Basic Rights in a Relationship

It is useful to understand the basic rights of a relationship which are violated by verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. The following is a list of some of these rights

---

The right to goodwill from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard from the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately
        your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interest spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

1. Any form of abuse is hurtful. It is especially hurtful when it is denied. When the abuser's perception of the abuse is discounted and there is no reality, part of her/his hurt is her/his confusion. 

2. All forms of abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the victim. The victim may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her/him or that her/his abilities are her/his failings. 

3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert ( very subtle, like brain- washing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, & consequently confusing to the  partner. Covert abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner, it's aim is to control her/him 
without her/him knowing it. 

4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. Example: The abuser may very quietly and thoughtfully say, " The real reason we've never been able to discuss a book is that there are common phrases you don't comprehend the meaning of but the average American understands," The abused victim may think, " that must be why we have so much trouble in our communication." I felt tremendous pain and despair; after all my pain was my fault. 

5. Verbal, sexual and emotional abuse is manipulative and controlling. Usually the victim does not realize she/he is being manipulated and controlled. She/he may notice, however, that she/he is living her/his life quite 
differently than she/he had planned, or certainly less happily. 

6. Verbal. sexual and emotional abuse is insidious. The abuse disregards, disrespects or devalues the victim in such a way that: 
a. Her/his self esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her/him realizing it. 
b. She/He loses self confidence without realizing it. 
c. She/He may consciously or unconsciously try to change her/his behavior so as not to upset the abuser, so she/he won't be hurt anymore. 
d. She/he may be subtly brainwashed without realizing it. 

7. All forms of  abuse is unpredictable. The victim is stunned, shocked, thrown off guard by her/his attackers sarcasm, angry punch, put down, or hurtful comment. No matter how intelligent, discerning, or thoughtful she/he is, she/he never really expects it, nor for the most part, can she/he understand why the incidents occur or how to prevent them. 

8. Verbal abuse is the issue, the (problem) in the relationship. When a couple is having a real argument about a real issue, like how to discipline the children or how much time to spend together or apart, both parties may feel angry but they can say, " this is what I'm feeling angry about... ot this is what I want," and eventually, there is goodwill on both their parts, the issue is resolved.  In a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse and this issue is not resolved. Another way to say this is that there is no closure. 

9. Verbal and emotional abuse expresses a double message. For example, the abuser may sound very sincere and honest while he/she is telling his partner what is wrong with him/her, or he/she may say, "I'm not mad" while sounding very angry, or he/she may invite you out to dinner, and maintain an attitude of aloof, cold indifference. 

10. Verbal and emotional abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency and variety. For example, early in the relationship, the abuser  may abuse his/her partner with put downs disguised as jokes, and withholding; gradually, other forms of verbal and emotional abuse are added. In many cases verbal and emotional abuse escalates into physical abuse which may also begin subtly as " accidental", shoves, pushes, bumps, etc., which then escalate in to overt physical battering. 

What can I do?, you may ask in despair. There are steps you can take to protect yourself and to determine whether or not your abuser is willing to change, or whether there is a possibility of connection  and intimacy in your relationship. If your in a new relationship, you may choose to leave the relationship immediately. However, if you have no job, have dependent children, feel fear, or lack self confidence, you may need time to decide what to do. 

In the meantime, you can decide what you will and what you will not accept from your abuser and you can inform him/her of your decisions. In making these decisions, you must rely on your own feelings and judgment, the very feelings and judgment you have been conditioned by the abuser to doubt and to fear acting upon. You will need to take these steps at your own pace. In most cases it is very beneficial to get professional counseling, support groups, and friends. 

Find a supportive counselor who is experienced with the issue of verbal, emotional and physical or sexual abuse. Ask your mate to go to this counselor with you. Tell him/her, that is order to have a happier and more satisfying relationship, you want him/her to see the counselor with you. If he/she is unwilling, go by yourself, you will gain much needed support and clarity. 

Start setting limits, it will be difficult at first because you do not know whether your abuser will honor your limits, nor do you know whether he/she will want to honor your limits. Setting limits is a serious proposition because, when you are setting limits, you are not threatening. 
Threats are in the form, "If you... I'll..." Setting a limit is stating a fact: " I will not accept...". 

When you set limits you speak from your own Personal Power, and speak from the spirit of life that dwells within you. You decide what is harmful and what is nourishing to your spirit. 
When you become strong enough in self esteem, you will be ready to set limits. 

Setting limits requires extraordinary trust in yourself and in your feelings and your own perceptions, so much trust that if you are yelled at, you know that: 
a. Even if he/she thinks it is justified, you will not accept it. 
b. Even if he/she thinks it is a joke, you will not accept it. 
c. Even if he/she does not understand, you will not accept it.
d. Even if he/she says it is your fault, you will not accept it. 
e. Even if he/she says you are trying to be right, you will not accept it. 
f. Even if he/she calls you names, you will not accept it. 
g. Even if you have made a mistake, you will not accept the abuse. 

Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future. Live each day, moment by moment, be aware of any angry outburst or disparagement directed at you. Your goal is to call the abuser on every offense, a firm, authoritative "Stop it" is effective. your authoritative response will give your mate the clear message that you mean what you say and will not tolerate any more abuse. 

Be aware that you can leave any abusive situation. Keep enough money on hand that if you need to leave, you can pay for transportation. You are a FREE citizen, go home away from where you are if the need arises. Carry your address book in your purse so you can contact friends if need be. Keep a bag packed in the trunk of your car, if you have a car. Plan ahead where you will go and how you will go if you need to leave your residence. 

Ask for changes you want in your relationship, these may include negotiating: 
How much time you need for yourself, and how much time you would like to spend together. 
Setting aside a time each week to discuss current issues in the relationship. 
Making plans together for the future. 
How to jointly manage finances. 

If you have been blamed for the abuse, you may feel somehow guilty or at fault as if you are betraying your abuser by discussing your concerns about your relationship with an outside party. You may even feel that reading about verbal abuse will harm your relationship. You will have these feelings if you have been conditioned to believe that your pain and difficulties are your fault.  If the abuser continues to deny the abuse, then his/her denial locks him/her into a more- or- less permanent psychological stance. 
Recognizing verbal, emotional and sexual and physical abuse for what it is, is emotionally painful. It has to do with loss- - the loss of illusion - - and grieving that loss. 

Lastly, be aware that there is nothing you can say or do to change another person. The other person must want to change for the sake of the relationship and for their own reward to a better and happier life. If you realize that your abuser is unwilling or unable to change, you will face the loss of hope for his/her companionship, partnership, love, and acceptance. 
I pray God gives each of you wisdom and peace and strength to make a right decision for your life and the lives of your children, if you have children living with an abusive parent, whether he/she is only abusing you or is abusing the children also. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your children.