im 19, few months away from being 20 and as i look back on my life im disappointed. ive done good but ive done a lot more bad than anything. ive battled addictions, gone thru heartache after heartache, been down in the gutter, 1 foot in my grave, depressed... i look to my life ahead of me and its very cloudy. i dont have much to look forward to at the moment. why should i? i am a high school drop out with no job, no car, nothing. how i am still standing after these few years since my mom left i have no clue. if its not one thing stressin me out, its 5 other things. i didnt think i would still be alive today after my rape. but yet, here i am. how do i do it? where do i find my strength and energy to still get out of bed everyday and face the hardships? i know Thom has helped me out so much but wow... i have been battling depression since the day mom left, maybe longer. trying to think back that far makes my brain hurt hehe. i am only 19 yet im much older than i feel. having to grow up in a day. going from being the youngest in the family of 5 to having to act the oldest in the family of 3. i had to lose much of my freedom to help my brother and dad out being the "mom" cooking and cleaning.. helping josh deal with shit yet, who was there for me when i needed it? no one. i dont complain, im used to being alone. i have made up for my "lost" teen years. done the drugs and drinking thing.. rebeled, stayed out for days without calling or commin home.. but looking at my life now, i know what i must do to better things for myself and others around me. i will always be my brothers rock, the stable thing in his life. i will be there to take the knife out of his hand when he wants to kill himself, the friend who helps him clean his room, the one who makes sure he eats food everyday.. he is 21 yet he is lost without mom here. she FUCKED both our lives up yet, josh dont know how to be without her... one day...
I was born 6:40am January 11, 1983. Good childhood from what I choose to remember. Got a dog (Sierra) and a cat (Smokey) when i was young. Loved them w/ all my heart. A few days before Christmas one year, Sierra died and made Christmas the worst holiday ever. To this day I hate it. in 1995, I went to my dads moms house for Thanksgiving thinking everything was normal back home. Once we got back home, my mom had packed up and moved out. From that point on my life fell apart. It felt like I lost my mom which as it so happens, I did. I feel so alone now. Some stuff was just brought to my attention that my mom wasn't IN love with my father. I don't know what to think at this point in my life. I don't know who to trust, who to believe, which parent loves me. All I know is I love my father! I love my sister! Thats all I really know. Thats all I can truly say about my family. As far as friends are concerned, I only have 4. I have been back stabed 1 to many times.
I cry myself to sleep at night. I really hate life right now. The only reason I am still here is beacuse I don't want to hurt my friends. I do a great job of covering up how depressed I am... only letting so much out when I talk to people, being happy around people so I don't have to tell them whats wrong. I don't like talking to people about my feelings. I am not a very open person.
Life deals different people different problems and we all handle them in different ways. I just keep them all hidden inside. I do write down my problems but in a different ways. I write them into stories or poems and such. People are always comming up to me asking me if I'm ok. I can't lie and say I'm fine but I don't want them to know I'm depressed b/c then they will wanna talk to me about it. I'm depressed and sucidal ok? Now you know so don't ask me if I'm ok. I will be depressed most likely for the rest of my life. That is something I have to learn to deal with. If I want to talk to someone about my feelings, I will go up to someone I trust and talk to them. I don't trust to many people. Well, I trust 3 people exactly. David, Thom, and Dave. Thats it. And thank god I have Dave and Thom the past few hmm weeks b/c I don't know what I would have done w/o them.
My back has been hurting for a while now, well, the right side the most. Thom told me that some chinese thing and that means that I have unresolved issues. I was thinking about what would do that and I have 2 things that it could be. 1) I need to tell my mom how I really feel about what all she has done, like ruining my dreams and ditchin me 2 days before my birthday b/c i droped out of school. 2) I keep putting this in the back of my mind but, i like this guy, he likes me back. Well, its more than like feelings... but anyways! Ive been single for a while now and I'm almost over my ex but... i dunno something is not right here. I mean w/ the feelings and all.... i keep thinking "why hasnt he asked me out yet?" I cant help but think that. Those are the 2 reasons why i think its sore but who knows. Such is life.
I do have a few questions for anyone who can answer it. Why does life have to suck for me? Why is my live a living hell? Why am i so depressed all the time? Why did i do wrogn to deserve all this pain? If you know the answer to any of these or can help me out in anyway, contact me somehow. Thanks.
