Week38.page

Week 38
7/28/02 - 8/1/02

I feel like I am in fantasy land!!!!! 7/29 was my last doctor's appointment. It didn't hit me until we went to leave and didn't have to make our next Monday appointment for an NST!! Very strange feeling... I cannpt belive this journey has almost come to an end.

The little one did great on her last NST!!!! Our doctor kept saying how excited she was for Fri!!!!

I had an internal exam to see if anything was happening in there and still nothing. We now call my cervix, the invincable cervix... as after 2 1/2 days of inducing labor with Faith it never dialted and here in my 38th week of pregnancy still nothing!

The anticipation is just about killing me, everything feels so surreal. I feel like it is someone else having this baby on Friday and I will just continue to be pregnant forever!!!

Last night while I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking, even with all the worrying and waiting...looking back.... this pregnancy really did go by pretty fast... and this little one couldn't possible be done cooking yet?!?!

I have been thinking a lot about Faith lately, even more than usual. Last night I was replaying her funeral in my head and everyday I seem to have these "daydreams" of what it was like when I was in the hospital last time, saying our goodbyes to her and holding her. I guess it's all the thinking about the upcoming c-section reminds me of last time. I cry thinking that we will soon be sharing our happy ending with another baby and not her. But I also know that she is the reason why we have been blessed with this baby, and I try and remember that.

I have felt ultra emotional over the last few days, I can only imagine all of the sad but mostly happy and relieved tears that will be falling at the hospital!!!

I have also been wondering...How can you feel so ready and prepared for something, yet also feel so not ready and unprepared at the same time?!??!?

As this week progresses... I am feeling less and less ready... like I don't have enough directions or something! Am I really going to be able to do this?! I think Jim is feeling it too. Last night when we were laying in bed he said, "I really hope we don't screw our kids up!" I think we both know in our hearts that we will be fine, but I guess as it gets closer you start to doubt yourself.

Not to mention... with everything we have been through this year...it feels like pregnancy is this never ending journey. We spend so much energy on grieving, trying to conceive again, and pregnancy. I think the fact that there will actually be a baby coming home with us has always just felt like a distant possibility. Now that it looks like it may become our reality, it's like WHOA!!! Wait a minute... you aren't going to leave me to care for another human being are you?!

I am starting to think that knowing when the baby is coming is worse than not knowing. I have this timeframe in my head, and I can over analyze all this stuff. A couple of weeks ago when we had to go to the hospital and Jim and I weren't sure if it was "it", it was actually good because we just grabbed our bag, went, and dealt with it. We didn't have time to think about all this.

Now, all I can do is think about things! How much our life is going to change and wonder if I will be a good mom. I also get those silly fears, like what if she's 12lbs when she comes out, none of her clothes will fit her!

Anyway, I made it through the amnio. They first did a 45 min NST, the baby's heartbeat was doing some irregular things, like irregular beating and sounded like it was skipping beats. I got so scared. I kept thinking not now, not after all we have been through! But the nurses assured us it was ok and that they would have the doc look at it.

They took us in for the amnio and first did an ultra-sound for measurements. The baby according to the ultra-sound is 6lbs 8 oz. I know this is probably not an accurate figure, but it was good to have an idea, and I realy thought she would be much bigger.

The doctor came in, he was great! I was very relieved. He was really upbeat and made it seem like this amnio thing was no biggie. I really needed that attitude because I was so nervous. I seriously was considering not going through with it. My heart was pounding and tears were streaming down my face. I was so stressed!

They set everything up and the nurse had prepared me ahead of time as to what it would feel like and that it was really important that I didn't move. They found a really good spot of fluid that was not near the cord or placenta (lower risk). The doctor said it would be a piece of cake! (yeah for him maybe!)

I closed my eyes and just let them do their thing. There was no way I could look at the screen and see the needle going in. They made Jim sit down because they said they have had husbands pass out before!!!

Overall, it really wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was an achy feeling when the needle was in and my stomach around that area was a little crampy after but that's about it.

Afterwards, they did another NST to check on the baby, she did wonderfully, and was showing no irregularities. They looked on her ultra-sound and said she was fine, and when they checked for her practice breathing she was huffing and puffing away! The nurse said she was a show off! I told Jim it is her way of telling us it's time to come out!

They said we will have the results by dinner time, so the whole afternoon was just hurry up and wait. We decided to go out for a while as we were both going stir crazy, I called home to check messages after we had been out a while and YES!!! The call was there. We are all set for tomorrow!! We are really, finally, going to be having our little girl!