Phil T. Jeux's Filthy Limericks

1) Any offence on this website is the sole property of the site creator and you may not take any without his express consent. All offence on this website is for display purposes only. DO NOT TAKE OFFENCE!
2) These limericks have all been writen by Phil T. Jeux , and are therefore his intelectual (if that is the right word) property.
3) This website is not meant to look good, and though it is meant to be funny, it probebly isnt.
4) All fictions potrayed here are personal. Any coherant order of words, or the corect spelling thereof is purely coincidental.
5) IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 SOME OF THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL MAY WARP YOUR UNDEVELOPED LITTLE MIND. GO AWAY YOU LITTLE BRAT!

Here's a disclaimer for this or that claimer who may claim to have claimed this or that.
Its a disclaimer for that sort of claimer who'll claim at the drop of at hat:

Lord of the Rings

Once during his long wondering
a Hobbit found a magic ring
an object quite rare
and a pleasure to wear
Who knew what great woe it would bring?

Though Bilbo once claimed that he won It
and had the ill luck to don It
you must understand
that unlike his hand
'pon his soul left not a Sore-on, It

"All the filth that's fit to flush"

Phil T. Jeux's Filthy Limericks

Holy Limericks

A fine man was Father McDougal
humble, mild and ever so frugal
in his noble search
to save funds for the church
he aquired free child porn through Google

There was a Mulah from Kabul
who worried about his poor tool
he cried of his ails:
'what good are four nails,
when the hammer is so miniscule?'

Padre, why do you loath lust?
do not turn away in disgust!
had your own mother
not lusted your father
you would not have been born I trust!

There once was a celebate monk
who was heard to say while he was drunk
"if a nun is God's wife
(thus her celebate life)
then what am I, Jesus' punk?"

There once was a jolly old preist
who was hornier than a wild beast
the sins of his mind
into some lads behind
were often from his soul released

A young Jewish student from Spain
who lived during Ferdinand's reign
was burned at the stake
then dunked in a lake
by a clerical error, that's plain.

There once was an old Nazi colenel
consigned to the Fires Eternal
one day he asked why,
and The Devil's reply:
"you see my old freind, Nazis burn well!"

There once lived a man of the cloth
who jerked off to the writings of Roth
thus did he repent
with his eyes heaven-bent:
"At least my hand's sin wasn't sloth!"

A Jew from the town of New York
was arrested for dining on pork
in rabinical court
thus did he report:
"It was all the fault of my fork!"

There once was a relegious schism
about blessing god with one's jizzem
some said its a sin
to rub one's hands in
a new prayer called annonism

Limericks to *hic* Drink

From FDR to Richard Nixon
What is it that everone's mixin'?
Polititions and writers
Movie stars and prizefighters
drink martinis when their nerves need fixin'!

A martini of vodka or dgin
Is a glass of tempting liquid sin
To drink a martini
's to swallow a genie
A powerfull spirit within!

I've has one too many a beer
and I've misunderstood you, I fear
and now you're quite wet
but please don't forget
that you asked me to come over here!

I heard of a red-blooded male
Whose puckup techinque's yet to fail
He fills chicks with booze
and waits till they snooze
then serves 'em his special 'cock-tail'!

101 Limericks
1 New Since 5/16/04

The following content's unclean
Don't view if you're under eighteen
Or if you're a prude
I wrote them in the nude
So it dosn't quite bear to be seen

The love that has no pulse

There once was a fellow named Ned
a casonova he was, it is said
but his conquests were cheap
love's fruit grimmly he'd reap
with great rigour for mortis in bed!

If Death is just a long night
then I think that it's only right
to do more than sleep
or count bloody sheep
but do as a living man might!

If judged by the lovers I keep
Then I ought to be dug six feet deep
for i'm never alone
with my bone in a bone
plus it's healthy, it's fun, and it's cheap

dead women more often than not
are available before they rot
though stiff as a rock
dead women dont talk
so its unlikely that you will get caught

so after these last few you've read
you can't take your mind off the dead
but if your will fails
dead men tell no tales
(except for new holes, enough said!)

A fifteen year-old necrophile
said he'd dig six feet or a mile
for he had a cold passion
for the fetish in fashion
And the living had gone out of style!

Diversions and Perversions

There was a man from Pyongyang
who had an aluminum wang
he had two tin nuts
that came with his putz
and when his dong hit them they rang

Here are my penile parameters
set in iambic pantameter:
my great manly shaft
tow'rs an inch and a half
but it's well over ten in diameter

A leather-clad young lass named Jane
said whilst swinging a long wooden cane:
"It's far better to give
than it is to recieve
and my pleasure is torture and pain"

There once was a young Hindu gent
who said to a lass as he went:
"though I'm of lower caste
you're a fine piece of ass
and you my dear must pay the rent"

There was once a fellow named Beene
his visage too vile to be seen
his poor oft scorned dong
lay unused for so long
that he lost his left nut to gangrene

There once was a widdow named Becker
who grew a great red-headed pecker
all the townsfolk would gawk
at her newly grown cock
a fine bird you have Widdow Becker!

A man from the small town of Tildon
whose boyfriend never fullfilled him
a confirmed sex-a-holic
said after a frolic
"Rectum? It nearly killed 'um!"

In a chatroom a man from Iraq
boasted proudly of his nine-inch cock
all replied "its so tall!"
but he typed "no, its small
for I bred it from short chicken stock!"

A young student from Cambridge, Mass.
once a' lusted after a lass
a long story short:
he wasn't her sort
now he sits with his thumb up his ass

Under the sands of Karakum
lies a horseman in a stone tomb
remembered in song
for his sixteen-inch dong
his horse tripped on it, twas his doom!

There once was a fellow named Floyd
who had an inflamed hemaroid
which when fully blown
was hard as a stone
and many a phalus destroyed

In a young Canadian's crotch
there lives a ferocious Sasquatch
and one day said he
"how long is my Yeti?
a whole great Big Foot of debauch!"

A senile old fellow of Lowing
said "the signs of my age are showing
though not yet impotent
I'm incontinent:
I don't know if I'm coming or going!

There once was a man from Peru
who wanted a fifteen cent screw
"I ain't no hardware store"
said the first aproached whore
"So it'll cost much more to you"

There once was a whore of Belize
whose tits reached the tops of her knees
while plying her pair
she said "they pay to stare
for not a man can handle these!"

Once said a young fellow named Bill
who took daily the birth control pill:
"its all covered, man
by my medical plan
and i've grown tits to play with at will!"

There once lived a virgin in Cork
who thought babes were deleivered by stork
she was in for a fright
on her wedding night
when she learned the 'stork' was made of pork!

A man from the south of the Somme
was charged with molesting a gnome
the pervert protested
"why was I arrested?
do I fancy the wee folk alone?"

There once was a man from Bel Aire
who never clipped his pubic hair
he was heard to say
"I hope she's OK
and doesn't get too lost in there!"

A Mormon who lived in Rochester
played golf with his wife. Couldn't best her
at a any one hole
except for the sole
one for which in Utah they'd arrest her!

No matter how lowly your station
you stand with the lords of your nation
you stand with your king
when you beat on your thing
In the common great male occuaption

A well-known young doctor from wales
prescribed pissing on the third rail
his colleuges may deem
his methods extreme
but his patients complain of no ails

There once was a fellow named Jock
with a most insatiable cock
his wife, so I hear
out of cruelty or fear
keeps it under a chain and a lock

At his wedding a young man named Bing
was arrested for flashing his thing
but the judge understands
that poor Bing has no hands
so where else could he wear the ring?

There once was a warrior of France
who ran off without his pants
for he had been seen
quite close to the Queen
and brandishing his mighty lance!

There once was a man that I knew
who tried to teach squirels how to screw
his bruises and cuts
and cracked open nuts
may prove a good lesson to you!

There once was a nurse from upstate
who helped handless men masturebate
but if one wanted love
without a latex glove
he paid quite a premium rate

There once was a fellow named Roddy
who was trapped in a woman's body
her thearapist said
it was all in her head
but it was his 'head' in her body!

There once lived a young lass named Nash
who rented herself out for cash
out of folly or boredom
I apealed to Her Whoredom
the next morn i awoke with a rash

If you call me it is a sure bet
that i am getting my winkie wet
I can't pick up the phone
while she's down on my bone
but she will soon give me headset!

Want to know 'bout this site's creator?
He is a world-class masturbater
He once won the Gold
for his famous choke hold
And hopes there is more to come later

The wonderous Elixer Elixer;
a garanteed relationship fixer!
foolish young Dingus
din' give cunnilingus
but now after drinking 'e licks 'er...

* A cartoon (click here)

* www.snarkalec.com

* 1 new limerick.

2001 Space Oddeties

There once was a trav'ler from Mars
Who frequented Venus' bars
He often would wheeze
"venerial deseise!
And now my God, its full of stars!"

I hope that I never again
Cross paths with those little green men
They made me disrobe
And then gave me the probe
Would they have thus treated John Glenn?

I greatly fear for the safety
of a Yoda that is latex-free
the bare CGI
may make Star Wars die
of some terrible new STD!

A Xenomorph-infested bird
is scary though somewhat absurd
your cars' windsheilds
are doomed for it weilds
its fell weapon: the acid turd!

Political(current/outdated)

We'll invade at the drop of a hat
install thugs where a government sat
and when they attack
we'll be taken aback
like damned fool who ate where he shat

He don't care if the polls say no
so says the face he does show
but this song and dance
this damn-the-polls stance
he takes because the polls say so

This elevati'n to code or'nge
won't on Dubbya's me-time infringe
he says "screw the alarm
non can do me harm
when I'm with my fav'rite syringe"

Why do men of the Ku Klux Klan
cover as much skin as they can?
yes even at night
the fools wear the white
for they fear they may get a sun tan!

Strom Thurman, a freind of the Klan
who Lot called a great American
was a dirty rat
when he was Dixiecrat
and still when he turned Dixiecan!

The issiue of race segregation
's more then party affiliation
but more likely than not
our Senetor Lot
would vote party line for damnation

A coke feind and a confirmed lush
Has only a button to push
so we'll glow in the dark;
someone get a narc:
DEA save us from this Bush!

There now lives a millionaire
who sponsers terror in the air
my question is why
such an afluent guy
'd stop feasting long enough to care

A fellow if given the chance
in his constant search for romance
his master's career
would ruin I fear
once lived in a President's pants

Wether it is the national debt
or some terrible terrorist threat
you can see from the smug
and bored look on his mug
that such things do not cause Bush to fret

The worthy New Yorker named Bratton
Guliani's old General Patton
may shortly be seen
under new Mayor Mark Green
as Gestapo cheif of Manhatan

We once had a mayor in my town
who's smile was a less severe frown
he had all the humor
of his prostate's tumor
he'd be happier wearing a crown

Whomever the Democrats pick
be it even Ted Kennedy's prick
they are sure to win
for like the rest of his kin,
this Bush is quite easy to lick!

Who knew that vice-president Gore
whom millions of libirals adore
is in such despair
that he thinks facial har
may help him in two-thousand four

Whatever's the mess that he's in
be it even one caused by his kin
it's fair to assume,
to belive and presume
that the President blames Bin Ladin

There once was a Moslem fanatic
who kept dynamite in his attic
with a wink and a nod
his said that Jihad
was a matter completely dogmatic

Fractured Fairies' Tails

Goldylocks was prowling at night
when three bears came into her sight
Father Bear's was too small
while mom had none at all
but the 'Little' Bear: his was just right!

There once was a Little Meremaid
who wanted legs just to get laid
but she was quite perplexed
when after they sexed
her 'prince' got his coin purse and paid!

A Poet named Jeux

Sternly warned that the magazine
is quite choosey 'bout what lies therein
My face was quite red
when the editior said
'All verse here must be strictly clean'

I thought she was being contrary
she said "tis a mag literary
and content obscene
would cause quite a scene
your naughty verse is just too scary!"

Gentle readers, I was quite distraught
clenching fists I said "this shall be fought!"
She said "why don't you
write a nice Haiku?"
so my anger had come to naught.

But why deviate from the norm?
the next day I wrote up a storm.
with eyes heavenbent
I hereby present
my response in my favorite form:

There once lived a poet named Jeux
who only composed in Haiku
but for all the praise
for his wit and set phrase
He's read less then he is reveiwed

Mostly Clean

There once was a fellow named Sutton
who was a notorious glutton
when he sat down to feast
neither man nor beast
was safe from a quick-flying button

There once was a man from LA
Who ate twenty big macs a day
he trod on a cat
and crushed the beast flat
now he has a new cat-hair toupee

Did this line describe Yorik best:
"a fellow of infinite jest"?
it suits him quite well
for a grin eternal
he wore during his disturbed rest

There once was a fellow named Oscar
who had slept in many a box car
he feared not anthrax
such fearsome attacks
are less dangerous than his socks are

Life is full of joy and of sorrow
our time we don't own but just borrow
so don't waste your time
to do so is a crime
here to day, pentagone tomorrow

I once took the F train from Queens
That was stuffed like a can of sardines
though it was quite terrible
it would've bearable
if I wasn't digesting fried beans

There once was a black-hearted knave
who sold me some pills at a rave
the bastard had gall!
he sold me Tolynol
instead of the substance I crave!

There once as a test that I took
with the help of a hidden text book
veiled under a sneeze
(these I fake with great ease)
I when needed would take a quick look

While playing his sick little game
a hacker took aim at my AIM
sure I can afford
to change my password
but i'm going to miss my screen-name!

Hello, good day, how are you?
I'm Philip Tiberius Jeux
with a tight pocketbook
and a nose like a hook
I'm the epitome of a phil t. jeux

This here is a rule you can't bend:
Rhyme line one and line two with the end
The third and the fourth
Must rhyme also of course
And please mind the meter, my freind!

I saw all the food I could wish
From pork chops to a kosher k'nish
But what is it to me?
It was all on TV
in my hands only sat-a-light dish!

If you liked a limerick or two
Don't be shy to tell Phil T. Jeux
He lives for your praise
In his drug-induced daze
And really wants to hear from you!

Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!

The Competition

There once was a cocky old blighter
with a website called "limerickwriter"
he pimps out his verse
mine is gratis of course
mine's younger, desiese-free and tighter

He charges a ten dollar fee
so why not contract one from me?
just give me your name
you'll be glad you came
Don't pay for praise, get insults for free!

The Secret Of My "Sucsess"

Okey then I won't keep you waiting
for the secret of my Google rating
to demoz I've submitted
they're kind to the half-witted
and to those who post whilst masturbating

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Yay for link swapping!

Limericks Gone To Pot

An ernest young stoner from Sydney
said "weed? organ damage? you kid me!
unless you mean, mate
that in your relaxed state
the Yakuza might harvest a kidney"

Once said an old begger of Kish
"A Djin once did grant me a wish
the great demon spoke
out of a cloud of smoke
but alas all that smoke was hashish!"

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You are pervert #

Added 12/14/03

I thank those who patiantly waited
for this page to be updated
a pox on the rest
who think it'd be best
if I were locked up and sedated

Added 03/10/04

Added 05/16/04