When you think you’re so low to the floor you gotta look up to look down, beat yourself hard on one of your feet with a bat for a while.  At least you will feel much better when you stop. If you go to the zoo, always take something to feed all the animals, even if the signs says “don’t feed the animals.”  The animals weren’t the ones that put it up. If you can’t sing good at all, you know what to do, sing loud. Never cry over skim milk. Do not make excuses unless you really have too. Life can be just like a toilet, so for our sakes, please don’t make waves. Do not sweat the small things, don’t sweat at all in fact, so you can save money on deodorant. If you get into a fight, hit yourself with a frying pan, then your enemy will run away, figuring that if you do that to yourself, what would you do to him? Your chances of winning the lottery increases a lot if you buy a ticket. Honesty if the best policy unless you are a crook. Only laugh when there is something funny. Most people start to look dumb when they start talking. Being an idiot is only fun when no one else is around. Nobody ever got hurt saying, “good morning” to everyone. Even if you believe you can fly, don’t try it. At the end of the movie when it says “The End”, it ain’t the end, wait for the bloopers. Even if you are paraniod, maybe they really are after you. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him. Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time. You're never too old to learn something stupid. When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane. The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. On the other hand, you have different fingers. The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Don't drink water, fish piss in it. Born free... Taxed to death. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. Rehab is for quitters. Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole. One good turn get most of the blankets. Rather die living than live to die. All true wisdoms are found on T-shirts. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use both feet. By the time you can make the both ends meet, they move the ends. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. When you wanna fill up a page, you make dumb quotes like these.

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