The Al Pearce Show

(FINAL DRAFT)

	THE AL PEARCE SHOW FOR CAMEL CIGARETTES

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 1941			4:30 - 5:00 P.M., PST.
Program No. 48				7:30 - 8:00 P.M., PST.

================================================================

ELMER:		(KNOCKS) S'pose you're all smoking Camel cigarettes,

		I hope, I hope, I hope...


MUSIC:		(THEME...FADE TO WENDELL NILES)

WENDELL:	Ladies and gentlemen -- CAMEL -- the slower-burning

		cigarette of costlier tobaccos -- bring you, from 

		Hollywood -- AL PEARCE and his Gang!

MUSIC:		(THEME...UP TO AL PEARCE)

[page 2]

AL:		Good evening, friends, and welcome to this Friday night

		of -- well, I don't know exactly what to call it. You

		see we've got so many surprises on the show tonight that

		even I'm not sure what's coming next. In fact, it

		wouldn't surprise me a bit if the Voice of Spring walked

		right out here on our stage and --

MUSIC:		(FLUTE PLAYS TWO BARS OF "SPRING SONG")

RAYMOND:	Gweetings, Mr. Pearwuss.

AL:		Raymond, if you're the Voice of Spring, why didn't you

		come in dancing.

RAYMOND:	I couldn't dance now. My muscles are all tied in knots.

AL:		Oh. Lumbago?

RAYMOND:	No -- wumboogie.

AL:		How do you know you're the Voice of Spring?

RAYMOND:	Oh, I'm the dewdwop on the vine, twa wa,

		That the witto birdies sip

		I'm the waindwop in the sky, twa wa

		Boy, am I a dwip

		I'm the bwossoms on the twees, twa wa

		Where witto wobins nap

		I'm the weaves, the wimbs, the twunk, twa wa

		Gee, I wonder if I'm the sap

		I'm the sun the moon, the stars, twa wa

		I'm the cwouds above so fweecey

AL:		Raymond, how could you be all those things tra la?

RAYMOND:	Mr. Pearwuss, it wasn't easy.

		(APPLAUSE)

[3]

AL:		(SOTTO VOCE) "The Voice of Spring, Tra la!"

		Well, now that spring is over -- tonight, in addition to

		many surprises, we have with us as our guest of honor

		Miss Joan Whitney, of the song writing team of

		Whitney, Kramer and Zaret. So while I go backstage and

		count surprises, we'll have Carl Hoff and his

		Camel Orchestra get the show under way with one of

		Joan Whitney's hit tunes -- "So You're the One."

ORCHESTRA 					"SO YOU'RE THE ONE"

[Song is crossed out. "Too Happy for Words" is written in.]

[4]

AL:		Well, thanks, Carl, and now, friends, for surprise number

		one on the show tonight -- you can't guess who I'm going

		to introduce and believe me, this is a surprise!

TIZZIE:		HELLO, FOLKSIES!

		(APPLAUSE)

AL:		Yes, the one and only Tizzie Lish in person!

TIZZIE:		Well, this is your little surprise package all righty --

		my, I'm so thrilled!

AL:		Well, Tizzie, you are certainly looking good these days.

TIZZIE:		Yes, and I'm just full of vitamins tonight, Tubby. I'm

		full of A, B, B1, C, D and I think I have just a little

		of the Old H--- in me tonight, too -- wow!

AL:		Well, Tizzie, I know everybody would like to know what

		you've been doing since you left the gang.

TIZZIE:		Well, here is a real surprise -- guess what? And all the

		men will be so disappointed! I married a retired Colonel

		in the Army -- uh huh.

AL:		So that's what put you out of circulation.

TIZZIE:		Well, not exactly, Tubby. You see, he's back in the Army

		again. I guess it's on account of the draft, don't you

		think? Or don't you?

AL:		Well, Tizzie, I'm sure everybody would like to hear one

		of those famous recipes again. How about it?

[5]

TIZZIE:		Okay, Tubby, I would like to say, though, that my husband

		is Scotch -- I'm Mrs. McPherson, and just the other day

		we had our picture taken with me sitting on his lap.

		Even the photographer said it was wonderful -- he said

		it was the first time he ever saw a Scotchman holding the

		bag. I just had to get married, though. You just can't

		depend on these men these days. I was engaged to a sculptor

		here in Hollywood and I affected him so he got mixed up in

		his work, I guess -- he was kissing the statues and

		chiseling on me. And here is a real surprise, too. I'm

		going to cook at one of the Army camps. All the boys

		are calling me Miss Columbia at the camp. The other day

		I went down there to give them a sample of my cooking.

		When I got off the train they all hollered 'Hail, Columbia'

		-- I think they said 'Hail.'

		Now our recipe tonight. We're going to make something

		new. No one has ever eaten it before -- and lived. It's

		called 'Corn a la Foo Foo, or Soft Corn.' First, open

		twenty-one cans of corn. Now open one can of molasses

		and put your hands in it. Got it? Now run your

		hands through your hair. I'll wait for you -- (SING)

		"I Dream of Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair." Sticky,

		isn't it? Now take two ears of corn and cut it off the

		cob -- now put it back. Isn't that fun? Now open the

		oven and put your headie in -- dark, isn't it? Now turn

		(CONTINUED)

[6]

		on the gas in the oven, but don't light it, and stay there

		for five minutes. Doesn't that do something to you? Now

		mix what you have together until it forms sort of a corn

		plaster. When guests arrive, sprinkle some cracked corn

		on top and serve. When they look at you just say, 'Kind

		of corny, isn't it?'

		And now as they say about mint sauce, I guess I'll have

		to take it on the lamb, so I'll leave as the old man said

		when I told him I was so high class I just went around with

		the upper set -- 'Come back when you get your lowers,

		Tizzie!'

ORCHESTRA:	(CHASER)

[7]

ORCHESTRA:	(MUSICAL SKYROCKET FADE TO AL PEARCE)

PEARCE:		Friends -- you've all heard the expression "I'm from

		Missouri -- I want to be shown." Well -- you know

		we're all from Missouri when it comes to our

		cigarettes. We want to be shown. All right -- I'll

		show you. Light up a slower-burning Camel and smoke

		it. For the proof of the pleasure in a cigarette

		is in the smoking -- in the smoke. For it's there

		you'll find that famous Camel flavor -- more coolness,

		too. As for mildness, you'll get extra mildness

		in Camels -- with less nicotine in the smoke.

		Twenty-eight per cent less nicotine than the average

		of the four other largest-selling cigarettes tested,

		less than any of them, according to independent

		scientific tests of the smoke itself. And this all

		means more smoking pleasure for you. There's economy

		in slower-burning Camels, too -- more actual puffs per

		cigarette per pack. So next time -- get Camels. Buy

		that Camel carton your dealer is featuring right now

		for extra economy and convenience.

ORCHESTRA:	(MUSICAL CURTAIN)

[8]

AL:		Friends, as I announced earlier in the program, we have with

		us tonight as one of our guests, one of the youngest and one

		of the most phenomenal song writers of the day,

		Miss Joan Whitney. I would like to have you meet her.

		(APPLAUSE)

		(AD LIB CUES FOR AL)

AL:		(ASK JOAN HOW OLD SHE IS)

JOAN:		(ANSWERS)

AL:		(HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WRITING SONGS?)

JOAN:		(ANSWERS)

AL:		I am sure our audience will be interested in knowing that
		you wrote "So You're the One," "It All Comes Back to me Now"
		and "High on a Windy Hill."

		(APPLAUSE)

		I also understand that the new song, "My Sister and I" is
		one of yours.

		(JOAN AFFIRMS THIS)

		I heard Connie Boswell sing it last night on Bing's show and
		it was really beautiful, and I know everyone is predicting
		it will be a big hit.

AL:		(HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO START WRITING SONGS?)

JOAN:		(ANSWERS)

[9]

AL:		(ANY TROUBLE SELLING THEM?)

JOAN:		(JOAN STATES SHE WORE OUT ABOUT THIRTY PAIRS OF SHOES

		MAKING THE ROUNDS OF THE PUBLISHERS.)

AL:		AS RAYMOND WOULD SAY: "IT WASN'T EASY."

		(FEEL LOTS OF PEOPLE COULD PROBABLY WRITE TOO IF THEY JUST

		WEREN'T AFRAID TO TRY. THEY THINK THEY DON'T HAVE A CHANCE

		BUT YOU HAVE PROVEN THE FACT THAT EVERYONE DOES HAVE A

		CHANCE ETC.)

		(BRINGING OUT HER PERSONAL STRUGGLE IN GAINING RECOGNITION

		AND OFFERING ENCOURAGEMENT TO EMBRYO WRITERS.)

		AT FINISH

JOAN:		Well, I sincerely appreciate all of this, Al, but really

		it isn't just the song writers who are responsible for the

		success of their own songs -- the success of a number

		depends a great deal upon who sings it and how it is sung.

AL:		I know Just what you mean. I want you to meet

		Eileen Wilson, who is going to sing "High on a Windy Hill."


		REGARDING EILEEN WILSON

		NEWCOMER

		STUDENT AT U.C.L.A.

		FEATURED LOCALLY ON KNX

		HAS NEVER DONE TRANSCONTINENTAL BROADCAST

		(CONTINUED)

[9-A]

AL:		After our audience hears Eileen Wilson sing
(Cont'd)
		"High on a Windy Hill," I am sure they will know what

		Joan Whitney meant when she said "it all depends upon

		how a song is sung."

ORCHESTRA:	"HIGH ON A WINDY HILL"			EILEEN WILSON

[10]

WENDELL:	To change from key to key without any knowledge of music -

		is an art. But to go from door to door without any

		knowledge at all -- isn't an art -- it's an Elmer. Today

		we find the world's super low pressure salesman, Elmer

		Blurt, selling Miracle Throat Spray guaranteed to give

		singers a voice of silver. Good luck, Elmer.

ELMER:		Oh golly, what with spring and all, there oughta be a lot

		of singers around about today, I hope, I hope, I hope...

BLANCHE:	(OFF MIKE) PRACTISING CORNY SCALES WITH PIANO BACKGROUND)

ELMER:		Golly, listen to that purty singing. I bet I can sell my

		Miracle Throat Spray at that house, I betcha!

BLANCHE:	(WARBLES AGAIN)

ELMER:		That lady's either practising singing or else she's

		hollering for help!

SOUND:		DOOR KNOCK

BLANCHE:	(STILL OFF MIKE) (SINGING) Oh, I sing like the wind, with

		a whistle and a rustle, with a whistle and a rustle, with

		a whistle and a rustle:

ELMER:		Golly, sounds more like she's got a thistle in her bustle!

SOUND:		LOUDER KNOCK AND DOOR OPEN

BLANCHE:	Don't bother me! Can't you see I'm practising?

ELMER:		Well, lady, I'm selling...

[11]

BLANCHE:	(SINGS VERY LOUD) Do re mi fa, fa, fa (FLATS ON FA)

ELMER:		I say I'm selling...

BLANCHE:	(SINGS) Do re mi fa fa! FA! (FLAT AGAIN) Oh dear!

		I'm not getting "fa!"

ELMER:		I'm not getting very fa' myself!...

SOUND:		DOOR SLAM

ELMER:		That lady and I must be working on the same scale. She

		can't get "fa" and I can't get any dough. Oh golly, look

		at Mr. McTavish up on his roof. Hello, Mr. McTavish, what

		are you doin' up there?

MCTAVISH:	Greetings, laddie. This is our weddin' anniversary and I

		promised to take my wife to the baseball game today so I'm

		buildin' a little bonfire up here.

ELMER:		What's the fire for?

MCTAVISH:	Just a bit of economical strategy, laddie. When the

		neighbors see the smoke, they'll call the fire department,

		and as soon as the firemen start squirtin' water on the

		roof, I'll rush in and tell my wife the game's been called

		off on account of rain.

ELMER:		Yup, yup, I guess you can save a lot of money with a little

		smoke. Them Camel people always say "The Smoke's the

		thing."

MCTAVISH:	Well, what are you sellin' today, laddie. Not that I want

		to buy anything.

[12]

ELMER:		I'm sellin' Miracle Throat Spray. Is your wife a singer?

MCTAVISH:	She used to be, but she's got laryngitis and can't raise

		her voice above a whisper.

ELMER:		Well, this throat spray is just the thing to make her voice

		good and loud again.

MCTAVISH:	Oh, no, laddie, I wouldn't think of changing my wife's

		voice. Since she's had laryngitis, my little son, Angus,

		can't hear her when she calls him to dinner, and in three

		days, mind you, that's meant a saving of HALF A CARROT,

		THREE RAISINS, AND A LETTUCE LEAF! Good day, laddie.

ELMER:		Poor little Angus -- missing all them meals. I guess

		that's what Grandma meant when she said, "a soft word

		turneth away Angus." Well, I'll try just one more door

		before I knock myself out for the day.

SOUND:		KNOCK ON DOOR...DOOR OPEN

ELMER:		Howja do, lady, are you a singer?

VERNA:		Well, I've always wanted to be one, but my voice is not

		good.

ELMER:		That's a pretty good excuse -- Well, lady, I have just

		what you need -- Miracle Throat Spray -- it gives you a

		voice of silver. Only one dollar.

[13]

VERNA:		Do you think it would do that for Me? You know, I think

		I'll try it...here's your dollar.

ELMER:		Oh thanks, lady, and here's your Miracle Throat Spray.

		Good day.

VERNA:		Wait a minute. I want to try it. Do I just spray it in my

		throat like this?

ELMER:		Yup, yup, yup...

SOUND:		SPRAYING WITH ATOMIZER...BUT HEAVY

VERNA:		Now listen (STARTS SINGING...MI, MI, MI, MI...AND MEL BLENDS

		IN WITH A HORSE WHINNY)

VERNA:		Good Heavens, what's happened to my voice? You said this

		would give me a voice of silver.

ELMER:		Well, lady, you got it -- Hi Yo Silver!

VERNA:		Get out of here.

SOUND:		DOOR SLAM

ORCHESTRA:	(CHASER)

[14]

NILES:		Say, Al -- do you mind if I use the phone?

AL:		Why no, go ahead, Wen.

NILES:		Hello, I want Main two -- eight.

SOUND:		CLICK OF PHONE

MAN:		(HOARSE WHISPER) Hello!

NILES:		Hello -- anybody home?

MAN:		No -- we've all gone out.

NILES:		Say, what number is this?

MAN:		You ought to know -- you called it.

SOUND:		JIGGLE PHONE

NILES:		Operator -- you gave me the wrong number. I want Main

		two -- eight.

OPERATOR:	(TYPICAL OPERATOR) I am sorry. But I did not get your

		number.

NILES:		Main two -- eight.

OPERATOR:	M as in Mulligatawny?

NILES:		No -- M as in mildness -- the extra mildness you get in a

		slower-burning Camel.

OPERATOR:	Your number, please.

NILES:		Main two -- eight.

OPERATOR:	Three -- eight?

[15]

NILES:		No! Two -- eight. Two -- eight. Twenty-eight as in

		twenty-eight per cent less nicotine in the smoke of Camels.

		Twenty-eight per cent less nicotine than the average of the

		four other largest selling cigarettes tested...less than any

		of them, according to independent scientific tests of the

		smoke itself. (EXCITED AND SORE) Now, operator, do you

		understand me?

OPERATOR:	I suggest you keep cool, puleeze.

NILES:		They are. They're extra cool and extra flavorful, too! And

		if you don't believe me -- just light a Camel and smoke out

		the facts for yourself!

OPERATOR:	I am sorry but the line is busy.

NILES:		Busy? Why should it be busy?

OPERATOR:	This is a party line and everyone that heard you is calling

		his store for slower-burning Camels!

ORCHESTRA:	(MUSICAL CHASER)

		(NOTE: CARL, PLAY SCREWY ONE HERE)

[16]

AL:		Carl, there was a thing of beauty. You certainly outdid

		yourself that time.

CARL:		I had to, with another composer on the show.

AL:		Oh, a little professional jealousy? Well, what is the name

		of that masterpiece, Mr. Hoff?

CARL:		"Little Boy Blue Come Blow Your Horn, the Cow's in the

		Meadow, the Sheep's in the Corn."

AL:		Wait a minute -- "the Sheep's in the Meadow, the Cow's in

		the Corn."

CARL:		Egads -- are those two mixed up again?

AL:		Well, all we need now is one more composer on this program --

KITZEL:		Hi yi yo Rancho Grande -- I write songs for every bandy.

AL:		Kitzel, this is the last straw. You know very well you're

		not a song writer.

KITZEL:		I'm not a song writer?

AL:		You've never written a note.

KITZEL:		I've never written a note.

AL:		Absolutely not!

KITZEL:		Mr. Pearce, are you going to stand there in your wedgies and

		tell me you've never heard of Pitch-Pipe Kitzel? The Tin Pan

		Alley-rat? Er -- cat -- er hep cat...Better make that

		Basin Street.

[17]

AL:		Kitzel, I'll bet you that you can't name three songs

		you've written.

KITZEL:		Three songs! Pish posh! I'll go you one better. I'll

		bet you I can't even name two!

AL:		Kitzel -- here's your last chance: Can you name one

		song you've written?

KITZEL:		Ah -- truth or consequences?

AL:		I want the truth, of course.

KITZEL:		Well, that handicaps me a trifle, but...ah...well there's

		my famous "Quartette from Luccia." --

AL:		Quartette? Don't you mean Sextette?

KITZEL:		Two of them were drafted. I wish you could hear it

		sometime, Mr. Pearce...It's Opus thirty-seven, Part Two,

		Cadenza Six, Track Nine.

AL:		What train?

KITZEL:		Sixteen, leaving for Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Omaha, --

		WHAT AM I SAYING?

AL:		All right, calm down and tell me about your Quartette

		from Luccia.

KITZEL:		Oh, it's magnificent. First the tenor starts out

		allegro, then the baritone takes it fortissimo to animato,

		then andante to capriccio to Di Maggio --

[18]

AL:		Just a minute, Kitzel, Di Maggio is a baseball player,

		not a musical term.

KITZEL:		All right, so we need a first base in the quartette!

AL:		Kitzel, there's only one thing for you to do. Prove

		you're a song writer by singing one of your own songs

		right now.

KITZEL:		You mean me -- sing my own song?

AL:		Yes. (LAUGHS) Well, I guess we finally caught up with

		Kitzel this time, fellas!

KITZEL:		(IMITATES AL'S LAUGH...BUT PRETTY INEFFECTUALLY)

AL:		Well, go ahead, Kitzel...

KITZEL:		I'm really not in voice.

AL:		Oh, so you're going to back down. That's just what I

		figured, Kitzel...

KITZEL:		Now don't got so uppity puppity, my little man...I'll

		have you to know that -- (GOES INTO THE SONG)

ORCHESTRA AND KITZEL AND SEXTETTE:		"MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE"

		(LYRICS ON NEXT PAGE)

[19]

KITZEL:		I can write a rhumba that's a honey

		A sonata or a silly symphony.

SEXTETTE:	But all you ever wrote was home for money.

KITZEL:		MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!

		I'm the bard who's always coast-to-coasting

		In the jukes my tunes are rated one-two-three

SEXTETTE:	Now, Kitzel, that sounds like you're really boasting.

KITZEL:		MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!

GIRLS:		You could be a Bach or Brahms, Stokowski or a poet

BOYS:		You could be a hot air hound and we would never know it

KITZEL:		Please believe me when I say I'm really not a phony

		You like me, don't you, Mr. Pearce?

AL:		Sure, I like baloney!

KITZEL:		Have you heard my latest compsis'on?

		It's called Jeanie with the Slightly Brown Toupe.

AL:		Now, Kitzel, don't you call that plagiarism?

KITZEL:		MMMMMMMM -- my, oh my, have they changed the title again?

		(SHORT INTERLUDE WITH BACKGROUND OF MUSIC FOR NEXT

		TWO LINES)

[20]

AL:		(SPEAK) Well, Kitzel, I've certainly misjudged you. I

		never dreamed you have such talent.

KITZEL:		(SPEAK) Yes, I'm a genius

		(SING) I'm a super superman you bet you

		With more extras than a Camel, I'll agree.

AL:		You mean the squirrels would walk a mile to get

		you?

KITZEL:		MMMMMMMMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!

ORCHESTRA:	(BUMPER TO AL PEARCE)

[21]

AL:		Friends, next week we will continue our grab bag of

		surprises and believe you me, you'll never guess who

		will be on next Friday night -- I don't know myself.

		However, our friends in Washington, D. C. will be

		interested in knowing that our radio guest star of the

		week will be Alyce Winstead of Station WJSV.

WENDELL:	And, in the meantime, for your smoking enjoyment, try

		Camels, the cigarette that gives you the extras, and

		brings you extra fun with Al Pearce every Friday.

AL:		Good night, friends, don't forget to tune in next Friday

		night. So long, good luck and remember to smoke Camels.

ORCHESTRA:	(THEME TO WENDELL)

[22]

WENDELL:	Pipe fans: get in the picture of true smoking joy.

		A single load of Prince Albert introduces you to the

		true mildness, mellow taste, and rich fragrance of

		P.A.'s choice tobacco -- crimp cut and no-bite treated

		for cooler burning. Prince Albert is easy on the

		tongue. P.A. stays lit, and helps your pipe cake up

		better, too. Try Prince Albert -- the National Joy

		Smoke!

		This is Wendell Niles...speaking...

		This is the COLUMBIA...BROADCASTING SYSTEM!


1