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| Journal Archives : Rewind End > April 2006. Begin > May 2005. + + + 29 April 2006 > The Last Entry {aka Saying Farewell to Geocities} I've begun my Spring cleaning and that includes my computer life. I'm going to move my ramblings to a blog, an official one, if you will, on Blogger. I barely know HTML and now I'm going to learn the basics so I can customize my new blog, which I set up yesterday. It was quite fun! ^_^ Geocities has been awesome, but I've noticed the formatting gets funky on any other computer, excluding mine, when viewed, and that bothers me. So, time to move on to a set layout. I'll find a way to post my art and a choice few stories / poems. I'm not glued to the Internet like I was in my younger days, so I need a place to write and update and keep in touch with friends and family, but also is easy to maintain since I don't have the time anymore. My site here will stay up until it disappears, I guess. Anyway, thanks for the love sent here -- now bring it to my new home! ^_^ > > > http://fairyesque-scandal.blogspot.com < < < 22 April 2006 > In Dreams... I've been experiencing some vivid dreams only in this past week or two, which is strange since I usually don't remember them at all. But, Neal lent me his 'Dream Dictionary' book { thanks, hon! I will return it! } and I think my subconscious is allowing me to remember these dreams so that I can reference them through the book ^_^ The dreams range from simple to intense, featuring a co-worker, moving to Japan with my family, battling and winning against a snake, and having the best sex ever with an ex-lover/friend of mine. Very interesting, says Doctor Freud, heh ~_^ I've gone through the book and cross referenced everything from colors to symbols to the actual dream meaning and found out some very fascinating stuff pertaining to my dreams, and thus, to my inner being. The book makes a lot of sense and now I'm going to take this knowledge and hold onto it, using it for guidance even in the future... I'm going to be reclusive this weekend, making a point to not leave the house unless it's to attend church. I've been physically and emotionally exhausted this *entire* week, which is strange, and I'm going to catch up on sleep while keeping myself in a calm state, in a calm environment at all times ~_~ 07 April 2006 > Down Down Down with Love If I wrote this entry yesterday, it would be erupting with anger and sorrow; now, I'm just drained and meloncholy. I lost a friend yesterday, but I have a gut feeling { and I always trust those } that it's for the best. I lost Ahad today as a good friend due to a falling out over moral conduct, of all things { he's the farthest thing from a saint himself }. Our argument centered on the fact that he never approved of my having a married male friend in my life even though it was purely platonic; that, and he's also one of those possesive / jealous natured Middle Eastern men. Alas. It's a long story, but the short of it is that after arguing both over the phone and in person, I know our friendship is over. Just like that. Snap. Gone. I feel like I lost some of myself and absorbed some bad from Ahad that I will always carry { though I will remember the good memories and what I did gain }. I invested so much love, energy and time into him and our relationship that I feel terribly sad over losing it all within a short period. Yet, I'm turning inward now, examining my own conduct and thoughts and confronting issues which I've shoved under the bed, so to speak. Despite the pain I feel, I also believe that it's the kind of cleansing both physically and emotionally that I needed and now will endure. I will heal soon, move on, and maybe, *finally*, find The One because I won't be preoccupied with another man. I know that God will be with me on this new journey and I will take care to tread with wisdom.... 02 April 2006 > Thinking Aloud... I've just glanced over at the clock and realized it's now April 2. It's past one in the morning and somehow I'm still wired with mysterious energy. Hm. The CD 'Enya: Watermark' is fueling my mood... My life has become so peaceful; it's incredible, but eerie at the same time. One can't help but wonder when something will shatter. Yet, despite not being the greatest Christian *crosses myself* I feel the ever-presence of God in my life, keeping all in order. I find myself satisfied and comfortable with my life, finally, in an almost Zen-like manner. It's almost inexplicable. I send prayers out to those I love, wishing you to absorb / create the same kind of calm in your lives... On a random note, I dropped by the library and picked up a Yoga book since I need to get into shape / strengthen my body. I chuckle as I mention that I also borrowed two cookbooks, one on diary-free cooking, the other on organic meals, to fuel my newfound interest in food, heh. My best friend, Vasana, who lives in Sacramento, visited me today. It was a lovely afternoon treat to spend some time with her. She and her boyfriend have had quite a lot of drama in their relationship, so she just needed some fresh air with a visit to the Bay Area. I adore her and am always willing to give her sage advice {I'm kind of like her free therapist, heh}, but I wish she trusted herself and her instincts more. Regardless, I have a good feeling about her future ^_^ *Hugs to Vasana* By the way, here's a *wink* sent out to Neal in thanks for the latest anime he's lent me, 'Samurai Champloo', which I'm now hooked on. I love this kind of 'drug' dealing ~_^ 25 March 2006 > Just Do It. So I did. I did do it though. I made it through the last two days at work, taking the place of a woman who knows all, to somehow manage to do her job somewhat by myself going by nothing but instinct and Odwalla juice and adrenaline which kept me stimulated for eight hours. And, nothing blew up either ~_^ I'll admit, I was dreading this task at first and felt unprepared, but after some prayer and encouraging words from other employees and my family, I knew I'd do alright. Both days were busy, but I managed to do our job which requires great multi-tasking, organization and confidence. I'm pleased to have succeeded in this challenge and now feel more comfortable in this position, but I still have a lot to learn. Praise God for being there with me too! I also want to *WAVE* to Neal, a fellow employee at the newspaper who's becoming a friend -- and he's my 'drugdealer' too, my anime drug dealer, heh. Thanks, Neal! 23 March 2006 > Just for You * * * Happy Happy Happy Birthday to my Sister, Christine * * * You're now 21, but I'll always think of you as my little sister whose not a day over 15. I wish I could give the Gundam boys to you or Gackt dipped in chocolate, but hey, I am only human {last I checked, anyway}. Next year? ~_^ Believe in yourself & your dreams, and don't change from the funny, loving girl you are. I love you much! 13 March 2006 > Therein lies a tale... ...which has nothing to do with this entry, heh ~_^ {I amuse myself. Leave me alone.} I've finally gotten into a good groove at the Contra Costa Times which is wonderful {my spirits are up because I get paid this week too!} It feels great to be part of a dynamic, family-like, down-to-earth team of folks. Unfortunately, following the recent sale of the company to another industry monster, we may not have a job come summer. Actually, I'm not worried; I go with the flow when it comes to jobs. I truly hope that I don't get laid off anytime soon since I really need the pay & benefits they offer, but se la vie, ne? Life is quite calm right now {*knock on wood*} and I'm loving it. Ahad and I are still good friends, despite keeping a distance from each other in the sense that we give one another a lot more space than in the past since his ex-girlf is still in his life and he's working more. I find myself spending more time alone, with my family, reading, painting -- things and people I enjoy and need more of ^_^ I still yearn for that time when I'll find my soul mate and can settle down; yet I feel like I have to live a little more and experience life more before that time. Here's some *fairydust* sent to Mai, one of my old friends, slaving away at UC Davis : Hope you make it through Finals and get over your cold! *^_^* 19 February 2006 > ...A Path Not Yet Marred Sitting here in the early morning, drining Afghan green tea, which is the best tea I've discovered so far, and wondering where the time has gone since I last updated. Oh yeah, life happens ~_^ I started a new job on Feb 15th at the Contra Costa Times, following an intense 12/hr shift at The Flower Bowl where I was the main delivery person on Valentine's Day. Quite a jump, ne? But, my 10 months at the flower shop were fabulous and I ended on a good note; now, onto a new challenge working with ads in a newspaper {funny, never thought I'd return to the industry...} I guess I sold out -- or grew up? -- because this new job provides a higher salary {primarily to put toward all the damn credit card debt I've acquired >_< }and benefits {which I've never had before -- but then, I'm getting older and now need them, gasp}. The Lord led me to this job, I believe, and I know He'll follow me through it. I have a sense of peace about this year, truly. It's the Year of the Dog, one meant to be *my* year in a sense since that's my Chinese zodiac sign, but it just happens to be foretold that way too. I can feel it already due to so many good things happening as I realize that a subtle yet dramatic transformation has occurred in my life and those around me. It's beautiful ^_^ A word to the wise: embrace this year fully, encourage positive change within yourself and in your environment, move straight along your path, and you'll be rewarded... 18 January 2006 > Breathe... I've recently moved into a new home with my parents and sister. It's been a trying time on our collective stress levels, but we've managed, and it's been enjoyable to be together once again ^_^ { I don't want to regret saying that!} Until I was separated from my family did I really appreciate them, and now I shake my head at Americans and our lack of respect for the family unit and how beneficial it is. Alas. I'm 23, going on 103 {seriously, I swear I'm gaining lines on my face}, and I continue to wonder at the mystery that is life. Ahad wants me to be more ambitious, so does Vasana {kisses to both of you ~_^ }, and now I'm thinking more seriously about my future; I'm looking for better paying work and considering college once again. Maybe I will become a Psychologist or Therapist; it is my gift, I believe. Here's to breathing in deeply and expelling the old, to transformation that cleanses the inside, the flesh and soul, and begins to mold us into someone we're yearning to become... 19 December 2005 > Merry Freakin' Christmas {and other cheery tidings} Despite the fact that my car is going to jack up my credit card bills due to it's not working at the moment and in the shop, I'm savoring the Christmas spirit regardless. I have my health, my beautiful family who have been through so much this past year especially, my cherished close friends, a new love named Ahad, a job that pays the bills even if it's just barely some months, a home and most important, God. Can I hear an Amen? ~_^ {Oh yeah, I'm also happy because I have a fabulous J. Crew order coming in the mail too!} Christmas is more than chaos and gifts that we all pretend to appreciate. It's about the birth of Christ, about family, about digging deep into our souls and grasping that something in ourselves that continues to keep us alive, breathing, living, loving and smiling. Embrace it all this week and always... *** Merry Christmas & Happy New Year *** 16 November 2005 > Why Do These Entries Need Bloody Titles?! Just. Kill. Me. Now. Maybe I would have rather died than receive a bill of $1500 from the hospital for treating me for Bronchitis earlier >_< I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that I'll file for bankruptcy before I turn 30. Sigh. I have accrued a good amount of debt, but it was finally showing some progress. Now this! "When you get what you want, but not what you need... When you love someone but it's goes to waste..." Coldplay, "Fix You," X & Y cd. {I'm literally an overnight fan of Coldplay. I have their two latest releases and especially love "X & Y" even though it wasn't as well-received as "A Rush of Blood to the Head."} Anyway, I felt that line was appropriate - if a tad overdramatic - to describe my relationship with Ahad, my Afghan friend...whom I, ahem, share "benefits" with *angelic look* I love having him in my life, but I always told myself that it could all fall away, like sand between my fingers, in a moment. I worry he'll return to his ex-girlfriend and I'll be on my own again. Is that weak or just human? {Farewell to Dixie, our Beloved 14-year-old Cocker Spaniel Mutt, who was put down yesterday... She's in a better place... } 05 November 2005 > Dying of the Plague... or not Wah! I have Bronchitis >_< I have to thank my Grandmother {and begrudgingly, Ahad, my Afghan guyfriend, for making me think twice} for taking me to the hospital Thursday night; I might have developed pnemonia otherwise. Alas *_* But, I'm doing much better - as we delve into the 4th damn week of this nonesense! - and I should be well in a few days *Special thanks to my family & friends who cared about me and called / worried over me* On yet another tangent... I've started writing again. Finally. After months of writer's block and fear and sheer laziness, I'm working on a novel again. Okay, so I'm only really starting, but I've written so much of it in my head already, having fleshed out characters and scenes, so I pray for success. My goal: To win the Pulitzer Prize for Literature someday *shakes fist in the air* ~_^ On another note... *Happy Happy 23rd Birthday to my Best Friend, Vasana!* ^_^ 21 October 2005 > And Then There Was One... Who hasn't pondered the purpose of existence, whether it be our own or the reason for the universe? I've pondered - obsessed is a better word - all of it too many times and have always come up with what King Solomon of the Bible did: That all is in vain, that all is futile, with the exception of God. I bring this up only since my life has run the gauntlet of Hell one too many times these past two years and there are too many days where I want to just drive off a cliff because this chessgame is making me yearn for death. Other days, I know that I must continue to hope, no matter what, because I have to believe that we're all here for a divine purpose and that God is the ultimate Grandmaster who doesn't make any false moves. How deep, ne? ~_^ In all seriousness, one can't help but get scared on a regular basis since life is just so bloody frustrating and hard to figure out - and someone dropped the ball when it came time to hand out the manuel! Yet, it's all a neverending cycle that's going to be repeated after all of us stop sucking air, and I pray that the afterlife is the greatest, most incredible reward for having suffered through this walk on earth. 05 October 2005 > ...and Other Foreign Things I'm creating a record for myself, I think. I've dated more foreign guys than most normal people have and I'm still going strong {this is the 5th} . I'm currently seeing a handsome, 32-year old Afghanistan guy...and let's just say it's interesting...in a good way... Foreigners are so very different from Americans - I know, an obvious statement until experienced personally. No matter where they're from, I find most foreign men to be scum [no offense, foreign boys], meaning they lust for sex only. Yet, for the first time, despite his flaws, I find this new guy to be a breath of fresh air. He still carries some of the arrogance and dangerous sexuality that foreign boys possess, but he's a good guy at heart, I believe, and already I care for him more than I would like to admit due to how attractive he is [shallow, I know], his genuine sweetness, vulnerability, strength, immense affection and whatnot. We'll see how long this lasts...It's nice not to be alone, ne? ~_^ 01 September 2005 > This is for you, Dave... Because he was feeling 'ill', Dave, a close friend of mine from the Central Valley, gets to be uttered in The Dark Queen's journal. Rejoice, Dave, rejoice. { Feel better now? ~_^ } 28 August 2005 > Summer Repose...OR NOT I feel old. Everyone who knows me has probably heard me mentioned this, oh, about a million times. But, I used to listen to Jazz/Big Band 24/7 and now I'm on an AM-Talk Radio hit and am secretly in love with Glenn Beck, a smart-ass, conservative talk show host. I'm a freak... My ex, Ryan, whom I love (and hate a little) dearly, emailed me once again. He has a gift for making me laugh, especially when I'm tired or irritable. I swore him off for, oh, the fourth time, following my Christian rebirth. *Sigh* But, I miss him too sometimes... I'm lost... My sister, Christine, is living with my grandmother and I now in the Bay Area. It's been interesting, to say the least. I'm dying to live on my own! I'm suffocating, but I know all of this will get better. I'm looking for more work to enable me to save and then jam. Wish me luck... 30 July 2005 > The Fresh and Fabulous Okay, my Boredom Level is clearing ... uh ... a high boredom level (heh) with this site. I no longer browse the Internet like the good 'ol days thus I have little interest in keeping up my own site. Alas. (I'm sure the masses will cry buckets). So, I think this page will be updated regularly from now on and become a blog-of-sorts...Bookmark me, damn it ~_^ I'm loving life (for the most part) right now. I've walked through Hell (my version) and survived (nevermind the scars). My family is breaking apart and I separated from my ex-boyfriend totally, both of which pains me deeply, but I think it will all be okay in the end. I have rededicated my life to Christ as well, so my path is much smoother than before; my soul rejoices. In looking toward the future, I feel like my life is just waiting to be painted. I will let God take the first swipe, and I pray that as I touch canvas, my colors burn boldly... 01 July 2005 > The Life Aquatic or Something Thereof I rented 'The Life Aquatic' starring Bill Murray a couple of weeks ago; highly recommended film for those who like off-beat, subtly humourous flicks with substance. Though a tad slow, it was an awesome film and character study. Gloat Gloat Gloat : I'm heading to the coast, to Mendocino, solo this weekend. Woot! ^_^ I despise Summertime with a passion and living with my Grandmother is getting claustrophobic. Alas. I need an escape to a coastal village to lift the spirit and cleanse my mind... Ah, congratulate me on being depression-free for one month now. Double Woot! ~_^ I've lost, literally, years of my life suffering, and now, I'm slowly getting back on track with my walk with God, my beautiful faith, and working towards picking up my shattered pieces of self...It's a good feeling... ...and on that note... *Happy 4th of July All* 30 May 2005 > Little Revolutions I have spent the Memorial Day weekend at my family's home, a much needed retreat from the East Bay which has had a calming effect on me. I also spoke and met with my old boyfriend whom I left seven months ago; that was truly special. Yet, as I perused old journal entries of mine last night, I realized that I've battled the same demons for years, literally. And here I thought I was making progress >_< But, I still feel the same and it's not pretty. Life makes no sense to me, despite the good times, and I wonder if I ever was on the right track. It's an unnerving train of thought. I think life should come with a warning lable. A big, fat one. As I leave today, I will depart with a renewed spirit, a fresh determination to battle myself and the negative life situations I encounter, moving toward a future that was set aside for me if only I can grasp it in my hands and make it mine. That, or die trying... Until we meet again... ...The Dark Queen |