1X09 SPACE

"Houston, we've got a problem."
Jim Lovell Apollo 13

"Houston, we have a moron, out."
Mike Nelson MST3K The Phantom Planet

"We suggest you start breathing in shifts."
Crow MST3K Space Travelers

"It stinks!"
Jay Sherman The Critic

"Oh, this is a great episode. One of the best episodes ever... for me to poop on!"
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Late Night with Conan O'Brien

SYNOPSIS

HOUSTON SPACE CENTER
PRESENT DAY
Someone's sabotaging the shuttle.

SCULLYVISION

Since Scully is useless in this episode, and her nickname seems to be StupidScully, this Lyceum review is only to give the riot act to this waste of an hour. Space is bad for the very reasons we love so many countless other episodes, including the one that aired right before this one, Ice. Scully was an idiot skeptic in this one and an intuitive scientific doctor in others.

There's bad stuff going on in Space. One of the workers from NASA, Michelle Generoo comes to Mulder and Scully the first time and introduces herself to Mulder only and shakes only his hand. Not a good start. Scully has to introduce herself. Michelle didn't ask, Mulder didn't tell. This is the exchange:

MICHELLE: I have reason to believe there may be a saboteur at work inside NASA.
MULDER: Do you have evidence of sabotage?
MICHELLE: I don't know. I may... (yada yada yada...) This was sent to me in the mail.

Huh? If she had reason to believe there may be a saboteur, she's got evidence! Or maybe she doesn't know. But she might. But she does have that something in the mail! But that might not be evidence... Scully should have rolled her eyes and walked home, as there was no way Mulder would give her a lift. In the whole exchange with Michelle, Scully's only used by asking, "What? Why? Who?"

Then this goodie:

MICHELLE: I believe in the space program. I believe in the people who run it, but there's another launch window tomorrow and my reasons may sound selfish, but my fiancee is a shuttle commander on that mission.

Why is she worried that it may sound selfish? Of course she'd be selfish about her fiancé on a doomed mission! Come right out and admit it, what's the problem with that? Unless the problem is, she wouldn't be working on that mission if she's personally involved?

After the credits, the first thing out of Scully's mouth is:

SCULLY: Why would somebody want to sabotage the Space Shuttle?

Come on Scully! I can think of 800 people who would, why not just have her tick some of them off? No. Wait. That's Mulder's job.

MULDER: Well, if you were a terrorist, there probably isn't a more potent symbol of American progress and prosperity. And if you're an opponent of big science, NASA itself represents a vast money trench that exists outside the crucible and debate of the democratic process. And of course there are those futurists who believe the Space Shuttle is a rusty old bucket that should be moth balled. A dinosaur spacecraft built in the 70's by scientists setting their sights on space in an ever declining scale.

Sounds like CC's been reading. Who talks like that?

Again, irritation. Scully and Mulder walk into Belt's office, after, of course, hearing from Mulder just why we should all look up to that man. Scully introduces herself and shakes his hand and was going to introduce Mulder (as he wouldn't bother introducing her), but she's cut off by Mulder introducing himself. Rude. And let's talk about the name of Belt, and how CC could have come up with that one. No, let's not.

Scully at least gets to ask the right questions of Belt, who comes up with this as a reason not to dely the lift off that extra day that Michelle deems possible after showing him the valve photo:

BELT: The part you have here, has been installed, inspected, and designed by over 100 highly trained technicians. With the security measures we take, it would be virtually impossible for one man working by himself, or two or four men, to do what you are suggesting. I can assure you there isn't a person in this facility that doesn't want to see that shuttle go into space, complete its mission, and come back like winged victory herself. And in about ten hours, God willing, you're gonna see just that.

When was the Challenger explosion? I don't know much about NASA and am not one to blindly trust any governmental unit, but the embarrassment of another fatality of an expensive space shuttle and it's crew and payload would be detrimental to the program and if there were FBI agents telling them that their shuttle was unsafe, especially since they've narrowed down the specific valve that the problem could be, I think they'd look it over. He wouldn't just dismiss them. And, it's his butt if something happens.

Then this later:

SCULLY: And who makes the final determination as to its safety?
TECH GUY: Oh we make a recommendation, but ultimately, the decision is Col Belt's.

Belt before told them that they could watch the liftoff because they'd probably go over his head for permission anyway. So, just who's in charge here?

I'm sure CC spent most of his brain cells on getting the lift off technical things right. Maybe. I don't know. All my knowledge about the space program comes from Apollo 13 and The Right Stuff.

Then another irritation... I hate Michelle:

She runs to Mulder and Scully in a hotel hallway:

MICHELLE: Mulder! Wait!

I don't think she even looked at Scully, let alone talked to her during the whole scene.

Now to the car accident... I wouldn't even let Mulder move Michelle as she could have broken her back or was caught on something that could tear a muscle or God forbid break a bone, let alone Scully. He just yanks her out anyway, because she, of course, has to be in mission control when fiancé comes home safely later in the script.

Then as soon as Michelle's on her feet by the car, StupidScully asks her, "Are you okay?" She doesn't check her over like I would assume a doctor who was present when an accident victim was pulled out of an overturned car would. For malpractice or wrongful injury if anything. I don't like StupidScully and hope to never see her again.

Then again in mission control during all the drama, Scully asks Mulder, "Is it going to work?" Like he'd know. But maybe he would, he can pick out the obvious that she can't in this episode.

When Michelle told her fiancé to take care and they'd get them back on radio in two minutes or something, StupidScully asked SmartyPantsMulder, "What just happened?" And he replied, "They cut off contact with the shuttle." Thanks Mulder.

Then the stupid overly drawn out, will they or won't they re-establish contact with the shuttle... I'm on the edge of my seat! (As I dropped a potato chip and I'm leaning over to pick it up.)

BELT: You know what it means to be an astronaut, sir? You risk your life every time you get into your spacecraft for nothing more than the good progress of mankind.

Give me a break. I'm sure it's more to do with testosterone and daredevil aspects and actually getting to be in space and a load of other things. Even SmartyPantsMulder should see through that garbage.

MULDER: Sir, I have to ask. I'm sorry, it's my job. Do you think someone is sabotaging the shuttle?
BELT: My answer to you sir, will be to bring those men back safely to earth.

Only God and CC knows what that means.

After yet another drama aboard the space shuttle, Mulder and Scully are sent to fetch Belt from his apartment. HUH? Wouldn't NASA have someone to do that? With flashing lights and high speed travel?

StupidScully asks:

SCULLY: Why does she need Belt?
MULDER: Michelle doesn't know how serious the leak is.
SCULLY: It's an oxygen leak. Even I can figure out what happens when you run out of oxygen.

Glad you can figure something out, Scully. But... if Belt's the one who makes all decisions on the shuttle, wouldn't he need to be there for the space flight?? Wouldn't he stay at mission control during the shuttle flight as there are beds and rooms available there. I know that, after going through Rice University and mission control once. It was enough for NASA to fire Belt's butt that he went home when there could be danger to the shuttle since he's the one in charge. Isn't he? Or isn't he?

BELT: I want you to stay in your suits. And then I want you to prepare to use your emergency oxygen systems. And then I want you...to...deliver your payload.
MICHELLE: Those are men up there.

What was wrong with that order? He's keeping the men safe and he's delivering the payload. Should they just sit up there worrying about their dilemma? Better to put your mind on what you have to do, not what could happen when the air supply is gone. Oh, there's terrible things wrong... but it wasn't terrible enough to stop the launch in the first place! Forget about the payload, let the astronauts just sit on their hands and worry and get them home. That sounds about right. Ah huh. And on and on, I can't watch anymore. Skip this episode at all cost.

OH COME ON!

See above.

THINGS LEARNED
or All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From the X Files

Only learned one thing. If people the caliber of Generoo and Belt are what's running the shuttle program, we're in big trouble.

JACK'S MONSTERVISION

Talk about your peaks and valleys. From a high point of the last episode "Ice", the series then presents us with this piece of bad writing, directing, and the horribly conceived MOTW. Is it a ghost? An alien? The worst that is inside all of us that only presents itself to the affected individual as the Face on Mars? In a word, lame. Whatever it is, it can possess people, sabotage the space program, try to run people off the road, and then make the person jump out a window. All astronauts, keep this in mind: If during a space walk you see the Face on Mars, run, don't walk, straight to the nearest psychiatrist. It will save NASA a lot of money and headaches, and Philes won't have to deal with it. Whatever the monster is, it receives a 1 out of 5 sabotaged valves on the space shuttle.

SFX

Stock space footage, need one say more. Also, during the night launch, there's a clip of men walking around the base of the shuttle just prior, in the daytime, and shouldn't be anywhere near the shuttle that close to launch. Nice morphing of the face on Mars with Belt, but then it helps when you cast a man who's face is exactly the same.

WRITER
Chris Carter

Stupid premise to begin with.

DIRECTOR
William Graham

Don't recall seeing his name as director for another X File, seems about right.

RUNNING TALLIES
Guns - both Mulder and Scully, who knows why.
(But the again, you really have to keep an eye on renegade computer nerds)
Sunflower Seeds - Scully ate them too!
Mulder Breaks a Law - Could have had quite a lawsuit by Michelle is she were injured

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Okay Marty,

It's time for a discussion about your behavior during our case at NASA. Don't show me those puppy dog eyes of yours, I'm ticked and it won't work. I know, I know, you don't think you behaved any different than you normally do. And I have to almost agree because you have shown a lot of lapses in manners over our time together, but here's the scoop.

First of all, you did not introduce me to anyone we met on the case. Not to your idol Belt, or to that woman. What was her name? Ms. Generoo? What kind of a name is that? Sounds made up. I had to introduce myself. I'm your partner, Mulder, and you completely forgot I was even there. We're equals in the X Files, I'm not your tagalong. I'm not someone to just keep you company. When I asked you during the drama with the oxygen levels on the shuttle what's happening, I didn't appreciate the kindergarten reply that I could figure out myself. I was asking the bigger picture. Or maybe I wasn't, I admit it was a stupid question. At least I tried to stay awake during the whole thing, you should give me points for that. For how enamored I am with the space program and how you ran things past me like a normal partner would, I could just as well have stayed home and braided my hair. If it was long enough. Do you think I should grow it out again?

I can deal with your little lapses in manners, your fanatical pining of all things flying out in space, but you did one thing that really took the cake, Marty. When a Medical Doctor, Special Agent of the FBI, your Partner tells you point blank not to move a car accident victim from the car because there could be damage done to her body, I expect you to listen to me. You are damn lucky that woman didn't wrench her back, slip a disc, break a bone or any of a thousand medical conditions that could have happened while you were yanking her out of the mangled wreckage. Granted, she had you wrapped around her little finger, but how fast would she have sued your butt if you hurt her? I bet you would have relied on me then, wouldn't you? But, I wouldn't have been able to defend you, you completely disregarded my input. You would have had to lie in the bed you made.

Scully

~~~~~~~~~~

Scully, honey,

What do you mean our case. It was my case, you're still a rookie and were along to learn a few things and that's why I felt the need to continuously explain simple things to you. Clearly you didn't know much back then or you wouldn't have asked why anyone would want to sabotage the shuttle. I should have just responded flippantly with why would someone who was a genius live in a hole and mail bombs to people. But no, I took the time to give you a comprehensive thoughtful answer.

Anyway, I realize that ever since Bad Blood, it seems to be a fact that you and I see things differently. And my perception is usually closer to reality than yours, except for the buck teeth, of course. For example, I did not fail to introduce you to Col. Belt, it was you who actually failed to introduce me.

And how can you say we are equal on the X-Files? You don't even have a desk. And regarding "that woman" there is nothing wrong with the name Gereroo-hoo.

Yes you did indeed ask a stupid question or two. When there was a huge build up about cutting off all contact with the shuttle and then everything went dead, you asked "what just happened?" I then explained that they cut off all contact with the shuttle. However, I must admit I also had my less-than-brilliant moments. Like when I yelled the orders "I don't want anyone coming in or out of this building who doesn't have proper clearance." That probably wasn't exactly a brand new concept at NASA headquarters. I doubt if their security people responded 'damn, wish we had thought of that.' But you never know.

Now back to Ms. Gereroohoo. You gotta love it when I gave her a thumbs up in the control room. And how about that big hug toward the end.

But I do know what you meant about staying awake. Boy all that stock footage of space stuff was really boring.

And Scully, I confess that back then I kept forgetting that you were Doctor Scully. So I did kind of yank Ms. G out of the wreckage, and I ignored your suggestions that I was about to kill Belt when his BP was dropping and I do apologize that when you and I found Belt under his desk, I did mumble something like "get a doctor."

Well Scully, it all just goes to show that we have come a long way. And I don't think you should let your hair grow out. We both now have better hair days than we used to.

Mulder

QUOTES

MULDER ...to deny us evidence.
SCULLY Evidence of what?
MULDER Alien civilization.
SCULLY Oh. Of course.

SCULLY Didn't you want to get his autograph?

SCULLY Yeah, it ranks right up there with getting a pony and learning how to braid my own hair.

SCULLY It's an oxygen leak. Even I can figure out what happens when you run out of oxygen.