A DOLLS HOUSE (gone mad)
Sina: Helmer (H) Jon: Dr. Rank (R) Jenilee: Nora (N)
H: (enters through the door as Darth Vader music is heard, walks to the chair and stares at Nora until the music ends)
N: YOU! (walks around the chair) I have wanted you to arrive, and now you have.
H: Or have I? (walks away but turns around the last second). WHO IS THIS?
N: I think it is time to say goodbye to dressmaker…I AM SMART!
H: HAPPY THOUGHTS!!! (gets up and starts dancing around chair saying it over and over)
N: Nice am I? I think it is time for YOU to go to work! WHAT IS THIS FOOD?
H: THIS IS NO FOOD! WORK! AT HOME! (throws the papers around the room). ABOUT BANK! BANK! You know, ching ching!
N: NOOOOOOOOO!!! (drops on knees) OOOOOOOO! I mean yes…you must do something for me!
H: Something my little birdy num num! What is this something?
H: And will I know what it is?
N: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…yes. It is about the bank…and…and…
H: WHOS AUNT?
N: I its not about your aunt…it is Krogstead…
H: HE IS MY AUNT??? NOOOOOOOOO! (drops on knees)
N: NO! Do you remember Krogstead?
H: My aunt?
N: NO! You told me you were going to fire him! You cant! You have no matches!
H: That is why I am going to work to get matches to fire him! It is time to say goodbye to Krogstead…
N: He must not be fired Helmer!
H: Be wewy wewy quiet, I am hunting wabbit!
N: I SAID HELMER! You cant fire him, because the office doesn’t have smoke alarms.
H: HE IS A VERY BAD EMPLOYEE! HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE BANKING! He brought Windows into the office! WINDOWS! Now all our computers are frozen! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BRINGS WINDOWS INTO AN OFFICE WHEN IT IS -45 DEGRESS CELSIUS OUTSIDE?
H: Besides, Mrs. Linde is getting her position as KROGSTEAD WANNABE!
N: NONO! NO NO NO! Mr. Krogstead writes for the Toronto star. He is Rex Muphy's evil twin! If you fire him, HE WILL DO MASSIVE DAMAGE TO YOUR REPUTATION!
H: My past is past! Now we must look towards the future so we can always be twirling, (starts twirling) TOWARDS FREEDOM! Besides…your father!
N: (kneels down) NOOOOOO!!!
H: I said your father, not I AM your father! I know you are worried the same thing that happened to daddy Nora will happen to me…it wont happen to me.
N: How do you know? There were so many bad things about papa in the Star! Man Eats Car, Man Scares Local Chicken Farm, Man Moons local Tim Hortons…I worry for you Helmer.
H: My dear NOOOOOOOOOOra. You must understand the difference between your father and I. I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!
H: There is a major difference between him and me. I am smart, he was stupid. Don’t you worry about me Nora, nothing like that will happen to me. I am not going to let Krogstead continue his reign of terror. THERE IS A MONSTER HERE! I CALL THIS MONSTER KROGSTEAD, AND WE MUST FREE THE OFFICE FROM THE WRATH OF HIS NEON CLAWS!
N: Helmer, think before you say what you are saying! Please!
H: NEVER! THIS BEAST MUST BE SLAIN! I will not allow Krogstead get in my way for WORLD DOMINATION…ON THE INTERNET!!! BWAHWHAWHA! Besides, I don’t like something about him…
N: What is it Helmer that you don’t like.
H: (stares at her for a moment not knowing) HE STINKS! I used to know him when we were little sissy boys. He stunk then and he stinks now, there is no stopping him…He hasn’t taken a shower for more than a few decades! He must be fired. Besides, the tone he uses on me when talking to me is bad. "HELLO HELMER SIR!" The point is that I expect him to kneel down before me and say, "I HAIL THEE EMPEROR HELMER, GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!" MRS. LINDE WILL! THAT’S THE POINT!
N: And Mrs. Linde will do this?
H: No, but that's not the point.
N: You are confused Helmer.
H: (is caught aghast) MOI? CONFUSED? NEVER! HOW DARE YOU! Are you saying that I am confused? DO YOU SAY I AM CONFUSED?
N: No dear, it is just the opposite, I meant that it is because you are confused that Krogstead will not do these things.
H: (looks around confused) What…where am I? Who are you? IM SOO CONFUSED! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME CONFUSED! Now you have done it…this cannot be. (takes the papers and steps off) HELEN!
N: What are you doing?
H: It is time to say goodbye to my letter for his firing…(slam is heard) DONE! (he walks back)
N: NOOOOOO! Don’t do this! You are on the brink of madness!
H: Am I really? Well its too late anyways. Helen can teleport from here to Krogstead. The message is delivered! My dear Nora. I love you, and I understand your caring for me, but Krogstead had to go. I am strong, I can handle whatever he can throw at me. (newspaper hits him in the back). Proof enough that I am fine! STRONG! You will see that I can pick up anything I want to.
N: What are you saying?
H: I was being metaphorical, that means you will see that I am a man who can do things by himself…all alone, NO NEED TO HELP!
N: I would never let you. We are in this together. Whatever comes next Helmer, we will face it together. Whatever dangers come, whatever horrors, whatever events. We will stay together. (getting heroic and Helmer is leaving). WE SHALL FACE EVERYTHING! OVERCOME OBSTICLES! AND RID THE WORLD OF ALL EVIL! AND WITH YOU AT MY SIDE (looks around). Helmer?
H: (sticks his head back in). Are you still talking? OH WHERE ARE MY MANNERS, I didn’t exit properly! (sits back down on the chair, gets up and starts walking backwards to the darth vader music).
N: OH NO!! (twirls around) NONONO! This cant be! Krogstead will be fired! My fate is sealed! (knocking is heard) NO! IT’S KROGSTEAD COME TO GET ME! Its like that movie where the guy kills the other people by knocking on the doors. There is only one thing to do. (picks up a chair and opens door, Rank is standing there)
R: I say, what are you doing with that chair?
N: DR. RANK! I was uh…about to hit you with this rendering you dead…
R: Ah…I see. (walks in casually). I hope I am not disturbing.
N: (eyes him wildly). You are very a disturbed man… But I always have time for you!
R: Ah! Thank you! I will use as much of your time as I can.
N: What you say?
R: Why, I am a time traveler. I have time travelers points. More I travel, the more I can get points. Soon I will have so many points, that I could buy a house full of cats and throw them at people I don’t like! Because you see, I am now bankrupt! I bet everything on a horse that couldn’t run…on a dog race! I am going to die…
N: NO! Such a thing to say! And I was hoping you would be in a good mood.
R: I AM! CAUSE THEN I WILL LEAVE THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! BWAHWHAHWAHWHAWHAWHAWHAWH! I mean, no wait, I was right the first time…BWAHWHAHWHAHW! My spine hurts, it had to suffer soo much from my father's youthful amusements.
N: You mean he was very very drunk and crazy and kept kicking you for no reason other than he just found you annoying.
R: I SAY! WHATS COOKING! Well whatever it is, I will have some! Watch this Nora! (starts clapping and Helmer walks in to the darth vader music, hands him pots, pans, apron etc and walks out). YES! This will do! (pushes a table close to him) NOW LETS GET COOKING! First you take some truffles and oysters, and anything you can find in the house. Now remember, this is not for you to eat, this is for some poor sap to eat! And just for the sake of it, lets throw you in (grabs onto Nora and she pushes back)
N: YOU SILLY! I am not going to be cooked!
R: Why did you laugh?
N: YOU LAUGHED! My am I in a silly mood today. Heres something else to throw in. Stockings.
R: (just stares) Silk stockings…
N: AND I WILL BE WEARING THEM TOMORROW AT THE DANCE! I will dance and you can pretend it is all for you!
R: Too late…
N (slaps him) YOU SICK MAN! YOU VERY SICK DISTURBED MAN!
R: You quiet! It’s the year 2001! Everything thinks like this now! I am going to miss all this.
N: Where are you going?
R: TO THE FARTHEST PLACE! HALFWAY INTO HEAVEN!
N: Why halfway?
R: Because then I would be heading out.
N: The food is burning.
R: That’s ok. Its Torvald's dinner anyway.
N: You know, being with Torvald is like being with my own father.
R: He is your father! DNA testing proved it!
N: WHAT? HUH?
R: Yeah, he is your father! And he is in very bad shape. Just like Torvald is.
N: But…Torvald is…my father?
R: WHAT? DON’T YOU LISTEN? HE IS YOUR FATHER! NOT TORVALD!
N: I don’t follow.
R: YOU STUPID! I SAID TORVALD! He is your father! TORVALD IS NOT!
N: I was right, you are a very disturbed man.
R: No, it’s the year 2001, its possible for this to happen. Cloning. Actually, Torvald is a clone of someone else, half man!
N: And whats the other half?
R: ALSO MAN! It was a weird procedure, but we did it! 100% SATISFACTION!
N: So he is a clone…but I am not satisfied!
R: Exactly! The clone hasn’t arrived yet!
N: BUT TORVALD IS IN THERE RIGHT NOW DOING WORK!
R: Yeah well, the clone within! AHA! The clone within has not yet risen! Soon it will rise and it will take over his body! TORVALD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! Actually, he will because his clone is of him with all his memories.
N: And when do you expect this to happen?
R: Right now…(knock on door, Nora jumps back)
N: ITS KROGSTEAD!
(Rank goes and opens the door and darth vader music is heard as Helmer walks in)
H: (he eyes Dr. Rank) WHAT? HELLO! NOOORAAAH!!! RAAAAANK!
N: But… you are already here!
H: I know! I just arrived!
N: Wait, if you are here…then who was the man here before?
N: NO! The other guy! (gasps) KROGSTEAD!
(voice of crazy Krogstead is heard, "FOOLS! I am Krogstead! MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE! But I am also all of your fathers…"
(everyone kneels down in pain yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)