| Jokes |
| A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. Now, class. Observe the worms closely, said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? the teacher asked. Clem who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, Drink whiskey and you will not get worms. |
| THE "KITTY KOMMANDMENTS": **Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the internet. **Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. **Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. **Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent. **Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator. **Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt. **Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face. **Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. **Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. **Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. **Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself. **Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. **Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 AM. **Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. **Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly. **Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. **Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house plants are not meat. **Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded. |
| An oldie but a sweetie!!!! Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move." |
'Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back. Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack. The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky... To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky. There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such, And as Fred stuffed his face, he sighed, "This is too much!" Phil and Rose were in bed watching late night TV, While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie. Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night. It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright. Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big... Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig. They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds... What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds: Across the night sky, with a noise like the ****ens, Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens! At the wheel sat a bunny -- cute, fuzzy and fat -- In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat. Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew, As the van driver called to each hen in his crew: "Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo! On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!" The van made its landing lickety-split ... Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit! Then up on the roof, much to Phil's consternation, They squawked of egg prices and space navigation. They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer, "If you guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!" Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket, And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket. This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair .. Not your average bozo, not your typical hare. His ears were enormous; his huge overbite Was right under a nose like a pink neon light. His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool; This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool. "While I'm here," he smiled, "Everybody relaxes ... I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes. I'm just here to bring you some fun and delight. Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party tonight!" So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes, Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks. Then flop-ears said, "Hey, friends, we've had quite a ball, But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!" He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear, And he yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!" As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky, He called out, "Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!" As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say, "Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!" Author Unknown |
| "Honey, I Can't Perform!" A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes |
| $500 Porsche A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money." |
| I hope that you enjoyed this months jokes. I will post any good jokes you might come across. They can be adult jokes, kids jokes, lawyer jokes. ect.... Just send them to dlstein67@hotmail.com put newsletter in the subject line. Or send them to Colleen and she will make sure I get them. Thanks. Keep Laughing its good for you. |