I am not a very religious men, church on Sunday was more like a habit then an act of devotion. But when I saw Johan when I was fourteen years old I knew the feelings I had where sinful. These desires seemed unearthly to me, I did not know where they came from and I pushed them far away in the deepest recesses of my mind. It seems to me like I have lived another life until that summer of about four years ago, like I was somebody else, or somebody else was in my body.
We met in the stables, I can’t remember why; it was late in the evening. There was a party at the estate and the whole Waldburg family was there. Johan had frown tired of the party and gone outside. We spoke; we had never spoken to each other before. At some point he must have noticed something in my behaviour, or perhaps the uncomfortable growth in my pants. Whatever it was, he noticed it. He moved forward, I was paralysed but when he kissed me it was like I was melting, on fire, burning with a painful craving for his touch, for his naked skin on mine. My head swam emotions and thoughts waxed and waned in me. I cannot remember what happened exactly but I do remember that for the first time since my childhood I was happy.
We met each other quite often, late in the evenings or at night, in secret places. He told me about the splendour of Vienna and how he had found another man who desired the touch of other men. While I listened a yearning grew in me to go with Johan to Vienna. He promised he would secretly take me with him. We made a plan, I would run away and wait for his carriage and then travel with him to Vienna and live with him and we would explore the beauty of that great city.
It was not meant to be though. A week before Johan was to leave he fell from his horse during the hunt and broke his back and neck, he died. And so my happiness ended and the world died to me. Everyone was dressed in black, it was like they all had been turned into crows who flocked about the house and crowed in lamentation. My world changed again to the endless sunrises and sunsets, and the meaningless emptiness of the days.
Three years later I said my prayers in front of Johan’s tomb and then I left for Vienna. The city was impressive but with the little money I had I could barley feed myself. I begged for coins, looked for work. Finally, after two months or so, I found work. I sold newspapers. Though it didn’t pay well I had just enough money to buy food. But I did not find any men or boys who shared my love for my own gender. When my employer found out he fired me. So I ended up sleeping in the park where I dreamt about being free and happy again. I had one dream about Johan that I can remember. The dream began with me standing in the park, and Johan was there and we walked on and on, through the empty streets of Vienna and we talked like we had just arrived, like he had not died. We spoke much but I cannot remember what we said. I do remember it was night and the stars sparkled like diamonds and the moon shone like a round white mirror. When I woke up I was crying like I had lost Johan again. The nights of Vienna had not been kind to me and I was in bad health. I had a cold and a fever, maybe this was going to be the end of my life and I was going to see Johan soon. Maybe I really wanted to die, I am not sure, and that is when Alexander found me.
I looked up from the sheet of paper I had been writing on and looked at the boy. “Do you wish to die?” Dieter did not look at me; he looked through the window past his own reflection. “I do not know what I want, I am just comfortable with the situation as it is.” I just smiled, writing down Dieter’s story had tired me and the sun was slowly rising. The light of early morning painted the room a ruddy colour. Both Dieter and I went to sleep. Before I fell asleep I thought about Dieter’s story and I knew he would be asking about my life story. I did not sleep well that day; my past is not something I like to be reminded of.