-Sheree Fitch
She said to me: Tea. Red Rose is fine.
I need caffeine. None of that herbal shit.
Now, I am the mother of grief not recognized,
the kind of grief that lies beneath
the skin and itches every second that you breathe.
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Her breath was sour milk
her owlish eyes unblinking
her voice all thorns and thistles
as it sprouted into space:
No one ever stopped to consider
how it must feel to be a mother
of one dead son and another one, his murderer.
I have no guilt about the apple.
I was hungry so I ate. It was delicious.
But I should have seen the signs of sibling rivalry
that stared me in the face.
I should have known that time
we went swimming in the pond
among the lily pads,
a day when work was put aside and
the laughter of my boys was like
the song of leaves and sky.
They splashed around while
I sat naked in the sun
(my hair takes such a long time to dry).
When Cain held Abel's head beneath the water
(or was it the other way around?)
at first it seemed a joke
but he would not stop until
I yelled: Enough!
I said enough!
There were other signs, more subtle
like the stealing of dessert
the finishing of sentences
the constant competition:
who could carry the heaviest bundle of twigs
home to father,
who could shoot an arrow first and deeper
into the heart of deer or bird?
I had no Dr. Spock
no family therapists.
The only words we knew
were handed down by
God the Father Almighty
who treated Adam and me like
naughty children ourselves.
What role models?
Dysfunctional from the beginning.
Think of me when you start to say,
What have I done, haven't done,
how have I failed the children I have borne?
I was there the whole time every day each second--
except for that once--
and look how mine turned out.
Take comfort unless one of yours is dead
the other one the murderer.
Remember I did have Japheth afterwards,
got a third chance to be a better mother.
Make yours good the first time.
One child who does you proud
does not dissolve sorrow.
Honey, you do the best you can with who you are
and what you have to work with at the time.
The tea's cold. Gotta run.
This is not a dream. Forgive yourself.
You think too much of what you do.