1. Cradle cat in left arm like a baby and position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cats jaw, when cat opens mouth drop pill in and let it swallow it.
2. Retrive pill from floor and cat from behind couch, repeat step one.
3. Get cat from bedroom and a new pill from bottle, throw soggy one away, cradle cat again in left arm while holding back paws with left hand while forcing cats mouth open with right hand.
4. Drop pill in and hold cats mouth shut for ten seconds.
5. Fetch pill from fish tank and cat from top of shelf, call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, ingore strange noises your cat is immiting, get spouse to hold cats head, place a wooden ruler on cats tounge and drop pill in, hold mouth shut and rub throat.
7. Get cat from top of curtians, make note to buy new ones and a new ruler, get a fresh pill from bottle and a large towel, rap cat in towel and get spouse to lye on the cat with its head just visable from the arm pit, open cats mouth with pencil, place pill in drinking straw and blow it down cats throat.
8. Check pill bottle label to make sure pill is not toxic to humans and wash down the taste with a glass of water, apply bandages to where needed and wash blood out of carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Fetch cat from neighbours shed and a new pill from bottle, place cat in cupboard with head just showing, open mouth with a spoong and flick pill down cats throat with an elastic. Place cold compress on cheek, get a screwdriver and repair cupboard door, check records for date of last tetnus shot, call fire department to fetch cat from across the way. Take very last pill from pill bottle.
10. Bound cats legs together to the kitchen table, find heavy gardening gloves and open cats mouth with a small spanner, drop pill in and pour 250 mls of water down cats throat to wash it down. Get spouse to take you to the doctor to get head stitched and pill remains removed from eye, make note to stop by furniture store on the way home to purchase a new table.
8 STEPS TO GIVING YOUR CAT A BATH
1. Throughly clean toliet
2. Add required amount of shampoo to toliet water, have both lids lifted
3. Get cat a sooth him on the way to the bathroom
4. Quickly place cat in toliet and close both lids, stand on toliet lid if nessesary
5. Flush toliet 3 or 4 times
6. Have somebody open the door to the outside, stand as far back from the toliet as possible and open both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket from the toliet, and go outside where he will dry himself.
BAPTISM IS NOT FOR EVERYONE
No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptise a cat!
