| The Illustrated Creation of the Universe and All That Other Stuff |
| 1 In the Beginning there was Nothing. Blackness Abounded in the Cosmos, and the Universe was as a Great Dark Hole. And from this Hole emerged there then the Eternal Hedgehog. 2 The Divine Hedgehog waddled through the Blackness that was All the Universe, and said unto Herself (for None there were to Hear Her Words) This is Boring. 3 Then thought She Long and Hard, and Conceived of the Word of Light. |
| 4 Then Danced the Holy Hedgehog in Her Joy, and lo, Everywhere Her Mighty Spines did Prick the Firmament there Grew a Star. 5 And the Stars did feel the Joy, and Danced They in the Joy and the Joy did Find Voice in Them, and They Sang. Then all the Cosmos was Joy, in Song and Dance. And the Wondrous Hedgehog Saw that this was Good, and not Boring. And the One Hedgehog Heard the Song of Her Stars, Heard She Them, and such was the Beauty of the Song that She was Lulled into Sleep. 6 Then Slept the High Hedgehog for 6.7x10^42 years, Slept She in the Sweet Glow of Her Children the Stars. |
| 7 Then from out the Black Spaces between the Stars there came a Great Beast, of Flaming Yellow Fur and Terrible Gnashing Teeth and a Cold Wet Nose. And this Beast was called the Celestial Golden Retriever. And lo, this Hound did Scent the Eternal Hedgehog, Smelled He Her and Found He Her by the Aid of His Wet Nose. 8 Then Awoke the Mighty Hedgehog, for She felt on Her Self the Fearsome Teeth of the Celestial Golden Retriever. And the Terrible Mutt did Worry the Right Forepaw of the Eternal Hedgehog, til lo, the Bad Dog did open a Wound in the Flesh of the Creator and Her Red Blood was Spilt across the Firmament. 9 And the Eternal Hedgehog Spake unto Herself and Spoke thus: Ow! That Hurts! And the Sublime Hedgehog Smote the Celestial Golden Retriever upon His Cold Wet Snout, and He Ran Yelping into the Blackness from whence Came He. |
| 10 And the Eternal Hedgehog Saw that Her Blood has been Spilt in Combat, Looked She upon it and was Sorrowed. Thus the Ineffable Hedgehog did Breathe upon the Blood that had been Spilt and made of it an Ocean. And from that Sea Raised the Almighty Hedgehog the Lofty Mountains and the Fertile Plains and All the Land that is not Wet. 11 And the Eternal Hedgehog saw this Land and saw this Sea and Felt that She Hungered for Sustenance. Then Spake She unto the Ocean, saying thus Feed Me, and lo, it made Sludge for to assuage Her Hunger. 12 And the Majestic Hedgehog saw that this was not Good for to Eat, and Spake Again unto the Seas saying thus Do Better. And the Sludge made of Itself Unicellular Organisms, and lo, Eukaryotes did Develop, and Crawled Forth from the Sea. |
| 13 And Fishes Grew, and Great Whales Came, and on the Land there were Pine Trees and Panda Bears and Penguins and Humans, but the Revered Hedgehog Looked upon All These and was Wroth. 14 And the Insects Came, Small and Crunchy and Savory to the Tongue, and the Eternal Hedgehog Ate of Them and was Sated and Slept. |