"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

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There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what
happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two
deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "It could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been
shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you
know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?
There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been
worse!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home
yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."

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Our Beer,
Which art in Barrels.
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as it is in the pub.
Forgive us this day our daily spillages,
as we forgive those that spill against us.
For thine is the beer,
The Bitter and the Lager,
For ever and ever,
Barman.
 
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This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

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Big Fred came home after he'd been to the chemist with a pack of 100 scented condoms and said to
his wife, "If I put a condom on, would you be able to tell me what scent it is?"

The Bride said, "No worries, should be able to quess that."

A few moments later, she said, "That one is CHEESE scented".

Fred said, "Hold it, I haven't put one on yet!!"
 

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Confucious say: Girl who masturbate during period, get caught red handed.
Confucious say: Virginity like balloon; One prick, all gone.
Confucious say: It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

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An old lady and old man are sitting in their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and
says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am." She says,"Okay." She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, "You're 73." "That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know?" he asks. She replies, "You told me yesterday."

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An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a
tin of paint and offers him $50 to paint his porch. A few hours later the guy goes to the home-owner
and says, "I've finished!! but I reckon you should know your car's a Ferrari not a Porsche!"

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One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found
themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge
gorilla hard-on.

The one gay says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other gay says 'There's only one
way to find out and that's to touch it'

The gay reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the
gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death.

Three days later the gay wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's
the gay's buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden gay says 'HURT!... OF COURSE
I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'

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There's this newly-married couple who move into a house. The wife goes upstairs and notices a
mirror hanging on the wall. She goes up to and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my husband like most of all?" And the mirror replies "Your tits". She then says "Mirror mirror on the wall, give me size 44!". And hey presto, she gets these big tits.

Excitedly she rushes downstairs to show her husband, who is amazed upon seeing her. He asks her what happened and she tells him about the mirror. So the husband rushes upstairs to the mirror and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my wife like most of all?". The mirror
replies "Your dick". So the man says "Mirror mirror on the wall, make my dick touch the floor". So
his legs fall off...
 
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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old
son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats
incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and,
again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play
some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards
and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must
confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's
dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

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Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie
flys out and grants him a wish.

Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the dustbin.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Cammilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the
media were always poking shit at her looks.

The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thoughts get that fucking dog
out of the bin again"!!!

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