(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell;
SR: Scott Rivard; SH: Sam Hudson; RD: Rich Dworsky; AK: Arnie Kinsella;
PD: Pat Donohue)
(MUSIC)
GK: Today is our last live show before we go on summer break and
bring you what we like to call Standing Ovation Encore Presentations
and what you like to call Used Shows, or Retreads. Our technical
director Scott Rivard does his best to edit those taped shows to
make them even more exciting than the originals. (REWIND, HIGH SPEED.
STOP. CLICK)
GK (ON TAPE): And that's the news from Lake Wobegon….where
all the women are (TK PANTING), and all the men are (TR TARZAN),
and all the children are (HEAVY METAL TAPE).
Scott likes to edit out the obscure Celtic and Scandinavian folk
groups and edit in musical cuts from tapes sent to him by attractive
young women.
(PIANO AND MARIA DOING ENYA VOCAL, BREATHY)
GK: And Scott likes to splice in some little bits of himself telling
jokes where he thinks the News from Lake Wobegon needs a little
extra juice.
GK: (ON TAPE) Well, it's been sort of rainy this week in Lake Wobegon.
My ---
SR: So these two bees ran into each other on a rainy day,
and one said, "I can't find any pollen, it's too wet out,"
and the other bee said, "Listen, fly down that way about five
blocks and take a left and there's a bar mitzvah going on with all
kinds of fresh flowers and fruit, but here, wear this on your head.
So they don't think you're a wasp."
GK: It's a terrific show, those reruns in the summer, and you won't
want to miss a single one, especially with the addition of the popular
"Sex Tips" segment in each and every one, with U.S. Dept.
of Agriculture Extension Sex Agent Harley Peters ---
TR: (PETER LORRE): Let's talk some more about throwing food
as a form of foreplay --- mashed food and peas and carrots and pasta
of course. And then chasing each other naked into the woods. Always
a highlight around our house.
GK: None of us gets to hear the summer Standing Ovation Encore
Presentations because we're all off doing other things. I, for example,
am spending my holiday in a small dim room (TYPING) trying to finish
my memoir, but Andy Stein our fiddler spends his summer playing
with his band, the Manhattan Valley Boys, which is doing the Brahms
Violin Concerto this summer (ANDY BLUEGRASS VERSION OF BRAHMS CONCERTO)
and Rich Dworsky will go north to his lake home (LOON) near Ashram,
Wisconsin, and enjoy pure silence (OWL) there among the stately
spruce and pines. (WASH OF WAVES ON SHORE)
RD: Finally. I can take off the white tuxedo and the red
carnation. Finally, I don't have to go through the audience selling
CD's and tapes.
GK: The bass player, Gary Raynor, is doing an album of Count Basie
on solo bass. (A FEW BARS OF BASIE)
GK: Our drummer, Arnie Kinsella toes home to isolated, fog-shrouded
Staten Island (FOG HORN) and practices for his debut as a dancer.
(AK, SOFT SHOE ROUTINE)
AK: I'm gonna get out from behind these drums and let my
true personality shine. The Arnie nobody knows. The boulevardier
and man about town. The gypsy lover. (LITTLE FLAMENCO SHTICK)
GK: Our guitarist Pat Donohue is a counselor at the YMCA's Camp
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin this summer so he'll be busy….
PD: (SINGING, PLAYING) Hey yup, boy, a Wimoweh, a wimoweh,
a wimoweh, hey yup boy, a wimoweh….wimoweh…..(FALSETTO)
GK: Our sound effects man Tom Keith has a big summer planned. Tomorrow
around noon, he gets into his limo---
TR (BRIT): Watch your head, sir.
TK: Dulles Airport. And step on it.
TR (BRIT): Very good, sir. (LIMO PULLS AWAY) (MUSIC)
GK: And at Dulles he boards Air Riviera 747 bound for Cannes ----
Tom likes to spend a few weeks on the Riviera (SURF, GULLS) and
play high-stakes Parchesi (DICE ROLL) and go to the Club Frank (AF:
FIRST LINE OF A SINATRA SONG…) and bet on the horses (BELL
RING. TR EXCITED FRENCH, HOOVES) and sit in a café late at
night with a woman named Sans Merci ---
SS (FRENCH): You're so --- American, so mysterious, so strong,
so quiet ---
TK: Right.
GK: And afterward his silver gray Ferrari races west toward the
city of Venice…. (SPORTS CAR SHIFTING UP, ACCEL) and there's
the sound of insouciant laughter (SS LAUGH, OFF) and the discarding
of empty Dom Perignon bottles (SFX) - that's Tom Keith's summer
break, and if you're wondering how a guy in the non-profit sector
can live high on the hog like that, take a look at our agreement
with the International Brotherhood of Sound Effects Men. Union scale
is now $10.83 per woof.
TK: TEN OR TWELVE RAPID WOOFS
GK: You work on a script with a dog in it and it adds up.
TK: (RAPID WOOFS)
GK: Panting is $2.83 per pant.
TK: (RAPID PANTING)
GK: And that's just the minimum. There's a bonus for small dogs
(YIPS), big dogs (DEEP WOOFS), howling is extra (HOWL), and there's
a big snarling bonus (SNARL). You wouldn't believe what these guys
take home in the pay envelope. (SNARL) Nothing personal, but Tom
Keith is the highest paid person per hour on this show. (SERIES
OF WOOFS) --- As for Sue Scott, she is off to her summer home on
Nantucket (SURF, GULLS) which is next door to Julia Child's summer
home.
TR (JULIA): We absolutely must get together and have a big
bouillabaisse supper together and steam ever so many clams and I'll
bring the wieners.
SS: Yes, let's do that.
GK: And on the other side of Sue's summer home is the home of a
famous children's television host.
TR (MR. ROGERS): I absolutely love you on that show. I love
it when you do that little girl voice. Yes, I do.
SS (GIRL): You mean this voice, Mr. Rogers?
TR (MR. ROGERS): I love that voice. Say, "I like you
just the way you are when you unzip your sweater and take off your
shoes."
SS (GIRL): I like you just the way you are when you unzip
your sweater and take off your shoes.
TR (MR. ROGERS): Do you think of me in a romantic way? You
don't, do you?
SS: No, I don't.
TR (MR. ROGERS): I got that feeling from you. Yes, I did.
SS: I think I need to go back inside now.
TR (JULIA): Bouillabaisse is ready!!! (MUSIC)
GK: Sue summers on Nantucket so she can do summer theater there
and get into more demented and spooky roles than what she gets to
play on our show.
SS (DEEP VOICE, SMOKER, SOUTHERN): I sure hope my little
old Harold is doing okay in the freezer. I hope he's finding it
nice and cool in there. Thirty-five years of marriage, he just gradually
started to get on my nerves with his complaining about the heat
and the food and what all. The man wouldn't shut himself up. But
cold'll do that to a person. Oh yes. Cold'll make a person real
nice and quiet.
GK: Meanwhile, Tim Russell is on a plane bound for Burma. (ENGINE,
PLANE)
TR: There it is. Just off the starboard wing. The Valley
of the Hundred Smokes. And at the east end, tucked into the rain
forest, the Forbidden Temple. What I've searched since I was an
Explorer Scout. (STING) (FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THICK UNDERBRUSH) All
my life I've read about it. The temple of the thousand-year curse.
Overgrown with vines. Guarded by ferocious chimpanzees. (APES) But
within its crumbling granite walls lies the sacred casket of the
Great Orm. Containing thousands of rare opals…..enough opals
to buy me a four-room condominium near Dupont Circle. (APES) (MUSIC)
GK: That's where we are this summer, while you listen to our Standing
Ovation Encore Presentations of old Prairie Home shows, edited by
Scott Rivard.
SR: So I go to this hotel, and the clerk says, "I have
no rooms left, but I could let you share a room with this guy in
602, but he snores so loud, you'd never be able to sleep."
Fine, I say, and I go to the room, and get into my pajamas and climb
into bed and I say to the guy, "Good night, beautiful,"
and when I wake up in the morning, he's still awake, sitting in
the chair, watching me. (MUSIC)
GK: And what about our sound man, Sam Hudson, you ask, what's he
up to? Is he traveling this summer? Is he going to Nantucket? Is
he writing his memoirs?
SH: I'm doing okay.
GK: You're okay this summer?
SH: Got it all scoped out.
GK: You leaving town?
SH: Leaving town, going fishing.
GK: Where you going?
SH: Going up where the fish are.
GK: Where' that?
SH: I'll let you know when I get there.
GK: You have yourself a good summer.
SH: No doubt about it. (MUSIC)
GK: And when my memoir is done, I'll be attending Tom Keith's Sound
Effects Camp on Lake Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, just down the road
from where Pat Donohue is (PD MORE OF WIMOWEH) --- Tom trains young
people in the craft of sound effects, starting out with simple things
like kittycats (MEOW) and moving on to horses (WHINNY) and helicopters
(CHOPPER) and elephants (ELEPHANT) and elk (SFX) and wapiti (SFX)
and eland (SFX) and caribou (SFX). And chickens. Did you know that
the new contract with the International Brotherhood of Sound Effects
Men gives them $8.47 per cluck---?
TK: RAPID SERIES OF CHICKEN CLUCKS.
GK: $8.47 per cluck? Does that seem excessive to you? And $15 for
flapping? (CHICKEN FLURRY) And $20 for a rooster? (ROOSTER CROW)
Anyway thanks for listening this season and hope you enjoy the Standing
Ovation Encore Presentations and stay cool summer.
SR: Speaking of cool, there was this penguin standing on
an ice floe and another penguin standing next to him, and the first
penguin said, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo"
and the second penguin said, "What makes you so sure I'm not?"
And now here's a little bonus for you, a song called "The
Solstice of My Soul" by Megan LaCroix, who's 21 and from Sedona,
Arizona. Thanks, Megan, and good luck with your music. (MARIA ENYA
VOCAL, WITH PIANO AND TINKLY PERCUSSION)
GK: And we'll be back with a new season of shows in October.
© Garrison Keillor 2001
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