Your Hollywood Parade

[Nine short dramatic sketches by Arch Oboler used on the 1937-38 variety hour 
Your Hollywood Parade, sponsored by the American Tobacco Company, makers of 
Lucky Strike cigarettes.]

The Valley

[8 December 1937] [HOST DICK] POWELL: "Your Hollywood Parade" moves along, and brings you another Hollywood highlight -- one of the most talked-about stars in Pictureville ..... Tonight, Mr. Lucky Strike is host to Gary Cooper, a star who is always right up there among the leaders in your parade of favorites ... Tonight Gary shows us still another side of his acting ability in a rather different form of drama, which we might call a "solo in the spoken word." ..... A tribute to the West, the title paints the picture for us ... It is called "The Valley" ..... Friends, we give you a great actor and a great fellow -- Gary Cooper! ORCHESTRA: WESTERN THEME ... FADE FOR ... ANNOUNCER: The scene -- a prairie trail winding through great fields of wheat ... It is twilight. SOUND: HORSES HOOFS IN SANDY GROUND ... CONTINUE BEHIND ... ANNOUNCER: A man and a girl ride slowly along -- their horses side by side, heads lifted to the homeward trail ... SOUND: HORSES HOOFS UP ... THEN FADE FOR ... TOM: Miss Blaine ... MARION: Yes, Tom? TOM: Mind pullin' up your horse? Whoa! MARION: But Tom, why? SOUND: HORSES HOOFS OUT TOM: Mind givin' me those flowers you picked, Miss Blaine? MARION: (DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT) No ..... TOM: Thanks. MARION: My flowers! .... Why did you throw them over that stone? TOM: It's not just a stone - look at it close. MARION: Why - why there's something carved on it! (READS SLOWLY) "To the memory of Bill Barnes 1820-1860." Why, Tom! It's a headstone! TOM: Yeah ... MARION: (LIGHTLY) Why the sudden sentimentality -- the flowers? "Bill Barnes - 1860." He couldn't have been anyone particularly important. TOM: Wasn't he? MARION: Of course not! I never read about any Bill Barnes in my history book! TOM: (SLOWLY) That's right ... No history books ever noticed Barnes. He never won a war, and he never made a lot of money, and he never made a fancy speech in his life ... But to us, out here, he means a lot .... Let me tell you about him. .... ORCHESTRA: MUSIC UP AND SEGUE TO NEXT THEME TOM: Bill came over the mountains to this valley a long time ago - he and his wife. He didn't come here smooth and easy the way you folks did - No, all Bill and his wife had was a wagon with a couple of tired horses pulling it. It took a long time to get here - a summer and a winter creakin' along mile after mile, day after day - lookin' - lookin' all the time for a place - to make a home ... When at last they found this valley and Bill dug into the ground and made his first house here out of the stones and dirt. He made the walls thick, and that was a good thing, because hardly before he was done, the winds started coming up ... Winds and snow that do more than tear at a man's house - they tear at his heart when he's tired and trail-worn and hungry - the way it was with Bill and his wife ..... ORCHESTRA: MUSIC UP AND SEGUE TO NEXT THEME ... FADE FOR .... TOM: But then at last it was Spring, and the ground started showin' through in black patches, and with that last strength that comes from way deep in you, Bill went out with the seed he'd brought and planted it in that hungry black ground ... And the sun kept comin' out brighter and brighter, and things started growin' and just about when that first wheat was bendin' with the breeze - there was a young one in Bill's house ... Just a handful of a kid ... but Bill and his wife looked at him and they looked at that grain out there, and life seemed awfully good. The grain got high -- turnin' greenish-gold under the hot sun -- goin' higher and higher ... But the sun kept on burnin' too - blazin' in the sky - dryin' out the grain - dryin' out the black earth into a hard, thirsty brown, and dryin' out the hope in Bill and his wife ... And then one day - it was almost too late for rain ... the grain seemed dead -- but Bill and his wife didn't care somehow ... For more than the grain was goin' - the little fella ... as if the end of the grain took away his strength, too. That night was black -- the air still burnin' with heat -- minutes draggin' like hours! And just as mornin' came, pushin' the night outa the cabin, Bill's wife said, "Bill, if he lives we'll go back -- back where we came from!" And Bill looked out where the sun was shovin' up over the edge of the field, and he said, "No! Whatever happens, we'll stay! This is our land -- this is our home." ORCHESTRA: SEGUE TO NEXT THEME .... FADE TOM: And you know -- just as Bill was sayin' those words -- the little fellow on the bed opened his eyes -- and he smiled up as if he wanted to say, "And I'm stayin' with you -- alive." And then -- I'm tellin' you the truth - outside the rain started fallin! .... MUSIC: ... BUILDS .... FADES AGAIN UNDER: TOM: Good rain - warm rain - splatterin' down on the hard, thirsty ground ... And Bill and his wife ran outside, and the rain mixed with the wet on their faces .... Yeah, and the grain grew strong again -- and the little fella grew strong with it -- and in time other babies came and grew with the grain -- and the word spread back across the hills about the gold of Bill's fields, and others started the long journey to the west - and Bill's valley. Just a few covered wagons at first, and then more and more, and then the rails pushed their way through the wheat -- bringin' more home-hungry folks to this golden valley .... ORCHESTRA & CHOIR: MUSIC UP AND SEGUE TO NEXT SCENE .... FADE TOM: No, Miss Blaine - Bill Barnes isn't in any history book - just an ordinary man sleepin' here quiet at the end of a field ... but this stone that marks his rest isn't just a stone - it's a monument - a monument to him and the folks like him who had a dream of home in their hearts, and took their covered wagons and went over the hills and froze and hungered - but above all didn't quit - the folks who dug deep in the ground so the roots of our country would hold steady - (PAUSE - THEN, VIBRANTLY) They made a path for all the rest of us to follow! ORCHESTRA & CHOIR: TRIUMPHANT THEME ... BUILD TO FINISH (APPLAUSE) POWELL: You certainly turned in a swell job there, fella. COOPER: Thanks, Dick. I liked doing it. POWELL: Well, Gary, we appreciate your taking the time off from Paramount to come over here and help us put on a show for our friends. How's the picture going to be? COOPER: It looks good. Ernst Lubitsch is directing and Claudette Colbert is my leading lady. I think you'll like it. POWELL: Sounds good to me. But before you get away I've got a question for you. COOPER: Okay. Shoot. POWELL: Frankly, Gary, we wanted to get [you] here for two reasons. First, to give Mr. And Mrs. America some Cooper entertainment - and second we hoped you'd say a word about Luckies. COOPER: Sure. But what'll I say? POWELL: Well just tell us why you smoke them. COOPER: Well, I just think it's good business for a hard working actor to watch the old larynx. POWELL: The old larynx? COOPER: Yes, larynx ... vocal chord to you, Mr. Powell. But really, Dick, I do think Luckies are a lot easier on my throat. And that's the net of why I smoke them. POWELL: Thanks, Gary, for saying that about Luckies. And thanks for a swell performance. COOPER: Good night and good luck.

I Do

[15 December 1937] POWELL: ... Now one of the stars that shine over Hollywood brings us our next Highlight of the Week, as Mr. Lucky Strike plays host to Henry Fonda .... A swell actor, Henry is going to tackle something a little bit different tonight ... You're going to hear a one-man farce comedy, in which Henry Fonda plays the lead opposite some assorted sound effects .... The title "I Do", suggests wedding bells and orange blossoms, but that all depends upon just how well Mr. Fonda handles the situation in which he finds himself. So just light up a Lucky --- lean back, and relax while Leo Forbstein paints a musical setting for a splendid actor -- Henry Fonda! (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN AND SETTING ... FADE ... POWELL: The scene - an automobile moving swiftly along - at the wheel a tall young man by the name of William Brown. There is a gleam in Mr. Brown's eyes, and a nervous song on his lips, for Mr. Brown is on his way to keep a rendezvous with a license, a preacher, and a certain young lady. IMPRESSIONISTIC MUSIC OF WEDDING MARCH, SEGUE INTO EFFECT OF AUTOMOBILE MOVING ALONG - THIS EFFECT DOWN AND CONTINUING FAR, FAR BACK BEHIND. BILL: (HE IS "DA-DA DUMMING" THE WEDDING MARCH TO HIMSELF - BREAKS OFF WITH:) Do you, William K. Brown, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to love, honor, and so forth? (TRIES VARIOUS INFLECTIONS) I do ... I do ... I do! (SIGHS) ... (BEGINS TO "DA-DE-DUM" WEDDING MARCH AGAIN, BREAKING OFF AFTER A FEW SECONDS WITH:) BILL: Are you nervous, Mr. Brown? No, Mr. Brown isn't nervous! Mr. Brown is a man of iron and steel. Mr. Brown isn't nervous - the only reason he's got this empty feeling inside is because - because (CHUCKLES) He's (HUMS) nervous. (UP ON AUTO EFFECT A LITTLE) BABY CRIES, BACK. BILL: What in the -- SOUND OF AUTOMOBILE COMING TO SUDDEN STOP - SQUEAL OF BRAKES. BABY CRIES AGAIN, BACK. BILL: (AGHAST) Holy sufferin' codfish! BABY CRIES AGAIN, BACK. BILL: Where in the world did that thing come from? BABY WHIMPERS AGAIN, BACK. BILL: (TRYING TO REASSURE HIMSELF) One of us is in the wrong car - BABY BEGINS TO CRY LOUDER. BILL: Now wait a minute - don't do that! BABY CONTINUES TO CRY. BILL: I tell you don't - there's - there's nothing to cry - hey you'll fall off that seat! (WITH EFFORT AS HE REACHES ACROSS TO BACK SEAT AND GETS CHILD.) All right, all right, come on up here! FADE IN BABY'S CRYING FULL TO GIVE IMPRESSION OF BABY BEING LIFTED INTO FRONT SEAT. BILL: A baby! In my car! (WOEFULLY) Why does everything happen to me? Do you - do you bite? BABY CRIES AGAIN. BILL: All right now - take it easy! I didn't mean anything by that - Gosh - I never handled one of you things before! Which end goes up? BABY STOPS CRYING AND BEGINS TO GURGLE DELIGHTEDLY. BILL: Those blankets - here, let me look at you. BABY GURGLES A LITTLE LOUDER. BILL: Say, you're not a very big one, are you? You couldn't have crawled in there, now could you? BABY GURGLES: BILL: (AS IF ANSWERING BABY) No, I didn't think you could - You're a brand new model, aren't you? I mean - oh, I don't know what I mean! I - I never had a baby before! BABY COOS. BILL: Well, what're you grinning about? This is a heck of a spot to be in! I'm on my way to got married! BABY GURGLES: BILL: Yeah, I said married! And now I've got you on my hands! And if I'm late to my own wedding - hey, wait a minute! I get it! It's that smart-aleck best- man of mine - this has got all the earmarks of that corkscrew mind of his! BABY STARTS TO CRY SOFTLY. BILL: Now wait a minute - don't kick those blankets off! I won't know how to put them back on! I mean - (AS HE SEES NOTE) Hey, wait a minute! What's this - Pinned to your -- Hold still, will you? I've got to read it! (READS) BABY CRIES DIE OUT BEHIND. BILL: (CONTINUES - READS) "Dear Friend: I am putting my baby in your care because I think that anyone who can afford such an expensive automobile could afford maybe to take care of just one little baby. Her name is Sally and she is a very good baby, but her father has gone away and I am going with him, so please be good to her and please, please don't give her to an orphanage. God bless you." BABY GURGLES SLEEPILY. BILL: (SLOWLY) Her name is Sally .... My mother's name ... (SHARPLY TO HIDE HIS FEELINGS) Well, what if it is? What can I do with a baby? I'm not even married yet! BABY GURGLES. BILL: No, I'm not trying to give you a line! They're waiting for me at the church right now! Listen, fella - I mean Sally - orphan-homes aren't so bad. Why, look at the size of me - I was brought up in one! BABY COOS. BILL: Yeah, honest I was! 'Course it gets kind of lonely sometimes - I mean around the holidays - you know, Christmas - you see Christmas trees in other kids' windows and you start to thinking - (BREAKS OFF ANGRILY) Say what's the matter with me? Ann waiting for me at the church and here I am playing "Hearts and Flowers!" BABY ON VERGE OF TEARS. BILL: Aw, now - now, Sally, I wasn't yelling at you - only at myself! BABY WHIMPERS APPEALINGLY. BILL: Now please don't talk like that - I can't think straight when you do! And I've got to figure out what to do with you, now don't I? BABY GURGLES: BILL: Yeah, sure, I know she said not to give you to an orphanage (DEFENSIVELY) but what else can I do, Sally? You're such a tiny little thing and I'm such a big awkward galoot - why, you fit right in the palm of my hand! I mean - BABY COOS. BILL: (SLOWLY) I mean - (SOFTLY - APPEALINGLY) What do you wanna hold on to my hand like that for? Be reasonable, kid - how can a guy like me take care of a little bit of something like you? BABY GURGLES AS IF TALKING. BILL: Yeah, I know I'm going to get married, and Ann - well, she's as good a sport as there is, but - but after all, good sport or not, be reasonable, Sally! Would any girl want to take a baby along on a honeymoon? BABY GURGLES AGAIN AS IF TALKING. BILL: All right - if that's what you want - But - but - how'll I tell her? Suppose she doesn't want a baby - Holy smoke! What if she doesn't want a baby? SOUND OF OPENING AUTO DOOR. BILL: I've got to telephone her! There - that store! Mebbe they got a telephone there! OPENING DOOR SHOP - BELL TINKLES - CLOSING DOOR OLD MAN: (FADE IN) Could I help you, sir? BILL: Sorry to bother you, but - but have you a telephone I could use? OLD MAN: Yes, help yourself! Right, there against the wall. BABY COOS. BILL: Thanks! NICKEL DROPPING IN TO SLOT - DIALING SOUND BILL: (THROUGH DIALING - NERVOUSLY) Does she like kids? Doesn't she? Oh - why didn't I ever ask her before - BABY GURGLES BEHIND ABOVE. BILL: (SOTTO) Hello, hello? Is this the church? Listen would you please call Ann Cunningham to the telephone? ... Yeah ... I know she's getting married, but get her to the telephone anyway! But I tell you she's got to come to the telephone! This is Bill Brown! Yeah, that Bill Brown! Hurry! BABY GURGLES. BILL: Now take it easy, Sally - Hello - hello - Ann? It's Bill! No - no, wait, Ann - listen to me! I haven't had a chance to mention this before - but kids - how do you feel about kids? Yeah, little kids! Do you like 'em? You DO? (NOTE: UP IN GREAT EXCITEMENT) That's SWELL! WHY? BABY COOS IN CLOSE. BILL: Well, you see, Ann - you - me - (UP) WE JUST HAD A BABY! MUSIC: UP AND FINISH. (APPLAUSE) ............... INSERT TESTIMONIAL .............. POWELL: Thanks, Hank - that was really swell - And if what I've been hearing is true, it is very apropos ... I understand you yourself are about to become a father yourself. FONDA: Yes, I read something like that in the papers ... I must remember to ask my wife about it. But before I step off the air Dick, I have a short, short story I think Mr. Lucky Strike would like to hear. POWELL: Fire away - Hank. FONDA: I started smoking Luckies you know, exactly five years, eight months and two weeks ago tonight. POWELL: How come you remember the eight months and two weeks so well? FONDA: It was the opening of "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS", my first real opportunity on Broadway. I was a young and ambitious understudy and I wanted to be in good voice. So I tried different cigarettes to see which was the easiest on my throat. POWELL: And you picked Luckies? FONDA: You bet I did ... five years, eight months and two weeks ago tonight! POWELL: Thanks for telling us that, Henry Fonda ... and thanks again for a swell performance. FONDA: The fun was all mine. Goodnight, everybody. (APPLAUSE)

Christmas Present

[22 December 1937] POWELL: Your Hollywood Parade moves along to the dramatic Highlight of the Week. Tonight we strike a different note, in that our guests, while all actors of reputation, are not even fifteen years old. Mr. Lucky Strike plays host to the Mauch Twins, Billy and Bobby, who first met Mr. and Mrs. Picture-Fan in "The Prince And The Pauper". Moving down the guest list we find two more youthful actors in Billy Halop and Leo Gorcey, whose success in the New York production of "Dead End" was followed with a similar success on the screen. These four lads join in presenting an original sketch by Arch Oboler called "Christmas Present", in which the Mauch boys portray the parts of Robert and Richard, twin brothers of 14, with a bit too much Park Avenue breeding and too little contact with life's realities ... Billy Halop plays Red, a fifteen year old boy of New York's lower East Side -- and Leo Gorcey the role of Buck, Red's younger brother ... Ladies and gentlemen, meet four young Musketeers of Movieland! (APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: [DICK POWELL] The scene -- Christmas Eve on a dead end street by a waterfront. On a corner a Salvation Army quartet is singing. SALVATION ARMY BAND PLAYING FAR BACK BEHIND: Two small boys, faces blue with cold, stand warming themselves by a fire built in an empty oil drum .... SALVATION ARMY QUARTET SINGING IN BACKGROUND - PAUSE SOUND: STIRRING FIRE BUCK: Gee, Red, it's gettin' kinda cold. We better get some more wood for the fire. (PAUSE) Hey, what's a matter, Red, I said we better get some wood for the fire. RED: (FROM HIS VOICE IT IS APPARENT HE HAS A GREAT DEAL ON HIS MIND) Yeah ..... BUCK: I'll betcha a buck it snows by mornin'. RED: So what? BUCK: Well ... last year we made six bits cleanin' off snow, didn't we? RED: Yeah, but this ain't last year ... BUCK: Well - RED: Last year we had a shovel ... BUCK: Yeah ... I never thought o' that ... RED: Lissen to 'em. (SCORNFULLY IMITATES) Holy nite - silent nite! (OUT) SOUND: HARBOR NOISES BACKGROUND BUCK: Yeah. Why don't they swing it? (SWINGS SONG) Hotcha cha-cha-cha-cha holy nite cha-cha - silent nite cha-cha-- RED: (ANGRILY) Buck! Cut it out. BUCK: Aw, I ain't doin' nothin'! I was only -- RED: Shut up. BUCK: Hey, what's eatin' you all day - what's wrong with ya? RED: (BITTERLY) This Christmas Stuff! BUCK: Christmas stuff? RED: What do they wanna make it tough for? BUCK: W-whatdye mean? RED: Fillin' the windows fulla junk - all that baloney about givin' stuff - I say if people got dough to throw around, well, let 'em do it and not make such a noise about it! BUCK: Yeah! That's right! RED: (DEFENSIVELY) It's just another day, that's all! BUCK: Yeah .... RED: Baloney, that's what it is! BUCK: (AFTER PAUSE) Hey, Red ..... RED: Yeah? BUCK: We tried to get the dough for it - we've been tryin' since summer! RED: Yeah, but tryin' ain't gettin' it. Aw, the heck with it! The heck with everything! (TEARS IN VOICE) The heck with Christmas! BUCK: Red - you ain't cryin'? RED: (TEARS IN VOICE) Who's cryin', ya punk? Go on - scram or I'll --- BUCK: Hey, Red! Red, wait! RED: What? BUCK: Them kids comin' this way! RED: Kids? Yeah! Who are they? BUCK: I don't know! Get an eyeful! Fur bennys and everythin'! RED: Couple rich punks slummin', eh? I'll fix 'em! (UP) Hey, you! PERRY: (FADE IN) Were you speaking to me? RED: I ain't talkin' to your grandmudder! What are you punks doin' here? ROBERT: I don't see that that's any of your concern. BUCK: Get the lip, Red - (IMITATES) "Any of your concoin". He's a rag'lar purfessor! RED: Shut up. Listen, you - what's your moniker? ROBERT: My what? BUCK: Red! He-sa no spik English! RED: Listen, Poicy - I'm askin' ya your name! ROBERT: It happens to be Robert Livingstone Matthews, Jr. And this is my brother Richard. RICHARD: How do you do? BUCK: Git that, Red? A little punk and he's got three names! RED: Lay off, Buck! Lissen, you guys - don't ya know it ain't healthy to come down this street? ROBERT: I don't see why not! RED: 'Cause it's my street, see, and I'm particular who wears out the sidewalk! BUCK: Hey, Poicy, is that real fur you got on your benny? RICHARD: My name happens to be Richard. BUCK: O.K., Poicy, so it's Richard! Is that real fur on your benny? RICHARD: Robert, what's he talking about? RED: Don't you guys know about nothin'? My brother's askin' if that's real fur on your coat? RICHARD: Of course it is. BUCK: So dat's what happened to Mrs. Holtzmeier's cat! (LAUGHS HUGELY AT HIS OWN JOKE) RICHARD: I don't think that was very funny. BUCK: No? Well, how'd you like a little sock in the puss? How would you like it, eh? How'd you like it? RED: Lay off. Lissen, mugs - where ya from and what ya doin' here? ROBERT: It's none of your concern and I don't see why -- RICHARD: No, wait, Robert - I'll tell them. I don't see that it makes any difference. RED: Okay, punk, dish it out! RICHARD: We live in the Edgewater Towers over there - I'm Richard - this is Robert - we're fourteen - our father was the president of the General Bank Corporation and when he died he left us each a million dollars in trust - we live with our mother, and I've taken boxing lessons from George Leonard, the ex-champion! There! Is there anything else you'd like to know? BUCK: Hey, Red, get-a load-a dat! A million bucks! An' boxin' lessons from the champ! RED: Are you guys shootin' the bull? ROBERT: My brother Richard was telling you the exact truth! BUCK: Yeah - A million bucks! RED: If ya got a million bucks what are ya here for? RICHARD: We're out to make a night of it. BUCK: What are ya poppin' off about? ROBERT: He said that we're out to make a night of it. Do you mind if we sit down here by your fire while we talk? RICHARD: You see, we're rather cold. RED: Okay! If you wanna - squat! ROBERT: That's better! SOUND: (FIRE) Nice fire you boys have here. RED: Yeah - we got a fire and you got a million bucks! RICHARD: (LAUGHINGLY) No, we haven't exactly got it! BUCK: I told ya he was bending our ear! ROBERT: Is that so? - Well - my brother said it was in trust and that means we don't get it all until we're twenty-one! And that's seven more years! RED: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Why ain't ya home? RICHARD: I told you - we're out to make a night of it! We'll show her! ROBERT: She can't do that to us! RED: She can't do -- What're ya talkin' about? RICHARD: Should we tell him, Robert? ROBERT: Why not? BUCK: You guys ain't takin' a run-out powder? ROBERT: If you mean are we running away, certainly not! We're just going to stay out all night and teach our mother when we say a thing, we mean it! RICHARD: Absolutely! RED: Teach your mother a lesson, huh? What's it all about? ROBERT: Well, you know, tomorrow's Christmas. RED: (FLATLY) Yeah. ROBERT: Well - we asked our mother to get us a new boat -- RICHARD: Yes we told her we wanted a star boat - the kind you can sail in - ROBERT: And we just found out that she didn't buy us a boat at all-- RICHARD: No, she didn't -- So we're going to make a night of it and teach her a lesson! BUCK: (A LITTLE DAZED) Red, lissen to these guys! They -- RED: (INTERRUPTING) Hold it! Listen, you guys, are you givin' me the works? ROBERT: If you mean, are we fooling you, certainly not! RICHARD: We definitely told mother weeks ago that a star boat was the Christmas present we wanted, and if that's all the attention she pays to our wishes, we're going to make her sorry, believe you me! ROBERT: We're - we're even going to stay out all night! BUCK: (SCORNFULLY) Did ya hear that, Red! (IMITATES) Gonna stay out all night! RICHARD: We are, too! ROBERT: Under the circumstances it's the only way to teach our mother a lesson. Don't you fellows agree with us? BUCK: (SARCASTICALLY) Yeah! When our Momma don't buy us boats we always stay out all nite - don't we, Red? RED: Lissen, you guys - tell me how much did that boat you wanted cost? ROBERT: Oh, about four or five hundred dollars! What's the difference? We've got a right to be angry! RED: (SLOWLY) Yeah ... if somebody don't give ya the present you want, I guess ya got a right to be sore ... ROBERT: You mean you and Buck were disappointed, too? RED: (SLOWLY) Yeah! Yeah, sure we were! That's why we ain't home - that's why we're gonna make a - a night of it .... RICHARD: And you're sure you're not going to get the present? RED: Not a chance .... ROBERT: Then you know just how we feel! RED: Sure, sure. I know .... RICHARD: Was it - was it something terribly expensive? RED: Yep ... Cost plenty .... ROBERT: Not as much as our present! RED: Naw ... not five hundred ... Five bucks ... RICHARD: You mean five dollars? RED: Yep .... ROBERT: (LAUGHINGLY) Good heavens, what kind of present could you get for five dollars? RED: A dress .. (PAUSE) for my Ma .... RICHARD: (AFTER TENSE PAUSE) Oh ..... SOUND: (HARBOR NOISE) ROBERT: We're .... sorry .... RED: (ANGRILY) What have ya got to be sorry about? I ain't askin' ya to be sorry! You just asked me and I told ya! (BUILDING) Ya come around here cryin' 'cause Santy Claus didn't stick a boat down your stockin', so you're gonna walk around the streets all night so your old lady'll see she done wrong an' do what ya want her to do! And then ya want me to tell ya that you're actin' like a couple smart guys! Well, I'm tellin' ya this - me and Buck here have got a old lady too, but we ain't got a old man who died with a trust fund, so tomorrow's gonna be just another day for my Ma, and if you'd walk the street all night just to make your old lady sorry, me I'd walk the streets from now until next Christmas if I only knew some way I could make mine glad! (WEEPILY) Now go on - pick up your marbles and get outa here! ROBERT: But, Red --- RED: (IN TEARS - FIERCELY TO HIDE HIS EMOTION) Get outa here I say! Go on, get out! RICHARD: Red - wait - we'd like to -- RED: Get outa here I tell ya! I don't care if ya learned how to fight from a million champs - if you don't scram outa here I'll throw ya in the river! Go on, beat it! BUCK: Hey, you'se guys better go! Red - he's awful sore! ROBERT: All right. But - but where -- RICHARD: I - I think we'll go .... home ... ROBERT: Yeah. (HESITANTLY) Well.. Merry Christmas to you, Red - and you Buck (FADE) Come on, Richard - RICHARD: (FADE) Well, Merry Christmas, follows .... FOR A SECOND OR SO ALL THAT IS HEARD IS THE SALVATION CHOIR STARTING TO SING FAR, FAR BACK, CONTINUING BACK BEHIND: BUCK: They're gone, Red. You don't have to - (WANTS TO SAY "CRY" BUT DOESN'T DARE) to be sore any more. RED: (RECOVERING HIMSELF - SNIFFING) I'm O.K. ..... BUCK: (EXCITEDLY) Hey, Red! Look! SOUND: (ROCKS - SLIGHTLY) RED: What's the matter? BUCK: Look what I found where that Robert guy was sittin'! RED: (EXPLOSIVELY) Dough! BUCK: Yeah! Five buck! (HAPPILY) Five bucks, Red! Just what we needed! Five bucks! RED: We ain't takin' their dough! We've gotta give it back to 'em! We gotta! - Hey fellers - BUCK: But they're gone! They ain't in sight! They ran away! They - they left it for us! RED: Yeah. For us. (TEARS IN VOICE - IN CLOSE) Merry Christmas ... fellas .... CHOIR MUSIC TAKEN UP BY FULL VOICE OF CHOIR - MUSIC UP

Adventure Postponed

[29 December 1937] POWELL: Thank you .... Now for the dramatic highlite of the Week in Hollywood ... Mr. Lucky Strike plays host to one of the leading actors of the Camera Clan -- a man who averages a thrill a minute in his screen characterizations -- Edward G. Robinson .... Tonite, Mr. Robinson departs from his usual dynamic roles in an original dramatization for the air by Arch Oboler -- "Adventure Postponed". In it, he plays the part of Swallow, a Gentleman of the Road with a quiet sense of humor and his own philosophy of life and the world he lives in .... Assisting Mr. Robinson is Jane Bryan -- who appears with him in his latest picture "A Slight Case of Murder". Miss Bryan plays Emily, a girl of 15 with romantic illusions about the world outside her sphere. Now, up with the curtain -- and a spotlite for Edward G. Robinson! (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: (MUSICAL CURTAIN FADE FOR:) ANNOUNCER: [DICK POWELL] The scene - a long freight train waiting at a siding somewhere far out in the country. A small figure crawls out of the weeds at the side of the railroad right-of-way, looks cautiously about to see if any of the trainmen are watching, runs quickly to a box-car where the door is part way open, and tries to climb inside. A hobo face covered in a three day beard suddenly appears out of the shadow of the car. EMILY: (GASPS IN SURPRISE) Oh! Oh, I didn't know that... SWALLOW: (CHUCKLES) What's the matter, kid - did I scare you? EMILY: (SHE HAS ONE OF THOSE VOICES WHICH MIGHT BE THAT OF A YOUNG BOY OF 14) I - I didn't think there was anyone in this car. SWALLOW: That's the way it goes - if ya live, ya gotta learn. Here grab my hand .... I'll give you a boost. EMILY: (HESITANTLY) W-well - I -- SWALLOW: What's the matter with you? Don't you want to get on this train? EMILY: Why, yes, I do! But I - I thought this car was empty, I didn't know -- SWALLOW: It's okay kid - there's still one drawin' room left - it's all yours! Here - come on - grab my hand. There, that's the boy. (WITH EFFORT AS HE PULLS OTHER UP INTO CAR) There you are! EMILY: I - I hope I'm not intruding .... SWALLOW: (CHUCKLES) Polite little mug, aren't you? What's your name? EMILY: Well, I - I -- SWALLOW: (CHUCKLING) It's okay, kid -- any name'll do. For instance, right now, mine's Swallow. EMILY: (PUZZLED) S-Swallow? SWALLOW: Yeah, Swallow! North in the summer - south in the winter - that's me. And that's my pal Snuffy sleepin' over there in the corner. But don't mind him - Snuffy thinks the best way to live is to sleep. Now what's your name? EMILY: I'm - I'm John. John Brown. SWALLOW: Yeah? John Brown. Any relation to the fellow whose soul goes marching on? EMILY: What? SWALLOW: Let it lay. Whatcha got in that bag? EMILY: Doughnuts. SWALLOW: (UNBELIEVINGLY) Wha-at? EMILY: I said doughnuts. You want some? SWALLOW: Do I! Say! SOUND OF TEARING BAG, ETC. SWALLOW: (MOUTHFUL OF DOUGHNUTS) Well! I cast my eyes toward heaven for manna, and what did I get? (CHUCKLES) Doughnuts! EMILY: I'm - I'm glad you like them. SWALLOW: Say, what kind of a boe are you, anyway, carrying around fresh doughnuts. EMILY: I - I found them. SWALLOW: (SMACKING LIPS) Well, some call it findin', and some call it borrowin' but whatever it is, it's okay by me! Say, you're just a young mug, aren't you? EMILY: No - I'm - I'm almost sixteen! SWALLOW: (SKEPTICALLY) Sixteen with pipes like that? Aw, come on - Here - take off the lid and let's have a look at you! EMILY: No, please - I'd rather keep my cap on if you don't mind! SWALLOW: Yeah, but I do mind! EMILY: No! I won't take it off! SWALLOW: (CHUCKLING) Tough little mug, eh? Okay, I'll take it off for you! EMILY: No, please, I -- SWALLOW: (IN SURPRISE) Pigtails! Well I'll be a - you're a girl! EMILY: (CRYING) SWALLOW: Aw, now look here, kid - I didn't want to hurt you! Honest! I didn't - EMILY: (SNIFFLING) You didn't hurt me! SWALLOW: Then what are you cryin' about? EMILY: Because - because you know I'm a girl! SWALLOW: Well, is that anything to cry about? Here, sit down here by the door and tell me all about it. Now - what's your name - that John Brown monicker don't fit so well anymore, if you get what I mean? EMILY: Well - my name is Emily. SWALLOW: Emily, eh? .... Nice name ... How long you been on the road, Emily? EMILY: You mean how long have I been away from home? SWALLOW: Yeah. EMILY: (HESITANTLY) Uh - a month - I mean a year - I mean always! SWALLOW: (CHUCKLES) Always! Stork brought you in a box-car eh? ... Come on, now, Emily, let's have the low-down - runnin' away from home, ain't you? EMILY: Oh, no, no! I come from a long way off - from California! Yes - from California! SWALLOW: Sister, if you're from California, I'm from Park Avenue! EMILY: Park Avenue? (EAGERLY) That's in New York isn't it? SWALLOW: That's where it is, unless it got a dispossess. EMILY: Oh, New York must be a wonderful place! That's where I'm going! SWALLOW: Yeah? On this train? EMILY: Well ... yes! SWALLOW: Sorry, sister - this one's headin' for Chicago. EMILY: It is? SWALLOW: Yeah. EMILY: (BRIGHTLY) Oh, well, Chicago's a big city too, so I guess it doesn't make any difference - any place just so that I get away from this horrible dump! (AS SHE REALIZES HER MISTAKE) I - I mean -- SWALLOW: (SLOWLY) So you're from California, eh? EMILY: Yes, I am! SWALLOW: Listen, Emily - see that farm house over there at the edge of the field? EMILY: But I'm from California! SWALLOW: I'll lay you five to one that if I walked up to the door there and I said, "You got a little girl - corn-colored hair - blue eyes - name of Emily?" they'd say, "We sure have! Know where she is?" Yeah, come to think of it I guess I'll go over there and -- EMILY: No, no, please! Please don't tell them! SWALLOW: (IN QUIET TRIUMPH) So you're from California .... EMILY: But I had to get away! I had to! SWALLOW: What's the matter -- old man too tough for you? EMILY: My father's dead ... SWALLOW: Oh! So it's your ma you can't get along with - that it? EMILY: Oh, no! My mother never bothers me! She's been sick in bed for ever so long - there's something the matter with her back. SWALLOW: Yeah? EMILY: Oh, don't you see, mister -- I had to get away! You don't know what it is to live on a farm all your life! SWALLOW: (FLATLY) Don't I? EMILY: I want to go places ... see different things! SWALLOW: Everything looks pretty much the same .... from a box-car .... EMILY: Chicago! New York! Oh, it'll be so wonderful! SWALLOW: I suppose you've been sittin' in that house over there - watchin' the trains go by day after day, and thinkin' to yourself how swell it is to ride up and down, goin' where you want to go, seein' everythin' there is to see ... EMILY: Of course! And, mister, it is wonderful! SWALLOW: No, it ain't! It's dirty and it's cold and you're hungry all the time! You don't know what that means, do you? EMILY: (INDIGNANTLY) Of course I do! I've been hungry lots of times. SWALLOW: No, you ain't! That ain't bein' hungry -- waitin' for your ma to call you to supper! Bein' hungry's bein' alone, not even havin' anybody to be hungry with! Moochin' bread and walkin' by restaurants and smellin' the stuff inside and feelin' your insides just sort of tearin' out of you - that's bein' hungry! EMILY: You can't talk me out of going! SWALLOW: Look here - your ma -- you said she was sick, didn't you? What kind of a girl are you, anyway, runnin' out on your ma like that? She needs you, don't she? EMILY: (WEEPING) Stop it! Stop saying that! What do you know about it? I've got to be somebody! What do you know about things like that? SWALLOW: All right, Emily - quiet down - no use yellin' at each other. I'll tell you what I know about it. I'm pretty good at that. Knowin' about it didn't do me much good, tho - because that don't keep me from tellin' others the truth ..... EMILY: What do you mean - truth? SWALLOW The truth about that feelin' you got inside of ya. Everybody wants wings when they're your age, Emily -- they want to run and fly - away - far away - to a world where there's nothing but romance and excitement and adventure ..... But it can't be done, Emily - and the world you want to fly to isn't a real world. Funny thing too is if you stay where you are, in a little while you do find the real world - a world of work and home and kids ....(HIS OWN MISERY IN HIS VOICE) But if you shut your eyes and fly anyway, sometimes you never come down to earth again - you fly 'round and 'round lookin' and hopin' for somethin' - you don't know just what - and you get older and your wings get tired - and you want a place to rest - but you haven't anything - nothin' .... So, come on, be smart. Come on, kid - get out of here - go on home! EMILY: No, no! I won't go! I won't! SOUND: (TRAIN HOOTS TWO TIMES, FAR BACK) SWALLOW: Listen! We're gonna pull out! Get off, kid! EMILY: No! If I go back now I'll never get away! I'm old - I'm fifteen! SWALLOW: (IN DESPERATION) Listen, Emily - if I promise to come back for you, will you get off? EMILY: (IN AMAZEMENT) You - come back for me? SWALLOW: Yeah! Yeah, that's it - sure! If you go home and stay with your ma and go to school and stuff like that - in a couple of years when you're a regular lady - I'll come by this way again, and if you still want to, I'll take you and your ma straight to New York and show you the whole works from start to finish! EMILY (ECSTATICALLY) Oh, mister! Will you? Will you really? SWALLOW: Of course I will - EMILY: And you'll take us every place? SWALLOW: Every place! SOUND: (FREIGHT CARS JERK AS THEY START OFF) SWALLOW: Quick! The train's startin'! Will you promise to stay home? Will you promise? EMILY: Oh, yes, yes, I will! I will! Oh, Mister Swallow, I've always wanted a father like you! SWALLOW: Come on. Nix on that father stuff! Go on! Get off! Get off! EMILY: (FADE) Goodbye, Mister Swallow! SWALLOW: (UP) So long kid! SOUND: (TRAIN STARTING OFF) EMILY: (FAR BACK) Goodbye, Mister Swallow! Please, hurry! I'll be waiting! 'Bye! SOUND: (TRAIN NOISES UP FOR A FEW SECONDS... FADE & CONTINUE CLICKETY-CLACK OF TRAIN IN MOTION FAR BACK, BEHIND:) SWALLOW: Goodbye! -- (SOTTO) How do you like that - a father like me. SNUFFY: (FADE IN, SLEEPILY) Hey, Swallow! What's all the noise about? What's all the noise? SWALLOW: Nuthin', Snuffy: Go on back to sleep! SNUFFY: Who - who was ya talkin' to? SWALLOW: (SOTTO) "I've always wanted a father like you" ..... SNUFFY: Wha - what did you say? SWALLOW: (CHUCKLES WITHOUT MIRTH) Aw, never mind! Snuffy - you been sleepin' - and me - well - I've been mighty close to a dream .... MUSIC POWELL: Thank you, Eddie Robinson! When it comes to delivering a dramatic punch, you're right in there fighting - but don't go away, please -- we want to hear more from you later on ... And thanks too, Jane Bryan. You were grand. [...] ROBINSON: (AUCTIONEER CHANT OFF MIKE) POWELL: Now your Hollywood Parade moves on to another highlight. This time it's --- Hey, what's going on here anyway? Eddie -- Eddie Robinson - what's the idea, making all that racket? ROBINSON: Dick, I just can't get over that auctioneer! POWELL: What do you mean? You know - that fellow that begins your program with ... POWELL: (BREAKS HIM OFF ON CHANT) ... That's fine, Eddie - We're kind of proud of the way he does that spiel of his. ROBINSON: I wouldn't mind if I could play that fast myself - but do you know, I think that auctioneer is one of the best things on "Your Hollywood Parade". POWELL: We think so too, Eddie. ROBINSON: And another thing, Dick. Whenever I hear him I am reminded the tobacco experts, like your auctioneer, smoke Luckies. POWELL: Spoken like a true Lucky fan, Eddie. ROBINSON: That's me ... You see, I like both cigars and cigarettes, and I smoke them both. So naturally, in a cigarette, I want rich tobacco taste. Now Luckies have that rich full flavor - at the same time they're mellow and easy on my throat. POWELL: Oh, Eddie, how long have you smoked Luckies? ROBINSON: Oh, about ten years at least - And like almost everybody else in Hollywood, you'll never find me without Luckies in my dressing room or in my home. POWELL: Thanks a lot, Eddie ... It was grand of you to join the Parade tonight and give us such great entertainment. And we're grateful for what you said about Luckies. ROBINSON: A pleasure, Dick ... So long, and Happy New Year, to everyone. Good nite. (APPLAUSE)

War News, Exclusive

[12 January 1937] POWELL: Thank you ... Now for our guest of the evening, a beautiful lady and grand actress, the Walter Wanger star, Madeline Carroll ... About a year ago I had the pleasure of playing with Miss Carroll in a picture entitled "On The Avenue" ... With that very pleasant memory in mind, we're doubly happy to have her with us tonight. Madeline appears in "War News Exclusive" - an air-drama by Arch Oboler .... She plays the part of Carol Andrews a girl war- correspondent whose life seems to be hopelessly mixed up with one Russell Wood. Wood, a real, two-fisted newshawk, is played by Ricardo Cortez, one of Hollywood's most popular leading men ... Stu Collins, another correspondent, is played by the well-known cinema actor, Regis Toomey ... And now, up with the curtain for some of that "War News, Exclusive"! (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN .... FADE FOR: POWELL: ........... The scene, as our play opens, is a war-torn city. It is night - looking up into the sky anxiously is Carol Andrews, a newspaper correspondent. With her is Stu Collins, another correspondent, who has fortified himself, one way or another, against an expected bombing attack .... CAROL: Come on, Stu - be a good little boy and get back to your hotel. STU: (SLIGHTLY DRUNK) No - I don' wanna! CAROL: But you fool, it's dangerous out here! Why you ever came out here to the war zone I don't understand! STU: Well, old man says, "Stu Collins, you're afraid to be a war correspondent!" So I say to him, I say - what did I say? CAROL: I don't know, and I don't care! You idiot, will you get off the street? There's going to be a bombing attack any moment - there always is at this hour of the night! Now come on! STU: All right, all right! Let's take a taxi! CAROL: Will you snap out of it? You're not strolling around Times Square - you're in a war zone! Now come on - give me your arm! STU: Poor Russell! Poor ole Russell! CAROL: Russell? What has Russell got to do with this? STU: Gonna marry you! Poor ole Russell! CAROL: Never you mind about poor ole Russell! You keep walking! Russell is just where he belongs - safe and sound behind a copy desk! STU: That's right - safe and sound - and you're to blame! Fixed it with the managing editor, didn't you? CAROL: And what if I did! Russell Wood is the most reckless, irresponsible man that ever carried a portable typewriter! He's got about as much right news- reporting in a war zone as you have! STU: Poor ole Russell! CAROL: Now stop "poor ole Russelling" me and keep moving! This is just the kind of a night when those bombers come over, and I certainly don't want to be dodging any high explosives with you on my arm! Now hurry before -- SOUND OF BOMB EXPLOSION, FAR BACK CAROL: (UP) The bombers! AIR RAID SIRENS BEGIN WAILING, CONTINUING BEHIND STU: Whoopee! ANOTHER EXPLOSION, IN CLOSER CAROL: You crazy fool! Run! ANOTHER EXPLOSION, REVERBERATING STU: (SINGING DRUNKENLY) "Just Before The Battle, Mother." CAROL: You everlasting idiot! Come on--there's a bomb shelter down here! ANOTHER EXPLOSION OPENING DOOR CAROL: Here! Down here! STU: O.K.! O.K.! CLOSING DOOR -- SIRENS DOWN -- INTERMITTENT BOMB EXPLOSIONS CONTINUING MUFFLED AS IF HEARD THRU CLOSED DOOR CAROL: There! That's better! At least we've got some protection in this place! STU: Gimme a typewriter. Gotta cable my paper. Enemy bombs star reporter. War news exclusive! Gimme a - (SHARPLY) Listen to that! CAROL: What? STU: A typewriter! So help me, I hear a typewriter! CAROL: Why this is nothing but an old wine-cellar! STU: Come on - right around the corner - next room. FADE IN TYPEWRITER CLICKING BEHIND ABOVE SPEECH - SIRENS SOFT CAROL: It's a man - typing! STU: What'd I tell ya! What'd I tell ya! CAROL: Why it's - oh, no, it can't be! STU: Hiya, Russell ole boy, ole boy! Lemme have that typewriter will ya, ole pal ole boy! TYPEWRITING OUT CAROL: Rus! Russell Wood! It - it can't be you! RUSSELL: Hello, Carol. I expected to find you annoying me sooner or later! CAROL: But - but Russell - you - you're supposed to be in New York! RUSSELL: Look here, my sweet - just because I love you doesn't-- Oh listen Carol - I'm a newspaper man - first, last, and all the time! CAROL: But the managing editor promised me -- RUSSELL: Oh, so you did talk the chief into chaining me to that blasted desk job! CAROL: Well, what if I did? I love you and you're much too reckless to be a war correspondent! RUSSELL: Well of all the interfering females -- STU: Atta boy ole boy! If you two are gonna fight I'm gonna (FADE) lie down and go to sleep! Good ole war! RUSSELL: All rite, Stu - I suppose it's perfectly all right for that half wit to be running around here, but me - oh, it's too dangerous for me! CAROL: It certainly is! RUSSELL: Look here, Carol - you've got to stop trying to regulate my life! You can't make me over into something I'm not! CAROL: Well, you wanted to make a kitchenette decoration out of me! RUSSELL: That's different! CAROL: Oh, no, it isn't! I just want you to keep out of trouble! For the last fifteen years, wherever there's been shooting, that's where you've been! RUSSELL: And that's where I'll continue to be! CAROL: Not as my husband, you won't! RUSSELL: Oh, no! Let me tell you-- SIRENS OUT CAROL: Wait, Russell! Listen! RUSSELL: Yeah! The raid's over! O.K., let's call a truce on our fight and get back to the hotel. CAROL: No, Russell. RUSSELL: No what? CAROL: I - I've got some business to attend to. RUSSELL: Business? Look here, what are you up to? CAROL: It - it wouldn't interest you. RUSSELL: Oh, yes, it would! This is no place for a woman to be wandering around alone! CAROL: I'm a newspaper woman! RUSSELL: You're a babe in the woods as far as this kind of work is concerned! What are you up to? I'll go along with you wherever it is! CAROL: Oh, no, you won't. You say that I'm always interfering with your business - well, if that's true, you better stop interfering with mine! I'm on my own, my dear Russell entirely on my own! .... MUSICAL TRANSITION SOUND OF DOOR OPENING COUNTESS: (DEFINITE ACCENT) Ah, you will come in, Miss Andrews. CAROL: (IN FAST) Sorry I'm late, Countess - the air-raid delayed me. DOOR CLOSING CAROL: (EAGERLY) How soon will he be here? COUNTESS: Oh any moment. After all, he is the great generalissimo. CAROL: (EXULTANTLY) The general himself! Do you realize what an interview with him will mean to me? It'll be the scoop of the century! COUNTESS: But of course! You have brought the money? CAROL: Yes, of course, but if you don't mind, we'll just wait on that until after the general gets here. COUNTESS: You are very naive, my dear! CAROL: What do you mean? You tell me that I can have an exclusive interview with the general on payment of a thousand dollars, I brought the money. Now you're talking in riddles - what's this all about? COUNTESS: The whereabouts of the generalissimo, at the moment, is as great a mystery to me as it is to you. (PAUSE) The thousand dollars, if you please! CAROL: You don't imagine I'll let you take it away from me? COUNTESS: I'm no longer amused. Give me the money! CAROL: Oh, I see. Give it to you - at the point of a gun! COUNTESS: A gun which you will force me to use. CAROL: All right .... Here you are .... The title Countess may be phony but the gun looks real enough to me. COUNTESS: (CHUCKLING) Indeed it is. Sit down here! So! Your hands behind your back! CAROL: You've my money and you've a gun - why tie me up? COUNTESS: It will amuse me to tell you. Five minutes after I place this lamp in the window - so - a rebel battery beyond those hills will open fire on this house! CAROL: (CONFUSEDLY) Open fire on this house? But - but why? COUNTESS: The generalissimo is as naive as you. I told him that tonight I would bring a notorious foreign agent to this house. And for this information he paid me - (CHUCKLES) One thousand dollars! CAROL: You - you're joking! They wouldn't shell this place! COUNTESS: It was the generalissimo's own ingenious idea. If accidentally a shell falls in this house and you are killed - CAROL: You - you devil you! COUNTESS: And a most profitable evening for the devil! Two thousand dollars! (FADE) Adios, my unfortunate friend. CAROL: No, no, come back here! COUNTESS: (FADING ON CHUCKLE, CHUCKLE OFF WITH) DOOR, BACK CAROL: (UP) Countess! You! Whatever your name is! Come back! You can't leave me here! Come back! (TO HERSELF) You can't leave me here to die! Help! Someone help me! SOUND: DOOR BURSTING OPEN RUSSELL: (IN FAST) Stop making so much noise! CAROL: (WEEPILY) Oh, Russell! RUSSELL: Save it! We've got about three minutes before the shooting starts! CAROL: That rope --- RUSSELL: Okay, I've got it loose! Come on! SOUND: OF RUNNING FEET CAROL: (RUNNING) But how can we get far enough away before -- RUSSELL: I've got a car! If the engine's still running, we'll make it! - Hurry dear - Here we are - CAROL: (AD LIB BUSINESS OF RUNNING AND GETTING INTO CAR) FADE IN SOUND OF AUTO ENGINE IDLING RUSSELL: Here - quick - get in! SOUND: DISTANT BOOM OF CANNONS CAROL: They've started! SOUND: AUTOMOBILE STARTING OFF FAST RUSSELL: Well, so have we! SOUND: ANOTHER CANNON CRASH, BACK CAROL: She did tell the truth! They are firing at the house! RUSSELL: Let 'em have their fun as long as you're out of it! CAROL: But -- but how did you know where to follow me? RUSSELL: Stu Collins - I stood him on his head until he talked! CAROL: Oh, Russ - when I think of the silly things I said - not wanting you to interfere with my affairs! RUSSELL: It's okay - I fell for the countess' phony line myself once when she was selling information down in the Balkans! CAROL: Russ! You didn't! RUSSELL: So help me! But that doesn't justify your acting like a nitwit! CAROL: (SHAKILY) Go right ahead, Russ - I deserve anything you say. I - I'll never do a thing again without telling you all about it. RUSSELL: Well, now we're getting places! If all this woke you up to the fact that maybe I am headman - it's been worth the excitement! Yeah ... and that reminds me ... CAROL: Wha' ... RUSSELL: Reach in my pocket. CAROL: Russ! It's-it's money! RUSSELL: Yeah, your thousand dollars. I took it away from the countess as she came diving out the door. CAROL: But Russ - I only gave her a thousand dollars and there's TWO thousand dollars here! RUSSELL: TWO thousand? CAROL: Russ! This other thousand belongs to the general! RUSSELL: Ah! The thousand dollars he paid her for that phony information! CAROL: Yes! RUSSELL: But - but..what'll we do with it? CAROL: Well, - all's fair in love and war, isn't it? RUSSELL: Just what do you mean? CAROL: I mean the extra thousand - we'll use it - (CHUCKLES) on our honeymoon! MUSIC (APPLAUSE) POWELL: Thank you, Madeline, that was grand -- a real, entertainment scoop ... and congratulations Ric -- you get the gal! Thanks to you, too, Regis - you rounded out a swell cast. ..... [SINGER ROSEMARY] LANE: Oh Dick. POWELL: Hello, Roeemary. LANE: What's all this I heard about going down to Madeline Carroll's house at Malibu, Sunday? Ricardo Cortez said something to me about it. POWELL: That' s right, the gang is going to her house at Malibu for a swim and stuff on Sunday ... You're coming, aren't you? LANE: Well, I haven't been invited. POWELL: Invited? Why you're just supposed to drop in that's all. CARROLL: Oh, Dick! POWELL: Hello, Madeline? CARROLL: Dick, I'm not in the habit of eavesdropping - but what's all this talk about my house? POWELL Well-it seems that Rosemary doesn't know about your open house next Sunday. CARROLL: Then that's your fault, Dick. You were to ask everyone. Rosemary, let me make the invitation definite right now! LANE:. Well, thank you. Madeline - I'd love to come. POWELL: We'll all be there. Sometimes, Madeleine, I think you've got rubber walls on that house of yours -- last time I was there, I thought all Hollywood had moved in. What they did to that pantry! CARROLL: Oh, but we love it -- really. POWELL: Say - do you mind if I tell Mr. Lucky Strike something - I hope he's listening -- something I noticed down there, last time? CARROLL: Of course not, Dick. POWELL: (LAUGHS) Well, I wanted to tell how the Luckies around the place disappeared - but like that (SNAPS HIS FINGERS). CARROLL: Oh, I can explain that - we buy cartons and cartons of Luckies. Since most of our guests like you and Rosemary have to be so careful of their throats - naturally they all prefer a cigarette that's easy on the throat. POWELL: How about the hostess herself? Haven't you a kind word? CARROLL: You bet I have Dick - I think Luckies are a grand tasting cigarette. POWELL: Thank you Madeleine Carroll - well, be seeing you Sunday - and last one in the pool has to put the water in it! (APPLAUSE)

Swami

[19 January 1937] POWELL: ... Now for Mr. Lucky Strike's guest of honor this evening -- a sterling actor and grand person, Edward Arnold, the B. P. Schulberg star. Some time ago, when we were discussing Eddie's appearance here on the Parade, Eddie and I went fishing. The weather was fine, the fishing swell -- in fact only one little thing cropped up to spoil our complete enjoyment of the trip -- That was Eddie's passion for singing "Asleep In The Deep" at odd moments -- I even got to the point where I hoped he'd get seasick, but the sea was calm and Eddie kept right on crooning -- So tonight I don't know whether to introduce Edward Arnold to you as an actor or a doubtful basso. Right at the moment, he's an actor, appearing in an air-drama called "Swami", by Arch Oboler -- He is assisted by Rosella Towne, one of Warner Brothers up and coming youngsters. The plot -- well, let's get that curtain up first -- Ladies and gentlemen, Edward Arnold! (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN POWELL: The place is a dinner party being given in the Carter home in honor of the engagement of young Frank Carter to Eve Jackson and the scene is on the verandah of the house. Under a star-swept sky stands the young engaged couple. Frank is speaking. FRANK: Happy? EVE: The happiest I've ever been, FRANK: Oh, I'm so pleased the family liked you! Even Aunt Agatha - and she hasn't liked anything since Bull Run. EVE: (LAUGHS - THEN SIGHS) Oh, if only my father could have been here. FRANK: Yes, mother was asking about him. I explained about his business trip. Awkward that it should have come just at this time. EVE: Yes, I wanted him to fly here to Boston, but it seemed to be out of the question. Poor dad, he's so busy! FRANK: Oh, well, I suppose there'll be plenty of opportunities for him and the family to get together before the wedding. Shall we go out and join the others? We're all going to have our fortunes told by the Swami Yogoda! EVE: (LAUGHINGLY) Who in the world is he? FRANK: Don't tell me you haven't heard of the Swami Yogoda? EVE: I certainly have not! Who is he? FRANK: Oh, some Hindu fakir who's quite the rage here in town for the last season - solves problems, looks into the future, and all that sort of nonsense. Terrific fraud but quite amusing. Oh, oh, there's grandmother waving at me! I better run along and see what she wants! EVE: All right,dear. I'll wait out here on the veranda. FRANK: That's fine. Don't get a chill. (FADES) I'll be right back. EVE: (SIGHS) Oh, what a glorious night: I wonder if -- MR. BARNES: I beg your pardon, mem sahib. EVE: Oh! Oh, you startled me! MR. BARNES: A thousand pardons, mem sahib! I did not see you standing here alone on the balcony. If you will excuse -- EVE: No, wait. You're the fortune-teller - I mean the swami, aren't you? MR. BARNES: Yes, mem sahib. I am the swami Yogoda. EVE: Oh, I knew you were! Your turban is so white even here in the darkness. I'm Eve Jackson - won't you tell me my fortune? MR. BARNES: (STARTLED) Your - your name! Would you say it again, please? EVE: Eve Jackson - do you know me? MR. BARNES: (NERVOUSLY) No, no, I do not know you! (FADING SLIGHTLY) If mem sahib will pardon me -- EVE: No, wait! You can't run away like that. (SHARPLY) You're here to entertain the guests, aren't you? MR. BARNES: (IN FULL) Yes, mem sahib, but --- EVE: Then entertain me. I want you to tell my fortune! MR. BARNES: But - but it is too dark to read the crystal. EVE: Oh, no, it isn't. There - the moon's coming out from behind the clouds - in a moment it'll be almost as bright as daylight ... there, you see? It's like a spotlight shining down on us! Now will you - (GASPS) Oh! MR. BARNES: (SLOWLY) The moonlight is bright ... EVE: (EXCITEDLY) No! You can't be! You can't! MR. BARNES: I do not understand what you are talking about. EVE: I - I'm sorry. I - for a moment, I thought - you see, you look just like my father! MR. BARNES: I - I am the Swami Yogoda. If I may go -- EVE: No, wait. There's such a marked resemblance - it's almost unbelievable! Of course your skin is darker but the same eyes, the forehead, the nose why, you even - (SHOCKED) - oh, no! MR. BARNES: What is it, mem sahib? EVE: That scar! That scar on your chin! Father, it is you! I know it is! MR. BARNES: But, mem sahib! I assure you I am the Swami Yogoda! EVE: That scar on your chin - the one you got in the war! Oh, it must be you! Oh, father, stop masquerading and talk to me! MR. BARNES: (FROM NOW ON HE IS PLAYED PERFECTLY STRAIGHT) No, wait. I - I'm not masquerading, Eve. EVE: (DOUBTFULLY) You're not? I, well - I don't understand? MR. BARNES: I - I really am the Swami Yogoda. EVE: Father! What are you saying? MR. BARNES: All those years I've kept out of your way. I didn't know those people were your friends or I never would have come here. EVE: Oh, father, please - please stop teasing me! MR. BARNES: I wish to heaven I were. EVE: But - but you must be fooling! You're a business man - Why, back home you've got an office! MR. BARNES: Yes, an office - an office that I've kept all these years just so you wouldn't know about - about this. EVE: (BEGINS TO CRY) Oh, no! (CRIES) MR. BARNES: Please, please, my child. You've got to listen to me! EVE: (CRYING) Don't touch me! Oh, how could you do this to me? MR. BARNES: Because I love you, my dear. EVE: You call that love? All those years being so proud of you, and all this time you've been nothing but a horrible fraud. Oh, father, father, how could you? A fraud! MR. BARNES: Fraud .... That sounds a little harsh, my child. EVE: That's what you've been - a fraud - a cheat - fooling people into believing that you were a Hindu mystic, that you could look into the future. MR. BARNES: But I've done some good, daughter! If you only know of the people I've saved with my advice! EVE: What a miserable defense! You aren't an oriental mystic! You're just plain Herbert Jackson, my father, the man I used to be so proud of, and now I despise you! MR. BARNES: I guess I can't blame you much for that, but I did it because of you. EVE: (SCORNFULLY) Because of me? Oh, how can you say that! How can I face Frank and all his family? They're an old family, an honorable family - what'll they say when I tell them that my father is a faker, a swindler, a man in a white turban who tells fortunes for money! MR. BARNES: (SLOWLY) Yes, I - I guess your friends - people like these won't like that. EVE: You've ruined me, and I hate you, and I never want to see you again as long as I live - you hear me? As long as I live! MR. BARNES: All right. I - I guess I can't blame you for that either. I guess you've got a right to say the things you're saying. EVE: (TEARFULLY) Don't talk to me! Please go! MR. BARNES: No, wait. If I'm not going to see you again, you've got to listen to me just once more. I guess I'm everything you said I was - a swindler, a faker, and all the rest. Yet it isn't easy for a father to hear those words from his own daughter's lips. EVE: Oh, go away! MR. BARNES: No, first I want you to know why I did it. It all started when your mother died. I never told you how she died, did I? EVE: Oh, please! MR. BARNES: You've got to listen. Your mother was very beautiful ... just like you are tonight out here in the moonlight ... and I loved her more than I've loved anyone but you. She died right after you were born, and she died because I didn't have enough money to give her the doctors, the care she needed. EVE: But you told me -- MR. BARNES: Yes, yes! I told you many pretty stories! I made it all nice and clean and smooth for your ears, but that's really why she died - because I was a failure; because I couldn't make the few miserable dollars that would have kept her alive! EVE: Oh, no! MR. BARNES: When they took her away from me, when I couldn't even pay for a little bit of ground in which to bury her, when I stood there with you in my arms, and my eyes so filled with tears I couldn't even see her for the last time before they took her away, I swore to myself then that you would never know the misery she knew because of me. I told myself you would always have the finest and the best of everything for the rest of your life. (BITTERLY) Yeah, that's what I said, and for nineteen years, you had it - the best clothes, the best schools, the best friends, and I got them for you the only way I knew how! EVE: Oh, father! MR. BARNES: Don't look at me like that! Please! I've been a fraud, but I tell you it was the only way I knew how to make money. I'm not smart - I couldn't earn money like other men do - stocks, and bonds, and big business. There was only one way for me to do it, this way, so I went ahead and prayed to Heaven you'd never find out! EVE: But - but you must have known that sooner or later I would find out! MR. BARNES: Yes, I did know that, but I hoped that when that day did come, maybe you'd understand, and even if you didn't, I always said to myself that the day you saw me as I really was, I'd walk right out of your life and you'd never see me or be bothered with me again. I never thought you'd recognize me, but now that you have - oh, listen to me, Eve - you can't let this make any difference. You've got a whole life in front of you. - those nice people out there - that young fellow - you're not going to lose them now because of me - you can't lose them. EVE: But, I -- MR. BARNES: No, no, let me finish. It's not too late - nobody knows about this but you and me - nobody need ever know. I'll walk out - I'll disappear - you can get married and be happy ... and if you're happy, I'll be happy too. EVE: (BURSTS OUT CRYING) MR. BARNES: No, no, my child. Don't cry, please. I'm not worth it, I tell you! I'm not worth it! You've got to hold steady - you've got to listen to me! In a couple of minutes someone'll be here looking for you, and you've got to look pretty. I'm going away now, Eve - I'm going away for good. You'll never be bothered with me again. Maybe some day when you've got children of your own you'll lose some of the contempt you've got in your heart for me now, and when that day comes, maybe somehow I'll know and I'll be happy. (BROKENLY) So goodbye, my dear! Be happy, my daughter. EVE: No, no, wait! MR. BARNES: Eve! Let go of my arm! He's coming! Your fiance's coming out here! He mustn't find us together! Eve, let me go! EVE: (UP) Frank, come here! Come here, quickly! FRANK: (IN FAST) Yes, Eve! What is it? What's happened? MR. BARNES: No, no mem sahib - please, I have told you your fortune now please let me go - it is best I go - - EVE: No - stay! Frank! FRANK: Yes? EVE: Frank - I'd like you to meet .... I want you to meet ... (PROUDLY) my father! MUSIC TRIUMPHANT (APPLAUSE) POWELL: Thank you, Edward Arnold -- once more you've shown us what a truly fine actor you are -- And thanks, too, Rosella - you were grand -- Now that our drama department is safely tucked away for the moment -- comes time again to consider a spot of music [...]

Papa Jonathan

[26 January 1937] POWELL: That's done it, Al ... Now, turning the leaves of Mr. Lucky Strike's guest book for the evening, we find the names of Miss Mary Astor and Mr. Richard Arlen -- two very solid favorites with Mr. and Mrs. America. [COMEDIAN BOB] HOPE: Wait a minute, Dick -- POWELL: What is it, Bob? HOPE: Why bother with Arlen? He's good in his way, but why go for outside talent when you have one of the truly great romantic figures of the screen right here on the program? POWELL: You. HOPE: Me. POWELL: I was afraid of that. Maybe Dick Arlen will have something to say about it. Come here a minute, will you Dick? ARLEN: What's the matter? Is that certain something getting in your hair again? POWELL: To a certain extent, yeah ... Bob here insists on trying to make love to all the beautiful leading ladies. ARLEN: Yeah ... he and Charlie McCarthy. HOPE: Listen ... anyone who wants to do that is no dummy! POWELL: Well Dick, as far as I'm concerned, you're still playing opposite Mary. What's the play? ARLEN: It's a little air-drama called "Papa Jonathan" by Arch Oboler. Mary plays the role of June Wilson, a newspaper reporter. My part is that of Jonathan Parks, an ex-professional football player. POWELL: Okay Dick -- Now Bob, if you really want to get in on this, we'll just let you raise the curtain for Mary Astor and Richard Arlen. HOPE: (DISGUSTED) Thanks ... All right, Al. Music. ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN. (INSERT DRAMA - WITH POWELL SETTING THE SCENE) ANNOUNCER [POWELL]: The scene - late afternoon on a quiet city street. In an expensive, swiftly moving automobile sit Jonathan Parks and his fiancee June Wilson. SOUND: (BRING IN AUTO EFFECT) Mr. Parks, formerly a professional football star, is now the somewhat uneasy possessor of an inheritance of a million dollars, while pretty Miss Wilson is the girl who came into his life, weeks before, as the result of writing newspaper stories about Parks' playboy adventures. June skillfully pilots the car over to the curb and emphatically steps on the brakes - SOUND: (AUTO COMING TO QUICK STOP) JUNE: (BRIGHTLY) There! That does it! Far as we go! JON: (SLOWLY, WEARILY) Look, June - I don't want you to think I'm one of those fellows who always wants to know what the score is, but would you mind telling me why you stopped here? JUNE: (LAUGHINGLY) Not at all! Johnny, believe it or not, I'm going to get a baby! JON: (BLANKLY) You - you wha-a-t! JUNE: I said I'm going to get a baby! JON: B-b-baby? JUNE: Yes, you know - one of those things the stork brings! JON: (WILDLY) S-stork? B-baby? J-June, how in the - what in the -- JUNE: (INTERRUPTING LAUGHINGLY) Wait a minute, half-back - I'm going to adopt a baby! JON: (PAUSE, THEN DAZEDLY) But - but can't you wait? We're getting married next week! JUNE: (LAUGHINGLY) Come on - let me out of this car and I'll tell you all about it! JON: (HASTILY) Okay! Okay! (HOPEFULLY) Maybe you've got a fever, huh? JUNE: I feel perfectly well, and it's a perfect day to adopt a baby! (MISCHIEVOUSLY) Don't you think so? JON; (TENSELY) Look, June - I'm a simple sort of a guy, but there's such a thing as carrying a joke too far! (UP, LOUDLY, ANGRILY) Why are you adopting a baby? JUNE: It's all very simple - my managing editor got a tip that this house here is a baby-farm - you know, a fake orphanage conducted entirely for profit! JON: (STILL MISERABLY) And what's that got to do with you? JUNE: I'm on an assignment! I'll go in, hand my money across the counter, and if those racketeers hand me a baby without bothering to investigate whether I'm cracked or crooked - well, my newspaper'll have a story that'll rock this town like a - a baby buggy! JON: (SPLUTTERINGLY) But - but - but - but - June - JUNE: (LAUGHING) Oh, you sound like a motor-boat! There's the door - start knocking! JON: I give up! I give up! SOUND: (KNOCKING ON DOOR) JON: (AS HE KNOCKS) Adopting babies! And we haven't even got the marriage license yet! JUNE: (LAUGHINGLY) Knock harder and don't talk so much! JON: Listen, if I play knock-knock any harder, I'll bring the whole house down! JUNE: But there must be someone home! If they've got babies in there, they just can't walk off and leave them alone! JON: (DISGUSTEDLY) Me - I got a million bucks - and what am I doin'? Knocking on doors for babies! JUNE: Wish we could see inside - shades all drawn - (SIGHS) Well, I guess that's that! We'll just pack up our little crusade and go back and tell the managing editor he gave us the wrong number. JON: (INTERRUPTING) Wait! JUNE: Wait for what? JON: Didn't you hear it? JUNE: Hear what? I didn't hear anything! JON: Listen! It sounds like a baby crying! JUNE: (EXCITEDLY) Baby? Where? I don't hear anything! JON: Press your ear against the door! Listen! BABY: (CRIES VERY FAINTLY) JUNE: Yes: I hear it! It is a baby crying! Oh, Jon, there's something terribly wrong in there! Get that door open! JON: O.K.! SOUND: (OF HIM BREAKING DOOR OPEN) WITH OPENING OF DOOR WAIL OF MANY BABIES BEGINS. THE PICTURE TO BE PAINTED IS THAT OF AT LEAST EIGHT OR NINE BABIES BEGINNING TO CRY AT ONCE IN VARIOUS PITCHES & QUALITIES - ALL THIS CONTINUING BEHIND: JUNE: Jon! Look! Babies! JON: G-gosh! All the babies in the world! JUNE: Pull up the shades! Turn on some lights. Oh, the poor darlings! Lights, Jon! JON: (FADE) Right! JUNE: Oh, you poor little things! Leaving you all alone! How could they do it? JON: (FADE IN) There! Now we can see 'em. (AGHAST) Gosh! How many of 'em are there? JUNE: (COUNTING) Eight - nine - ten - eleven - twelve! Oh, Jon, twelve of them! JON: And all of 'em yelling at once! JUNE: Why shouldn't they yell, you big lug? JON: Gosh! Are they hungry? JUNE: No, no, of course not. They've just been fed! Can't you see - there's a bottle in every crib! Well, don't stand there gaping like a fish out of water! Go find them! JON: F-find what? Find what? JUNE: Don't you know anything? Three-cornered pants! MUSICAL TRANSITION. SOUND: OF ONE BABY WHIMPERING CONTINUING BEHIND: JUNE: (TRIUMPHANTLY) There! We've got them all asleep except this one. JON: Have I learned the facts of life! JUNE: (LAUGHS) Now, Mr. Parks! THE BABY BEGINS TO CRY JUNE: (SOOTHINGLY) There, there, now! JON: What's the matter with her or him or whatever he is? JUNE: Nothing at all. This little fella just isn't sleepy, that's all. Come on - we'd better go into the other room before he wakes up the rest of 'em. JON: Yeah .... JUNE: Here - you carry him. Maybe that's what he wants? JON: (AS SHE DEPOSITS BABY IN HIS ARMS) Oh, no! No, wait! I don't know anything about babies! I mean - BABY BEGINS TO GURGLE CONTENTEDLY JON: Gosh! JUNE: (LAUGHS) My you look cute, full-back! JON: Doesn't - doesn't weigh much, does it? BABY BEGINS SQUAWKS JUNE: Jon, don't hold him like a football! JON: Excuse me, kid. Didn't want to hurt you. BABY GURGLES JUNE: There! That's better! JON: Gosh, June - who'd want to walk out on a kid like this? JUNE: If you're talking about the people who were running this racket, I think the explanation's simple enough. JON: What do you mean? JUNE: They must have got a tip that my newspaper was getting the police to raid this place, and when they heard us coming, they thought we were cops and headed for the nearest exit! BABY: "TALKS" JUNE: Isn't he a little darling, Jon? JON: (IT IS APPARENT THAT HE IS DOING SOME TALL THINKING) Huh? Oh. Yeah .... JUNE: Jonathan Parks, you've got a baby on your hands and something on your mind! Now what is it? JON: Well ... the way things are, as soon as you report all this, the city'll take over the place and - and all the kids, won't they? JUNE: Yes, I suppose so. JON: Well, I was thinking ... JUNE: Yes, Jon? BABY GURGLES JON: I got more money than I know what to do with .... JUNE: And what's that got to do with this? JON: I wonder if I ought to get a sign painted .... JUNE: Sign? What are you talking about? JON: You know - one of those signs - "This Place Under New Management." JUNE: Jonathan Parks! What do you know about babies? JON: I had my first lesson this afternoon. You fold the two ends over and you put the safety pin through the - JUNE: Come on, stop clowning! What do you want with a baby farm? JON: It won't be a baby farm - I'm putting these kids out of circulation. BABY "TALKS" JUNE: Do you mean that you're going to get parents for all of them? JON: Yep. Made up my mind just now. JUNE: And do you mind telling me where in creation you're going to get the people to adopt twelve children? JON: Oh, that's easy - I've got them picked out already! JUNE: You have? JON: Yep! JUNE: Who are they? JON: You and me! JUNE: Jon! BABY GURGLES JON: You see, June - it's like this - while you were taking care of the kids and putting them to bed - and finally when all of them except this fella were lying there all washed and warmed and kind of gurgling - you know how they did just before they went to sleep - I got to thinking, "Jon, why give 'em away? You've got more money than's healthy for you, and you're kind of lonely anyway, so why not have the fun of raising the babies yourself?" JUNE: Oh, Jon! BABY GURGLES JON: And, June - did you ever stop to think - with twelve children I could coach my own football team! JUNE: (LAUGHINGLY) Including the umpire! BABY "TALKS" JON: (GETTING MORE & MORE ENTHUSIASTIC) This one'll be the quarter-back! Look at his hands! Can't you just see him holding a football -- JUNE: Wait a minute! He can't even hold a bottle! JON: (GETTING MORE & MORE EXCITED AND TALKING LOUDER AND LOUDER AT HIS OWN DREAM PICTURE) He's caught a pass! He's running down the field! Twisting - side stepping - JUNE: (FUTILELY TRYING TO INTERRUPT) Jon! The babies! JON: (GOING RIGHT ON) Thirty - forty - fifty yards! Look at him go! JUNE: Jon! Your voice! The babies! JON: One more tackler - a stiff-arm! He's free! He's free! It's a touchdown! BABY BEGINS TO CRY, FAR BACK JUNE: (LAUGHINGLY) Just a minute, coach! ANOTHER BABY BEGINS TO CRY - ONE BY ONE THEY JOIN THE CHORUS JUNE: (UP OVER BABY CRIES) The game's over - this time you put the team to sleep! BRING UP THE CHORUS OF CRYING BABIES FULL -- SEGUE INTO: MUSIC (APPLAUSE) POWELL: Thank you - Thank you, Dick and Mary you were grand. Thanks for helping us keep the Parade moving. HOPE: Oh Dick .... POWELL: Yes, Bob? HOPE: Mind if I ask Miss Astor and Mr. Arlen something. Do you mind? POWELL: Go right ahead, Robert. HOPE: Well, look, kids. Ever since I've been on this show somebody on the program has wanted to tell why they smoke Luckies. Eddie Robinson did -- and Lanny Ross - Madeleine Carroll and only last week it was Edward Arnold. POWELL: Bob, what are you driving at? HOPE: Well -- look -- I love my boss and everything ... but isn't there someone in Hollywood who doesn't smoke Luckies? POWELL: (LAUGHS) Now, here, here, Bob--you're going to talk your way right off this show! HOPE: Ha ha ha. Oh, is the sponsor listening? Sorry. So long kids. POWELL: Well Mary--what do you say--can you answer Bob's question? ASTOR: (LAUGHS) You know Dick--sometimes I feel the same way he does, so many of my friends smoke Luckies. POWELL: Well, Dick Arlen--I know you belong to the Hollywood Branch of the Lucky Club. How long have you been a member in good standing? ARLEN: Dick, I think it's about six years. That's a long time to stick to one brand .... when so many, many of us in pictures prefer the same cigarette for a reason, it must be a very good reason. POWELL: And the reason? ARLEN: Simply this--when you're making your living by your voice--you don't take chances with your throat and Luckies have never bothered my throat. Besides, for me they're a swell tasting cigarette. POWELL: Thank you - thank you, Dick Arlen - it does the old heart good to hear you say that. You and Mary stick around, will you? We want to have some fun later on. (APPLAUSE)

Happy Year

[02 February 1937] POWELL: Thank you Al. Thank you - well done! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present a Hollywood star who is among the very greatest. Winner of the Academy Award for outstanding artistry, this player is one of whom Hollywood is justly proud. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... HOPE: Oh Dick, you shouldn't have said all that. And right in front of me, too ... POWELL: Bob -- please .... HOPE: And that part about the Academy Award ... that's darned nice of you, Dick, but it isn't exactly true, I haven't won the Award yet ... POWELL; Now ladies and gentlemen - (and I hope you'll excuse the local static) - it gives me great pleasure, very great pleasure, to bring you one of the greatest troupers in Hollywood ... Bette Davis. (APPLAUSE) HOPE: Miss Davis ... as one great artist to another ... Hi'ya kid! DAVIS: Hi yourself, Bob. HOPE: You know Bette ... I feel that you and I have been drawn together by some power known only to we great dramatic actors. I feel strangely ... strangely ... Oh how do you say it here in America? ... DAVIS: I know how it is, Bob - you seem strangely familiar to me too. Now will you kindly crawl strangely back under your log while we get on with the show? HOPE: Oh well, sticks and stones can break my bones, but..... Marlene loves me! (EXITS) POWELL: (LAUGH) Well Bette, looks like you took care of the lad in good fashion. Now what's to be in the dramatic department? DAVIS: Well Dick, we're doing a dramatization for the air called "Happy Year" by Arch Oboler. And I'd like to have everyone meet my leading man for tonight, Jeffrey Lynn.... I think he's going places.... POWELL: Swell.... Come in, Jeffrey! (APPLAUSE) LYNN: Thanks, and good evening, everyone.... DAVIS: Jeffrey plays the role of Ed Blake, the sweetheart of the girl, Mary ... the part I'm playing ... I do hope you'll like us. POWELL: Like you? We'll be crrrrazy about you! All right then, up with the curtain for "Happy Year" ... starring Miss Bette Davis! ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN .... FADE FOR: MUSIC PAINTING PICTURE OF WEDDING - FADE FAR BACK BEHIND: POWELL: The scene - a small mid-town church. At the altar a boy and a girl standing heads bowed while the words of the wedding service are read to them; in the shadows far to the rear of the church stands a heavy-set man intently listening. Another man enters the church - recognizes the onlooker, and approaches him. MUSIC PAINTING PICTURE, - CONTINUE BACK BEHIND: MAN: Craig! Well! I didn't know that you went in for day-time church-going! CRAIG: (VOICE DOWN) Oh - uh - hello, Fred. MAN: (CHUCKLING) Yes, sir, this would certainly surprise the boys back at the city-hall - City Prosecutor Craig in church at high-noon! CRAIG: Shh! That wedding! MAN: (DROPS VOICE) Oh, there's weddings going on here a11 the time! What -- CRAIG: I know the couple! MAN: Then why don't you go up there to the altar and -- CRAIG: Better that they don't know I'm here. (CHUCKLES) Yeah... funny how things worked out... . MUSIC COMES IN FOR TRANSITION MAN: What do you mean? CRAIG: A year ago today that boy there and that girl and I had a choice to make.... (CHUCKLES) And I think each one of us made the right choice.... Yes - a year ago today ... the girl came into my office... (FADE) frightened ... nervous.... MUSIC UP FOR QUICK TRANSITION THEN OUT BEHIND: CRAIG: (HE IS A LARGE, DUTY-BOUND INDIVIDUAL) Sit down, miss. MARY: (TRYING TO HIDE HER NERVOUSNESS WITH A BRUSQUE MANNER) I'd like to stand if you don't mind. CRAIG: As you please.... Uh -- Now then - I understand you wanted to see me about the Blake case. MARY: That's right. CRAIG: Well? MARY: I wanted to tell you that Ed Blake didn't take that money. I did. CRAIG: (BEGINS TO CHUCKLE) MARY: Why do you laugh? CRAIG; Because you said just what I expected you to say! MARY: I don't know what you mean. CRAIG: I mean that just about every time a good looking young man is arrested for embezzlement, sooner or later his sweetheart turns up and tries to take the rap for him. MARY: You don't know what you're talking about! I'm not Ed Blake's sweetheart. CRAIG: (UNBELIEVINGLY) No? MARY: I'm not anything to Ed Blake... . CRAIG: Then why does the mess he's in concern you? MARY: I work in the same office... At the very next desk.... for two years..... CRAIG: And you say you took the money? MARY: (SHARPLY) Yes, I told you that before, didn't I? CRAIG: Look here, miss - you expect me to believe that Ed Blake means nothing to you and yet you're willing to admit to a felony which means a year in the penitentiary? MARY: I tell you I did it! I did it! What more do you want? CRAIG: I want the truth! MARY: I told you the truth! I took the money - and I'm not going to let him go to jail for something I did! CRAIG: And what's your answer if I tell you that Blake made a complete confession! MARY: Confession? How could he confess? I took the money! Can't you get that through your head - I took the money. CRAIG: All right - take it easy! SOUND: CLICK OF SWITCH VOICE: (AS IF THRU DICTOGRAPH COMMUNICATING SYSTEM) Yes, Mr. Craig? CRAIG: Have the Blake boy brought up here. That embezzlement case. VOICE: (AS BEFORE) Yes, sir. SOUND: CLICK OF SWITCH MARY: (AS SOON AS SHE HEARS CRAIG'S ORDER) No, no don't do that! Don't bring him in here! CRAIG: Now, now, take it easy! MARY: But I don't want to see him! Isn't it enough that I told you I took the money! Isn't it enough that I told you I'm willing to go to jail for taking it? CRAIG: No, it isn't enough! Blake confessed two days ago to the embezzlement of those funds! Now you confess! Well, I'm going to get the facts, and I'm going to get them right now! MARY: No, no, wait! Wait - please --- BUZZER: CLICK OF SWITCH CRAIG: Yes? VOICE: (THRU DICTOGRAPH) Mr. Craig, I've got Blake out here, sir. MARY: Please, Mr. Craig! Please listen to me just for a minute before you send him in! CRAIG: Keep him out there a minute, Johnson! VOICE: Yes, sir. CLICK OF SWITCH. CRAIG: Well? MARY: Mr. Craig, let me be alone with Ed just a few minutes! CRAIG: Huh? MARY: You see, I know why he confessed! I mean he thought he was going to help me - but if I was alone with him a little while, I know I could make him understand that he isn't helping me - that the truth's got to come out! CRAIG: Well -- MARY: Please! You've got to do it! Just for a few minutes! Please! CRAIG: Very well. (FADE) Make it fast .... OPEN DOOR, BACK. CRAIG: (OFF MIKE) Blake! Come in here! ED: (FADE IN) Yes, sir. CRAIG: (OFF) Someone here wants to talk to you. I'll (FADE) leave you alone... DOOR CLOSING, BACK. ED: (FADING IN FULL) - (UNBELIEVINGLY) Mary! MARY: (TENSELY) Ed..! ED: (ALMOST TEARFULLY) Mary! MARY: (UNBELIEVINGLY) Ed! You're - you're holding me in your arms! ED: I've wanted to for such a long time! MARY: (IN SURRENDER) I knew it, Ed! I knew it! ED: (LAUGHS WITHOUT MIRTH) Funny, isn't it? For two years I've wanted to do this. MARY: (IN CLOSE) Why didn't you?.... ED: Afraid... MARY: You? Afraid? ED: Afraid of marriage - kids - all the rest of it! MARY: But Ed! Why? ED: You ask me why? For twenty years you've lived right in the middle of it - you and that family of yours - cheap walk-up flats so dirty and dark that the sun's ashamed to look in! Then, working in that office with you day after day, wanting to tell you so many things, and all the time knowing I couldn't, not unless I could give you the things a girl like you has got a right to expect. MARY: Is that why you - you took - ED: Three hundred bucks - three hundred bucks that were to start me up that ladder to fame and fortune those "be successful" guys are always talking about! MARY: Ed! If you'd only have talked to me before you did it! ED: I took it - and then I knew it wasn't the way to give you things! MARY: Then why didn't you -- ED: I wanted to! I tried to put it back! But the auditors had come in already - it was too late! MARY: Oh, my darling... ED: I'm not a crook, Mary -- MARY: Don't even say it! ED: It was just that working all day - trying to live on hot-dogs and soda-pop to have enough money to pay my way in that school that was goin' to make a lawyer out of me! And then you so sweet and clean there near me hour after hour - I tell you I couldn't stand it any more, Mary! MARY: I wouldn't have cared being without money, Ed! I'm so used to it! ED: Used to it! I wanted to give you more than you were used to! So I - (BREAKS DOWN WEEPILY) Oh, Mary! MARY: (MOTHERINGLY) No, no, Ed - don't! You're going to be a great lawyer someday. ED: (BITTERLY) Yeah .... with a prison record! MARY: No, Ed ... You won't have that .... ED: What're you talkin' about? Haven't you heard - all the big shots of the store were down talking to the prosecutor! Me - they're going to make an example out of me! MARY: (FLATLY) You're not going to jail, Ed. ED: Why do you keep sayin' that? Why? MARY: I'm going to jail. ED: (BLANKLY) You - you wha-at? MARY: That's why I came here to talk to Mr. Craig. ED: (TENSELY) What are you talking about? MARY: If you'll listen to me without blowing up, I'll tell you. ED: I'm listening. MARY: I thought this whole thing out more carefully than I thought about anything all my life! For the last two days, all I've been doing is thinking things out. Don't you see, Ed - it isn't right for you to go to jail. ED: But I took the money! MARY: Yes, and somebody's got to pay for that. But not you, Ed .... me .... ED: (UNBELIEVINGLY) Are - are you crazy? Why should you - MARY: (INTERRUPTING) No, no, please! You've got to listen! For three years it's been the way you said - you worked all day - you ate the wrong food - just so you'd have a little money so you could go to school and try to make something of yourself! Working all day and then going dog-tired to those lessons and than staying up half the night studying! Oh, I used to see it -- in the morning when you'd come to work - your face - old as my father's - so tired -- ED: It doesn't make sense! What's my studying got to do with the crazy things you're saying about going to jail for me? MARY: It's got everything to do with it! You've got fire in you, Ed darling - six more months and you'll be through with school, and you can take a job in a law office, and pass your bar examinations, and be somebody! Just six more months, Ed and I'm going to see to it that you get your chance! ED: A chance? Yes - I see -- (SNAPS OUT OF IT) Aw, what's the use talking - I'm going to jail! MARY: But you can't go to jail! Your record's got to be clean! ED: No, no - I won't listen! I love you! I can't let you -- MARY: You listen to me! Mr. Craig'll be coming back any minute - you've got to listen - to every word I say. ED: Mother in Heaven, Mary! What kind of a man do you think I am? MARY: That's just it - if you'll be a man and not a boy playing a hero part, we'll both have a chance to be happy! Don't you understand, Ed -- if you go to jail and kill your chance of ever being somebody, you're killing me, too! You're killing my only chance of ever being happy! ED: What kind of a heel do you think I am? MARY: I'm telling you again, Ed - stop being a hero! You made a mistake taking that money, but you can't let that mistake kill both our lives! And it wasn't your mistake alone, Ed - it was mine, too! ED: But how -- MARY: Caring for you, and not telling you! It might have made things a little easier! ED: I tell you, there's no use talking! I can't let you go to jail for me! MARY: You've got to, Ed! There's no other choice! You've got to! When it's all over, I'll come back and we'll be happy, Ed! ED: No, no! I can't let you do it for me! MARY: For you? Don't you understand yet -- when a woman loves a man, her life's so very much his that what happens to him happens to her! If you go to jail, you won't go alone anyway! I'll be going with you - my life and my hope! ED: Mary, I -- I don't know what to say! It makes sense, and - and yet the idea of you -- Oh, Mary, how can I -- MARY: I know what you're thinking - all the names the world would call a man who'd let the girl he loves go to jail for him! But it isn't like that with us, Ed - I'd be trading just one little year out of my life for a whole life- time of happiness afterwards! ED: And I would make you happy! Always! I - oh, no, no! I can't - I can't let you ruin your life! MARY: But there's nothing to ruin! All my life I've been just nothing - I've been in a jail, anyway, Ed! The jail of my family, and the four walls of that flat, and the subway and my job! Nothing to look forward to but going on dates with boys that made me sick just to talk to them! You, Ed - you're my only chance at life. You've got to give me that chance - you've got to! Tell me you'll do it, Ed! For me! For me! DOOR OPENING, BACK AT "TELL ME YOU'LL" IN ABOVE SPEECH MARY: (GASPS) CRAIG: (IN FAST) I'm sorry, but that's all the time I can give you! MARY: (HOLDING BACK TEARS) It - it was good of you to leave us alone this long, Mr. Craig. CRAIG: I did it because - well, frankly, there's been a great deal of pressure put to bear on this case, and I want a confession that'll stand up in court! So now let's have it! Which one of you did take that money? MARY: I did, Mr. Craig! It's the way I told you - I did! CRAIG: Well, young man - what have you to say to that? MARY: (SOTTO) (INTENSELY) Ed! My life! CRAIG: Stop talking to him! You, Blake - answer me! Was your confession a lie? ED: (TENSELY) Yes! MARY: (IN RELIEF) Ed dearest .... CRAIG: All right ... if that's the way you both want it .... Your confession, young woman - (FADE) I'll get the stenographer. ED: Oh, my darling! I hope we're right! MARY: I know we're right! You've given us new life - you'll work hard while I'm gone, Ed - making a clean honest start for both of us. Do that, darling - and it'll be such a happy year! MUSIC: POWELL: Thank you Bette Davis -- a grand performance from a grand person - and thanks Jeffrey -- You really got in there and pitched -- ...

Bright World

[09 February 1937] POWELL: Now ladies and gentlemen -- a leaf out of our guest book for the evening.. I want you to meet a man who has risked much to be with us this eve -- a man who braved snow-drifts, blinding storms, blizzards, hail--- HOPE: Oh, it was nothing Dick.. Would that I but had two lives to give to my art.. POWELL: It so happens, Robert, that I wasn't talking about you. HOPE: Oh well, it's not for me to quibble with the employees - who were you giving that build-up to? POWELL: A great actor and a great guy, if you'll pardon the informality ... He's one of America's leading interpreters of Shakespeare, the "Dodsworth" of stage and screen, my friend, Walter Huston! (APPLAUSE) HUSTON: Hello Dick.. Hello, Bob.. Say what's all this "snow and sleet" business you were talking about? POWELL: Well, Walter, that was just my own quaint way of telling the people that you're about the champion commuter of Hollywood, living as you do up in the mountains near Lake Arrowhead. HOPE: Say, that's ducky.. Just him and the snow and Shakespeare. HUSTON: To quote the immortal Bard of Avon -- do you want to make something out of it? HOPE: Oh well, Walter, if you want to be vulgar.. All I can say is, I hope your sled breaks down someday.. You Shakespearean hillbilly.... POWELL: Also in the words of the immortal Willie - avast thou screwball, else thee wind up behind ye 8-ball! HUSTON: Scram, knave. POWELL: (LAUGHS) How was that, Walter? Well Walter, suppose you tell everyone what's to be in your department tonight. HUSTON: I'm going to do a radio dramatization called "Bright World" by Arch Oboler. [The title is written in over "The Signal" which is crossed out.] And I've got a grand little actor working with me --- a star from your own Warner Brothers studio young Bobby Mauch ... or is it Billy? POWELL: I don't blame you a bit Walter. I can't tell them apart myself sometimes. I think tho' tonight it's Bobby -- All right then, take a second or two to get set while Al gives us a musical curtain for -- Walter Huston in "Bright World"! ... [Again, the title is written in over "The Signal" which is crossed out.] ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CURTAIN ... FADE FOR: POWELL: The scene, the annual orphan's picnic and field day given by the business men of Middletown for the Middletown orphanage. The place, the public park - (BEGIN TO FADE IN CRIES OF CHILDREN AT PLAY - HOLD FAR BACK BEHIND: POWELL: The warm air sings with the happy voices of children on a long awaited holiday .... But all the children are not at play. One small boy sits huddled on the grass far apart from the others - another small boy approaches him and hesitantly speaks to him.... JOE: (FADE IN FAST) - (PROJECTING - HE IS A LITTLE UNCERTAIN IN HIS SPEECHES AS HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW THE OTHER BOY WILL RECEIVE HIS INVITATION) Oh, Ted! TED: (GLUMLY) What do ya want? JOE: Well, I thought - the fellas thought - maybe you'd like to come over and be with us. We're havin' lotsa fun! TED: I don't wanna.... JOE: Aw, but, Ted, everybody's havin' so much fun - the games we're playin' - even you could play 'em! I - I mean -- TED: Lemme alone! JOE: Aw, gosh, Ted, everybody says that if you'd only start laughing again, you'd feel better, and -- TED: Leave me alone I said! I don't wanna laugh! I don't want nuthin'! JOE: But, Ted -- TED: Aw, leave me alone! Go on! Beat it! JOE: (DEFEATEDLY) Okay, Ted .... (FADE) If that's what you want.... (FOR A SECOND OR SO ALL THAT IS HEARD IS THE CRIES OF THE CHILDREN FAR BACK, THEN:) STRANGER: Why don't you want to laugh, boy? TED: (STARTLED) Huh? STRANGER: I said - why don't you want to laugh? TED: What's it to you? STRANGER: I couldn't help overhearing the other boy, and it seemed so strange that a boy shouldn't want to laugh. TED: Lemme alone .... STRANGER: (GENTLY) But why not talk to me? It's good to talk sometimes with someone strange to you. (PERSUASIVELY) Tell me, boy - why don't you want to laugh? TED: (TEARS IN VOICE) There's nuthin' to laugh about ... anymore ... STRANGER: Why not? The sun still laughs - the water laughs - there's jokes and games and fun - the world is full of laughter if you'll listen! TED: (IN A TIGHT, TENSE VOICE) Not for me it isn't... STRANGER: No? But why? TED: (FLINGING OUT INTENSELY) Why? Why? 'Cause I'm blind, see - blind - blind! STRANGER: (AFTER A TENSE PAUSE) I know that.... TED: (TEARS IN VOICE) Then what did you have to ... bother me for? STRANGER: Tell me, boy - when did it happen? TED: (IN A TIGHT VOICE) Fourth of July.... STRANGER: Independence Day, eh? ... (SIGHS) Ah, it's a strange divinity that shapes our ends... TED: What did you say? STRANGER: It doesn't matter. What does matter to me is what you've done with all those days since you closed your eyes. TED: I sit and wait.... STRANGER: You wait? For what? TED: For nothing..... STRANGER: Ahh.... Mind if I talk to you a little longer? TED: Talkin'! What good is talkin'! STRANGER: I know! I know! Ever since it happened, the good folks at that orphanage have tried to cheer you up with words. But words are empty, aren't they, when you sit in darkness... TED: Yeah.... STRANGER: Yet, if you'll listen, perhaps I can tell you words you never heard - words that will make you want to laugh again. TED: I tell you I'll never laugh again! STRANGER: And you think you'll never see again? TED: Never! They told me never! STRANGER And yet you will - you'll see more clearly than you ever saw before! TED: (DAZEDLY) I'll ... see? STRANGER: Yes, but not with eyes..... With heart! TED: I - I don't know what you mean. STRANGER: When boys - and men - see with their eyes, they see just as far as their eyes can see - a little world of kites and sleds and making money. But you - you'll see it all with heart and mind - and what you see with heart and mind is far more real and far more wonderful! TED: But how - how can I see? It's all so terrible dark! STRANGER: Yes yes - and now - think of a ship - a great black pirate ship! The sails are white against a sky of blue! Now think of it, son! Think of it hard! TED: Yes! Yes, I'll try! STRANGER: The ship is bounding high against green waves that throw it up here and there! A great black ship with sails of white - you see it, son? TED: (CARRIED AWAY) Yes! Yes! I see it! I see it! STRANGER: That ship that's there inside your mind is a ship I never saw in life. I read about it in a book when I was just as old as you are now! And yet I see it - and you see it - just from words! (BUILDING) Yes, far better than if we saw with wide open eyes! Understand? TED: I - I think I do! (WITH MORE ASSURANCE) Yes, I - I do! STRANGER: That's fine boy, fine. You'll have a wonderful world of books - and yet not books but living things! You'll see them in your mind - they'll live, they'll breathe, they'll be!...(IN WONDER) No, wait, boy! Why do you turn your face away? TED: (TEARS IN VOICE) But - but I'll never be able to do anything.... STRANGER: Oh, yes, you will! You'll find new things to do! TED: But - but I can hardly walk! (TEARS IN VOICE) I - I run into things! I fall! It's so dark, mister! STRANGER: But now you know that darkness really isn't there! Isn't it just a great white canvas on which to paint the pictures that the words of books and friends will bring you! And if there is no dark, why be afraid, boy - TED: I - I'm not afraid! (WITH GROWING ASSURANCE) No, I'm not afraid! STRANGER: And being unafraid, you'll try to do things, won't you, boy? TED: Yes! Yes, I will! STRANGER: I know you will - you'll never be afraid, son - you'll live with goodness and with courage, and you'll make the world a better world because of your life in it. TED: (HOPEFULLY) Will I, mister? STRANGER: So now you see why you can laugh, boy! You thought you'd nothing left, and yet you've got the world of air and sun and rain to feel, the world of all the great minds left to understand, the world of friends, a world of love and share life with you! TED: Gee! I've got lots left, haven't I? STRANGER: Of course you have. So come on, boy! Laugh! (BEGINS TO LAUGH) Lift your face and laugh! The joke's on you! You've got the world! Laugh, I tell you! Laugh! TED: (JOINS HIM IN LAUGHTER -HESITANTLY AT FIRST, THEN WITH INCREASING INTENSITY AS THE BARRIERS BREAK DOWN) STRANGER: (AS HE LAUGHS) It's good to laugh, isn't it? TED: (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! It's good to laugh! STRANGER: Books and friends - and people - (THE STRANGER'S LAUGHTER FADES OUT AFTER A FEW SECONDS, THE BOY'S LAUGHTER CONTINUES) JOE: (IN FAST - UNBELIEVINGLY) Ted! Ted! You're laughin'! TED: (CONTINUES LAUGHING) JOE: Gee, Ted! You'll be all right now! TED: (LAUGHING) Yeah! I'm all right! JOE: But why ya laughin'? Why? TED: (LAUGHINGLY) Him! Ask him! JOE: Him? TED: Yeah! He showed me how to laugh again! He did it! JOE: He? Ted, who ya talkin' about? TED: This man here - the one that's standing next to me! JOE: Man? TED: (EMPHATICALLY) Yes! Here! Here! Right next to me! JOE: (PUZZLEDLY) - (SLOWLY) But, gosh, Ted, there's nobody here... nobody but that statue... of Abraham Lincoln! MUSIC POWELL: Thank you, thank you, Walter Huston -- you've added another great Lincoln characterization to the many that have won you such a solid place in America's affection.... Thanks, too, Bobby Mauch -- there's a lot of future in store for you....
1