If Only (Part 2)

Okay, this is the continuation of If Only. This part ISN'T NC-17 rated. It starts immediately after If Only. I don't own these characters, luckily for them.

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Chandler didn't know what to do. He didn't want to wake them, but he needed to talk to Monica right away. He watched them for a few more seconds. They both looked so peaceful. Rachel didn't look much like Monica when she was awake, apart from her dark hair and blue eyes, but when they were sleeping next to each other, they looked very alike.

"Mon?" Chandler said softly. He touched her should gently. Monica's eyes fluttered open. When she saw Chandler standing next to her, she looked angry.

"Chandler, what are you doing here?" she asked quietly, so as not to wake Rachel.

"Please Mon, let me talk to you. Just give me a chance, please. Ten minutes of your time?" he begged quietly, remembering the sleeping child.

"Fine," she said reluctantly. She didn't really want to talk to him, as far as she was concerned, there was nothing to be said between them, but she could tell how determind he was, and she didn't want Rachel to be woken by them arguing. Monica carefully slipped off Rachel's bed and followed Chandler into the livingroom. She hoped they wouldn't end up shouting. "So what do you wanna talk about?" she asked, knowing how impatient she sounded, but not really caring too much.

"Monica, please listen to me. I know you're angry, and hurt and upset and God knows what else," Chandler began. He was suddenly very nervous.

"Pregnant?" she suggested coldly. "Get on with it Chandler, I'm tired."

"Sorry. Okay, I know you probably hate me for what happened that Thanksgiving, but please Monica, think about the things you're accusing me of. I was nineteen for God's sake! I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry I hurt you, physically and emotionally and in every other way possible. But I'm hurt too Mon," he said feelingly.

"You are?" she asked, curious, despite herself.

"Yeah. I'm hurt that you even thought for a second that I would have walked out of there if I knew you were pregnant. I'm hurt that even if you thought the nineteen year old Chandler would, you still thought I would now. I was a bastard seven years ago, I know that. But I like to think I've changed. "

"I still woke up alone though, didn't I?" Monica reminded him quietly. "I fell asleep in your arms this time, but I still woke up alone."

"Mon, I'm sorry. I know its not a good excuse, but all I can say is, I'm not used to sleeping that close to someone. I couldn't sleep very well, so I went back to my own apartment," Chandler explained. Monica shook her head.

"What's wrong with the old hug and roll?" she asked.

"Huh? How do you know about that?"

"Ross told me he used it on Carol before she started wanting to sleep on the couch."

"Yeah, about that. Carol's a lesbian," Chandler said, realising Monica didn't know.

"Oh my God!"

"See, some people have worse problems than us," he teased her gently. But Monica wasn't in the mood to be teased.

"Hey, who's pregnant here? Me or Carol?"

"Both actually."

"Ugh, I don't want to know. Can we get back to the issue here? I'd like to get some sleep before morning sickness sets in again," Monica she impatiently.

"Mon, I'm trying to say, I wouldn't have walked out on you and Rachel, or this baby," he said patting her stomach gently. She smiled at his touch. "If I'd known. I don't want to walk out now. I want to stay and look after you while you get bigger and bigger and then when our baby's born. And I want to watch my daughter grown up, I've already missed so much. I don't want to miss out on as much second time around," Chandler said. He felt tears prick his eyes and blinked hard to fight them back.

"Chandler, you really think I'm gonna believe that? You hurt me for years, and you think I'm gonna forgive you in a minute?" she demanded angrily. The truth was, she was afraid of being hurt again. She refused to put herself through that again.

"That's not fair Monica. I hurt you once, a long time ago. I didn't mean to even then. The rest is all in your screwed up head!" he accused, starting to get annoyed with her. It had taken all the guts he possesed to say that to her, and she was throwing it back in his face?

"Just because you didn't mean to hurt me, doesn't mean you didnt' hurt me," she pointed out.

"Giving you a child, two children, is hurting you in your book?" Chandler asked with raised eyebrows.

"You didn't give me a child! You didn't even know about her until tonight! You didn't GIVE me anything!" Monica shouted.

"Are you saying you'd rather you didn't have Rachel?" Chandler asked, finding pleasure in upsetting her, since she obviously didn't care about upsetting him.

"Of course not! I love her more than anything else in the world! But that doesn't mean getting pregnant at eighteen years old was a good thing," Monica said, more calmly, even though the thought that he was accusing her of not loving her daughter angered her more than anything else he had said so far that evening.

"What about now?" Chandler asked. "Is it a good thing to get pregnant at twenty five?"

"Not really, when there's no father involved," she admitted.

"So let me be involved Monica," he begged. "Please don't deny me my children."

"Fine, you wanna be invovled? You write me a cheque every month for child support, you see Rachel and the baby, when its born, every other weekend. Is that involved enough for you?" Monica shouted.

"No, its not. I don't wanna be that kind of Dad. Besides, that way, I don't get to be involved with the Mom."

Chandler dared to venture closer. Monica was smiling and she didn't push him away. He gently reached up a hand to touch her face, and she lent into his touch. He slowly moved forward and lightly kissed her. At once, she jerked away from him.

"Stop it Chandler!" she shouted.

"Monica, please, I'm not going to hurt you again. I wouldn't dream of ever hurting you intentionally," Chandler said, annoyed at himself for letting her get to him like this.

"When did you ever hurt me intentionally Chandler?" she asked sadly.

"Never," he said softly. "Please, Mon, just give me a chance. Please?" he said, making puppy dog eyes at her. Monica turned away. She wouldn't fall for it, she wouldn't. She reminded herself that it wasn't just her own happiness at stake, it was her daughter's, and her unborn baby's as well.

"I can't Chandler," she said.

"Why not? Are you afraid I'll walk out like you think I did before? Monica, I swear I won't. You can chain me to you if you like, I'm not giving you up this time. I just can't. and I won't. You here me? You too, little guy," he said, talking to her bump.

"Chandler, I can't just suddenly trust you. I don't need you in my life. Rachel doesn't need you in her life either. Neither does the baby. I dont' want to spend the rest of my life chained to you, just because of a mistake we happened to make twice," Monica said.

"You think Rachel is a mistake?" Chandler asked, mildly shocked.

"No, I mean, I wouldn't give her up for the world NOW, but back then, yeah, us having sex was a mistake," she said thoughtfully.

"What about last time?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know Chandler," Monica said tiredly. She was unhappy enough right now, she didn't need to make herself analyse everything about her and Chandler's screwed up relationship.

"Mon, I love you," Chandler said ernestly.

"No Chandler, you don't. Come on, you hardly know me, how can you say you love me?" Monica said reasonably.

"I don't know Monica. Maybe love isn't something that develops. Maybe it's just THERE, and you can't do anything about it except accept it," Chandler said. Even he didn't think he sounded very convincing.

"Chandler, please, just leave me alone," Monica said, yawning.

"No, I won't. I can't give you up, or Rachel, or the baby," Chandler said empatically.

"You're just gonna have to Chandler. Because I am not prepared to put my heart on the line for you," she said defensively.

"Fine, have it your way. Spend the rest of your life as a miserable, bitter, single mom unable to love anyone because they're too scared," Chandler shouted angrily.

Monica tensed. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted to hit him, she wanted to kiss him, she wanted him to hold her. In the end, all she did was bite her lip to stop the tears from falling, clenched her fists to prevent herself touching him, and forced herself to stand still so she wouldn't move forward and allow herself to find sanctuary in his arms.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment!" she screamed. Chandler realised he had crossed a line with her.

"Monica, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," he said slowly, reaching out to her. She took a step back, fighting hard to keep from crying.

"Just get out!" she shouted. Monica really didn't want Chandler to see her cry, but if he didn't leave within the next thirty seconds, he would.

"I'm sorry. I know you're scared. I understand," Chandler reassured her.

"No you don't!" she screamed. "You don't understand me! You never could! And even if you could, I don't want you around long enough to try!" She had given up her attempt not to cry and tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Please, I never meant to upset you," he said, worried by her outburst.

"Well then why the hell say something like that? God, you're worse than a kid Rachel's age who pushed her over then said he never meant to hurt her. At least he had the excuse of being six years old! You're twenty six!" Moncia said. "Look, please, just go, okay? I don't want to look at you right now," Monica said miserably.

Chander looked at her closely and saw the strain in her eyes, the sadness on her face. He wanted to hold her and tell her he had just been upset because she didn't love him and didn't understand how he could love her. He stepped towards her, fighting her weak attempt to stop him and hugged her. After a few seconds of unresponsiveness, Monica collapsed into Chandler's arms and let him hold her while she cried, as she sometimes held Rachel.

"Shh, its okay Mon, its okay," he whispered into her hair. He was surprised that she had allowed him to comfort her, but he soon realised she didn't care about everything that had just happened. She just needed someone, anyone, to comfort her.

"I'm sorry Chandler," she said after a few minutes, "I guess I'm a little emotional right now. Hormones, you know? I'm sorry, but I still need to be alone right now."

"Sure," Chandler agreed. At least she seemed calmer now. He supposed maybe her hormones were partly to blame for her going from angry to crying to whatever she was now, he wasn't sure.

"Chandler!" she called, as he turned to go.

"Yeah?" he asked dully.

"Thanks. I really will think about everything you said. But I can't promise anything okay? Maybe you're right, maybe I am scared. But please remember that I will soon have two children to take care of, and I don't want to risk them getting hurt as well," Monica said seriously.

"I know. I am sorry about what I said," he apologised again.

"I know."

Monica wanted more than anything to simply crawl into bed and sleep for a year, but she knew she had to check on Rachel. There was no way the child would have slept through all that yelling, but Monica felt as much in need of comfort as she knew Rachel would.

"Honey?" she said, going into Rachel's room.

"More shouting?" Rachel asked miserably, but Monica was grateful to see she wasn't crying.

"I'm sorry honey," she said.

"Next time you and Chandler want to shout at each other, could you do it when I'm at school please?" Rachel asked, half joking, half serious.

"Honey, I'm really sorry. We just got a little upset and started saying things we dont' mean but that upset each other a lot, but Chandler's gone home now. Are you okay if I go to bed now? I'm really tired," Monica said, feeling a little guilty. She knew she should stay up with Rachel until the child fell asleep, but Monica was exhausted herself.

"Yeah, goodnight Mom," Rachel said, opening her arms for Monica to hug her. Smiling tiredly, Monica complied.

"Night sweetie," she said, kissing Rachel's soothingly warm forhead.

Back in her own bedroom, Monica curled up and hugged her knees. She felt the comforting movements of the baby inside her and rested her hand on her stomach. Despite her mixed feelings towards Chandler, she already loved this baby, just as she had loved Rachel from the first kick. But she couldn't help thinking that things would be much simpler if she hadn't gotten pregnant.