Mr. Noir Goes to Washington
Saturday, July 7, 2001
Listen: RealAudio Clip


(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)

TR (ANNC): It's the summer movie everybody's talking about. If you're planning to see only one movie this summer, make sure you see….MR. NOIR GOES TO WASHINGTON. (MOVIE THEME) A dark night in a city that knows how to leak its secrets, but one man keeps trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ---

GK: Let me ask you this, Senator ---

SS: Mr. Noir?

GK: What?

SS: Kiss me.

GK: Senator, I (A SMOOCH, SS THE AGRESSOR) --- (GYPSY VIOLIN BRIDGE)

TR: There's smoldering sex, there's explosive violence….(FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE.

TK: Look out! SCREECH OF TIRES. EXPLOSION) ….. and there's intrigue.

TR: RUSSIAN

SS: What's he saying?

GK: He's saying that the Russkies paid a surgeon a hundred grand to implant a listening device in the vice-president's chest.

TR RUSSIAN

GK: They've listened to the president's meetings with his top staff.

TR RUSSIAN

GK: They know everything the president knows.

SS (TEXAS): Then there's no problem. (STING)

GK: She was tall and blonde and wore a black T-shirt with the Lincoln Memorial on the front. She made it look like it had been hit by an earthquake. I know I was when I saw her.

SS (TEXAS): My daddy doesn't score real high on comprehension. He's a couple beers short of a sixpack, if you ask me.

GK: Your daddy? The President?

SS (TEXAS): That's him. A man with a brain like a BB in a boxcar. All he can remember about his middle name is the first letter --- Make me a margarita. No salt on the rim. Just put a little on your lips. (SEXY SAX)

TR (ANNC): It's the movie that has everhything..passion (HEART POUNDING), suspense….

SS: Who's that man?

GK: Who?

SS: Never mind. He's gone now. (STING)

TR (ANNC): Plus wild and wacky comedy.

GK: Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped your peignoir. Whoops --- (RIPPING OF CLOTH) Uh oh. My pants. (STING)

TR: And truckloads of gratuitous violence --- (CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER, CRASHES. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. SERIES OF BIG EXPLOSIONS.) And the president of the United States.

TR (BUSH): Educating our children are the most important challenge we face in the sense of things we need to do in this country today. --- Okay? Type it up, Miss Mulcahy. (FOOTSTEPS, HIGH HEELS, HEADING AWAY) What can I do for you, Mr. Noir?

GK: Mr. President, a meteorite is headed straight for Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota.

TR (BUSH): I didn't know they HAD media in South Dakota. (HUGE EXPLOSION AND EARTHQUAKE AND LANDSLIDE) Well, we'll rebuild it bigger and better. Take those four and add Coolidge, Hoover….and Dad. (SENTIMENTAL BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): It's a movie you won't want to miss. A movie that fills the silver screen with passion…

SS: Kiss me, you beautiful idiot.

TR (ANNC): Non-stop action ---

GK: Why you --- (SWING, KONK, GK OOF) Okay, mister. How about a knuckle sandwich? (SWING, KONK, TR REACT)

TR (ANNC): And intrigue at the highest level of government….

GK: Mr. Vice-President, your left armpit --- it's moving ---

TR (CHENEY): It's that darned listening device….(KONK) There. That's better. (BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): It's the story of our nation…at the beginning of a new century.

GK: Jenna, Barbara, I hve to tell you something that isn't going to be easy.

SS (TEXAS): What, Mr. Noir?
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): Is something wrong?

GK: It was wrong but it's been corrected. Girls, the man who is president is not your daddy.

SS (TEXAS): What?
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): Oh my goodness---

GK: He's not even a man.

SS (TEXAS): But ---
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): What is he?

GK: He's a robot. A compassionate robot with your daddy's facial image and your daddy's voice ---

TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): We're going to test our students against standards of basic knowledge and skills, and schools that don't measure up will be put into receivership.

SS (TEXAS): You're right. That's not Daddy.

GK: It's artificial intelligence, but it's better than none at all.

SS (TEXAS): Where's Daddy?

GK: In Texas, at the ranch….

TR (BUSH): Now this is what I call a comfortable chair. --- Put my feet up her, give the dogs a rest. Git my pillow. --- Wake me up in time for the news, honey!! (MUSIC)

TR (ANNC): It's the movie America is talking about.

(MUSIC)

SS: What are you doing, Mr. Noir?

GK: Changing my pants, babes. That pair has a bomb in it. (EXPLOSION)

TR (ANNC): MR. NOIR GOES TO WASHINGTON….coming to a theater near you.

(MUSIC UP)

© Garrison Keillor 2001