The African Queen

KEN CARPENTER: Lux presents Hollywood!

MUSIC: Lux Theme

KEN CARPENTER: Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap bring 
you the Lux Radio Theater starring Humphrey Bogart and Greer Garson in "The 
African Queen." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Irving Cummings!

APPLAUSE - MUSIC OUT 

IRVING CUMMINGS: Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. When the 
Academy Award for Best Performance by an Actor was presented last March, a 
star who had built his reputation with great performances of gangster parts 
was among those nominated. And Humphrey Bogart won that award with great 
acclaim in the unusual role of the intemperate skipper of the African Queen. 
And, as his co-star of this John Huston production, we have beautiful Greer 
Garson, another Academy Award winner. Tonight, Miss Garson will vary her 
popular role of the charming wife to play a strait-laced spinster. Naturally, 
Hollywood stars like to change the roles they play but, when it comes to 
complexion care, there's just one favorite, Lux Toilet Soap. Our most 
glamorous stars know they can count on daily Lux facials for the finest in 
complexion care -- care that really leaves skin smoother and fresher. So, try 
Hollywood's own beauty care, Lux Toilet Soap. Now, "The African Queen," 
starring Greer Garson as Rose and Humphrey Bogart as Charlie Allnut.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

IRVING CUMMINGS: The year is 1914. German East Africa ... where Rose Sayre 
and her brother Samuel spread [the] gospel of God. For more than a year, the 
missionaries have seen only one white man, Mr. Allnut, pilot of the African 
Queen, a filthy, dilapidated launch that gasps her way up and down the river.

ROSE: Uh, do have some more tea, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Uh, thanks, Miss. I-I don't mind if I do. 

MUSIC OUT

ALLNUT (laughs): Ah, just listen to this stomach o' mine. I mean, the way it 
keeps growling and squealing -- the way it sounds, you'd think I had a hyena 
inside o' me.

REVEREND: Uh, you, er, you do take sugar?

ALLNUT (laughs): Queer thing, ain't it? Now, what do you suppose makes a 
man's stomach carry on like this?

ROSE: You, uh, you're planning to stay overnight, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Oh, no, Miss, I - I gotta get up river and back to the mine. Oh, I 
almost forgot to tell ya, I prob'ly won't be comin' around this way for a 
couple o' months.

REVEREND: But, uh, w-w-what about our mail?

ALLNUT: Oh, don't look like there's gonna be any mail for a while on account 
o' the war.

ROSE: War? What war? Where?

ALLNUT: Europe, Miss. Germany and England.

REVEREND: England? You really mean war?

ALLNUT (chuckles): Yeah, that's what they tell me, Reverend.

REVEREND: But what do you know about it? What's happened?

ALLNUT: Oh, now, let's see, uh... Oh, yes, French are in it, too, and all 
them, uh, all them little countries, Austria, Hungary, Belgium -- I forget 
who's with who, though.

ROSE: Oh, Brother...

REVEREND: Yes, Rose. I know.

ROSE: This is German East Africa. We're-we're enemy aliens.

ALLNUT (laughs): Now, what harm could anybody do the Germans in this God-
forsaken place?

ROSE: God has not forsaken this place, Mr. Allnut -- as my brother's presence 
here will bear witness.

ALLNUT: Oh, no offense, Miss. Well, I'll be gettin' aboard the Queen and 
shovin' off. (fading) Thanks for the tea, Miss.

ROSE: Good-bye, Mr. Allnut.

REVEREND: Good-bye and ... thank you.

ROSE: Oh, that - that wretched little man with his foul cigar!

REVEREND: And his indifference about the war! He's Canadian. Doesn't he 
realize he's in this, too?

ROSE: Shouldn't we try to get to Limbasi, I mean, while we can?

MUSIC IN QUIETLY

REVEREND: The shepherd does not forsake his flock when the wolves are 
prowling. We shall stay here, Rose.

ROSE: Yes, Brother. Yes, of course.

REVEREND: Come, dear, come. We shall pray.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

JUNGLE ANIMAL NOISES

ALLNUT: Miss?! It's me, Miss! I come back a lot sooner than I said! (pause) 
Oh. So the Germans have been here, too, eh?

ROSE: Yes. They've - they've been here, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: When I got to the mines at Limbasi, everything was a shamble. 
Deserted. Burnt to the ground, just like the village here. Uh, Reverend 
around, Miss?

ROSE: My brother ... is ... dead.

ALLNUT: Ohh. Oh, well, now, now, ain't that awful? If them Germans'd shoot a 
Reverend, there ain't nobody safe.

ROSE: They were here three days ago. They didn't shoot him. They - they 
struck him and his heart was - was bad and-- (sobs)

ALLNUT: Aw, well, that's - now that's certainly too bad, Miss. That's all I 
can say. I tell ya what, Miss. You get your things together, we'll get aboard 
the Queen and clear out. Them Germans are sure to come back.

ROSE: But why? Why should they come back?

ALLNUT: Why, they'll be looking for the boat, Miss, for the African Queen. 
She's not much but they'd give a lot to get their hands on her, you bet. And 
what's aboard her, too. Blastin' gelatin, tin grub, cylinders of oxygen and 
hydrogen, heaps o' things I was bringin' to the mine.

ROSE: But where could we go?

ALLNUT: Why, out there on the river, Miss. Get behind an island where it's 
quiet and safe. We can talk about what to do then.

ROSE: I'll get ready.

ALLNUT: That's the ticket, Miss, you bet. You come with me.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

BOAT ENGINE COMES TO A STOP - ANCHOR DROPPED INTO WATER

ALLNUT: Well, Miss, so far, so good. Here we are, safe and sound, as ya might 
say. A nice shady spot in a nice lonesome spot. The question is: what next?

ROSE: Quite, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: We got heaps o' grub aboard, two thousand cigarettes, and two cases 
o' gin.

ROSE: Gin?!

ALLNUT: Why, we could sit out the war here if we wanted to. All the comforts 
of home, Miss, includin' runnin' water. Ha ha ha!

ROSE: Mr. Allnut! We simply cannot remain off a backwater island until the 
war is over.

ALLNUT: Oh, can't we now, Miss? Well, you've got the map there. Show me a way 
out and I'll take it.

ROSE: The British will certainly launch an attack. Now, uh, the only question 
is, which way will they come?

ALLNUT: Uh, well, from the sea, maybe. Up the railway to Limbasi. That'll put 
all them Germans between them and us.

ROSE: Might not our troops come up from the Congo?

ALLNUT: Miss... Miss, look, you see this lake on the map?

ROSE: Yes.

ALLNUT: That's a hundred miles o' lake. And there ain't nothin' gonna cross 
it while the Louisa is there.

ROSE: The Louisa?

ALLNUT: She's a hundred ton steamer, Miss, and German. She's boss of the lake 
'cause she's got six pounders, the biggest guns in Central Africa.

ROSE: Ohh.

ALLNUT: Ah, we're in a bit of a fix, Miss, whichever way you look at it.

ROSE: This river runs into that lake, does it not?

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. Yes, it does. But if you got any ideas of gettin' there in 
this launch, you'd better get rid of 'em.

ROSE: Why?

ALLNUT: Well, you look at the map, Miss. This here is Shona. The Germans have 
a fort at Shona. They'd blow us right out of the water and, before that, 
there's the rapids. Twenty miles of water that's like it was comin' out of a 
fire hose.

ROSE: But it has been done.

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss, in a canoe, a fellow named Spengler, he almost--

ROSE: Mr. Allnut! Uh, what did you say was in those wooden boxes?

ALLNUT: Them? Them's blastin' gelatin, Miss.

ROSE: Is it dangerous?

ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! Bless you, no. That's safety stuff. Takes a detonator to 
set it off.

ROSE: And what are those long, torpedo-like things?

ALLNUT: More stuff for the mine. Them's, uh, oxygen and hydrogen cylinders, 
Miss.

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, uh, you're a machinist, aren't you?

ALLNUT: Um, kind of a fixer, Miss. Jack of all trades, like they say.

ROSE: Could you make a torpedo?

ALLNUT (beat): How's that, Miss?

ROSE: Could you make a torpedo?

ALLNUT: A torpedo? Ask me to make a dreadnought and do it up right, Miss -- a 
torpedo! Ha ha! You - you really don't know what you're asking. Why, there 
just ain't nothin' so complicated as the inside of a torpedo. It's got 
gyroscopes and compressed air chambers and--

ROSE: Oh, but they're only to make it go, aren't they? Well, we've got the 
African Queen...

ALLNUT: How's that, Miss?

ROSE: ...and if we were to, uh, to fill those cylinders with that blasting 
gelatin and then, uh, then fix them so that they'd stick out over the end of 
this boat and then, uh, then if we were to run this boat against the side of 
the ship, well, uh, well, it'd go off, just like a torpedo would, wouldn't 
they?

ALLNUT: Yeah. Yeah, that's right, Miss.

ROSE: Well, then we could, uh, we could point the launch towards the ship and 
just before she hit, we could dive off, couldn't we?

ALLNUT: Sure. Sure, Miss. Absolutely. Only there ain't nothin' to torpedo.

ROSE: Oh, but there is.

ALLNUT: Is what?

ROSE: The Louisa.

ALLNUT: The Louisa?! Oh, now, don't talk silly, Miss. You can't do that. 
Honest, you can't. I told you before, we can't get down the river.

ROSE: Spengler did.

ALLNUT: In a canoe.

ROSE: If a German did it, we can do it.

ALLNUT: Not in a launch we can't.

ROSE: Well, how do you know? You've never tried.

ALLNUT: Well, I never tried shootin' myself in the head neither.

ROSE: In other words... in other words, Mr. Allnut, you're refusing to help 
your country in her hour of need.

ALLNUT: Uhh... I wouldn't put it that way.

ROSE: Just how would you put it?

ALLNUT: Huh... All right, Miss. Have it your own way. But don't blame me for 
what happens.

ROSE: Very well, then. Let's get started.

ALLNUT: Well, you mean, now?

ROSE: Now.

ALLNUT: But there ain't two hours o' daylight left, Miss.

ROSE: We can go a long way in two hours, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: But the boiler! The fire's gone out, practically. We can't move till 
we get the old kettle boiling again.

ROSE: Well, you're well-stocked with firewood. Do so.

LOADS FIRE WOOD

ALLNUT (to himself): Oh ... refusin' to help your country in her hour of 
need. (mimics Rose) Could you make a torpedo, Mr. Allnut? Well, do so, Mr. 
Allnut.

ROSE: Did you say something, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Me, Miss? I-I didn't say nothin', Miss.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

BOAT ENGINE 

ROSE: Anything wrong, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Eh, it's just this old boiler, Miss. She's leakin' steam. See?

ROSE: Oh. 

ALLNUT KICKS THE BOILER

ROSE: Uh, why are you kicking the boiler, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Heat pump's full of rust and scum. She gets clogged up.

ROSE: And that's all you have to do? Just kick it?

ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! It's knowin' how to kick her, Miss. She gets peevish now 
and then -- ever since I dropped a screwdriver down the safety valve.

ROSE: Uh, what would happen if you didn't kick it?

ALLNUT: The whole boiler'd blow up.

ROSE: Then why don't you dismantle the safety valve and remove the 
screwdriver?

ALLNUT (chuckles): You know, I'm gonna do that one of these days. The only 
reason I haven't up to now is that I kinda like kickin' her. She's all I've 
got.

ROSE: Well, uh, she - she seems to be operating quite normally now.

ALLNUT (chuckles): Yeah, like I - like I said, Miss, all she needs is a good 
boot. Well, you ready to call it a day? There's kind of a - kind of like a 
lagoon up ahead. It's a real nice place when the bugs ain't too bad.

ROSE: I shan't complain, Mr. Allnut. We have much to be thankful for.

ALLNUT: That's a fact, Miss. It's like they say: it ain't never so bad that 
it can't be worse.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

JUNGLE ANIMAL NOISES

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, do you suppose anyone has seen us?

ALLNUT: Oh, there ain't nobody in these parts, Miss, forgettin' the beasts of 
the forest. Kinda - kinda hot, ain't it? I could do with a drink.

OPENS CASE

ALLNUT: I got an extra cup here, Miss, if you're gonna have one.

ROSE: Oh, no. No, thank you. Uh, what is it?

ALLNUT: Gin, Miss. Gin.

SHE GASPS. HE UNCORKS AND POURS.

ALLNUT: Er, something wrong?

ROSE: No.

ALLNUT (chuckles): If you're worried about there not bein' enough, why, 
there's, uh, two full cases aboard.

ROSE: Oh, no, no, please.

ALLNUT: Well, maybe you'd like a nice cup o' tea?

ROSE: Well, thank you.

ALLNUT: Ha! You get real service on the African Queen. Hey, see this? Hot 
water all the time.

ROSE: O-out of the boiler?!

ALLNUT (laughs): It'll taste a little rusty but then we can't have 
everything, can we? There y'are, Miss. Just add the tea to suit your taste, 
like they say on the box.

ROSE: Thank you.

ALLNUT: Don't mention it. Well, now, you just sit and relax and, after a bit, 
I'll start thinkin' about supper. How long you been out here, Miss?

ROSE: In Africa? Oh, almost ten years.

ALLNUT: You ever get homesick?

ROSE: Well, I - I'm afraid I have been homesick -- many times. It's Sunday 
afternoons that I think of most. The peace and the quiet of home.

ALLNUT (chuckles): On Sunday afternoons, I was always sleepin' one off.

ROSE: Sleeping one --? (suddenly gets it) Oh.

ALLNUT (chuckles)

ROSE: What brought you to Africa, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Ah, the Zambesi Bridge, Miss. A whole boatload of us Canucks came 
over to work on it. Don't know yet what they wanted a bridge for but, then, 
uh, why did the chicken cross the road?

ROSE: I beg your pardon?

ALLNUT: Uh, nothing, Miss. (chuckles) Yeah, sometimes I wish I was back but 
then I remember how I'd have to be takin' orders from somebody while out 
here, I--well, I'm my own boss. 

MUSIC IN

ALLNUT: Well, drink your tea, Miss. I'll - I'll go fix ya some grub.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ALLNUT: Now, what do you think you're doin', Miss?

ROSE: Well, if I may draw some hot water from the boiler, I'll wash these 
dishes.

ALLNUT: Ah, mostly I, er, I just hold them over the side and let the current 
do the washing.

ROSE: If you'll forgive me, that's about what I imagined.

ALLNUT: Cleanliness is next to godliness, eh, Miss?

ROSE: Is that so amusing, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT (chuckles): Uh, no, Miss. Uh, you don't see no crocodiles around, do 
you?

ROSE: Crocodiles? No.

ALLNUT: Ah, it's too shallow for 'em. Well, I, er, I could do with a bath 
'fore I turn in.

ROSE: I - I'd like a bath myself.

ALLNUT: Well, now, you do the dishes back here and I'll go off the bow. So 
long as we don't look, it don't matter. Well, how 'bout it, Miss?

ROSE: Well, very well, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: That's the ticket. I won't be a minute (fading) just a slosh or two.

SILENCE TO DENOTE THE PASSING OF TIME

SLOSHING WATER THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING:

ROSE: Mr. Allnut! Mr. Allnut!

ALLNUT: Right here, Miss! How's the water?

ROSE: Oh, no, no, no! Stay just where you are! I - oh, dear! - I-I can't get 
back into the boat!

ALLNUT: Well, I'll give ya hand, then.

ROSE: Oh, I've been trying to climb up but I can't. I'm afraid I - I do need 
help. Is that blanket still there?

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss!

ROSE: Well, if-if you will please hold it up in front of you and close your 
eyes...

ALLNUT: Well, I just got two hands, Miss, and if I hold up the blanket ... !

ROSE: Ohh. Then - then just close your eyes.

ALLNUT (quietly) I got 'em closed, Miss. Now, here. You grab my arms.

ROSE: Oh, thank you. Oh, but - but don't you dare move until I say so.

ALLNUT: Oh, oh, no, Miss.

ROSE: I - I bathed in my undergarments. You'll have to wait until I--

ALLNUT: Now, it's all right, Miss, it's all right. You just say when.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

ALLNUT: Well! You feel better, Miss?

ROSE: Oh, yes. Yes, I - I do.

ALLNUT: Well, now, you'd better sleep here under the awning, Miss, in case it 
rains. And here's a couple of rugs. There ain't no fleas on 'em.

ROSE: Where will, uh, where will you sleep, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Me? Oh, forward, Miss. And if it'll make ya feel better, you can hang 
up one of them tarpaulins like a kind of a curtain sort of.

ROSE: Thank you. Good night.

ALLNUT: I'll turn out the lantern if you're ready, Miss.

MUSIC IN

ROSE: I'm quite ready. Good night, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Good night, Miss.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

THUNDER AND RAIN THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING:

ROSE (gasps) Mr. Allnut!

ALLNUT: Oh, I - I'm sorry I woke you, Miss.

ROSE: What are you doing?

ALLNUT: Oh, I - ain't doin' nothin', Miss. Just gettin' out of the wet.

ROSE: Well, go away this instant.

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss.

LONG PAUSE

ROSE: Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT (far off) Yes, Miss?

ROSE: You may come in out of the rain, if you wish.

ALLNUT (far off) Thank you, Miss. (comes closer) Miss?

ROSE: Yes?

ALLNUT: I'm sorry I gave you such a turn.

ROSE: Oh, that's quite all right. I-I didn't realize that you were just-- how 
hard it was raining.

ALLNUT: I won't get near ya, Miss. There's heaps o' room.

MUSIC IN

ROSE: Good night, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Good night, Miss.

MUSIC UP - APPLAUSE

MUSIC OUT

IRVING CUMMINGS: Before we return with Act Two of "The African Queen," here's 
Frances Scully, popular Hollywood commentator.

FRANCES SCULLY: Wasn't it a pleasure, Ken, to meet the famous swimmer Annette 
Kellerman on your program last week?

KEN CARPENTER: Oh, yes, indeed, Frances. She's a remarkable woman. No wonder 
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer filmed her life story and called it "Million Dollar 
Mermaid."

FRANCES SCULLY: Well, the film looks like a million dollars in gorgeous 
Technicolor with stars like Esther Williams, Walter Pidgeon, Victor Mature 
and David Brian.

KEN CARPENTER: Esther Williams certainly does some sensational routines in 
those beautiful water ballets.

FRANCES SCULLY (laughs): Oh, and she looks so glamorous, particularly in the 
famous one-piece bathing suit that shocked Boston in the 1920s.

KEN CARPENTER (laughs): Yes. Well, I thought it was an exceptionally good 
love story, too, Frances, with both Victor Mature and David Brian in love 
with Esther Williams as she becomes the toast of two continents.

FRANCES SCULLY: Yes, in Annette Kellerman, Esther Williams plays an exciting 
role, filled with glamor and romance in "Million Dollar Mermaid."

KEN CARPENTER: Well, I can't imagine a mermaid more beautiful than Esther 
Williams. In Technicolor, her complexion looks like a million dollars.

FRANCES SCULLY: And yet, Ken, Esther Williams' complexion care is one that 
every girl can use. It's Lux Toilet Soap. Like nine out of ten famous 
Hollywood stars, Esther's devoted to Lux soap care.

KEN CARPENTER: And when all these famous beauties agree on one complexion 
soap, you know it must do something wonderful for skin, must really smooth 
and freshen your complexion. And that's just what daily Lux care does. Its 
skin tonic action helps your skin retain natural moisture. Even dry skin 
looks fresher, more appealing.

FRANCES SCULLY: And Lux facials take only a minute. You just cream in the 
rich Lux lather, rinse warm, splash cold. And there -- your complexion 
sparkles.

KEN CARPENTER: Yes, girls, Lux care is simple but so effective that Lever 
Brothers Company guarantees it will improve any normal skin. So try these 
daily Lux soap facials. See how quickly your skin looks lovelier, really Lux 
lovely. Now, here's our producer, Mr. Cummings.

IRVING CUMMINGS: Act Two of "The African Queen," starring Humphrey Bogart as 
Mr. Allnut and Greer Garson as Rose.

MUSIC IN

IRVING CUMMINGS: It's the following morning and the African Queen wheezes her 
way down the river. Mr. Allnut is at the rusty engine, administering with 
tools and frequent kicks of his experienced foot. And now, suddenly, what he 
is dreading is upon them: the sluggish river has turned into whirlpools and 
rapids.

MUSIC UP AND OUT 

RIVER AND ENGINE NOISES

ALLNUT: Well, Miss, how'd you like it?

ROSE: Like it?

ALLNUT: White water! Rapids!

ROSE: Oh, I never dreamed that it--!

ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! I don't blame you for being scared, Miss. Ain't nobody in 
his right mind ain't scared of white water.

ROSE: I was about to say that I never dreamed that any mere physical 
experience could be so stimulating!

ALLNUT: Huh? How's that, Miss?

ROSE: I've seldom known such excitement. A few times in my dear brother's 
sermons, when the spirit was really upon him, I felt--

ALLNUT: Well, you mean you want to go on?!

ROSE: But of course I do!

ALLNUT: Miss, you're crazy!

ROSE: Oh, I must say, I'm filled with admiration for your skill, Mr. Allnut. 
Do you suppose that after I practice steering a bit more that someday I might 
try it?

ALLNUT: Miss, lemme tell ya somethin' -- those rapids back there ain't 
nothin' to what's in front of us!

ROSE: Oh, I can hardly wait!

ALLNUT: But, Miss!

ROSE: Oh, now that I've had a taste of it, I don't wonder that you love 
boating, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Boating?! (beat) Excuse me, Miss, I need a drink.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

ENGINE NOISE

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, if - if something's the matter, please, I must know.

ALLNUT: It's nothing you'd understand.

ROSE: You're - you're drinking gin again, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss, I sure am.

ROSE: It's been such a pleasant day up until now. What is it that's - that's 
driving you to drink, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT (sighs) All right. I'll tell ya. It's all your foolish talk about us 
going on into the lake. All this crazy talk about the Louisa. Well, we ain't 
gonna go.

ROSE: But of course we are! What an absurd idea.

ALLNUT (mimics her) What an absurd idea. What an absurd idea.

ROSE: Why don't you want to go on?

ALLNUT: Because of the river and the rapids and then Shona.

ROSE: Shona? Oh, yes, yes, where the Germans have a fort.

ALLNUT: Yeah, you're darn right, Shona. Just one bullet in that blasting 
gelatin, Miss, and we'd be little bits and pieces.

ROSE: Then we'll go by the fort at night.

ALLNUT: Oh, no, we won't.

ROSE: Then we'll go by day. We can go on the far side of the river, speeding 
along just as fast as ever we can.

ALLNUT: We ain't gonna go speeding along any place.

ROSE (gasps, then coolly): You agreed to go.

ALLNUT: I never did. I never agreed to anything.

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, you are a liar. And, what is worse than that, a - a coward.

ALLNUT (mock pain) Oooh! Coward yourself! You ain't a lady! No, Miss, that's 
what my poor old mother would say to you. My poor old mother would say to 
you... Whose boat is this anyway? I asked you on because I was sorry for ya. 
That's what you get for feelin' sorry for people. Well, I ain't sorry for you 
anymore. (savagely) You're a crazy, psalm-singin', dried-up old maid!

ROSE (evenly): Mr. Allnut. You are drunk.

ALLNUT: Not half what I'm gonna be neither. (singing, badly) There was a bold 
fisherman, set sail for Port Pimlico, to catch the bold figgy and the gay 
mack-a-rool--

MUSICAL BRIDGE

JUNGLE BIRDS A-TWITTERIN', RIVER A-SLOSHIN'

ALLNUT (hung over): Ohhh. Oh, Miss. Oh, my head. Oh, have pity, Miss.

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, you are still intoxicated.

ALLNUT: Ohh. Oh, the gin! That's gin you're pouring into the river!

ROSE: Indeed, it is.

ALLNUT: Oh, ya - Oh, ya don't know what you're doin', Miss. I'll perish 
without a hair o' the dog.

ROSE: Look at you -- reeling about helplessly.

ALLNUT: Oh, my head. Oh, my head. I'm warning you, Miss. That gin ain't your 
property.

ROSE: It's no one's property now. Twenty-one empty bottles floating on the 
waves. And I'm glad.

ALLNUT: You're a criminal, that's what you are. Oh, I'll die. Then what'll 
you do? I'll suffer and die and ... I'll float on the waves. It's all your 
doing, ya hear? You did it all. Oh... (breaks down and sobs)

MUSICAL BRIDGE

QUIET - RIVER WATER

ALLNUT coughs twice.

ROSE: Oh, it's you. Good morning.

ALLNUT (laughs) I, eh, I look different, huh? Yeah, I, uh, I shaved. Oooh, 
uh, I see you're reading your Bible. Ah, it's a good thing to have a lady 
aboard, Miss, sets a man a good example -- a man alone, well, he gets to 
livin' like a hog. And, too, with me, it's, uh, "always put things off." But 
with you, Miss, it's "business before pleasure" every time. Heh, I, uh, I 
tell ya, it's like an inspiration. And that old engine -- I ain't got that 
old engine so clean in years! Just look at her, Miss! (beat) Huh. You don't 
care.

ROSE: Hmph!

ALLNUT: If I only had some clean clothes like you. Now, you -- why, you could 
be at high tea! Say, that's an idea, Miss, how 'bout a nice little cup o' 
tea? (beat) Uh... how's the book? (beat) How 'bout reading it out loud? I 
could do with a little spiritual comfort myself. (beat, savagely) And you 
call yourself a Christian! Don'tcha?! Don'tcha, huh?! 

ROSE: You're behaving like an infant.

ALLNUT: And how are you behaving? Ya - you're just plain mean! Man takes a 
drop too much once in a while, it's only human nature.

ROSE: Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we're put into this world to rise above.

ALLNUT: I'm sorry. I apologize for getting so drunk. What more can a man do? 
Besides you paid me back. Didn't even leave me a drop. Have a heart, Miss. 
Say something. I don't care what it is but you gotta say something.

ROSE: So you think it was your nasty drunkenness I minded?

ALLNUT: Well, what else?

ROSE: You promised me that you'd go down the river.

ALLNUT: Miss. Miss, listen to me. There's death a thousand times down there. 
I'm sorry to disappoint ya but don't blame me -- blame the river.

ROSE: You promised.

ALLNUT: Well, I'm takin' my promise back! (beat) All right, Miss, you win -- 
as the crocodiles will be glad to hear. Down the river we go.

ROSE (genuinely): Thank you, Mr. Allnut.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

BOAT ENGINE

ROSE: We're making splendid progress, Mr. Allnut.

ALLNUT: Look over there.

ROSE: Shona?

ALLNUT: Not yet, Miss, but soon. Over there's a crocodile waitin' for his 
supper.

ROSE: Which side of the river is Shona on?

ALLNUT: Starboard, Miss.

ROSE: Well, good. Then the sun will be in their eyes. Why, you're worried, 
aren't you?

ALLNUT: Oh, not me, Miss. I gave myself up for dead back where we started.

DISTANT CANNON FIRE

ROSE: Oh, that noise -- what was that?

ALLNUT: That fort's closer than I thought. They're just lettin' us know 
they've sighted us. Their next shot's gonna be closer.

ANOTHER SHOT, CLOSER

ROSE: Their aim's dreadful, isn't it?

ALLNUT: Their aim will be good enough unless we turn back.

ROSE: Mr. Allnut, I don't want to hear those words again.

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. 

ANOTHER SHOT

ALLNUT: Now, put your head down. We'll get rifle fire, too, in a minute.

ROSE: Can't we go any faster?

ALLNUT: We're sure gonna try, Miss, and if it's all the same with you, start 
praying.

BRIEF MUSICAL BRIDGE

ALLNUT: We've made it! Look! We've made it!

ROSE: Hip hip hooray, Mr. Allnut!

ALLNUT: Oh, we sure put one over on them Germans that time, didn't we, Miss?! 
Oh, we showed 'em, Miss! Hip hip hooray!

ROSE: Was my handling of the boat all right?

ALLNUT: Oh, better than all right, Miss! They were that surprised at seein' 
the old African Queen, they didn't really start shootin' till we were past! 
(laughs like a maniac)

ROSE: Oh, this wonderful old boat!

ALLNUT (calming down): Well, we're - Well, we're full o' water, Miss, we're 
battered and we're busted. You see these bullet holes? One through the steam 
hose and two in the boiler?

ROSE: The engine's stopped.

ALLNUT: Long since, Miss. But we can drift into them shallows and I'll start 
pumpin'.

ROSE: No, no, I'll pump while you go ashore for logs.

MUSIC IN

ALLNUT: Well, that - that would save us time. Thank you, Miss. Here, now. You 
watch close ...

ROSE: Yes?

ALLNUT: ... and I'll, I'll show ya the trick...

MUSIC UP AND OUT

PUMPING WATER

ROSE: I've got almost all the water pumped out, Mr. Allnut. Come and look.

ALLNUT: Uh, just let me set these logs down.

LOGS SET DOWN

ALLNUT: Oh, you've worn yourself out, Miss.

ROSE (pants): Well, so have you.

ALLNUT: Well, if it's all right with you, we'd - we'd better stay here till 
morning. (beat) Hey. Hey, where'd they come from? Them flowers.

ROSE: Oh, I - I just couldn't resist them. I waded ashore and I - I picked 
them. Do you recognize them, Mr. Allnut? I - I've never seen them before.

ALLNUT: I can't say that I have either, Miss.

ROSE: What if no one ... ever has? What if they don't even have a name?

ALLNUT (chuckles) Well, name or not, Miss, they sure are pretty. Here, put 
one in your hair. Catch.

ROSE: Oh, dear. Oh, I-I dropped it.

ALLNUT: No, no, no, I'll get it.

ROSE: No, no, I can pick it up. I, um -

MUSIC IN QUIETLY

ROSE: Well, well, look at us. Hands and knees in three inches of water, 
looking for a flower. (laughs uneasily) I-I could laugh and - and - and cry 
and, I, uh - (beat) Why, you - you kissed me.

ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. I sure did, Miss.

ROSE (lovingly): You - you kissed me.

MUSIC UP AND DOWN

ALLNUT SNORING

ROSE: Mr. Allnut? Mr. Allnut? Uh ... dear?

ALLNUT (awakes, coughing) Huh? Oh ... oh. (naturally) Hello, Rosie.

ROSE: You've been napping. Supper's ready.

ALLNUT (pleased): Rosie! Fancy you buildin' a fire and all while I slept.

ROSE (chuckles): Uh, dear ... (expecting the worst) ... what is your first 
name?

ALLNUT (playfully) Charlie.

ROSE (relieved): Charlie. (chuckles)

ALLNUT: Give us a kiss, Rosie.

ROSE (lovingly): Charlie. Charlie, dear.

ALLNUT (sighs): The more I look at this place, the prettier it gets. I expect 
it's about the prettiest place I've ever been to. Oh, not that I ain't all 
for goin' down the river, y'understand.

ROSE: Oh, yes, Charlie, I know.

ALLNUT: Why, the sooner we blow up the ol' Louisa, the better. What I meant 
was, I'd like to come back here someday.

ROSE: Then you think we can do it?

ALLNUT: Do it? Why, there's nothin' a man can't do if he believes in himself. 
Never say die, that's my motto.

ROSE: I've had misgivings, Charlie. I was beginning to think that perhaps the 
- the whole thing was a mistake.

ALLNUT: How's that, Miss? Ah, I mean, (lovingly) Rosie.

ROSE: Well, I - I had a moment of weakness.

ALLNUT: Oh, well, if you're feeling weak, Rosie, why, a day or two here on 
shore won't make any difference.

ROSE: Oh, no, no. We'll go on and thank Heaven for your strength, Charlie. 
Thank Heaven.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

BOAT ENGINE

ALLNUT: Well, Rosie girl, looks like there ain't nothin' can stop the ol' 
Queen.

ROSE: What about the propeller, Charlie?

ALLNUT: Turnin' nice as you please, Rosie. Why, we're goin' down the river 
just like, er, Anthony and Cleopatra in their barge. Ha ha! This couldn't 
happen, Rosie, if it hadn't been for you. Don't you feel proud o' yourself?

ROSE: Certainly not. It's you, Charlie. It's all you. I don't think there's 
another man alive who could have done what you've done.

ALLNUT: Oh, I'll never forget the way you looked when we was goin' over them 
rapids. Head up, chin out, hair blowin' in the wind. The livin' picture of a 
hero-ine! (pronounced herowine)

ROSE (chuckles): Fancy me a heroine! (chuckles) Oh, Charlie, you've lost your 
mind.

ALLNUT: Lost mah heart, too, Sweetheart. 

ROSE (chuckles) 

ALLNUT: Oh, what a time we've had, Rosie. What a time. We'll never lack for 
stories to tell our grandchildren.

ROSE: Charlie, how much further do you suppose it is to the lake?

ALLNUT: Ah, there's no tellin', Rosie. All depends on how much windin' around 
this old river does.

ROSE: The river's changed, hasn't it? And that smell. Why, it's-it's like 
marigolds, stale marigolds.

ALLNUT (chuckles) Not a very good smell for a flower.

ROSE: They're - they're very pretty, though, marigolds.

ALLNUT (suddenly apprehensive) Rosie. Look.

ROSE: Another bend?

ALLNUT: If only that's all it was. Rosie, it's on all sides. Nothing ahead 
but grass and papyrus as far as you can see.

ROSE: But the river doesn't stop up there. It can't!

ALLNUT: Not according to the map it can't, only -- how do you get through 
that stuff?

ROSE: Charlie, they're islands. Thousands of tiny islands. But where's the 
main channel among them?

ALLNUT: Don't look like there is one, Rosie. Just a sea of grass and a forest 
o' reeds. Well, I - I better cut the engine.

BOAT ENGINE SHUTS DOWN

ROSE: Charlie ... ?

ALLNUT: What are we gonna do, huh? I don't know, Rosie. Get into it and take 
a look around, I suppose.

ROSE: Yes, dear, yes.

ALLNUT: But once we're in, Rosie, and the grass and them reeds close up in 
back of us, there'll be no goin' back. If anything happens, we'll just sit 
there -- till we go off our heads with fever.

MUSIC IN

ROSE: I - I know, Charlie.

ALLNUT: So, ya pays your money and you takes your choice. Which is it, 
Sweetheart? Straight ahead ... or turn around?

ROSE: Straight ahead, Charlie.

MUSIC UP - APPLAUSE - MUSIC OUT

IRVING CUMMINGS: We'll continue with Act Three of "The African Queen" in a 
few moments. Now, it's with great pleasure I introduce our guest, the lovely 
Zsa Zsa Gabor, who will soon be seen in United Artists' great new Technicolor 
picture, "Moulin Rouge."

ZSA ZSA GABOR: Hello, Irving. You know, I just returned from Paris -- that's 
vhere the picture vas filmed -- because it's about a famous French painter, 
Toulouse-Lautrec.

IRVING CUMMINGS: Yes, and his genius and reckless way he defied convention 
make one of the screen's most dramatic stories.

ZSA ZSA GABOR (mangling her line badly): You know, Jose [pronounced Jo-say] 
Ferrer plays the actor -- plays -- and now the new French star Colette 
Marchand plays the woman he loves and I am Jane Avril, the famous singer and 
dancer in Toulouse-Lautrec's posters.

IRVING CUMMINGS: It's a spectacular picture, Zsa Zsa. In "Moulin Rouge," 
producer John Huston captures all the flavor of Paris' Left Bank and the 
colorful artist's life.

KEN CARPENTER: Oh, Zsa Zsa, you're a knockout in that red-and-white costume 
of Lautrec's famous poster. You set it off so perfectly with that creamy 
complexion of yours. It's a Lux complexion, I know.

ZSA ZSA GABOR: Of course, Ken. I'm devoted to the Lux Toilet Soap facials and 
I really appreciate Lux for my baths, too, especially after making this 
picture. My dance number required ninety-three rehearsals. Vas I tired. But 
my Lux bath completely refreshed me.

KEN CARPENTER: Yes, a bath with creamy white Lux soap is the quickest beauty 
pick-up ever. It treats you to so many luxuries in one. First, there's the 
rich abundant lather Lux gives, even in hard water. Second, there's that 
delightful mildness of Lux, the way its gentle lather leaves your skin so 
soft.

ZSA ZSA GABOR: The luxury I love is the Lux perfume [pronounced par-fyoom]. 
It clings [pronounced klinks] so long yet is so delicate 
[pronounced dee-lick-it], flower fresh.

KEN CARPENTER (tries to keep a straight face): Thank you, Zsa Zsa. Girls, try 
the big bath size Lux Toilet Soap. Do it tomorrow. Be Lux lovely for the 
holidays ahead. We pause now for station identification. This is the CBS 
radio network.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

IRVING CUMMINGS: The curtain rises on Act Three of "The African Queen," 
starring Greer Garson as Rose and Humphrey Bogart as Charlie.

MUSIC IN

IRVING CUMMINGS: For days now, the journey of the African Queen has been 
halted. Across the breadth of the river -- like a towering, living wall -- is 
a jungle of grass and reeds, an endless morass through which a thousand 
different channels twist and turn. And, somewhere among them, Rose and 
Charlie are hopelessly lost.

MUSIC OUT

SLOSHING WATER

ROSE: Charlie, please. Let me pole for a while.

ALLNUT: Aw, aw, it's no use, Rosie. All the channels we've lost, all the 
squirming and turning we've done -- this river's crazy. (loses it) Crazy as I 
am!

ROSE: Oh, Charlie!

ALLNUT (calms down) Sorry, old girl. Well, the only thing that will put the 
roses back in our cheeks is to get out of these reeds. I'll go over the side 
again. You pole, Rosie, and I'll push.

ALLNUT JUMPS IN WATER

ALLNUT: Just keep her straight if you can, Rosie. Head her through the grass.

ROSE (straining): There must be a main channel, mustn't there? It just - it 
just can't disappear.

ALLNUT: I'm sick of talkin' about it, Rosie. Or searching for it or even--

ROSE (gasps): Charlie! Ah! Leeches! Blood-suckers! Ahh, you're covered with 
them!

ALLNUT (shivering horribly throughout): Oooh! My legs, Rosie! My arms! Oooh, 
the little beggars! Pull 'em off me! Rosie, help me!

ROSE: Oh, yes!

ALLNUT: No, no, don't touch 'em, don't! Salt, Rosie! 

ROSE: Yes.

ALLNUT: You pull 'em off but their heads stay in! Poison the blood! Get the 
salt.

ROSE: Yes, dear! Yes!

POURING SALT

ALLNUT: Pour it over me! Pour the salt over me!

ROSE: I am, Charlie, I am!

ALLNUT: They can't stand the salt. See, Rosie? Look, they're-they're dropping 
off.

ROSE: Oh, my poor Charlie!

ALLNUT: If there's anything in the world I hate, it's leeches. Oooh, the 
filthy little devils.

ROSE: You're bleeding.

ALLNUT (finally stops shivering): Oh, it - it ain't nothing. The salt'll kill 
the poison. Well... here I go.

ROSE: Charlie, no. You're not going over again. No, no.

ALLNUT JUMPS IN WATER

ALLNUT: Take the pole, Rosie. We'll try again.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

SLOSHING WATER

ALLNUT: Rosie? You still awake, Rosie?

ROSE: I'm here, dear.

ALLNUT: I'm awful cold, Rosie. Hot and then... cold. Chills and fever. Fine - 
fine specimen of a man I am, ain't I?

ROSE: You're the bravest man that ever lived. You're just overdue, that's 
all. Try to sleep. And when you wake up, we'll be on our way again.

ALLNUT: On our way. Even if we had all our strength, we'd never get the boat 
off this mud. We're finished, Rosie.

ROSE: I know it.

MUSIC IN

ALLNUT: But I'm - I'm not one bit sorry I came. What I mean is, it was worth 
it.

MUSIC UP AND DOWN

ROSE (prays): Dear Lord, we've come to the end of our journey. I pray for you 
to be merciful. Judge us not for our weakness but for our love. And open the 
doors of Heaven for Charlie and me.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

WIND AND THUNDER AND RAIN

MUSICAL BRIDGE

SLOSHING WATER

ALLNUT: Rosie? Rosie, it's over, Sweetheart.

ROSE: It is?

ALLNUT: The storm's over. Open your eyes, dear, it's daylight.

ROSE: Why, I wonder if I dreamed it, Charlie. If it was just a - a nightmare. 
I saw animals and-and birds, running, screaming--

ALLNUT: Aw, it's nothin' you dreamed, Rosie. I never seen such a storm. 

ROSE: Charlie, what are you doing? You mustn't work, dear. You're not strong 
enough yet to--

ALLNUT: Rosie. I ain't doin' anything. Open your eyes and see. I'm just 
sittin' here next to ya.

ROSE: But we're - we're moving.

ALLNUT: Moving? Moving? Rosie, look!

ROSE: Charlie! Where are we?!

ALLNUT: Rosie, dear! We're on the lake!

ROSE (gasps and starts to cry with joy)

ALLNUT: Aw, the rain did it! It filled the channels! Look, the rain and the 
wind! Just lifted the old Queen up and carried her over the mud. We've 
cleared the weeds, Rosie! Look back there! We couldn't've been a hundred 
yards from it last night when we give up hope! Oh, Rosie, Rosie!

ROSE: Oh, let's try and build a fire if we can -- and get the engine started 
-- and go right out to the middle away from these reeds where we can - where 
we can breathe again.

ALLNUT: Sure, Sweetheart, sure. We'll be out o' here in a jiffy!

MUSICAL BRIDGE

BOAT ENGINE

ROSE: Oh, this air! Oh, Charlie, it's wonderful!

ALLNUT: Wait'll this mist clears away. You see? The lake's as big as an 
ocean. And we're on it, Rosie!

ROSE: Oh, just to breathe again!

ALLNUT: Yes, it's like - like -- I know you don't approve -- but it's like a 
shot o' gin! Makes your blood race and your spirits soar!

ROSE: Oh, I'm sorry I poured out all that gin, Charlie.

ALLNUT: Aw, forget it, Rosie. And just to show you there's no hard feelings, 
I'll make ya another cup o'--

ROSE: Wh--? Why, Charlie!

ALLNUT: Rosie! There, to starboard! That's the Imperial German Navy! That's 
the Louisa!

ROSE: She's coming towards us, Charlie.

ALLNUT: We gotta make a run for it. Back to the weeds. Take her around while 
I stoke the boiler.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

ROSE: Yesterday, those weeds were our death -- and, Charlie, today they're 
our salvation. Oh, I was so sure they'd seen us.

ALLNUT: Look at the size of her, Rosie. See her guns?

ROSE: Why did they stop at that little island, Charlie?

ALLNUT: Oh, likely it's just routine or maybe just checkin' what the storm 
tore up. They'll be back again. You know how them Germans are.

ROSE: Methodical, yes.

ALLNUT: That's them, all right. They lays down systems and they stick to 
them. Mondays, they're one place. Tuesday, someplace else. And Wednesday, 
they'll be back here.

ROSE (gasps)

ALLNUT: Oh? Yeah, I know what you're thinkin', Rosie. Your thinkin' of the 
next time the Louisa comes back here, aren't ya, old girl?

ROSE: How long will it take, Charlie, to get the torpedoes ready?

ALLNUT: Depends on the detonators. Well, I - I gotta rig up somethin'. We'll 
manage it, Rosie, we'll manage it.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

TOOL DROPS

ALLNUT: Well, there they are, Rosie. Them's the detonators.

ROSE: Oh, Charlie, you're wonderful.

ALLNUT: And what's more, I think they'll work.

ROSE: Now, what about the cylinders?

ALLNUT: Well, with you helpin', I'll lash 'em on each side of our bow. Only 
we can't set the detonators on 'em till we're ready to set out. You see, 
they're kind o' tricky, Rosie.

ROSE: We'd be working at night, Charlie. Can you do it in the dark?

ALLNUT: If that's the case, I'll have to.

ROSE: And you're - you're sure they'll come back with the Louisa?

ALLNUT: Well, lemme see -- figurin' both her speed and the size of this lake, 
my guess is she'll be back here tomorrow afternoon. And when she comes, we'll 
be ready.

ROSE: Tomorrow afternoon. Charlie, let's make the Queen as clean as we can. 
Let's scrub her decks and polish her brass.

ALLNUT (laughs) She ought to look her best, huh? Representin', as she does, 
the Royal Navy! I think I even got a flag around somewhere.

ROSE (delighted): Charlie!

ALLNUT: Why, we'll sail out of these reeds proud as a dreadnought. (beat) 
Rosie?

ROSE: Yes, Charlie?

ALLNUT: Uh... now, there ain't no use of both of us doin' it. As you can 
plainly see, it's a - it's a one man job.

ROSE: Oh, you couldn't be more right, Charlie, dear.

ALLNUT: Now, Rosie, I'm glad you agree. When the time comes, I'll put you off 
here on the east shore. You'll wait for me while I attend to the Louisa.

ROSE: Oh, certainly not. You're the one to put ashore. This whole thing was 
my idea, wasn't it? I'm the logical one to carry it out.

ALLNUT: Rosie, I'm surprised at you. You're a very sensible woman, as a rule. 
Why, with two torpedoes hangin' off our bow, she'll steer entirely different, 
let alone bein' half swamped.

ROSE: Didn't I steer us down the rapids?

ALLNUT: But suppose she broke down out there, wouldn't you look foolish? With 
me, she knows who her boss is, you bet that old engine does.

ROSE: Well, I suppose you're right.

ALLNUT: Now, that's settled.

ROSE: Oh, no, no. I only meant it may be necessary for you to come along.

ALLNUT: Come along?! Oh, no, you don't! You'll wait for me on the east shore.

ROSE: Who do you think you are, ordering me about?!

ALLNUT: I'm the captain, that's who! An' I ain't takin' you along. You'd only 
be in my way.

ROSE: I suppose I was in your way going down the rapids. Then what you said 
to me back there on the river was a lie! How you never could have done it 
alone! How you'd lost your - lost your heart and everything and-- Oh! You 
liar! (calms down suddenly) Oh, Charlie! Charlie, we're - we're having our 
first quarrel.

ALLNUT: Oh, Rosie. It's just that I - I can't bear the thought of you, well, 
supposing that anything should happen -- not that anything will.

ROSE: Don't you understand, Charlie? I - I wouldn't want to go on without you.

ALLNUT: Rosie. All right. It'll be you at the tiller and me at the engine, 
just like it was from the start.

ROSE: I knew you'd see it, Charlie, dear. Thank you.

MUSICAL UP AND DOWN

ALLNUT: There she is, Rosie! That's the Louisa, right on time!

ROSE: There's no smoke from her stacks.

ALLNUT: It's the wind, Sweetheart, it's blowin' the smoke fast as it comes 
out.

ROSE: I don't like this wind.

ALLNUT: Me, neither, Rosie. It's gonna storm.

ROSE: But if it storms tonight, there'll be less chance of them seeing us. 
Maybe a storm would be a blessing, Charlie.

ALLNUT: That's the way to look at it, Rosie ol' girl. Now, let's you and me 
get started on them detonators.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

BOAT ENGINE

STORM IN PROGRESS

ALLNUT: We're not makin' any time, Rosie! Somethin's wrong!

ROSE: I can't steer, Charlie!

ALLNUT: We're takin' too much water in the bow! It's them torpedoes, weighin' 
us down!

ROSE: Charlie, look! Those waves!

ALLNUT: Hang on, Rosie!

WAVE HITS THE BOAT

ROSE: Charlie, the torpedoes! They've torn loose!

ALLNUT: Worse than that, we're sinking, Rosie!

ROSE: The tiller's gone! Something broke!

ALLNUT: Everything's broke! Grab the preserver, Rosie, and then jump!

ROSE: Charlie! Charlie!

ALLNUT: Rosie!

MUSICAL BRIDGE

SHIP ENGINE - MEN'S VOICES

CAPTAIN (with a German accent): You! I will remind you just once more, you 
are a prisoner aboard the steamship Louisa of His Imperial Majesty's Navy.

ALLNUT (listlessly): Yeah. Yeah, I know.

CAPTAIN: You will tell us the truth! Now, what is your nationality? French? 
Belgian? British?

ALLNUT: Yeah.

CAPTAIN: Yes, what?

ALLNUT: Uh, uh, British.

CAPTAIN: What are you doing in these waters?

ALLNUT: Uh, uh, fishing. Yeah. Fishin' off the island.

CAPTAIN: You're a spy for the British! Well, do you deny this?

ALLNUT: I - I told you I was fishin'.

CAPTAIN (speaks German to men who answer in kind; then, to Allnut): 
Obviously, you're lying. But it does not matter. This court will sentence you 
to be hanged.

(another exchange in German)

CAPTAIN (to Allnut): You! There was a woman with you.

ALLNUT (suddenly comes to life): Rosie!

CAPTAIN: You will answer my question! (to a German) Bringen sie frau herr.

ALLNUT: Rosie!

ROSE: Charlie!

CAPTAIN: Who is this woman?

ALLNUT (listless again): I don't know.

CAPTAIN: You called her by name!

ALLNUT: I thought she was somebody else.

ROSE: Charlie!

CAPTAIN: Who are you?

ROSE (with great dignity): Miss Rose Sayre.

CAPTAIN: What were you doing on the lake?

ALLNUT: I ain't told 'em nothin', Rosie!

CAPTAIN (to Allnut): Silence! (to Rose) What were you doing on the lake?

ROSE: We were boating.

CAPTAIN: As your fellow prisoner is about to learn, the penalty for lying to 
us is death!

ROSE: Charlie! (to the Captain) Very well, then. We came here to--

ALLNUT: Rosie, no!

ROSE: To sink this ship. Charlie, dear, at least, let's have the pleasure of 
telling them.

ALLNUT: Now, don't you believe her, Your Honor, she's tetched, you know -- 
fever.

CAPTAIN (skeptical throughout): And just how, Fraulein, did you propose to 
sink the [?] Louisa?

ROSE: Why, with torpedoes.

CAPTAIN: Torpedoes?

ROSE: Yes. Mr. Allnut made them.

CAPTAIN: Made them? Amazing.

ROSE: Charlie, tell them how you made the torpedoes.

ALLNUT (chuckles): Well, ya - well, you see, what I did was, I-I took the 
heads off, uh, two cylinders of oxygen, I filled them up with live explosives 
-- about two hundred weight -- now, that was easy enough but it was the 
detonators took some doing -- and you know what I used? Cartridges and nails 
and blocks of soft wood. 

(Germans murmur to themselves)

CAPTAIN: Go on, please.

ALLNUT (chuckles): Then I took the two cylinders and hung them port and 
starboard on the bow of the African Queen so's when we rammed ya, bloof!

CAPTAIN: And where is the African Queen?

ROSE: She sank last night in the storm.

CAPTAIN: Too bad. I should like to have seen those torpedoes.

ROSE: Perhaps you will. They'll still be floating around somewhere nearby.

ALLNUT: Yeah, they could still sink this ship, Rosie.

CAPTAIN: Enough of this torpedo nonsense. (speaks German to the men who 
respond in kind; then, to Rose and Allnut) You have five minutes in which to 
reconsider. Tell us the truth ... or you will both be hanged.

ROSE: We've told the truth. Haven't we, Charlie?

ALLNUT: Yeah and we, uh, we got a favor to ask, Your Honor.

CAPTAIN: Well?

ALLNUT: Well, uh, uh, you're the captain, I guess.

CAPTAIN: I am.

ALLNUT: Well, um, uh, then you could marry us.

ROSE: Oh, Charlie! What a lovely idea.

CAPTAIN: What kind of craziness is this?

ALLNUT: Come on, Captain, it won't even take five minutes. And it'll mean 
such a lot to the lady.

CAPTAIN: If you wish it, absolutely. Very well. What are the names again?

ALLNUT: Charles.

ROSE: Rosie, uh, Rose.

(German exchange, the Captain asks for a Bible)

ROSE: Charlie, look! A Bible.

CAPTAIN: Look at me, both of you. Do you, Charles, take this woman to be your 
lawful wedded wife?

ALLNUT: Yes, sir!

CAPTAIN: Do you, Rose, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

ROSE: I do.

CAPTAIN: Then by the authority vested in me by His Imperial Majesty, Kaiser 
Wilhelm the Second, I pronounce you are man and wife. Proceed with the 
execution.

OFFICER: Ab mit den beiden Gefangenen nach Achtern und los mit der 
Hinrichtung!

THE MEN: (mutter)

ROSE (lovingly): Charlie! My husband!

ALLNUT (just as lovingly): Rosie, Rosie!

CAPTAIN: You will follow me, now! At once!

EXPLOSION - MEN YELLING

ROSE: Charlie! The torpedoes!

A SECOND EXPLOSION

ALLNUT: Rosie! We've done it! We've done it!

BRIEF MUSICAL BRIDGE

SLOSHING WATER - MEN HOLLERING

ALLNUT: You all right, Mrs. Allnut? Can you keep swimming?

ROSE: Oh, yes! I never felt so good in my life! We blew her up, Charlie!

ALLNUT (laughs): I guess we did, Rosie!

ROSE: The wreckage of the African Queen - that did it! They rammed the Louisa 
right into it! How do you feel, Mr. Allnut?

ALLNUT: Pretty good for an old married man!

ROSE: I'm all turned around, Charlie! Which way is the east shore?

ALLNUT: The way we're swimming, old girl. (sings) There was a bold fisherman, 
set sail from off Pimlico, to catch the ...

ROSE AND ALLNUT (singing together): ... bold figgy and the gay mack-a-rool ...

MUSIC IN AND OUT - APPLAUSE

KEN CARPENTER: In a moment, our stars will return.

FRANCES SCULLY: Are you blaming stocking runs on the stockings themselves? 
Well, perhaps you're making a big mistake.

KEN CARPENTER: Yes. Look, the blame may belong to the way you wash stockings. 
You may be wearing out your stockings in the wash. Harsh washings with strong 
wash day products were never meant for delicate nylons.

FRANCES SCULLY: Cobweb sheer nylons need delicate care -- really special 
care. Always wash your stockings gently in pure Lux Flakes. Nylons thrive on 
gentle washings in safe Lux lather. You see, Lux Flakes melt completely into 
a silky cleansing foam and each gentle washing in Lux has a special action 
that keeps nylon thread strong as new, washing after washing, wearing after 
wearing. Lux Flakes care doubles stocking wear. That's like getting an extra 
pair of nylons with every pair you buy. Start giving your stockings safe Lux 
Flakes care tomorrow. Ninety-five per cent of stocking manufacturers 
recommend Lux. Lux Flakes are guaranteed by Lever Brothers Company.

KEN CARPENTER: Now, here's Mr. Cummings with our stars.

IRVING CUMMINGS: And here they are, coming forward for a well-deserved 
curtain call, Humphrey Bogart and Greer Garson.

APPLAUSE

IRVING CUMMINGS: We certainly suffered every step of the way with you two on 
the trip of the African Queen.

HUMPHREY BOGART: Irving, I, uh, I remember another safari full of hardships 
that you and I made, uh, quite a long time ago.

GREER GARSON: A safari, Bogie? What? To Africa?

HUMPHREY BOGART: Well, no. To Palm Springs.

LAUGHTER

IRVING CUMMINGS: It was Bogie's first picture in Hollywood and I was the 
director. We went on location to Palm Springs and it was a hundred and twenty 
in the shade.

HUMPHREY BOGART: Only there was no shade.

LAUGHTER

IRVING CUMMINGS: Well, you should have seen Bogie in his first love scenes.

HUMPHREY BOGART (chuckles): I - I couldn't see the girl for the water 
dripping in my eyes.

LAUGHTER

GREER GARSON: But it doesn't sound as if you were having exactly a circus.

HUMPHREY BOGART (struggling with his line): No, but, er, er, no, but my 
latest picture is, er, just happens to be "Battle Circus" co-starring June 
Allyson -- I'll get into it -- See, I've been, uh--

LAUGHTER

HUMPHREY BOGART: I've been working at your home studio, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

GREER GARSON: Well, I congratulate you, Bogie. You know we make only the very 
best pictures over there.

IRVING CUMMINGS: We mentioned one on the Lux Radio Theater recently -- 
"Plymouth Adventure" starring Spencer Tracy, Gene Tierney, Van Johnson and 
Leo Genn.

HUMPHREY BOGART: I, uh, I don't think Greer would like that. It's all about 
the Pilgrims leaving England and sailing for America on the Mayflower.

GREER GARSON: Oh, we English think it's a great idea. We've been doing it 
ever since.

LAUGHTER

IRVING CUMMINGS: We're always glad to welcome our English cousins -- 
particularly you lovely actresses with those beautiful complexions.

GREER GARSON: Oh, thank you. We're glad to adopt your way of caring for those 
complexions -- with Lux Soap. I think it's wonderful.

IRVING CUMMINGS: And you'll both think next week's show is wonderful. It's 
such a great story that it's been made into a picture five different times. 
And we're going to bring you the inspiring Twentieth Century-Fox version of 
Victor Hugo's immortal classic "Les Miserables" -- and from the original cast 
we have the lovely Debra Paget and that fine actor Robert Newton. And in the 
unforgettable role of Jean Valjean, another great Academy Award winner, 
Ronald Colman.

CROWD OOHS AND AHHS

HUMPHREY BOGART: That'll be a swell show! Good night, Irving.

APPLAUSE

GREER GARSON: Good night.

IRVING CUMMINGS: Good night and happy holidays. (pause) Now here's Ken 
Carpenter with news about mouth health. Ken?

KEN CARPENTER: Millions of Americans have found that Chlorident Toothpaste 
does more to give you a clean fresh mouth than any other dentifrice. And now 
here's proof that Chlorident gives you a healthy mouth, too. Wholly in the 
interest of child health, Chlorident was tested under the supervision of 
dentists at Father Flanagan's famous Boys' Town in Nebraska. In this 
research, Chlorident and a fine white toothpaste were used regularly by 
different groups of youngsters. And, in just sixty days, dentists found that 
three-fourths of the boys using Chlorident showed dramatic improvement in 
mouth health. Chlorident was actually proved twice as effective as the fine 
white toothpaste for quickly reducing acute gingivitis, a common mouth 
ailment. And that's another reason why Lever Brothers Company unconditionally 
guarantees that Chlorident does more for you than any other toothpaste -- 
white, ammoniated, or chlorophyll -- to give you a clean, fresh, healthy 
mouth. Make sure you get the toothpaste used in this Boys' Town research. Ask 
for Chlorident!

MUSIC: Lux Theme

IRVING CUMMINGS: Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, 
invite you to be with us again next Monday evening when the Lux Radio Theater 
presents Ronald Colman, Debra Paget and Robert Newton in "Les Miserables." 
This is Irving Cummings saying good night to you from Hollywood.

APPLAUSE

KEN CARPENTER: Heard in our cast tonight were John Dodsworth as the Reverend 
and Harald Dryenforth and Hans Conried as the German officers. Our radio play 
was adapted by S. H. Barnet and our music was directed by Rudy Schraeger.

MUSIC OUT

DRUMS IN

ANNOUNCER WITH RHYTHM: Trust Silverdust! Trust Silverdust! 
Trust Silverdust to give you more for your money! 
With a goodwill offer that's really a honey!
Trust Silverdust!

DRUMS OUT

ANNOUNCER: New, improved Silverdust -- wonder bubble suds for laundry and 
dishes -- now makes you this amazing goodwill offer. Inside every large-size 
Silverdust, you get as an extra: a genuine Kennan face cloth. It's big! Soft! 
Fluffy! Lovely pastel colors! Worth up to fifteen cents! Remember, in large-
size Silverdust, you get this genuine Kennan face cloth as an extra! Try 
Silverdust! See how it safely digs out dirt -- gets clothes cleaner -- speeds 
dishwashing -- kind to your hands! Yes, Silverdust! A great washing product, 
with a Kennan face cloth inside, gives you more for your money than any other 
washing product! That's guaranteed!

DRUMS IN 

ANNOUNCER WITH RHYTHM: Get the large-size box of Silverdust
With the big Kennan face cloth -- as an extra -- today!

DRUMS OUT

MUSIC: Lux Theme

KEN CARPENTER: Lever Brothers Company unconditionally guarantees the quality 
and performance of Lux Toilet Soap, Lux Flakes, Chlorident Toothpaste and 
Silverdust -- or your money refunded. This is your announcer, Ken Carpenter, 
reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear "Les Miserables" 
starring Ronald Colman, Debra Paget and Robert Newton.

APPLAUSE

KEN CARPENTER: This is the CBS radio network.

APPLAUSE AND MUSIC OUT 




______________________________________
Originally broadcast: 15 December 1952


1