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Quotes "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein "Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test." - Calvin "As a math atheist, I should be excused from this." - Calvin "Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain 25 Things To Do To Have An Especially Fun Time at Wal-Mart 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10." 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 8. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 9. Put M&M's on layaway. 10. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 11. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 12. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 13. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 14. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 15. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 16. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 17. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 18. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 19. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms. 20. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." 21. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 22. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. 23. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, out your hands over your ears position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 24. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. 25. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." –A. Whitney Brown "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." –Mariah Carey "Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." –Sir Winston Churchill "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." –Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." –David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what then, is an empty desk a sign?" –Albert Einstein "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." –Abbie Hoffman |
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"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." –Abbie Hoffman Sharp as a sack full of wet mice." –Foghorn Leghorn "Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime." –G. Gordon Liddy "Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!" –Groucho Marx "A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." –Groucho Marx "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." –Groucho Marx "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." –Groucho Marx "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." –Groucho Marx "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." –Groucho Marx "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them . . . well, I have others." –Groucho Marx "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." –Dan Quayle "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy—but that could change." –Dan Quayle "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." –Dan Quayle "I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix." –Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." –Dan Quayle "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." –Dan Quayle "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." –Dan Quayle "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." –Dan Quayle "The future will be better tomorrow." –Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." –Dan Quayle "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." –Dan Quayle "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." –Dan Quayle "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." –Dan Quayle, speaking to the best European nation in North America "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." –Dan Quayle "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." –Dan Quayle "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." –Dan Quayle "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." –Dan Quayle "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. " –Dan Quayle "Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible." –Javier Pascual Salcedo "Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves." –Homer Simpson "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." –Joe Theisman, NFL quarterback "Buy land. They've stopped making it." –Mark Twain "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin." –Mark Twain "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." –Mark Twain "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." –Mark Twain "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." –Mark Twain "Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it." –Mark Twain "I am different from [George] Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't." –Mark Twain "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." –Mark Twain "I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell—you see, I have friends in both places." –Mark Twain "If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything." –Mark Twain "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." –Mark Twain "Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand." –Mark Twain "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." –Mark Twain "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." –Mark Twain "There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." –Mark Twain "To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble." –Mark Twain "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't." –Mark Twain "Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it." –Mark Twain "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read." –Mark Twain "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." –Mark Twain "When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people." –Mark Twain "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." –Mark Twain "Sacred cows make the best hamburger." –Mark Twain "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." –unknown "...thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." –Dave Barry "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." –Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C. when trying to rationalize the excessive crime in his city "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." –John Benfield "I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different." –Tony Bennett |