THE X FILES LYCEUM

312 WAR OF THE COPROPHRAGES

"It's a Kafka high. You feel like a bug."
Joan Lee on the joys of injecting oneself with insecticide - Cronenberg's Naked Lunch

"We're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on 12."
"That's gotta be some cockroach."
"Bite your head off, man."
Dr. Venkman to hotel guest
Ghostbusters

MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS
After hearing of UFO sightings in the area, Mulder goes out one night to investigate, and soon is hip-high in corpses as a result of cockroaches, as Scully gives that cute little Queegqueg a flea bath, reads, cleans her gun, eats ice cream, and is a researching goddess.

SCULLYVISION

Mulder starts out this investigation of the happenings in Miller's Grove, MA, because of accounts of UFO's in the night skies, alone. It isn't until there's a dead body that he has Scully come in, probably not wanting to waste her time as she probably isn't the best alien-siting-chaser to ride shotgun.

During a night time phone call, Mulder asks Scully about if she's ever felt she was being watched from the skies (a tentative topic considering she had been abducted by someone or something not long ago...), and Scully reverts to the scientific, talking about random laws of biology and the astronomical probability of aliens visiting our world. Of course, true to Mulder form, he makes a sexual joke, and actually gets a laugh out of her. Their relationship is getting more comfortable with each and every case they investigate. They can drop movie references with each other, one up each other with trivia, and Mulder can reveal a deep dark secret from his past where he screamed in a manly way, which Scully was smart enough to know that he was probably spot on correct again when he said he let out a "girlie scream."

Mulder probably admits that his quest to find proof of alien existence is futile, but just "need to keep looking." Scully, ever the agent to keep an eye on him, to steer him and his quest in the right direction, tells him, "Yeah, well, don't look too hard. You might not like what you find."

Even though Scully had wanted a life a while back, every time the phone rings, she just assumes it's Mulder. They don't go through the motions of "Scully, it's me," or "Mulder, it's me," they just start talking, continuing their conversation that Mulder usually cut off.

SmartScully is phoned - as opposed to being hung up on - frequently by Mulder, and she has answers to all of his questions including on-target diagnoses of deaths. How many times does Mulder 'ditch' Scully in this episode? Let's take a count. 1. When they're talking on the phone while Mulder's in his car and Scully's cleaning her gun. 2. When he spots Bambi. 3. Just after Mulder revealed his girlie scream when seeing a praying mantis as a child. Good thing he didn't when she entered the alternate fuel manufacturing plant.

As the alternative fuel scientist, the local police chief, and Mulder are all wondrously looking at dead bodies, Scully comes up with perfectly viable reasons for the deaths, while she's hundreds of miles away, such as anaphylactic shock, suffering from delusions while stoned, a brain aneurysm

Scully reads "Breakfast at Tiffany's," probably wishing she could have rescued her partner's alter ego - David Duchvony - from his Jeopardy blunder. While Mulder's collecting dead bodies, Scully finally had enough phone calls to motivate her to do some research about cockroaches, to help out in her own way. Scully tries to talk Mulder out of breaking into a government facility, but once he's inside, she asks what's happening.

Does Mulder, in the midst of what Scully would deem a lost cause and the reason for his non-life of chasing flying saucers, need to show Scully that he may indeed have one by flirting with Bambi, and talking about her often to Scully? When Bambi asks if her scientific detachment disturbs him, Mulder finds it "refreshing." Who's he kidding? Scully does that almost every episode.

As for Scully, when she first hears about a scientist who agreed with her assumption of a new species of cockroach in the town from Mulder, she's pleased and proud of herself... until she finds out the scientist is female, and that her name is Bambi. Is she mocking Mulder with a few quips, or making herself feel better? Or both?

After too many deaths-and too many Bambi references by Mulder-Scully decides to come up there. Mulder doesn't think she has to as the latest death was probably just a heart attack. He doesn't think she should come to help him investigate. Did Scully's investigative skills rub off on Mulder so that he's finding alternate ways of death than just cockroaches, or is it because he doesn't want his worlds to collide when Scully and Bambi might be in the same room?

After a long night with mundane tasks, her disobedient dog, and calls from Mulder, Scully walks into mania at a convenience store and tries to be official and calm. That doesn't work, so she matches the citizens' decibel level in order to be heard. Not being sucked into their hysteria, Scully even eats the 'cockroaches' (Choco Droppings) on the floor. As there's madness around her, Scully is still trying to make the pieces fit to explain the happenings of the town.

We get to see and not just assume JealousScully when she finally comes face to face with this scientist named Bambi, Scully puts Bambi in her entomological place while whipping out her... uh, gun... and making sure it is loaded.

She at first listens to the scientist (probably because Bambi had at first agreed with her), but then instantly scoffs at all she says (probably because she had seen her). When Mulder is let down because the said scientist takes a liking to another scientist, she appeases Mulder's disappointment with, "Smart is sexy," and a shrug. If anyone should know, it's Scully.

MONSTERVISION

This case involves a monster so scary, so horrifying to men's psyche's that the very mention, thought, or sight of it could make grown men girlie scream in terror and run the other way, that is if they don't drop dead in their tracks. Yes, the monster in question is not those disgusting bugs but rather that rat faced, bat screeching creature lathering in Scully's kitchen sink. Oh, LoneGunwriter Jo believes that the monster is nothing more than a cute little dog, while LoneGunwriter John probably lost sleep after getting a glimpse of it. We won't even mention his girlie scream. Let's hope that Bambi doesn't find out that Scully has a little girlie dog for a pet because it would negate all that effective macho gun waiving.

THINGS LEARNED

More than we ever wanted to know about cockroaches and insects in general:

Brain aneurysms are the result of straining too forcefully. So don't do that.

Swarms of insects flying over an electrical field at night could very well be what reported UFO's truly are.

If you're stuck for money and need a fix, inhale heated dung fumes.

Ekbom's Syndrome is a psychotic disorder associated with some forms of drug abuse where the abuser suffers from delusions that insects are infesting their epidermis, and the victim cuts himself in an attempt to extract the imaginary insect.

Advanced civilizations would send robots first to probe unknown planets, which makes sense because why endanger life? The question is, if we're doing it on Mars, which we've only been able to do as we've advanced, why have we been looking for aliens all this time?

SFX

As usual, the cinematography is awesome. The look of this episode includes the dark spookiness of insects scurrying, quiet domesticity of Scully's place, and to make the viewer really get creeped out, with a laugh, we are treated with a scurrying cockroach across the TV screen.

WRITER
Darin Morgan

Our heroes slip in to hilarious self-parody courtesy of writer Darin Morgan. He's so adept at keeping the characters true, if a bit exaggerated, and puts them in situations that are common place, but not at all mundane. Choco Droppings, Die! Flea Die!, Die! Bug Die! Gotta love Darin's naming of products. The genius of Darin Morgan is not only can he write great comedy but he knows his characters so well that he can have them behave out of character and it becomes believable, hilarious, and endlessly clever, self-parody. Credit GA and DD for being able to pull it off as well. Morgan is giving us a special treat and we just know there is more where this came from. Terrific how he shows an instance of gossip trees and hysteria that might happen if there were an alien landing, and may have happened the night Orson Welles' Mystery Radio Show presented War of the Worlds without disclaiming that it was a piece of fiction. Can't fault a writer who comes up with the line, "We're all going to be bleeding from our nipples!" or "You look pooped."

DIRECTOR
Kim Newton

In Mr. Newton's second try at directing an X File (the first being Darin Morgan's Humbug), we are treated to wonderful bug-cam shots, quick cutting between Scully and Mulder during their phone conversations, as well as the difference between the two settings during those conversations. Scully might be in the midst of giving her Pomeranian a flea bath (chaotic) as Mulder is in a dark room with a corpse (serene). Mulder might be screaming with cockroaches all over him in the dark (chaotic) as Scully is quietly researching at her computer. Mr. Newton adeptly keeps up with Morgan's wonderful script, adding his own touches, such as the cockroach crawling up the TV screen.

USUAL THINGS
Flashlights
Guns, Scully cleans, and then pulls hers out to full effect
Mulder Breaks a Law
Mulder types out a report
Raining... crap
Cell Phones
Scully's white clunky cordless phone
Bathroom
Scully Drives! (But needs directions)
Aliens... of the scurrying kind
Flashes badge - both of them do in separate incidences

RETURNING CHARACTERS
Stoner
Chick
Queegqueg

SCORE CARD FOR SAVING EACH OTHER'S ASS
Scully 6 - Mulder 5
Mulder told Scully to get the hell out of the crap factory before it blew just after she entered

NOTE: The name of the hysterical town, Miller's Grove, is a take off of Grover's Mill from War of the Worlds, a radio show where a town is overtaken by aliens.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

MULDER: Did I detect a touch of jealousy on your part regarding Bambi?
SCULLY: May I point out that her name was indeed, Bambi...
MULDER: Yes, it was. What of it?
SCULLY: Did I detect a ton of idiocy on your part regarding Bambi?
MULDER: Hey, she knew a ton about bugs and aliens, too. You're evading the question of jealousy.
SCULLY: I don't have much to be jealous of, Mulder. Sorry to bring it up, but she's probably in the midst of pointing out the finer plot points of "Arachnophobia" with another man as we speak.
MULDER: Thanks a lot, Scully. You know how much it bugs me when you're right.

ATHENAEUM

Mulder sat in the deepest darkest corner of the Athenaeum and watched a huge cockroach lumber across the floor with a crouton in its mouth. Ever since that business in Miller's Grove, the damn things seemed to be everywhere. Sure, Mulder was in the old, secret, weird, dark, disconcerting library, but not to learn more about roaches. He wasn't good with bugs and intended to stay that way. He was there to get a handle on the Bambi situation. Perhaps she just might show a little more interest in Mulder if he were better able to speak her language.

He pulled "Cockroaches for Dummies" off the shelf and searched for a place to sit to read. Not finding one, he leaned against a dusty, paneled wall and sunk to the floor telling himself as he opened the book that this would be one book where he most definitely would not look at the pictures.

Mulder always thought a bug was a bug, except for the praying mantis that had once terrorized him. He was amazed to find that there were so many different kinds of roaches. There was the bedroom or brown banded cockroach, the plain brown and the dusky brown roach. The beetle roach, the firefly roach, the Madeira cockroach, the Oriental cockroach, the drummer roach, the deaths-head cockroach, the discoid cockroach, the cave dwelling cockroach, the Cuban roach (which Mulder believed he may have smoked in college), the Cuban burrowing cockroach, the flourescent green Cuban roach, the flying German cockroach, the hissing cockroach, the small hissing cockroach and the Madagascar hissing cockroach. Then there is the North Carolina cockroach weighing in at twenty pounds. Fortunately that one is believed to be a myth. There was the Louisiana barking cockroach (which is a myth that grew out of the perception that some Louisiana roaches are as big as Scully's annoying small dog).

Mulder did find that what was not a myth was that roaches can indeed live for up to a month without their head. Another non-myth is that not only can roaches bite, but they have been known to bite people. The book went on to tell everything from how to kill roaches, to how to breed them, and rear them (as if anyone in their right mind would want to).

The entire time he was reading, Mulder could hear scurrying behind the book stacks. He even thought he heard that big mother crunching on that crouton. "Hello?" he called out, and his voice echoed in the dark library. The Curator hadn't greeted him, annoyed him, goaded him, or even dissed him (which he/she/they usually did). That was fine. He wasn't in the mood for a human sized cockroach coming after him with crouton crumbs in its teeth.

Mulder left to return to the security of his apartment. It was only when the door was double locked and the TV was turned on that Mulder finally got the creepy-crawlies out of his system. He got himself a beer (his favor brand being Die! Liver, Die!) and sprawled back on his black leather sofa to decide which tape to put in as he flipped through the channels. He paused on A&E as they were doing the Orson Welles Biography. Just as he was settled, his mind calm, and watching the time of Mr. Welles' life when he scared the nation with "War of the Worlds," a humongous cockroach crawled across his TV screen.

Yes, Mulder did let out a scream, but it wasn't at all girlie.

QUOTES:

BUGGER: Behold the mighty cockroach.

ECKERLE: Is it true if you decapitate them, they continue to live, eventually dying of starvation?
BUGGER: Look, buddy, I just kill them.
ECKERLE: Well, that's why I called you. I, I thought that nowadays, you froze the insects to death.
BUGGER: Freeze them? Where's the fun in that?

ECKERLE: Well, just as long as you, uh, get rid of them. Bugs... I don't know. They drive me crazy.

MULDER: Widespread accounts of unidentified colored lights hovering in the skies were reported last night. Look, Scully, I know it's not your inclination but... did you ever look up into the night sky and feel certain that... not only was something up there but... it was looking down on you at that exact same moment and was just as curious about you as you are about it?
SCULLY: Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet is that, through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. Uh, the, the very idea... of intelligent alien life is not only... astronomically improbable but at it's most basic level, downright anti-Darwinian.
MULDER: Scully... what are you wearing?

MULDER: I understand what you're saying, but I, I, I just need to keep looking.
SCULLY: Yeah, well, don't look too hard. You might not like what you find.

FRASS: What are you doing?
MULDER: Just sitting, thinking.
FRASS: Sitting and thinking? And talking on the phone? Who with, your drug dealer?

MULDER: I heard reports of several UFO sightings in this area last night. You see anything?
FRASS: The FBI keeps tabs on these things?
MULDER: No.

MULDER: I think you better get up here.
SCULLY: What is it?
MULDER: It appears that cockroaches are mortally attacking people.
SCULLY: I'm not going to ask you if you just said what I think you just said because I know it's what you just said.

SCULLY: Where are you again?
MULDER: Miller's Grove.
A twist on Grover's Mill from War of the Worlds.

ECKERLE: The image of those cockroaches has been permanently imprinted onto my brain. I see them every time I close my eyes.
FRASS: Try not to close your eyes.

SCULLY: Cuz you know, Mulder, millions of people are actually allergic to cockroaches. There have been reported cases of fatal reactions. It's called, uh, anaphylactic shock.
MULDER: Anaphylactic shock?
SCULLY: Mm-hmm. Many such reactions have occurred to entomologists or, uh, exterminators.
MULDER: Okay, we'll check that out.
SCULLY: You still want me to come up?
MULDER: No, no, no, I'm sure you're right. Thanks, Scully.
FRASS: Who was that?
MULDER: My drug dealer.

STONER: Dude, that's some good crap.

DUDE: Oh, God! Roaches!
STONER: Dude, you're freaking, man!

MULDER: I take it back, Scully, I think you better get up here.

SCULLY: You know, Mulder, there's a psychotic disorder associated with some forms of drug abuse where the abuser suffers from delusions that insects are infesting their epidermis. It's called Ekbom's Syndrome.
MULDER: Ekbom's Syndrome?
SCULLY: The victim cuts himself in an attempt to extract the imaginary insect. Still want me to come up?
MULDER: No, uh, you're probably right. I'm sorry to bother you.
SCULLY: It's no bother. Bye.

FRASS: You killed it? You annihilated it.
MULDER: It must have molted. It's just empty exoskeleton.
FRASS: Well, at least we've got evidence that cockroaches were actually here.
MULDER: We've got more than that, sheriff. I think that bug's exoskeleton was made of metal.

NEWTON: After talking with Agent Mulder here, I suddenly feel slightly constipated.

MULDER: I see the correlation, but just because I work for the federal government doesn't mean I'm an expert on cockroaches.

FRASS: Killer bees were a genetic experiment gone awry, let loose on an unsuspecting populace. Who's to say the government hasn't created a new breed of killer cockroaches?
MULDER: You might want to keep that theory to yourself, sheriff. No need to create a panic.

SCULLY: Who died now?

SCULLY: Straining too forcefully is very common causation for bursting a brain aneurysm.

SCULLY: I don't know what to tell you, Mulder. I just hope you're not implying you've come across an infestation of killer cockroaches.

SCULLY: Back in the mid-'80s, there was a cockroach species previously only found in Asia. And since then, it's made an appearance in Florida. They've now completely established themselves in this country.
MULDER: Do they attack people?
SCULLY: No, but they do exhibit behavior different than our domestic breeds. They, they fly for long distances and they're attracted to light.
MULDER: But do they attack people?
SCULLY: I'm suggesting that what's happening out there might be the introduction to this country of a new species of cockroach... One that is attracted to people.
MULDER: Well, that all makes perfect sense, Scully. I don't like it at all. Did you know that the federal government, under the guise as the department of agriculture, as been conducting secret experiments up here?
SCULLY: Mulder, you're not thinking about trespassing onto government property again, are you? I know that you've done it in the past, but I don't think that this case warrants...
MULDER: It's too late, I'm already inside.

MULDER: Moving walls.
SCULLY: Moving walls?
MULDER: Yeah. They're rippling. Agh! Cockroaches!

MULDER: Got to go.

MULDER: What's a woman like you doing in a place like this?

BAMBI: You expect us to advertise that we've intentionally infested a house in their neighborhood with thousands of cockroaches?

BAMBI: Since an insect's exoskeleton is a dielectric surrounding the conductive medium of its body fluid, when introduced into an electrical field, a brushed discharge will result in a colored flare.
MULDER: What is that supposed to prove?
BAMBI: Well, it's my theory that UFOs are actually insect swarms. I don't know if you know anything about UFOs, but all the characteristics of a typical sighting are shared with nocturnal insects swarming through an electrical air field... the sudden appearance of a colored, glowing light hovering in the night sky, moving in a nonmechanical matter, possibly humming.
Mulder nods as if believing, but with how struck he is with Bambi's beauty, he may not be listening.
BAMBI: Creating interference with radio and television signals. Then suddenly disappearing.
MULDER: As, uh... as nocturnal insect swarms. That's, uh... that's fascinating.
BAMBI: Everything about insects is fascinating. They are truly remarkable creatures. So beautiful, and so honest.
MULDER: Honest?
BAMBI: Eat, sleep... defecate, procreate. That's all they do. That's all we do, but at least insects don't kid themselves that it's anything more than that.

Mulder's phone rings while he's with Bambi and Mulder answers with:
MULDER: Not now.

MULDER: Did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshipped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honor them, which may be just giant symbolic dung heaps?
SCULLY: Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper?

MULDER: Bambi also has this theory I've never come acro...
SCULLY: Who?
MULDER: Doctor Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is...
SCULLY: Her name is Bambi?
MULDER: Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFOs are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields.
SCULLY: Her name is Bambi?
MULDER: Scully, can I confess something to you?
SCULLY: Yeah, sure, okay.
MULDER: I hate insects.
SCULLY: You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's just a... it's a natural, instinctive.
MULDER: No, no, I'm not afraid of them. I hate them. One day back when I was a kid, I, uh... I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever for me to realize that it was no leaf.
SCULLY: A praying mantis?
MULDER: Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed. No, not... not a girlie scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? I mean, the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was... repulsed.
SCULLY: Mulder... Are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream?

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm coming up there right now.
MULDER: Scully, I think this man died from simply from a reaction to the cockroaches.
SCULLY: Two cases of anaphylactic shock in the same day in the same town is highly improbable.

BAMBI: He's hung like a club-tailed dragonfly.

IVANOV: Why are you scaring my robots?
MULDER: Why is it following me?
IVANOV: He likes you.

IVANOV: The goal is to transport a fleet of robots to another planet and allow them to navigate the terrain with more intricacy than any space probe has done before. It, it sounds slightly fantastic, but the only obstacle I can foresee is devising a renewable energy source. In any case, this is the future of space exploration. It does not include living entities.
MULDER: I'm just speculating here, but if extraterrestrial life forms do exist...
IVANOV: Oh, there's no need for speculation, I believe they do.

IVANOV: Then the interplanetary explorers of alien civilizations will likely be mechanical in nature. Yes. Anyone who thinks alien visitation will come not in the form of robots, but of living beings with big eyes and gray skin has been brainwashed by too much science-fiction.

Mulder shows him the metallic cockroach he found at the last scene of death.
IVANOV: It's... beyond my comprehension.

WOMAN: Haven't you heard about the roaches? They're devouring people whole.
MAN: Roaches aren't attacking people, lady. They're spreading the Ebola virus. We're all going to be bleeding from our nipples!
SCULLY: All right, listen up! I'm Agent Dana Scully from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I am assuring you that you are not in any danger. Everything is going to be okay if you just calm down and start acting rationally. Now, where the hell are those road maps?

MULDER: Greetings from planet Earth.

SCULLY: Mulder, this town is insane.
MULDER: Where are you?
SCULLY: I'm in a convenience store on the outskirts of, uh... civilization.

MULDER: Scully, if an alien civilization were technologically advanced enough to build and send artificially intelligent robotic probes to the farthest reaches of space, might they not have also been able to perfect the extraction of methane fuel from manure? An abundant and replenishing energy source filled on a planet with dung-producing creatures.
SCULLY: Mulder, I think you've been in this town too long.

MULDER: They weren't responsible for those deaths... but they might be responsible for ours if you continue firing your gun in a plant full of methane gas.
ECKERLE: Don't you understand? The bugs... they drive me crazy.

SCULLY: Let me guess... Bambi.
BAMBI: Fox told me to wait out here while he checked inside first. Should I come along with you?
SCULLY: No... this is no place for an entomologist.

ECKERLE: Have I lost my mind?

MULDER: Get out, Scully! This whole place could blow!

After the waste-methane plant exploded, Mulder stands and looks at the excrement on himself.
MULDER: Crap.

FRASS: You two ought to go home and get some rest. You look pooped.

BAMBI: You know, many insects don't develop wings until their last molting stage. Perhaps whatever these things were, they had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they originated.
SCULLY: Yeah, that would explain everything.
MULDER: Well, I've already had a similar sample analyzed, it's nothing but common metals. What do you hope to find from it?
BAMBI: His destiny.
IVANOV: Isn't that what Doctor Zaius said to Zira at the end of "The Planet of the Apes?"
BAMBI: It's one of my favorite movies.
IVANOV: Mine too. I love science fiction.
BAMBI: I'm also fascinated by your research. Have you ever considered programming the robots to mimic the behavior of social insects like ants or bees?
IVANOV: As a matter of fact, I have.
BAMBI: You know, I read in November of '94 in "Entomology Extreme..."
IVANOV: Oh, I remember that...
BAMBI: Your article about the pollination of...
IVANOV: Yes, I really enjoyed writing about that...

SCULLY: Smart is sexy. Well, think of it this way, Mulder. By the time there's another invasion of artificially-intelligent-dung-eating robotic probes from outer space, maybe their uber-children will have devised a way to save our planet.
MULDER: You know, I never thought I'd say this to you, Scully... but you smell bad.

MULDER'S REPORT: The development of our cerebral cortex has been the greatest achievement of the evolutionary processes. Big deal. While allowing us the thrills of intellect and the pangs of self-consciousness, it is all too often overruled by our inner, instinctive brain, the one that tells us to react, not reflect, to run rather than ruminate. Maybe we have gone as far as we can go, and the next advance, whatever that may be, will be made by beings we create ourselves using our own tech... tech...
He smacks the screen because the keyboard won't work.
MULDER'S REPORT: Technology, life forms we can design and program not to be ultimately governed and constricted by the rules of survival. Or perhaps that step forward has already been achieved on another planet by organisms that had a billion years head start on us. If these beings ever visited us, would we recognize what we were seeing? And upon catching sight of us, would they react in anything but horror at seeing such mindless, primitive, hideous creatures?

THE END