*offstage* Picard: GRrrrr
Riker: sorry, but I told him to stock up, but he's like nooooooo....
Picard: do shut up, I thought I was getting a break from having to do the logs
*wesley* what exactly is our fuel source, sir? do we use gasoline? or some futuristic substitute?
Data: I guess for the course off the episode, yes some futuristic Substitute that still uses Petroleum products
Riker: Shall we call for a tow truck?
*worf comes back from building up stockpile to use against the borg* durn! they've left! but theres still wesley... MWAHAHAHAAAA!
: Picard: a little late there worf...but Wesley will do and there's always the Cardassians
*kaBLOOIE!!!*
Worf: o durn i forgot about them!! *hurries back to room*
Wesley: Dur!
Picard: we just blew u up, so keep quiet!
Wesley: Fine Poopy pants!
Picard: shut UP!!!!!!!!
Picard: Riker, How's the Tow truck coming?
Riker: Not well, there isn't a phone on the enterprise, besides we've almost run out of money!
*data* remember captain? you said we didnt need it
Picard: *zip!*
Data: WE told u that we needed it, but NOOOOOO! u had to be a CHEAP silly, old, bald, frenchman
Riker: I suppose we can just use the viewscreen, but we're almost out of cash!
Picard: Dial 10-10-220! Quick!
*data* hmmm we could REPLICATE some money...
Picard: 10-10-220's Faster
*all work on bridge ceases, then bubbles over in arguement*
*various shouts* Sprint PCS! 1-800-c-a-l-l-a-t-t! Verison! REPLICATE!
*phaser shots*
*one crewman falls dead* You shot 'im dead!
no i didnt...
Extra: I'm not QUITE dead!
Picard: there, you see? he says he's not dead! See? If we just used 10-10-220 like I SAID....
*crewman #7* how can we use 10-10-220 if we dont have a phone
Picard: it says on these controls right here!
there's a little keypad!
*data* ...no it doesnt!
Riker: *ahem* *points to screen with tow truck guy on* I hope I'm not slowing you down...
Picard: y didn't u just say so?
*crew pauses again*
*random shouts* WHAT DID YOU DO? DID YOU USE 10-10-220? DID U HAVE TO REPLICATE MONEY? (and the like)
Riker: just shut up!
Picard: We need a lift Tow-Truck Man!
*TTM* ummm okay *rips off shirt to reveal cape and odd suit* I'm on the way!!!!
*unbenownst to the crew, the Tow-Truck Man is actually.....MRS BAIRD!!!(holy cow it’s a girl actually…)*
*data* maybe we should run some scans on the "repairman"
Picard: Perhaps.... It might add to the plot a little
*commences pressing random buttons at high speeds*
*squeak*
Data: oops, wrong button..
Picard: Mr. Data, do you need oil?
*looks around sheepishly* maaaaaaybe....
Picard: hmmm...right, well carry on…I'm gonna get some coffee and croissants
*audible silence among crew*
Picard: What?
*random comments* oh, uh, nothing (and other ad-libs)
*crew makes themselves look busy*
*looks around rather alertly* Fine! maybe I won't…Drinks are on me!
Crew: HEAR HEAR!!!!
*repair"MAN" is totally forgotten*
*ad-libs* FREE BEER!!!
*Several hours later, after the replicators have been all beer-ed out...*
Picard: Report! *hic*
*worf* (in drunken speak) well thir, the whole crew is DEAD DRUNK! no one can thtand up thraight
Picard: how *hic* long untiiiillll the *hic* tow truck arrives?
Worf: its already here, aint it?
Picard: it is?
Worf: its been hurr for at least, what, 8 hours?
Picard: oh my! i hope he's not expecting overtime pay...
Data: shall we hail them sir?
*picard* no, i believe we all have too much of a hangover to do anything of importance
*groans in pain* UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Riker: since ur all drunk, can I play the Trombone?
Data: No
*ad libs* NOOO! BY 'ECKY, WE'LL KEEL HAUL YA IFFIN YOU DO DAT!
(and other such things)
Riker: Drat!
*Mrs. Baird Beams over unnoticed by the hung-over crew*
Data: Sir, the person that just got aboard has formed a new center of gravity, it is so big!
*The Crew sobers up, very very very very very fast! everyone starts rotating around the "repairman"*
*"repairman"*MWAHAHAHA! i am not REALLY a old, fat, stupid repairman....but REALLY...I AM...... MRS. BAIRD!!!!!!!!
Picard: how will we get out of this one?
*dunh dunh duuunnnhhh*
*Data rolls his eyes*
*random ad-libs* oh no, not her! i've heard of her before! that bad smoking breath is dangerous!
*baird* now, i will DOT you all on the heads, JUST LIKE THE ASSIGNMENTS I GIVE YOU!!!! MWAHAHAHAAAA!
*more random ad libs*NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*commences to dot everyone's forhead*
Crusher: Sir, those dots are fatal She doesn't even check them!
*EVIL CHORDS!!!!*
and now, for my NEXT foul deed.....
Picard: no more! PLEASE!
Baird: i shall now BREATHE my SMOKE, FILLED BREATH ON YOU!!!!!!! and then.....I SHALL LECTURE YOU ABOUT THE DANGERS OF DRINKING AND SMOKING!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!
Riker: We'll give you brownies! Please let us go!
*data short curcuits*
*baird* hmmmm, BROWNIES you say....hmmmmm
Riker: Yes! BROWNIES!
Baird: the choices...either destroy all of you... or expand my already ENORMOUS WAIST LINE!!!!! the choices....THE CHOICES!!!
Riker: Choose ours!
:-D
Baird: your destruction, or your brownies?
Riker: the ^$*$-ing Brownies!!!!!
*GASP!!!!*
Baird: do NOT use that language in here mister!!!go to the principal's office! you have a detention!
*riker stumps off to the brig*
*suddenly, mrs. baird goes into convulsions. The Crew all drops off the artificial gravity well caused by Mrs. Baird, many broken bones, spinal injuries, bruises, and serious boo-boos occur*
*picard* dr. crusher, what do you make of it?
Crusher: I believe she's having some sort of a Chronic Obstruction Pulmonary Disease!
*crew gasps* GASP!!! *ad lib by crew* what the heck is that...? (and other such things)
Crusher: Don't ask me! I didn't write the script! ask them! *points to Nathan and Nick*
*nathan* ask nicholas, im just writing..
Nicholas: ummm...ask Mrs Vahsholtz.... I learned it in her class....
*realizes that we cant contact her for obvious reasons*
Nicholas: Right! Back to the show!
*back to the bridge. it is clear that crusher has thouroughly explained it to them*
*picard* glad THAT was cleared up! RIGHT! Ok, what should we do about it
*mrs. baird is still in convulsions*
Picard: ... Reccomendations?
*data* well, sir, since she was threatening to destroy us...i believe the choice is fairly easy
Worf: ...LETS BLOW IT UP!!!!!
:-DO:-):-D
*everyone scoffs at him in dismay*
*Mrs. Baird dies*
*data* now kids...
Picard: the moral is....
*groan*
*crew member #5* not to smoke or be fat?
Data: Yes, that's right...
*stupid childrens song*
*picard* no no NO! thats all wrong!
*stupid annoying child music fades away...*
Data: oh?
Picard: ....especially the annoying song part!
the REAL moral is...
*cuts to credits*
*after a few moments of playing, Picard says...* HEY! I WASNT DONE WITH MY LINE YET!!!! you dont just cut off someone in MID-LINE!
what kind of program are you running here?!
Offstage: oops....
Picard: the REAL moral is....
*cuts to commercials*
CUT, PRINT, THATS A WRAP FOLKS!
Picard: HEY!!!!!!!!!!!
Nathan: congratulations nicholas!
*nicholas* another success!
Picard: HEY!!!!
Nicholas: what?
*both turn and look at him*
Nathan: ya, what?
Picard: I was NOT DONE WITH MY LINE!!! There is a moral!
*both* TOO BAD!
Nathan: actually, there isnt one
Nicholas: we could’t find one that suited the plot
Picard: DOH!
All the Techie-type people onstage: silly, old, bald, french guy!
*END!!!!*