"Dirty Talking Parrots"
A woman approached a priest and told him, "Father, I have a problem concerning my two talking female parrots. They only know how to say one thing. The priest asked, "What do they say?"
"Well, father, they only know how to say: 'Hi! We are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' ... and nothing else," said the woman.
"That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots to me and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and they will instead learn to pray and worship the Lord."
"Thank you, father," said the woman. So the following day, she brought her two female parrots to the priest. When she arrived, the two male parrots were praying at that time in their cage and holding their rosary beads. Then the priest puts the two female parrots into the cage with the male parrots. Immediately, one of the female parrots said: "Hi! We are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One of the male parrots looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Jesus Christ Pedro! Put the Bible and the rosary away. Our prayers have finally been answered!"
Three cowboys traveling in Indian territory are ambushed and captured by a band of fierce savages. All three are tied and brought to the Indian village beside a lake. The Indian chief walks up to the 1st cowboy and says, "We're going to torture you, burn you alive, then peel off your skin and use it to make a canoe. However, before we do that, I will grant you one last request." Without second thoughts the cowboy asks for a knife, slashes his own throat, and dies. "Very brave man," says the Indian chief.
The Indian chief then walks up to the 2nd cowboy and says, "We're going to torture you, burn you alive, then peel off your skin and use it to make a canoe. However, before we do that, I will grant you one last request." Also without second thoughts the cowboy asks for a knife, slashes his own throat, and dies. "Another very brave man," says the Indian chief.
The Indian chief walks up to the 3rd cowboy and says, "We're going to torture you, burn you alive, then peel off your skin and use it to make a canoe. However, before we do that, I will grant you one last request." The last cowboy thinks about it for a minute and finally says, "Bring me a fork!"
The savages burst out into laughter. The chief, rolling on the ground laughing, cammands that a fork be given. The cowbow grasps the fork and starts stabbing himself all over his chest and stomach. And just before he dies, he screams out loudly, "I hope your stupid canoe sinks!"
Two nuns driving in a car run out of gas. One nun says, "I saw a gas station about a half-mile back."
The other one says, "We have nothing to carry gasoline in."
"Well, we have this bedpan we keep in case of emergencies. I'm sure we could put some gasoline in it."
They take the bedpan out of the trunk and walk to the service station. They get two gallons of gas and return to the car.
As they start to empty the contents into the gas tank, a man drives by and sees what they're were doing. He shakes his head and says, "These nuns really believe in miracles."
The three YU brothers were immigrants from China and have just successfully passed their U.S. Citizenship Examinations. The last item taken up by the immigration officer with them was the adoption of American names in place of their original Chinese names.
JA YU was first asked if he had a particular choice. "I might as well add 'CK' to my first name and now be known as JACK YU," said the eldest brother. "That sounds okay," said the immigration officer.
Turning now to the younger brother, the immigration officer asked, "Now what name would you prefer CHU YU?" Very smartly CHU replied, "I will do the same as my elder brother, add 'CK' to my first name, and now be called CHUCK YU."
Before the youngest brother could open his mouth and say anything, the immigration officer pointed at him and very quickly said, "FU, I hope you are not thinking what I am thinking. You are not going to get it."
The principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand the principal thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room during afternoon recess. At the bathroom the girls found the principal and the school janitor waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the janitor to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the girls did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean the mirrors.
The janitor then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet bowl, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
One night, a private jet aircraft was flying somewhere above the island of Oahu, Hawaii. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a hippie.
Suddenly, there was a loud explosion in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot went into the compartment to check things out.
"Gentlemen," he said, " I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash somewhere in Oahu. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped out of the aircraft.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash, "Gentlemen," he said, "I am one of the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabs one of the reamining parachutes, and jumps out of the aircraft door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest and richest man. The world needs smart and rich men like me ... and I should have a parachute too." He also grabs one already held by the hippie, and he jumps out into the dark night.
The Pope and the hippie looked at each other. Finally, the Pope spoke, "My son," he said, "I have lived a very satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. I think the Lord is calling for me now and I am ready to go. You have a much longer life ahead; you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. We still have two parachutes available. The world's smartest and richest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!"
Three men, an American, a British, and a Frenchman were all stuck on a god-forsaken island for a number of years. One day they found a magic lamp. As the American rubs the lamp, a genie comes out and says that since there are three of them, they all get one wish each.
The Yank: "After all these years on this miserable island, I want to go back to San Francisco," and POOF! he disappears.
The Brit: "I agree with the yank, but send me to London town," and POOF! he too, disappears.
The Frenchman: "Well, I really didn't have much of a life in France. No family, no friends, and never much money. I sort of liked this island, and I just wish my two buddies were back."
An architect, a contractor, and a building inspector were escorted to a prison yard for execution by guillotine. They were sentenced to die for the failure of a structure in a Middle East country which they designed and built and which killed 1,500 people.
The contractor was brought up first to the guillotine. He was asked if he wanted to position himself by looking at the blade as it falls on his neck or by looking away from it. He opted to look away. As the executioner lets the blade drop, the blade somehow got stuck and didn't go all the way.
Being thought of as an act of forgiveness by Allah, the contractor was freed and allowed to go. The building inspector was next and she was also asked if she wanted to face the blade or not. She also decided not to. As the blade started to fall, somehow it got stuck again and she was likewise freed and allowed to go.
When the architect's turn came, he was asked the same question but he decided to watch the blade drop on his neck. He said, "What difference does it make anyway?" Just as the executioner was about to let the blade fall, the architect cried out loudly and said, "Wait, I see what is wrong with your guillotine ... "
Joe was a 35-year old bachelor and his one interest in life was his cat, Max. He had been avoiding a business trip for months because he didn't trust anyone to watch Max for him. Finally, his boss told him that he had to make a business trip to another state for a few days.
In desperation he called his brother. "You've got to take care of Max," he told his brother. "No problem," his brother replied. "No, I'm serious. You have to take care, really good care of Max."
Filled with nervous apprehensions, he left leaving Max with his brother. As soon as the bell hop dropped his bags and closed the door in his hotel room he was on the phone to his brother. "How 's Max doing?" he asked. "Max died," his brother said.
Joe dropped the phone without saying another word. He was barely able to do his work and was in a daze the rest of the time. Finally, he calls his brother back. "I have to say this. Don't interrupt," he began. "Max was very special to me. How could you just blurt out, 'he's dead'? You could at least have broken it to me gently. You could have first said, 'Max is on the roof, but don't worry, we'll get him down,' and then when I called next you could have told me, 'Max is at the vet, but we think everything will be ok.' Then the next time I called, you should have said, 'Max passed away quietly this morning.'"
"You're right," his brother admitted, "I should have thought it out more. I'm sorry that I was so blunt about it."
"Good. At least we got that strightened out," Joes said, "By the way, how's Mom?"
"Oh, Mom's up on the roof right now ..." his brother began.
There was a farmer named John who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat all his watermelons.
After some careful thought, John came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they see a sign saying: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off and make up their own sign and post it next to the farmer's sign. Farmer John showed up the next week and looks over his watermelon plantation. He was very pleased that no watermelons were missing, but reads the sign next to his: "Now there are two!"
