Consequences

A Forever Knight story

by Christine Hantzopulos Hunt

Nick awoke from a peaceful sleep, the first he'd had in a long time, to the touch of cool flesh against his own. His arms tightened instinctively around her, as she snuggled against him in her sleep, her soft scent filling his nostrils, her dark hair tickling his neck. And as the events of last night came flooding back, his sensation of peace was drowned in a sea of regret.

What have I done? Janette, why did I let this happen?

It had seemed innocent enough at first. Janette had wanted to ease his pain, lift the burden of his guilt over the blood money that had been an eternal reminder of his sins. He could confide in no one but her about the matter, for she alone knew the extent of his evil--she had been there. The murder of the Dauphin, and of his fellow thief, had ranked among Nick's more grisly crimes. He could never bring himself to discuss things like this with Natalie, though he trusted her with his life. He would not pollute her with all the worst details of his past. He couldn't.

He was ashamed.

So he'd turned to Janette, for guidance...and for comfort. It was nothing new; she'd been there for him countless times in the past. Yet this time, he had been weak, and needed more from her. And she had been only too delighted to comply.

The last few weeks had been wrought with so much anguish. First had been the promise of mortality, with the cure that had given him a brief taste of what he had yearned for, before driving him back into his hellish existence. Then had been the excitement of a new beginning with Natalie, the mutual acknowledgment of a love so long denied, and the hope of a life with her he'd only dreamed possible. But LaCroix had brought this joyous new chapter in his life to a bitter close, forcing him to deny his love, nearly driving him to kill her rather than let LaCroix touch her. LaCroix had washed her memory of the meeting, and Nick had tortured himself with a dilemma: how to tell her that they must conceal their love, how to protect her from LaCroix, without bringing back the painful memories of her ordeal? He'd avoided taking any action once he'd realized that even her memories of what had passed between them were hazy. Perhaps this was part of what had kept him from going to her when Charles du Champs had been murdered, placing the Brabant foundation, and the secret of his finances, at risk. And perhaps it was this whole chain of events that had led him to sleep with Janette.

He'd needed comfort, love; release of his frustration, his anxiety. With Janette he could have all this, without fear of hurting her, killing her, or invoking the wrath of his vengeful sire. She'd offered herself to him so many times in the past century--yet he'd resisted, again and again, abstaining from the relations that would lead him back down his cursed path.

This time, he had not resisted. And he'd taken everything she was willing to give--her love, her body...her blood. The passion between them had been exquisite as always, the taste of her blood so sweet as it had passed into him, the ecstasy almost unbearable as she'd drawn his own life essence into her.

Yet now, there was no joy in what he had done. Not only had he betrayed his personal vow never again to share blood in such a manner; in essence, he'd thrown away all the progress that he and Natalie had made in bringing him closer to his humanity.

Natalie. The thought of her sent a pang through his heart. There was so much unsettled between them. What did she remember? What would she think if she knew? Yet it occurred to him that even if she remembered nothing of what had passed between them, he remembered. Shouldn't that be enough? The guilt coursed through him. No matter what she remembered, no matter what commitments had or hadn't been made, he had betrayed her.

Janette stirred in his embrace, and looked up at him sleepily, a smile of deep satisfaction on her lips.

"Sleep, Janette," he said gently. "It's still daylight."

"But I'm thirsty, mon amour," she said reaching up to kiss him. "And I do want you again." Her mouth moved to his neck, tasting him, teasing him, her teeth grazing him playfully.

He pulled away. "No, Janette. I can't let this happen again." He rose, but she reached up to pull him back down.

"Nicolas," she said, "You wanted this. You needed this. I could feel it in your blood."

"Then you could feel my guilt, as well," he replied, looking down at her body, so delicate that she seemed almost lost in his satin sheets.

She sighed impatiently. "Is it the blood--or Natalie?"

His hand went to her cheek. "Both," he admitted.

"You enjoyed it, Nick," she told him passionately.

"I know," he told her, his expression tender. "But I also know that I can't let it happen again. No matter how much we've loved each other, no matter how much I still care about you. It's not what I want. I'm sorry."

Her eyes were filled with more hurt than he'd seen there in a long time. But her voice would betray none of it, calm as she said, "Do what you must, my love. We will be together again. In time. And time is on our side."

He reached down to kiss her once more before rising from the bed. "I need to go downstairs. You sleep." He reached for his black silk pajama bottoms, putting them on, then left the room without daring to look back.

As always, his passion had ignited his hunger, and once her blood had reawakened his thirst, it would not be sated. His eyes were pale amber even as he left her, and his hand was shaking as he found the bottle of cow's blood. He tore out the cork with his teeth, aware that his fangs had begun to protrude. If only the blood would make it go away....

But it wouldn't. With chagrin he realized once more what he had always known, and what LaCroix had tried to convince him of again and again--that animal blood would sustain, but not satisfy, the burning hunger, once human blood had passed his lips. Back to square one, he thought grimly, hating himself for all the progress he had lost.

And as he set the empty bottle on the counter, he noticed it--the tiny sterling pill box Natalie had given him for Valentine's Day. Gingerly, he opened it, staring at the last line of the inscription--"Love, Nat". He closed it abruptly. He couldn't even think of her without the guilt overpowering him.

"Nick?"

So absorbed had he been in his thoughts, that he hadn't even heard the door slide open. His eyes opened wide as he turned to see her at the door, a bag of groceries in her arms.

"Natalie...." he stammered.

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd be asleep," she said hesitantly, as if suddenly aware that she might be disturbing him.

"No, Nat, it's okay--"

"I...should have called. It's just that I went grocery shopping, and I thought I'd bring you--"

He stepped towards her, struggling to keep the amber from his eyes, to seem natural. "Nat, it's okay, really. You know you never have to call before you come here."

He took the groceries from her. But as his hand brushed against hers, and he caught her scent, he could feel his eyes begin to burn once more. He turned to drop the bag on the counter, hoping she hadn't noticed.

But her voice was filled with worry as she said, "Nick, what is it? What's wrong?" Her hand went to his bare arm, her warm touch burning him. He turned to face her abruptly, his eyes glowing as he whispered, "Natalie, please, I think you should go...."

He could see the fear in her eyes. But she masked it quickly, reaching out, unafraid, to grasp his hand. "What happened, Nick? Tell me. It's all right...."

The contact was driving him insane. The passion he'd always felt for her, the desire he'd fought to keep in check, was running wild now, as he looked into her eyes...so unsuspecting, so filled with concern...So beautiful, he thought as he gazed through tortured eyes at the lines of her face, the full lips anxious for his kiss.... How sweet that kiss had been! He saw it now in his mind, that moment he'd told her he loved her, the tender kiss that had been their first...but now, his hunger pervaded the memory, his passion running unbound as his lips moved to her neck, his teeth sinking in, drawing the blood that would be so precious to him....

"No..." he said weakly, forcing the fantasy from his mind. He pulled his hand from hers. Can't touch her...can't love her....

"Nick, what's going on?" she implored, near desperation in her voice.

But he'd grabbed for another bottle, ripping out the cork, heedless of her cries to stop, drinking into his thirst, willing himself to find solace in this swill, though he knew in his heart that her blood was all he wanted right now....

The bottle fell from his shaking hand. It was over. When he looked at her, his eyes were once again blue, but the anguish remained. So brave, he thought to himself as he looked into her eyes. And so beautiful. My God, Nat, what have I done to you?

"It's okay," she said soothingly, visibly shaken. "Now, do you want to tell me what did this to you?"

He looked at her helplessly, knowing he could no sooner lie to her than admit the truth. But as he sensed the presence slowly approaching, he realized with dread that the opportunity to respond had been lost forever.

"Nicolas?"

He watched in horror as Natalie's head turned sharply to the staircase, where Janette was descending, wrapped comfortably in his black brocade robe. "Nicolas, do you have any idea where I left my dress?"

She cut herself off as she saw Natalie, although Nick suspected she'd already sensed the human presence. The women's eyes locked for what seemed an eternity. Nick looked desperately at Natalie, his heart breaking to see the pain in her eyes, and hear her heart pounding frantically. He reached his hand out to her, but it was she who pulled away.

Natalie's mouth opened, but the words refused to come. With a bitter glance at Nick, she turned and left.

"Poor thing, I dare say she looked upset," Janette said coyly, with an amused look on her face.

Nick barely heard her. He rushed after Natalie, cursing as the elevator door sliced shut behind her, punching the button with his fist as he waited an eternity for it to return. And when it had brought him to the underground garage, he sighed in relief to see her still there, about to open her car door.

"Natalie! Wait! Please!"

She swung around to face him, anguish and fury in her eyes as he ran up to her. And now, alone with him, she let loose her anger.

The blow to his face was hard and swift. He'd seen it coming, but had done nothing to stop it. He knew he deserved it.

"You bastard!" she cried. "Is that what love means to you?!"

His heart sank. She did remember. "Nat, listen to me," he said, grasping her arms with as much strength as he dared without hurting her. "Let me explain--"

"Explain?" She laughed through her anger. "What, are you going to try and tell me that you didn't sleep with her? That you didn't drink her blood?" She nearly choked on the words, as if she weren't quite sure which was worse.

And she was right, he realized, as his guilt settled in the pit of his stomach. What could he possibly say to justify this blatant betrayal? Yet he knew that if she left like this, he would lose her forever. And if that were to happen, he might just as well walk into the sun. "Natalie," he stuttered, "I know I made a mistake...I knew the moment I woke up this morning--"

She looked at him cynically. "A mistake? No, Nick, I'm the one who made the mistake when I let myself believe that you could actually love me--"

"Nat, I do love you," he said passionately, bringing his hands up to her face. How he wanted her right now! How he wanted to take her in his arms and show her his love...but he dared not. "I've never loved anyone more...no mortal...no vampire..."

"Spare me," she said, pulling away from him. "Save it for the next woman who catches your interest for a year or two...."

She turned to open her car door, but he grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to face him. "Is that what you think this is?" he asked with honest disbelief.

"I know that's all it was," she whispered, stressing her emphasis on the past. And suddenly, as the impact of it all hit her, the anger in her face was replaced by her grief. "Nick, please, just let me go."

"Not like this," he said softly. "I won't let you leave here, thinking I don't love you."

"If you had, you never would have--" Her voice broke off. She looked away. "I...need to go." She pulled her arms from him, getting into the car.

Panic began to overtake him. "Nat, please, wait. Stay here, talk to me. You know I can't come after you in the daylight."

She responded without looking at him, choking back her tears. "I'm sure you've got lots upstairs to keep you busy."

"Nat--"

"Go inside, Nick. Please. Before the garage door opens."

Helpless, he stepped back, as the door cracked open automatically for her exit. The sunlight poured in, and he stood there, just out of its reach, straining his eyes as he watched her disappear. And more than anything, he wanted to run after her, even if it meant destroying himself in the fatal rays. He had to make her understand, forgive him...

But what was the point? The painful truth was that even he did not fully understand, nor could he even begin to forgive himself. How could he expect her to?

And as despair overwhelmed him, he stepped towards the light, until he could feel the stinging, the burning, as smoke began to rise from his skin. It would be so easy to do. End the pain, the guilt...what right did the have to go on hurting, causing such pain even to the one he loved more than life itself...

"Nicolas!"

Janette. Ignore her. Stand here. Let it consume you as much as your evil has...

And suddenly her hand was on his arm, pulling him into the shadows. "What were you thinking? Are you insane?!"

He looked at her, no--through her, the centuries of misery glowing in his blood red eyes. "No...just tired...tired of causing so much pain...."

He let her embrace him, then lead him back upstairs. But this time, she seemed to know that the best comfort she could give him would be his solitude.

Natalie didn't know how she'd made it home in one piece. As her car had pulled away, the tears she'd tried so desperately not to shed in front of him had filled her eyes, making it almost impossible to see. And now, as she lay on the bed clutching Sydney in her arms, the tears would not stop, as the pain enveloped her entire being.

I hate him, she thought over and over. But she knew that it was a thinly veiled lie, one which even she didn't for a moment believe. It was the very intensity of her love for him that made her feel now as if her insides would explode. Her love for him, her desire for him...her jealousy.

"How could he do this to me?" she whispered aloud to no one but her obliging feline, who, sensing her distress, had molded against her for comfort. Yet even in her sorrow, the part of her that forgave him anything, was ready to wipe the blame from him now, thrusting it instead upon herself. She should have known. She should have realized that the bond between Nick and Janette ran too deep. It had been so very clear the day he'd thought he'd been cured, when the first thing he'd done had been to drag her to the Raven...

Yet Valentine's Day had changed everything. I love you Natalie...I always have...I was just afraid to admit it, even to myself...But I want you to know...there's never been anyone like you, in eight hundred years...And just as much as I want to be mortal, I want to spend every last day of my life with you...

Had she been dreaming? Sometimes it all seemed such a blur...Yet she could still remember the touch of his cool lips as he'd tasted hers, the delicate kisses, his powerful arms enveloping her, his strong but gentle hands caressing her...They'd taken their passion to the limit of his ability to control the vampire within. It had ended in frustration, yes. But with such promise for more. Such hope for a future....

What had gone wrong? That night she'd blanked out still troubled her deeply, much more than she'd let on. It was only her trust in him that had eased her discomfort about what may or may not have happened.

Trust.

Well, that had gone out the window, hadn't it?

He'd seemed removed from her afterwards. She'd thought that he'd merely needed to step back, distance himself to curb the hunger that always threatened to emerge. It hadn't bothered her so--they still did spend time together, talking, cuddling on the couch in front of a movie, sharing stories of the past. Yet they'd never shared the same intimacy of that night, almost as if he were afraid to...or as if she really had merely dreamed it....

And how she'd longed for that intimacy again! For once she had known that he returned her love, she'd allowed herself finally to acknowledge the desires she'd always held at bay. She loved him so desperately, and wanted him just as badly. Each time they were together, she'd shyly waited, hoping for him to initiate once more what he had on Valentine's Day...

She remembered her immediate reaction to him tonight, how she'd fought not to stare when she'd seen him standing there in his black silk pajama bottoms, every line of his body clearly visible beneath. And his bare chest and arms were so perfectly muscular, so inviting....

But she'd known something was wrong. The deep lines of worry on his handsome face, the warm blue eyes struggling to exorcise themselves of the malevolent glow that frightened her. He'd suffered a setback, she knew at once.

But the reason why had never occurred to her.

Then Janette had drifted down the stairs, dressed in nothing more than the robe, Nick's robe, the elegant one she had so often seen covering his beautiful body. Natalie had wanted to scream, but the words had refused to come, swallowed up in the storm of emotions that had raged within her. And that look in Janette's eyes, of satisfaction, of victory....

Natalie berated herself for a fool. Why had she ever allowed herself to believe that he truly wanted to be hers alone?

She didn't hear the phone ring. Or maybe she just didn't care. But suddenly, her own voice was answering, and she held her breath as she waited for the tone.

"Nat, it's me...Please...please pick up. Just to let me know you got home all right..."

She willed herself not to answer it. She couldn't deal with him now. Not with these tears that wouldn't stop...

"Natalie...please...I'm so worried about you..."

His voice was cracked with emotion. She could hear it. And yet she couldn't let herself believe that he actually cared. Not anymore.

"Nat, please...I love you..." he whispered. But her sobs drowned out his words.

` Nick slammed down the receiver after the tenth attempt, certain that she was home but refusing to pick up. Or so he hoped. The thought of her driving home in such a state had worried him terribly, and he'd much rather attribute her failure to answer to her anger with him than think that something had happened to her. No, he couldn't even bear the possibility of that. He picked up the receiver nervously, hitting redial.

Her machine again.

"Nat, please...pick up."

Silence. He sighed deeply as he hung up, then glanced at his watch. Still an hour until sunset. He drank down the last gulp of blood in what must have been his third bottle. Have to satisfy it. I can't lose control when I see her. He closed his eyes wearily, leaning his head back on the couch. Grace had said Natalie would be off tonight. He'd go to her apartment, talk to her there....

And say what? An entire sleepless day had passed during which he'd done nothing but yearn to see her, speak to her...but he still had no idea what he would say. His protestations of love meant nothing to her now. She simply didn't believe him. But I do love her...

How to explain the inhuman urges that dwelt within him, the lust for blood and sex that were so inextricably intertwined? So different from his desire for her,a passion borne of his love, his need to be complete with her, make love to her....But, was it all so different? For eventually his vampiric urges intruded on all others. Whether he gave in to them or not was more often than not his choice. No, he could offer her no real excuse for his actions. There was none. He'd needed the kind of comfort he would not ask of her, for fear of risking her life. And Janette had been there to give it.

"Nicolas..." Janette's voice was full of reproach as she came suddenly to sit beside him. "How can you make such a fool of yourself calling her like that, over and over? It's obvious she doesn't want to talk to you."

He glared at her. "I can't say I blame her," he said simply, hesitant to say more. He'd never told Janette of what had passed between him and Natalie. How could he confide something that might so easily find its way back to LaCroix? Natalie's safety depended on LaCroix's belief that Nick was only using her for his own ends. For that reason, he'd never admitted his love for her to Janette; he'd just let her assume what she wanted.

Suddenly, fear gripped him. Janette had drunk his blood...she would know, or at least sense, everything now. She was looking at him strangely, as if trying to read his expression.

"You really do love her, don't you?" she said suddenly, as if in wonder. He was silent, not sure what to say, when she added, "LaCroix was right. You did lie to him."

His mouth opened slightly in amazement, and he shook his head. "You...knew? He told you what--"

"He told me everything," she confided. "Seeing the two of you kiss, the restaurant...the way you lied to him, and he dared you to bring her over." She raised her eyebrows in admiration. "I must say, Nick, you nearly fooled him. But he knows you too well. He knew you would have killed her rather than let him have her--"

"So why did he stop me?" he asked pointedly, more than a little angry that she had known something that was so painful to him, and never admitted it.

She shook her head in disbelief. "Nick, don't you know him well enough? What good would it have done to let you kill her? What value would she be to him then? And just as Sylvaine's death drove you away from us for a century, if you'd been forced to kill Natalie, you would never have forgiven him."

His rage was silent but profound. His rage at LaCroix, for having put him and Natalie through this...for having so complicated and nearly destroyed the one good thing that had happened to him in centuries...and his rage at Janette, for having known LaCroix's game and not revealed it to him. For having known of his love for Natalie and seeking to rekindle the flame between them nevertheless....

"You knew this all," he said, his voice quiet, but accusing, "Yet you let this happen between us. Why?"

"I didn't exactly force you," she reminded him.

He paused, controlling his anger with her and with himself. "I know. But I still want to know why you would--allow it--knowing how I feel about her. You have more pride than that."

Indigence flared in her eyes. "Do you think I actually see her as a threat? As competition? Nicolas, she'll be dead and gone long before the bond before us is broken."

"Don't be so sure of that, Janette," he replied in a low voice, his contempt over her words unmistakable.

Her tone softened. "Nick, what can you hope to ever come of it?" she asked, reaching her hand out to touch his face.

He grabbed her hand before it reached him, holding it back. "Love," he replied. "Marriage. Maybe even children some day. A normal relationship, where two people grow old together..."

"Isn't it far better to not grow old together?" she asked, her eyes smiling at him. "Nicolas, it's just a dream..."

"Maybe. But it's infinitely better than my reality." He released her hand, rising. "It's almost sunset. I have to get dressed to go."

He began to head towards the stairs, but her voice halted him. "You're not thinking of telling her about LaCroix, are you? Losing her memory might be the only thing that's keeping her safe."

He continued up the stairs without answering.

He was no longer sure of Janette's motives, or of how much he could trust her. But one thing was certain. If LaCroix had let him off the hook, then LaCroix was counting on Natalie not to remember their meeting. For now, Nick would not reopen that subject. As much as he needed her to know why he had distanced himself from her, he would not endanger her.

He showered, dressed, and peeked through the bathroom blinds. The sun was going down.

He hurried down the stairs, and out the door, too anxious even to notice that Janette had already gone.

The door bell was incessant. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore it, to will him away. But when his key began to turn in the lock, she realized it was inevitable.

She should never have given him a key, she thought now as she stood from the bed. But at the time, it had seemed only fair. After all, she had free access to his home...

Look where that got me.

She pushed the image of Janette coming down the stairs from her mind. It was too much to bear. She looked quickly into the mirror, realizing there was little she could do about the puffiness around her eyes. Crying did that to you. She grabbed the black eyeliner, redefining the line beneath her bottom lashes. She was setting it down when she heard his voice.

"Natalie? Are you here?"

The note of panic didn't escape her. Nor did the enormous sigh of relief as she walked into the living room.

"Thank God," he said softly.

Strange words for a vampire, she thought dully.

"I'm sorry--" he stammered, motioning to the key in his hand. "I was worried, and--"

"It's okay," she said, quietly.

Silence. His eyes were searching hers, as if trying to read which was predominant now--the anger or the pain. She needed no effort to see his anguish. She tried not to let it touch her.

"Nat," he began hesitantly. "I'm so sorry."

She nodded her acknowledgement. "Yeah. So am I."

He took a step towards her. "How can I ever convince you that this--mistake, this horrible mistake--has nothing to do with you, or how much I love you?"

Her mouth twisted in a bitter smile. "Oh, I'd say you'd be pretty hard-pressed to do that."

"Natalie..." he reached out to touch her, but she backed away. She could see the hurt on his face, but it didn't matter. She couldn't fall into that trap again, wouldn't allow herself to fall prey to his charm.

His hands fell to his sides, and he sighed deeply. "Natalie, can't you see that this was no different than the times I've gone back to the blood--it's backsliding--"

"Oh, I think it's a hell of a lot different than drinking blood out of a bottle, Nick. You...made love to her." Her sentence finished in a whisper. The words would not come easily.

He shook his head vigorously. "No, Nat, I don't love Janette, not anymore, and certainly not in the same way that I love you. She was there, and safe-- I was frustrated over everything that's been going on, and..."

"Frustrated?!" She nearly laughed. "And don't you think our relationship has been frustrating to me?"

"I know it has, but--"

"The only difference is that I didn't go somewhere else to relieve my frustrations, to get the kind of comfort that we can't give each other." She paused, looking him straight in the eye, before saying, "Maybe I should have."

She could see how her words were stinging him. But it infuriated her to think that she had loved him so faithfully all this time, unable to even think of being with someone else long before he'd ever admitted his love; he, on the other hand, had thought nothing of betraying her.

He was speechless. He had no defense. Finally, he managed, "What are you saying, Nat? Where do we go from here?"

He was leaving the choice to her. And yet what she wanted and what she had to do were two very different things. "Nowhere," she replied, trying to choke back the tears.

"Nat?"

He reached out to touch her cheek, and this time she didn't stop him. She could see a blood tear fill the corner of his eye, and she knew her own would follow.

"Natalie, I love you..." he said in a voice cracked with emotion.

"And I love you," she responded, struggling to keep her voice even. "But I won't share you. Not with Janette, not with anybody. I don't deserve that."

"I know, Nat. But I swear to you, it'll never happen again."

She backed away from him. It was the only way to maintain her strength. She shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry, Nick. But I don't believe you."

"Nat, listen to me. You have to believe me, trust me..."

But even as he said it, he seemed to realize that he was asking too much. He'd pushed her to the limit of her belief in him. And in betraying her, he'd lost more trust than he could ever hope to regain. Still he reached out to her, putting his hands on her arms, an edge of desperation in his voice as he said, "Nat, I'm begging you to forgive me, please..."

"Nick, I've already forgiven you so many things. This..." He voice trailed off as her reddened eyes suddenly spilled forth their tears. "I...just can't."

She turned from him, cursing silently at her weakness, hating the beautiful warmth of his arms as he wrapped them around her from the back, the softness of his lips as he kissed her neck, the touch of his stubble, rough against her cheek, the smooth tones of his voice as he whispered desperately, "Please, Natalie. I need you. Don't end this between us..."

She turned to face him, her own torment visible as she said, "You ended this, Nick. The minute you went back to Janette..."

Her face was in his hands, and the warm caress of his cool fingers against her tear-stained cheeks sent a rush of emotion through her as surely as did the anguish in his eyes. "I know how much I've hurt you. But you've got to believe that I love you..." And he crushed his lips against hers, as if hoping to convey the passion and regret that his words could not. Breathless, Natalie kissed him, tasting him, reveling in his touch as she knew she could never allow herself to again. And when she pulled away from him finally, she moved out of his reach, knowing she had to.

"I will always love you. And I will never stop trying to help you become human. But there can't be anything more than that between us."

He looked at her silently. Finally, he found the words to ask, "Is that what you really want?"

She swallowed. "It's what I need."

He breathed deeply, as if considering whether he could really press her further. But she stood before him now with her emotions back in check, keeping a safe distance from him with the barrier that he himself had forced her to build. He closed his eyes, as if the pain were too much for him, but nodded. He knew he'd done this to himself, to her--to them. He walked slowly to the door, then turned back to her, as if wanting to say something, anything.

But there was nothing else left for them to say.

He turned away, and then he was gone.

But the bid that she had made for her own sanity did not give her the relief that it should have. She collapsed on the couch, as her silent tears overflowed. And the memory of his kiss lingered on her lips, as overwhelming as the desire that she could have found it in her heart to forgive him.

"Captain wants a copy of the DNA and blood workup." Schanke's tone was business-like as he hopped into the passenger seat of Nick's Caddy, but his expression was one of curiosity as he gauged his partner's response.

Nick shifted uncomfortably, aware of Schanke's eyes on him as he said, "Why didn't they just send it over?"

"Because they're just finishing it now, and because we're going in that direction anyway, and because--Nick, what the hell's the matter with you? In the last few weeks, you've avoided the ME's office like the plague." He took a breath, before asking, "Nick, is there some problem here I don't know about? Something wrong between you and Natalie?"

"No. Why should there be?" He didn't have to look at Schanke to know his words hadn't been convincing.

"Look, Knight, I know that for partners, you don't tell me shit about your personal life, but I'd have to be deaf and blind not to know that there's something going on between you two."

"Like what, Schank? Friendship?" His jaw was set as he finished, "That's all there is. That's all there ever was, or will be. Period."

"Okay, okay," Schanke replied, "have it your way. Didn't mean to butt in--just trying to be a good friend and partner."

There was silence, and Nick realized that he shouldn't take his frustrations out on Schanke. He meant well. And with Natalie pointedly trying to stay out of his life, how many real friends did he have left? His tone softened. "It's okay, Schank. Look, there's just a lot of other stuff going on right now. But as far as Natalie, it is just friends."

"That's too bad," Schanke replied.

Yeah, I know, he thought dully.

A few more moments of quiet, before Schanke spoke up again, his tone confidential. "Look, Nick, I'm kind of glad this came up, because Myra's been bugging me...Her brother Zac just moved back into town...he's a lawyer with the Crown Prosecutor...just about the only one in Myra's family I get along with--"

"What's the point?" Although he knew what was coming.

"Well, you know how Myra is, and she's obsessed with finding him a nice girl. She wanted me to try to hook him up with Natalie, but, you know, I didn't want to if there was something--"

"Go ahead," he broke in, knowing his abruptness probably seemed contrived. "With my blessing. But you know how she feels about those things. Remember Lionel? Myra's cousin?"

"Yeah, but this is my brother-in-law. I've known him for fifteen years, since he was in high school. I really think she'd hit it off with him."

"You won't know until you try," he said all too cheerily. His own efforts to sound casual were making him ill. But then, what was there to be concerned about? He knew Nat well enough to know what her response would be.

Or so he'd thought. Natalie seemed to hesitate a moment at Schanke's invitation to a dinner party that Saturday. But where was her usual strenuous objection?

"I don't know," she said, averting Nick's eyes, trying to remain focused on his partner. "You know I hate these things, Schank--"

"But it's not a date, Nat," he pressed. "It's dinner at our house. Myra and Jenny and I will be there. If there's no chemistry, then you go home. Finished. Finito. That's it. And in the deal, you get a fun-filled evening with the Schankes, with lots of Myra's cooking. You never had her souvlaki. Almost as good as my grandmother's..."

"Okay, okay," she said with a weak smile. "How can I resist Myra's souvlaki?"

Nick's jaw dropped open in amazement.

Schanke was clearly excited. "Great. So we'll see you about six, okay? You're gonna flip over this guy, Nat, really..."

"Okay, okay, don't make me change my mind," she warned.

Schanke scooped up the reports. "We'd better get a move on. Cohen was in one of her impatient moods--"

"Schank, why don't you go on ahead. I wanted to talk to Nat about something--"

He could see Natalie's face flush, but was sure Schanke was too pleased to notice. And as his partner left them alone, he took a bold step towards her.

For the first time, he allowed himself a close look at her. He could see at once the lines of tension on her face, and he was sure he'd exacerbated them just by manipulating this moment alone with her. But there was more. Her usual vitality was absent, replaced instead by a weariness, a sadness. "I was...wondering how you were. I've left messages, but you never got back to me."

"I'm fine," she insisted, though he knew it was a lie. "What about you...are you eating?"

He sighed as she brought it back to a professional level. Doctor to patient. But he smiled sheepishly as he said, "Not really, Nat. I think maybe I miss your cooking."

She didn't react. "Look, the protein drinks are really simple to make. I can give you a list of ingredients and you can mix them in your blender..." She reached for paper and a pen, but he caught her wrist gently. He took the pad from her, setting it down, keeping her hand between his own, caressing it.

"Natalie, I'm not here for a prescription."

She looked up at him hesitantly, and he knew now why she had averted his gaze. For the same hurt that had been there a month ago was still burning in her eyes. "Okay," she said defiantly, "so why are you here, aside from picking up reports?"

"Because I miss you," he blurted honestly, knowing he had to get to the point. "And I thought maybe we could do something together...a movie...or dinner...I'll even try to choke down some steak...please, Nat, it's been a long time..." He was trying desperately to get through to her; he had to. "Nat, I can't stand things being like this between us," he said softly.

She pulled her hand from him. "There's no other way they can be." She turned away from him, going through the motions of leafing through the papers on her desk. "Look, Nick, I've got a lot of work to do...I told you I would still help you. So don't worry; I will. I just need some time..."

He could hear the pain in her voice. But he refused to leave it like this. He put his hands on her shoulders, feeling her stiffen at his touch. "Nat, I'm not worried about the cure right now. All I care about is us."

"There is no 'us'," she said, measuring every word.

He paused before answering, his own grief threatening to engulf him. "Not even the friendship we had before?"

At this she turned to face him, heedless of her own reddened eyes. "Nick, how can you have lived so long and not know the old cliche? You can't go back to being friends. Not once you've been more than that."

"I still want us to be more than that," he told her, and then, as she shook her head, quickly added, "but if you're not ready for that yet, I don't want to lose what we had before--"

"We can't go back. It hurts too much. I know I can't. And neither can you."

"Yes, I can, Nat, if that's all--"

"Oh really? Could you ever do that with Janette?" she accused. "Did you and she ever go back to being just friends?"

Her words stung him. But he had to press on, make her understand. "Natalie, I haven't seen Janette since that day. I told her then that it was a mistake. She knows that it's you I love, you I want to be with..."

She shook her head, throwing her hands up in the air. "I don't want to hear it. It's none of my business what you do with her, and frankly, I don't want to know about it."

"It is your business," he said, catching her hands, and looking into her eyes. "I know how much I hurt you. And I know that no matter how sorry I am, that still doesn't take away your pain. But I want the chance to make it up to you. Natalie, I want to be with you--"

"But on you terms, Nick? What you want, when you want it? Well maybe Janette can stand for that, but I can't. Love and commitment mean much more to me than they do to you, Nick."

"That's not true--" he began, but he knew that his track record with Janette didn't quite prove it. "Natalie, I won't try to justify the relationship I've had with Janette. But it's over, and will never come between us again. I swear to you."

Natalie close her eyes as if trying to keep back her tears, sighing deeply as if she could no longer go on fighting him. But when she looked at him again, it was with an anguish that begged him to stop. "Please, Nick," she said weakly, stepping away from him. "If you do care about me, then just leave me alone. Please don't make it harder than it already is."

He cursed himself silently for having pushed her. All he'd wanted was to make things right between them--but he'd succeeded only in bringing her more pain. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he reached gingerly to wipe the tear from her cheek. And at that moment he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, hold her tightly, run his fingers through her hair. But that was selfish, and he knew it. It was what he wanted. What she wanted was for him to go.

He went to the door, turning back for a brief moment to see her staring after him. "I won't stop loving you, Nat," he said in a voice cracked with emotion.

He hurried down the hallway, torturing himself by listening to the soft sobbing that only he could hear.

He was bad for her. He'd always known it, but admitted it only now. But he couldn't go on doing this to her. No matter how much he wanted her, he wouldn't push her again.

Perhaps that was the only way he could truly prove his love.

Natalie sat at her desk, her face in her hands, trying to halt the flow of tears that had assaulted her. She willed herself to stop--anyone might walk in at any moment--but her efforts were in vain. The constant pain of the past few weeks had taken its toll on her, and her nerves had been shattered long before Nick had walked into the room. Seeing him, and being forced to confront once more her anger and hurt over what he had done, had broken her. And now the grief that had plagued her since the day she'd found him with Janette was renewed, taking on new proportions.

Would it ever be over? Would she ever feel good again?

And yet, seeing him had only intensified the anguish that was her constant companion. Each morning, she awoke to the dull ache in the pit of her stomach, as the memory of what had happened came rushing back, to haunt her throughout the day. Each night, when she closed her eyes, he was there. Sometimes, her only relief would be to dare to indulge herself in the fantasy that the worst had never happened. She would see him as he'd been that night before Valentine's day, when he'd told her he'd loved her. She would imagine the touch of his cool lips as he'd kissed her, his hands gently tracing the path down her neck, to her breasts. His gentle caresses had left a trail of heat in their wake, as desire had coursed through her. And her desire for him was no less intense now. Would the thought of him ever fail to excite her?

Sometimes, her memories of that night would lead her into dreams where no obstacles stood in their way, where no vampiric urges would prevent them from consummating their love. And in those dreams, she could see his blue eyes smiling at her, taste the deep kisses, feel the heat of his cool flesh mingling with hers, the completeness of having him inside her...

But she would awake to the solitude of her reality, and the emptiness would overwhelm her. Work would only provide some reprieve. And then it would begin again...

Had seeing him tonight really made her any more miserable? Probably not. On the contrary, she knew that her heart had quickened when he'd walked through the door; his warm gaze, his tender words, the touch of his hand had sent waves of desire though her. She still loved him so, that it hurt to be apart from him, even more so knowing that it was she who had sent him away. But she couldn't let him hurt her again. To take him back, to let him break her heart again, would be infinitely worse than walking away right now...

"Natalie?"

She looked up to see Grace standing before her. Her co-worker, her friend. With all the old friends from college and Medical school that she'd lost touch with over the years, Grace had become one of the few people in whom she could confide...except for Nick. With Nick out of her life...

"Hi," she said weakly, wiping the tears from her face.

"Natalie, what's wrong?" Grace's dark eyes were filled with concern as she came to stand before her.

"Oh, it's nothing--just a really bad day," she said, her words sounding nasal from crying. At Grace's patient but insistent gaze, she relented. "Okay, it's something that I just don't think I can talk about right now--I don't even want to think about it."

"So you don't have to tell me, but I'd bet it's got something to do with Nick." At Natalie's silent nod, she went on. "He ran out of here looking like he'd just been told the world was coming to an end."

It gave Natalie no pleasure to know he was just as unhappy as she. The whole thing was just too tragic to even contemplate.

"Things looked like they were going so well between you too," Grace said shaking her head. "Honey, if it's some sort of disagreement, don't you think you can work it out? That man is in love with you. Anyone can see it a mile away."

"I know," she whispered. "But sometimes people do things that you just can't forgive. Is that wrong of me, Grace? To want to protect myself from getting hurt again?"

"Natalie, only you can decide that. I don't know what he did--"

"It's...too complicated," Natalie began, wishing she could tell her. But too much of Nick's secret was intertwined with what had happened.

"It's okay... I don't need to know. It's nobody's business but yours and his. And only you can decide if you can forgive him. If you can't, and you can't trust him not to hurt you--then you have to go on with your life. Find someone who'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

Natalie nodded, standing. "You're right. And that's just what I'm going to do." She hugged her friend in thanks, at that instant letting drop the momentary facade of strength. She could feign new resolve, to Grace, and even to herself. But would she ever find a way to go on with her life without him?

She doubted it. But she'd damned well have to try.

Myra Schanke hugged her at the door, a pretty woman of slight build, with thick dark hair cut shoulder length. A flowered apron covered a casual blue cotton dress, and Natalie realized that Myra still held a pot-holder in her hand. "Natalie, it's so good to see you again. You look great!"

"You too, Myra," Natalie replied. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"No, no, dinner's almost ready. Why don't you just go join the guys in the living room." She took Natalie's coat, lowering her voice as she said, with a twinkle in her eye, "I can't wait for you to meet Zac!"

Natalie smiled politely, really abhorring this type of thing, now more than ever. But she'd made a resolution to go back to the life that she'd had before she'd ever met a vampire named Nick Knight, and that meant socializing...

But as she walked into the living room, her doubts melted away. For the man who rose to meet her, his hand outstretched, was not what she had dreaded.

He was exquisite.

He stood over six feet tall, with dark brown hair that curled slightly at the nape of his neck. His eyes were hazel, his skin tanned, his body slim but muscular. He was dressed casually but impeccably, in a tan suit and powder blue shirt, a thin leather tie topping off the look. And his smile radiated warmth as he took her hand.

"Natalie, this is my brother, Zac Springthorpe. Zac, Dr. Natalie Lambert..."

"Nice to meet you, Natalie," he said in a warm voice. "Donny and Myra have told me a lot about you..."

Natalie gave him her sweetest smile, surprising herself with how naturally it came.

No, she should never have dreaded this evening at all....

The rich red liquid tasted good as it passed his lips, soothing his parched throat, invigorating his weary body. Nick had debated between the hamburger meat and bottle of blood for a full thirty seconds before choosing the latter. And while a part of him needed it, wanted it, an inner voice reproached him for his weakness. The vampire had won out tonight, as it had every night as of late. And while he had tried to suppress it, he knew in his heart that this evening he'd given in almost without a second thought.

It was Saturday. And at this very moment, Natalie was at Schanke's house on what very nearly constituted a blind date.

He shouldn't care, he knew. She wanted him out of her life. He'd vowed to respect that. But did that mean he would cease to worry about her? No. Their connection ran too deep. Yet it was more than simple concern at the moment, and he knew it.

You're jealous, he told himself. Utterly and insanely jealous. But you have to get used to it, don't you?

Nick took another swig of the blood. It didn't ease the emotional pain, any more than it rid him of the dull, heavy ache that had settled in his chest. But it would keep him in control; and control was something he felt on the verge of losing at any moment. The blood ran down his throat, and he tipped the bottle, draining it of the last precious drop. Empty. He reached into the refrigerator, took another bottle in his hand, staring at it for a moment before tearing out the cork. Considering it. Despising it. Needing more.

Don't do it, the voice told him, as it constantly had for the past three years. What would Nat think?

He caught himself in the innocent, routine thought, and the dull ache intensified. It doesn't matter anymore. Not to her. You made sure of that.

He closed his eyes as he lifted the bottle to his lips in utter disgust.

Natalie locked the door behind her as Sydney came running up to rub his nose against her leg. She smiled, lifting him up into her arms. "Well, Sydney, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

And it hadn't been. Zac had proven to have a personality that matched his good looks, with an easy-going manner, and a sense of humor that had made her laugh for the first time in over a month. It felt good, there was no doubt. And she needed to feel good...

But she had known, even as Zac had asked for her number, and boldly made plans to take her to lunch the next day, that the good feelings he engendered in her were only a brief reprieve. For below the surface was always Nick, his memory consuming her with a more intense love and pain than she had ever known.

Even now, as she looked through her closet for something to wear the next day, her thoughts ran to him. Had it hurt him to know that she was going to Schanke's tonight? She hadn't wanted that, and even now wished that she had told Schanke she'd discuss it with him later. Hurting Nick, no matter what he had done to her, would bring her no joy. In fact, it would only magnify her sense of tragedy over what had befallen them.

She'd broken with him for her own good. Not to punish him for what he had done to her.

She slipped into bed, willing herself to focus on her date tomorrow afternoon. But as she tried to envision walking with Zac in the sunlight, it was all she could do to keep the image of the man beside her from transforming itself into Nick. And as the reality struck her, that this was a simple pleasure she and Nick would never share, a great sadness overwhelmed her....

And once more, it was Nick who found his way easily into her dreams....

Nick tapped his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel as he waited for Schanke to slowly lumber towards the Caddy. It was taking him an interminably long time, almost as if Schanke's speed were inversely related to his partner's impatience. He knows I'm going to ask, he thought to himself grimly. I won't give him the satisfaction. He won't be able to keep it to himself anyway. I'll just wait...

The thought of dominating Schanke's mind, of hypnotizing him into relating every last nuance and detail of last night, had occurred to Nick for the briefest of moments. But he'd dismissed the idea as both unfair and unnecessary. He knew Schanke too well. If something significant had transpired, he'd be bursting to tell. Especially if he had doubts as to Nick's professed lack of romantic interest in Natalie....

"Man, oh man, I hate these Sunday shifts," Schanke complained, plopping into the passenger seat. "What I wouldn't do for an entire weekend off..." Nick could feel Schanke's eyes turn on him as he asked, "So, how was your weekend?"

"Oh, not bad," he replied nonchalantly, keeping his eyes on the road ahead of him. "Quiet."

Silence. The sky grew black as the precinct drew nearer. Finally, Schanke could contain himself no longer. "Come on, aren't you even curious?"

"About what?" Nick asked innocently.

"About what? About Natalie, and Myra's brother. Don't you wanna know how it worked out?"

Nick threw him a glance. "Oh, was that last night?"

"Come on, you know damn well it was last night," he replied, exasperated.

Nick laughed. "Okay, Schank, don't bust a gut. Tell me. How did they hit it off?" Good. Nice and casual.

"Great. Absolutely great. Myra was ecstatic. And after he got home, Zac actually called to thank us. He absolutely flipped over her."

Nick shifted uncomfortably. This wasn't what his heart had hoped to hear. "So, do you think they'll get together again?"

"They already had a lunch date for today. Can you believe it?" He shook his head in admiration. "That brother-in-law of mine doesn't waste any time."

They'd reached the station, and Nick had pulled into a spot. He turned now to look sharply at his partner. "What do you mean, he 'doesn't waste any time'? What kind of guy is this, anyway?"

"Relax. He's a great guy. He's just always been a little bit of a lady's man--"

"So then why the hell did you set him up with her?" he snapped. So much for casual.

"He says his prowling days are over--he's looking to settle down with a nice girl. Don't worry, he's not going to push things too far with Natalie--" He stepped out of the car, then stuck his head back through the door. "That is, unless she wants him to."

Nick just glared at him, glad that Schanke looked away before the amber glow rose to his eyes.

Natalie laughed as Zac told her of his first meeting with Schanke. He'd been the same old Donny, with longer sideburns and a penchant for singing Elvis songs. "Aw, he's a good guy," Zac said finally with a grin. "And he makes my sister happy--that's all that really matters."

They'd been sitting in the restaurant for what must have been hours, talking of anything and everything--work, politics, religion, sports. There was so much they had in common, and conversation flowed between them as if they had known each other for years. He's just too good to be real, Natalie thought to herself. There's got to be something wrong with him.

But if there were, she hadn't found it yet.

"What about you, Nat? Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

Her smile faded slightly, and she could see by the questioning look in his eyes that he had noticed immediately. "I had a brother," she explained. "Richard. He was three years younger, and we were very close. But he died two years ago."

His hand covered hers instinctively in a show of comfort. "I'm sorry. What happened?"

Such a difficult question. How to explain Richard's final demise? The shooting, his rapid deterioration and death...begging Nick to bring him over, only to create an uncontrollable killer who had had to be destroyed...how could she ever convey the ordeal, the guilt which she and Nick had shared? She couldn't. And it saddened her to realize suddenly that there was a major tragedy in her life that she could never share, with this man, or with any that she might choose to be with.

"He...was shot," she replied simply.

Zac must have read the distress on her face, for he looked suddenly uncomfortable as he said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked--"

This time it was Natalie who reached to squeeze the hand that lay upon hers as she said, "No, really, it's okay. It's just that I still miss him, and it's a little strange talking to you about him, because he was a lawyer too, for the Crown Prosecutor..."

Zac's eyes opened wide, but he nodded his understanding. "Hey, you know it's already dark out..." he began, trying to change the subject for her sake.

Natalie looked out the window to see that indeed the sky had turned crimson with sunset. She smiled. "Well, this has got to be the longest lunch I've ever had."

His eyes sparkled with hope as he said, "Does that mean you'll let me take you to dinner?"

She laughed, motioning to the plates in front of them. "Now? I think I'm a little stuffed from lunch!" Wasn't it great to eat out with a man who actually ate the food...

He moved his face closer to hers. "How about a movie then? And we can eat again when we get out."

Natalie smiled. He didn't want the day to end. But the beauty of it was that neither did she. "Sure. Why not?"

The evening had been perfect. They'd gone to see a light comedy, which had lifted any remnants of gloom from her spirit. And when Zac had slipped his arm around her in the theater, the contact had been welcome. Dinner had brought forth more of the intense but relaxed conversation, and as he walked her now to her door, she felt fully at ease with him. "Would you...like to come in?" she asked hesitantly. She wanted to spend more time with him. But memories of Roger Jameson had put a silent fear in her soul. It's Myra's brother, she reminded herself. He's not some psychotic rapist.

Ironically, Zac seemed just as hesitant, as if he had been afraid to suggest prolonging the evening any further. But he accepted her invitation, squeezing her hand as she led him inside.

Sydney came running up to them, rubbing his nose against Natalie's leg. "I'm sorry I left you alone so long," she told him, picking him up to give him a hug. "Sydney, this is Zac," she said, introducing them.

"Hey, Sydney, how 'ya doing?" Zac caressed the feline's head, rubbing him at the bridge of his nose so that Sydney purred in pleasure.

"I think he likes you," Natalie said, in the back of her mind remembering all the times Sydney had shied away from Nick, frightened by the scent of him.

"I like him, too." Zac ran his hand along Sydney's fur, petting him absently as if something else had come to his mind. And as his hand touched Natalie's, he let it rest there, his warmth sending chills through her. Her eyes rose to meet his, and for a long moment they remained locked in a silent gaze. Gently, Zac took Sydney from her arms, setting him on the floor. "And I know I like you," he said softly.

Natalie flushed as he took her face in his hands, bringing his lips to hers. And as the warmth of his touch sent the waves of desire coursing through her, she gladly fell into his strong embrace, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in the simple pleasure of this human contact....

Outside, a lone figure stood, watching their shadows meld together in the midnight moonlight....

He'd led her to the couch, and Natalie had allowed herself to fall comfortably back onto the cushions as he gently brought himself down on top of her. His kisses were tender, slow, as if he were relishing every touch. Yet his seemingly deliberate patience served only to heighten her urgency as she kissed him deeply, excited by the sensation of his warm body pressing heavily against hers. She'd needed this for so long...wanted this...

...but as his hand moved up to her rumpled skirt, caressing her, then slowly beginning to reach beneath, she knew that it wasn't Zac she wanted. Her eyes opened to look at him, and the realization came all at once; she had nearly let her passions, frustrated for so long in her desire for Nick, manifest themselves in an act that she would surely regret. "No, Zac, please, stop..."

He pulled away to look at her, a mixture of confusion and embarrassment on his face. She couldn't blame him. He couldn't know that it had been Nick she'd been kissing so hungrily, Nick she'd desired...

"I'm sorry, Natalie, I didn't mean to get carried away--"

"It's okay," she assured him, though as she sat up and straightened her clothes, she knew she was consciously distancing herself from him. "We both did."

"No, I am really sorry," he insisted, his eyes filled with worry that he might have offended her. He took her hand in his, caressing it as he said, "Natalie, this day has just been so--unbelievable--I really enjoy being with you, and I just wanted to be close to you. I know it may sound like a line, but it's not. I had a really good time."

"It's okay," she assured him. "I did too. It's just--I'm not ready to be that close to someone so soon--"

His face grew dark. "Is there...some other guy in the picture?"

Natalie knew that her cheeks had turned red, but it was unavoidable. She liked Zac too much to lie to him. "There...there was," she said slowly. "But not anymore."

Zac seemed to study her face for a moment before asking, "Is there a possibility of your going back to him?"

The question had caught her off guard, but she answered with a resolute, "No. Never."

His face took on a wistful smile as he reached up to touch her cheek. "You know, pretty lady, you have a real potential to break my heart."

She flushed at his words and his touch, but replied softly, "That's the last thing I want to do." It had hurt too much when Nick had done it to her. She couldn't bear the thought of bringing someone else such pain.

And as he brought his lips to hers for a delicate kiss, she wished more than anything that she could love him half as much as she loved Nick...

A few more brief kisses, and Zac was gone, though not before eliciting a promise that she would see him again. It had not been a difficult choice. She wanted to. And as she drew her knees up in front of her, resting her head tiredly upon them, she considered what had almost happened.

It would have been so easy to give in to her passion, to lose her pain in his arms. But, she knew that the release would have only been a brief reprieve. Her grief would still be there. And so would Nick.

Suddenly, she raised her head sharply, looking through the window into the darkness of the night. She'd almost felt his presence, and a chill had run down her spine. She missed him so much that her entire being ached for him. And her day with Zac, no matter how pleasant, had only been a fleeting escape from her anguish. She closed her eyes as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "Nick," she whispered.

But of course, he wasn't there.

He stood below her window, watching the stranger take the woman he loved into his arms. And his anger was belied by the amber flash in his blue eyes. With fury he watched as the stranger led her to the couch, and they disappeared from his view....

He felt as if his heart would burst. He wanted to fly away into the night, drown his sorrow in blood...

And he wanted to kill the stranger who dared to touch her. Centuries had passed like moments compared to the hour that he waited now, listening, imagining, fuming...

And then her voice came to him. A voice only he could hear.

No, Zac, please stop...

He'd rip him apart if he hurt her! Without thinking he was outside the window, suspended conspicuously with no regard as to secrecy, hovering, watching, his eyes aflame...

She was all right. She was separated from the stranger, who was mumbling some line to her, then asking her if there were another...

There...there was. But not anymore.

He could hear her regret, and it gave him a glimmer of hope; he wanted to go to her, tell her that he was there if only she would have him....Would she ever take him back?

The stranger was testing her, wanting to know precisely that. And Nick's entire being waited for her response.

No. Never.

The crimson faded from his eyes, as a blood tear threatened to escape. The rest of their words were lost to him, as the pounding in his head grew intense. He watched her lips meet the stranger's once more. And even after the stranger had gone, he stood transfixed, watching her, hearing her cry softly....

How he wanted to go to her! To take her in his arms as the stranger had, to free her of the pain he'd inflicted upon her. But he couldn't. She didn't want him.

He'd lost her. He'd known it before. How many times would she have to tell him, before he accepted it? Perhaps coming here had confirmed it to him, proven to him that she wanted to go on with her life....

He flew home without thinking, found his way to the kitchen, pulled the bottle from the refrigerator without regret. What did it matter now? He drank deeply from the bottle, wishing the blood could cleanse him of the myriad of emotions that were raging within him.

Guilt, for having spied on her so unscrupulously. But he'd gotten what he deserved, hadn't he? He could only now begin to understand what she had felt upon finding him that day with Janette.

Jealousy, that threatened to consume him.

And a grief greater than he had imagined himself still capable of.

There had been a moment of hope--when he'd realized that she did still have feelings for him. Yet her clear assertion that she would not take him back--No. Never.--resounded in his brain. How arrogant he'd been to even imagine she could forgive him. Eight hundred years of selfishness, of giving into his whims at the expense of others, had truly made a monster of him. He'd given into his weakness that night with Janette--and both he and Natalie would pay for it for the rest of their lives. He'd used Janette, betrayed Natalie, and confirmed his own belief that he was beyond redemption. Natalie had been the only one who'd ever truly believed in his humanity. And he'd seen to it that that faith had been destroyed. "Here's to you, Nat," he murmured as he tore the cork from another bottle. "Here's hoping you find someone better than I am."

It shouldn't be that hard, he mused bitterly, bringing the bottle to his lips.

Natalie pushed away the hair that had fallen in her face, and leaned back against the kitchen counter, taking stock of what she had left to do. The turkey was done, the table set, the salad made and chilling in the refrigerator. Mash the potatoes, make the gravy, and dinner would be ready. She glanced at the clock. Six forty-five. Zac would be there in fifteen minutes. She stepped into the living room to take a last look at herself in the mirror. Hair in place, make-up still fresh...maybe just a little more lipstick. No, he'd kiss her as soon as he came in. Too messy....

She smiled to herself as she realized how self-conscious she was being. It had been a long time since she'd actually dated someone, and the experience was as new and exciting as it had been years ago. The last month had gone so smoothly, as she and Zac had spent most of their free time together, getting to know each other as they'd gone to movies, the theater, Blue Jays games, and the traditional dinner and dancing. They'd hit most of the clubs in Toronto, although Zac couldn't understand her refusal to go to the Raven. He'd heard it was the most popular spot in town; but Natalie had insisted that she hated the gothic scene, and, eager to please her, he'd dropped the subject.

Since that first night in her apartment, Zac had been the consummate gentleman, never attempting to push their relationship any farther than she felt comfortable. His desire to respect her wishes made him even more endearing; and the affection he showered on her made him all the more attractive. Natalie knew that if she had met Zac four years ago, she would have fallen hopelessly in love with him.

But the last four years had changed her life, changed her, forever. And try as she might to free herself of the past, she could not. She wanted to love Zac; she truly did. But it was Nick who still haunted her thoughts; Nick with whom she was still hopelessly in love.

She knew it in her heart. But she was pointedly trying to ignore it. It'll go away, she told herself constantly. The feelings will go away.

The doorbell rang, and she drove thoughts of the past from her mind. Zac was her present. And if she were lucky, he would be her future.

He took her in his arms, kissing her deeply as he always did. Her hug was just a little tighter, a bit more desperate than usual. This is real, she told herself as she kissed him again. Someone who can kiss me, and hold me, and really love me.

Zac seemed only too thrilled by her greeting. "Hey, if this is the appetizer, I can't wait for the main course."

"It's turkey," she told him innocently.

He wrapped his arms around her. "I think I'll have you instead," he said tenderly, kissing her again. He pulled away to look into her eyes. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? I know it's only been a month, but--"

Natalie gave him a light kiss to silence him. She was pretty certain she knew how he felt. But she was still a little frightened to hear it. She didn't know quite how she would respond. Better to leave things as they were.... "Okay," he gave in with a smile, as though reading her thoughts. "I'll try to control myself, although you make it pretty damned hard." He handed her the plastic bag he'd brought in with him. "Here. Look what I picked up at the video store. It just came out. I can't wait to see it, I read the book years ago, but never got to see the movie...."

"What is it?" Natalie asked, pulling the tape from the bag. Her smile faded as she read the title.

Interview With The Vampire.

"What's the matter, Nat?" he asked. "Have you seen it already?"

"Uh, yeah, but it's okay, I don't mind seeing it again." She turned from him to put the tape on top of the VCR. She was too sick to feign a smile right now. She felt him wrap his arms around her from the back, as he whispered playfully in her ear, "What's the matter, are you afraid of vampires?" He began to nuzzle at her neck, and she pulled away more abruptly than she wanted to.

"Natalie, what is it? I'm sorry, I was just playing around..."

The look of concern in his eyes was too deep, and it touched her heart. Her face softened. "No, it's okay, I've just been a little jumpy. I'm sorry." She smiled at him, genuinely now, and he took her by the hand.

"Come on, let's have dinner, then we'll sit down and cuddle together. I'll give you a nice backrub, and smooth out all those tense muscles. How's that sound?"

"Great," she said honestly, letting him take her in his arms again. "I think I really need it."

Saturday night.

When was the last time Nick had gone out on a Saturday night? He'd never really thought about it at the time, but he'd probably spent most of his weekend nights with Natalie, going to movies, or sitting on the couch together talking, watching videos, occasionally working on his rare consumption of food. She'd make dinner, and he'd try his best to down a few bites, before the usual nausea overtook him. Sometimes he'd fight to keep it down, just to see the warm smile on her face. He'd done it to seek his humanity, yes. But he'd done it to make her happy, too.

Tonight, she wouldn't be with him, as she hadn't been now for over two months. The video and the blood would be his only companions.

Interview with the Vampire.

Ironic, yet real. Strange, yet hauntingly familiar. He'd seen it with Natalie when it had first come out; how it had moved them both! She'd cried for Louis, and she hadn't had to tell Nick that it was because Louis reminded her of him. And he'd seen it himself. Just as he'd seen LaCroix in LeStat, though young Tom Cruise was mild in comparison. But the struggle was there, the emotion, the bond of love and hate, the anguish.

It was his life.

And Natalie had promised that when it came out on video she would buy him a copy....

He'd watch it alone, tonight. And as he pressed PLAY, he could only wonder where she was...

Laughter. Nick turned around, his lips still fresh with blood, to hear its source. And as he did, a low growl escaped from him....

"Ah, Nicholas, I see you're watching our movie. Do you mind if I sit down and join you?"

"What the hell are you doing here, LaCroix?"

His voice betrayed more annoyance than anger. His senses were too dulled for anything else.

"It's been a long time," his sire said congenially. "I thought we could spend some time together--some father and son activities. Maybe we could even catch a baseball game--"

Nick shook his head wearily in disbelief. "Why so chummy all of a sudden? Do you think anything's changed?"

"Oh, but it has, Nicholas. And I just wanted to be here to welcome you back into the fold."

Nick looked at him sharply, but realized that LaCroix's eyes were on the bottle in Nick's hand. It had become such a permanent fixture, he'd almost forgotten about it. But were he to deny that he had fallen off the wagon, the evidence would be in his very hand. Instead, he merely replied, "Everyone has bad days. That doesn't mean I want to return to that life."

"Oh, but Nicholas, you've had some very bad days, or so I've heard."

The false sympathy dripped so thickly from his words that Nick felt repulsed. "Things will get better," he said simply.

LaCroix moved closer to him, his tone confidential as he said, "When? When your Doctor Lambert comes back to you? Now you know that's not going to happen."

Nick was silent, but his eyes had turned amber with his hatred. It was LaCroix's fault this entire turn of events had transpired. If he hadn't forced Nick to back away from his relationship with Natalie....

"You mustn't blame me, Nicholas. From what Janette's told me, it was your own inability to resist her that drove that poor girl away."

"Natalie Lambert meant nothing to me. I told you that," he replied tersely, needing to keep up the lie, although he knew damn well now that LaCroix had seen through it from the beginning.

LaCroix shook his head. "Poor Nicholas. Did you ever really think I believed you? I let you off the hook. But you surprised even me. I did think you loved her. But I suppose your lust for Janette was stronger. I suppose old habits die hard."

Nick fought to hold his tongue, and to keep his eyes from burning crimson. LaCroix would not goad him into an admission. Nick would not allow him to turn this into a game. "So what is it you want? I mean, right now?"

He opened his palms to him in an honest gesture. "I told you. Right now, I just thought I'd sit and enjoy the movie with you." He gestured to the screen. "Look, it's the part where LeStat brings Louis over. Doesn't that bring back memories?"

Nick sighed in resignation. "Stay if you like," he murmured, settling back on the couch to lose himself in the movie. "There's blood in the fridge. Help yourself."

"Thank you," he said, pulling a bottle from his coat, "I brought my own."

But Nick had already tuned out LaCroix, as the film before him transported him to another time...

1994....

The theater was dark, filled to the max with hundreds who'd waited anxiously for the movie's opening day. Nick sat transfixed, watching the figures on the screen who so reminded him of himself and LaCroix...Louis' refusal to drink human blood, his angst...LeStat's refusal to leave him in peace, to die...even Louis' mixed feelings for his sire--hatred, and yet affection for the one who had made him...

Natalie could see that it was moving him. And it had moved her as well. In Louis, she saw him. And when Louis cried over Claudia's death, she cried. He slipped an arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder. Thus they watched it together until the end....

Later, she'd lain back in his arms on the couch as they sat in front of the TV, oblivious to what was on the screen. She'd made him a protein drink, and herself a cup of coffee. There they sat, discussing what they had just seen. "Did your really like it?" he asked excitedly.

"I loved it," she'd told him honestly, though she'd wanted to add, and I love you.

"Good. I'm glad."

She was silent for a moment, before asking, "Nick, was it really like that between you two?"

He thought before answering. "In a way. Although Louis always knew that he didn't want to kill...it took me a while to--" He broke himself off, ashamed for what he was telling her.

She squeezed his hand. "It's okay. It's what you feel and do now that's important."

He smiled at her, reaching with his free hand to caress her cheek. For a moment she held her breath, thinking he would kiss her. But it was a brief brush of his lips against hers, the kind too ambiguous to classify as anything more than friendship. He separated from her almost nervously, as he picked up the protein drink. "To now," he said, raising his glass to her. "And the future."

She smiled in approval as he finished the drink before her eyes, a real gesture of his effort to become mortal again, and a tribute to what she was doing to help him...

But this was the future, and the lips brushing against her cheek now were not Nick's. The movie had brought it all back to her, including the closeness they had shared that night. And as she lay back in the warmth of Zac's arms, her only thought was that she missed the cool touch that had always warmed her nevertheless.

On the television screen, Louis fought his urge to drink the creole slave's blood...and lost. Had it been like that for Nick the night he'd fed from Janette?

No, she reminded herself. There was much more involved there than a simple desire for blood.

But as the movie progressed, and Louis's angst deepened, she could not help but remember her vow to help free Nick of his. No matter what he had done to her, she had promised him that. And as the film came to an end, and Zac began to kiss her, her thoughts were as far away as Nick's loft...

She would go see him tonight.

"Oh, Louis, Louis, still whining, Louis....I've had to listen to that for centuries!"

LaCroix burst into peals of laughter. "Oh, Nicholas, the woman who wrote this must have known you!"

"And you," he replied mirthlessly. He hit STOP, then REWIND on the VCR. "The show's over, LaCroix--" he began. But the door buzzer cut him off.

Curiously, Nick clicked on the monitor--to see Natalie's face gazing up into the camera. His heart leapt, then fell as LaCroix's voice reminded him of his presence.

"Actually, it looks like the show may just be beginning." He was still trying to contain his amusement. "Your little doctor friend surprises me. Oh, don't worry, Nicholas, I'll leave you alone with her. And remember--don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Nick could still hear his laughter even as LaCroix flew into the night. He turned back to the screen. "Natalie...come up..."

Quickly, he gathered up the empty bottles, throwing them into the garbage. He cursed himself for not having shaved off the last two days worth of stubble. He must look awful.

And she looked beautiful. He felt the smile come involuntarily to his lips as she looked up at him with the eyes that had only gazed at him in his dreams. He couldn't believe she was there.

"Hi, Nat," he said awkwardly, stepping towards her.

"Hi, Nick. I hope I'm not interrupting anything--" She cut herself off, as if she'd realized that the innocuous statement brought back memories of the last time she'd come here.

"No, it's okay, really," he assured her. "Come in--"

"Wait, Nick, I have to say something." She stood unmoving, as if afraid to stand closer to him.

"What is it, Nat?" he asked gently, though he felt as if his body would burst from anticipation.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for not helping you more over the last two months." She looked down at the bag in her hand, rather than meet his eyes. "I've just had to spend some time getting my life back together, and--"

"Nat, you don't need to apologize," he said, laying his hand over hers. "After what I did to you--"

She looked up at him. "Nick, please. There's no need to rehash it. It's in the past. Now, I made a promise to help you, and I will. I just don't want you to think this means that--"

"I know it doesn't," he broke in, cutting her off primarily so that he wouldn't have to hear her say it. "And I...I appreciate the fact that you still want to help me. I never would have made any progress in the past if it weren't for you."

Again, she was averting his gaze. She took the bag she'd brought, set it on the counter and took out a tall pitcher of whitish liquid. "Got a glass?"

He handed her one, and she poured him a protein drink. In the past, he'd found these difficult enough to imbibe. He realized in a panic that with all the blood he had consumed of late, drinking this concoction would be damned near impossible. But he had to try. He had to show her he wanted to. He lifted it to his lips, taking a small sip. At once, he had to struggle against the gag reflexes which had become even more violent than before. But he swallowed it, closing his eyes as he willed it to stay down.

"Have you been eating?" she asked, studying him now, the veil of professionalism allowing her to do so.

"No," he admitted, refusing to let her catch him in even the smallest fib. He had to show her complete honesty. "I haven't really done well on my own, Nat."

He could see the distress on her face, compounded as she went to put the pitcher in his refrigerator. A good dozen bottles of blood greeted her. She wedged the pitcher in between them, and closed the door quickly. "I can see that."

She reached into her purse. "I thought you might need some more of these, too. The vitamins were helping a little--"

"I still take them," he told her, glad that he could show her that he hadn't given up altogether on her treatments. "Look, Nat..."

From his pocket, he pulled the tiny silver pillbox that she'd given him. "I look at it every day," he said softly. "And when I read the inscription, I remember to take my vitamins."

He'd wanted her to know that he still kept her gift close to his heart. He'd wanted her to see that all her effort had not been in vain. The last thing he'd wanted her to do was cry. Yet as she saw the tiny box in his hand, her eyes began to fill with tears. "Nick..." she began softly, then shook her head. "I...have to go." She turned to leave.

"No, Nat, wait!" he called.

She took a deep breath before turning back to him, and he could see she'd managed to hold back her tears, tears that he would not for anything risk bringing forth again. It had been difficult for her to come here, he knew. But the fact that she had, that she cared enough about him and his struggle to reaffirm her vow to help him, had given him more hope than he'd felt in months. Hope that if he were patient, if he could prove himself to her all over again...maybe she would give him another chance. But not now, not like this. The most he could hope for now was to ease some of the tension between them...without pushing her so far that he would scare her off.

"Nat, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He stepped closer, resting his hands gingerly on her arms, looking into her eyes, relieved when she didn't pull away. "Nat, why don't you stay a while? Maybe watch a movie? Please?"

"Nick, I don't know," she began, but he could sense her hesitation. And her eyes had not left his this time, as if she were searching the answer to her own feelings within his gaze...

"Oh, come on," he said, smiling with anticipation that she might accept. "You're not going to believe what I just rented tonight--Interview With A Vampire. It just came out--"

Her face changed only slightly as a moment of confusion seemed to flash through her mind, as she replied without thinking, "Oh, I know, we rented it tonight."

She caught herself in her careless, unintentional use of the plural pronoun. And Nick knew he had to struggle to keep his composure, as jealousy began to consume him. But he could see in her eyes that she hadn't meant to hurt him, and he believed it in his heart. For her sake he tried to gloss over it. "Remember when you and I saw it together?"

"I remember," she said softly. She looked down, as if to gain strength by breaking their eye contact. "Look, Nick, I'd like to stay...but I think right now it's...best if I go home."

"Another time, maybe?" he asked nervously, finding it hard to keep his casual smile.

"Sure." She began to turn, but his hand took hers as instinctively as if it had a mind of its own. "Nat, I..."

"Yes?" she asked, trying desperately not to show that the contact meant anything; but she was failing miserably.

"Nat, I just want you to know...I'm glad you're doing okay...and if you've found someone that makes you happy--" His voice broke off, and he took a deep breath before forcing the words out. "I'm...I'm really happy for you..." He cursed himself for the edge of pain that had pervaded his words, the emotion he could not hold back. He hoped she hadn't noticed, but knew it had been just as clear as the time she'd dated Roger, when he'd choked out nearly the same words.

Natalie's eyes were red as she nodded slightly and said, "I...really have to go." Her hand slipped from his, and he felt the sudden loss of her warmth. He watched silently as she left without turning back.

For a long time he was motionless, staring at the spot where she had stood, still feeling the touch of her hand, seeing her face, the eyes filled with as deep an anguish as his own. And while his heart drew solace in the certainly that she still cared for him, his conscience weighed heavily upon him for having wronged her so. The damage between them seemed irreparable, and he had no one to blame but himself.

She'd told him again and again that it was over. Yet hadn't her eyes told him otherwise? Hadn't the quickening of her heartbeat, the tears threatening to escape, urged him not to believe the words she'd spoken in anger, in grief?

I can't lose her. I won't.

He opened the refrigerator. His eyes suddenly flared a deep amber as he saw the blood that had been the bane of his existence, and the escape from his sorrow. But as he reached this time for the first bottle, he knew what he must do if he were to end the pain for both of them.

He emptied it out into the sink. Then the next. And the next, until all that remained was the pitcher of liquid protein.

He would start again. And the day would come when he would go to Natalie changed, different, severed from his past. The cure he would still need to find. But he did have it in his power to cleanse his spirit of all that had come between them--the blood, Janette and LaCroix.

I'll show you, Nat. I'll show you that you're more important to me than any of them.

He thought of her as he sipped the drink...and somehow, it went down more easily.

Natalie collapsed on her bed, surrendering finally to the silent tears that had risen to her eyes from the moment that Nick had shown her the silver pillbox. She'd thought she could handle seeing him. She'd thought she was ready to go on with her life, a life without him.

She'd been wrong.

Why had she ever gone to his loft? She'd vowed to help him. And he needed her. That much was clear. But she knew that her motives went far beyond her integrity and nurturing character.

She'd wanted to see him. She'd needed to see if her heart would still quicken at his smile, if the longing would still be there.

It was. And with a resignation bordering on panic, she realized that it would always be there. She'd always love him, desire him, want to be with him. Despite how much he'd hurt her, regardless of her developing romance with Zac, she would always want Nick.

The tragedy of it terrified her.

Zac was everything she'd once wanted. And now, all she really wanted was Nick, a man as wrong for her as he could possibly be. There was only one recourse; determined, she reached for the phone.

She dialed his number, waiting anxiously for him to pick up. "Hello?" His voice was sleepy.

"Hi, it's me, Nat."

"Natalie! Hi! What are you doing still awake?"

"I couldn't sleep," she said nervously. "I feel like...doing something. I thought maybe we could go out for coffee or something." She hesitated, as her nerve slowly slipped away. "Look, I'm sorry I woke you up--"

"No, no, it's okay. I'll be right over."

She washed her face, reapplied her makeup, and had calmed down a bit by the time he arrived. His face was full of worry as he wrapped his arms around her. "What's the matter, baby?" he asked tenderly, hugging her to him.

"I just...I don't know..." She was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry I bothered you--"

"It's okay," he reassured her once more. He looked into her eyes as he said, "I'm here for you, Nat. Whatever it is." He paused, taking a deep breath before saying, "I love you."

Her cheeks flushed at his words. And she knew that she had done the right thing, was doing the right thing now, as she replied, "I love you too, Zac."

Zac's eyes opened wide with surprise, with pleasure, before he took her into his embrace, kissing her hungrily.

Their kiss was long and passionate, and from the street corner where a lone figure watched, it had the definite promise of leading to more. Natalie had no way of knowing that he had followed her, and that he observed her now, with the curiosity and amusement of a voyeur.

But then again, if she had seen LaCroix, she wouldn't have remembered having met him anyway.

Two weeks off the blood had done him wonders. His dreams now virtually free of the usual nightmares that had plagued him for centuries, he awoke refreshed, anxious to down the bacon and eggs that he'd only just learned to fry for himself. He ate, showered, and now, as he shaved the stubble from his face, he smiled to see his own reflection. His cheeks were pink! What would Natalie say when she saw him?

He hadn't spoken to her since the night she'd come to the loft. But of course, he thought of her constantly, the image of her enough to give him the strength to go on. For the first time in ages he had a goal, a purpose. And in the moments when his self control had almost failed him, he had simply envisioned the smile that would light up her face when he told her how far he had come.

Of course, mortality was far from his reach. But he had made a true beginning, and he knew now that he could suppress the vampire enough to lead some modicum of a normal life. What would it be like to take her to dinner, to eat a meal with her as any normal couple did? To kiss her without fear of the vampire emerging, perhaps even daring more....

He would know soon enough. Today was her birthday. And unlike two years ago, this time, he had not forgotten. He'd bought her a gift, and, if she accepted his invitation, he would take her out on the town tonight for a night she would never forget.

If she accepted his invitation.

He hadn't been able to bring himself to ask Schanke how things were faring between Natalie and his brother-in-law. But it had only been six weeks. How serious could it be?

"Pretty damn serious." Schanke seemed delighted. "I tell you Nick, I can't believe how well those two hit it off. I wouldn't be surprised if I had to dust off my tux for a wedding--"

Nick looked at him sharply. "Don't you think you're rushing things? It's only been six weeks!" He hoped Schanke couldn't hear the panic rising in his voice.

"All I know is, Zac's been riding on cloud nine. Ever since Natalie told him she loves him--forget it, the guy's totally whipped."

For the first time in centuries, Nick knew the sensation of food churning in his stomach. Luckily, he had already pulled in front of the Coroner's Office; if not, he surely would have stopped short and killed someone. He glared at Schanke, barely able to speak. "What did you say?"

"I said, that Natalie told him she loves him. Do you believe it? Our Natalie, in love--"

"I don't believe it," he snapped, not caring right now if his behavior seemed odd or not.

"Why not, Nick? She's a human being--"

And so is Zac, he thought to himself grimly. But no, it couldn't be. Either Schanke was mistaken, or this brother-in-law of his was guilty of some typical male bravado. Natalie wouldn't, she couldn't, become so quickly involved with someone, either physically or emotionally. He wouldn't believe it unless he saw it for himself.

He didn't want to believe it. For if he did, then what joy did mortality hold for him? What was he working for, if she were not the light at the end of his tunnel of darkness?

He found her in her office, finishing up some paperwork on her desk. She smiled as she saw him, though he could tell that she grew nervous as he approached. But as she saw the healthy flush in his face, her only expression was one of wonder.

"Nick--you look great! What have you been doing?"

"Oh, cooking...eating..."

She shook her head in disbelief. "And no more blood?"

"Not a drop," he said proudly, resting his hands on her shoulders. "And it's all thanks to you. You got me back on the wagon that night, Doctor. And I've been on it ever since."

Her smile was broad and genuine. She was so beautiful. And as she instinctively gave him a hug to congratulate him, he delighted in the sensation of having her in his arms, even for so brief a moment.

"Nick, I'm so happy for you," she said as she separated from him. "Things will be so much easier now. But I want to see if your blood makeup has changed at all. Let me take some samples--"

"Not now, Nat. Please, that's not the real reason I came here." He stepped closer to her. "I came to wish you a happy birthday." Boldly, he took her face in his hands, kissing her gently on the lips.

And as she returned his kiss, he thought, No, Schanke can't be right.

Her face flushed. "Thanks...for remembering," she said simply.

"And it's something else, too, you know."

Her expression was bittersweet. "I know."

"It's like an anniversary for us. Four years since we met, and since you've been trying to help me. And look, you *have* helped me. So I was hoping maybe you'd let me take you out for your birthday. Think, Nat, it would be the first time we went out to a restaurant where you didn't have to be the only one eating..."

She smiled at the thought, but there was regret in her eyes as she said, "I'm sorry, Nick. I can't."

He reached out for her hand. "Please, Nat. It's your birthday. A special occasion. Just dinner, that's all--"

She sighed deeply, as if things had suddenly become awkward for her. "Nick, I have other plans," she said finally.

His smile faded, and it was then that he saw what he had failed to notice in the excitement of seeing her--the large bouquet of red long-stemmed roses on the counter. And the realization hit him fast and hard that he had been deluding himself. It was all true, what Schanke had said. She had begun a new life. And if she could bear to see him now, hold a friendly conversation, it was because she had gone on with her life; it no longer pained her to see him. She no longer cared.

He could feel the blood rush to his face. He felt embarrassed now, awkward. He'd put all his hopes in rekindling a flame that for her was nothing more than the dead ashes of her past. He could feel tears rising to his throat as he said, "Well, maybe another time, then." He began to go, but turned back to her. "Do you...mind if I stop by tomorrow to bring your present?" He'd been hoping to give it to her that night.

Suddenly a barrier seemed to have fallen between them. Her eyes were filled with distress as she said, "Sure. And, uh, maybe I can do those samples?"

He nodded, then, trying to muster the last of his energy, said, "Have a nice birthday, Nat."

He left before she could respond.

Natalie slowly sank into her chair as she watched him leave. The hurt on his face had been unmistakable, and it tore at her heartstrings. He'd come to her so full of enthusiasm, with new life and vigor, wanting to share with her what they had done together, and wanting, she knew, for her to give him another chance.

And she'd wanted to. With every fiber of her existence she'd wanted to be with him, now, tonight...forever.

But she'd chosen her path. The safe one. The sensible one. The one she needed to choose, if she were ever to live a normal life. And it was about time, wasn't it? She'd turned thirty-two today. Time to think about real stability, the kind that only a faithful lover could bring. Nick might want her now, but how long until he grew frustrated once more, and sought comfort from Janette? She couldn't bear to hurt that much again.

She realized that she was shaking as the memories came cascading back. She wouldn't let them. There was too much more she needed. A future. Marriage. Children. Things Zac spoke of all the time, when she didn't silence him with a kiss because she was too frightened to hear them. She wouldn't be afraid anymore. Zac was what she needed. And she did love him in a way....

But as the memory of Nick's kiss came back to her, and even now the thrill rushed through her, she wondered if needing Zac, loving him "in a way" was enough....

He'd left the shift early. He couldn't think of work. He could think of nothing but Natalie, the taste of her lips, the warmth of her body in his arms for that brief embrace....

And the red roses. The plans with someone else. Schanke's words, that she had told Zac she loved him....

It was too much to bear. He'd done all he could to prove himself to her, to bring himself to a point where he could give her, at least to some degree, the kind of relationship she needed. He'd brought himself as close to humanity as he could without a cure, closer than he'd been ever....

....and now it didn't matter. He'd wronged her, and she'd turned to another. And now, it was too late to turn back the clock. And what was there left for him to work for now, if he couldn't be with her?

She's in love with him.

The thought enraged him. And yet something inside screamed at him. Not Natalie. She couldn't stop loving me so easily. She has to still feel something...

In anger, he opened the refrigerator, as if he could will the blood to be there. But it had been long gone, and he slammed the door shut in frustration. He needed something. He would go insane.

The thought struck him to go to The Raven. There he could drown his sorrows in blood until he lost every bit of humanity he had striven so hard to attain. But Janette would be there. And that was one bit of backsliding he wouldn't even chance.

Besides, if he did drink blood, all his progress would be obliterated, and along with it any of Natalie's respect that he might have regained today.

No, he couldn't give up hope. She hadn't told him that she loved someone else, had she? She hadn't said that she wanted him out of her life completely. On the contrary, she'd returned his kiss, smiled at him as she hadn't in weeks, said he could come back tomorrow...

He wouldn't lose faith. This phase with Zac was a transient thing, a reaction to how he'd hurt her, a rebound relationship. When she tired of it, Nick would be there, waiting, recovering, preparing himself to be with her. He'd just have to be patient.

But as the hours passed, his patience began to wear thin. What if Schanke were right?

Midnight. She would be home now. Perhaps he could go see her...

Dinner had been exquisite. He'd taken her to Azure, one of the most elegant restaurants in town. They sat now over a scrumptious dessert, and Zac surprised her when he asked the waiter to bring their finest champagne.

"To you, Nat. The most beautiful, incredible woman I've ever known."

She blushed at his compliment, already light-headed from the wine they'd shared over dinner. She lifted her glass to her lips, and took a sip....

...And suddenly, as the taste and aroma of the champagne hit her all at once, the room began to spin about her. And somewhere, in the depths of her mind, a memory danced at the brink of her conscious thought. She'd been here before. And drunk this champagne....But who was the man across from her? And where was Nick? He was supposed to be there....

"Nat, are you okay?"

It was Zac. She shook her head to clear it. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I just got a little light-headed."

He rose from his chair. "Maybe I'd better get you home."

"Yeah, I think I need some air." She let him help her from her seat, grateful for the support. But as wrapped his arms about her from behind, then went to kiss her lightly on her bare neck, his touch sent another shock wave of memory through her. Nick, behind her like this, grazing her neck with his teeth. Rough. Hurting her. Then kissing her deeply, desperately, until she couldn't breathe....He's doing this to save me. He'll kill me rather than let him hurt me.... But who, who wanted to hurt her?!

Zac turned her around so that he could face her, holding her up by the arms. "Natalie, please, talk to me. What's the matter? You almost passed out...."

"I...don't know," she said, visibly shaken. But she knew it was this place. She had to get out. "Please Zac, let's get out of here. I need air..."

He dropped two hundred dollar bills on the table, motioning to the waiter as he led her from the restaurant. And as the cool night air brushed against her face, she knew that the episode, whatever it had been, was over.

But the emotions remained. The fear. The terror. The desire for Nick to take her into his arms and explain it all to her, rescue her from whatever it was....

"I'm okay, now," she assured him, seeing the worry in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin dinner..." she began. How could she ever explain to him what had just happened? She didn't even know herself.

But the fact that she seemed all right was all that mattered to him. He slipped an arm around her as they walked to the car.

And unseen, her blond voyeur watched, amused as ever.

Nick stood outside her house, wondering at the fact that no lights were on. Was she asleep? But moments later, as a red sports car arrived, his heart fell. She was still with him.

His jealousy raged as the stranger took a long moment to kiss her deeply on the mouth, and Natalie whispered something in his ear. And as they walked arm and arm into her building, he wished with all his heart that he hadn't come.

But now that he was here, he had to know.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, as she fell down on the couch, and into his waiting arms.

"I'm fine," she assured him, kissing him. Her energy was back, and the light had returned to her eyes. "And thank you for a wonderful birthday. I had a great time."

He picked up her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. "Do you like your present?" he asked, gesturing to the gold and diamond heart ring.

"I love it."

"You know, I wanted to get you just a plain diamond...but I was afraid you might think I was rushing things..." There was a twinkle in his eye as he said, "If you want, we can go shopping tomorrow and you can pick your own out..."

Natalie smiled, still finding his willingness, his anxiousness, to commit, extraordinary. Part of her wanted to take him up on his offer. But it was a step she just wasn't ready to make. Not while thoughts of Nick still haunted her every waking moment. "Zac, it's too soon--"

He silenced her with a kiss. "I know. You can't blame me, though. Nat, you don't know how badly I want to be with you..." And as he brought his lips to hers this time, his kiss was hungry, urgent....

There was so much love coming from him. How Nat wanted to lose herself in him! To forget about Nick, and the past, and the love and anguish that had become so intertwined... To end once and for all the loneliness, the frustration that Nick could never alleviate, to give in to the hunger that had gone on and on, never being assuaged, for so very long....

She'd stopped him so many times before. But now, as his hands caressed her, wanting so desperately to explore her, she knew that the time had come to break with the past forever.

"I want you, Nat," he whispered in he ear.

"Then take me," she said softly.

He looked in her eyes to see if she was certain.

"Yes," she said aloud to his silent question.

He took her hand, lifting her up, and leading her to the bedroom.

Nick's eyes burned deep scarlet as his rage threatened to strip him of all control. With a morbid curiosity he floated transfixed before her bedroom window, watching as the stranger slowly undressed her.

For so long Nick had wanted her! To watch as another man caressed her, their bodies melding in the darkness, was more than he could bear. And as he subjected himself to this torture, it occurred to him that he could easily kill this man for daring to touch her.

"Do it, then," another voice challenged.

He turned in anger to see LaCroix beside him, watching him, reading his thoughts. He'd caught Nick in this despicable act of voyeurism, and was obviously thrilled to see that his pupil had sunk to his own depths.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Nick growled at him, aware only then that his fangs had protruded.

"Why, I wouldn't miss this for the world. To think, Nicholas, you've finally come back to your senses." His amused grin gave way to an evil snarl as he urged, "Do it, and be done with it. Kill him, and take her for yourself as you should have in the first place!"

"No," Nick replied quietly, glowering at him.

"So instead you'll torment yourself like this, watching this weak mortal take what is yours?"

"She's not mine. You saw to that," he hissed.

"No, Nicholas, you saw to that when you went back to Janette. Because you know that the only physical pleasure we can have is with our own kind. Make her one of us, Nicholas, and you can spend eternity making love to her if you wish."

"I won't do that to her!"

"Then make love to her once, and let her die in the ecstasy of your embrace. But don't continue to stand idly by and let this mortal man make a fool of you."

He turned from LaCroix to look back to the window, his desire for her almost equal now to his anguish. And he knew now just why LaCroix had let Natalie live. To use her as a tool, a means to bring Nick back to the fold. For LaCroix had known it would come to this. His love and desire for her, and his frustration at not being able to have her, would lead him to make the final decision: to love her and risk killing her; to bring her over to be with her; or to leave her completely. He'd been forced into the latter. But the other two options were totally unacceptable to him. There was no choice.

"See how he touches her, Nicholas..." LaCroix goaded him. "See how she seems to enjoy it..."

And suddenly Nick was repulsed. He could not permit this. His spying on Natalie had been inexcusable. But to allow LaCroix to watch her like this, to invade her privacy, to mock her intimacy....

Suddenly, his hands were around LaCroix's throat, as he dragged him through the air and away from the window. LaCroix did not struggle. He'd obviously wanted nothing more than to get a reaction from Nick. That he had done.

"Stay away from her or I'll kill you!" Nick threatened, as he threw him to the ground. And he knew that he could do it, or would be prepared to die in the effort. For Natalie, he would kill LaCroix in a heartbeat.

"Oh, I'll stay away from her," LaCroix told him as he brushed himself off. "The question is, can you?"

And he was gone.

With one last glance at the darkened window, Nick too flew into the night.

Natalie lay awake in the darkness, wishing she could escape into the refuge of sleep. Her back was to Zac, who, passion spent, held her tightly in his peaceful slumber, his naked body molded against hers. She couldn't face him. For at a time when she should have felt nothing but joy and completeness, she was filled only with remorse.

This had been such a mistake! How had she ever imagined that making love with Zac could erase her past, and obliterate her love for Nick? It had been a desperate move, which had served only to reaffirm her grim realization that nothing, no one, would ever free her of her love for him.

Even Zac, whom she did love in a way, for his sweetness, his kindness to her, for treating her as she knew she wanted to be treated.... He had been so gentle and loving, taking as much delight in her pleasure as in his own. She knew from her limited experience, as well as talk with friends, that as a lover he was exceptional. Yet she'd known as soon as they'd begun, that something was missing. And though it filled her with guilt, she'd found herself imagining that it was Nick who was touching her, pleasing her, holding her in his passionate embrace. Yet after the release of her sexual tension, the reality of her situation came crashing down upon her. This wasn't Nick, and never would be. But to be with Zac in body, and Nick in spirit, was wrong. It wasn't fair to herself, to Nick, and most especially, to Zac.

Under the covers, Zac pulled her closer. And on her pillow, she cried silent tears until finally, thankfully, they carried her into the nothingness of sleep.

She awoke to the sunlight streaming through the windows, and slipped out of bed quietly, trying not to awaken him. She didn't want to be there when he woke. She was afraid he might want to make love again, and that was something she didn't really want to deal with.

She slipped on a robe and went to feed Sydney, who had stayed in the living room all night, put off by the fact that someone was in bed with Natalie. She played with him a while before going back into the bedroom.

Zac was still asleep, and she studied his face for a long moment. He was so handsome, and more importantly, so good, to her, and for her. He'd treated her better than any man ever had, most especially including Nick. It angered her that she couldn't love him as desperately as she did Nick. In time? Perhaps. But she feared that if it weren't there now, it would never be.

She went into the bathroom to freshen up, when suddenly she heard him rise from the bed. In a few moments, she saw the reflection of his smiling face in the mirror as he wrapped his arms around her from the back, kissing her on the neck. "Good morning, beautiful," he whispered in her ear.

She turned to face him, glad when he pulled her into a warm hug. Burying her face in his chest, she could hide her pain from him for a few more moments. She couldn't possibly tell him how she felt. She couldn't hurt him like that. Was it better just to go on, pretending to be happy, hoping that some day she would be? She wished she knew the answers....

But as he brought her face up to his to kiss her, she knew that he could see something was wrong. Damn it! I don't want to hurt him! Don't let this come to a head now! "What is it, Nat?" he asked with concern. "I hope you don't regret last night--"

"No," she said, perhaps too quickly. "Things have just gone a little fast--"

His hazel eyes were so full of love for her as he said, "Don't be afraid that I'm going to hurt you. I swear I won't. I love you, Natalie."

The sad part was that she believed him. If only she could believe that she wouldn't hurt him....

He kissed her deeply, then said, "I really wish I didn't have to go to work today, but I do. Can I come over tonight? Take you out to a movie? Or dinner?"

"I'm not sure when I'll be done. Why don't you just call me when you get home?" She tried to sound casual, even enthusiastic about seeing him again. But she knew even now it was something she wasn't up to.

But her attempts to seem normal had paid off, and when Zac had dressed and gone, she was sure that he thought everything was wonderful between them.

She would give anything for that to be true.

Natalie peeled off the rubber gloves one by one, throwing them in with the hazardous waste. This autopsy had been a difficult one--a little girl brutally raped and murdered. Thoughts of her dead god-daughter Cynthia still haunted her, and the small lifeless form before her had brought the pain flooding back. Why was there so much evil and misery in the world?

Compared to the tragedy that had befallen this little girl, and the suffering her family would be forced to endure, Natalie's own problems seemed so trivial. She was almost ashamed for having let them so disrupt her life. Yet there was no comfort in the pain of others. Only the escape that her work provided, as more important matters in the world kept her from thinking of herself, of Nick and of Zac.

She glanced at her watch, and began to panic as she realized that her shift had been over fifteen minutes ago. She didn't want to go home. There, she would only think of last night, and the mistake she had made. And there, there was always the probability that Zac would call, or stop by. She didn't want to deal with that right now. She didn't have the strength.

Grace walked in, clipboard in hand, breaking her reverie. "Natalie, you got some calls while you were working..."

She'd had them transferred to Grace's desk, on the pretense of not wanting to be disturbed. But in truth, she'd done it to avoid speaking to Zac.

It was mean, she knew. And if she avoided seeing him tonight, she'd only cause him concern that he had done something wrong. And he hadn't. It was she who had wronged him, using him in an attempt to forget about Nick. A failed attempt, she might add. And now, if she didn't want to see him it was for two very real reasons.

She was ashamed of what she had done.

And she wasn't quite sure what to do next.

"Zac called twice," Grace told her, with a mischievous smile on her face. "He really seemed anxious to talk to you..."

"I'll call him later," she mumbled, letting her hair loose. She pulled off her lab coat. "Who else?"

Grace looked at her strangely, surprised by her lack of enthusiasm. "The other was Captain Cohen. She wants the results on the Foster girl as soon as possible. She's sending someone over to pick them up."

Relief. She could stay at work. Then an awful thought struck her. "Oh, no, tell me it's not Nick."

Grace gave her a helpless look. "I couldn't exactly specify who they should send."

Natalie responded with a weak smile. "I know. I just can't deal with him right now."

"Natalie, what's going on? That gorgeous hunk lawyer of yours seems crazy about you. Why are you still even thinking about Nick?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about him," she admitted painfully.

Grace was about to reply when the man in question came through the door. He seemed hesitant, almost nervous, as he stood waiting for her to notice him. And his face seemed drawn as if he hadn't slept all day. Only when Natalie said a cautious hello did he approach her.

Grace mouthed, "I'll wait for you," as she left them alone.

Natalie tried to appear at ease. But she was a terrible liar, and feared besides that the guilt over what she had done was written all over her face. She owed him nothing, and he had treated her horribly. Yet because she loved him, she felt as if she had betrayed him. She found it an effort to look him in the eye.

"I came for the reports on the Foster girl," he said in a low voice.

"It's pretty awful," she said as she handed it to him, mostly for something to say. "And it reminds me a little too much of--"

"I know," he said, looking into her eyes for the first time. His own reflected his sympathy. He'd obviously thought of Cynthia as well. There was an awkward pause, before he reached into his breast pocket to produce a small box wrapped in gold paper, tied with an elegant bow. A card was attached. "Look, Nat, I also came by to give you this. But please, don't open it until I'm gone."

"Okay," she said, a little intrigued. She reached to give him a kiss on the cheek. She lingered just a second too long, she knew. "Thank you."

"So, uh, did you have a good birthday?" he asked, trying to seem casual despite some obvious distress.

"Uh, yeah," she responded, a little startled by the question. "It was nice. We went to dinner at Azure."

She thought she saw him raise his eyebrow just slightly, and again she remembered the strange sensation she had felt there. Was there something he knew...?

"What about after dinner?" he asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"What?" she asked, a little dazed, and not quite sure what he meant.

Only then did she notice that his face had grown taut with an anger that seemed to be welling within him. He repeated, in even tones, "I asked what you did after dinner."

"I went home," she replied.

"Oh, I see." He paused, as if considering her words, weighing their truth. "And I suppose it was lonely spending the night at home alone," he said boldly, his bitter tone bordering on accusation.

And at once the realization hit her. The hurt in his voice, the silent jealous rage in his eyes...

He knew.

Her face turned crimson, her embarrassment and fury so great that she could barely speak. "You...were there?! All the time?"

For a moment he couldn't answer. He hadn't meant to be so obvious, but his nerves were clearly as frayed as her own. "I went over to talk to you," he stammered.

"And when you saw I wasn't alone, you just decided to perch outside my bedroom window and spy on me?!" she nearly yelled at him, restraining herself only for the sake of those in the building who might hear her.

Through his pain, his eyes took on a real regret. "It's not that simple, Nat. I didn't mean to. I suppose I just had to see for myself...convince myself that things were really over between us."

"Oh, they are," she assured him, venom in her voice. "They are."

He reached out to her helplessly, seeming to have taken on an air of utter defeat. "Natalie..."

She stayed out of his grasp. "I can't believe you did this..." she whispered, measuring each word. She was mortified nearly to tears. To think that he had watched her as she'd made love with Zac....And her guilt and anger with herself over what she had done was intensified by her utter humiliation. "I hate you," she told him, backing away from him, on the verge of hysteria. "I hate you for ruining my life like this...for interfering...for not letting me even try to be happy!"

"Natalie, I want you to be happy. I'm sorry for invading your privacy, and I swear, I'll never do it again--"

"Don't you see, it doesn't even matter?" she cried. "Whether you were physically there or not, you were there in here,"--she pointed to her head--"and here." Her hand rested over her heart as if there were an intense pain there that she knew would never go away. She hadn't meant to tell him all this, but she was completely abashed. And as she imagined him there, watching her as she shared intimacy with Zac that she and Nick had only dreamed of together, she felt her nerves about to break. She turned away from him, unable to face him.

"Natalie," he pleaded softly, his hand on her shoulder.

She shook it off. "Leave me alone. And don't ever come near me again! I hate you for doing this to me, and I wish I'd never met you!"

She didn't need to look at him to know what her words were doing to him. But she was too consumed by anger and shame to be care about his feelings…

"All right then. I...I won't...bother you any more." He paused, as if hoping for a response. She would give him none. "Good bye, Natalie," he said, his voice cracked with emotion. "I'm truly sorry." She heard him walk towards the door, then stop. "Nat?"

"What?" she snapped, keeping her back to him.

"I just want you to know...I wrote that card last night--but I bought the present before...before I knew."

She wanted to tell him to take it, that she didn't want it. But she was so overwhelmed by her own anguish that she couldn't find the words. She merely nodded, then listened as she heard him leave.

She swung around to face the door. What arrogance, what audacity! She didn't know which she felt more intensely--her fury that he had dared intrude on her privacy, or humiliation that he had watched her in her intimacy with Zac.

She felt as if she would go mad.

Grace entered slowly, cautiously. But her face filled with concern as she came to Natalie's side. "What is it? What happened?"

"My life is a mess, that's what's happened," she said, her voice trembling. "Oh God, Grace, you can't imagine..." Her voice trailed off. She was thoroughly drained.

"Do you know what you need?" her friend said kindly.

"A stiff drink?" she asked wryly.

But Grace just nodded. "Exactly."

It had been a long time since Natalie had had a good strong Absolut and tonic, and as she sat with Grace in MacDougal's, sipping her third, she knew she was quickly making up for it. The crowd had begun to thin out, but the music was still blaring, and the bartender was a handsome young kid only too happy to give her extra slices of lime. Natalie had almost forgotten the soothing effect of vodka, the peaceful buzz that calmed her, taking the urgency out of life. A little voice in the back of her head warned her to be careful--too much and the depressant quality of the alcohol would kick in...and she might begin to cry. She'd been doing too much of that lately.

"Okay, now why don't you start from the beginning," Grace said.

The music was loud enough to make Natalie sway on her barstool to the beat, while still allowing them to talk. She was glad Grace had convinced her to come out. She'd needed a friend to talk to. And without Nick, Grace was, right now, probably her closest friend in Toronto.

There'd been a time when a girls' night out like this had been common. Before Nick had come into her life, Natalie had always made time to relax with friends. She loved to dance, and while not a big drinker, an occasional buzz had always been fun. But since the day she'd met Nick, she'd slowly begun to spend most of her free time with him. And while that had been what she'd wanted (and what she'd still be doing now if that horrible night had never occurred), she'd felt from time to time that she'd neglected other aspects of her life.

Yes it was good to be out, and to finally pour out her troubles to someone...they'd been bottled up for far too long. But just how much could she tell Grace? She made a mental note not to drink any more until the conversation was over. She couldn't risk giving away Nick's secret....

Grace was talking to her.

"Huh?"

"I asked what happened with Zac."

Natalie smiled sheepishly the way she had when she'd told her best friend in college about her first sexual encounter.

"I thought so," Grace said with a smile.

"It happened last night," she began to explain.

"And how was it?"

Natalie's smiled turned sad. "It was...great. I mean, I'd needed to be with someone for so long...."

"And you and Nick never...?" She seemed almost surprised.

Natalie shook her head. "There were too many...problems in the way." How to explain how close they had gotten that night, when he'd first admitted his love...but had had to pull away in frustration as the vampire had begun to emerge.

"So what about Zac?" Grace asked, directing her back to the topic. "Do you love him?"

Natalie sighed "I don't know any more. I thought I did. I do in a way. Maybe...maybe I just needed to love him. I want to love him, because if I could, things would be perfect."

"He's a great guy. Handsome, sexy, rich, good job..."

"And nice," Natalie added, emphasizing its importance. "He's so good to me, Grace. No one has ever treated me better. I suppose that's why I want so desperately to love him. He's everything I ever wanted, but--"

"He's not Nick," Grace finished for her. "So what happened with Nick? Why did you and he break up? Because I tell you, girl, that man is in love with you."

She looked down. "I know. And I love him too, Grace. Maybe I needed to make love with someone else to realize that." Her tone became confidential, barely audible above the music as she said, "Grace, I did a terrible thing. When I was with Zac the only way I could really--let go--was to pretend that it was Nick." She raised her eyes. "Isn't that awful?"

Grace shook her head. "It's not awful, Natalie. But it should tell you something."

"I know, but--"

"Just what did he do to you to make you end it like that?"

She paused for a long moment. How could she possibly explain Janette, and Nick's relationship with her? "We...were having problems. There was a lot going on in his life. He was under a lot of stress. And he...." It was still difficult to think of, much less verbalize. "He was with his old girlfriend."

Grace's expression was grave. "That is serious, Natalie. I don't know how you didn't kill him. And her."

Natalie nodded. The wooden stake idea had run briefly through her mind. But she realized that giving Grace the incomplete picture was terribly unfair to Nick. It made it seem as if this had been a purely sexual act. But there was nothing she could do if she were to retain his secrecy.

"So, what did he say about it?" Grace prodded gently. "I mean, was he sorry? Do you think it was a one-time thing, or--"

"He said it was a mistake," she said, emphasizing the last word with a note of cynicism. "He swore it would never happen again, that he regretted it the moment it happened.... But Grace, how could I forgive him? He'd told me he loved me, and then...." Her voice trailed off. Again, there was so much she couldn't tell Grace.

"Natalie, do you trust him?"

Natalie looked at her in confusion. "How could I after--?"

Grace shook her head. "I mean to say, you've known him for three years. Do you trust him when he says it was a mistake? That he still loves you?"

She thought a moment, before answering, "Yeah. I know he still loves me. He's in a lot of pain right now."

Grace looked at her. "So what happened today? What did he do to get you so furious?"

She sighed deeply, the embarrassment rising once more in her eyes. "Grace, he followed me. He...saw me with Zac. He was outside my window watching while...."

Her friend was utterly shocked. "He's either crazy, or a masochist, or so totally in love with you--"

Natalie gave a half-smile. "Maybe a little of all three." Her smile faded. "I was furious with him...and humiliated...and yet I felt so awful because I could see how hurt he was..."

Grace shook her head. "Natalie, there's no denying that what he did was wrong. Loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship. But only you can judge if it's in your heart to forgive him."

"I...don't know. I didn't think so. I know he's bad for me. But sometimes I feel as if I'll never be happy again unless I can be with him."

"Is he really that bad for you?"

Again, that gap in knowledge she couldn't reveal. "I don't know. I thought any problems we might have could be worked out."

"Anything can be worked out if the two people really love each other, and want to work at it."

Natalie didn't disagree.

"Do you believe him when he says he would never do it again? Is he really sorry?"

She nodded. She did believe him. To see the suffering in his eyes, she knew that his remorse ran as deep as his tortured soul.

"Natalie, everyone makes mistakes."

"I know, but--"

"Didn't you?" she asked with meaning.

And it hit her at once that she had done with Zac precisely what Nick had done with Janette. She had tried to drown her frustrations in someone who offered love and comfort. True, what Nick had done was far worse. He had drunk blood, and betrayed her at a time when he had promised commitment. She had betrayed no promises. And yet, she felt she almost understood Nick's weakness, his desire for comfort...and his utter regret.

"Oh, Grace, what should I do? Should I just leave well enough alone? Hope that in time I forget him? Try to build a life with Zac?"

"Natalie, how can you build a life with Zac when you're in love with someone else? It's not fair to you, to Nick, and it's sure as hell not fair to Zac. Nick made a mistake. And he's paid for it. Come on, Nat, he's human isn't he?"

At this she gave a weak smile. "Yeah, I guess he is."

"Then go to him. Tell him you still love him."

She turned away in shame, looking off into the distance. "I was so cruel to him. I told him...I hated him. I was just so angry..." Natalie met her friend's eyes, her own filled with a glimmer of hope. "Do you think he can forgive me for that, Grace?"

Grace smiled, satisfied that she'd gotten through to her. "You never know until you try."

Natalie nodded. She would try. She had to.

Natalie paid the check, took her leave of Grace, and drove to Nick's loft. For the first time in three months she felt as if true happiness weren't so far from her grasp. She sighed with relief to find the door code the same, and hurried up the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator.

"Nick?"

Silence greeted her. She glanced at her watch. It was almost two a.m. She'd wait until he got home....

Yet as she sat on the couch, a strange sensation assaulted her. As if something were suddenly different....

The room seemed somehow...empty.

She scanned the living room quickly. What was missing? The pictures on the bookshelf, Erica's porcelain doll, the wooden box with St. Joan's holy cross....

All the things that truly meant something to him.

In panic, she grabbed the phone, dialing the precinct. "Schanke, this is Nat. Do you know where Nick is?"

Schanke hesitated a moment. "You don't know, do you?" he asked slowly, as if still incredulous himself.

"What? What's happened to him?" she cried, panic setting in.

"He's gone, Nat. He just picked up and left town. He put in his resignation today, came by my house to say good bye...and that was it. Do you have any idea what the hell happened?"

But Natalie was too stunned to speak.

When Natalie had found her voice, she'd shakily asked Schanke if Nick had given any indication as to where he'd gone.

He hadn't.

She didn't remember if she'd said good bye before dropping the phone to the floor.

For a long moment, she sat staring at nothing. Her mind was racing, yet her senses were too dulled to react.

Nick was gone.

She'd always looked to this moment with dread. She'd imagined what might happen far down the line, if they didn't find a cure. The day would come when he'd have to move on to another life. And what would she do? Try to stop him? Leave with him?

But she'd never dreamed it would be like this. And none of the possibilities she'd imagined were even options. He'd left without saying good bye. And she knew that she had pushed him to it.

Yet, he had come to say good bye, hadn't he? And she, unknowing, had reacted with anger, hatred. Those would be his last memories of her.

"No, Nick, I won't let you do this!" she said aloud. And it was then that she remembered the package she'd left on her desk. The card. Maybe he'd left some clue in the card....

She found her office dark, and flipped on the light as she nearly ran to snatch up the tiny gold package. She tore open the envelope to reveal a beautiful pink birthday card, designed with hearts and lace. As she opened it, a letter fell from the inside, where he'd simply signed, "Love, Nick." With trembling hands, she unfolded the letter and began to read.

"Dear Natalie,

"As I write this, I know it will be my last opportunity to tell you all that I want to say. I've decided that my life in Toronto is over. It's time to move on. And while this is a difficult decision, I know in my heart, that it's for the best.

"I still find it hard to believe that all the happiness that we seemed to find on Valentine's Day has been destroyed. But I know I have only myself to blame. I just want you to know that I love you at this moment just as much as I did that night. My love for you has never wavered, and never will. It's my judgement that's been poor, and my weakness which has caused us both so much pain.

"If only you could understand the evil which drew a wedge between us even that night. For your own safety, I still can't reveal it all to you. Suffice to say, that to let our love progress openly would have put you in great danger. It was something I couldn't risk. So to protect you, and to keep my own emotions in check, I distanced myself from you. I realize now that there were so many other avenues I could have followed. But I was desperate, and frustrated, and terrified of losing you. And perhaps it was this frustration, as well as the defeat I felt over the failure of the mortality drug, that led me to Janette. Everything I wanted--mortality, even loving you--seemed out of reach. I knew it was a mistake the moment it happened. I probably knew it as I was betraying you. But my weakness was as great as my hunger. And I will never forgive myself for hurting you if I live a thousand years.

"That's why I can't blame you for not forgiving me, although I admit that until tonight I actually dared dream that we might have a chance. But tonight, I did the unspeakable. And I was punished a thousand-fold.

"I watched you, Nat. I came to speak to you, and when I saw you with him, a jealousy raged within me as I've never known. I didn't want to see him touch you, hold you as I never could--and yet I stood by and watched, until I could watch no more. And I realized two things:

"The first, is that you have found love with someone else. And I truly do want you to be happy, Natalie. I only hope that with this man you will have all the happiness that I could never give you, though I wish with whatever soul I have left that I could have.

"The second, is that I can't stand by and watch you fall in love with another man. I know this is selfish, and weak, and in eight hundred years I should have learned more maturity. But the pain is unbearable. When I saw him make love to you, I felt as if my insides would burst. And the image haunts me even as I write this.

"I know you must hate me now, for all that I have done. I just hope that you can believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you. No one has ever been more precious to me. I can never forget your friendship, your help, your faith in me when I had none. And I will always remember your beautiful eyes, the touch of your hair, the warmth of your lips, and the brief moments of love that we shared.

"I bought this present for you before...tonight. I hope you will accept it in that spirit. Please keep it to remember me by. And never forget that for the rest of your life, for the rest of mine, wherever life takes us both,

"I love you deeply,

"Nick"

When she finished reading, the tears were streaming down her cheeks. She took a deep breath before reaching for the package, opening it gingerly....

She gasped. Inside was a beautiful gold heart, probably an inch in diameter, completely lined with diamonds. She held it between her fingers, turning it over to see the inscription:

"Forever Yours. I Love You. Nick."

She slipped the chain over her head, letting the gold heart fall between her breasts. She touched it lightly, holding it to her heart, as if in doing so she could make him hear her, as she whispered, "I'll find you, Nick. If I have to search for the rest of my life. I'll find you."

"Coffee or tea, sir?

Nick stared almost blankly at the young stewardess, as if trying to process what she had said. Finally it registered, and he replied, "Oh, tea, thank you." He looked down at the small tray she had placed in front of him on the pull-out table--a well-disguised piece of meat, probably chicken; mixed vegetables; a square plate filled with salad; two tiny broiled potatoes; a triangular piece of cheese; packets of butter, salt and pepper; and real stainless steel utensils neatly packaged in a plastic wrapper.

Airplane food. All in all, a true test of his newly developed digestive abilities.

The truth was, he wasn't very hungry, and hadn't been in the last twenty-four hours, ever since he'd spied on Natalie through her bedroom window.

The image flashed through his mind once more, and the knot in his stomach tightened. Natalie, his Natalie, in the throes of passion with another man. He'd stared in dumb amazement, too transfixed with horror to turn away. And later, as he'd made his way back to his loft, he hadn't been able to rid himself of the vision he had witnessed. And as his jealousy had burned, so had his own desire for her. How long had he fantasized what it would be like to make love to her? And now, he would never know. And never again would he hold her, kiss her, and touch her as he had that one night....

What torture it had been to see her share intimacies with Zac that he would never know with her! Two realizations had come to him that night...

She would never be his again.

And he was too much of a coward to watch her fall in love with someone else.

Without Natalie, his life in Toronto had come to mean nothing. Why stay? Why torture himself by seeing her day after day, knowing that she was in love with someone else? Wouldn't it be simpler to move on, to another place, another life, where her presence wouldn't be a constant reminder of what they had had, and what they could have had if he hadn't destroyed her trust?

It was then that he'd made his decision. And within a half-hour he'd found himself in Aristotle's office.

"Is it that time again, Nick?"

This time he'd replied, "Yeah. Time to move on."

Aristotle had rattled off a few suggestions, with the pros and cons of each. But Nick had interrupted him.

"It doesn't matter. I just have to get away as soon as possible--by tomorrow night, if you can swing it."

"Well, I don't have to tell you how much that'll cost--"

"And I don't have to tell you that money's no object," he'd replied sourly.

Aristotle had raised his eyebrow at Nick's urgency, but there was little he couldn't do. Quickly, he'd scanned through his computer system until he'd found the place to meet Nick's needs. They'd discussed specifics--career choice, name, background, credentials--and within an hour it was done.

"I'll pick you up at your place at nine," Aristotle had instructed him. "I've got you on a ten-thirty flight. There's even dinner." He'd cracked a smile. "Just as well you don't eat; they say plane food is worse than cow's blood."

Nick hadn't responded, seemingly deep in thought. Aristotle had looked at him curiously.

"You in some kind of trouble?"

Nick had shook his head. "Just--personal problems." He'd looked into his friend's eyes. "Aristotle, I need to ask you a favor. There's a woman...Dr. Natalie Lambert. If ever she's looking for me, or in trouble...I want you to tell her how to find me."

Aristotle had been adamant. "You know the rules, Nick. Nobody finds out where you are. That's the only way it works."

They'd argued it back and forth, but Aristotle had been resolute in his stand.

Now, as Nick looked out at the blackness of the night, he cursed himself for not pushing Aristotle further. He was certain LaCroix would try to find him. But what if he decided to toy with Natalie first?

He tried to push the idea from his mind. LaCroix had no reason to bother Natalie anymore. It wasn't as if he could use her to get to Nick. LaCroix had seen with his own eyes that she had moved on with her life. No, he wouldn't have any cause to go near her.

But Nick was glad he wouldn't be far away, nevertheless.

The chicken was awful, if it was even chicken. He pushed the tray away from him, closing his eyes. Soon he'd be away. But would he ever really forget? As he dozed, the events of tonight wove themselves even into his dreams...

*He'd needed to go to her, one last time. See her face, hear her voice. He hadn't wanted his last memory of her to be the one he had spied last night... Besides, he had to give her the gold diamond heart, even if he had bought it when he'd still thought they had a chance. He'd chosen it with love, and he wanted her to remember that love someday when she could see through the pain he'd caused her.

And his letter was to say good bye, something he could not bring himself to do in person.

He hadn't wanted to let his own bitterness show. But his jealousy overpowered him. And before he knew it, she guessed the awful truth, that he had been there, watching....

It tore at his heart to see the humiliation on her face, to hear the anger in her voice.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be....

"I hate you..."

He didn't blame her. Yet her words pierced his heart like a wooden stake....

He left her office feeling as though he could scarcely breathe. How could he have so completely destroyed her love for him, driving her to such bitter hatred?

*I truly am evil. To poison a heart as pure as hers...*

And yet, for all he had done to her, he wished that she could truly despise him. For only that would free her to find her happiness. Her love for him had become a burden, a cross to bear. The knowledge that he had caused her so much pain, that his memory tortured her still, was more than he could stand.

He'd decided to leave for his own sanity. But now he knew that it was the best thing for her, too. And her happiness was infinitely more important to him right now.

It was eight o'clock. He'd spent the day packing his most precious possessions, the ones he would not leave behind. He took one last look to make sure he'd forgotten nothing, then hurried down to his Caddy. This would be his last ride.

He was glad Schanke was home. This wasn't something he'd wanted to do at the Precinct.

But the look on Schanke's face as he came to the door told Nick that the news had already reached him. Schanke's eyes were filled with a mixture of confusion and concern as he said, "What the hell is going on, Nick? I call the Precinct to check on the Foster case, and they tell me that you've resigned? When were you planning on telling your partner?"

"That's why I came here, Don." Somehow, using his friend's first name seemed more appropriate at a time like this.

Schanke beckoned him inside, but Nick went no further than the hallway. "I can't stay long," he explained. "I'm catching a plane tonight. I just came by to say good bye."

Schanke shook his head in disbelief. "What the hell happened to you? You look like shit."

Nick didn't doubt it. "I haven't been completely honest with you, Schank." In so many ways, he thought to himself. But only one was pertinent now. "About Natalie. There was something between us. And it ended a couple of months ago, because I did something that really hurt her...."

"Which was?" Schanke wouldn't let him off the hook.

Nick lowered his eyes. "I was with Janette."

"Man, oh, man. And I thought I was joking when I used to say that you kept going back and forth between the two of them...."

Nick looked at him sharply. "I wasn't," he clarified. "Janette and I were lovers a long time ago. These past few years, it really has just been friends. What happened that night was--I don't know. An isolated incident."

"What about Nat?" Schanke asked, taking it all in, remaining non-judgmental.

"I've loved her for a long time," he said. "But we never really admitted it until Valentine's day."

Schanke nodded knowingly. "I thought there was something up then."

"Yeah, well, we had some problems after that. I was frustrated over our relationship, over a lot of things---and Janette was there." He hadn't thought it would be so easy to confide this in Schanke. But at the moment when he was preparing to leave, he realized that Schanke had always been his friend--and there was a real comfort in having someone to talk to. Perhaps he should have tried it sooner.

"Nick, look, you screwed up with Nat. But why didn't you tell me this before--"

"Before you introduced her to someone else?" he finished.

"Yeah. I mean, you don't know how bad I feel about this now."

Nick shook his head. "Don't, Schank. Natalie told me she didn't want to have anything to do with me before Zac was even in the picture. There was never any chance."

Schanke sighed. "I know how you feel. But Nick, is it any reason to leave town? To leave your job, your friends? You're hurting now, but you'll get over it...."

"I have to go, Don. I can't stand by and watch her fall in love with someone else. Maybe that makes me weak, or a coward...but I have to start a new life."

Schanke was silent for a long moment. Finally he asked, "Where will you go? You've still got a life here."

"I'm not sure," he lied. "But I'm through with here and now. I need to...bury myself in my past." He couldn't explain more than that. He took a deep breath. "I gotta go, Schank."

He extended his hand, and Schanke took it, shaking it firmly. "Good bye, Partner. And good luck. You just better make sure you call when you have an address, huh?"

He would miss Schanke, he realized as he drove away from his bewildered partner's home. He'd have to write. It was a friendship he wanted to maintain.

But there was another friendship he could not ignore. And as he pulled up outside the Raven, he prepared for an awkward task...

He had to say goodbye to Janette....

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be beginning our descent in ten minutes. We ask you now to please take your seats and fasten your seat belts..."

The announcement roused him from his slumber long enough to snap his seat belt into place. Ten minutes. Such a short time before his new life would begin. But could he ever escape from his past? Had he ever been able to before?

*"Nicolas...so I see you've finally come to your senses..."

Janette had met him with a smile and a brush of her lips against his. He dared not let it linger. With all that had happened, he still felt guilty being here. This was where it had all begun.

Her face grew serious as she read his expression. "What is it?"

"I've come to say good bye," he told her emotionlessly.

She breathed deeply, trying to contain her emotions. "I...heard what happened. I'm sorry, I know how hurt you must feel."

It didn't surprise him that LaCroix had told her. But it irked him nonetheless that she should know. He merely replied, "It doesn't matter. That's all past now. I need to get on with my life. I just thought I owed it to you to let you know that I was moving on."

Janette placed a restraining hand on his arm. "Wait, Nicolas, think about what you're doing..."

"I have," he said, looking into her eyes. "I've destroyed the life I had here. It means nothing to me now."

"All because of this mortal woman?" she asked, almost in disbelief.

Nick didn't answer. It annoyed him that Janette hadn't even had the respect to speak of Natalie by name. He forced himself to remember that she rarely appreciated the uniqueness of individual human beings. They were all the same to her.

Her hand went up to his cheek affectionately. "My poor Nicolas. I told you that you would only get hurt if you let yourself care about them."

He knew her well enough to know that she wasn't mocking him. Her compassion was sincere. He placed his hand gently over hers. "This is my doing, Janette. And I'm paying the price."

"Nick, you did nothing wrong--" she began.

He shook his head sadly as he took her hand from his face, holding it between his own. "Yes, I did. You know that." He paused a moment, knowing his next words would be as difficult for her to hear, as for him to voice. "Janette, there's something I need to tell you, too. I didn't just wrong Natalie. I wronged you. I should never have been with you when I knew that I was in love with her..."

"Nick--"

"Would you let me finish?" he implored. His eyes gazed into hers, silencing her. "I'd made a decision to change my life. But then I was weak, and frustrated. And...I used you, Janette." He hesitated, as if expecting a response. But there was none, surprisingly. Only the regret on her face, for she knew it was true. He sighed deeply. "I didn't want to leave without saying I'm sorry."

He'd expected anger; indignant refusal to acknowledge that she even cared. But instead she reached up to kiss him deeply. This time, he did not push her away.

When they had separated, her face still close to his, she whispered, "Nicolas, don't go. Why don't you stay here with me? I'm sorry about your Natalie, I truly am... But there are still people here who love you...."

"I know," he said, embracing her, and holding her in his arms for a long moment. "But I have to go. Maybe in time..."

She nodded as she stepped away from him. "I hope you find your happiness, mon amour," she said softly.

The sinking feeling in his stomach invaded his dream, waking him to the reality of the plane making its final descent.

Happiness. Why did such a simple thing seem so elusive?

He would miss Janette. But he knew that in time, he would see her again.

He wished he could say the same for Natalie. Where was she now? What was she doing? Is she with him?

He pushed thoughts of her from his mind. He could never forget her, he knew. But for his own sanity, he would have to try.

Natalie had gone to her apartment, taken care of Sydney, and packed some clothes. She'd listened breathlessly to her messages, praying that one would be from Nick. But all three had been from Zac, his voice filled with more concern each time. She knew that eventually he would come to see her. But she wasn't ready to face him right now. She needed to get away, to think clearly...

She entered the loft, allowing herself for the slightest moment to indulge in the fantasy that he might have returned. But the loft was empty. Undaunted, she set down her things, put on some coffee, and sat at his computer, using her own code to access the Police Department's on-line resources. She took a deep breath. "Okay. Planes. Planes leaving Toronto last night..."

Schanke yawned as Myra set the coffee, and breakfast of bacon and eggs in front of him. "Thanks, honey," he mumbled as he stirred in three sugars. He wasn't looking forward to this day. Cohen had already told him that by this morning she'd assign him a new partner.

New partner.

He'd lost partners before, gone through the awkward ritual of getting acquainted with someone new. But Nick's departure had been as strange as the man himself. It had been four days and Schanke still could make no sense of Knight's decision to leave town. He'd never so much as seen Nick display any open romantic interest in Natalie, or anyone else for that matter. To leave town because of a broken heart? It just didn't make sense. He'd thought he and Nick had been close; he'd considered him a good friend. Why hadn't Nick confided in him before? Perhaps if he had, there'd have been something Schanke could have done to help him, to stop him...

The door bell rang, and for an instant, Schanke hoped that it might be his former partner. He stood from the table as Myra went to answer. But it was Zac who came nearly storming into the kitchen. And Schanke's face turned pale as he realized that Myra's matchmaking had put him in the middle of a very uncomfortable situation.

Zac looked as if he hadn't slept in days. Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, the stubble on his face was at least two days old. His eyes and voice were nearly filled with panic as he said, "Donny, I need your help. Natalie's disappeared. I've been calling her for days...I went to her house at least ten times in the last 48 hours...and at work, they said she's taken an indefinite leave of absence! Now, do you know what the hell is going on?"

Schanke's mouth dropped open. He'd had no idea. He hadn't even spoke to Natalie since he'd told her that Nick had left town....

Oh, God. Not her too.

It was something he didn't even want to contemplate. Much less would he even think of voicing his suspicions to Zac. That was a can of worms he wouldn't open unless he were certain...

"I don't know, Zac. I haven't spoken to her in four days." That was true at least. Could Zac hear the hesitation in his voice?

Zac was clearly too distracted to notice Schanke faltering. He heaved a deep sigh as Myra gently pushed him into a chair.

"Do you want something to eat, Zac? You look terrible..." she fretted. She glanced at her husband. He'd told her about Nick, and clearly Myra was on the same train of thought as he was. Schanke gave her a warning look.

"No thanks, Myra," Zac replied. "God, I'm so worried about her--"

"Maybe it was a family emergency, or something," Schanke offered feebly. "I mean, if she actually called in to work, I'm sure she's okay..."

"Did anything happen between you two?" Myra asked, pulling up a chair beside her brother. "Did you have a fight, or--"

"No," he replied resolutely. "Everything was great, in fact--" He hesitated, then said, "Things had gotten very...close. I thought at first maybe she was afraid, you know, that things were going too fast. But my God, Myra, to just disappear like this..."

Schanke was silent as a worried Myra tried to calm her little brother. What could he possibly say anyway? That Natalie might have run off somewhere to be with his partner?

When Zac had gone, Myra came back to eye her husband angrily. "You know something, don't you?"

He shook his head. "No, honey, I have no idea. I swear. You know as much as I do. The last time I spoke to Natalie was when I told her Nick had left town."

"Do you think she went after him?" Myra was clearly agitated. She liked Natalie, but her concern for her brother was outweighing all else.

"I dunno--"

"Donny, how could you not have realized there was something going on between them? How could you have let my brother get involved--"

"Myra, I told you, I asked Nick, before I even invited Nat to come here and meet Zac. He said they were just friends. How was I supposed to know--"

"You see them everyday!" she yelled at him.

He was about to respond when he was saved by the ring of his cellular phone. He pulled it out. "Yeah, Schanke here."

The voice on the other end was weak, but unmistakable.

"Schank? It's me, Nat. I need your help..."

It had taken a long time to convince Myra not to tell Zac that Natalie had called. "Let me go over and talk to her first--find out what's going on," Schanke had told his wife. "I promise, as soon as I know anything, we'll tell him."

Reluctantly, Myra had agreed, and Schanke had set off at once for the loft.

The code was still unchanged, and as he made his way upstairs, he couldn't help but wonder why Nat would want to stay in a creepy place like this to begin with. She'd told him nothing--merely that she needed to talk to him. She'd sounded desperate.

Yet nothing had prepared him to find her in the state she was in. Dressed in sweats, with her curly hair pushed back from her face, she looked as if she hadn't slept in days. Her face was devoid of makeup and dark lines under her eyes told him that she'd probably been going like this non-stop since Nick had gone. But what was she doing?

"Are you all right?" he blurted before any other question that he had planned.

She looked up at him, a glimmer of hope in eyes that seemed filled with despair. "I'm okay. It's just that I'm getting nowhere." She motioned to the computer. "I've hooked up to every police station in North America, trying to find a newly hired detective that fits his description...but nothing! I even tried other names I thought he might use---"

"Wait, wait. Hold on a minute!" Schanke put his hands on her arms, frightened to see how frail she seemed as her body trembled from nerves. "Natalie, why the hell would he use another name? And how do you know he's gotten a job as a cop?"

"I don't," she admitted, her eyes filling with tears of frustration. "But Schank, I don't know what to do! I've looked everywhere for clues; I checked all the outgoing flights on the day he left, Air Canada, any other carrier that comes up here, buses, trains, car rentals..." She looked up at him in defeat, whispering, "Schank, I'm beginning to think I'll never find him..."

Schanke circled her in his arms for comfort, and she fell limply against him for a few moments, exhausted, vanquished, glad for the solace from a friend. "Nat," he said gently as she separated from him. "Maybe...maybe he doesn't want to be found."

"No" she said, shaking her head vigorously. "You don't understand. You don't know why he left--"

"I do," he told her awkwardly.

She paused for a moment, as if not sure how she felt about that. He could see the embarrassment cross her face, and he knew it was because of Zac.

"Don, I...didn't mean to hurt Zac," she said slowly. "I care about him--"

"You told him you loved him," Schanke reminded her, although he cursed himself silently afterward. Natalie was too distraught to be forced to deal with that issue as well. But she didn't seem to mind, as if she felt she owed him an explanation.

"I...thought I did," she told him. "I wanted to. I wanted to forget about Nick, and how I felt about him.... But I couldn't."

Schanke shook his head. "Man, oh man, Nat. This whole thing is such a mess...."

"I know." She sat down on the couch, crossing her legs Indian-style under her. "Schank, I need you to think. Did he say anything...give any clue...that might help us figure out where he went...what he was trying to do...?"

Schanke related as much of the conversation as he could remember, while Natalie listened intently. "He said...he was through with the here and now...that he was going to bury himself in his past."

He thought he saw an involuntary shudder pass through her, but when he asked if she knew what that meant, she said she had no idea. Yet she seemed so deep in thought...

"Natalie, is there anything else I can do for you? To help?" He was offering for her sake, as well as for Nick's. But he doubted very much that there was anything to be done at all. He just simply couldn't bring himself to tell her that it was hopeless.

"No," she said distractedly. "Thanks, I...I just wanted to know if there was anything he'd told you."

He paused a moment before turning to go. "Nat...what do I tell Zac? He's worried sick about you--"

Again, he knew he was only making this harder for her. But he owed something to Zac, too.

Her face was filled with remorse as she said, "Tell him I'm okay, and--I'll call him tonight. I promise."

Schanke nodded and left.

What the hell was he going to tell Myra?

Natalie had spent the day since Schanke's visit following up the last of her leads. Through the Internet, she'd been able to connect with police computers in all of the major European cities she thought Nick might have retreated to--London, Paris, Edinburgh, Dublin, Madrid. She'd checked for a Nicholas Knight, Nicholas de Brabant, and every alias he'd ever mentioned. Yet as the day wore on, and her fatigue intensified, she knew in her heart that she would get nowhere on this track. And Schanke's words came back to her, filling her with dread....

*He said he was going to bury himself in his past...*

Natalie wondered if Schanke had seen her tremble at his words. The thought had never occurred to her until that moment that perhaps he had not really run away---

Perhaps he was no further than the Raven.

The thought terrified her, though she found it unlikely. And yet, if it were true, she knew that she had driven him there.

He'd turned to Janette once before...but would he have given up completely on his humanity, seeking comfort and refuge in his former life? Was a vampire existence the past in which he'd chosen to bury himself?

She had to know. And as she showered and dressed to make her way to the Raven, she almost wished she would find him there. Anything would be better than having lost him forever.

Janette's stare was as cold and hard as Natalie had expected, as she made her way across the dance floor towards the vampire woman. Any remnant of the pleasantness she had ever displayed towards Natalie was absent. It had been for Nick's sake, then. Now, there was clearly no point to it.

Undaunted, she faced Janette, who nodded curtly and gestured her towards the back room. The music was loud at the moment, and discussion would have been difficult. Natalie followed, almost fearing to find Nick there, eyes ablaze as he drank himself into a human blood oblivion. She heaved a sigh of relief when she found herself alone with Janette. Though with equal panic she realized that this confirmed it--he was not here.

"I'm looking for Nick," she told Janette plainly.

Janette's expression was unchanged. "Aren't we all."

Natalie took a deep breath, considering how to proceed. "Do you know where he is?"

"If I did, do you think I would actually tell you?" Janette was eyeing her keenly, but Natalie refused to give her the satisfaction of a reaction. Finally, Janette relented. "No. I have no idea where he is."

"I need to find him," Natalie said.

At this Janette raised an eyebrow, unable to keep the bitter edge from her voice as she said, "If it weren't for you, he would never have left."

"And if it weren't for you, he and I would still be together," Natalie countered calmly.

Janette shook her head in disbelief, a cruel smile playing at her lips. "Poor Natalie. Were you ever so naive as to think that what you had with him could compare to the bond he and I share?"

"I only know what he told me, Janette. And if I had to choose between believing you or Nick--I think the choice is obvious."

Janette's smile had become embittered, but she did not respond. It was then that she seemed to spot the chain around Natalie's neck. Before Natalie had seen her hand move, she had snatched the diamond heart into her hand. "So, is this from Nick or your mortal boy friend? I heard you put on quite a show for Nicolas the other night."

Natalie's face burned with her rage. But she let Nick's gift speak for her. For as Janette turned it over to read the inscription, her own eyes blazed with anger. Natalie seized the heart from her, putting it safely away under her blouse. "Do you have any idea where I can find him?" she pressed, returning to the subject at hand.

"No," Janette replied, then added, "I do not need to look for Nicolas. He will find me again. And despite his little infatuation for you, Natalie, or anything he may have said, just remember this...Nicolas and I have been together for centuries...and we will be again...long after *you* are nothing more than dust and an unpleasant memory."

Natalie just stared at her placidly, seeing through Janette's own jealousy and desperation. She wanted to find him just as much as Natalie did. She simply would never admit it.

"Well, Janette, you may be right. But as long as I have breath in me, I'll search for him. And I'll find him." She turned to leave, but hesitated at the door, turning back. "If you hear from him--will you tell him I'm looking for him?"

No response.

"Can't you do this one thing for me--for him?"

Janette nodded.

"Thank you," Natalie replied, and left.

LaCroix came from behind the curtain laughing. "She does have spirit, that you must admit!"

Janette fumed. "I will admit nothing."

"Oh, but you must, Janette. And this turn of events has made the game interesting once more...."

Myra met him at the door with a troubled look on her face. "I couldn't help it, Donny. I had to tell him she was all right. He's worried sick--"

Schanke close his eyes, his expression pained. "God, Myra, don't tell me he's here now--"

"You've got to tell him something!" she told him in a hushed whisper as she ushered him inside. "What's going on?"

Zac stood in the living room, his countenance a mask of anger. "All right, Don. What the hell's going on? Where is she? And why in God's name didn't you tell me the minute she called you?!"

"Zac, she's okay," he said, remembering the words he had practiced. "And she said to tell you that she'll call you tonight--she promises she'll call you tonight."

"That's not good enough and you damn well know it! I want you to tell me where she is!"

"She's at a friend's house--"

"Who? I already called Grace a dozen times, and she hasn't seen her." Sudden realization hit him. "Your partner. What's his name--Nick? You told me they were friends...Is that where she is? At his place?!"

Schanke looked helplessly at Myra.

"Zac, Nick isn't even in town," Myra broke in. "He left almost five days ago--"

Rage burned in his hazel eyes. His voice was hoarse with his emotion as he said, "You're not telling me she ran off with him? Is that it? Is this guy Nick the one she was involved with?!"

Schanke was dumbfounded. How could this have erupted so? He quickly said, "No, no, Zac, she's not with him, she's right here in town--"

But Zac had taken greater note of the question Schanke had left unanswered. "He is the guy, isn't he? And you knew? And didn't tell me, even though you knew I was falling--"

"I didn't know!" Schanke sputtered. "I swear, Zac. Nick denied it up and down, and so did Nat. I didn't have any idea until the day he came to say good bye, before he left town. And I figured at that point it wouldn't matter anyway, he was going off to start a new life--"

"So how does Nat fit into all this?" he asked, trying to temper his fury.

Schanke's tone became confidential. "She was upset when he left. She blames herself, I think. She knows he left because he was in love with her, and couldn't stand the thought of seeing you two together...."

Zac had dropped back onto the couch, and sat now with a weary face in his hands, trying to sort out all that Schanke had told him. "Okay," he said tiredly. "So what does this all mean? What is she doing? Trying to contact him? Trying to track him down?"

Schanke nodded guiltily, for the pain he had caused his brother-in-law inadvertently, and for betraying Nat's trust. What a mess.

Suddenly, Zac jumped up to his feet once more. "Okay. So I just have to talk to her. She's confused. She needed some space. But it's over between them. So I just have to sit down with her, and--" He took a deep breath. "Just tell me where she is."

"For Christ's sake, Zac, why don't you just let her call you tonight? She said she would. She was a mess. I don't think she'd take too kindly to your barging in unannounced--"

"Zac, it might make things worse," Myra advised her younger brother, the usual compassion in her voice. "Why don't you just go home, relax, and wait for her to call. I'm sure it'll work out. Like you said, she's probably confused. Let her come back to you in her own time."

Zac thought a moment, as if trying to weigh the alternatives, then nodded. "You're right. I'd...I'd better get cleaned up anyway, before I go to see her."

Schanke heaved a sigh of relief as Myra finally closed the door behind her brother. "Myra, if this whole thing hasn't taught you a lesson, it should have."

"And what's that?" she asked, incredulous, as if convinced that the situation was his doing completely.

"No more match-making."

She slapped him on the arm before leaving him alone to ponder what would happen next.

Aristotle looked up from his computer terminal as his vampiric sense told him that Another had entered. He turned in consternation to see LaCroix. Not his favorite client.

"So, how's the radio station working out?" he asked, trying to sound pleasant.

"Extremely well," LaCroix replied. "You were quite right. Radio does provide a certain anonymity that television wouldn't have."

"Just as well, that new network is buying up all the TV stations anyway." He looked up from his computer for the first time. "So, is it that time again?" Although he already knew why LaCroix was here, didn't he?

"Not exactly," LaCroix responded. "But apparently someone else did decide to move on recently. A member of my family. And he neglected to leave a forwarding address..."

Aristotle eyed him with guarded amusement. He wasn't afraid of LaCroix. LaCroix would not try to threaten him. The Elders wouldn't hear of it. But he didn't want to incite his ire in any case. "You know the rules, Lucien. The same for everyone. I can't let you know where he's gone."

"Even if I have a message for him?"

Aristotle eyed him suspiciously. "What kind of message are we talking about?"

LaCroix's eyes feigned utter innocence as he said, "I'm sure Nicholas would be interested to know that his woman was looking for him."

Aristotle's face remained unchanged. "Woman?"

"Yes. Dr. Natalie Lambert. She's just about exhausted every human resource available trying to locate him."

"And how would you know that?"

LaCroix smiled. "Why Old Friend, you of all people should know that the Night Crawler is always watching...."

Natalie threw her pocketbook on the floor, kicked off her shoes, and plopped on the couch. Sydney had heard her come home and came running to her, jumping on her lap and into her waiting arms. Natalie hugged him tightly, kissing him on the top of his head. "Oooh, I missed you, Sydney. Maybe I should bring you over to Nick's place..."

Sydney meowed in reply.

She hated leaving him alone. Maybe she would come back tomorrow, pack up his things, and take him back to the loft. She sure as hell could have used his company over the last few days. And the smile he brought to her face as he snuggled up against her was the first that had crossed her lips since Nick had left town.

The nervous energy that desperation had given her was wearing down. She was running out of ideas. Her exhaustive search of police computers in North America and Europe had been totally fruitless. Schanke's account of his last discussion with Nick had led her nowhere. And Janette....

Janette had infuriated her, with her smug attitude regarding Nick, and catty attempts to humiliate her. Natalie had endured it for Nick's sake, hoping against hope that Janette might know something....

But it was another dead end. And Natalie simply didn't know what to try next.

She hit the button on her answering machine. "Come on, Nick, call me, please..." she urged. But the only messages were from Zac.

Poor Zac. Her heart went out to him, and guilt overwhelmed her. His voice was frantic, and he had been going out of his mind with worry. She had to call him, difficult as it would be. She owed it to him.

He picked up on the first ring, as if he'd been waiting for her call. "Hello?"

"Zac, it's me, Nat."

She could hear his deep sigh of relief. "Natalie, thank God. You don't know how worried I've been...Where are you? Are you all right?"

"I'm okay," she assured him. "Zac, I'm so sorry to have done this to you. There are...a lot of things going on..."

"I know all about it, baby," he said softly.

Natalie's heart froze. "What do you mean--?"

"I mean, I know about Nick's leaving town---and that he was the one you...were involved with."

Natalie closed her eyes and breathed deeply to contain her anger. How could Schanke have told him?! Her voice began to shake as she said, "Zac, look, I don't know what Schanke said to you, but--"

"We need to talk."

"Zac, I--"

"Natalie, I need to see you. Please. Just tell me where you are. Fifteen minutes, that's all I ask. I need...to know what's going on."

So little to ask of her. In good conscience, she couldn't possibly turn him down, no matter how tired she was, or how frazzled her nerves. "I'm home right now," she told him quietly. "Why don't you come over."

He was there in fifteen minutes, and when she met him at the door she could see the lines of worry etched on his face. "Natalie," he whispered, reaching out to place his hands on her arms. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she told him, letting him pull her into an embrace. She'd forgotten how good it felt to have him hold her like this. She could feel his love and concern enveloping her.

"I've been so worried about you...."

"I'm so sorry, Zac," she sighed. She did care about him, and she had been so unfair...

"It's okay," he said tenderly, bending down to kiss her. She didn't resist. She'd felt so alone until this moment....

But slowly she forced herself to pull away. "We need to talk. You're right. And I'm sorry you had to hear anything from Don. I should have told you from the beginning, but I didn't want to hurt you...."

"Come on." He took her hand and led her to the couch, and they sat facing each other. "Let's start by getting a couple of things out in the open. First--Nat, do you still love this guy?"

She'd always admired his straight-forwardness until this moment. She looked down as she replied almost inaudibly, "Yes." She couldn't stand seeing his pain, knowing that she had caused it, was causing it right now....

Zac paused for a moment, as if trying to accept what she was telling him. Then, in a voice more timid than his own, he asked, "What about me, Nat? What do you feel for me?"

He'd caught her off guard with this. She raised her gaze to meet his. His hazel eyes belied the panic he was trying so hard to control behind the veil of patience that was for her sake entirely. He had been so good, so loving, so honest with her. He deserved the truth.

"A part of me does love you, Zac," she admitted, perhaps only realizing it herself at this moment. "And I really did try to forget about Nick and the past..."

"That's all I needed to know." His eyes brightened as relief flooded him.

"Wait. Let me finish. Zac, I wanted to start a new life with you. But I can't. Because another part of me can't stop loving him. And I know how unfair I've been to you...And I'm really sorry..." Her voice was choked with emotion. She didn't even realize that tears had begun to stream down her face until he wiped them away.

His hand was caressing her cheek as he said, "Nat, it's okay to be confused. All I'm asking is that you don't shut me out. You can have all the time you need to get your head together. But if you really do have feelings for me, don't throw it away chasing the past."

"Zac, I've got a lot of time...and emotion...invested in Nick. I can't throw that away either...."

"Nat, you gave this guy a chance. And you told me yourself a while ago that he cheated on you. Now he's left town without a trace. Nat, if he really loved you, loved you like I do, he would never have hurt you like this--"

It was all true. His words echoed her own thoughts and fears that she had chosen pointedly to ignore. "There are things you don't understand," she began feebly, although she knew that those were precisely the things she could never explain. He was right, and the part of her heart that still suffered for what Nick had done to her begged her to listen to Zac...to forget her love for Nick, to accept that it was over, and free herself to love this man who offered her infinitely more than Nick ever could...

"Just give me, give us, the same chance, Nat," he implored her. "Why don't you take a break from what you're doing for a couple of days...let's go away somewhere, anywhere, maybe a nice beach where we can just relax and spend some time together...there doesn't have to be any kind of commitment if you don't want there to be--"

"Zac--"

"Nat, please. I can't compete with this idealized memory that you're chasing. I just want to spend some time with you, show you how good things can be between us...."

"Zac, I already know," she said, her voice filled with pain. His offer was so tempting...and yet could she ever free herself to give herself completely to Zac, or to anyone else, as long as the hope remained that she and Nick might find each other again?

"Natalie, please...."

He wanted her so desperately. And she began to wonder once more how she could turn her back on someone who offered her all she had ever dreamed of. For what? For the hope of recapturing love with someone who couldn't even live a normal life with her? Who couldn't even make love to her without endangering her life? This is insane, she thought to herself. What do you want, Nat? A normal life, or more heartache?

And she realized at that moment the crux of her dilemma. A normal life with Nick, Nick as a human, Nick able to love her and grow old with her, was what she truly wanted. Impossible. Illogical. Unattainable? Probably. But the desire for this unattainable dream had taken over her existence, had become an obsession...and she could seek no less, even if this course would destroy her. It was a horrible realization. Yet it all made things seem so clear....

"Zac, I'm sorry, " she said finally. "The thought of going off somewhere with you, of forgetting everything, is so tempting. It really is. But there are things I have to do before I could ever be ready to be with you, or anyone else. And I can't ask you to wait for me."

She could see him struggling not to push any further as he stood to go. But his eyes betrayed his unwavering love for her as he whispered, "I don't have a choice."

He kissed her on the cheek, lingering for a moment, his face touching hers. "I love you," he said softly in her ear.

She watched him go, and a sudden desolation engulfed her. She did love him! And she knew that she might someday regret having pushed him away. Yet her love for Nick was as preternatural as his existence, as timeless as his tortured soul, as deep as the suffering that their love had caused them both. Her course had been decided for her from the moment he'd awoken from near death in her office, from the moment she'd vowed to help him. And if she was heading down a destructive path, she could only pray for guidance. For there was no other path. She and Nick belonged together. And she would find him, or die trying.

She had no other choice.

Aristotle sat pensive for a few moments after LaCroix had gone. Something had to be done. He just wasn't sure what.

He remembered Nick's plea about the woman who might be looking for him...and sure enough, she was. But it was the fact that LaCroix was aware of this that presented the real dilemma....

Aristotle knew that he shouldn't get involved. This was a matter between a sire and his progeny. And the life of one mortal woman was insignificant in the scheme of things....

But not so to Nick, and Aristotle damned well knew it. Clearly, this woman meant a great deal to him. Nick was his friend. He owed it to him at least to let him know what was going on....

He realized, of course, that he was playing into LaCroix's hands. And that infuriated him to no end. But Nick would know how to deal with it; Aristotle would leave it to him....

Nick lay awake, sleep eluding him as it had for days.

Voices from the hotel room next to his. A young couple arguing. Then silence. He smiled to himself to think that maybe they were making love. He could listen if he wanted to, with his preternatural hearing...but he wouldn't disturb their privacy.

The same dark image came back to him of Natalie and Zac entwined in their passion. He could feel the rage rising from the pit of his stomach. When would he ever forget? When would he put this all behind him?

Never...

He reached for the cellular phone on the night stand. He should call Schanke. He would have seen Natalie by now. He would know if she was all right....

No. Don't do it. he willed himself, setting the phone on the pillow next to him. Leave her alone. Forget about her. She's better off without you.

Suddenly, with a start, he realized the phone was ringing. Who could it be? He'd given the new number to no one but Aristotle....

"Hello?" He tried to remain calm.

"Nick, it's Aristotle."

Nick caught his breath. Aristotle had never contacted him before. "What is it? Is something wrong?"

"Look, I wouldn't panic, but I just thought you should know that LaCroix was here asking about you. I wouldn't tell him where you were, of course, but he said he had a message." He paused. "He said that Natalie Lambert was looking for you."

Nick's heart froze. "Natalie?" he said in a hoarse whisper.

Aristotle repeated the conversation with LaCroix verbatim, then said, "Look, Nick, I know I'm probably playing into his hands by telling you this. He obviously wanted you to know."

"I'm coming back."

"Nick, don't do that," he warned.

"What do you expect me to do?" he asked, exasperated. "I thought she'd be safe from LaCroix if I were gone! And now you tell me he's been watching her! I can't just sit back and let him--"

"Nick, LaCroix's probably been watching her since way before you ever left, correct?"

Nick was silent. It was true.

"He obviously wanted you to know, to lure you back. Don't let him have his way. I don't think he'll hurt her as long as he thinks he can use her to get to you."

"You don't think he'll hurt her. And you expect me to be satisfied with that?"

But Aristotle could offer him nothing further. He had interfered to as large an extent as he was willing to. Unsatisfied and troubled, Nick thanked him for his call, and hung up.

He sat silently for a moment, trying to push the panic from his mind long enough to think clearly. Finally, he took a deep breath, and dialed.

The woman's voice was tired as she answered. "Hello?"

"It's me, Nick."

"Nicolas?" the surprise in Janette's voice was mixed with joy. "Where are you? Are you still in Canada?"

"Janette, you know I can't tell you that. Before we go on--is he there?"

No need to explain whom he meant.

"No. Not at the moment. He's gotten his own place--"

"Janette, I need you help."

Silence. "I should have known this wasn't a social call. Still tactful as ever, aren't you, mon amour?" she asked with a bitter sarcasm.

Nick sighed. He hated using her like this. But she was right--he always did. "Janette, I just need to know...Someone told me that Natalie's been looking for me..."

"Yes, your little mortal friend was here, wanting to know if I knew where you were."

His heart warmed with delight, yet filled with fear. "Did LaCroix see her?"

"Yes," she said tiredly. "But it doesn't matter. It's not like he hasn't been watching her; you know that."

"Why? What's his game, Janette? What does he want?"

"Oh, Nicolas, how can you live so long and be so naive? It's no game, Nick. He wants what he's always wanted. To have you come back to us."

"But why bother with Natalie? I've left that life behind. She's of no use to him."

Janette's voice softened with her compassion for his suffering. "Nick, he wouldn't hurt her. Alive, she's a tool for him--a way to draw you back. And I've already told you, he knows that if he were to kill her, it would drive you away from him forever. He won't risk that."

Nick considered that. There was some truth to it. LaCroix knew how deeply he loved Natalie. Killing her would thoroughly defeat his purpose.

"Besides," Janette sniffed. "I think he actually finds her...interesting."

The thought of that horrified him. Although for the moment Janette had allayed his fears. For now, Natalie was safe.

"What about you, Janette? Is he...treating you all right?"

"I'm fine," she replied in a tone that veiled...something.

"Janette..."

"Nicolas...I'm taking a great risk telling you this. And it's not what I want...but Nick, if you have hidden away from him for good, stay away. Don't let him lure you back. He wants you to return, to confront him...but no good will come of it."

"And what about Natalie? What will happen to her when he realizes that I'm not coming back?"

Janette had no answer for him.

A few moments later, as he hung up the phone, his thoughts were racing. Janette had convinced him that Natalie was in no immediate danger. But for how long would she be safe? The thought of LaCroix spying on her, watching her every move, chilled him to the bone.

But a more pleasing thought washed over to him, a thrilling reprieve from his grief, his concern. Natalie was looking for him! Did this mean that she forgave him, that she was willing to take him back?

Night had fallen. He knew it was too risky to call her. LaCroix could be listening. He dialed Schanke.

"Hello?" Schanke answered with food in his mouth.

"Schank, it's me."

"Nick! Where the hell are you? Natalie has been going out of her mind looking for you!"

"Is she all right, Schank?” he asked anxiously. "Have you seen her?"

"If you can call anyone who's been awake for the past five days all right. Man, oh man, Nick, you don't know what you've put that woman through."

A searing pain rushed through his soul. He knew.

"I mean, she hasn't gone to work, and she just sits up there in your apartment in front of the computer trying to figure out where the hell you--"

"Wait--she's in the loft?"

"Yeah, she has been ever since you left. She just goes home every couple of days to check on the cat."

Nick took hold of himself and tried to think rationally. She was actually no safer in her apartment than in the loft. After all, LaCroix knew where she lived. He wanted to ask Schanke to go to her, to tell her where he was....but LaCroix would know. No, he had to find a way to contact her secretly, to steal her away from Toronto, to bring her to safety....

"Nick? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," he said grimly. "Look, Schank, just tell her I'm okay, and I'll find a way to get in touch with her--"

"Why don't you just call her? Or tell me where you are?"

"I gotta go, Schank."

He hung up before his partner could complain.

An idea had come to him. And it just might work....

Natalie had gone back to the loft, wanting to be among all the things that reminded her of Nick. If only something here could give her a clue...what had he taken? What had he left behind?

She began to search through his belongings, but exhaustion soon began to overwhelm her. Why not call it a night? She'd barely slept four hours in as many days; in the morning she could resume her investigation with a clear head...

She showered, slipped on one of Nick's blank silk pajama tops, and slid in between the cool black and red satin sheets of his bed. She closed her eyes, hugging the pillow that still carried the scent of his cologne, imagining what it would be like if he were actually there with her....

And as she fell into a deep sleep, her fantasies became her dreams. Nick holding her, caressing her, the heat of his cool hands on her naked flesh....

And the touch was too real. Cool fingers, caressing her cheek, running down her neck....

She awoke with a start. And as her vision cleared, she gasped.

The blond stranger smiled down at her as his cool hands stroked the hollow of her neck....

"Don't be afraid, Miss Lambert." The blue eyes were gazing into hers, calming, hypnotic....

A voice inside her cried, No! Not again!

Again?!

Pure panic empowered her, and she recoiled from his touch, pulling herself up in bed and away from him. He had sat beside her comfortably, and seemed only slightly perturbed by her reaction. "Who--?" she began. But that gaze had awoken something buried deep inside of her, and she found herself whispering his name before it even registered. "LaCroix?"

It seemed so obvious, of course. The pale skin, blond hair, that Nick had described so often. Who else would have slipped into the loft unnoticed? And yet it was more than that...almost as if she knew him....

He smiled, pleased. "So you remember me, Natalie."

"But we've never met," she began. "What are you doing here? What do you want?"

He raised an eyebrow at her boldness. "You're not afraid?"

"Why should I be?" She half-smiled to cover the fear she refused to show him, averting his eyes, that gaze....

"After all, if you'd wanted to kill me, you could have done it by now."

He nodded in appreciation of her logic and her courage. "Quite true. But then why would I want to do that?" He studied her for a moment, trying to catch her eyes as he said, "I hope I haven't disturbed you."

"A call would have been nice," she replied, pulling the sheets up around her. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Why actually, I thought there might be something I could do for you. You're looking for Nicholas, aren't you? And not having a great deal of luck, I'm afraid."

Natalie tried not to react, struggling to keep her voice ambivalent as she asked, "Why, do you know where he is?"

LaCroix paused, pointedly trying to unnerve her. "Perhaps," he said finally. "But first--I was just curious. Indulge me if you will. Does this mean you've decided to forgive him?"

She knew there was no use lying to LaCroix. And it came as no surprise that he knew what had transpired between them. "Yes," she replied simply.

"So, you plan to bring him back to Toronto?"

She hesitated. "If that's his choice." And she knew that that was precisely what LaCroix wanted. For her to lure Nick back in a way that he and Janette could not.

"He left because of you, you know."

"I suppose that's what Janette told you."

LaCroix sighed. "Janette is quite jealous of you, you know."

Now it was Natalie's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I don't see why. She was able to have him when she wanted him." Immediately, she cursed herself silently for the bitterness that she had allowed inadvertently to show through. It did not go unnoticed.

LaCroix raised his fingers to her cheek. "That still does hurt you, doesn't it?" he asked softly.

She didn't reply. She'd made the mistake of looking into those eyes, as his immense power seemed to flow from the cool tips of his fingers.

"You'd like to know why Nicholas did that to you, wouldn't you?" he asked compassionately, stroking her face.

And in spite of her need to pull away from him, a greater need beckoned, as she whispered, "Yes..."

LaCroix reached up to hold her face in his hands as if he were going to kiss her. His voice was tender as he said, "Then I will give you back what I took from you."

` His mind entering hers. But this time (this time?) she welcomed him freely. It had weighed heavily upon her: the fear, the insecurity, the dread that had paralyzed her at the restaurant. The need to know what dwelled within her, lurking, menacing, taunting her from time to time, then slipping back into the recesses of her mind....

And then the assault began. A bombardment of memories, sensations, emotions...reliving it as if for the first time...Azure. LaCroix waiting for her...so gentle and kind, not what she had imagined. Yet slowly she could feel him slipping into her thoughts...resist...don't look at him...

The seductive power of his voice, his hands, caressing her...no...hot breath on her neck…Nick, where are you?!…

A crash. Nick...thank God...help me, please...

Then the words...cruel, hurtful....

Denial..."I do not love this woman...."

The challenge to prove it. Nick grabbing her roughly, pawing her, licking her, hot breath on her neck, teeth grazing her skin...

My God...he's going to kill me rather than let LaCroix take me....!

Then his mouth on hers, kissing her hungrily, desperately...saying good bye?

Nick's body heaving with his sigh of relief...taking her in his arms, hugging her to him...gentle kisses on her cheek, her eyes, her lips...his hands running through her hair. Tender whispers: "I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry..."

It was over, as it had been the first time. Yet now, the memories remained. Natalie shook her head to clear it. Tears had begun to stream down her face, and she wiped them quickly away. "You...you made me forget..." she accused him, her voice choked with emotion. "Why?"

LaCroix shrugged his shoulders. "To see how Nicholas would react. He was very naive actually to think that he could fool me with his lies. But you...you intrigued me, Natalie. Your effect on him fascinated me. I simply wanted to see what would happen next."

"You bastard," she said angrily, heedless of what he might do to her. "What right did you have to play with our lives like that?"

"You know very well what gives me the right," he said calmly, with the patience of a father explaining the obvious to a child. "Nicholas belongs to me."

"He belongs to no one but himself," she replied. "And if you cared about his happiness, rather than your own need to control him and everyone else around you, then you would let him live his life as he wanted."

"Oh, but I do want Nicholas to be happy. I let you live, didn't I? And now, I'm going to help you find him, so that you can bring him back to us."

Natalie shook her head, incredulous. "What makes you think I would bring him back so that you can continue to make his life miserable?"

"Because I know where he is, Natalie. And you have two choices. I can point you in the right direction, and you can bring him back to us; you will have your Nicholas, and so will we. Or, you can go on for years with this fruitless search of yours." He paused, his smile sickening her. "I must admit, I find your devotion to him...amusing. But you never will find him without my help. And eventually, Janette and I will move on...and be reunited with him." He raised his hand to touch her face. "You, on the other hand, my dear, will have lost all your beauty and youth chasing an impossible dream...."

Natalie pulled away from him. "I won't play your game, LaCroix. I don't need your help. I'll find Nick, and I'll do it without selling him out to you."

For the first time, LaCroix seemed visibly annoyed. He hadn't expected Natalie to turn down his offer for assistance, and it clearly disturbed him that he'd misjudged her. "Very well, Miss Lambert," he said, rising to leave. "If you change your mind, do let me know. You can always reach me through Janette."

"I'll call you at the radio station," she told him. "The Request Line."

Flecks of amber came to his eyes, but he said nothing.

Only after LaCroix had disappeared did Natalie realize that her entire body was trembling. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, she closed her eyes as she hugged her knees to her, resting her head upon them. "Oh, God," she whispered. She looked up suddenly, as if afraid to find him still standing there. But he was gone.

"By the way, LaCroix," she said dismally into the air. "Thanks for the memories."

The morning light had barely begun to creep through the window when Natalie felt the touch of cool hands against her flesh...Lifting her, holding her, fondling her.... Her lips parted for her scream, but LaCroix's mouth covered hers, silencing her with a suffocating kiss, laden with the taste of blood.... "No..." she cried weakly as his mouth moved to her neck.

"You should have listened to me, Natalie," he breathed in a husky voice. "You're no use to me now...except for this...."

The searing pain woke her, and she sat up in bed, shivering despite the bright sunlight streaming through the window. Even her deep breaths did nothing to cease the pounding of her heart. The nightmare had been so real, so terrifying, that she reached instinctively for her neck, then checked her fingers for blood. With a sigh of relief, she lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes. The daylight would protect her.

LaCroix had frightened her much more than she'd let on. She still amazed herself when she thought of how she had spoken to him--so bold, so free of trepidation. Yet she knew it was her anger that had spurred her on. Just knowing what had gone on that night, how he had treated her, then robbed her of her memories, had filled her with such a rage that it had obscured all fear. What could he possibly do to her now? He had already destroyed her life and Nick's, destroyed their one chance for happiness....

And now, he knew where Nick was, and the thought of that terrified her. Did Nick know LaCroix had found him, or was he basking in the false security of his new anonymity?

She had to find Nick. But she would not play into LaCroix's hands. She would not lure him back to Toronto so that LaCroix could torture him further.

No, instead she would find him, go to him, warn him...and then they could go off together, find some place, any place, to live out their lives together safe from LaCroix.

An impossible dream, wasn't that what LaCroix had called it? And he'd played upon her fears, her dread of spending the rest of her life looking for him, never finding him, until perhaps one day when she was an old woman, and he, still a young, virile man, would not want her....

But she cold not fall prey to those fears. And instead, she thought of the good that had come last night. The realization of just why Nick had betrayed her....

He'd been afraid to be with her. LaCroix had made him fear so for her life, that he had distanced himself from her completely. How awful it must have been for him, remembering their ordeal, fearing that at any moment LaCroix would take her from him. And not being able to share that knowledge with her....

A part of her was angry at him for not having told her the truth. Surely he could have brought back the memories LaCroix had taken away. But she knew Nick too well. He truly believed he was protecting her, from LaCroix, as well as from the memory of the horrible things he had been forced to do, to say, in order to save her. It probably terrified him to think that she might remember, that it might hurt her...

How he must have suffered then, knowing that as long as LaCroix lived, they could never be together. And though it still hurt her to think of it, and she would always hurt to think of it, she understood now the frustration that had led him to seek comfort from Janette.

She didn't agree with all he had done, or not done. But she did understand now. And she could truly forgive him.

The ringing of the phone stole her away from her thoughts. She picked it up, her body tensing, hoping against hope....

"Natalie, are you all right?"

Schanke. Her tense muscles relaxed.

"Hi, Schank. I'm fine, why?"

"Didn't you get my message last night?"

She'd totally forgotten to check Nick's machine! "No, what's up?"

"Nick called!"

She took in a breath. "Where is he? What did he say?!"

"He didn't. He just called to ask how you were."

"Schanke, you mean to say that you talked to him, and didn't even try to find out--"

"I tried, Nat! He hung up before he told me anything."

She paused. "Did you tell him I'm looking for him? That I want to find him?" She needed him to know.

"Yes, and he said to tell you that he's okay, and he'd find a way to get in touch with you."

Relief. She allowed herself to breathe. "What else?"

"That was it. He hung up. It was weird, Nat, almost like he thought someone might be listening."

Realization dawned on her. He knew LaCroix was watching. Is that why he had called? Did he think she might be in danger? At least he knew now that she wanted to find him! Perhaps he would even call....

But why hadn't he? Fear began to grip her. She had to find him. Fast.

She asked Schanke to repeat once more everything he had said, both on the phone, and on the day he had left. All that really stuck in his mind was the line about returning to his past.

"I was thinking, Nat. Since you've checked all the police precincts in Canada and the US and there's no trace of him, maybe he meant he's going back to doing something he did before he was a cop...whatever the hell that was. Damn him, if only we knew something about his past!"

Natalie's eyes opened wide. "Uh, Schank, look, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later. Thanks for calling."

She jumped out of bed, nearly running down the stairs to the closet where Nick kept his things. She'd seen him put it there once, after he'd shown her its contents....

"Oh, God, how could I have been so stupid!"

It was gone. The box with all his artifacts, books, and momentos of his life as an archaeology professor. She remembered like it was yesterday the day he'd shown her those things, unwrapping each with pride, as he recounted with regret how he had been forced to leave, persecuted during the Red Scare, for they'd found animal blood in his refrigerator....

Relief overwhelmed her. She smiled with satisfaction.

"So you buried yourself in your past, huh?"

Now, finally, she had a place to start.

Two days had passed since Natalie's realization that Nick had probably returned to his first love, archaeology, in choosing a new life for himself. And though she had still not been able to locate him, her hopes were high that she would. She'd narrowed the list down to seven Universities in the US that had hired a new professor of archaeology as of the beginning of the summer term. All she needed to do now was investigate each lead, with phone calls, and visits if necessary.

She'd remained at the loft, knowing that Schanke had told Nick she was there. Working around the clock, she'd slept only a couple of hours each day. In truth, she was afraid to close her eyes at night. Even if LaCroix didn't visit her in the flesh, he might haunt her dreams. Sleep came more easily when the sun was high in the sky.

Her only concern was that she hadn't heard from Nick. He knew she was here. Why hadn't he called? Did he know LaCroix was watching her?

The fact that LaCroix had not been around was a mixed blessing. While she dreaded dealing with him again, each moment that he stayed away heightened her anxiety over his return. He would be back. She knew it. But what were two days in the life of an immortal being? He was most probably biding his time, waiting to see her next move.

For that reason, she'd taken to doing anything of real importance during daylight hours. And as she drove now to the Coroner's Office, she was glad she didn't have to worry about LaCroix following.

She'd planned to come when she knew Grace would be working. Poor Grace had been so worried about her! And although she had called her often, Natalie couldn't really explain to her friend all that had transpired. But she knew that things were coming to a head. Soon she would know where to find Nick, and she had to prepare things so that when the time came, she could slip away unnoticed. And there were some things she needed to tie up....

She found her own office empty. Strange to be back in a place that had become like her second home, where she had spent most of her waking hours, knowing that this might very well be her last time here. She would miss her life in Toronto, a life she had worked so hard to build....

But here, she and Nick could never find peace together. And her desire, her need, to be with him outweighed all else. Knowing Nick would be a part of her new life eased the pain of leaving the old one behind.

She searched her desk for things she wanted to take with her, keeping in mind that if LaCroix came here, he would know she had left if too much were missing. She gathered her notebooks on Nick's progress, and any evidence of her work to cure him; a picture on her desk of herself with Richard; the card Nick had given her the day he'd left. It tore at her heartstrings to leave her Medical School Degree hanging on the wall; but she knew that Natalie Lambert was a name she'd never be able to use again anyway.

Grace came in just as she'd slipped the last of her things into her briefcase.

"Natalie! I didn't know you were here! Are you coming back to work?"

Natalie bit her lip. "Not for a while, Grace. I just came to ask a favor." She pulled a set of keys from her pocketbook and handed them to her. "I may have to go away for a while."

Grace's face registered surprise. "Have you found Nick?"

She shook her head. "But I think I will soon. And if ever you don't hear from me for a couple of days, would you please take Sydney? I...I don't know how long I'll be gone, and--"

"It's okay." Grace's eyes betrayed her understanding. She knew very well that if Natalie did find Nick, she might not be back at all. "I'll take care of him as long as you want me to."

Natalie smiled gratefully, then gave her friend a hug. "Thanks for everything," she said softly.

"Take care of yourself, Natalie. And you tell that big handsome detective he'd better be good to you."

Natalie nodded, and was about to leave when a thought struck her. "Just one thing Grace--promise me, that when you do go to pick up Sydney, you'll go during the daytime."

"Why?"

"Just promise me. Please. Broad daylight. Not even dusk. Promise me."

Grace looked at her strangely, but complied. "Okay. I promise."

It was mid-morning, and time to try calling those numbers again. It was so difficult to get a straight answer from some of the Universities she'd phoned. Nick would be using an assumed name, so if she didn't speak to the new professor himself, she'd need to locate someone willing to give her a description. So close....

She'd taken the list back to her apartment, figuring that while she made calls she could spend some time with Sydney. Her mailbox was overflowing when she opened it, and she grabbed the stack of letters, throwing them onto the table as Sydney came to greet her. God, how she wished she could take him with her....

Maybe, after they were settled, Nick would find a way that Grace could send him to them....

She sifted through the mail, the usual assortment of bills, advertisements, sweepstakes....

...and a letter from a law firm in Toronto. Steven Dandridge, Esquire. "What the hell....?"

Her heart pounded with excitement as she tore open the envelope to find a tiny key wrapped in blank paper. A key to what? But as she stared at it, she knew that she'd seen one like it before....

The key to her safe-deposit box.

Was this a message from Nick? Or a deception from LaCroix? She dismissed the latter as she recalled that Nick had accompanied her once to the bank, when she'd gone to remove her brother's will. He'd commented that he should come here one day to open an account, since it was the only bank in Toronto with evening hours three times a week. She couldn't remember if he'd ever gone back, but the fact remained that he knew that that was her bank. Could he have had a lawyer leave something for her in a safe deposit box?

She wasted no time in finding out. Twenty minutes later, she found herself in a private cubicle, emptying the contents of a small metal box. The key had fit perfectly....

She gasped. Inside was a huge wad of hundred dollar bills. She lifted it up to examine what lay beneath.

Her own face stared at her from a driver's license that read, "Natalie MacLeod". And as she examined the picture, she knew without a doubt that Nick had arranged this. For it was a photo that she had given him, one he'd taken with her new camera, making her promise to give him a copy. The address was in Ithaca, New York. Wasn't that where Cornell was? Cornell University was one of the seven that had hired a new professor of Archaeology.

She reached into her purse for the list of names and numbers. Christopher MacLeod, Ph.D., Cornell University. She broke into a grin. "Gee, Nick, you didn't even bother to ask if I wanted to marry you," she said softly as tears of relief came to her eyes.

She'd found him.

A shuttle into Buffalo would connect her to a flight directly into Ithaca. Her plane would leave at five, enough of a margin so that she could escape Toronto safely without the risk of seeing LaCroix. She could very well see Nick by nightfall....

She knew he wouldn't be at the University, and the phone company had no private listing. Better not to leave a phone record anyway, she thought as she destroyed all evidence of her search for him. On the chance that LaCroix was bluffing, that he didn't really know where Nick was, she didn't want to leave any way for him to trace them to Ithaca. Erasing the files on Nick's computer, then burning her notes in the fireplace, she went back to her own place to gather the things she'd take with her. She chose no more than she could fit in a carry-on bag; some pictures of her family, jewelry that had been her mother's, a bracelet and a stuffed animal Nick had given her, her address book, a change of clothes. So many things she would be leaving behind....but the thought of being with Nick again made it all seem so insignificant....

Four o'clock. She hugged Sydney to her, on the verge of tears as the realization hit her that she might not see him for a long time, if ever again; and he rubbed against her as he always did when he sensed that she was upset. She'd left him lots of food, water, and a clean box. "It's okay, sweetie. Grace is gonna take good care of you. And hopefully, really soon, she can send you to us..." With one last kiss, she set him down, picked up her bag, and left.

She started down the stairs.

It was then that she heard the voice, startling her, breaking her reverie....

"Where are you going, Natalie?"

She turned in surprise to see him there....

"Zac."

He hadn't slept, she could see. Lines of worry crossed his face, but now the hurt in his eyes had begun to give way to anger.

Why hadn't she thought to call him? Why hadn't she had the nerve and the decency to let him know once and for all that it was over? Was it her preoccupation with Nick, and her search for him? Was she avoiding having to hurt him? Or was it the feelings she still had for him? Even worse, perhaps it had been the fear of completely throwing away her relationship with him before she had known that she could really find Nick. If that were so, then she hated herself for her weakness, her selfishness. In any case, seeing his pain now, she knew she could never forgive herself for having done this to him.

"Where are you going, Nat?" His voice was cracked with emotion, yet filled with accusation as he said, "You've found him, haven't you?"

She didn't want to admit it to anyone, lest LaCroix learn of her plans. But she owed it to Zac. He had done nothing to her; his only crime had been falling in love with her.

"Yes," she admitted. "Zac, I'm sorry. I really am. But I love him. And I want to be with him."

"Even after what he did to you? Can you really trust him?"

He'd hit a nerve. There would always be that fear. But she wanted so desperately to forgive him, to trust him again as she had before. "Zac, I don't have a choice."

"Yes, you do," he said, grasping her shoulders, looking deeply into her eyes with such intensity that she wanted to cry. "Natalie, I know you still have feelings for me. You said so. I can see it on your face."

"But Nick is the one I want to be with," she said steadily. "I never meant to hurt you, Zac. And I hate myself for doing this to you. You don't deserve any of this. But I can't help how I feel."

He released her. "You're making a mistake," he said quietly. "He'll hurt you again."

"Maybe," she whispered. And she could feel the tears struggling to come to the surface--tears for Zac, for herself, and all her fears about the uncertainty of her future with Nick. But her path had been ordained long ago. She had to follow her destiny, her heart. She reached up to give Zac a kiss on the cheek, lingering a moment as he hugged her tightly.

"Please, Nat," he said in her ear. "I love you."

She separated from him, knowing his painstricken face must match her own, but for different reasons entirely. "Good bye, Zac."

She hurried down the stairs, not looking back even as he called her name.

As the plane took off, she heaved a great sigh of relief. She'd made it. And even if LaCroix discovered now that she was gone, he still could not keep her from reaching Nick first.

She thought of Zac, and the anguish she had caused him. It was something she would never forget, nor forgive herself for. She truly had cared for him. But it hadn't been enough. And it had never compared to, could never match, the passionate love that she felt for Nick.

Nick. Her heart beat more quickly at the thought of him. She read the inscription once more on her gold diamond heart, then held it tightly between her fingers as she had so many times since she'd begun her search for him.

Soon. Very soon.

LaCroix scanned the Raven quickly as he always did when he made his entrance. Generally, he liked to observe what was going on around him. Nothing seemed amiss tonight. The usual mixture of vampires and mortals were indulging themselves in dance, alcohol, and blood, though the latter always seemed innocuous enough, disguised in tall wine glasses. Miklos spotted him immediately, filling a glass for him without having to be asked. LaCroix nodded his thanks, sipping his first nourishment of the evening as he stared off into the crowd.

Suddenly, he spied a young, dark-haired mortal sitting at the far side of the bar. LaCroix smiled in amusement.

Then Janette was at his side. "I don't like that look in your eyes," she said playfully.

"Janette, look at that young mortal," he said, drawing her closer. "Do you know him?"

"He's a lawyer. He comes in from time to time, and drinks a lot. I would guess he's trying to forget something. That's what mortals do when they're upset."

"Or forget someone," LaCroix said with meaning. At her questioning gaze, he explained, "Natalie Lambert. That's her mortal boyfriend."

Her eyes opened wide. "Well, I must say this for her. She has excellent taste in men."

"Including Nicholas?" he asked just to irritate her.

He succeeded. "So, what does it matter to me who he is? He's a customer--"

"He could be much more than that," he suggested. "To us."

She gave him a warning look. "I don't need a scene in here."

"No scene at all, my dear. You do have a back room, don't you?"

She breathed deeply, angrily. "He's a lawyer, LaCroix. Not some homeless person who wouldn't be missed..."

Flecks of gold had emerged in his eyes. "I could use a good lawyer."

"LaCroix!" she warned in a hushed whisper.

"Talk to him, Janette. Ease his pain. Bring him into your private room..." he commanded, then added with a sneer, "Unless of course you think that Nicholas isn't the only man whom you can't make forget about Natalie Lambert..."

Janette was seething. But he knew he had struck a nerve.

Besides, she had to do whatever he asked. That was simply the way it worked.

Nick awoke with the alarm clock, but had barely slept all day. It had been two days since he'd had his lawyer arrange for the safe-deposit box key to be left in Natalie's mailbox, and still she had not come to him. He'd purposely had the address to the new house put on her license as a clue; he'd moved in the day before yesterday. What was happening?

He grabbed the phone, dialing his lawyer's cell phone number. "Steven, it's Nicholas. Did you check the safe deposit box as I asked?"

"She went there this morning, Nick. The box is empty."

Nick let out a breath. Good. At least now she knew where to find him. "Thanks. I'll check in in a few days if I haven't heard from her."

He hung up, showered and dressed. The house was nearly bare, but he had had enough furniture delivered yesterday to make it livable. In time, there would be more. Maybe Natalie would decorate it to her own liking. He'd let her spend as much as she wanted, buy whatever she needed to feel at home. For if she did come to him, she'd be giving up her life in Toronto. He'd make it up to her a thousand-fold, in any way possible....

If only now he would hear from her.

Suppose LaCroix had gotten to her? Suppose it was he who had removed the ID and money from the bank? Ridiculous. How would LaCroix know which bank to check? But what if he had followed her there....?

A million possibilities crossed his mind. It was nine o'clock now. LaCroix would have been up since dusk. Suppose ....

The doorbell rang, jarring him. He went to the door expectantly, opened it...

And there she stood. Close enough to reach out to, to hold....

"Natalie..." he whispered in disbelief. Even knowing she might come had not prepared him for this moment.

Her smile was bright, beautiful. There was relief on her face, tears in her eyes. "I'm here," she said softly.

They fell into each other's arms.

Natalie held onto him tightly, as if afraid to let go. "Oh God, Nick, I thought I'd never see you again..." she whispered in his ear, her words choked by her tears of joy. His arms felt so good around her, his lips so tender as he kissed her, his own tears intermingling with hers. His hands moved up to her hair, caressing it as he loved to do, then to her face as he held it tenderly.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" he asked in a broken voice.

She looked into the eyes that still betrayed so much anguish, joined now by the hope that she'd awoken. She smiled. "If I didn't, I would have never agreed to become Mrs. MacLeod now, would I?"

The relief washed over him, rejuvenating him. He smiled at her tenderly as he said, "Well, I suppose we're going to have to make that official as soon as possible..."

His kiss was passionate but sweet, hungry yet gentle, as if he were relishing the taste of her. And when they had separated he looked into her eyes, so overwhelmed by emotion that he could barely speak. "Do you know now...how much I love you?... How much I've missed you?"

"I know," she whispered. "And I'll never doubt it again."

He led her inside, closing the door behind them, then put his hands on her shoulders, looking her over as if for the first time. "Are you all right?"

"I am now," she replied, truly meaning it.

He drew her once more into his arms, hugging her to him. "I was so worried about you. I was ready to come back to Toronto. When Schanke told me--"

She looked at him suddenly. "We can't go back, Nick. And we can't even stay here. LaCroix knows where you are. Or at least he told me he did."

His face filled with alarm. "Wait--he told you. Do you mean he actually--"

"It's okay. He didn't hurt me." She took the hand caressing her cheek and kissed it to assure him that she was all right. "He said he knew where you were, and he would tell me, if I would lure you back to Toronto. But I told him it was no deal, so I don't know if he ever really knew where you were or not--"

Nick breathed deeply, sitting on the couch, and holding out his arms for her to join him. She did. She was exhausted. And as he wrapped her in his embrace, she lay against his chest, closing her eyes.

"Nat, he may or may not know," he said with a calm resignation, as he stroked her hair. "But the fact is, he will eventually find out. He always does."

"I don't want him to find us," she said, moving her head to look up at him. "I don't want anyone or anything to keep us apart this time."

"Nothing will separate us now. Do you hear me? Nothing." He lifted her chin gently so that he could reach her lips once more. Natalie kissed him deeply, taking in his love, his warmth...

His warmth? She pulled away slightly to look at him. "Nick...your skin is so warm..."

"I've been off the blood for over a month now," he reminded her. "My whole body's changing. Look." He pointed out a scar on his finger. "I did this cutting a tomato. Yesterday."

"This is amazing!" she said, astounded, the doctor in her momentarily taking over. She began to get up. "We've got to run tests--"

He pulled her back down on top of him. "Not now, Nat," he said with a playful smile.

She settled back against him. It felt so safe to be in his arms....

"You were right all the time, Nat," he told her quietly. "It was the blood. And as soon as I stopped completely...." His voice trailed off as he tightened his embrace, kissing her lovingly on the forehead. "I can control myself now," he said in a hushed whisper. "I can control my urges. Holding you now, close like this, and wanting you for so long....all I want to do..."

She looked up into his eyes, so blue, so normal, filled with a desire not for her blood, but for her....

His fingers brushed lightly against her cheek. "All I want to do is make love to you...."

And as he kissed her, she could feel her own desire for him coursing through her. She'd wanted him so badly, for so long....And even if he had not told her this, had not been so certain of his ability to control the beast within him, she'd known all along that it would be worth the risk just to be with him at last.

"Nick, I want you," she breathed between his kisses.

"Are you sure, my love? Are you sure you're not afraid?"

Her gaze met his, and she shook her head slowly, her eyes smiling at him, telling him it was all right. "Make love to me, Nick."

He smiled, almost as if in wonder that this could really be happening. Slowly, he stood from the couch, gently lifting her into his arms to carry her into the bedroom....

Janette laid her hand down on Zac's, caressing it softly as she said, "Perhaps you've had enough for tonight."

He looked up at her in his stupor as if trying to focus on her. "No. It's never enough until you can't remember anymore," he said passionately.

"What is it you're trying to forget? A woman?"

He nodded, breaking her hypnotic gaze, looking down. He was so handsome, she thought now as she examined him more closely. Perhaps LaCroix was right. This could be interesting.

"What did she do to you?" she asked kindly, touching his face lightly, gently lifting it so that his eyes met hers.

"She left town to find her old boyfriend," he replied simply, not having any idea that she knew the situation intimately. Janette fought to conceal her surprise, her rage. So Natalie had found Nicolas, might be with him right now....

"Then you don't need her," she told him matter-of-factly. And I don't need Nicolas.

He was looking at her strangely, as if for the first time. And as she looked into his eyes, her hand gently stroking his cheek, his neck, fluttering lightly against his chest, then falling down to rest on his jeans, she commanded softly, "You want me...."

"Yes," he said huskily, so weakened by the alcohol, so defeated by what Natalie had done to him, that he needed very little suggestion to follow her into her private room....

Delicately Nick set her on the bed, and she fell back against the pillows, looking up at him, wanting him, reaching out, pulling him down to join her....

His kisses were tender, lingering, as his hands gently began to caress her, undressing her slowly as if she were a precious gift to unwrap. Natalie wanted him so badly, but she knew that he wanted to take his time, to relish every touch, every kiss, as he concentrated on separating his mortal desires from his immortal urges. And as he explored her with his hands, his mouth, she felt she would explode with desire for him....

So long had it been since Janette had felt the passion of a mortal man.... She closed her eyes as Zac's mouth sought out hers, as his warm hands explored her, as they fell down on the couch together and she struggled against the bloodlust that had become so inextricably intertwined with the sexual desire that he had awakened in her....

And as Nick's kisses became more hungry, his caresses

more urgent, Natalie could feel him struggling to maintain his control. "Just love me, Nick, just think about loving me...." she whispered. "Don't let it stop us from being together...."

And as Janette feared she would lose herself in this handsome mortal, she realized that another presence had entered the room....

Janette wanted him. She wanted him in more ways than she'd imagined, more than LaCroix had planned. Was it his overpowering sensuality, the passion of his kisses, the gentleness of his caress? Or was it the satisfaction of knowing that to take him would hurt Natalie, hurt her as Janette had been hurt when Nicolas had left; hurt her as Janette hurt now to know that at this moment Natalie and Nick were together....

No, it was more than that. She saw in him something she had not seen in eight hundred years, since she'd first laid her eyes on the dashing young Crusader....

He could be her companion. Her lover.

Her childe....

She could feel the heat of her own body wanting him, matched only by the fire in her amber eyes, the thirst for his blood. If only she could hold out, enjoy the pleasures of the flesh before her hunger drove her to take him....

She couldn't. The desire to taste of him was too great, overriding her passion. Her fangs extended, she hovered at his neck, ready....

"Janette, no!"

"Why not?!" she growled at LaCroix. "Why must you always be the one to control! Don't I have the right to make a companion of my own?!"

LaCroix was stunned. Not for her disobedience, but for the spirit she had shown in her defiance. And she knew that she had shocked him so that she ran the risk of torturous punishment. But she'd lost Nick. No matter what she'd told Natalie, she knew he would not be back this time. And she needed something to call her own, besides this place, this temporary life that she had created for herself.

She needed the love and companionship Nicolas was no longer willing to give, and hadn't for centuries.

LaCroix's expression became kind, like that of an indulgent father. He was too interested in this change in her to be angry. And perhaps he saw possibilities of an even greater irony, even greater games that could soon be afoot....

"Go ahead," he said, nodding to her.

Zac had begun to become aware, and she soothed him with her gaze. "It's all right, mon amour," she said softly. And she pressed her lips against his, kissing him hungrily, letting the passion reawaken her thirst....

And as his precious life essence flowed between her lips, she saw so many things....his life, his love...his pain...She would soothe that pain...make him forget....

LaCroix had been watching over her, and now gently pulled her away. "Enough, Janette. You mustn't let his heart stop...."

She looked down in panic at the young man's limp form lying on the couch. "Is he...?"

"Give him your blood," LaCroix instructed.

And she did. The pain was momentary as she tore the flesh at her wrist, offering her own blood to him. And as the droplets fell upon his lips, she could see the slight movement as he slowly began to taste, to realize, to desire more....

Janette cradled his head in her lap as she let him grow strong from her. And as she began to feel faint, LaCroix helped her to pull her wrist away. She gestured her thanks to him, looking down at her new progeny. Her blood still stained his lips. She kissed it away....

He looked up at her in confusion. "What...?"

"You're all right now," she told him tenderly.

LaCroix only looked on silently, pleased.

Natalie snuggled closer to him under the covers, still reveling in the touch of their intermingling flesh. He tightened his embrace, reaching to kiss her.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, worried that his hunger had caused him too much frustration.

But he smiled at her as he said, "I haven't felt this good in eight hundred years."

She smiled shyly and reached up to taste his lips again, lacing her fingers around his neck. He pulled her up on top of him, holding her there in a deep, lingering kiss.

"I love you," he said, searching her eyes.

"I love you too," she told him. But there was something troubling him, she knew. "What is it?"

"Nat, I want you to trust me. I need you to believe I would never do anything to hurt you again."

"I know that," she said, as if it were obvious. Well, wasn't it? "I trusted you with my life, didn't I?"

He reached up to stroke her cheek. "I wouldn't have even tried if I didn't know that I'd come far enough to--"

"I know that too," she told him.

"And do you know that it's because of you that this was possible?" he asked her tenderly. "You showed me the way...taught me how to take control of it." He shook his head in disbelief. "If I hadn't met you, Nat...I would be the same miserable creature I was for centuries. You've given me so much...Love...a new life..."

"Then what's still upsetting you?" she asked gently. "You should be happy now. I am..."

He touched her cheek. "So am I, my love. Happier than I ever thought I could be. There's just something I need you to know." He paused. "About Valentine's Day--"

Natalie heaved a sigh of relief. She hadn't begun to imagine what it could be. But this, although serious, was something that she herself had resolved in her mind. Yet it warmed her to know that he wanted to tear down any boundaries that still might lay between them. "Nick, I know all about it," she told him. "LaCroix gave me back my memory..."

"Everything?" he asked, perhaps a bit afraid.

"Everything," she assured him. "Including the way you lied to him to save my life."

There was still apprehension in his eyes. "Nat, the things I said... and did...were horrible. I was afraid for you to know. When I realized that LaCroix had wiped your memory, I didn't know what to do. On the one hand, I knew you had a right to know everything...but on the other hand, I wanted to protect you."

"You should have told me," she admonished, although at the moment any anger she had felt was long gone. "And...I understand why you didn't. But Nick, you should have trusted me. I knew you were lying, trying to deceive LaCroix to save me. It was an awful experience, and it did hurt at the time to hear you say those things; but you kept him from killing me..."

He hugged her tightly, the memory of it seeming to make him shudder at the thought that he had nearly lost her. "Nat, I was terrified. I couldn't stand the thought of him touching you, hurting you..."

"I know," she soothed, closing her eyes as she lay against his chest. "It's all a bad memory. But it's over. And at least I understand now why you distanced yourself from me. Why you--" She cut herself off. She didn't want to even mention it aloud and spoil the moment. "Just hold me."

"I'm sorry, Nat." For what he had done that night at Azure. For keeping the memory from her. For Janette. She knew it all. He didn't have to say it.

But she did have to say something to him. "Nick, I'm sorry I hurt you. What you saw..."

He didn't answer; he just held her closer. She lifted her head to look at him again. "It was a terrible mistake. Trying to forget you. And I'm so sorry you had to see that."

He hesitated a moment, before asking what had been on his mind. "Nat...do you love him?"

She shook her head. "I thought I could. I wanted to. I cared about him. But it was all just part of trying to forget you." She smiled at him as she ran her fingers lovingly through his thick blond waves. "I couldn't love anyone else like this."

And by the smile on his face, the expression of relief, she knew that it was that doubt that had nagged at him; that fear, still, that he had lost her love. But her words had eased him. And, knowing that she knew of what had happened on Valentine's day, that she forgave him for it, had broken down any walls that might still have existed between them. He gathered her in his arms, rolling over on top of her.

"So, Mrs. MacLeod--"

"That's Dr. MacLeod," she corrected. "Where did you pick that name anyway? And why change from Nicholas? Haven't you been using that for eight hundred years?"

He shrugged. "Well, MacLeod is that guy from that movie about the Immortal, remember?"

"Oh, God. You've taken our name from Highlander." She laughed.

"You know, the Immortal--I had to think fast, and it seemed appropriate. Immortal, get it?"

"Yeah, yeah..."

"And it seemed kind of ironic to take the actor's first name--what was his last name again?" he teased.

"Wasn't it--"

"Lambert," she said in unison with him.

She shook her head.

He looked at her sheepishly. "We can change it if you like--"

"Later," she said, pulling him closer. "Right now, how do you think your self-control is holding up?"

"Just fine," he whispered, running his fingers across her naked skin, leaving heat in their wake.

"I'd say you're making great progress," she breathed.

He looked at her with love in his eyes. "No, Nat. We're making great progress," he said softly, as his lips, his body, his soul, sought hers once more.

End