X FILES LYCEUM
322 QUAGMIRE

"I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!"
Wicked Witch Wizard of Oz

SYNOPSIS

STRIKER'S COVE HEUVELMAN'S LAKE BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS, GEORGIA
COUNTY RD 33 RIGDON, GEORGIA
ECOLOGY SCIENCES LAB HEUVELMAN'S LAKE
Mulder drags Scully and her dog to check out a Loch Ness monster type case in Georgia.

SCULLYVISION

Faithful Scully is there for her partner even if he only gives her five minutes notice, and on a Saturday no less. She doesn't even complain until he complains about her bringing that "thing" along, that thing being cute, little, fluffy Queequeg. SmartScully, however, knows her partner well. As he explains the missing persons case, Scully instantly asks, "What are you leaving out Mulder?" She already knows that Mulder has once again set a course for a wild goose/alien/monster chase, which nearly turns in to a wild duck chase. Scully goes along even after seeing the billboards promoting Big Blue, a Loch Nest monster wanna-be. She is quick, however, to take advantage of the situation citing her knowledge of water monster legends. When Mulder is impressed that she knows so much about such 'species', she slams him with, "But then I grew up and became a scientist."

ScientistScully spots that the Big Blue "scale" on display is in fact an insect casing. She makes the most of the situation by patiently making the most of it, sticking to her detective skills despite Mulder's passion for proving the existence of Big Blue.

Doctor/DetectiveScully doesn't hesitate to reach into the water and flip that half-eaten torso over. She sees a possible clue in the fact that the half-floater's fly is open. She even has a logical explanation for it. Later, Dr. Scully put a tourniquet on Dr. Faraday's leg.

BraveScully goes out to walk her dog, refusing Mulder's offer to accompany her. By then, she probably needed a break from her obsessive partner anyway. During her walk, poorly trained Queequeg runs off and is eaten by the monster. Scully is grief-stricken and once again her insensitive partner could care less. As she hasn't expected much sympathy from Mulder, after he goes through a long litany, tossing in an apology for her losing her dog, she asks him to "repeat the last part again? I kind of faded out." She wanted to make sure she heard an apology in there somewhere.

Later they take a night cruise in search of Big Blue, and they have a little trouble with their boat. Well, actually, it sank. Stranded on a rock, Scully confronts Mulder with some powerful observations. She questions Mulder's motivations asking, "Why are we really out here?" Not only that, she then questions whether or not Mulder has any legitimate motivations. She realizes that they are out there because Mulder is consumed by his "personal vengeance against life." Scully also compares Mulder to Captain Ahab from Moby Dick noting that Mulder too is going to get himself, and the people around him, killed. Mulder, who often sulks when criticized, instead replies that he always wanted a peg leg.

Through all of these Mulder revelations, Scully never shines the light on herself. Why is she so loyal to someone who might take her down with him? She also calls Mulder 'Captain,' a name she used to call her father, but she doesn't seem to analyze that little Freudian morsel.

In the end, Scientist "just the facts ma'am" Scully is proven right that Big Blue is not responsible for the deaths. On the other hand, Mulder is not proven completely wrong since the perpetrator is a direct descendent of pre-historic reptiles. Of course that was actually almost the end. The final final end shows that Big Blue is out there after all, or maybe that last visual were those toad-licking teenagers conducting a hoax.

MONSTERVISION

"You can kill a legion of men and women, but no dogs. People go nuts."
Vince Gilligan on the demise of Queequeg

Here I am just laying around minding my own business in the swamp. What else is there for an alligator to do? Or am I a crocodile? Whatever. Anyway, I could sure go for some frogs legs right about now. But nooooo. The damn humans put a stop to that. Poor frogs, they either have to deal with wacked-out scientists experimenting on 'em or wacked-out teens licking 'em. So now us swamp creatures gotta resort to chomping on humans. You talk about repugnant! Hey, what's that heading my way? Whew, shouldn't that thing be hanging upside down in a cave somewhere? Oh well, it'll do for an appetizer, I guess. Come here, little doggie. What's the name on it's collar? Queequeg? What a bazaar name for a dog. Come here little Quee... chomp... cough... choke. Oh great, now I've got a fur ball stuck in my throat.

Disclaimer: LoneGunWriter Jo disavows any participation in, or knowledge of, the above. Unlike Mulder's partner, Jo's partner obviously lacks taste, not to mention brains or looks. He didn't even give a rating to the monster... so, I'll give a rating of two and a half crocs.

* Points were deducted for the monster having the poor taste to eat poor little Queequeg.

OH, COME ON!

Dr. Faraday has to inform the agents that their lantern went out because it was out of fuel? Well, Mulder did allude earlier to the fact that they are city slickers.

THINGS LEARNED

Seek and ye shall find.

Night can get really dark.

In nature, everything's out to get you.

Frog populations are declining all over the globe though no one knows why.

Most drowning victims are found with high levels of alcohol in their blood and their fly's unzipped.

Fish eat decomposing matter.

Hell is an idea first born on an undigested apple dumpling.

Night is a frog's most active period.

If you alter one life form in an ecosystem, the rest is necessarily affected, either by an increase or decrease, so predators would have to search for an alternative food source.

The sheriff doesn't listen to Mulder when he demands all hands search the woods, but when Scully politely asks for a couple of men, he obliges. So, when wanting something from a cop, don't ask for the moon. Always use the Scully approach, never the Mulder approach.

Don't try to fake a natural beast. You'll just end up a midnight snack.

Lakes don't get closed until the sheriff feels something brush against him. At least he didn't have to wait to get bitten on the ass like the Mayor in Jaws.

A good sized lake automatically produces eight or nine deaths a year.

A toad's skin has hallucinogenic properties which allows you to have spiritual visions.

WRITER
Kim Newton
and the uncredited Darin Morgan

Scully realizes that she's out on a rock after their boat sank in the middle of the night with Mulder, who is consumed by his "personal vengeance against life." All of her heavy (and we might add accurate) observations of Mulder are expressed in what has to be the funniest scene in X-File history, thank you Darin Morgan.

Not only is the rock scene rockin', but the rest of the episode has nice characterizations of our favorite Agents and their relationship over the course of three years working together. Also, there are cute little asides, such as little Queequeg running to the Bait and Tackle shop, can we say 'foreshadowing?' Ansel, the man who is faking Big Blue tracks in the mud is heard singing, "True Colors." It must have been nice for the show to get rid of that dog so Scully isn't so domesticated, and Kim chose a scary, sudden, and X Filish ending for him.

Another insight into Darin Morgan's philosophy of life that he doesn't really want to work that was pointed out in Jose Chung's From Outer Space is added to here when Mulder is talking about why he'd like to have a peg leg. "Braving facing life with your disability, but without these things you're actually meant to make something of your life, achieve something earn a raise, wear a necktie."

DIRECTOR
Kim Manners

One can't go wrong when something awful happens to just focus on Scully's face. As he did so well in Revelations, we see on her face all we need to know as Scully is hearing the other characters talk not believing a bit of the lore, to Mulder explaining his fascination for prosthetics, or when her dog became a midnight snack. There's a nice homage to Jaws with water level camera angles and powers that be don't do the right thing until it's bloody obvious something should be done.

USUAL THINGS
Gun
Flashlight (and a lantern)
Scully Drives! (a Boat!)
Scully gives Mulder the "bite me" look when he mentions her weight loss

RECURRING CHARACTERS

Surfer Dude and Chick
Queequeg (It's ciao for the chow, or more precisely, the Pomeranian)

Notes

Heuvelman's Lake was named after Bernard Heuvelman, a Dutch cryptozoologist who wrote In the Wake of the Sea Serpents.

Ansel, the photographer, is more than likely named for Ansel Adams.

Millikan County is named for casting director Rick Millikan.

The boat 'Patricia Rae' was named after Kim Newton's mother.

Big Blue was probably named such because of David Duchovny's dog, Blue (who appeared in Ice).

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

MULDER: Okay Scully. See if I got this right. I'm Ahab, Big Blue is Moby Dick, Queequeg is well, bait. So who are you?
SCULLY: I'm the crew, rowing loyally to their collective death.
MULDER: And exactly why have you chosen that role for yourself?
SCULLY: It's a dirty job, Mulder, but someone's got to do it.
MULDER: It sure is nice that you are though.
SCULLY: I know.

ATHENAEUM

"Scully? What are you doing here?" Mulder asked in surprise to see his partner behind the information desk.

"I'm the Curator for tonight."

"You are not serious?"

"Who better than I to give you information on the Loch Ness Monster. That is what you've come here looking for, is it not?"

"Well, uh, yeah. I thought that was just child's play to you scientist types," Mulder said sarcastically.

"Have a seat Mulder, maybe you'll learn something" Scully stepped down off a box behind the huge information desk not unlike the little guy Mulder met in Florida investigating circus freaks. She indicated a nice comfy arm chair in the corner, which he took a seat in. She said, "I would have guessed that you knew most of this information already, but when you informed me that you are still watching Bigfoot footage, perhaps your education has been a little lacking."

Mulder nodded. "Go on."

"You may be under the misconception that the legend of the Loch Ness Monster, or 'Nessie' as she is affectionately known, began in the 30's with that fuzzy black and white photo, recently found to be a hoax."

"Whoa, Scully. Let me stop you right there. The latest information is that real hoax was the claim that the photograph was a hoax, not the photograph itself."

Scully ignored the interruption. "In the sixties, Tim Dinsdale, an aeronautical engineer, shot some footage of something moving across the loch. The amazing truth though, Mulder, is far less mundane.

Northern Scotland in the first century AD was occupied by fierce tribes called the Picts. They carefully documented the animals of the region by carving them in stones, which can still be found in and around Loch Ness. Fortunately their attention to detail renders their artwork lifelike, and all of their animals are easily recognizable. All except one. That animal resembles a swimming elephant, proof that the idea of a mysterious aquatic animal in Loch Ness has been around for at least 1,500 years.

Ancient Scottish folklore told of large animals inhabiting many bodies of water. In fact, Mulder, old maps noted their locations with the term Loch-na-Beistie."

"Sort of the ancient equivalent to 'here be monsters," Mulder observed.

Scully continued. "The earliest written reference of Nessie or her ancestors can be found in the biography of Saint Columba, who brought Christianity to Scotland in AD 565. In the 30's, Nessie gained great world wide attention. The London Daily Mail hired a big-game hunter named Marmaduke Wetherell to find the creature. Wetherell discovered huge footprints and made plaster casts of them, then sent them to the Natural History Museum in London. There was a frenzy of interest in Nessie until the Museum identified the prints as having been made with a stuffed hippo foot. It was never learned if Wetherell was the perpetrator or the victim of this hoax."

"So our bait shop owner was hardly original in his idea." Mulder laughed.

"Hardly. Anyway, after the footprint hoax, many people were skeptical. Despite this, there have been, amazingly, over 4,000 reported sightings. Eyewitnesses have included priests, scientists, teachers, law enforcement personnel, fishermen, and even a Nobel Prize winner. From various accounts it was finally believed that Nessie was a plesiosaur.

From the 70's on, legitimate scientists have conducted extensive searches including the use of sonar and underwater photography to find Nessie. There have been lots of interesting sonar hits over the years but-and Mulder you will want to cover your ears for this part-nothing conclusive has ever been found."

"However, Scully, as GK Chesterton said, and I quote, 'Many a man has been hanged on less evidence than there is for the Loch Ness Monster.'"

"Yes Mulder, the truth is out there, but whose truth is it?"

QUOTES

BAILEY You're the biologist Dr. Faraday. You've never heard of survival of the fittest?
FARADAY Don't forget that rule also applies to mankind. You can't turn your back on nature, or nature will turn her back on you!

MULDER (referring to Queequeg in the back seat): Did you really have to bring that thing?
SCULLY You wake me up on a Saturday morning, tell me to be ready in five minutes, my mother is out of town, all of the dog sitters are booked, and you know how I feel about kennels. So unless you want to lose your security deposit on the car, I suggest you pull over.

SCULLY So you think that there's a serial killer at large?
MULDER The operative word being large.

SCULLY Most missing persons cases are not that uncommon, Mulder. Why this one warrants us flying halfway across the country and driving for two hours is a total mystery.
They drive past a sign, 'Big Blue. The Southern Serpent. Spot Him at Heuvelman's Lake.'
SCULLY Oh, tell me you're not serious.

FARADAY Has anyone ever told you two you have a great problem coming to the point?

MULDER: I'll take that rambling diatribe to mean that you don't believe in the existence of such a creature.

MULDER: Sounds like you know a little something about the subject.
SCULLY: I did as a kid. But, then I grew up and became a scientist.

SCULLY An aquatic dinosaur.
MULDER A pleosaur, actually. Though admittedly, there's not a lot of hard evidence to back that up.
SCULLY You know why? Because those creatures don't exist, Mulder. They're folk tales born out of some collective fear of the unknown.
MULDER Well how many folk tales do you know that could eat a boy scout leader and a biologist?

SCULLY Those stories must sell a lot of T-shirts.

MULDER: It's Scout Woolsley, the boy scout troop leader.
SCULLY: Well, his fly's undone.
MULDER: Are you insinuating something?
SCULLY No. Most drowning victims are found with high levels of alcohol in their blood and their fly's unzipped. While urinating over the sides of boats, docks or whatever, they lose their balance, fall in, and drown.

SCULLY Fish eat decomposing matter. Any body that 's been suspended in this environment for a period of time is going to become a food source. We eat fish, and fish eat us.
MULDER But are fish also known for eating half and saving half for later?

ANSEL Like I said, I recognize his hat.
Mulder sees that the hat reads, 'Show Us Your Bobbers'.
MULDER How could you not?

SHERIFF I think I can tell you what's going on. Same thing that goes on every year. Fishermen get drunk, they drown, men get run over by power boats. Hell, on a lake this size, you're going to have eight, nine deaths in a season. That's just statistical fact.
MULDER But you've got two or three in as many weeks. I'd say you're a little outside your bell curve, Sheriff.

DUDE Dude, what's wrong with you? You made me drop my toad.

SHERIFF I got zip out of Freebird and Moon Unit over there. There's no telling what they're been smoking.

MULDER Oh, is that the psychological approach to crime solving? He's too embarrassed?
SCULLY Regardless of what I believe, there's no hard evidence to what you believe.

MULDER That's three in one day, Sheriff. All this driving from crime scene to crime scene's giving me highway hypnosis. Close down the lake.

SCULLY Yeah, it could be a lot of things, Mulder. Fifteen years of fruitless hinting, and the only thing the guy comes up with is a blurry picture of the monster's tooth?

SCULLY: Queequeg! Come back here! Queequeg! Queequeg? Queequeg! Quee...

SCULLY Could you repeat the last part again? I kind of faded out.
MULDER Which part?
SCULLY After you said I'm sorry?

SCULLY: You know, on the old mariner's maps, the cartographers would designate uncharted territories by writing 'Here Be Monsters'.
MULDER: I got a map of New York City just like that.

MULDER That ain't no bass.

MULDER When you're living in the city you forget that night is actually so...dark.
SCULLY Living in the city you forget a lot of things. You know what I was just thinking about, being mugged or hit by a car, It's not until you get back to nature that you realize that everything is out to get you. So, my father always told me to respect nature, because it has no respect for you.

MULDER That was him Scully, that was Big Blue.
SCULLY So what if it was? Mulder, what are we doing here?
MULDER What do you mean, what are we doing here?
SCULLY What are you hoping to accomplish?
MULDER Scully, some of the things that we investigate are so intangible, but this creature, it exists within the specific earthly confines of this lake, and I want to find it.
SCULLY What for?
MULDER You're a scientist, why do you ask that question? I mean, it would be a marvelous discovery. It could revolutionize our evolutionary biological thinking.
SCULLY Is that really the reason why? You know when you showed me those pictures the photographer took, you want to know what I really saw in them?
MULDER A tooth?
SCULLY No, you. That man is your future. Listening only to himself, hoping to catch a glimpse of the truth, for who knows what reason.

MULDER (when it was only a duck that spooked them) I'm still tempted to fire. Hey Scully, you think you could ever cannibalize someone? I mean if you really had to.
SCULLY Well as much as the very idea is abhorrent to me, I suppose under certain conditions a living entity is practically conditioned to perform whatever extreme measures are necessary to ensure its survival. I suppose I'm no different.
MULDER You've lost some weight recently, haven't you?
SCULLY Well, actually I have, thanks for...

SCULLY: So I named my dog Queequeg. It's funny, I just realized something.
MULDER: It's a bizarre name for a dog, huh?
SCULLY: No, how much you're like Ahab. You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or its mysteries, that everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology.
MULDER: Scully, are you coming on to me?
SCULLY It's the truth or a white whale. What difference does it make? I mean, both obsessions are impossible to capture, and trying to do so will only leave you dead along with everyone else you bring with you. You know Mulder, you are Ahab.
MULDER You know, it's interesting you should say that, because I've always wanted a peg leg. It's a boyhood thing I never grew out of. I'm not being flippant; I've given this a lot of thought. I mean, if you have a peg leg or hooks for hands then maybe it's enough to simply keep on living. You know, braving facing life with your disability, but without these things you're actually meant to make something of your life, achieve something earn a raise, wear a necktie. So if anything, I'm actually the antithesis of Ahab, because if I did have a peg leg I'd quite possibly be more happy and more content not to be chasing after these creatures of the unknown.
SCULLY And that's not flippant?
MULDER No, flippant is my favorite line from Moby Dick. 'Hell is an idea first born on an undigested apple dumpling.'

FARADAY I was walking by. I heard you talking.
SCULLY Walking by?
FARADAY Yeah, the shore is just a stone's throw from here. Come on, I'll take you back.

MULDER The unexplained depletion of frogs originates from this cove. It's the food chain. If you alter one life form in an ecosystem, the rest is necessarily affected, either by an increase or decrease. So if an aquatic dinosaur's diet consisted primarily of frogs, then if those frogs suddenly became scarce, it would have to search for an alternative food source.
SCULLY A human?
FARADAY Agent Mulder, you are taking my legitimate research and basic biological principle and stretching them both way out of proportion in an effort to give some kind of validity to an entirely ludicrous theory. There is no prehistoric lake monster.
MULDER This creature lives here in this cove. That explains the disappearance of these frogs, for which you have no explanation, ludicrous or not.

MULDER I'm talking about a prehistoric creature that's gone unnoticed for virtually thousands of years. If it knows how do anything, it knows how to hide. They say that the Loch Ness monster doesn't even live in the water, that it lives in the surrounding cliffs. Maybe Big Blue has an inland habitat, somewhere in the rocks, or in this dense forest here.
FARADAY I have no time for these absurdities. If you'll excuse me, I have some amphibians to release.
SCULLY (to Mulder) Well, Captain... what now?

SCULLY Well, you slew the big white whale, Ahab.
MULDER Yeah, but I still don't have that peg leg.
SCULLY How can you be disappointed? That alligator would have gone through half the local population if you hadn't killed it.
MULDER I know. I guess I just wanted Big Blue to be real. I guess I see hope in such a possibility.
SCULLY Well, there's still hope. That's why these missing stories have endured. People want to believe.

THE END