If Only

Set in 1995, but the timeline is a little different. Carol and Ross are still married, and Chandler is only just moving in. Joey isn't in the fic at all (sorry).

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***1995***

"Mon?" Ross said, going into his sister's apartment.

"Hi!" she said, coming into the livingroom from her bedroom.

"Where's Rach?" he asked, plucking a biscuit from the tray Monica had just baked.

"Phoebe's," she answered.

"I can't stay, I just stopped by to tell you that someone we know is moving in across the hall from you," Ross said.

"Oh? Who?" Monica asked, interested.

"You remember my old college roommate, Chandler Bing?" he asked. Monica froze. She remembered Chandler alright. "Monica?" Ross said, waving his hand in front of her face. She hadn't moved or spoken for several minutes.

"Huh? Oh sorry," she said. "Chandler's moving in across the hall?" she asked, needing to make sure.

"Yeah. On Friday," Ross confirmed.

"What? That's only two days away!"

"Yeah, he has to move out quickly because his old apartment building is being torn down," Ross explained. "Look, I'll ask him to stop by on Friday, after he's moved all his stuff. I gotta run now though, Carol's invited a friend of her's from the gym round for dinner and I have to change."

"No, no, he doesn't have to come by," Monica said hastily.

"No, he'll want to get to know his new neighbours," Ross said, a little confused at Monica's reluctance. She was normally very friendly and he had expected she would have been keen to help Chandler settle in. "Anyway, bye Mon," he said, hurrying out.

"Bye," Monica called after him. She sighed as soon as he was gone and the door was closed behind him. She had thought she would never have to see Chandler Bing ever again. She didn't want to see him ever again.

Monica toyed with the idea of deliberately being out all day Friday, but to be sure of avoiding Chandler, she would have to be out all evening. And to do that, it would be easiest to stay with a guy. The only problem was, she didn't know many guys, and none who she could stay with overnight. And there was Rachel.

Eventually she realised there was no point trying to avoid him. If he was moving in across the hall, she could hardly avoid him forever. She'd have to see him sooner or later, and the more she put it off, the worse it would be. Monica wondered if Ross had told Chandler who his new neighbour would be. But she supposed it wouldnt' be such a big deal to him anyway.

Monica spent the entire day on Friday worrying. She straightened everything around the apartment, driving Rachel to seek sanctuary at Ross's. But Monica thought at least that meant Ross wouldn't be with Chandler when he came over. She was still deciding whether that was a good thing or not when there was a knock on the door. She jumped up startled, then forced herself to calm down enough to answer the door. She told herself it probably wasn't even Chandler after all.

Unfortunately for Monica, it was Chandler, and he was just as cute as she remembered him, more so now he'd lost the stupid haircut and the stupid clothes. Now his hair was slightly spiked and he was wearing jeans and a casual blue shirt. Monica simply stared at him, which made Chandler feel a little uncomfortable.

"Hi, Monica, right?" Chandler said, offering his hand. She ignored it, so after a few seconds he with drew his hand and shoved it deep into his pocket. "So, are you gonna ask me in?" he said awkwardly. Monica mentally shook herself. So he was gorgeous, that didn't mean he had matured at all in the last seven years, or that letting herself get involved with him would be a good idea.

"Uh, sure," she said, stepping back to let him in. Chandler walked in, wondering as he did so whether he was doing the right thing.

"Nice apartment," he said politely.

"Thanks," she replied with a small smile.

"Its like ten times bigger than my place," he said, looking round.

"Yeah," she agreed, feeling like she had to say something. "Chandler,"

"Monica," he began at the same time.

"You go," she said.

"Okay, from the fact that Ross is still talking to me, and was happy about me moving in here, I'm guessing you never told him about, um, Thanksgiving," Chandler said.

"No, I figured there was no point hurting him as well," Monica said. Chandler frowned. Did she mean it had hurt her? Or that she thought it had hurt him?

"Yeah," he agreed. "So, what were you going to say?"

"What? Oh, nothing," she said, realising how stupid it would sound.

"No, what was it?" he asked, touching her arm encouragingly.

"Really, it was nothing," she insisted.

"Okay then, well um, you wanna share a pizza with me? I have no food and I don't feel like eating alone," Chandler invited. Monica tensed.

"I don't know Chandler, is that really a good idea?" she said.

"Well, okay, maybe you're right. But I figure, we're gonna live so close, maybe its time we got over, that," he said.

"I guess you're right, but I can't tonight anyway, I already have plans," she said.

"Oh sorry, you have a boyfriend?" he asked, then regretted it. He didn't want her to think he was coming onto her.

"No, actually my plans are just arriving," she said, pointing to the doorway, where Ross and Rachel were just coming in.

"Hey Chandler," Ross greeted his friend. He kissed Monica on the cheek.

"Hi Mom," Rachel said, hugging Monica. "Who's this?" she asked, looking at Chandler, who's eyes had gone wide.

"This is Chandler Bing, Chandler this is Rachel," Monica introduced them nervously.

"Hi," Rachel said cheerfully, then went into her room. Monica, who had blushed red was busy straightening the couch cushions, avoiding looking at Chandler.

"Dude, how come you never told me your sister had a daughter?" Chandler asked Ross in a whisper.

"I dunno, I guess it never came up," Ross said. Chandler supressed several sarcastic comments. Ross hadnt' told him because he hadn't expected him to care. Chandler had never mentioned that he had always had a crush on Monica ever since she got thin and had been half hoping to ask her out now they were reunited. Clearly that was now out of the question.

"I have to go," Chandler said, making as if to leave. Ross, I dont' suppose you wanna share a pizza?" he offered, partly because he wanted company, and also so Monica wouldn't think when he asked her that he had been hitting on her or anything like that.

"Sure. Carol's out with her friend," he told Monica, who nodded, even though she wasn't really listenin

* * *

***1988***

When she walked downstairs in her tight, sexy dress, Monica had never felt more terrified in her life. She was beginning to wish she hadn't let Rachel talk her into this, until the look on Chandler's face reminded her why she had lost the weight. She wanted him to like her, having spent the entire year imagining him as perfect while she ate what her Dad called rabbit food and went jogging at the crack of dawn everyday.

"Hi Chandler," she said casually.

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, amazed that anyone could have lost so much weight and look so beautiful. She looked like a different person to the one he had met last year. Monica was delighted.

"What's the matter, is there something on my dress?" she asked, turning slowly to let him see her new, thin body.

"You just, you look so different. Terrific," he said, trying not to sound as shocked as he felt, but he wasn't very good at hiding it. "That dress, that body," he went on, then instantly wished he hadn't.

"Dude!" Ross said sharply.

"Sorry," Chandler said quickly.

Monica sulked while her Mom and Ross gushed about Carol. She waited until all the Carol worshipping was over, then excused herself, feeling Chandler's eyes on her as she walked into the kitchen. Rachel followed and gave Monica advice on how to seduce Chandler. Moncia wasn't sure how much of it she believed, but Rachel was the one with the experience. She would know how to do this. When Rachel told Monica Chandler was coming and hurried out, she felt a mixture of nervousness and excitment.

"Monica, I was wondering if you could make me some of that rightous mac 'n' cheese, like last year," he said, sounding super-casual.

"I'd love to," she said, and rushed up to do so. She took the oppertunity to practise what Rachel had told her. She was balancing a box, carrots and a knife, and Chandler was looking at her very strangely.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and nearly cutting her ear off as she did so.

"You don't seem fine," he observed.

"Okay, you know what, I'm not fine," she said, putting down the things she was holding.

"What's up?" Chandler asked.

"I, uh, I like you," she stammered, not knowing how to tell him. Chandler responded by kissing her passionately, his arms wrapped around her back, holding her close as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. Monica tensed a little at first, but she soon relaxed and got into the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck. They were interrupted when Rachel came in and cleared her throat loudly. Slowly Monica and Chandler pulled away from each other. With a guilty look on his face, Chandler stepped away from her.

"Chandler, Ross wants to talk to you," Rachel said, holding back a laugh. Chandler glanced at Monica and left to go see what Ross wanted. "Oh My God!" Rachel squealed.

"I know," Monica said in a shocked voice.

"Now do you feel like you got him back?" Rachel asked.

"What?" All thoughts of revenge had floated out of her head the moment Chandler's lips touched hers. Rachel sighed and gave up, Monica was obviously out of it.

"Your Mom's looking for you," she said.

"What have I done wrong now?" Monica asked, exasperated.

"I dunno, something about the mashed potatoes being too lumpy," Rachel said.

"Story of my life," Monica muttered, going off to see what her mother had to say to her.

* * *

***1995***

Monica fell asleep with that day, and that kiss on her mind. She hadn't kissed all that many guys in her life, but she thought that no matter how many guys she kissed, none would even compare to Chandler.

In the morning, Monica and Rachel were eating breakfast when Ross came in. He often came over for breakfast, since Carol sometimes left the apartment very early in the morning. However, this morning, he was accompanied by Chandler. Moncia looked at him in shock, trying not to show how nervous his presense made her.

"Hi," she said, "You guys want breakfast?"

"Sure," Ross said, helping himself to some cereal.

"Uh, okay," Chandler said, following Ross and getting some Cornflakes.

Rachel sensed that something was going on, because Monica was unusually quiet. Chandler noticed too and felt bad for forcing his presense on her so early in the morning, but he hadn't been able to think of a way to tell Ross he didn't want to come over without sounding rude.

After work, Chandler stopped by Monica's apartment, meaning to apologise for that morning. Monica only worked parttime, lunctimes at a local restuarant so she could be home to look after Rachel when she was there.

"Hi," he greeted her. Monica looked up from the couch, where she and Rachel were watching TV.

"Hey," she said, surprised to see him again, "Honey, why don't you go play with your dolls in your room?" she suggested as Rachel's cartoon ended.

"Okay," Rachel agreed and disappeared into her bedroom.

"Monica, I really would like us to be friends," Chandler said, before Monica could say a word.

"Me too, but," she started, but he interrupted. Chandler wanted to say his piece before she got a chance to list all the reasons why them being friends wouldn't work.

"I know Mon, but it was seven years ago, we were just messing around," he said. "We shouldn't get hung up about it." Monica had to bite her lip to stop herself saying something she'd regret. So it wasn't important to him, huh?

"Yeah, you're right," she said tightly.

"Look, I can't stay. Ross and I are going to a Knicks game. I just wanted to clear things up okay?" Chandler said casually. He hoped he was doing a better job of hiding his feelings than Monica was. She looked flustered and, he thought, a little upset. Monica was on the verge of agreeing again, but found she couldn't do it.

"No, Chandler, its not okay," she said. Chandler raised his eyebrows in surprise. Did Monica want there to be something between them? She stood up and took a few steps towards him then stopped. "Its not okay," she repeated. She took a few more steps towards Chandler, but stopped again. She wanted to his him, but she wasn't used to making the first move. Chandler realised this and decided to see if he was right to suspect she wanted to kiss him. He moved forward and gently kissed her. Monica kissed him back and the two of them sank into the kiss. She was transported back to Thanksgiving 1988.

* * *

***1988***

It was later that night, just after ten o'clock. Monica was in her bedroom reading, not seeing any point remaining downstairs, where Ross was babbling on about Carol and her parents agreed with everything the little prince said. And Chandler's eyes on her all the time. The way he looked at her and followed her movements with his eyes creaped her out.

There was a knock on her bedroom door. Monica looked up surprised. none of her family ever knocked.

"Come in," she said, closing her book and putting it carefully away.

"Thanks," Chandler said, opening the door.

"Hi," Monica smiled. She moved on the bed to allow Chandler to sit down, but he stayed where he was, standing just inside the doorway. He was afraid of what might happen if he got too close to her. Chandler quietly closed the door, not wanting her family to overhear them.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Are you, did you, uh, are you okay?" Monica stammered.

"What? Oh yeah, sure. Uh, you?" he asked, not really sure how to respond.

"Uh huh," she said, studying her hands to avoid looking at him.

"Monica?" he said. She didn't look up. "Monica, please look at me." She did so reluctantly. "Uh, you told me you liked me," he said, beginning to regret coming up here. He was only making them both uncomfortable.

"I do," she whispered. He smiled.

"I really like you too you know," he said. She finally looked up at him, to make sure he was serious. He seemed to be telling the truth. She didn't know what to say. Chandler sensed this and smiled comfortingly.

"You can sit down if you want," Moncia invited. Chandler smiled and sat down near her.

This time it was Monica who initiated the kiss, leaning close and softly brushing her lips against his. Chandler wanted to push his tongue into her mouth, but resisted the impulse to allow her to make the move. After a few seconds Monica flicked her tongue against his lips and Chandler opening his mouth, welcoming her tongue.

Chandler put his hands to the back of her head and edged slightly closer to her. Monica's hands soon followed suit and linked around his neck.

When they eventually broke the kiss to breath, Chandler stared at her. She was so beautiful. Her usually pale cheeks were flushed, her eyes dark with desire, her lips slightly parted. Monica stared right back at him, seeing the desire she felt reflected in his eyes. She pulled him back confidently and kissed him again with just as much feeling as before.

After a while, Chandler started to lean Monica back onto her bed. She stopped kissing him, but kept her arms around him and allowed him to push her gently down. Chandler kissed her neck and let his hand slide onto her leg. He didn't want to rush her, since she seemed very nervous, but he assumed she would have had sex before, after she got hin. What guy could resist her? Chandler knew he couldn't.

As Chandler's hand started to slide up her leg, pushing her dress up, Monica was suddenly reminded of what Rachel had said about getting him naked in order to humiliate him, then pushed the thought away. It only reminded her of him calling her fat last year, something she didn't really want to focus on right now.

"Chandler," she said softly. He got up immediately, thinking she wanted him to stop. He was disappointed, of course, but girls turned him down all the time. True, he had thought there was something special with Monica, but she was only eighteen, and it was fast.

"Sorry," he said, blushing. Monica sat up as well and touched his arm gently.

"No, no, Chandler, I don't mean, I mean, I don't want you to stop, okay? Its just, I, uh, this is, uh, I've never," she stammered.

"Mon, are you a virgin?" he asked, a little surprised. She blushed and nodded. "Oh my God! I'm so sorry. We can stop this now if you want." He didnt' want to stop, but he respected her enough not to want to force her into something she wasn't ready for.

"I don't want to stop," she said again, kissing him tenderly. When they broke the kiss, Chandler smiled at her. She grinned back at him. Monica stood up and slowly slipped her dress over her head. She wasn't wearing a bra, because the straps would have shown with the dress she was wearing. Chandler scanned her body slowly, his smile widening as he drank in her round breasts, her smooth stomach, her long legs. Monica flushed under the intensity of his gaze.

"Maybe we should even things up, huh?" he said. Monica frowned, not quite understanding. Chandler gently pushed her onto the bed and stood up himself. He had left his jacket downstairs, so once he slipped his t-shirt over his head, he exposed his bare chest. Monica smiled as he unfastened his pants and stepped out of them. His erection showed through his pants, and Monica's eyes fixed on it.

Chandler took her hand and pulled her to her feet and towards him. They kissed and he let his hands move down her back to her waist. He brought them round to cup her breasts. She stopped kissing and stood still while Chandler massaged her breasts. Chandler was delighted when she let out a soft moan and he lent down and licked her hard nipple. She moaned again, and Chandler knelt down in front of her, kissing lower and lower until he reached the waistband of her panties.

"Chandler, do you have, um," she tried to say. Chandler smiled and stood up.

"Protection?" She nodded. Reaching for his trousers, Chandler pulled a condom out of them pocket.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she confessed.

"Its okay," he reassured her.

They slowly walked over to her bed, where Chandler lay Monica back. He took off his boxes, put on the condom, then lowered his weight onto her. He didn't enter he straight away, instead he rubbed her pussy with his first two fingers, making her moan in delight.

She gasped sharply when he finally entered her. Chandler stayed still for a few seconds, kissing her softly. When he did start to move, it was slowly at first, but he wasn't all that much more experienced sexually than Monica. He was only a year older, and he had only slept with two women. He desperately wanted to go slow and make it easier for her, but he soon lost control and sped up, forgetting that she was a virgin, concentrating only on his own need.

As Chandler slammed into her one last time, Monica finally started to cry, letting go the tears she had held back since he first went inside her. She had known it would hurt the first time, but she hadn't expected it to be this bad. Chandler collapsed on top of her panting. He kissed her neck absently, then as he kissed her cheeks, he noticed her tears. Chandler rolled off her and lay on his side next to her, stroking her cheek gently.

"Mon, what's wrong?" he asked. She turned away from him.

"Nothing," Monica mumbled.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. She shrugged and pulled the duvet over herself, turning over onto her side and facing away from him. He slowly got off the bed and dressed in silence. Just before he left, he lent over the bed to kiss her forehead. Monica didn't show any sign of noticing, so he left her room quietly, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

***1995***

Monica broke the kiss suddenly. She didn't want a repeat of that Thanksgiving. Chandler was looking at her with the same hungry look he'd had back then, which scared her a little, although she didn't quite know why.

"Chandler, remember Rachel," she reminded him, stopping him as he moved toward to kiss her again.

"Oh yeah, right. Um, so. how come you named your daughter Rachel?" Chandler asked, trying to put the kiss they had just shared out of his mind.

"You remember my friend Rachel Green? She was at Thanksgiving with us the years you came," she said, blushing slightly at the mention of Thanksgiving. "Well, she was the only one of my friends who stood by me when I was pregnant. I mean, she went off and got married a few years ago, but we used to be really close. We've drifted apart now though. She was my best friend, has been since we were six years old," Monica said, smiling fondly at the memories.

"I wish I had someone I'd known all my life. Mom always moved around so much, I never really got the chance to make new friends, and when I did, we just moved again. I mean, you know what kids are like, promise to write, to phone, but never actually get round to it," Chandler said.

"Grown ups do that too," she said, a little sadly.

"I guess they do," he agreed.

"Do you, uh, want something to eat?" Monica offered politely, half hoping he would so she could spend a little longer with him, half hoping he wouldn't because the longer she spent with him the more she wanted more than just a few kisses.

"I can't, the Knicks are waiting, remember?" he said.

"Oh right, okay," she said, both disappointed and relieved.

"But I'll come over tomorrow, if that's okay," he said, a little nervous about inviting himself over like that. "I mean, you're welcome to come to my place, but there's boxes everywhere."

"No, feel free to come over tomorrow, or whenever," Monica said. Chandler smiled.

"Thanks. I gotta go, bye," he said walking towards the door. He wanted to give her a goodbye kiss, but he was afraid that if he did, he would never get to the game.

"Bye," she called after him.

Almost as soon as Rachel heard the front door shut, she came out of her bedroom. Monica looked a little dazed, and Rachel was worried.

"Mom?" she said softly.

"Oh hi honey, you hungry?" Monica asked, wanting the distraction of cooking.

"Not really. Can I watch TV again?"

"Sure. You mind if I don't though? I'm gonna take a shower," Monica said.

"'Kay," Rachel mumbled, turning on the TV again.

As Monica showered she began to cry, remembering how she had showered after she slept with Chandler. She had been crying then as well, as she tried to scrub away the traces of her first sexual experience. But although the physical ache had been eased by the hot water, the mental pain of Chandler being so uncaring had remained with her for much longer. Now however, she was crying for the fact that she and Chandler could never have a relationship, and probably wouldn't even be able to be friends. Their history went to far back and was ingrained too deeply.

When Monica came out of the shower, she went into her bedroom and got dressed. She felt like crying all over again, but forced herself not to, she didn't want to scare Rachel.

Chandler came over the next day around lunchtime. Monica was happy to let him eat with her and Rachel. She smiled as she watched him pull faces at the six year old, making her giggle.

"Mom, I like Chandler," Rachel announced after Chandler had gone. "He's funny."

"Me too," Monica agreed. She did like Chandler. He was cute and funny and had no problem with her having a daughter, which often became an issue with guys. Monica wouldn't have given Rachel up for the world, but it did put a stop to her love life.

"Mom, can I go to Sarah's after school tomorrow?" Rachel asked, chaning the subject.

"Sure honey, has Sarah's Mom said its okay?" Moncia asked with a smile. Rachel and her friends often made arrangements without consulting any of their parents.

"Uh huh. You can ring her if you don't believe me," Rachel said defensively.

"Its okay sweetie, I believe you," Monica said. She did, Rachel rarely lied, and never to her mother.

The following afternoon, Monica didn't really know what to do with herself. Rachel was having dinner at Sarah's, and wouldn't be home until half past seven. but by four o'clock, Monica had done everything she needed to do around the apartment and taken a bath. By twenty past four, she was going out of her mind, not used to being bored, so she decided to go over to Chandler's on the off chance that he would be home. He was, and he looked up and smiled when she walked in.

"Hi," she said, "I thought I'd give you a hand unpacking all your stuff," she said, gesturing to the boxes scattered around the apartment.

"Oh, thanks," he said. He didnt' really care about the mess, he had unpacked the stuff he needed on Friday, when he arrived, and the rest of the stuff was waiting until he was really, really bored. But if Monica wanted to help him, he was willing to give up his afternoon of doing nothing to unpack.

Monica knelt by a box, taking things out, unwrapping them, then passing them to Chandler for him to put away. All his furniture was already in place, it was just the little things that still needed unpacking. The chore went much faster with Monica helping, not only because there were two of them doing it, but because they were chatting and laughing, which distracted them from how dull unpacking really was.

"Thanks for helping me," Chandler said, offering her a beer from the fridge when they were done. Monica hesitated, then accepted. She rarely drank at all, not since Rachel was born. She didn't think getting drunk was being a good Mom. But one beer wasn't exactly going to get her drunk.

"No problem," she said, opening the beer.

"No Rachel today?" he asked casually, noticing that it was now six in the evening.

"She's at a friend's house," Monica said shortly. "That kids got a more active social life than I do," she added, trying to sound like she was joking, but not succeding.

"I'm sure that's not true. You must have guys taking you out every night of the week," Chandler said, a little jealousy creaping into his voice. She gave a short, sarcastic laugh.

"Nope. The last boyfriend I had was three years ago. We went out a few times, but when he came back to my apartment and saw Rachel and the babysitter, he made some excuse and left. Guys don't want a single Mom," she said bitterly, although not with Rachel. Monica bit her lip. She had told Chandler more than she had meant to, and she suspected her voice had told him more than her words.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, then remembered he was only supposed to care about her as a friend. "On behalf of all guys, I mean," he added. Monica smiled faintly.

"Thanks. On behalf of all single moms," she said, brightening a bit.

"You'll find someone," he said seriously.

"Oh yeah? When?"

"You never know. Maybe he's closer than you think," Chandler said, leaning forward to kiss her. Monica let him. She put her beer down on his kitchen counter, and he did the same. The kiss deepened and their arms were around each other, pressing their bodies close. Chandler let his hands slip under Monica's t-shirt, push her bra aside and massage her breasts. She stopped kissing him, and moaned into his mouth. Chandler moved his kisses down and started kissing her neck.

Suddenly, Monica pulled away. She stepped back, staring at Chandler with wide eyes. He looked back at her, silently asking why she had stopped.

"I'm sorry chandler," she said. "I just can't do this."

"Mon," he started to say, but she backed away from him.

"Please don't. I just have to go," Monica said. She hurried out of Chandler's apartment and across the hall to her own, knowing he had no idea what he had done wrong, feeling his eyes on her. She had hurt his feelings and she felt bad about that, but she still refused to let herself be that vulnerable again.

Once she was safely inside her own apartment, Monica shut the door and locked it. She went into her bedroom and locked that door as well, then flung herself face down on the bed and finally allowed herself to cry.


Monica and Chandler didn't see each other until Saturday. She knew he was avoiding her, but she was actually relieved. She didn't want to have to explain herself to him. She kept herself busy with Rachel, and even worked a couple of extra shifts at work. She'd asked Ross to babysit, but he knew something was up, because she hated leaving Rachel with a babysitter, even if it was her own brother.

However, on Saturday, Ross had taken Rachel to Central Park for the day. He had invited Monica as well, but she had decided to stay home instead. She supposed Ross had told Chandler she would be home, because he arrived barely half an hour after Ross and Rachel left.

"Monica, please let me talk to you," Chandler said as soon as he came in. Monica was just finishing washing up.

"Hello to you too," she said, removing the rubber gloves.

"Hi. Mon, why did you run off the other day?" he asked bluntly. He was sick of avoiding her, and avoiding the subject.

"Chandler," she said in a voice that told him she wanted to keep on avoiding it.

"Monica, please just tell me okay?" he said, walking up to her and taking her hands in his.

"I was just remembering stuff. I don't want to get into that situation again," she said. Chandler frowned for a minute, then remembered what she was talking about.

"Oh, right. Listen, I really am sorry about how Thanksgiving turned out. I mean, I'm not sorry that we had sex, but I'm sorry I didn't, uh, make it good for you. I never meant to hurt you, that's the last thing I wanted. But please, I don't really understand whats going on with us right now, but just dont' hold that Thanksgiving against me, okay?" he said, offering his arms for a hug.

"Thanks," she mumbled. Chandler squeezed her tighter to let her know it was okay.

Over the next three weeks, Chandler kept dropping by Monica's apartment, sometimes with Ross, sometimes alone, sometimes when he knew Rachel would be there, sometimes when he expected Monica to be alone. He wanted to be friends with her, even if they couldn't be more than that. And it was his apparantly genuine desire to see her, even though she made it clear she wasn't interested in a relationship with him, that made Monica like him more and more.

She had told Chandler time and time again that she wasn't ready for a romance, that her seeing someone would be bad for Rachel, that she especially didn't want to get involved with Chandler because of their history. But he kept coming over, he kept being her friend. Monica didn't have many close friends these days, just Phoebe, and Ross, who was her brother so he didn't really count.

The two of them were watching a movie together at Monica's apartment. Rachel was at her best friend's sleepover, so they had the place to themselves. Chandler had his arm draped casually around Monica's shoulders, and she was leaning against him. When the closing credits of the movie started, Monica sighed softly and turned to face him.

"So, you up for another movie?" she asked.

"We only rented this one," he reminded her.

"Oh yeah. Well, I have a great selection of Disney movies," she joked.

"You know what, we don't need a movie, we can stay here and talk, all night if we feel like it," Chandler said. He was a little apprehensive about suggesting something like that, but she nodded in agreement.

"That'd be great," she said.

Monica looked at Chandler closely. He was so cute, especially his eyes. They were so open and invited her to drown in them. Her gaze landed on his lips. God, how she wanted to kiss them, to feel them all over her body. 'Stop it' she admonished herself. But the more she told herself that he was just her friend, the more she wanted to kiss him.

He was in the middle of telling her about something funny that had happened with the coffee machine at work, when Monica suddenly leaning in and kissed him. Chandler was a little startled, but he soon began kissing her back. He didn't know what had made her chanfe her mind, and as she went to work removing his shirt, he found he didn't care.

Still kissing him, Monica frantically undid all the buttons on Chandler's shirt and pulled it off him. She ran her hands over his chest, then pulled him to his feet. Smiling at him, she led the way into her bedroom.

Chandler was happy to let Monica take control as she covered his chest with kisses and licks, then moved down to his jeans. He stepped out of them and his boxers, then she pushed him back onto the bed. She touched his cock, suddenyl hesitant.

"I've never done this before," she whispered as she knelt between his legs and gently stroked him. Chandler moaned softly. After a few minutes he grabbed her by the arms and pulled her up so he could kiss her.

"You're doing great," he told her.

She smiled and went back to work, only this time she tried kissing and licking him as well. She had never given a guy a blow job before either, but Chandler's low moans of pleasure encouraged her.

"Mon, I'm about to come," he warned her after a little while.

She jumped back, not wanting him to come in her mouth because she wouldn't know what to do if he did. Instead she resumed stroking him, as her hand got wet and Chandler moaned loudly one last time.

"Monica, thank you, that was amazing," Chandler said once he got his breath back. They were now both lying on the bed. Monica kissed him softly.

"And now I have to clean this up," she said, half joking.

"I'm gonna go take a shower while you do, okay?" Chandler said, wanting to get out of having to help her.

"Okay," she said, kissing him before he went.

When Chandler returned with a towel wrapped around his waist, Monica had changed the bed. He grinned and hugged her from behind.

"You know what I just noticed?" he mumbled, kissing her neck.

"What?" she asked, loving the feel of his kisses.

"That while I am wearing only a towel, you are still fully dressed," he said. "I think maybe its time we did something about that," he added, sliding his hands up the front of her top, and to his delight finding she wasn't wearing a bra. Monica moaned as he softly caressed her breasts. "You decided to lose the bra then?" he teased, knowing full well she had been wearing one earlier, and had removed it while he was in the shower. Monica didn't answer.

Chandler slipped her top over her head, then returned his hands to her breasts. As he massaged them, he kept kissing her neck. He felt her lean back against him as he lightly pinched her nipples. Monica pushed his hands away and turned in his arms to face him. They kissed passionately, then he hade his way down her body, kissing her breasts, her flat stomach and her belly button until he reached the waist of her black pants. By then he was kneeling, so he unfastened the pants, then groped her ass as he slid them down.

"No panties either?" he observed with a smiled. Monica pulled him to his feet and locked him in a passionate kiss. They backed onto the bed and laid down on it, Chandler on top of Monica. He moved down her body again, showering her with kisses, paying extra attention to her breasts. He stopped his kisses when he reached her pubic hair and pulled himself back up so he could kiss her lips.

Chandler slid his hand between Monica's legs, which she parted willingly. As he kissed her lovingly, he stroked her, bringing her closer and closer to orgasm. He watched her face closely as she came, loving the adorable face she made and her loud moan of release.

As soon as Monica's breathing had slowed down, she felt Chandler's weight on top of her. She gasped as he thrust into her for the first time, but it wasn't long before they found a rhythem together. When they were both done, Chandler rolled off her.

He felt awkward, unsure whether Monica wanted him to stay. She didn't speak, or move towards him, but she didn't actually ask him to leave or move away, so Chandler figured she was just as confused as he was, but that he was allowed to stay, so he fell asleep.

Monica however, couldn't sleep. She hadn't shared her bed with a man for longer than she wanted to remember, and she couldn't forget that she and Chandler hadn't used protection. She supposed that when she didn't say anything, Chandler supposed she was on the pill, but since she rarely even went on dates, she wasn't. The only reason she hadn't spoken up was that she was too busy enjoying the sensations he was giving her.

Chandler woke up around four am. At first he didn't know why, then Monica turned over in her sleep and elbowed him in the shoulder, and he realised she must have accidentally woken him up. He couldnt' sleep with Monica tossing and turning next to him, so he quietly got out of bed, got dressed and went back to his own bed across the hall.

Waking up alone confirmed to monica that sleeping with Chandler was a mistake. And one that she didn't intend on making again. It had been amazing while it lasted, but she knew it hadn't meant anywhere near as much to him as it had to her, it couldn't have if he left while she was still asleep. And the fact that he had done so told her he didn't want to repeat last night either, which was just fine with her.

* * *

Six weeks later Monica was regretting having sex with Chandler even more. She was pregnant. She had known as soon as she missed her period. By the time she was a week late she was certain. But she refused to accept that she had placed herself in this situation again. But today she'd had it confirmed by her doctor. There was no point denying it anymore.

Going into the apartment, where Phoebe was babysitting Rachel, Monica struggled not to burst into tears. She loved Rachel more than anything in the world, but when the child had been an infant had been the hardest time of Monica's life. True, she was older this time, but it didn't make it any easier. She would still be on her own.

"Hi Monica, how was the dentist?" Phoebe asked. Monica hadn't told anyone the truth about her appointment, still nurturing the desperate hope that there was another explanation for the missed period. She didn't answer Phoebe's question, not trusting herself to speak.

"Hey Mom, look at this," Rachel said, showing her a painting.

Monica tried to look, but her vision was blurry, and she couldn't focus her eyes properly. Monica clapped a hand to her mouth and ran into her bedroom, locking the door and collapsing onto the bed before she finally allowed herself to cry.

* * *

***1988***

When Monica had been pregnant with Rachel, she had let two missed periods go by before she finally admitted it was true. She didn't want anyone else to know, but Rachel got it out of her on the way home from college for Judy Geller's birthday party.

"Mon, honey, why do you look like you're going to a funeral rather than a party?" Rachel asked. Monica just shrugged. "Whats the matter with you lately? I don't think I've seen you smile since, well," Rachel thought hard. "Thanksgiving. Oh my God! Is this something to do with ChandleR?" Monica didn't answer. "It is isn't it?" Still no answer. "Monica Eleanor Geller you time me right now what the hell is going on!" Rachel demanded.

"I'm fucking pregnant!" Moncia shouted, almost causing Rachel (who was driving) to crash the car in shock.

"Oh My God! Are you sure?" she asked as she got the car straightened out again.

"Well, I haven't done a test or anything, but yeah, I'm pretty sure," Monica said, biting her lip to stop herself from crying.

"Oh honey," Rachel said sympathetically. "You know what, we can be late for your Mom's party. I'm sure she won't mind," Rachel said, taking a sudden turning that was in the opposite direction to Monica's parents' house.

"Have you met my Mom?" Monica asked sarcastically. Rachel didn't laugh at the joke.

They bought diet cokes at a restuarant, where Rachel forced Monica to take the pregnancy test they'd got at a pharmacy, in the bathroom. Rachel hovered outside the door while Monica took the test.

When she came out, she was crying. Rachel hugged her tightly. The look on Monica's face told her that her bestfriend was going to be a Mommy in a few short months.

"This cannot be happening," Monica muttered.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it is," Rachel said reassuringly.

"But we used a condom!" Monica protested, still unable to believe it.

"Condoms don't always work," Rachel reminded her. Monica ignored the comment.

* * *

***1995***

As Monica dried her tears, she began worrying about what she was going to do about her pregnancy, which only made her start to cry again. She had no intention of telling Chandler, she would be fine without him. But thinking of life with Rachel and a newborn baby didn't inspire any good thoughts in her.

* * *

Two months later, Monica's pregnancy was beginning to show, so she started wearing baggy shirts to hide it and bought new pants, since she could no longer fit into her old ones. The only thing she had any real trouble hiding was the morning sickness. But Rachel was the only one who noticed that, and she didn't understand it. Monica had asked Ross and Phoebe to stop coming over in the mornings, claiming she needed more time to get Rachel ready for school. Monica hadn't seen Chandler since their night together. Phoebe kept looking at her strangely, but Monica didn't think she'd ask any questions.

When Monica was fifteen weeks pregnant, she was surprised one night, whne Chandler came over. She was watching TV, with the volumne low because Rachel was in bed. She self consciously pulled a cushion over her stomach, even though the bump was already hidden by her shirt.

"Mon, what's going on? Ross says you don't want to see him anymore, Phoebe said Rachel asked her why you keep throwing up. You've been avoiding me, what the hell is the matter?" Chandler shouted.

"You've been avoiding me as well, and for God's sake be quiet, Rachel's asleep," Monica hissed angrily.

"Okay, sorry. But Mon, just tell me what the hell is going on," Chandler said in a calmer voice.

"You don't wanna know," Monica said bitterly, knowing it was true.

"Okay fine. Just tell me what we have now. Monica I know I've been acting like an idiot, but I don't want things to be like this between us," Chandler said emotionally.

"What do you want things to be like?" Monica asked softly, knowing as she did that it was a question she didn't want answered. No matter what Chandler wanted, or thought he wanted, it would never work out.

"I want to be with you," he said, walking up to the couch. He leaned over and put his arms around her. Monica was silent as Chandler started kissing her neck. She enjoyed the sensation and turned her head as he kissed along her jaw so he could kiss her mouth.

Monica wasn't sure exactly how it happened, but pretty soon they were in her bedroom naked. She was lying on her back on the bed, with Chandler on top of her kissing her breasts. Was it his imagination, or were they fuller than the last time they made love? He moved his kisses down to her stomach. She seemed to have gained weight there too. Chandler lifted himself up form her, leaning his weight on his elbows and studied her closely.

"You look different," he said.

"Different how?" she asked, pulling him up so he lay on his side next to her.

"Well, okay, don't get mad, but, uh, you look a little heavier," he said nervously. Monica laughed.

"My, what a charmer you are," she said sarcastically. Why don't you just call me fat and have done with it?"

"Sorry, its just..." Chandler tried to explain, but Monica cut him off.

"Its okay. You're right. I have put on a few pounds. I would normally be offended by a comment like that, but this time you're in luck," Monica said.

"You're not upset?" he asked cautiously.

"Nope."

"Why?" he asked, very confused. He had never, ever met a woman who didn't mind him saying she'd put on weight.

"Because you're supposed to put on weight when you're pregnant," she said sharply. Monica sat up and turned her back on Chandler. She didn't want to see his reaction.

"You, what, you, you're pregnant?" Chandler stuttered. She nodded, still not facing him. "Well, uh, is it.."

"Yours?" she snapped. "Of course. Just because I'm twenty five with a six year odl daughter doesn't mean I'm a slut you know."

"No, I know, its just, why didn't you tell me?" he asked, still trying to take it in. He was going to be a Dad? The thought terrified him.

"I don't need you, you know. I brought Rachel up on my own, I can do the same with this baby," Monica said defensively.

"Monica, did it ever cross your mind that maybe I would want to be involved in my child's life?" Chandler shouted, reaching for his boxers. He didn't care that Rachel was asleep in the next room. "Just because the bastard that fathered your first childr fucked off and left you, that doesn't mean I'm the same as him."

Monica stood up and put on her robe before she answered.

"But you are the same. You're exactly the same," she said, staring at the wall straight in front of her. Chandler grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him.

"What do you mean? how could you know how I would react?" he demanded.

"Because Chandler, I know that underneath the new sophisticated act, you're still the immature SHITHEAD who called a girl FAT one year then SLEPT with her a year later. You're the irresponsible PRICK who doesn't seem to know what CONDOMS are for!" she screamed, forgetting Rachel for the moment. "I was crying Chandler! It was my first time and you just WALKED out of there. You fucking left me when I wasn't even asking anything of you! Why the fuck would I expect you to have changed, especially when there was a child invovled. No, I REFUSED to inflict you on Rachel, and I won't let you have this baby either! You don't DESERVE something this wonderful. You know, kids don't give a SHIT about what you're REALLY like. They love you unconditionally just for being there. You don't deserve that kind of love Chandler," she continued, barely pausing for breath, tears running down her face.

"What do you mean, you refused to inflict me on Rachel? Why would you do that in the first place?" Chandler asked slowly. He thought he knew the answer, but he needed her to say it, he needed to know for sure.

"Are you stupid as well as selfish?" she shouted. "Because you're her fucking father!"

"Oh my God!" Chandler gasped, even though it was what he expected, it was still a shock to hear the words. Ten minutes ago he was just a normal guy, now all of a sudden he had a six year old daughter and another baby on the way?! He couldn't believe it.

"I know. Its crazy isn't it? Some people try for years to concieve. But the first time I have sex, I get pregnant. Then the second time, I fucking get pregnant as well!" she said. Her voice was still angry, but much quieter now.

"Woah! Mon, you've only had sex twice in your whole life?" Chandler asked, shocked. Even HE had had sex more times than that.

"Uh huh. You're the only guy I've ever slept with," she said.

"Oh my God!" Chandler said again.

"Proud?" she asked mockingly. "Don't be. I admit last time was good, but the first time was fucking awful!"

"I'm not proud Mon. I'm just...shocked I guess," he said slowly.

"Why? You think men queue up round the blockfor a single Mom? Get real Chandler," she snapped. "But you knwo what, do it someplace else, because Rachel's probably awake and wondering what the hell is going on."

"Okay," Chandler said quietly. He needed time to think about all this anyway. He grabbed his clothes and slowly walked out. Monica turned away so she didn't have to look at him, but he suspected it was also because she didn't want him to see her cry.

In his own apartment, Chandler slowly dressed. He wasn't really paying attention, and ended up trying several times to put his pants on backwards. He eventually gave up and went back to his trusty sweats. At least they were easy to put on!

Not long later, Ross burst into Chandler's apartment, looking like he had just won the lottery, delighted, and like he had lost the ticket, disappointed.

"Hey man," Chandler said, making an effort to be cheerful so he wouldn't have to explain what had happened between him and Monica.

"My wife's a lesbian and she's pregnant with my baby," Ross said in a strange voice.

"What?" Chandler asked, Ross's problem distracting him from his own.

"Carol's leaving me for another woman and they're going to raise my baby," Ross said.

"Oh my God!" Chandler gapsed.

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Dude, I'm so sorry," chandler said.

"Yeah well, at least I get to be a Daddy," Ross pointed out.

"To a kid with two Mommies," Chandler couldn't resist saying.

"No, I mean, I see Mon with Rachel, and I've always wanted that. I'm not saying its been easy for them, it hasn't. And I know I couldnt' have raised a child on my own like Monica has, but I always pictures me, and Carol and a kid or two. You know what I mean?" ross said ernestly.

"Yeah," Chandler said. He really did.

"Yeah, right, you've never even had a relationship that's lasted longer than two weeks," ross scoffed.

"That doesn't mean I don't see myself as a Dad one day," Chandler argues.

"Whatever. can I stay here tonight?" Ross said "I'm mad at Carol."

"You don't seem mad," Chandler observed.

"Yeah, well," Ross said absently. "Can I?"

"Sure. You know what, I'll be back in a bit, okay?" Chandler said.

"'Kay," Ross mumbled, going into the spare bedroom.


Chandler hurried across the hall to Monica's apartment. He looked in her bedroom, but she wasn't there, so he slowly opened the door to Rachel's room. He stood in the doorway, frozen. Rachel and Monica were both tucked up in Rachel's bed, asleep. Rachel was leaning against her mother, and they both had drying tears on their cheeks. And in that moment, Chandler knew. He knew this was what he wanted.