Rejecting the Ridiculous


To put it in a scholarly manner, the rejection of any one individual religious belief stems from the failure of such a belief to adequately overcome lingering hesitations. To put it simply, I have never found one that didn't make me say,"Oh, come on!"

I have always found that example best illustrates my point of view to those who cannot conceive of it. Questions like "Why don't you believe in Zeus?" are interesting questions, but I wonder if they really hit home. So this writing is dedicated to all the Christians out there. Here's a religious sales pitch, worded differently, that you may have actually heard before (in some form). This is how I imagine it to have sounded, in the early 1800's:

Good afternoon sir. I would just like to take a moment to talk with you. There is some exciting news that has recently been discovered about our Lord, Jesus Christ!

While digging around on a hill, I happened to find some buried plates. They had ancient writing on them. With the help and guidance of the Lord's angel, I was able to translate these plates. There is some fascinating information on them.

What's that? The plates? No, I don't have them. Yes, they existed. The angel magically took them up to heaven when the translation was complete. Jeez, have a little faith.

It turns out that that the Indians on this great land are not savages at all. They are God's chosen people, the Jews. This marvelous revelation comes directly from the Lord your God.

Mongols? The Indians? No, that theory is a satanic lie. Everyone knows that the twelve tribes were split up to all corners of the Earth. One Jewish tribe came to the New World, in boats, and made a civilization.

Of course they had boats! How else could they get here? They were guided by the hand of God to found a "New Jerusalem" here, if you will. They also had horses, chariots, silk, and other strictly Old World items that they brought with them.

What do you mean the Indians don't have any of those things? They just haven't been found yet. Just wait. When settlers reach the West, where the Indians lived in God's Promised Land, they will find all these things as the true evidence of God's grace. Please, let me finish.

Well, as we all know, Jesus died in the Roman Empire, and His message reached throughout the civilized world in Europe, Western Asia, and now the Americas. Up until now, there was no way for this message to reach the Jewish people living here.

What do you mean bring the message here? Well, it's true that the Jews managed to come here in boats, but that was because they had God's blessing and guidance. The rest of the world was incapable of this trip until recent history, so the message had to get here somehow. No, God simply chose not to guide the message here the same way. Who are you to question God's plan?

What God did do, if you will let me finish, is to send his son Jesus, our Savior, to speak to the Jewish people here. His revelation to the Jews here in the New World completes the teachings of Christ and finishes the biblical cannon. I took the liberty of translating and writing down the account of the Christ written by the Indians, er, Jews. I hope you'll read it. Thank you, and good day to you.


(Next Day)

Hello again! Did you get a chance to read the Word of the Lord? Good, you know...uh, what? Problems? Please tell me. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I think I can respond to those things.

You say that there are grammatical errors. No, that is the direct Word of God Himself. This is not a "pathetic attempt to mimic King James English" as you say. I assure you, sir, that I have little formal schooling, and would be quite incapable of writing a book of this magnitude. What do you mean "that's clear"? I can state, swearing on the book I wrote, that there are no such errors.

Secondly, you claim that I quote liberally from the King James Version of the Holy Bible. This accusation is without merit. Of course God had to repeat many of the same basic points for the Jews living here! It would be foolish to think otherwise! But when you take the Bible and this book together, the message is complete.

You allege that errors and/or mistranslations in the Holy Bible are repeated here. It is nothing short of blasphemy, sir, to state that the Bible has any errors or mistranslations. We all know that the King James Version is, in English, word for word the exact, perfect, and infallible transcription of the Holy Bible. What? Yes, that is correct. Jesus visited the Indians and spoke about his death, which hadn't happened yet. There's no problem! God knows all things, doesn't he?

And no, I don't find it odd that the Indians, er, Jews would live in the West and bury their most important literature here on the East Coast, where they have only limited settlements. This was clearly the Will of the Almighty God. The language? Well, the Lord has revealed to me that it is a form of Egyptian. What do you mean "that makes no sense"? Yes, when compared to the ancient languages, the Indian tongue will turn out to be very close to Hebrew. Mark my words.

What's that? You asked around about me? No, I'm no con-man or charlatan! These are vicious lies perpetuated by Satan to discredit me before the book was written, er, translated and written! Sir! Sir! Before you shut the door, just one question.... Can you give me some money to get my ministry off the ground?

(SLAM)

Sir! Sir?

Say it with me now: Oh, come on! In case you have no idea, this story is about Mr. Joseph Smith, who founded what we now know as Mormonism. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS), as it is officially called, is growing steadily in numbers. I wonder how many of those converts would have gone through with it if they had heard this version of the sales pitch....

As an atheist I am often challenged as to why I reject religion. I am never asked as to why I reject this religion, or that religion, in a specific manner. I think in this case, Mormonism, it is quite clear why I wouldn't believe. The scientific, textual, translational and common sense evidence is overwhelmingly to the contrary. Plus it just seems hokey.

The vast majority of Christians reject, or just laugh at, the LDS Church. I completely agree, and I actually have some LDS relatives (Read a letter from my Mormon cousin). It is ridiculous at its core. Now if mainstream Christians would only look at Paul the same way they look at Joseph Smith....


Back