Brian Wonders

Brian Wonders...


  • Why don't raindrops hurt when they hit you? Do you have any idea how far they have fallen by the time they hit you? It's MILES! How does that not KILL you??


  • How long has mankind been making and using tables? Don't tables go all the way back to places like Egypt and Mesopotamia? If that's the case, HOW HAVE WE NOT PERFECTED THE PRACTICE OF TABLE BUILDING?? How are there STILL wobbly tables?? HONESTLY!!


  • Isn't there just ONE guy who sits at the circular producers' table at pre-production meetings for movies like XXX 2: State of the Union, Son of the Mask, Snow Dogs, Barb Wire, Garfield: The Movie, Battlefield Earth, The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, Baby Geniuses, Bring it On Again, Are we There Yet?, Operation: Dumbo Drop, You Got Served, Anacondas, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Glitter, Honey, The Faculty, Speed 2: Cruise Control, or Home Alone 3 who can sit there to say, "You know...maybe this movie isn't the best idea..."?



  • When did people stop understanding that when parking at a parking meter, you place the nose of your vehicle next to the base of the parking meter? When did people begin to think that THIS was acceptable:


    This asshole apparently thinks that the street is his parking lot.
    Fuck you. Fuck you in the ear you illegally parked social degenerate.


    [license plate number included to allow for maximum social ridicule,
    amercement, and hopefully suicide-inducing humiliation]

    How did this person convince themself that they were praked legitimately? How has this person's car not been BADLY keyed or damaged and/or this person been killed for back so unbelievably and inconveniently wrong?


  • Why, Britney? Why?



  • Since when did people start being deported from places and stop being banished? When did this terminology change? Why isn't there federal legislation that allows for banishment instead of deportation? I'd much rather tell someone that I was banished from someplace as opposed to deported.


  • Do all poets take some kind of wacky drug that enables them to understand the mindless drivel that they write? Moreover, do poets realize that more than 90% of what they write is unintelligible nonsense? Do they write it because they like it when everything is open to personal interpretation, and when they were kids their lives were rife with ignorance and stupidity, and everyone always told them they were wrong, so now they have to always be right and write things that make no sense to anyone but themselves and each other? Is it just so that they can call us normal people wrong for a change, instead of us always telling them they're wrong?




  • Do weather forecasters have some kind of sick fetish with feeding us purely false information (like there's a 90% chance of snow) to inflate our hope for a snow day? Do they beat off while the rest of us squint in pain out our windows to see a bright, sunny, snowless day? Do they actually like that? On that same line, does Mother Nature love to just give us all cheap foreplay by having it snow two inches and then get warm and then rain, thus melting all the snow? Why would she do that to us?


  • Do huge nerds have an insatiable appetite for sex since they don't get any ever? If so, how do they quench their thirst for intercourse?


    Do they mate with other nerds? Will this genetic combination produce an ultra-nerd or will the nerd genes clash and create super cool, super hot offspring?




  • How in the world does a CD work? More to the point, how do CD burners work? How does something go from being a file on a computer to little lines of scribble on the back of a disc that translate into music? Considering all that, how in the hell does something read those lines of script?


  • Since when does Germany NOT start wars?


  • Do annoying people get off on being annoying or do they not realize their own annoying characteristics? Don't they ever annoy themselves? They sure as hell annoy me.