I must admit that this week just flew by.....I cannot believe I am going into my 6th week already! My pregnancy symptoms really were almost non-existant this week and maybe that helped to make time go faster because I wasn't "feeling" pregnant so I wasn't thinking about it as much. My strategy is to not think about being pregnant as much as possible , in the hopes that the pregnancy will move along faster and that I will not worry so much. We'll see how long that lasts.
Saturday morning I did break down and take another HPT (Ok I am up to 8!)....I just HAD to see that dark line!! All my other tests I took so early that the lines were light. I think I finally satisfied my need for taking more tests and my wallet can't afford to be buying anymore!!!
I very much have felt like 2 people at times......One still thinking about Faith all of the time, missing her and grieiving her loss......The other excited and anxious, singing along to happy songs on the radio and thinking of our new miracle...will it be a girl or a boy, what names will we pick, picturing myself walking to the cemetary next summer to visit Faith with her newborn sibling in a stroller with me. It's almost like being pulled in and out of different worlds constantly.
I have found that I am really emotional and tend to have a breakdown over things that shouldn't be that big of a deal but to me feel like the end of the world. And now I cannot help but wonder if it is from grieving, or is it the pregnancy hormones, or is it a combination of both?!? I just don't know anymore. Like one night after work, my little beaded bracelet that says Faith on it broke. It was an easy fix with a new button, but we decided to see if we could find better ones for us. Jim ended up finding a perfect one for him, with a sterling silver plate, and we had it engraved with "Faith" on it. But there was nothing that I liked......I totally lost it and was so very sad that he had a nice new bracelet to wear in memory of Faith and I didn't. Normally, I would have been sad but not hysterically crying like I was....but was it over Faith, or was it because I was over-tired and pregnant, or was it both! I just don't know.....
I haven't had too too many worries about a miscarriage so far, although I am always checking to make sure that I am not bleeding. Right now that is my worst fear, to see any kind of spotting or bleeding. I pray every day that I will never see it.
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