| Hello! wedding, goodbye credibility Sunday Independent 17 August 2003 Victoria mary Clarke ONLY the very beautiful can safely say that looks don't mean anything. Just the same as the way very rich people can tell ordinary people to give all their money to charity, or that they've realised money isn't important. It's the same with Hello!. Not everyone can say they wouldn't let their wedding be photographed for Hello! because not everyone's wedding would qualify for consideration in the first place. And as with every other kind of relationship, it's nice to know they want you, even if only so that you can turn them down flat. Because of this, for most of us it is impossible to accurately comment upon the decision of Georgina and Nicky Byrne to sell their wedding to that particular publication. And knowing this, most of us say rather haughtily that we would be above such things, that what they did was tacky in the extreme. I would have thought the same, in my youth. But there came a moment, a few years ago when I found myself reconsidering. Knowing what you are worth - what you can actually realise in cash terms for yourself, body and soul - can be a terrifying thing. Like knowing exactly how many calories are in that ice-cream you are about to eat, or how much you've spent on the credit card this month. Performers, in particular, hate to know what they are actually worth, being inclined to live in fantasy worlds of their own concoction, in which they are the most beautiful prince or princess in the land and the most special and the most valued. Which is why most performers and creative types make such bad business-people and negotiators, with a few notable exceptions, such as Bowie and Jagger for instance. And finding out what Hello! will actually pay for your wedding is like putting a price on your very soul - frightening in the extreme. A few years ago, I was engaged to marry my long-term partner at the time, Shane MacGowan. And even though he was appalled at the notion, I began to wonder what we would be offered if we decided to sell our wedding. It started out as a joke, of course. We would get loads of money and invite all our friends and take the piss out of whichever publication was silly enough to pay us. Maybe I could even write an expose on the whole experience, which would undoubtedly be in the public interest. When you set about getting a price for your soul, you don't really want people to know you are doing it. You can say you're doing it for a laugh, but will anyone believe you? Will they not think you're pathetic and tragic? And horror of horrors, supposing nobody wanted your wedding; supposing no one was willing to pay for it. What would that feel like? So I set about finding out, very discreetly, if there would be any interest. I had an agent make very vague enquiries on behalf of her client who wished to remain anonymous. And it emerged that the wedding could be of interest, if the right kind of people were there. What kind of people ? "A-list celebrities. Movie stars, supermodels, rock stars." Did we know any A-list celebrities who would come to the wedding? Yes, we knew a lot of A-list celebrities who would come to the wedding, but whether they would agree to be photographed for Hello! was a different matter. The Evening Standard had done a chart, telling you how much each of the major celebs was worth,for appearing at your wedding. Mick Jagger, Kate Moss, Elton John and such people could be worth serious money. There was even an agency in London, run by Meg Matthews, which could fix it for top celebs to attend your party. Surely deals could be struck for weddings, also? Maybe if it was too embarrassing to ask genuine friends to do it, we could hire some from an agency instead? I was assured that this was a possibility, after making some more discreet enquiries. But I was also assured that we would be required to sign confidentiality agreements so that I would never be able to write about the deal. And nobody would be allowed to talk about it either. Taking the piss was becoming less likely as a possible excuse for doing it. And a more disturbing thought was beginning to cross my mind. If we were renting celebrities, in order to push the price up, what would the family and friends feel like, the ones who weren't worth anything? Wouldn't they be upset to find themselves omitted from any photos, while people we didn't even know were posing with us? Wasn't it all a bit too hideous for words? The reality of going through with it, of posing for photographs that could actually be used was going to be far beyond a joke, so I gave it up as a silly idea. Georgina and Nicky looked happy in their Hello! spread. Even though they wanted a private, family wedding and what they got was a media spectacle. Fair play to them, if it makes them happy. I never got as far as finding out what my wedding would have been worth. But somehow I feel that I'm better off not knowing. Victoria Mary Clarke |