the yeggs' 
pockets and hands.
 
CUT TO:
 
End of crane, swinging 
out; over the water. The 
pincher prongs open up 
and drop yeggs into river.
 
CLOSEUP
 
Of warehouse floor, show-
ing guns that have dropped 
from the yeggs' pockets.
 
Harpo comes into scene 
with armful of pistols 
and picks up other gats 
that continue to drop to 
the floor from overhead, 
as steam hoist continues 
its deadly work.
 
CUT TO:
  
Joe Farina, Groucho and 
Zeppo, crowding up the 
narrow steps leading to 
the platform on the vat.
 
Briggs, back to office
door, stands at bay.  Joe
closes in on Briggs. 
Briggs pushes Joe off the 
platform. As he dis-
appears out of scene, 
Zeppo leaps at Briggs and 
they grapple.  Groucho 
circles around them as 
they clinch.  Just as 
Groucho aims a blow at 
Briggs' chin, the grap-
plers swing around and 
Zeppo receives the blow 
from Groucho.  The sock 
knocks him groggy.

                        GROUCHO:                (Looking at his 
                                                fists) 
                                        I'm way off my game 
                                        today.
                                                (Poises his fist 
                                                again deliberately) 
                                        Head down - back slow 
                                        and low - arms straight - 
                                        flex the wrist - pivot --
                                                (Lets another blow 
                                                fly, again hitting 
                                                Zeppo instead of 
                                                Briggs.

CUT TO:
 
Harpo. He is throwing
the pistols through the 
warehouse window, smash-
ing each pane in  succes-
sion.
 
 
CUT TO:
 
Door of warehouse. 

A mob of yeggs swarm in 
through the doorway. The 
shadow of the crane's 
pinchers falls on them 
and they flatten against 
the wall of the warehouse 
and creep toward the 
stairs of the vat. They 
are about to rush to 
Briggs' assistance when 
the pincher comes into 
view, holding Harpo by
the coat-tail.  He
dangles over the yeggs' 
heads, socking them at 
random.
 
CUT TO:
 
Chico in seat of steam
hoist.  Chico sings:
 
                        CHICO:          Dad-da-da-da 
                                        Dad-da-da-da

CUT BACK TO:
 
Harpo swinging back and 
forth over the heads of 
the yeggs at the foot
of the stairs.  He
deliberately taps each 
head within range with 
his blackjack. He 
bounces up and down over 
the head of the hardest-
looking yegg who is 
half out, against the 
wall.  He swings back 
in order to get him right, 
parts the yegg's thick 
hair to get a better
crack at him.  Lets the 
yegg have it - SOCKO! 
And the yegg falls out 
of scene.
 
CUT TO:
 
Top of stairs of beer 
vat. Briggs and Zeppo
are still at it.  Their
clothes are now prac-
tically ripped from 
their shoulders. Groucho 
is caught in a clinch 
between them, his head 
sticking out as Briggs 
and Zeppo wrestle.

                        GROUCHO:        Look out there, you'll 
                                        break my glasses!


Briggs slams Groucho 
into Zeppo, knocking 
Zeppo's head against 
door.
 
                                                (To Zeppo) 
                                        If you expect to win 
                                        this fight, you better 
                                        knock me out first.
 
Zeppo pushes Groucho 
off the platform.
 
CUT TO:
 
Groucho landing at bottom 
of stairs, falling on 
beer-carrying gadget, 
which carries him right 
back up to where Zeppo 
and Briggs are in another 
deadly clinch.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Scrambling off 
                                                of gadget) 
                                        Well, hello, folks, 
                                        here we are again at 
                                        the ringside. 
                                                (Takes a dipper of 
                                                beer from the vat. 
                                                Drinks it) 
                                        Now the boys are 
                                        clinched in the center
                                        of the ring.  Nothing
                                        happens.
 

Zeppo and Briggs break 
away and begin swinging 
at each other.
 
                                        Now they're at it 
                                        again!  Oooh!  That 
                                        one hurt!
 
As Briggs and Zeppo go 
into a clinch, Groucho 
tries to part them like 
a referee.

                                        Come on, you boys, 
                                        break!

CUT TO:
 
Chico, on the hoist, work-
ing the levers furiously.
 
CUT TO:
 
FLASH 

Of Mary, shrinking in 
terror as the sound of 
battle salutes her ears. 

CUT TO:
 
Zeppo and Briggs, still battling.
 
The pincher pulls Groucho 
away into the air by the 
coat-tails, giving Zeppo 
his first real chance at 
Briggs.  Zeppo, plants a 
right on Briggs' jaw, 
knocking him over back-
wards into the vat of
beer.  Zeppo opens office 
door and Mary falls into 
his brawny arms.
 
Joe Farina comes into 
scene, looking a little 
the worse for wear.
 
                        JOE:            Mary!  You're safe now, 
                                        honey.
                                                (Takes Mary in his
                                                arms.  She kisses 
                                                him, smiles and 
                                                falls back into 
                                                Zeppo's protecting 
                                                arms)
 
                                                (Dropping his arm 
                                                about Zeppo's 
                                                shoulder) 
                                        Good boy, remember old 
                                        Joe Farina never for-
                                        got a friend.
 
                        GROUCHO:                (Comes into scene -
                                                shakes Joe's hand) 
                                        Well, we certainly 
                                        fixed Alky Briggs' 
                                        wagon, didn't we?  And 
                                        you won't forget me, 
                                        Joe?  I never forgot 
                                        a friend with money - 
                                        not if I could help it.

CUT TO:
  
Chico, at hoist, stand-
ing up bowing right and 
left like an actress 
stealing bows.

                        CHICO:                  (Over-modestly) 
                                        I lift 'em, I lift 'em 
                                        down. I pulla dis, 
                                        I pulla dat.  It was 
                                        notting. Well, I'll
                                        take five thousand 
                                        dollars.

CUT TO:
 
Another vat of beer. 
Harpo's head comes up 
with a smile.  He spurts 
a little beer out of his 
mouth - disappears out 
of sight in the beer 
again.
 
CUT TO:
 
Zeppo and Mary, in a 
loving embrace.
 
DISSOLVE on this into
 
Zeppo and Mary, dressed 
in natty going-away 
clothes, yachting pre-
ferred.  They are lean-
ing over the stern rail 
of Joe Farina's private 
yacht, name visible, 
reading:
 
    "Roustabouts"

                        ZEPPO:                  (Drawing Mary 
                                                closer to him) 
                                        At last we are alone. 
                                                (They steal a 
                                                kiss)

Out of three barrels 
which stand on the 
deck right behind 
Zeppo and Mary emerge 
the heads of Groucho,
Harpo and Chico.  They
are singing "If a 
Nightingale, etc."
 
 
FADE OUT
 
                        THE  END
 
 







Screenplay by S. J. Perelman and Will B. Johnstone
Additional Dialogue by Arthur Sheekman
First White Script - April 11, 1931


1