A short time ago in all of space right here…
WAR OF CHAOS 3.5!!!
Episode Thirty-Three: They’re Heeeeeere!
There was a moment of tranquillity as all of the Jacks yelled out in one unified voice and flew at the two newly appeared beings. The first being was a girl (or so she appeared), roughly 15 years of age, long blonde hair, light green eyes, a neon green top and neon green pants (imagine a really powerful hippie on neon steroids). The second being was a boy, roughly the same age, about 15, with long pitch black hair that was tied at the back, dark blue eyes, a dark blue sweater and pant outfit. Looking absolutely harmless, everyone in the Multiverse wondered why all the Jacks had just snapped, they were soon to find out why.
“ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” They all yelled flying at Stephanie and Steve. They both stared at one another and aimed their palms at the oncoming Jacks.
“ No more talking…” Stephanie said chuckling slightly, her voice echoing throughout the Multiverse.
There was a flash of green and blue light and Jack sensed around him as his reality counter parts were wiped out from total existence. Imagine seeing yourself vaporise, over and over again, hearing the same scream of pain and unforgivable failure, knowing that you failed, wanting to die…and realising that you are still alive.
Jack’s body fell onto an asteroid making a large thud. The green and blue light vanished and everyone gasped to their horror as they realised all of the Jacks except the one which had absorbed all of the coded power, had been completely killed.
Jibran, Gates and Spears looked at one another, “YOU DON’T INTERRUPT OUR EVIL LAUGHTER YOU BASTARD GUYS!” Jibran yelled shaking a fist.
“ TURING! PROCEDURE DESTROY SHITHEADS!” Gates yelled. Turing smiled and flew at Stephanie and Steve with incredible speed, glowing white as he compiled his ultimate delete command.
The energy hit the two beings and they stood floating in the air as though nothing had happened. Turing continued to crash his body against the bodies of the two beings and found that no matter how hard it tried, it wasn’t doing anything.
“ Turing? How are you old friend?” Steve said smiling slightly.
“ YOU KNOW THEM?” Spears yelled out surprised.
“ Of course! We destroyed him multiple times…as we are about to now.” Stephanie said smiling, a grin that sent shivers down the spines of the entire Multiverse.
“ Now…die…” Steve said smiling. Steve closed his eyes and Turing vanished not before giving a Windows Crash beep.
“ YOU DON’T KILL TURING YOU BASTARD GUY!” Jibran yelled. He flew at Stephanie and Steve, arms full of energy when Jack kneed him in the face sending him crashing into the asteroid.
“ YOU TOTAL BAFOON! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! Oh and by the way, that kneeing you in the face…that’s for destroying the last hope for this Multiverse…” Jack turned to Stephanie and Steve and glared at them with intensity.
“ I see you are glad to see us…” Stephanie said. “I recall last we met, you believed you destroyed us…then again, here we are now…so you misfired and killed Comrad One for no reason…fool…”
Jack made fists and lunged at Stephanie, “DON’T YOU EVER SPEAK ONE’S NAME!!!” His energies reached their max as he and Stephanie both vanished the moment Jack flew at her.
Suddenly the skies were filled with random explosions and planets suddenly blowing up on account of being surprised at the power the two were displaying.
“ THEYRE GONNA KILL US ALL!” Gates yelled.
“ SHUT UP!” Jibran yelled trying to place his jaw back into place.
They watched above as Jack took on Stephanie, using the entire Multiverse as their battlefield, and solar systems as their soccer balls.
“ Well I am getting bored…” Steve said.
“ EVERYONE!! ATTACK HIM!!!” Jack yelled quickly. Everyone in the Multiverse looked at one another as if unsure what to do. Then realising they had nothing better to do, decided on actually attacking.
As they flew towards Steve, Rama laughed, “HAHA! HOW DO THEY THINK THEY WILL SURVIVE AGAINST ALL OF US?”
Steve smiled and said: “This is how…” Suddenly, Steve had passed through the bodies of 15 people in less than nothing of a second and the 15 people died. Obviously, Steve was very fast and suddenly everyone realised it was futile to try and beat him, but they would put up a pretty good fight…
“ THEY FOUGHT LIKE WARRIOR POETS!” Graham yelled flying at Steve,
::insert closeup:: “They fought like Scotsmen…” And thus began the battle of 10 to the exponent 1505050505 to the exponent 1233455 to the exponent 37128374 to the exponent 2982923 people against one being…and Jack against Stephanie…
“WELCOME TO SO YOU DON’T EXIST ANYMORE, THE GAME SHOW WHERE WE MOCK THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T EXIST ANYMORE!” A booming voice yelled.
“ Oh please! Do NOT tell me this is the afterlife!” Jon yelled.
Sina stepped up from behind him and looked around. All around them was pitch black, nothing but black, like a starless piece of space…Jon felt kinda at home…
“ Cant be the afterlife…where’s the clouds, or the lousy application forms?” Sina said. Jon nodded in agreement. Suddenly the area around them became filled with trillions and quadrillions of Sina and Jon.
“ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” All the Sinas yelled at the same time.
“ WELCOME ALL OF YOU TO SO YOU DON’T EXIST ANYMORE! IM YOUR HOST!” The booming voice yelled.
“ OH MY GOD! WERE ALL HERE! Shit!” One of the Sinas yelled. “That means none of us can merge to save the Multiverse!”
“ Yeah, we are pretty well much screwed…” One of the Jons replied.
“ AND NOW! THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! INTRODUCTION!! EVERYONE HERE MUST INTRODUCE THEMSELVES!” The booming voice yelled.
“ NO!” Sina and Jon (from our reality) yelled at the same time.
“ HI! IM JON!” “ HI IM SINA!” “ HI! IM JON!” “ HI IM SINA!”
Sina and Jon looked around and shook their heads, “This could take a while…”
“You have improved slightly since last we fought!” Stephanie said flying backwards. “And you have gotten much uglier! What happened to your other eye, tripped over a stick, CLUMSY FOOL!”
Jack lunged at her once again and for the first time actually got a fist on her face: “DON’T YOU EVER MOCK ME YOU…YOU…AAARRRRGHHH!!” Jack aimed his palms at Stephanie and released a large beam of energy. The energy his Stephanie and she flew right through a star causing it to go nova.
“ It is impolite to hit a girl…one especially younger than you…” Stephanie said as the star around her went nova. A purplish haze filled the area they were fighting in and the gravity in the area was altered drastically.
For those that were not strong enough, they were booted by a large nova boot sending them many lightyears away. For those that were strong enough, they remained unaffected and continued fighting against Steve.
Jack unleashed everything he had at Stephanie and found that she was slightly faster than he was. Frustrated, Jack decided to let out a cry of anger and then attacked again. At that moment, Steve aimed his palms at a large group of people and completely blew them to trillions of bits. All in a seconds worth…
“ YES YES! I KNOW MR. FUNCKLE! There is nothing we can do about this! You must wait in line!” The afterlife attendant said.
“ WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I JUST DIED! LET ME INTO HEAVEN! I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT IN THE LINE!” The balding old man said.
“ YOU MUST WAIT! JAMES! LET THEM ALL THROUGH!” Suddenly, in the afterlife, a large horde of people started rushing at the Gates of heaven and started chanting: “LET US IN!”
God stood by the gates, an army of angels behind him, “I am sorry, we are temporarily full…go to hell and don’t come back.” So the mob of dead people rushed to the gates of hell where Charon was waiting with his boat…slightly sinking due to having too many people on it.
“ DAMN YOU PEOPLE! TO HEAVY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EATING! STOP! GET OFF!” Charon yelled pushing people off the boat to hell with his paddle. “THIS BOAT HAS A CAPACITY OF THREE PEOPLE…NOT THREE TRILLION! GET OFF ALL OF YOU!” He starting pushing more people and to his horror felt the boat tip over…and it did and Charon fell into the water screaming,
“ NONO!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SWIM!”
Those that could swim, swam across the river all the way to the Gates of Hell where Satan waited for them with an army of demons.
“ I am cheerfully sorry…no room…go to heaven and stay there.” Satan said.
“ WE WERE JUST THERE AND THEY SENT US HERE CAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE ROOM!” Someone from the mob yelled.
“ Why don’t you all shut up and go to one of them alien afterlifes…you know like the ones Klingons have…” Satan said crossing his arms stubbornly.
“ WHY? BECAUSE THEYRE FULL TOO! I HAD MY FATHER SENT TO SOME CRAZY ASS AFTERLIFE WE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF!”
Meanwhile at that same instant in the Crazy Fish Afterlife: “ I DON’T KNOW WHAT AFTERLIFE I AM IN!” An old man yelled in distress: “THE GODS HERE DON’T SPEAK MY LANGUAGE!”
“ Glah Blah Glug…” The god said.
“ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” The old man said running away.
“ Well…look, there isnt any room here!” Satan yelled. He opened a holographic image of hell and everyone gasped. People were crammed together and there wasn’t a single breath of room. “See! There is no room! Get outah here! ADOLPH! GET ME GOD ON THE PHONE!”
Hitler ran by dialling God’s number and said, “ACH! HERE YOU GO MEIN FUHRER!” Satan grabbed the phone and God answered,
“ YOU TOTAL SHITHEAD! THERE IS NO ROOM AND YOU SENT THEM DOWN HERE?” Satan yelled.
God’s voice yelled back, “IVE GOT NO ROOM HERE EITHER! We cant give their lives back as quickly as they’re coming! What the hell is going on in the real world? Why are people dying before we can bring them back to life? If this continues the mass of the afterlife will go past infinity all the way to nothingness! We gotta get rid of the problem! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?”
Satan heard someone yell out, “Two powerful beings just appeared and started killing us all.”
God replied, “THEN THEY MUST BE STOPPED! SATAN! TO THE GODMOBILE!”
“ Uh…don’t you mean SATAMOBILE?” Satan asked.
“ Sorry…” The afterlife repair man said coming out of nowhere, “Both cars are still in the shop…someone poured sugar into the gas tank and were having a tough time removing it…”
“ VERY WELL THEN! GET ME ADAM WEST!” God yelled.
“ Why him?” Satan asked.
Suddenly, Adam West fell down through a hole out of nowhere with the Batmobile. “GET IN! Get outah the car Batman…” God said throwing Adam West out of the BatMobile. Together, they took the Batmobile to the nearest 401 highway (yes, the 401 eventually leads to the afterlife… no one bothers to drive that far though…) and headed back to the Multiverse.
“ DIE DIE DIE!” Jack yelled punching Stephanie as hard as he could. He could feel himself getting light-headed and loosing energy fast. But nothing would stop him now. Now he would finish the job he failed to do years ago. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the remaining Multiverse was taking on Steve. He could sense the number of people dying each second…over three hundred fifty six quantoplex (a number beyond human imagination) and he shrugged as he realised that infinity minus a number like that was going to result eventually in zero. Sooner or later, everyone was going to die…
“ This is going to be one hell of a battle…” Jack said. At that moment he started to sense something strange…two powerful energy readings, greater than his own were flying in their direction.
“ HEEERRREESSS GODDY!” God yelled hopping out of the Batmobile along with Satan. The two were very large and both pointed at Stephanie and Steve, “The two of you must stop this or-“ But they never had the chance to finish.
There was a rushing sound, Stephanie and Steve grabbed onto Satan and God’s finger, tossed them at a black hole. “ CRUD! MY ASS IS STUCK IN A BLACK HOLE!” Got yelled.
“ YEAH? ME TOO!” Satan yelled in pain. God and Satan freed themselves from their traps and flew at Stephanie and Steve, Satan yelling, “I WILL SEND YOU BOTH TO HELL! !BWAHAHWHAWAHWAHWAH!”
God and Satan stopped when they saw Stephanie and Steve yawning. “What? Our size and godliness doesn’t intimidate you?”
Steve took a deep breath, gritted his teeth and said, “God…buddy…let me ask you something…ever been dead?” Steve placed his arms around God in a friendly gesture. God admitted that in fact he had never been dead,
“ But you fool! There is no way to kill me! I AM GOD FOR GODS SAKE!”
Steve smiled and said, “Its always good to try new things…” Suddenly, the arm that was around God exploded into energy and God started screaming in pain.
“ WHAT THE HELL?” Satan yelled. But before he could do anything, Stephanie had already sent a single ball of energy at him. The two gods disintegrated from all sight. Everyone in the Multiverse stared at Stephanie an Steve…their jaws 1 meter lower than where they had previously been.
“ YOU JUST…YOU JUST…” Graham could not finish it, so Jibran rushed in and yelled, “ YOU KILLED GOD!!! AND SATAN!!!”
“ Yeah…it isnt as if it was a challenge or anything…” Stephanie said smiling.
Jack had one thing to say that summed a lot of things up at this point. He said it and moments later the Multiverse went back into chaos. “Holy shit!”
God and Satan were in the large line up in the afterlife, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GOTTA WAIT IN LINE? I AM GOD FOR CHRISTS SAKE! I DON’T NEED TO WAIT IN LINE! I AM GOD!!!!”
The afterlife official frowned and said, “Nope…sorry. I don’t care if your “god” or “yo bastard guy”, you still gotta wait in line like everyone else. We aren’t letting anyone in quicker than they should be. Afterlife policy. You gotta wait in line like everyone else.”
“ WHAT KIND OF IDIOT SET THAT POLICY???” God yelled angrily.
“ You did sir…”
Satan placed his arm around God and said very bitterly, “Oh! You really blew it this time God! First you exiled me from heaven, now this…ARENT YOU TIRED OF SCREWING EVERYTHING UP!?!??!”
God thought about the fact that he was now dead and said: “Its times like this where I wish I could pray to god for some mercy for the people that are about to die because of Stephanie and Steve… and then I remember…I am god…and I am dead… awww CRAP!!!”