12.23.05

The recent ruling in the Dover Panda Trial asserted quite rightly that "intelligent design" has no place in the science classroom because it is not science; it is, in fact, a renunciation of science. Moreover, the ruling determined that "intelligent design" is the express endorsement of a uniquely Christian version of the creation of human beings by the Judeo-Christian "God," thereby violating the First Amendment stipulation that no agency of the government -- of which public education is one -- shall make any policy in preference of any religion.
       Thus did Judge John E. Jones III summarily prohibit creationism, and all of its variants, from public schools. As I reveled in this stunning victory for Logic today, my celebration was cut short by a harrowing epiphany. Not simply a mere realization either: a legitimate, full-blown epiphany that gave me a sudden intuitive comprehension of the essence of reality. I realized that the United States uses the Gregorian Calendar, which was invented by Neapolitan doctor Aloysius Lilius and decreed by Pope Gregory -- after whom it was named -- in 1582 in the papal bull Inter gravissimas.
       According to the Gregorian Calendar, the year in which I am writing this article is 2005. This seemingly innocuous piece of information comes from the fact that the Gregorian Calendar uses as its Year Zero the supposed birth of a single human being: Jesus the Nazarene. Thus, two-thousand-and-five years have passed since the supposed birth of Jesus the Nazarene, though that still depends on which historical source one takes as being acurate, with estimates covering the dozen years between 6BCE and 6CE.
       Hence, my epiphany. Because of this single fact, the American government itself is in direct violation of the Endorsement Clause of the First Amendment to its own Constitution. Because the United States has adopted the Gregorian Calendar, the government is clearly stating that it deems Jesus the Nazarene as the single most important historical figure. Jesus the Nazarene, however, is only significant insofar as the religious construct that elevates him to the status of a god; namely, Christianity.
       Non-Christians, on the other hand, hold Jesus in no such status, because they know that Jesus was nothing more than a human being, the adopted son of a carpenter, if he ever even existed at all. Since the United States has adopted the Gregorian Calendar, however -- measuring current events on a timeline entirely dependent on the supposed birth of one man -- the government is taking a very clear stance that it considers the tenets of Christianity to be of more merit than any other. Thus, the federal government has set a policy that flagrantly endorses a specific religion.
       After a fair amount of research, I've managed to find a simple way to rectify this appalling situation. Anthropological evidence -- including a sudden change in social lifestyle as humans began to produce regionally distinctive cultures, use new technologies and more efficient hunting techniques, and display a more refined aesthetic sensibility -- seems to indicate that human language probably emerged toward the beginning of the Upper Paleolithic period, about 40,000 years ago.
       I propose then that this year is not 2005, but rather 42005, based on a more accurate reflection of the most significant event in human development.


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