Rosshanging up after taking message from KC for Rachel: "What uh, what does he want with her?"
Chandler: "I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...you know, make a little love...pretty much get down tonight."
Chandler: "Ding dong...the psycho's gone!"
Joey: "Hey! Some girl ate Monica."
Monica: "Oh, shut up! The camera adds ten pounds."
Channdler: "Ahhh...so how many cameras are actually on you?"
Chandlerto Joey in reference to Monica: "Hey Joey, be a pal. Lift my arm and smack her with it."
Monica: "Alright. I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing."
Chandler: "Well, how do you find clothes that fit?"
Chandler: "Joey's the one who wants to boff the maniac."
Joey: "You know how you always think you're really good in bed?"
Chandler: "The fact that you'd even ask that shows how little you know me."
Joey: "Well, last night, I couldn't do all the stuff that normally makes me great, and I had to do all this other stuff. And the reaction I got, man, it was like a ticker-tape parade!"
Chandler: "Yes, I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route."
Ross: "Do you guys know who Carl is?"
Chandler: "Let's see...Alvin...Simon...Theodore...no."
Eddie: "Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man?"
Chandler: "Hannibal Lector...better rommate than you."
Chandler: "Daaahhhh!"
Monica: "Aaaaaahhh! Aaaaaahhhh!"
Chandler: "Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching."
Monica: "I wa.."
Chandler: "Uh-uh"
Susie: "OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?"
Chandler: "He wasn't masturbating. He was looking for his bus money."
Chandler: "I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant."
Chandler: "Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done!"
Phoebe: "Stick a fork what?"
Chandler: "Like when you're cooking a steak."
Phoebe: "Oh, OK, I don't eat meat."
Chandler: "Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?"
Phoebe: "Well you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell."
Chandler: "OK, then, eat me, I'm done."
Chandler: "Hey, big guy. Game time!"
Richard: "Be right there."
Monica: "There's a game?"
Chandler: "Uh, yeah. I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel!"
Chandler: "OK - hating this."
Ross: "Wha...OK, now how do you know that?"
Phoebe: "Because she's your lobster"
Chandler: "Oh, she's goin' somewhere!"
Chandlerregarding Alan: "I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone."
Susie: "Oh, shoot! We gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes."
Chandler: "Oh no no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more than two, three minutes tops."
Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."
Joey: "Hey, hey, check it out! Guess what I got?"
Chandler: "Rhythm?"
Joey: "How young is Young Ethan?"
Monica: "He's our age."
Chandler: "When we were....?"
Chandler regarding Eddie: "Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean, that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is standing in the window holding a human head!!!!
Chandler: "Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon."
Chandler: "What?" realizes the woman walked away because of the bracelet Joey gave him "Oh this is excellent. You know, he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no. He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap."
Richard: "Well, we had a table in college."
Chandler: "Oh really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800s!"
Eddie: "Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
Chandler: "Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out."
Chandlerto Ross and Rachel: "You know, it's hard to hear you guys when you lower your voices like that."
Chandlerto Joey: "When I open my eyes, you'd better be wearing clothes!"
Ross: "Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surpise Marcel."
Chandler: "You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you knw, isn't capable of that emotion."
Chandler: "I just don't have that much chefing experience...unless it's an all-toast restuarant."
Susie: "Here's an idea...have you ever worn women's underwear?"
Chandler: "Well, ye, yes, actually. But, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's and there were three of us in there."
Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."
Chandler: "Sounds like a date to me."
Chandler regarding Eddie: "Good-bye you fruit-drying psychopath!"
Joey: "OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
Chandler: "That's how radio stars escape stalkers!"
Chandler: "You - move out! Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!"
Eddie: "You, you want, you want me to move out?"
Chandler: "Uh-huh."
Eddie: "I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, kinda out of the blue. I mean, don't you think?"
Chandler: "This is not out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue."
Phoebe: "I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so that you guys could watch TV with your feet up."
Chandler: "They were chair-shaped cows. They never would've survived in the wild."
Chandler: "You're just...you're just clearly not familiar with our young person's vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal."
Richard: "Uh-huh. Yeah."
Chandler: "No, no, seriously. Joey's my dad. Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."
Chandlerto Susie: "Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?...You're swell!"
Monicalooking at Ben: "I can't believe one of us actually has one of these."
Chandler: "I know. I still am one of these."
Chandler: "Hey Rach, we've gotta settle."
Rachel: "Settle what?"
Chandler: "The ..ah.. Jamestown colony in Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land and ..."
Joeyreferring to the bracelet he gave to Chandler: "You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?"
Chandler: "Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track."
Chandler to "hot" girls: We do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling milieu."
Rachel: "Well, so what are you gonna do?"
Ross: "Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is."
Chandler: "That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales."
Monica: "God, this is so hard, I can't decide between lamb or duck."
Chandler: "Of course lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would've been called, The Silence of the Ducks."
Chandler regarding Joey's porcelain dog: "So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog."
Phoebe: "Oh, that's him!"
Chandler: "Damn! My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet."
Monica: "Alright, people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!"
Chandler: "Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles."
Monica: "Oh, ummm, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was, uh, a little bigger then."
Chandler: "Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained."
Rachel: "Oh my God!"
Joey: "What is with your nose?"
Rachel: "They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum."
Chandler: "OK. I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut."
Eddie: "Ah-ah-ah. You know what this is?"
Chandler: "Your last roommate's kidney?"
Chandler: "You know maybe this isn't such a big deal you know. Umm... the way I see it is, you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas!"
Ross: "For your information it's a 'card sharp' not a 'card shark'."
Russ: "You could not _be_ more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful."
Chandler: "OK, I'm going to get some coffee before the pinching and eye poking begins."
Joey: "I can't believe it's Christmas already, ya know. I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing you know your lords are a leapin' and your geese are a layin'."
Chandler: "Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year."
Joey: "Well, they switched me over to Hombre "
Chandler: "Maybe it's because of the way you're dressed."
Phoebe: "No. Uh-uh. No way. Not gonna happen."
Chandler: "Whoa. Whoa. Prom night flashback!"
Susie: "How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?"
Chandler: "Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it."
Chandlersinging to Ross: "Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room...Hi neighbor!"
Phoebe: "Um, one of my clients died on my massage table today."
Chandler: "Well, that's, uh, a little more relaxed than you want them to get."
Phoebeafter losing at poker: "I want you to know that this money is cursed. Uh huh, I cursed it. So now, bad things will happen to he who spends it."
Chandler: "I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way, I can break them up with a movie."
Susie: "It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it."
Chandler: "Oh, right. Well, yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp."
Chandler: "What's this?"
Joey: "Eight hundred and twelve bucks."
Chandler: "Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya, but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night."
Chandlerto Joey who's surrounded with pasta: "Woah, woah! So I'm guessing you didn't get the part or, uh, Italy called and said it was hungry."
Joeyat Carol and Susan's wedding: "It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women and...nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly."
Chandler: "Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding."
Joey: "Hey Chand, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back."
Chandler: "Oh yeah, right. Including the waffles last week, you now owe me...seventeen jillion dollars."
Phoebe: "You know what we should do? We should do like a soap opera theme."
Chandler: "Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together then one of us could get amnesia."
Chandler: "We're not running today. It's Sunday.
Monica: "So what?"
Chandler: "It's Sunday, Monica. It's God's day.
Chandlerin Central Perk where Ross is staring at Rachel: "Could you want her anymore?"
Ross: "Who?"
Chandler: "Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening?."
Ross: "This is so exciting! I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year."
Chandler: "What, you never look down in the shower?"
Chandler: "She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men."
Chandlerto a guest at the lesbian wedding: "Alright, look. Penis schmenis, OK. We're all people."
Eddie: "OK, then I want to hear you say it. I, I want to hear you say you want me out."
Chandler: "I want you out."
Eddie: "No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips."
Chandler: "Where did you hear it from before?"
Chandler: "I had about a mug full in this lovely, 'I Got Boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug."
Chandlerto Joey: "I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret. Much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now..."
Chandler: "Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore."
Chandler: "Could we get some help here? It's kind of an emergency. But I guess you knew that, or else we'd be in the Predicament Room."
Joey: "I can't go with you yelling at me like that!"
Chandler: turns away and then walks behind Joey "COME ON! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"
Joey: "Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet!"
Chandler: "I so am."
Joey's Girlfriend: "There is a child inside this man."
Chandler: "Yes, the doctors say that if they remove it he'll die."
Chandler: "Could this report be any later?"
Joey and Ross: "My scone. My scone."
Chandler: "That is so not...that is so not...oh shut up!"
Phoebe: "Oh, oh, oh. Guess what?
Chandler: "The last dentist caved and now all five recommend Trident?
Chandler: "See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes."
Joey and Ross: (looking confused)
Chandler: "Me!"
Joey: "I may only have a couple of drinks in me, but I love you man!"
Chandler: "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."
Ross: "Four-letter word for circle..."
Chandlerto the phone: "Ring, dammit, ring!"
Ross: "Thank you"
Joey: "How do you get a monkey into a zoo?"
Chandler: "I know that one! (long pause) No - that's Pope's into a Volkswagon."
Joey: "How do I look?"
Chandlerlooking at Joey: "I...don't...care."
Phoebe: "How many Espressos have you had?"
Chandler: "Oh I don't know...A MILLION!"
Ross: "There was always this little voice inside that siad, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?"
Chandler: "God?"
Ross: "It was you, pal."
Chandler: "Well, maybe it was just God doing me."
Joey: "You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler: "No!"
Joey: "Yeah, he was some Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You think you would've known that."
Chandler: "You think I would've!"
Ross: "I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I going to raise a kid?"
Chandler: "You know Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkies and babies are actually different."
Ronni: "Most people when their pets pass on, they want them laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you'll get the person who'll want them in a pose, like chasing their tail...or jumping to catch a frisbee."
Chandler: "Joey, if I go first, I want to be 'looking for my keys.'"
Monica: "You know, sometimes it just doesn't work out."
Chandler: "And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?"
Joey: "She wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: "Crazy bitch!"
Chandler: "I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey."
Chandler: "Smoking is cool, and you guys know it.
Ross: "I just got back from the vet."
Chandler: "She's not gonna make you wear one of those cone things is she?"
Chandler to Ross: "Motherkisser!
Chandler on phone: "I got her machine."
Joey: "Her answering machine?"
Chandler: "No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up."
Chandler: "Hey look, it's a monkey with a Ross on it's ass."
Chandler to his mom: "You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect."
Ross: "I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her."
Chandler: "Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used."
Chandlerlifting his glass: "I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here. I know this isn't the Thanksgiving any of you planned. But for me, this has been really great, mostly because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting."
Joeyto Ross: "Yes, now is when you swoop. You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks outta there, the first guy Rachel sees is you. She's gotta know that you're everything he's not. You're, like, the Anti-Paolo."
Chandler: "My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught, you're there for her, you pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the Age of Ross."
Joey: "All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?"
Chandler: "Okay, it's his first time, so he's probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room."
Joey: "I loved high school. You know, it was just, like, four years of parties and dating and sex..."
Chandler: "Yeah, well, I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would have involved a major lifestyle choice."
Chandlerto the camera after Jill Goodacre kisses him: "Hi. Um, I'm account number 71435757. And, um, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape."
Chandlerto his boss: "Ms. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you."
Phoebe: "If you want, call her machine. If she has a lot of beeps, it probably means she hasn't picked up her messages yet."
Chandler: "You don't think that seems a little..."
Ross: "Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?"
Chandler: "You obviously saw my personal ad."
Chandler to Marcel: "Goodbye Champ. OK, I know there's going to be a lot of babes in San Diego, but there's also a lot to learn."
Chandler to Joey: "If you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be standing at the business end of a hissy fit."
Chandler: "You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies."
Rachel: "'Nice?' They were 'nice'? I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'."
Chandler: "Okay. Rock . . hard place . . me"
Monica: "And that's a shut-down!"
Joey & Chandler: "Shut-OUT!"
Chandler to Joey: "Too many jokes...must mock Joey!"
Ross: "The doctor got the 'K' out. They also found an 'M' and an 'O.'"
Chandler: "We think he was trying to spell out 'Monkey.'"
Chandlerto Ross: "Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her."
Chandler: "Oh, look, it's the woman we ordered."
Chandler: "She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy."
Chandler: "Don't we look nice all dressed up? [pause] It's thin gs like that, isn't it?"
Chandler: "Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!"
Phoebe: "This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us."
Chandler: "That's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies."
Rachel: "Chandler, I've got to tell you, I love your mom's books. I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one. This is so cool."
Chandler: "Yeah, well, it's not so cool when you're eleven and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch."
Chandler: "Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking's cool and you know it."
Chandler: "Oh! I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding."
Chandler: "Joey, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade."
Chandler: "Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?"
Ross: "Do you have a point?"
Chandler: "You'd think I would."
Chandler: "Aaaand, BVRRRRT to you too Helen."
Chandler: "I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking."
Phoebe: "I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years! "
Chandler: "And this is my reward!"
Ross: "Hold on just a second, think about what you went through the last time you stopped."
Chandler: "Ok! So this time I won't quit!"
Chandler: "...You throw my W.E.N.U.S. out of whack."
Chandler to Jill Goodacre: "You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection."
JillGives Chandler an odd look and a piece of gum
Chandlerto himself: "Gum would be perfection?? Gum would be perfection?? Could have said, 'gum would be nice' or 'I'll have a stick.' But, noooo. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself."
Rachel: Men can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'm trying that.
Chandler: "And that's the Chrysler building"
Ross: "What about Phoebe's birthday?"
Joey: "Is that today? What are the odds?!"
{long pause}
Ross: "You take you time."
{Joey gets it}
Chandler: "Theeeeeere it is!"
Chandler: "I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.'"
Joeyto Ross: "Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt."
Chandlerwalking in: "It's okay. It's okay. I was always rooting for you two guys to get together."
Chandler: "All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers...it doesn't make much of a difference."
Chandler: "We sure showed those Hassidic jewelers a thing or two about softball."
Chandler: "Um, Helen drinks...will you marry me?"
Chandler: "You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days."
Chandler: "Could she be anymore out of my league? Right now, I' m very conscious of my tongue."
Chandler: "I know that when the right girl comes along you'll have the strength and courage to say, "No thanks, I'm married."
Chandler: "Well, what kind of a relationship do you see us havi ng considering you have your foot so far up my leg that you can count the change in my pocket?"
Ross: "Since you saw her boobies, I think you're going to have to show her your pee-pee." Chandler: "You know, I don't see that happening."
Rachel: "Come on. He's right. Tit for tat."
Chandler: "Well, I'm not showing you my tat."
Joey: "Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma, like she wanted. My ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know, even though she does. And my little sister Tina can't see her husband anymore 'cause he got a restraining order -- which has nothing to do with anything, except that I found out today."
Rachel: "Wow."
Chandler: "Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain."
Chandler: "That's a realtively open weave and I can still see y our... nipular region."
Chandlerto Joey on the phone: "I'm tsfraphpd ain en ATM vrehstifpool wriphd JVILHL GROOFDACPHRE!"
Joey: "I can't sleep in my underwear."
Chandler: "Well, you're gonna."
Chandler: "Or, 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics, and complaining about them - to you .'"
Ross: "A thumb?!"
Phoebe: "I know, I know."
All: "Ewwwwwwwwwww!"
Phoebe: "I opened it up, and there it was just floating there, like this tiny little hichhiker."
Chandler: "Well maybe its a contest, you know? Like collect all five?"
Chandler: "This knapsack is a parachute!"
Chandlerafter refusing gum from Jill Goodacre: "What the hell was that? Mental note: if Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you a mangled animal carcass, you take it."
Chandler: "Ewwww, Lambchop. How old is that sock?! I f I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too."
Monica: "Come on. Five more push-ups."
Chandler: "I can't do it."
Monica: "Five more and I'll flash you."
Chandler: "One...two...two and a half. Alright, show me one." |
