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You may be asking yourself, what is Craiglish? Well, that is a good question, I'm not exactly sure of the answer because the dang language turns my stomach. Anyway, Craiglish is only the most beautiful, most fluid and melodious language in existence. You may also be saying to yourself, "How can I learn this wondrous soothing language?" If you are, then I hereby brand you a sick puppy. Anyway, you came to the right place for here you can learn to turn the stomachs of others with this most quiet and tidy(some might say terse) language! Click on the links below and dump some knowledge into your brain.

Also included in this page is a section from the Craigland office of tourism and immigration. You can learn about how you too can have dual citizenship with your home country and the colorful scenic country of Craigland. Sound interesting? click here

The first thing you must learn when learning Craiglish is having the proper inflection. Craiglish pronunciation is comprised of two main sounds:

The Pterodactyl Shriek

The Terrifying Viking Grunt

First, let's learn the Pterodactyl Shriek . The Pterodactyl Shriek is accomplished by first exhaling all air in your lungs. Then, try to inhale while making a squeaking noise. This is what Craiglish parents refer to as the "wimpy squeaky noise" (or that's how it translates to our tongue) it is the first noise a Craiglish baby makes. It is very wimpy and smart Craiglish parents hit the baby with a wacky noodle until the baby moves on to the next phase, "The Squeaky Noise Grows up". To do this, try and suck in air more sharply than the first time, trying for the most loud shrill noise you can muster. No, not like that, you're still being wimpy. I told you that's not good enough. Don't make me hit you with a wacky noodle.... Ok, that's better, you are now up to the vocal skills of a Craiglish toddler. Now the time has come for....

The Terrifying Viking Grunt. The Terrifying Viking Grunt makes up the other main component of Craiglish speech. It is also very difficult, and is not truly mastered until Craiglish children reach age 3. To get you started, imagine you're the cookie monster. Can you do a good cookie monster voice? Well, I suppose that'll do. Now suppose you're the cookie monster on steroids. Suppose cookie monster is a big hairy viking coming home from looting and pillaging and is about to greet his wife. Now, keeping that in mind, utter the following phrase:

"HROONDY BOONDY GROOLOOOLOOL

MEEG MEEG MEEG....

If that doesn't work, just watch "Muzzy" tapes of any other language for an hour and then come back here to try again. Let's hear you try it now. Well, that's good, but you need to grunt from your diaphragm. That's better, did anyone tell you you're a natural at this?

Well, now you've got the basics down, why not try for....

Conversational Craiglish

Excerpted below is a typical conversation between two Craiglish citizens. Do try to follow along because nobody in Craigland likes people with short attention spans.

Got that down? Good! now you might not anger anyone enough for them to perform the dreaded "Craiglish Sponge Bath" torture on you. However, your education is not complete until you've digested the......

Dr. Noah Craigster's Craiglish Dictionary for French Nuns

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Other Useful Craiglish Phrases