EPISODE SEVEN – ROCK IN A HARD PLACE

EXT. CITY STREET

Remington and Valentine are walking along when Remington spies a poster for an Aerosmith concert.

Remington: Oh hey, look at that.

Valentine: Good to see the old timers still knocking about.

Remington: I could get some tickets if you wanted.

Valentine: I’d love to, but on that date I have to go to some charity ball thing.

Remington: Too bad.

They exit the screen and a pair of snotty youths appear, unfurl a poster announcing the arrival in town of the band “Lightning Park” and paste it over the Aerosmith one.

TITLE CARD: ROCK IN A HARD PLACE

INT. VALENTINE’S HOUSE

Valentine enters the room tying his tie when he notices something strange about the room.

Valentine: Hey. What the hell is this?

Elli pokes her head round the door.

Elli: What?

Valentine (pointing furiously): That!

Elli: What do you think it is? It’s a pot plant.

Valentine: I meant what is it doing here? I hate plants. They do nothing but piss me off resulting in them getting kicked over, spilling soil everywhere.

Elli: It adds a certain something to the room though, don’t you think?

Valentine: Dear God…

Valentine puts a cigarette in his mouth and proceeds to light it.

Elli: By the way, this room is now non-smoking.

Valentine is speechless.

Elli: I think you should quit too.

Valentine: Woman, do you know how much I paid for this goddamn house? If I want to smoke in my living room, I will smoke in my living room! (His cell phone starts ringing. He answers it.) Yeah! (Pause) Yeah, ok, whatever.

Valentine puts his phone away and flicks his lighter on. He looks up and sees Elli looking at him.

Valentine: Damn it!

Valentine throws the cigarette away across the room and exits.

INT. ELEVATOR

Valentine is standing inside the Roy’s Palace elevator looking depressed and pissed off. He starts to light a cigarette, but then glances to his left and sees an officer with nametag “Eden” giving him a dirty look.

INT. DEIM’S OFFICE

The first thing Valentine notices is a no-smoking sign on Deim’s desk.

Deim: How’s business, Valentine?

Valentine: Fine. So what do you want me to do?

Deim: Curt today, eh?

Valentine: No small talk please, my head is pounding.

Deim: As part of the Chrismukkah celebrations at Roy’s Palace, several venues have been booking world famous bands to play to sell out crowds. However, one of these bands has been causing an unseemly amount of distress to another, which is not altogether surprising considering they are playing different venues on the same day at the same time.

Valentine: So what am I supposed to? Whack one of them out of the picture?

Deim: Oh dear God, no! Apart from all other considerations, it’d be bad for business. We’d have to refund tickets, pay out insurance… all very messy. No, there are two roadies in particular causing all the trouble.

Deim hands Valentine a folder which he opens and finds mug shots of the two scruffy youths from the beginning of the episode.

Deim: Tex and Lex McSharron. They are somewhere in Roy’s Palace, and I would like them ejected very quietly and professionally before the Chrismukkah celebrations start.

Valentine: Ok! (thumbs up)

Deim: And try not to destroy any buildings this time!

Valentine grunts and exits

INT. RED STAR OFFICE

Valentine enters trying to light his lighter for his cigarette when he sees Elli at her desk looking at him. He turns around and when he turns back around, the lighter and the cigarette are gone.

Valentine: Who knows the bands “Lightning Park” and “Wink182”?

Lydia and Hagen respond simultaneously.

Lydia: They both rule!

Hagen: They both suck!

Lydia and Hagen glare at one another.

Valentine: Who wants the casting vote?

Remington: I want to kill whoever assembled those bands.

Valentine: I guess that’s one for the suck column.

Remington: What’s up?

Valentine: What’s up with you?

Remington: This guy called Master C or something is on the loose. $1.5 million tag on his head.

Valentine: Ok, you and Armside can take care of that. Hagen, Lydia… come.

Lydia: Awesome!

INT. VALENTINE’S CAR

Valentine drives, Lydia and Hagen are buckled tightly in the back.

Hagen: You know-

Valentine: For the last time, no, you can’t ride up front.

Hagen: We’re not children, you know!

Valentine: What makes you so sure?

ROY’S PALACE – DENZELMAN STATE PARK

Valentine, Hagen and Lydia are walking in the monument where labourers are setting up a stage and sound equipment.

Lydia: Wink182 are playing the Garden and Park are playing here, Denzelman State Park. Tonight, Roy’s Palace will feel the power of rock-

Hagen: Schlock.

Lydia: -And in a week’s time, they’ll be fighting it out in the charts. Wink182 release their new single “All the Tall Things” and Lightning Park release “Somewhat, I Belong”.

Valentine puts a cigarette in his mouth and attempts to light it up, but Lydia yanks it out.

Lydia: I’ll take that.

Valentine: What the hell?

Lydia: Elli paid me $50 to save you from yourself.

Valentine: Meddlesome bitch.

Valentine searches his pockets, but can’t find…

Lydia: Looking for this?

She holds up Valentine’s cigarette case.

Valentine: Wretched brat!

Valentine tries to grab the pack, but Lydia runs away. Hagen spies a guy dressed very neatly in a suit.

Hagen: Hey, isn’t that the Lightning Park guy?

Valentine: Is it? I wouldn’t know.

Hagen: Yeah. Joseph Rain, I think his name is. He plays some of the bands instruments and writes all their songs.

Valentine: How come you know so much, I thought you hated this band.

Hagen: It’s impossible to escape them! They’re everywhere! Even the magazines I thought had artistic integrity are covering them!

Valentine: What kind of music do they play?

Hagen: Music for over-excitable teenagers.

Lydia has rushed up to Joseph Rain and is shaking his hand, waving, clapping, etc. Rain seems to be rather taken aback.

Hagen: Funny though, when this band goes on stage, does publicity shoots, that sort of thing, Rain is always dressed in cheap, baggy K-Mart rags, but look at him here. Makes you wonder how seriously he takes this whole enterprise.

Valentine (hasn’t been listening): I see the McSharrons at ten o’clock.

Hagen looks at his watch and Valentine slaps him on the back of the head.

Valentine: Ten o’clock the direction! Go get Lydia and bring her, I’ll go in first.

Hagen scampers away. Valentine walks up to the two scruffy youths who are having a heated discussion.

Tex: Schlieffen, damnit!

Lex: Blitz would be a much better tactic!

Tex: Too unsubtle!

Valentine: Ahoy there, sailors.

Tex and Lex stare at Valentine as though he’s an alien.

Tex: Yeah? What’re ya lookin’ at? Huh?

Lex jumps in front of Tex.

Lex: Please… uh… excuse him. You need something?

Hagen and Lydia walk up behind. Valentine catches Hagen’s eyes and slides them over to Tex and repeats. Hagen follows Valentine’s eyes.

Valentine: Yeah… you!

Valentine grabs Lex and drags him behind a trailer in a headlock, but Hagen just stands still.

Valentine: What the hell are you doing? Grab him!

Hagen: What?!

Lydia tries to grab Tex but he shrugs her off and kicks Valentine in the shin, making him release Lex. The pair run off while Valentine rolls about holding his shin, sort of like Robert Pires would do, except, y’know, Valentine has actually been kicked.

BREAK

INT. LUSH TRAILER

Valentine sits on a chair. Hagen stands while Lydia sits on the floor.

Lydia: Thanks for letting us rest in your trailer, Mr Rain!

Rain: Uh, I didn’t, you just sort of barged in here…

Valentine: Honestly, Hagen, you’re so incompetent that you’re giving me a migraine just thinking about it.

Hagen: How am I supposed to know what (shifts eyes about) means? You’ve never trained me or anything.

Valentine: Use your common sense, man!

A guy who looks just like Remington except younger and wearing skater clothes enters.

Valentine: Huh?

Lydia: This is Lester Remington, lead singer of Lightning Park!!

Lester: Yo?

Valentine: Do you… happen to be related to someone called Nick?

Lester: Nicholas Remington? Yeah, he’s my nephew.

Valentine: Nephew!?

Lester: Hold on! Why do you want to know? (Goes into Jujitsu stance) Are you paparazzi?

Lydia: We’re just friends; please tell us.

She bats her eyelids

Lester relaxes.

Lester: Well, I could never say no to a pretty girl. Yeah, it’s odd, huh? Ha ha. (A chart showing the Remington family tree pops up out of nowhere with Lester pointing to the appropriate slots) This is Pa Remington. He met Ma Remington and they had a son, Boris Remington. When he was 20, Boris married Nancy and they had a son Nicholas. 25 years later, Pa Remington was 70 and in the midst of an end life crisis, so he divorced Ma Remington and married Anastasia, my mother, who was 20 at the time. At around the same time, Nicholas was busy making babies with his own wife, Yumi. So really, I’m not just an uncle, I’m a granduncle! And I’m only 18, hehe.

Lydia: Coooool.

Hagen: I didn’t know Remington was married.

Valentine: He’s not. Have you spoken to your, um, nephew lately, Lester?

Lester: Nope. Actually, I’ve never met him, I’ve just been told about him. He’s a police inspector. Why do you ask about Nicholas anyway? Wouldn’t you rather hear about the six voices that I can make when recording vocal tracks?

Lydia and Hagen respond simultaneously.

Lydia: Yes!

Hagen: No!

Valentine: You know Tex and Lex McSharron, right?

Lester: Oh yeah, they’re two of our roadies. What about them?

Valentine: Are you aware that they have been attempting to severely disrupt Wink182’s preparation for their concert tonight?

Lester: Really? That’s funny, haha!

Valentine: Idiot.

Lester: What?

Valentine: Nothing. Let’s go, kids.

Valentine gets up and exits.

Hagen: You’re a disgrace to music, Lester.

Hagen exits.

Lydia: This is my number. (Scrawls her number on a bit of paper which she hands to Lester) Call me! (Winks)

Lester giggles as Lydia exits. Joseph Rain takes the piece of paper, puts it in his breast pocket and takes his cell phone out, dialling Tex McSharron.

Rain: Where are you? (pause) Forget that. Go with Blitzkrieg. (pause) I’m telling you to bomb the Garden, so just do it!

Rain disconnects.

INT. VALENTINE’S CAR

Valentine up front, Lydia rides shotgun and Hagen is in the back.

Lydia: What do you mean?

Hagen: I mean that they’re not real bands. Bands like Lightning Park have been totally manufactured. You should listen to real music. Lambstein, Nine Inch Nile, now those are bands.

Lydia: They don’t make music, they make noise. What do you think, Valentine(-chan)?

Valentine: About what?

Lydia: What kind of music do you like?

Valentine: Give me my cigarettes back and maybe I’ll tell you.

Lydia: Fine, I’ll find out for myself.

Lydia turns on the radio and Pink Floyd plays.

Lydia: Pink Floyd?

Lydia and Hagen laugh out loud.

Valentine: What the hell is wrong with Pink Floyd? Do you even know who they are?

They keep laughing. Valentine ejects the disk from the stereo.

Valentine: Shut up, shut the hell up right now!

Lydia: They are so last century.

Valentine: Kids! What do you know?

The radio was switched to the news.

Newsreader: Wink182’s stolen instruments were found in an abandoned car just an hour ago, so their concert in Roy’s Palace tonight will be going ahead as planned.

Valentine: Sheesh, of course! Of course they’re over there!

The car speeds off.

EDISON SQUARE GARDEN

The scene is very similar to that at Denzelman State Park with equipment being set up, though now at an advanced stage. Lydia spots Tex and Lex snooping around near the stage.

Lydia: There! There!

Tex and Lex are startled and start to run. Valentine runs, catches up to them and kicks them both in the head.

Valentine: Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Tex: What’s the easy way?

Valentine: You leave Roy’s Palace right now and don’t come back… at least until after Chrismukkah.

Lex: And the hard way?

Valentine: I beat you both so bloody, you’ll be in the hospital and won’t get out until after Chrismukkah.

Tex and Lex look at each other.

Tex: It’s ok, we’ll leave. We were leaving anyway.

Valentine: …Huh?

Tex and Lex walk away.

Valentine: Uh… Lydia, Hagen. Go with them and make sure they actually leave.

Lydia: Yes sir, sir! (Salutes)

They all leave.

Valentine: Something’s up…

Valentine studies the stage and finds the bomb, hidden behind an amplifier. He pulls out his phone.

Valentine: Where are you? (Pause) Forget that, come to Edison Square Garden immediately. (Pause) I’m telling you to come immediately, so just do it!

Valentine disconnects.

INT. ARMSIDE’S CAR

Remington up front, Jeff Kozlec a.k.a. Master C in the back.

Jeff: And they say that the deficit margin provides a springboard for remuneration in the New Year, but you can’t believe the government’s lies. Jorg Bosch would be better, but sadly, people just aren’t at the required intellectual level to understand him.

Remington grits his teeth.

EDISON SQUARE GARDEN

The crowd has assembled. The band are on stage playing their new hit single “All the Tall Things”. Remington is defusing the bomb. Valentine, Lydia, Hagen, Deim and Master C are nearby stage side.

Deim: Thanks again! It would have been horrible if the bomb had gone off.

Hagen: It’s no problem. It’s more smoke than flame anyway.

Valentine: Who’s that and what the hell did you bring him for?

Remington: That’s that Master C guy; I was in the middle of collecting the reward on him when you called.

Valentine: Let me tell you something, man, I’m on the edge! I’ve been getting shit tossed at me from all corners today and you go and bring this yappy idiot along?

Remington: How do you think I feel? I’ve had to put up with him all day!

Valentine: Well, I’ve been forced to listen to that racket (points towards stage) all day long!

Master C: Hey, what about me? Look at this? (Holds up his arm) Because of you, I had to have my left hand amputated! Do you know how that feels? It’s terrible! I’ll never be able to achieve my dreams now that you’ve-

Valentine: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (after each shut up, Valentine fires a bullet at Master C’s right hand)

Master C: Aiee! (falls over)

Lydia: Wink182 front man Tom DeL’Orange is coming over!

Tom: Um, you guys are causing a disturbance here, so-

Remington: Go away!

Remington shoots Tom in the foot.

Tom: Eek!

Tom stutters backwards, trips over a wire and collapses into the amplifier with the bomb on it. Remington runs away and the bomb explodes. The stage collapses and the crowd starts screaming and running away. Then the monument starts collapsing too. Deim’s face is first one of horror, and then anger.

Valentine: Don’t say it or you’ll get it!

Valentine stomps away.

Lydia runs up on what remains on the stage and takes hold of the microphone.

Lydia: Can I sing in Tom’s place?

Hagen: …

INT. VALENTINE’S CAR

Valentine sits in his car and turns on his radio to good ol’ Aerosmith to drown out the noise coming from the Garden. Unable to settle, he pulls a $5 bill from his pocket, rolls it up, lights it up and smokes it…

END – FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU

Episode Eight preview

Valentine: An old acquaintance comes a calling and a task is set. I’m to find somebody who’s really nobody. But all along, watching me is a nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere world, making all his nowhere plans and I start to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea taking that call after all… Next episode, Somebody. You know everybody hurts, too, uh huh…