Marathon Man

This is the sort of success that I want to achive by this. I have never been able to enjoy running, even as a kid, I was always too fat. I don't want to be too fat for ANYTHING ever again.

I have lived my whole life as the fat girl. 26 years, almost 27, spent being a big girl. 10lbs, 6oz when was born, always a head taller in school, and in first grade the teasing began about being fat. It never stopped, and now it still affects the way I think of myself. If I see a hot guy, I would never IMAGINE that I would have a chance with him. When I see cute little clothes or swimsuits, I think of who they would look good on, and wish I could look good in them. I want to be able to see the cute stuff, walk in, and try it on and buy it. Not squeeze, not cheat and not bust out of it.

The ever growing list of reasons to have surgery. Other than I'm not buying new underwear.... You may or may not understand, if you want to understand e-mail me

- My butt has jiggled since high school, and I am so tired of it. My ass isn't jello, NO MORE JIGGLE!
- to fit in-between the arms on the airplane seats. not 'just fit' and actually encroach on my neighbor's leg room
- I want to walk into any store and buy something that will fit.
- My last car, the super jetta, the seat on the driver's side was lopsided, my ass was bigger and hung over, and on the left side it had room to sag, the right didn't.
- I want my thighs to fit between the metal sides of the chairs at church. I am tired of being poked in the back of the leg by the chair ends.
- This goes back to high school, I want my thighs to be rubbed by my man, not by each other when I walk.
- It's bad enough I am tall, and have big bones (no really, I do) I want bracelets to fit over my fat hand!
- Being able to buy he cute little choker necklaces and have them fit, instead of getting lost in the fat
- I don't want to ever shop in the 'fat lady store' anymore (lane bryant, avenue)
- I want a 2 to be the second number in my pant size, not the first.
- I am healthy today, and I want to stay that way. If I keep at this rate, I won't be.
- My knees and ankles provide the commentary every morning when I walk down the stairs. I don't want to hear them crack and pop anymore (or until I am like 80)
- I want to be able to trade and inherit cute clothes from Amy.
- I want to be attractive to the larger portion of men, I want them to look at me because I am beautiful, not gawking at the fat girl.
- I want to be a cute blonde med student, who becomes a cute doctor. Fat chiropractors don't make as much money!
- Success here leads to future successes as a result of confidence
- I have two (three actually) dresses from my Sophomore year in HS. Then I was at the weight I should be now, I want to be able to put those dresses on and look good in the, I've saved them for that reason. There's a third, but I am sure it's too small, I'd have to be anorexic to wear it.
- I want to make love, but I have to be married first. Not any luck finding a husband being fat, time for a new game plan.
- Single digit underwear size.

Have you seen John Popper lately? (giggling, cause I typed 'pooper' first..) he's a hottie now!

There I was last weekend, on the couch, watching the Blues Traveler Behind the Music (wishing that it was the Barenaked Ladies episode) and there's the new John! Whoa baby! I watched the whole thing, and saw another story of fat to fabulous. He's not some Abercrombie model, but come on, I don't like them anyway. Well, I do, but they don't play on my team!

So fabulous now, John had the gastric Bypass surgery. And that's where this all begins. We all heard about Carnie last year. You've seen her all cute, thin, perky and married now. At first I blew it off thinking it was sooo dangerous, too many risks.

A year later I'm on the couch, without a decent job (subbing does not a gainfully employed homeowner make), on a Friday night, in my jammies 'cause I don't have a date... again... and there's John. He's had the surgery too, he looks and feels great. A light goes off, the doubt still clouds it, but not as much as before.

All week I have been doing research on this surgery. Reading personal stories, looking at pictures, thanking God that I am not as big as some of these people (one guy was 800 pounds!!!) Some folks aren't as drastic as some, more like my situation. I found my weight is DOUBLE what it should be based on my height. I am at 280, this is down from the 294 I was at back in August when I went to the doctor. He prescribed Phentermine and I've been good, when I take it. But, he said it was to get a start, not a permanent solution. Okay, so I stop taking it when it runs out, and sure enough, the chocolate covered donuts end up on the counter when I go to get coffee, I eat a whole box of pasta roni and then eat a big bowl of ice cream. And my favorite? I ate 3/4 of a pizza last night, only stopping because I was stuffed. Stuffed is what stops me. I eat and eat and eat. I eat because I am sad, I eat because I am mad, I am eat because I am bored! Being at the district making maybe five dollars a week more than unemployment each week kept me busy. It kept me from eating the little food that was in the house. I've been home three days in a row, I'm trying not to eat all the time (this helps) but, I ate TWO boxes of pasta and munched all day. I'm out of control.

Want to know what did it for me, what made me pursue this surgery? What changed my mind from thinking it was dangerous to something that I needed to look at? John Popper told it like it was. Carnie's been all sweet and happy about the results, John told it like it is, what *really* happens. You puke. When you eat too much, you puke. You eat sugar, you puke, you eat fat, you puke. I know when I've been sick and can't keep anything down, I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry, and I don't think of eating, I don't wonder into the kitchen out of my natural habit. I avoid it. This changes your mental habits! And it stays that way! John said he could sniff out fast food, he comforted himself in cheeseburgers and pizza. Hello! He's talking about ME! Now he looks at that stuff and thinks, how did I ever eat that?! At one time, I was like that, then I moved to SF, and got so depressed, I would drown my sorrows in 2 cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake. Or a big bowl of mashed potatoes and a beer on the couch in front of the TV. I ate salads from a mixing bowl, not a salad bowl. No wonder I gained 50lbs in a year and a half. No wonder when I moved back here I celebrated with food, and then comforted myself through the stress of working and home buying with food and gained 40 of the 20 I had lost. See the pattern? I finally did.

I'm not buying new underwear. I have drawer full of old underwear and some new ones that I never wear. They are too small. I thought I was buying 'fat underwear' to wear with my fat pants. Guess what, they don't fit. I've been wearing the old ones so long that they have stretched out with me, and oh yeah, they are a mess. Elastic coming apart from the seams. The fabric worn off the elastic so that the rubber in it chafes my leg, it's not pretty. At all. Know what? I'm not buying new underwear. Because that would mean that I would be buying double digit underwear (since it's not sized like your pants, it's got it's own weird way). At one time, I was a size 8, in chonies that is. basically an XL. Not anymore! Until the size is smaller than the ones I just bought, I'm not buying new underwear.