Chapter 1 Angel had been feeling slightly odd ever since they had returned from their latest demon hunt. It was a standard slice and dice, almost easy in comparison to some fights. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something had been missed or over looked. Trouble was brewing. Angel went to get his second mug of coffee when the feeling became stronger. “Buffy.” He whispered, turning to the kitchen doorway where he expected to find her. But she wasn’t there. He returned to pouring his coffee. But the feeling hit him again. He turned, put his mug down and began to search the apartment for her. “What ya doin?” asked Cordie. “Nothing. Don’t worry.” Then it hit him hard. Buffy in pain. She wasn’t here but she was calling to him. “I have to go.” Said Angel as he grabbed his coat. “What? Where?” “Sunnydale. She needs me.” “Wait! At least let,” the volume of her words tailed off once he was already out of the door. “Us help you.” She finished. “What was that?” asked Wes coming in from the bathroom. “Um, something about Buffy being in trouble I think.” “Did you have a vision?” “No. Angel just said she needed him and left.” At that same moment Angel was tearing out of LA heading for Sunnydale and breaking every traffic law known to man. Buffy stool in the doorway to her home looking at the stairs. They looked like Everest to her, an insurmountable challenge. “One step at a time.” She thought to herself as she looked to the floor and began placing one foot in front of the other. By the time she reached the top her mantra was ‘one step’ which she whispered over and over to herself. She feared if she stopped saying it she would loose the plot completely. “One step, one step, one step, one step, one step, one step, one step, one step,” She entered the bathroom and turned the hot tap on the shower on. Normally after slaying a bath would sooth her better but not tonight. She couldn’t sit in what would be ‘dirty’ water. “One step, one step, one step.” Buffy took the remainder of her clothes off and climbed into the shower. There was no cold water in the mix but Buffy didn’t care. She sat down and drew her legs up to her chest, the water flowed over her body. Once in the water, her intended destination, her words trailed off. She didn’t need them any more but in their place came something horrific. The memories of tonight. Without her mantra to protect her, the images came flooding back and Buffy cried, huge sobs which wracked her small body. Soon her skin was red from the heat in the water. Thankfully it wasn’t scolding in the summer’s house or she would have had serious burns. Buffy wouldn’t have cared though. She liked the pain. It was a cleansing pain. A pain that diminished her earlier pain. Chapter 2 Angel pulled up outside the Summers house to see it dark but the front door standing open. He knew she was here and not at the dorm, he could feel her. He entered the house wary of attack. What ever had caused Buffy her pain could still be here. He didn’t hear or see any signs of danger though. He looked around and noticed steam at the top of the stairs. He followed it. He found Buffy sitting in the shower, her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She was sobbing. Angel turned the light on and went to her, kneeling beside the bath. “Buffy?” She didn’t reply or acknowledge him in any way. Angel could see her lip was split and bruised. “Buffy it’s me.” He said reaching out and toughing her shoulder. Buffy instantly pulled away and her crying became harder. Angel didn’t understand it. He stood up beside the bath. His heart cried out in pain when he saw it. A line of blood, mixing with the water, heading for the plughole. He almost became hypnotised by it. The swirling of it around the plug before it ran out. The stream that ran between her legs, wider and thinner depending on the water. What hypnotised his wasn’t the blood itself. His vampire wasn’t the problem here. What had been done to Buffy was. Someone had violated her in the worst way imaginable. Angel knew if he stayed there he would scare Buffy. He quickly ran out to the street and picked a fight with the tree in the summer’s front garden. He pounded on the tree with all his might, punching, kicking, again and again, trying to work his anger out. Anger wasn’t what he needed now. Anger would come later. Finally he collapsed in a heap at the bottom of the tree, physically and emotionally exhausted. But he didn’t stay there. He couldn’t. Buffy needed him. Angel washed the blood from his own hands. Then, being careful not to touch her Angel put the plug into the bath and added some herbs to promote healing. They were probably something Willow had given Buffy for any bad fights she had been in. Buffy didn’t seem to notice him again. She was still crying but softer now, as though she had no energy left. Angel spoke soothingly to her, explaining what he was doing and reassuring her she was OK now. He would look after her. He left her briefly to find something for her to wear. He chose a big, navy towing robe he found in the airing cupboard and with some fresh towels returned to Buffy. He noticed her clothes on the bathroom floor for the first time. They were ripped and covered in blood. It was physically painful for him to touch them but he picked them up and threw them out before returning to her. She didn’t need any more reminders. The water that had collected on the bath was now a pink colour. Angel released the plug and let the water drain away. There was still blood flowing but it was less than before. Angel thought it probably looked worse because it was diluted with water. He put the plug in again and added more herbs, all the while talking softly to her. Finally she moved. She opened her eyes and wiped the water from her face. More water cascaded down on her though so Angel redirected the showerhead for her. “Buffy.” He said again. She looked at him. It was a look he would never forget. Her features were haunted. “I couldn’t stop him.” She said weakly. “I know. I know. It’s not your fault.” Tears sprung anew from Buffy’s eyes, silently they rolled down her face. “I got you something to wear.” He said as he placed the robe by the bathtub. He handed her a towel. “I don’t know if it’s what you want, it was the best I could find.” Buffy stared at the towel. “Come on,” encouraged Angel gently. “I’ll make you some hot chocolate.” Buffy reached for the towel and looked into his eyes. Angel gave a small smile, he hoped it was reassuring. “I’ll be downstairs.” Angel waited until Buffy made a move to get up, then he left her. The last thing she needed right now was a man to see her naked. Angel boiled the milk and called LA. He was brief and told them nothing useful, he just explained he wouldn’t be back any time soon then hung up. He finished making the chocolate, two mugs, to Buffy’s he added a large shot of brandy. Buffy hadn’t appeared by this time so he took them and went to find her. Buffy was in the bathroom, the towel wrapped around her, staring into the mirror at her reflection. He saw her reach out and clear the steam again. Angel picked the robe up and placed it around her shoulders, encouraging her to put her arms in the sleeves. She did. He pulled the robe closed, tied the belt and guided her to the hallway, then to her bedroom. He didn’t remove the towel underneath for the same reason he hadn’t stayed while she changed. He sat her on the bed. She immediately drew her legs up again in a protective posture. He found Mr Gordo and gave him to her. Buffy accepted the toy and hugged it. Angel retreated to get the drinks and handed Buffy one. He had very little experience of this type of trauma but his hope was that childhood things, like hot chocolate and her toy, would make her feel safe again. Angel sat at the other end of the bed from her and sipped his drink. “Should I call anyone?” he asked. Buffy shook her head. “No. I cant… I can’t deal with that too.” Angel nodded. “Is there anything you need?” she shook her head. “Can I do anything?” Another shake. “Where’s your mother?” “LA, buying trip.” Angel nodded this time. “Drink up.” He encouraged. It wasn’t much but the milk and sugar would help her slayer metabolism to heal her. Hopefully the brandy would calm her slightly and let her get some rest. He knew she wouldn’t get much sleep tonight but he didn’t want to leave her to find sleeping pills. He made do with what he had. ‘Herbs and Brandy.’ He thought to himself. ‘Not exactly the recomended approach.’ “I’ll set up a bed on the floor.” He explained to her. “If you need me I’ll be here.” Buffy looked into his eyes. She didn’t smile but Angel could see she was grateful. Buffy wanted to ask him to hold her. To lay in her bed with him, to feel protected by his arms. But she couldn’t. The image was nice but when she thought of the reality of his hands on her she knew she couldn’t do it. It wasn’t Angel, she would have felt that way about anyone right now. Angel silently made his bed up on the floor and went to turn the light off. “No. Leave it on.” Angel nodded. “You should get under the covers.” He said. Buffy nodded. Angel took great pains not to touch her directly as he pulled the covers down and back over her form, she now lay in the foetal position, facing his bed on the floor. Angel lay down in his makeshift bed. They lay silently, both hoping for a sleep that would probably not come. “I’m sorry.” He whispered almost silently as Buffy drifted off to sleep. “Sorry?” she asked. He had thought she was asleep. “Sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.” Buffy smiled humourlessly at the sentiment. “Me too.” Chapter 3 Neither slept well that night. Buffy eventually drifted off into a restless sleep but she frequently woke up. Angel also couldn’t sleep, his thoughts were filled with revenge and every sound Buffy made brought him out of his shallow slumber. It seemed they almost took turns in dosing. Angel would lie there, staring at Buffy’s sleeping eyes. She didn’t look peaceful even in sleep any more. His mind raced with thoughts and plans for who had done this. Angel wanted nothing more than to sweep her in his arms and carry her away from here. Of course she didn’t want him touching her so sweeping was out. And anywhere he took her the problem would follow. Buffy too gazed at Angel when she couldn’t sleep. She noticed that although his slumber was light his face kept changing. Almost like a battle was raging within him. Strangely this didn’t frighten Buffy. She knew Angel would never hurt her and it comforted her to see signs of his demon emerging. His anger would help them when the time came to face her fear. Buffy woke from another nightmare at about 5am. She didn’t want to sleep again and subject herself to the nightmares. She sat up, trying not to wake Angel. He was already awake though and immediately sat up when he heard her move. “What is it?” he asked, concern in his voice. “Nothing. I want to get up.” Angel nodded. “I’ll make some coffee.” “Thanks.” Buffy wanted to head for the bathroom but it was no longer a good place for her. Instead she retrieved her toothbrush and paste and went to use the kitchen sink. Her body was full of aches and pains. She grabbed some Tylenol from the bathroom cabinet too. She had a feeling she was going to need it today. Angel looked up questioningly when he saw her. She flashed the toothbrush at him and he nodded his understanding. “Eggs?” he asked. “OK.” “How do you want them?” “Cooked. Preferably.” Angel smiled. A flicker of his Buffy was returning. He didn’t expect it to last but it was a start. She was strong, he new she’d get through this. Buffy cleaned her teeth while Angel made scrambled eggs and toast. The only background noise was the coffee maker bubbling away. Buffy sat at the table and drank from the glass of orange juice Angel had put out for her. He didn’t want to ask the next few questions, so he didn’t. It was daylight so there wasn’t much he could do anyway. He decided to let Buffy enjoy breakfast as much as she could before he questioned her. Buffy ate in almost silence, seemingly hypnotised by the eggs. “They OK?” angel asked her. Buffy looked up. “Yeah, their fine. Thanks.” Angel decided to leave her to it for a while. Buffy sat there trying to think of her day. She had no intention of going to class today but it helped keep her thoughts off recent events. The phone rang. She heard Angel answer it. She hoped it wasn’t her friends, hoped they wouldn’t come over. Buffy was glad Angel was here but she didn’t think she could handle more than one person at a time right now. And explaining to them what had happened… Well she didn’t know how to. The words wouldn’t come. She couldn’t hear what Angel said but she heard him hang up the phone. Buffy finished her eggs and went to get changed. She couldn’t stay in her robe all day. She opted for sweat pants and a baggy, lumberjack type shirt. It was probably one of Riley’s. Buffy's heart sank when she through of him. How could she tell him? How could she keep their relationship going if she couldn’t bear to be touched by him? He would probably understand but it Buffy felt guilty about not wanting him to touch her. It wasn’t his fault but he would be the one to pay the price. She changed deciding that was something to be dealt with when it happened. She went down stairs again to see Angel in the living room. He looked grave. Buffy didn’t want to face his questions but she knew she’d have to. And of all people Angel would be her choice. She sat down, the other end of the sofa from him and took a sip of the coffee he had placed there for her. “How are you feeling?” he asked. “Sore, ashamed, depressed, embarrassed.” She paused. “Want me to go on?” her words were bordering on playful but her tone was hollow and lifeless. “I know you don’t want to do this but we have to.” Buffy nodded. “I know.” Angle waited for her to continue but she didn’t. “Who did it?” he asked. “A vamp. Called himself Leonard.” “How?” Buffy took a deep breath. “I don’t know how. I was on parole, hadn’t found anything all night. Not much all week actually. It’s been really quiet lately.” She knew she was avoiding the subject so she took a deep breath and continued. “Anyway. I came across him.” She paused, her eyes were not focused on the here and now but rather on the events of last night. “It was weird. Like he knew he would over power me.” Another pause. “I… I just didn’t have my usual strength. He… He got the upper hand.” Another pause. Her face was a canvas of pain. “Then, after, he thanked me for the…The… Ride of his life. He said he’d be seeing me again.” Tears began to spring from Buffy’s eyes. “I can’t go out there again Angel. I cant.” Unthinkingly she leaned into Angel who hugged her and tried to comfort her, stroking her hair and talking softly to her. “Shh, you wont have to go out there. Not until we find out why you were so weak and you wont be alone. Not ever again.” Buffy cried for along time, sometimes relating facts to him, sometimes speaking things he didn’t understand. Sometimes just sobbing. While Angel tried to comfort her he thought of Leonard. He knew him, he was another of the Masters children, sired a few decade after Angelus was. He was strong being from the same lineage. He was also cockey. He always fancied himself as another Master but he was too quick to run head long into situations to gain any real power or respect. Angel wondered just what he wanted to do with Buffy. He had killed one slayer but that had been a clean kill, no games since that had been a matter of life and death. Why he would come after Buffy and then leave her alive was a mystery. Eventually Buffy stopped crying and sat up, wiping her eyes. A shiver ran through her. “Are you cold?” “No. Just scared.” Angel nodded. “We need to find out why you’re weaker.” Buffy nodded. “But I’m not up to any sparing. And tests will have to be low on the exertion meter.” Angel nodded. “I was thinking a blood test to start.” Buffy nodded. “I’ll call Willow, see if she can do some research for us.” Fear briefly passed over Buffy’s face at the thought of facing someone else. “Don’t worry.” Angel reassured her. “I’ll be with you.” Buffy took a deep breath. She had nothing to fear from Willow. She was being silly. As though reading her mind Angel said. “It’s not silly, it’s perfectly natural. Don’t worry, she’ll understand.” Willow was the better choice since she had the science brain. Giles would have to be told eventually, but not for a while. Not until Buffy was ready. They were interrupted by a knock on the door. “If it isn’t Willow send them away.” Angel nodded and answered the door. Chapter 4 “You!” said Riley. “Buffy’s busy at the moment.” Said Angel simply. “Willow said she was hurt, she was in a bad fight.” “She was.” “So why are you here.” “To help.” Riley tried to barge past Angel but he was no match and Angel easily held him back. “It’s OK. Let him in.” called Buffy from the living room. Angel released Riley. Riley smirked at Angel and went through to Buffy. “Are you OK?” he asked going to hug her. Buffy flinched away from him. Riley took the message and sat down, away from her. Buffy took another deep breath. “Something happened. Last night.” “Did he hurt you?” asked riley referring to Angel. “No. No…” God, how could she tell him? She couldn’t say the words. They wouldn’t come. “She was attacked.” Said Angel. “Attacked? Like she is every night?” Angel shook his head. “No, she was…” The pause hung there. Neither Buffy nor Angel wanted to give voice to what needed to be said. Almost as if it would only be real once they spoke of it. Riley looked between the two, neither would meet his gaze. Buffy took a long swig of coffee and a deep breath. “Raped. I was raped.” With the vocalisation the tears returned. Riley’s face fell. He couldn’t believe it. “What? How? I mean you’re the slayer! Who? I swear to god if I get my hands on that bastard he’s gonna be history.” “Stop.” Said Buffy quietly. “I don’t need this. Please Riley. Just give me some time. I need to be alone.” Riley looked towards Angel. “But he’s OK?” he knew his anger was being directed at Buffy but he couldn’t help it. He had to get the anger out. Buffy responded harshly to his words. “He knew I needed help. He came all the way from LA on a feeling. Where were you? Huh?” she realised what she was doing and stopped herself. “I… Please, just go. Give me time.” Riley made no move to leave. “Please.” Riley accepted he should go. Plus the fact he was far too angry to sit still. He got up and stormed to the door, glaring at Angel as he passed him. “I’ll be back.” He said as he slammed the door. Buffy hugged herself, shaking. “It’s not his fault. He was angry. He needed a target.” “Haven’t I been enough of a target?” sobbed Buffy. Angel sat beside her. “That’s not what I mean. You’ve been through hell. I just want you to know he didn’t mean it. Any of it. In a couple of hours he’ll realise what a huge fool he was.” Buffy wiped away more tears. “Doesn’t make it right though.” Angel had no words for that. So he just sat with her. Chapter 5 Willow came around an hour later. She hadn’t been told why she was needed, just that she’s need a microscope, syringe and the standard blood test kit. It wasn’t hart to get. The university’s biology lab had everything she needed. She was shocked to see Buffy. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. “Oh my God, Buffy, what happened?” she said going over to her friend. Buffy hugged her but it was a stiff, uncomfortable hug. Willow soon pulled away looking even more concerned. “I was attacked Will.” “Attacked?” Buffy’s look confirmed her fears. “Oh God. Buffy. I… I’m so sorry.” Buffy felt the tears return, she tried her best to hold them back. “Can we just keep this business for now. I cant… You know.” “Sure, what ever you need. I got the stuff Angel asked for. What do you need.” Angel spoke up now. “Buffy was weaker last night. I want to know why, I thought the best was to start was with blood tests.” “OK, OK, not a problem.” Willow rummaged in her bags and pulled out the syringe kit. She handed the rest of the bag to Angel. “Set this up in the dining room.” She turned to Buffy. “I’ve never drawn blood before so I hope I don’t hurt you. I’ve read how to do it but the theory is often different from the actual…” Buffy stopped her by raising her hand. “I trust you Will. Lets just get this over with.” “OK, well, um sit down.” Willow went through the kit, brought out a rubber tourniquet. Buffy was already rolling the sleeve of her shirt. Willow tied the rubber above her elbow and attached the needle to the syringe. “OK,” she said, needle poised. “Um, you might want to look away.” Buffy turned her head away and Willow tried to draw the blood. She missed the vein the first time but seceded the second. “OK, all done.” She said as she capped the needle and taped a cotton ball over the needle marks. They went through to the dining room. Angel had set up and plugged in all the equipment. Willow first logged onto her favourite medical website on her laptop then she prepared some slides. “Looks normal under the microscope.” She said. “So what does that mean?” asked Buffy. “It means the appearance of the blood cells hasn’t been altered.” “So I’m fine then, normal?” “Well maybe, there are a lot of other tests to be done before we can say that.” Willow spent the rest of the afternoon preparing different blood slides, adding a drop of different chemicals to each slide to see what reaction it would have with the blood and any foreign substances that could be in the blood. “Whoa!” said Willow at one point. “What?” asked Angel. He and Buffy had basically just been sitting watching her. “There’s something here. I’m not sure what though. Gimme a minute.” She turned to her laptop and began typing. “Umm.” She said sitting back. “What?” asked Buffy. “Well I found something and it resembles a muscle relaxant used primarily on people who have muscle spasms. But not exactly. There’s no exact match in here.” “But if it resembles it isn’t it safe to assume it’s a muscle relaxant and that’s why Buffy was weaker?” asked Angel. “Probably. We need to know what it is though.” “Can you print out it’s properties for me?” “Sure.” Willow printed the information she had from the medical database and handed it to Angel. “I need to make a phone call.” Angel went into the kitchen and called LA. “Angel!” said Cordie when she answered. “What’s this about? It’s not like you don’t have work here you know.” “Cordie, please, this is important. I need to talk to Wes.” “What’s so important that you’d abandon you mission for?” “Cordie! Just put Wes on he line.” Cordie handed the phone over grumbling in the background. “Angel? What can I do?” Angel read the chemical properties of the substance out to Wes and told him everything they’d found out. “I need to know what this is. It was used on Buffy.” Wes was silent. “Wes?” “I… I’m not really sure how to say this…” “Just say it. This isn’t a game.” “No, I realise that. It sounds like one of the chemicals used on slayers for their challenge. You remember, when they reach 18?” “So your saying the council did this to her?” “NO! Well not yet. Let me speak to Willow, I’ll tell her the other chemicals in the mix and how to look for them. Once we know it’s the same formula, we can begin to assign blame.” Angel took a deep breath. “OK, I’ll pass you over.” As willow and Wes spoke Angel explained what had been said to Buffy. “You think they did this?” she asked him. “I don’t know. It’s possible someone else got the formula and used it on you.” “But if it is them then….” Giles. She couldn’t speak it out loud. He would never do this to her again. Would he? Angel took Buffy’s hands. “Just keep a cool head if you can. When we know more we can take the next step and find out who.” Buffy nodded, wiping away tears. Chapter 6 By nightfall they had discovered that eight out of the nine chemicals used by the council were present.” “So what does that tell us?” asked Buffy. “Well I would say if the council was doing this they’d use the usual formula, they wouldn’t change it. If only we knew the amounts used that might help discount them as a suspect.” Answered Willow. “I don’t think it was the council.” Said Angel. They both looked at him. “I think it was Leonard.” “Leonard?” asked Willow. “Yeah…” Said Buffy thinking back to his words. “He knew he’d win….” Figuring out who Leonard was Will asked “But how could he get the formula? Isn’t it like a secret?” “You can get anything if you’re desperate enough.” Said Angel. “Now we need to know how he fed it to Buffy.” “Well it takes a while right?” asked Willow. “To work? So he’s have to give it to her over say a week or so.” Angel nodded. “But what could he put it in? How could he give it to her?” “Food?” asked Buffy. “I know Giles injected me but maybe it can be given orally too.” “Well we live together so if it’s something you ate I’d have eaten it too.” said Willow. She took a clean needle and pricked her finger. She squeezed a few drops onto a slide and added a drop from one of her many chemicals. “Well I have at least one of the same chemicals,” she said lifting her face from the microscope. “I think it’s safe to assume it’s in something we both ate or drank.” “I’ll go over to your dorm, clean the fridge out. Once we know what it’s in we can lead that back to who put it there.” Buffy took Angels’ hand in a silent plea for him not to go. Angel covered her hand with his and looked into her eyes. There were no words spoken but the message was clear. This had to be done, she would be OK and he would be back. Angel lightly kissed her forehead and left. Buffy felt uneasy when he had gone. He was her protector now. She told herself not to be silly. She was still the slayer, she was strong enough to handle being alone for a while. And she still had willow with her. She would just have to get used to it. “Coffee?” she asked Willow having decided keeping busy was the best thing. “Sure.” Buffy went to make it. Angel quickly cleared out the contents of Willow and Buffy’s fridge. He also took the opened dried foods from the cupboards assuming no one would be able to tamper with unopened packet foods or cans. Laden down with the food he returned to the summers house, stopping on the way to buy some sleeping medication. The strongest he could over the counter. Buffy tried not to look too happy when Angel returned. She couldn’t rely on him for ever, he would have to leave again eventually. She was watching TV when he came back. Angel checked she was OK then took the food to Willow. Willow began with the drinks, they would be easiest to test. There was another knock on the door. Angel answered it. Riley was there again, looking chastened. He wouldn’t meet Angels gaze. “Can I see Buffy?” Angel assumed it was OK and let him in. He went through to Buffy. “Buffy, I’m so sorry. I behaved like an idiot.” Buffy nodded. “It’s OK.” “No, it isn’t. I was just so angry someone would do this. I couldn’t see straight.” Buffy smiled slightly trying to reassure him. It wasn’t OK, his words had stung her. But she could understand it if not forgive it. “I know you didn’t mean it Riley. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. But you did.” “I’m sorry Buffy. I am so sorry.” “Me too. I just need time Riley, can you give me time?” Riley nodded. She was pushing him away. He deserved it but he as hoping she would forgive him. But if space was what she needed, he would give it to her. “OK, I’ll leave you alone. Just promise you’ll call me if you need me.” “I will.” Riley turned to leave. “Riley.” He turned back. “Thank you.” He nodded, smiled tightly and left. (Above sent, on t21 and on site) Chapter 7 After Riley left Angel went to check on her. He sat beside her on the sofa. “Are you OK?” She just nodded. “Really?” Buffy looked him in the eyes. “Really? No. Everything’s just so…” she paused, looking for the right words. “Everything’s different. It’s like I don’t see things the same way any more. Things that used to be easy, normal, they just seem… I don’t know. They’re just so hard and scary.” Angel moved closer to Buffy and took her hand. “We both know this isn’t easy Buffy. I have no real idea what your going through but I will be here for as long as you need me.” “That’s the thing. I feel like I’ll need you forever. I want someone to protect me ‘cos I feel like…” her words trailed off and the tears began to form. “I feel like I cant do it any more. Not only cant I protect myself, I cant protect anyone else. What good am I to them if I cant even… Cant even…” She broke down and Angel pulled her to him. “Shh. It’s OK. I know you feel like that now but I promise you, that will change. And I’ll help you, we’ll all help you.” “But you’ll leave again, you have to and… I love the gang but that cant really help me. You’re the only one strong enough to do that and you’ll leave me again.” “No. Buffy, I can promise you I’ll never leave if you need me. I’ll be here for as long as it takes.” “What about LA?” “We’ll figure something out. Maybe when you’re feeling better I can commute or something. I don’t know yet Buffy, I don’t have the answers but I’m not going anywhere. Not until your OK.” Buffy wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer and they sat there until Buffy’s tears dried. “Thank you.” She said sitting up again. Angel smiled slightly. “It’s OK.” Angel reached into his pocket. “here.” He said handing her the sleeping pills. “What are these for?” she asked. “To help you sleep. It’s got to be damn near impossible right now so I’m hoping these will help.” Buffy thought about it. A few house of blissful, uninterrupted sleep seemed a fantastic idea. For a while at least she would be at peace. Buffy opened the pack while Angel fetched a glass of water. “Got it!” called willow a few minutes later. Buffy and Angel went through to see. “It’s in the milk.” She said triumphantly. Buffy nodded but looked glum. Willow’s smile faltered slightly. “This is good right?” she asked. “Yeah Will. It’s good we know. It’s just the thought that I’ve been poisoning myself. Makes me…” she shivered. Willow nodded. A simple drink would never be the same for either of them again. “So what’s next?” asked Willow. Angel sat down and began the questions. Where did they shop? Who had access to their room? Who had been in their room in the last week? When was the last time they shopped? He decided that either someone had been in their room without them knowing or the shop that sold the milk to them had given them a poisoned bottle. Angel saw Buffy growing tired, her eyes looked heavy and he suggested she sleep. Angel stayed with her until she dozed off then he went to talk to willow again. I need a favour.” He began. “Sure, what?” “I need you to buy some more milk tonight. I’ll be watching you the whole time, you wont be in any danger. Then once you’ve put it in the fridge come back here. I was thinking we could leave Xander to watch over your dorm room tomorrow. He’ll tell us who if anyone comes in and tampers with it.” “Ok, I can do that.” Willow left for the shop while Angel went for Xander. Willow would do a normal shop but made sure she didn’t pick up any milk until Angel got there. Chapter 8 Xander opened the door and was shocked to say the least. “I need your help.” Angel said simply. “Are you evil?” “No.” Xander looked him up and down. “OK, come in.” Angel didn’t tell him about Buffy, just that he needed Xander to spent the night and day at Buffy’s dorm room because he suspected someone was breaking in. “OK, sounds easy enough. Except for when the really big man breaks in and doesn’t like me there.” “Don’t worry, it cant be a vampire, they’d have to be invited. Just hide from anyone else. And if you can, follow them when they leave.” “OK, hiding I can handle.” Xander’s expression then changed to grave. “She’s in trouble isn’t she?” Angel nodded. “OK, what ever she needs, let’s get this show on the road.” Xander quickly got dressed and they left the basement together. Willow saw Angel at the end of the isle she was in. she hurried up the rest of her shopping now she knew he was there watching. Angel watched Willow as she picked the milk off the shelf. No one looked at her or noticed her. He watched as she cleared the checkout. Nothing unusual. He met up with her briefly outside and told her to return to the dorm as usual, he wanted to watch those she had had contact with in the store. Willow was a little scared but she knew she wasn’t the target here. And Xander would be waiting at the dorm. She agreed and Angel went back inside. About half an hour before dawn he left. He had what he needed. The checkout woman had placed an odd call as she finished her shift. She opened a cell phone, dialled and simply said. “Got another one.” Before hanging up. Angel assumed this was how they knew when to tamper with the drink. He returned to Buffy. Willow said she was going back there but he wanted to be there for her too. Willow was also asleep when he returned, she was curled up on Buffy’s floor. Angel smiled at how peaceful they looked. It reminded him of a sleepover modern children have. Then the reality hit him again. His smile faltered. Turning he went downstairs to the couch, his turn to sleep. Buffy woke up with a start, a sheen of perspiration covering her forehead. She breathed deeply telling herself it was just a dream. Calmer, she looked over to where Angel should be sleeping but found Willow instead. Fear pricked at Buffy’s heart and she went to look for him. She found him on the sofa, asleep. She smiled when she saw him. He hadn’t left her. He had been true to his word. Buffy went closer and watched him sleep for a while. How she had loved that face. Every inch of it was memorised. But that was the past. Riley was the present. She wondered if this would have happened if Angel had stayed with her. Would he have been patrolling with her that night? It was a nice dream to think of how things might have been but that wasn’t reality. Reality… Well she didn’t know what reality was at the moment, other than cold and brutal. With a sigh Buffy left her day dreams behind and went to get breakfast. Willow joined her a few minutes later. Buffy signalled her with a finger over her lips to be quiet and pointed to the living room. Willow took a look and nodded her understanding. “I don’t want to wake him.” Said Buffy quietly. Willow smiled. “It’s OK. I would like to know what he found out though.” “Found out?” “We did some investigating after you fell asleep. I didn’t hear him come back.” Buffy wasn’t sure if she wanted to know or not. On the one hand she had to know who was doing this to stop them. On the other hand she would then have to confront them. Willow saw Buffy’s worried expression and gently touched her arm. “hey, it’s going to be OK. We will get the bad guys.” Buffy nodded half heartily. Willow checked her watch. “We should be leaving for class soon.” “What?” “If we were at the dorm’s we should be leaving soon.” Off Buffy’s puzzled expression she explained Xander was waiting there for anyone who came in. “So we follow him to who ever he meets and follow them and hopefully, eventually we’ll find out where Leonard or whoever is.” Said Buffy. “Hopefully.” “OK, I can handle that.” Buffy tried to reassure herself. Above on t21 and yahoo Chapter 9 Reluctantly Buffy decided she should take a bath. Willow tried to make the bathroom a happy place. She used Joyce’s perfume to make it smell nice and ran Buffy a bubble bath with healing herbs in. She also played some relaxing music on Buffy’s stereo in the hallway. Buffy was flooded by the memories of the other night when she walked in but she kept telling herself she could do this. It was only a bathroom, one she had used for years. She undressed and sat in the bath, trying to concentrate on the music from the hall. She leaned back and closed her eyes trying to ignore the sting of the hot water on her injuries. Gradually her heart rate slowed slightly. Her muscles began relaxed. Her mind began to enjoy the music instead of just finding it a distraction. She stayed there for half an hour before getting out. That had been her challenge, to stay there that long. Once her sentence was over though she hurriedly dried herself and left. It was a good start. One obstacle at a time. And no matter how simple taking a bath had been it was the first obstacle she had had to over come. She was pleased with herself. She wasn’t comfortable in there but she also wasn’t scared any more. She dressed for the day and went downstairs. Angel was awake now and talking to Xander on the phone. Buffy looked quizzically at Willow. “I think he has a lead.” Willow explained. “I don’t know what though.” Angel hung up and turned to them. “Someone went in just now. Xander doesn’t know who but he’s got a good description. The man then left and met with someone outside. Someone in a car with dark windows. The man gave him something Xander assumes was Money and then drove off.” “So we still don’t know for sure who was in the car or where they live.” Said Buffy. Angel smiled. “That’s the good part. We have a license number. I’ll call Cordie now, she can look it up. Once we have a name for the car we can probably trace whoever it is through credit cards, band accounts, anything.” “Yeah,” agreed willow. “I can hack into the computers, that’s not a problem. But what if it is a vamp and they don’t really carry cards.” “If it is Leonard he’ll have an identity. He liked the high life and for that you have to have certain things. Like bank accounts, cars, houses. And for all that you need an identity.” Buffy grew scared again. The thought of facing her fear loomed large. She tried to push it down. “OK, call ‘em.” She said. Chapter 10 Angel desperately wanted Buffy to go out today. He wanted her first trip to be in sunlight where she would both be and feel safer. Unfortunately he couldn’t take her and Willow was involved in hacking into various different banks. He wondered if she would go alone but discounted that idea. Even if she was willing she shouldn’t have to go alone. Angel received a possible solution around lunchtime when Giles called. Angel answered the door. “Buffy. I was worried.” Said Giles as he saw her in the hall. “I’ve been calling but all I’m ever told is that your OK and I shouldn’t visit. Well I held off as long as I could but… I had to make sure you were alright.” Buffy took a deep breath. “Giles, something happened the other night.” Giles looked confused but didn’t interrupt. “I… I was attacked. I couldn’t fight them off.” Buffy looked at Giles to see he still looked befuddled. “I was raped.” “I… Oh dear god. Buffy… I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” “Fine, for now. We’re trying to trace who did it.” “Buffy.” Said Angel. “Why don’t you and Giles take a walk together. Maybe get some coffee, some fresh air.” Buffy looked towards the opened front door. “I don’t really feel like a walk right now.” Angel took her hand and led her to the kitchen, leaving Giles alone in the hallway. “Buffy, you know you can do this. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I don’t mean physically.” Buffy sighed. “I know. I know it’s daylight. I know I’ll be safe. But the fear is so strong. I know it’s not rational or logical but it is real.” Angel put his hands on Buffy’s shoulders. “You can do this. I believe in you. You’ll have Giles, you’ll be safe. Think strong. For me?” he kissed her forehead. “Your right. I can do this.” Buffy took a deep breath, turned and walked straight out of the front door, calling for Giles to follow. “Uh, where are we going exactly?” asked Giles as they left. Angel stood beside the front door, watching them go. He was worried. He knew she would be safe but he wanted to be with her, just in case. Once they were out of site he reluctantly left the door and went to see how willow was getting on. Buffy and Giles walked silently for a while. For his part Giles wasn’t sure what to say. He had never encountered this before. Death, demons, mayhem, those he knew. This… Well, he just didn’t know how to make it better. Buffy was nervous. It was a glorious day, nothing amiss, the trees were beautiful, the sky clear. But she still didn’t feel comfortable. Her eyes moved nervously over the faces of everyone she saw, looking for him. She knew he was a vampire, he couldn’t possibly be out now. But still she looked. Eventually Giles decided he had to speak. “Buffy. I’m totally at a loss here. I don’t know what to do to help you.” “Nothing. There’s nothing you can do.” “I was afraid of that.” “Don’t be. I’ll get over this Giles. And when I’m strong again, I’ll kick that vampires ass back to hell.” “Yes. I dare say that would be very therapeutic.” He paused briefly to consider the statement. “Strong again?” “Yeah. He’s been feeding me that crap the council developed to make me weak.” “Dear lord!” “We’re using it against him. Angel had Xander watch for someone going into our room to tamper with our food. Xander followed him and got a license number that they’re using to track this bastard down.” “Well, you do seem to have things remarkably under control considering the circumstances.” Buffy formed a wry smile and laughed. “I wish.” “Buffy you must give yourself credit here. I… Well I couldn’t imagine anyone being able to bounce back as quickly as you seem to be.” Buffy sighed and sat on the nearest wall. “It’s not me Giles. It’s Angel. He’s the one looking into all this. I can barely stand to take a bath.” Giles sat down next to her but didn’t say anything. Buffy put her face in her hands. “I know I have to face this bastard Giles but I don’t think I can.” Giles rested his hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “I think you under estimate yourself Buffy.” Buffy looked at him, tears shimmering in her eyes. “No. I just cant. Even if I’m strong enough physically again I cant look at him. I’ll just… Freeze. I…” Giles took Buffy in his arms. “Don’t worry Buffy. We wont do this until your ready. And we’ll be there with you.” Buffy nodded and pulled away, wiping her tears away. “I know. I…” she sighed. It was just too complex to vocalise. “Come on. I want that coffee.” They began walking again. Above on T21 and yahoo Chapter 11 Angel sat reviewing the information Willow had found with her computer. The car was registered under the identity of Mr John Raymond. They had also found a social security number, bank account and credit cards for him. The picture on the driving licence was clearly Leonard. Shorter hair than the last time they met but still him. Angel was going through the most recent card statements looking for pay payments what might give a clue as to his whereabouts in Sunnydale. Willow was then looking each transaction up for more information. “This one,” said Angel. “To SG Carter Inc for $400. Reference 135286.” Willow typed. “Nothing helpful. I’ll look the company up on the search engines.” She typed into the computer and scanned the results. “It looks like a letting agent. They have offices all over California.” “What’s the closest office?” “Santa Monica.” Angel pulled out his cell phone and called Wes. “We think we have a lead.” Angel explained. “A Mr john Raymond paid SG Carter $400 recently, they’re a letting agent. I’m guessing it was for a short tern let. I want you to go to the Santa Monica office and see if they have any thing coming up soon in the Sunnydale area.” “OK, I think I can handle that.” Wes paused. “Angel, I don’t mean to pry but what does all this mean? You called yesterday about the drugs, and then the licence number, now this. What’s going on?” Angel wasn’t sure if he should tell them. He wanted to respect Buffy’s privacy. On the other hand they did have a right to know why they were doing all this. “Buffy was raped the other night Wes. We’re trying to track down who did it.” “Oh… In that case consider it done. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” “I appreciate it Wesley.” “And Angel?” “Yeah?” “Take care of her.” “I am.” Angel hung up. They continued going through the rest of the card statements but couldn’t find anything useful. They would just have to wait for Wesley now and hope he could get the information hey needed. Xander came by shortly after to check on Buffy. Willow explained the whole story. “Oh man! That’s gotta… I mean she must be…. Poor Buffy.” “I know.” Said Willow. “She’s getting over it. She’s out with Giles now, her first trip out. She will bounce back Xander.” “But will she bounce back the same?” Willow hadn’t considered that. She had been so focused on helping Buffy and solving the puzzles she hadn’t stopped to consider the long term changes this could cause in her. Buffy and Giles returned to a house full of delicious smells. “What’s going on?” Buffy asked entering the kitchen. “Nothing. We just thought we’d get dinner started.” Said Willow. “Is it ok if we stay?” Buffy looked around. Willow, Xander and Giles plus Angel who had to be somewhere in the house. That was a lot of people. Well it seemed like a lot. But they were her friends and they were trying to help her. “Sure. What are we having?” “Something Tara taught me, chicken in mushroom and red wine sauce with new potatoes and roasted peppers.” “Umm, sounds yummy. Where’s Angel?” “Upstairs. Exercising I think.” “I’ll just see if he’s OK.” Buffy excused herself from the many bodies in the kitchen. She found Angel practicing his tai chi in the spare room. “Buffy.” He smiled. “Was it OK? The walk I mean?” “Fine. You were right, it did me good.” “So your OK then?” “I’m a few county lines over from OK but I feel better.” “Do you feel up to practicing with me?” Buffy wondered if she did. It was something she enjoyed. But it also reminded her of her slayerness and the fact she’d have to face Leonard soon. “Maybe tomorrow.” Angel didn’t press it. “I’m nearly done anyway.” “Good.” Buffy paused. “The gangs all here.” She said. “I know. Does that bother you?” “A little. But I have to get used to people again. Most of all them.” Angel just nodded. “Yeah, I’m OK with it.” She decided. “What time is it?” he asked. Buffy looked in her bedroom at her alarm clock. “Almost 5, why?” “I need to go out and buy some clothes after dark.” “Yeah, I guess you do need something else to wear. Riley left some clothes here, you could wear them.” She suggested, not wanting him to leave. “Thanks but army surplus isn’t my style.” Buffy was silent. “You’ll be OK.” Angel reassured her. “I know!” Buffy snapped. “Oh god. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like that.” “It’s OK. Can I use your shower?” “Sure. I’ll be downstairs.” Buffy ran out. He wasn’t who she was angry with. She was angry with herself. Angry that she’d let it happen, angry she felt weak, angry that she couldn’t face going out at night… the list went on and on. She sat alone in the living room, her emotions bubbling under the surface, trying to reason her way to being calm again. Above on T21 & yahoo Chapter 12 The evening wasn’t as bad as Buffy had expected. She had fun, if not as much fun as she used to have. Giles was fairly silent, unsure what he should say or do. Willow was over compensating, being nicer and a lot more careful with her words. Xander seemed to be in denial. Buffy guessed Willow had told him because he was acting jumpier than usual and avoided all talk of sex, kissing, anything remotely relationship based. Angel kept out of the way. He returned from shopping and made himself scarce. He had also bought blood while he was out. He couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten and it wasn’t something he wanted to do in public. After drinking he took the opportunity to call Wes and Cordie. The trickery way of getting information had proved fruitless and Wes and Cordie intended to break in later that night. Angel advised them to be careful. The gang left early and Buffy took her sleeping pill and went to bed. Angel asked tonight if she wanted him to stay in her room. Buffy considered it for a few moments. “I know I should say no. I should be strong but I do want you to.” She answered in a small voice. Angel smiled. “It’s not a problem.” Inwardly though he knew he had to get Buffy to be stronger. Tomorrow he would try training with her. Perhaps that would give her some confidence back. Leonard was angry. His plan wasn’t going as it should. After killing the bearer of bad news, one of him minions, he pondered what to do next. His plan had been to keep Buffy weak. He would then attack her again and again until he broke her. She had taken Angelina from him and he would make her pay for that. His thoughts drifted to Angelina. He had made her over 50 years ago. She was his favourite of all his children. In life she had been sweet and caring. In unlife though she had been the fiercest creation he had ever seen. He had been with her since she was turned, usually he tried of his creations after 40 years or so, but not this one. She had been cruelly taken from him a month ago by the slayer. It had been a long fight from what he had been told. She had suffered but fought well. That was no consolation to Leonard though. Buffy would pay for what she had done. But not being at her dorm room meant she wasn’t drinking the poisoned milk. His desire for revenge wasn’t suicidal though and he wasn’t going up against a full strength slayer. Add to that that her friends had been coming and going, looking after her. And she had Angelus with her. Leonard heard himself growl as he thought of that name. He and Darla were the master’s favourites. Even though Angelus took Darla away from him he still respected Angelus, revered him almost. It didn’t matter what Leonard did, he could never live up to them. And now Angelus was protecting the slayer. Leonard had heard the rumours about his soul but he hadn’t really believed it. Taking Buffy from Angelus was an added bonus he hadn’t expected. Leonard got himself a brandy and pondered his next move. Above sent to yahoo Chapter 13 Buffy was about early the next morning but was strangely quiet. “What is it?” angel eventually asked. “Nothing.” Angel tried again but she wasn’t telling. Giles and Willow arrived a bit later. Angel told everyone what he had learnt from Wesley earlier. “John Raymond is listed as renting a property just outside Sunnydale on Valley Road It’s a large, 6 bedroom house. He had a two week let on the property.” Said Angel. “Two weeks.” Said Giles. “In a 6 bed house with the prime views on that road for $400?” “He probably has a vampire discount Giles.” Explained Angel. Giles looked at his quizzically. “You threaten to kill someone, they tend to give you a discount.” He clarified. “Ahh, I see. So what now?” he asked. Angel sighed. “We watch him. Make sure he stays put. Then…” he turned to Buffy. “We start training again.” Buffy looked at him, a mix of fear, anger and sadness in her eyes. “You know we have to.” Angel said softly. Buffy left her seat in the kitchen and went through to the living room. Angel followed. “You can’t run away from this.” Angel said. Buffy turned to face him. “What would you know? Have you ever been through this?” “No. But I wont let you run from it either.” Giles and Willow crept from the kitchen to hear the exchange. It was becoming an argument. “Run? RUN?” Buffy shouted. “How dare you!” “How dare I? What about you Buffy? You wont even go for a walk alone!” Angel hated saying these things but he felt he needed to awaken the anger in Buffy. If he did that she could find the strength to fight Leonard. And if he had to be the target of that anger for now… Well, so be it. Buffy’s eyes narrowed at that last remark. “What did you say?” she asked quietly, her voice filled with venom. “You heard me. You’re a slayer for god’s sake. Act like one.” From nowhere Buffy struck Angel. “Don’t ever talk to me like that again.” Willow went to intervene but Giles held her back. He wasn’t sure if what Angel was doing was right but it could work. “Like what? The truth?” asked Angel. She hit him again. “Your weak Buffy. Face it!” Buffy reigned down three more blows on Angel before he began to block them. She was angry now but she also needed someone who could fight back. Being just a target wouldn’t help her. He began to fight back. His blows nowhere near as hard as hers but they were at least something she could block and practice with. Angel was soon weakening though. He wasn’t sure if Buffy knew the force she was putting into each blow. He guessed she didn’t, she was just angry. Buffy fought Angel with all she had, trying to make him pay for what he had said. Soon he wasn’t putting up a fight any more but she didn’t stop. She pounded him to the floor. “BUFFY!” Buffy looked towards the voice. Giles stood in the doorway looking sternly at her. Willow was beside him looking at Angel’s form lying on the floor, concerned. Suddenly Buffy realised what she’d done. In a fit of rage she had hurt the one person who had always been there for her. Angel saw Buffy look towards Giles. It hurt like hell but he stood up. “Oh god Angel. I… I…” “I’m fine,” he smiled at her. “It’s good to have you back.” Buffy’s mouth dropped open as she realised what he had done. He had tricked her into fighting. “Let me get you some ice for that.” She said running out of the room. Angel immediately slipped into a chair. “Are you OK?” asked Giles. “No. I feel like I’ve been run over with a dump truck. But it’s OK. And don’t tell Buffy.” Giles shook his head to say he wouldn’t just as Buffy returned with some ice in a tea towel. “I’m sorry. Though you deserved it.” She said sitting on the arm of the chair and applying the ice to the bruises forming on his face. “It’s OK,” he smiled. It wasn’t though. She had hurt him badly but if he told her that it might give her another reason not to fight. She would feel bad and she didn’t need that right now. “Maybe you and Giles could do some more training while I nurse my wounds?” Angel suggested with a smile. Buffy had to admit his ploy had worked. The adrenalin was still in her system and she felt like a caged animal. She needed to work her rage out. “OK. Good idea. Just let me finish here.” Angel took her hand, lowering the ice from his face. “I’m fine.” He insisted. Buffy nodded. “OK. Lets do it.” She gave the ice to Angel and walked out with Giles following. Angel lay back once they had gone and applied the ice to the bump on his head. Willow came over. “Are you really OK? ‘Cos that looked like it hurt. A lot.” Angel opened his eyes and smiled reassuringly at her. “It was worth it.” Above on yahoo & T21 Chapter 14 Buffy and Giles worked out for a couple of hours in the spare room. Buffy used it to work off her tension. It was also one of the few things she’d done recently that let her forget. She had to focus so completely on the training that she couldn’t think of the other night. When they finally called it a day Buffy felt much better. Not only because she’d had a few memory free hours but also because she’d taken a huge step here. She thanked Giles and took a shower. She was healing well. Her pain was almost gone, just a slight twinge now and then. While she showered she thought about what else she could do. She felt empowered and didn’t want to stop. She decided the next thing that she needed to do was see Riley. She wasn’t sure how it would go but she felt she could handle it now. As she came out of the shower she called him and arranged to meet him that afternoon. Angel smiled as Buffy came down stairs. She was smiling a genuine smile, something he’d missed the last few days. “You look good.” He said. He couldn’t smile back at her, he was too ashamed of the things he said earlier. “I feel good.” Buffy paused for a second. “Look, thank you… And just so you know. I know you didn’t mean any of those things. You were trying to help me. And I don’t agree with your methods.” She admonished. “But I have to say they worked.” She took his hand reassuringly. “Good. I’m glad.” Buffy went to get something to eat from the fridge. “Oh, I called riley, he’s coming over later.” “He is?” Buffy turned back to him, nibbling on a chicken leg. “Yeah, I asked him to. One more thing out of the way.” “That’s… that’s good.” “Yeah, it is.” Said Buffy as she almost skipped through into the dining room to see Willow and Giles. Angel didn’t like it. She seemed too happy. OK, he knew exercise could produce feelings of bliss but he hoped she wasn’t going too fast and wouldn’t come crashing back to earth again. He also had to admit he was a tad jealous. He cast his feelings aside though. If Buffy thought she was ready then she would have nothing but his support. Riley arrived with a bouquet of flowers. Buffy still seemed to be on her high from earlier. She took the flowers. “Aww, their beautiful. Thank you.” Riley leaned into kiss her. Buffy stiffened and turned her cheek to him for him to kiss instead. “I’m sorry.” Riley apologised. “No, it’s not you Riley.” Buffy put he flowers down on the hall table. “Come on, let’s take a walk.” (above on yahoo) Chapter 15 “What about the T225?” asked Willow. Angel wasn’t listening though. He heard Buffy and Riley leave and was worried. Not about Riley but about Buffy. He knew how hard the walk yesterday had been and hoped she would be better able to cope today. “Angel?” Willow asked again. “Sorry?” he turned back to Willow. “The T225. It’s the smallest tracer in the world.” “But getting it on to him and his people will be nearly impossible without giving ourselves away.” He looked to Giles for conformation. “I agree. No, as helpful as this research is Willow I think old fashioned surveillance is the way to go.” Willow looked glum but she knew they were right. “OK, so we should come up with a rota to watch the place then.” “Yes, indeed.” Said Giles. “Cordelia and Wes will be here to help by tonight, they’re bringing a surveillance van with them.” “You have one of them?” asked willow, thinking it was a cool thing to have. “No, but I know a billionaire who does.” “Oh, OK then.” Said Willow slightly confused. “David Nabbit was a client. He likes these kinds of toys.” Angel clarified for her. “You know David Nabbit?” asked willow, slightly envious. “Oh wow. I would so like to meet him. What’s he like?” Angel didn’t tell her why he had hired them, to cover up evidence of his visiting a demon brothel. Why shatter her illusions. “Could we just get back to it.” He said. “Sure.” Said Willow pouting. “Mr-I-Meet-Stars-all-the-Time.” “Willow.” Admonished Giles. “OK, OK, got it.” Said willow. “Work work work. Slave driver.” Buffy’s mood altered drastically when they went outside. She felt exposed again and walked with her arms crossed over her chest, defensively. “So, how have you been?” asked Riley. “OK.” Riley tried a number of times to get through to her but he didn’t receive much in the way of answers. Once they reached the park he stopped her and turned her to face him. “Buffy, I don’t know what to do here. It’s like your shutting me out.” “I’m not. Not intentionally.” “I know that. I just want to help.” “I know. I know you do. I just…” her words trailed off. Riley leaned in to kiss her again. Buffy let him. Maybe that would stop him being so inquisitive. “See, it’s all going to be OK.” Buffy tried to smile but she couldn’t. Like a kiss would solve everything. He seemed to think it had though and took her hand to continue the walk. Buffy tried to resist the urge to pull her hand away and wrap it protectively around her. She walked with him through the park. They walked quietly. Riley enjoying the scenery, Buffy looking for danger. Then they heard a scream. Buffy pulled her hand away from Riley and hugged herself as she looked for the source of the scream. “It’s OK. Just some kids.” Said riley pointing out four children having a water fight. “Oh.” Riley stood in front of her again and tilted her head up. “Nothing to worry about.” He said planting a gentle kiss on her lips. Buffy pushed him away. “I cant riley. I’m sorry.” Riley looked like a wounded puppy. “It’s not you riley. Honestly.” “But it is me. It’s me your pushing away Buffy. No one else.” “I know. But it’s not something you did that makes me push you away. It’s not your fault… It’s mine.” Riley sighed and sat on a bench. “So, what do we do now?” he asked as Buffy sat beside him. “I don’t know.” She said quietly. Neither wanted to say what was on their minds. A relationship was impossible at the moment. Finally riley voiced his thoughts. “Buffy. If you want space, just say so.” “It’s not that.” “Then what is it?” “I… I just can’t do the relationship thing right now. I can’t worry about someone else’s feelings. I’ve got too many of my own just waiting to boil over.” Riley nodded. “It’s OK. I understand.” He was silent for a minute. “If you decide you are ready for a relationship again, call me. I’m not going anywhere.” He got off the bench and walked away leaving Buffy alone. Karl watched Buffy as she sat alone. Soon she got up and quickly walked back the way she had come, looking about herself warily. He followed her back to her home. ================================================================================================================================================ (I started here because I read the story on Jay's site.) Chapter 16 Buffy looked upset when she returned. Angel went to her immediately. “What is it?” “I think Riley and I just broke up.” Angel sighed. “Come on.” He led her through to the kitchen and onto the back porch. They sat down in the shade. “Do you want to talk about it?” “Not really.” Buffy paused, picking at her nails. “I just… I couldn’t face it. I can’t be with anyone right now. And he was all needy and sad looking. So not what I need right now.” Angel didn’t interrupt her. “It’s not him. I know it’s not him. I mean… I mean maybe someone else would make it easier on me but I…” Buffy buried her head in her hands. “I’m just so confused.” Angel put a comforting arm around her and she leaned into him. Karl reported to Leonard about the day’s activities. Leonard looked through the pictures. “Good. She still looks demoralised.” He said to himself. “We need to find a way to reintroduce her to the poison.” Karl didn’t answer, he had learnt that lead to a quick death and he was after eternal life, not death. “Perhaps the groceries could be tampered with at source.” Leonard looked up from the pictures. “What do you think?” “I think it’s an excellent idea sir.” “Master!” “Yes master.” “So, how can we do it?” “Um. Maybe we could poison all the supplies one shop has?” suggested Karl. “Don’t be stupid. We only have a finite amount and it’s not cheap to get.” “Sorry Master.” “And yet they never leave the house for us to tamper directly with the food. Umm.” “If I may suggest sir, perhaps someone could break in at night, while they’re asleep.” Leonard pondered this. It could work, assuming Angelus and his vampire hearing didn’t get in the way. “OK.” Said Leonard finally. “You will break in tonight. Place one vial in something that looks the most used.” “Yes sir.” Said Karl turning to leave. “And Karl?” Karl turned back. “Don’t screw up!” “No Master.” Chapter 17 Cordelia and Wes arrived in town a few hours later. They called to say they were outside the house Leonard was renting. Willow agreed to meet them there later. Buffy seemed quiet. Angel knew she would be upset about Riley but he thought there was more to it. “Mom’s coming back tonight.” She explained when probed. “And you don’t want to worry her?” “Pretty much. She doesn’t like the slayer gig as it is. With this she’s going to go ape.” “But not at you. It’s not your fault.” “No, but it’ll feel like it is. She doesn’t seem to get than when she puts slaying down, she’s putting me down too.” “Do you want me to tell her for you?” “No, I have to.” She sighed. Angel hugged her softly, trying to give her some strength. Willow arrived back from meeting with Cordie and Wes in the early evening. “That thing is SO cool.” She exuberantly explained. “It has all kinds of things. It’s got cameras, hidden satellite dishes, GPS with a map overlay so you can track someone to the street they're on without moving.” Buffy smiled at her friends’ enthusiasm. “Yes,” replied Giles perhaps a bit too sharply. “Perhaps we could get on with it?” Willow pouted a bit. “OK. Well it comes with a bike too so they’ve been following everyone going in and out and putting a T50 tracer on it. It makes the T225 look like junk.” Off their blank expressions, she explained. “A tracking device, to follow the cars. Only one person has left so far.” She reached into her bag. “These are the pictured they took of him and I’ll run the license plate through the campus computers. If he’s a student he should have registered his car for parking.” They looked over the pictures, no one recognised him. Willow tactfully let Giles earlier put down of tracers go past. “Buffy?” they looked over to the doorway. “Mom. I wasn’t expecting you back so early.” “I wasn’t expecting a house full.” Giles and Willow made a hasty exit. Willow simply saying. “Hi Mrs Summers. Bye Mrs Summers.” Willow took Giles hand and pulled him after her. He mumbled some greeting before he was pulled out. Joyce looked back to Buffy. “What’s going on?” she noticed Angel standing behind Buffy. “Buffy?” Angel quietly slipped off upstairs. Buffy had asked to do this alone. Buffy didn’t speak immediately and Joyce grew more worried as she stepped closer. Buffy looked tired, withdrawn and her eyes were puffy, like she’d been crying. Her questions now took on an edge of concern. “What is it?” Buffy sat on the sofa and gestured for her mother to do the same. Joyce dropped her travel bag and sat. “I… Mom.” Buffy paused and took a deep breath. She didn’t look her mother in the eye but focused on her hands. “I was raped mom.” Joyce sat there, stunned, not even comprehending the meaning of Buffy’s words. “I… You.” Tears began to form and she pulled Buffy to her. “Oh sweetie.” She said gently rocking Buffy. Buffy began to cry as she saw how upset her mother was and they both sat there, crying and rocking each other. Joyce eventually pulled away from Buffy. “I’m sorry sweetie. You don’t need me crying.” Buffy took her hand. “It’s OK.” Joyce still couldn’t take it in though. She didn’t understand it. “I, I always worry about you. It’s part of a mother’s job to worry. And with slaying, I worry double time. I just… well ever since I found out about you I’ve taken a small amount of comfort that things like that couldn’t happen to you. You were too strong. I…” Buffy squeezed her mother’s hand. “I know. It kind of blew me away too.” “Why did it happen?” “I don’t know why, but I do know how.” Buffy swallowed. “Do you remember that stuff the council gave me when I was 18?” Joyce nodded. “Well someone was feeding me that, making me weak.” Joyce opened her arms and embraced Buffy. “I’m so sorry sweetie.” They sat there a while longer just holding each other. Buffy eventually managed to explain how well she was doing and what the gang were doing to help her. Joyce smiled. At least her friends had been there for her. “Have you spoken to a counselor?” Joyce asked. “I can’t really tell a stranger that a vampire raped me Mom, they kind of commit you for that.” “Right, of course. I’m sorry, I just don’t know what I should be doing to help.” “Just be you. That’s all I need from you.” Joyce felt her tears return at Buffy’s words and she hugged her again. “I love you Buffy.” “I love you too Mom.” Chapter 18 The summers women had talked for hours, held each other for even longer before Buffy came to bed. She was exhausted. Angel had offered to leave her alone but she had asked him to stay again. He was just trying to sleep when he heard it. Very faint but to his vampire ears definitely suspicious. He crept out of the room and down the stairs. From the kitchen door he spotted someone entering. ‘Not a vampire’ he thought. Not only could he enter uninvited but Angel could hear his pulse racing and smell his fear. He was terrified. Angel watched as the man slowly crept into the kitchen, looking around him nervously. As he walked through a patch of moonlight from one of the windows Angel recognised him as the man Cordelia and Wes had photographed earlier. If his car did have a tracer on they would know he was there. Angel wondered why they hadn’t called. Angel watched from the safety of the shadows as the man opened the fridge. He took out the carton of milk and glanced around nervously before getting something from his pocket. Another nervous look then he emptied it into the milk. He quietly put the milk back and began to creep back to the back door. Angel considered stopping him, confronting him but decided the best thing was to go along with it. If Leonard thought Buffy was still drinking the poison he was more likely to make a mistake. Angel watched him leave then followed him out of the back door and around the side of the house to his car. Angel also spotted Wes further along the street on a motorcycle. Although he wasn’t wearing leathers this time, it reminded Angel of the first time they had met in LA. The intruder pulled away from the kerb and drove off. As soon as he was out of sight Wes pulled up outside the house. Angel went to meet him. “I was hoping you would have heard him.” Said Wes as he dismounted. “Did you happen to see what he was doing?” Angel nodded.” He put something in the milk, probably the same stuff as before. Wes nodded. “We thought about phoning you as soon as we realised where he was headed but the risk of waking everyone else up and scaring him away was too great.” “I understand.” “Willow is using the computer in the van to hack into the university’s records as we speak looking for this man's license plate. Once we have that we have a name and we can track down more information about him.” Angel nodded. “Want some coffee?” “Yes, I could do with a cup.” He said yawning and stretching his arms. “Been a long day.” They went into the house together. “Dear lord, what happened to you?” asked Wes as he saw Angel's face in the light. Angel gingerly touched his forehead. “Oh, Buffy and I trained a little earlier.” He said as he went to the fridge to empty the milk down the drain. “Oh.” Wes hadn’t expected Buffy to be the cause of Angel’s injuries. “How is she doing?” “As well as can be expected I guess.” “It may be a while before she’s ready to confront this Leonard. You have considered that possibility haven’t you?” Angel nodded as he placed a mug of black coffee in front of Wes. “I have. I don’t know what to do. I can’t force her into anything but Leonard isn’t going to wait or stick to our timetable.” When Wes didn’t supply any suggestions Angel continued. “I guess we play it by ear. As long as he thinks Buffy’s weak we have the advantage.” “It’s not an easy situation, that’s for sure.” Wes sympathised. Both men then sat in silence sipping their coffee. Chapter 19 Angel told Buffy about the events of last night as soon as she came down. “Willow’s bringing some cameras over later today so we can put them in the kitchen.” Buffy nodded. Her thoughts of an easy resolution to this disappearing in an instant. “You feel up to some training today?” he asked. Buffy nodded. “Sure. I can’t hide forever.” Willow came over later to see Buffy, Joyce and Angel seated in the kitchen. Buffy and Angel looked like they had just had a work out. “I found him.” Said Willow. “Mr. Karl Ellis, former student of economics, bad grades, dropped out just over a year ago.” Willow handed them a fuzzy, print out picture of him. It was definitely the man from last night. “So what’s happening now?” asked Angel. “The standard watch. Xander and Wes took last night's shift. Cordie and Giles have this shift, then I take over from 1 pm with Tara.” “Any new activity?” asked Angel. “No one new has gone in or out but he,” Willow pointed to the printout. “Went in this morning. He’s currently parked down the street, watching you.” “So he just has the one spy?” Angel thought out loud. “So far.” Confirmed Willow. “But Wes checked the Watcher's Diaries last night and that seems to be his way. He keeps a few people close to him. The few times he’s had more than that he seemed to lose control and almighty fights broke out among his followers.” Angel could understand that. Leonard liked to feel powerful but in reality he wasn’t. Any decent vampire among his minions would try to kill him for his ‘throne’. Angel was just amazed no one had succeeded so far. “So he’s moved on to humans.” He mumbled, again thinking out loud. “Yep.” Agreed willow. “They’re weaker so easier to control and they don’t need an invitation which is handy for some errands.” “So what happens now?” asked Joyce. Angel really didn’t know. “We train, we be prepared.” “Is that all? Isn’t there anything else we could do?” “I’m open to suggestions.” Joyce didn’t have any and left it at that. (above on yahoo) Chapter 20 Over the next week things carried on. Buffy trained with both Angel and Giles daily, building up her strength and accuracy. She went for a walk every day with one or another of the gang. At times Angel wished with all his soul that he hadn’t destroyed the Gem of Amara so he could accompany her. Tabs were still being kept on Leonard and Karl, and another two minions had been identified. One was Don Russell, another ex student; the other was an unknown vampire. They were sure there were more minions in the house, they just couldn’t be sure how many. Every time Buffy went out, she went with an invisible entourage. One of Leonard’s men followed her and one of the scoobies followed him. Angel was sure Leonard was getting upset by now. His lease on the house had only been two weeks so he was being pushed off schedule. Karl returned the next week with another vial of poison. The cameras as well as Angel watched him this time. Riley came by once that week to see Buffy. She was friendly but still closed. They parted as friends. At the beginning of the next week Buffy went back to college. She didn’t go to all her classes but it was a step in the right direction. She arrived home at lunchtime the first day in tears. Even though no one knew about her she felt like they looked at her differently. And there were so many people. She cried for a long time and Angel comforted her until her tears dried. “You did it.” He said when her weeping finally subsided. Buffy sat up and nodded. “It can only get easier from here.” He reassured her. Buffy smiled. It was a nice thought. She attended about half the classes that week. She trained more than the previous week. It gave her a small sense of power. A combination of Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander escorted her everywhere. Angel insisted she not be left alone since Leonard was probably getting angry by now and might try and have her kidnapped. Buffy didn’t like going back. Every day she got home and cried silently in the bathroom. Angel knew what she was doing but he never mentioned it, which she was grateful for. It was getting easier as Angel had said but it still wasn’t easy. It probably never would be easy again. Angel was now sleeping in the spare room just across from Buffy’s room. Buffy insisted that both doors were left open though so she could call to him if she needed him. She often had nightmares and Angel comforted her. Frequently she couldn’t sleep again without the sleeping pills. She didn’t want to become dependent on them though, so she and Angel often just sat in her room, talking until the day arrived. Xander and Willow helped her though her panic attacks at college. Everyone had been issued with a Tazer gun. It would floor a human assailant in seconds and badly stun a vampire. They were more a security blanket than an actual weapon though, a precaution. Buffy still hadn’t ventured out at night. Nor could she. Angel knew as soon as she left the house Leonard would be on her. Karl had returned again that week to poison Buffy’s juice this time, so Leonard expected Buffy to still be weak but even with that advantage and an entourage protecting her, Buffy wouldn’t be 100% safe. And she would never feel 100% safe again. She refused to leave after dark. Angel didn’t blame her. He didn’t want her to leave either. However, this situation couldn’t go on indefinitely. They had to have some kind of plan. Angel had an idea and the gang went to work getting the information and implements they would need. When Angel first suggested it Buffy flatly refused to have anything to do with it. “I can't. I can’t see him again.” She said through tears. Angel understood how she felt. “I know it’s hard but if you don’t confront him he’ll haunt you forever.” “No. You bring his ashes back, that’s enough for me.” She said defiantly. “Is it?” he asked. “Will that make the nightmares go away? Will that stop the fear? Will it stop you seeing his face everywhere?” Buffy knew he was right. She began to cry harder. “But I can't.” She wailed. Angel didn’t try and convince her again he just comforted her. She knew she had to do this and Angel had faith she would agree. The next day she agreed to discuss it. She became upset again and Angel let the matter lie once more. When Buffy was ready they would go forward in the planning. Not before. The third day Angel explained in full what he had in mind. Buffy listened closely. Although her eyes misted over she didn’t cry. It was a good plan. She just wasn’t sure she could pull her end of it off. They continued making plans, discussing every detail of the operation. Every possible outcome. Buffy was terrified every time they spoke of the plan, Angel could tell by her rapid heart rate. She was getting better at controlling it though. A week after he first suggested it, they were ready to put the plan into action. The night before Buffy asked Angel to stay in her room again. To stay in her bed with her. Angel wasn’t keen on the idea, but Buffy pleaded. “Angel. I really don’t know if I’m going to make it through tomorrow night. I just really need someone to hold me tonight. Please.” Angel agreed and held her as she slept. He had made her take sleeping pills so she would get some rest but it was a restless sleep. Angel could tell she was having bad dreams but at least she didn’t wake up. She would be rested if nothing else. Above on yahoo Chapter 21 Buffy awoke the next morning sick to her stomach. She rushed for the toilet and retched over the bowl. She had nothing to bring up though and her small body was wracked with dry heaves. Angel didn’t go with her. Even he knew girls didn’t want to be watched doing things like that. He waited patiently in the bed for her to return. She came back looking pale and climbed onto the bed. Angel drew her into an embrace. “I’m scared.” She confessed. Angel gently stroked her hair. “I know. But you’ll be fine.” Buffy didn’t believe him. She wasn’t sure she could make it to that night feeling the way she did. “You’ll be fine.” Angel repeated. Buffy agreed to go to college that day. It would take her mind off her worries. At least in theory it would. In reality, she spent all her classes zoned out until Willow prodded her. At lunch time, she decided she had had enough, she returned home to work out. Angel was against her working out in case she hurt herself before that night but she insisted. Angel agreed to work on precision with her, rather than power. At 5 pm Willow, Xander and Giles arrived for Buffy. They escorted her to the university. Angel waited for conformation that Buffy’s tail had followed them. He then called everyone else letting them know it was clear to meet at the Summers' home. Wes, Cordelia, Tara, Anya and Angel were soon assembled, weapons were handed out and mobile phones were set to vibrate. Next they waited for sun down before leaving. Buffy arrived at the college to find it virtually empty as she expected. They went straight to the cafeteria, back through the kitchen and found the entrance to the sewer tunnels. They climbed in, one by one and replaced the cover. Their hope was that who ever was following then would not find them and assume he had missed them. If he followed them into he sewers it could be a problem. They proceeded to follow the map Willow had drawn for them and when they got to the junction marked with a blue cross they called Angel on his cell phone. “We’re in position.” Said Giles. “We’re about five minutes away from you. Call Wes, get an update from him.” Giles hung up and called Wes. “We’re outside now.” Wes paused while he checked his watch. “How are you coming?” “We’ll be ready in a few minutes.” Wes looked at his watch again, "OK, give us 10 minutes.” “Right, will do but don’t go in before you get the signal.” “Understood.” Giles, Cordie and Tara crept from the van and made their way to the wall surrounding the property, the rope ladder was already in place and they scaled the wall, dropping to the ground the other side. They all knew their places and Wes separated from Cordie and Tara as they made their way there. Angel, and Anya met with Giles, Xander, Willow and Buffy at the sewer junction. “Are we ready?” Angel asked. “We’ll get into position, Wes and Cordelia should be in place by then.” Angel nodded and took Buffy hand, they took the left tunnel. Willow and Xander took the tunnel straight ahead and Giles and Anya went a few paced down the tunnel to the right. Each stood below a manhole cover which came up into Leonard’s house. Angel and Buffy would arrive in a store room at the side of the house, Xander and Willow in the basement along with Giles who would end up in a different room of the basement. As they stood there each mentally checked their route through the house. Giles checked his watch, 10 minutes had passed. He sent a pre-coded call to everyone’s cell phone causing them to vibrate. Cordie looked over to Tara as she felt her phone ring. “Ready?” Tara nodded and both women stood up and headed for the front door, Cordie had the flame thrower over her shoulder. Wes made his way to the back door, flame thrower at the ready. In the sewers everyone waited for another minute after the signal. The count down took an eternity. Leonard was taken totally by surprise as both the front door and back door were smashed in. He was safely in the dining room though. As expected there were more vampires inside the house that hadn’t left to be picked up by the surveillance. Wes dusted three with his flame thrower, Cordie caught two more. “STOP THEM!” they heard Leonard roar and prepared to be assaulted by more vampires. Angel gave one final look towards Buffy before lifting the manhole cover. It was no longer guarded as they'd hoped. He climbed out and reached his hand back into the hole to help Buffy out. They silently made their way to the stairs that lead to the main house. Xander, Will and Giles' entrances also no longer had a guard, they met at the doorway between both rooms and silently headed for the back stairs. Cordie soon dispatched the other three vampires that came at her, she hoped that was all because she was low on fuel. She dumped her flame unit and pulled out a stake. Wes cautiously continued through the house, his flame unit at the ready, no more vampires had come his way so he was on his guard. Leonard paced in front of Don. “What’s happening?” he asked. “Shall I find out my lord?” asked Don. “Yes, see what’s going on.” Karl was absent, still waiting on campus for any sign of Buffy and her friends. Don crept as quietly as he could in the direction of the main hallway. He was stopped before he got there by Angel. Angel had been coming up the stairs from the basement and floored him as Don passed the entrance. He took out a plastic tie and bound his hands behind his back. He looked to Buffy who was standing at the top of the stairs. He tried what he hoped was a reassuring simile. Buffy didn’t smile back. She took a deep breath and prepared to carry on. Leonard couldn’t hear anything now. Not even with his vampire hearing. Deciding caution was the best move he headed for one of the door’s to turn the lock. Before he could reach it though Giles, Wes, Willow and Xander came through. Leonard saw Wes’s flamethrower and headed for the other exit only to see Cordie, Tara, Anya, Angel and Buffy coming in that way. He was trapped. “What’s the meaning of this.” He roared. Buffy took a deep breath. Showtime. Angel handed her a stake and she stepped forward. “It’s payback time.” Buffy said. “You! You’ll pay you bitch. You think you can defeat me?” Buffy tossed her stake in her hand. “Yes, I do.” “You’re weak, feeble. You’ll never defeat me little girl.” Buffy smiled but it was false bravado. “Let's see shall we.” Buffy launched the attack. Leonard was surprised by her strength. She managed to land three blows and knocked him to the floor before he recovered from his shock. As Buffy went to stake him he recovered though and caught her hands, pulling her to the ground with him. Both quickly got up from the floor. Angel watched, concerned. He knew nothing would happen to Buffy, his crossbow would see to that, still, he worried. He hoped this was the right thing to do. Giles watched from the opposite doorway. He was also concerned. Buffy was fighting well but this was unquestionable the hardest fight she had ever undertaken. Once upright again Leonard and Buffy circled each other, waiting for a chance to strike. “I knew you’d come back for more.” Leonard said. Buffy’s eyes momentarily clouded as the imaged flooded back to her brain. Leonard took advantage and struck her. Buffy realised her mistake and was ready for his next blow. She wouldn’t get distracted again. Her rage returned to her, like a drug running through her veins, it empowered her, made her stronger, more alive. Buffy floored Leonard with an uppercut as he came back at her. “What’s the matter, having second thoughts?” asked Leonard from the floor. “Admit it, you liked it.” Buffy landed on Leonard, pinning him to the floor. She began hitting him. “That doesn’t work any more.” She said reigning blows down on him. “And it’s time you said good night.” she aimed her stake and plunged it into his heart. Leonard looked up at her in shock before exploding in a pile of ash. Buffy just sat there, on the floor, in the same position. Angel approached her. “It’s over Buffy.” He said putting one hand on her shoulder. “You did it.” Buffy turned to look up at him. Her expression was one of pain and happiness. Tears shone in her eyes while a tight smile adorned her lips. She stood up and hugged Angel, letting her tears fall. The others milled about, unsure what they should do, not knowing if they should watch this private moment or leave. They settled for staying but looking away. Eventually Buffy broke away from Angel. Her expression strong and somewhat happier. “So, anyone up for a blow out at Maria’s?” asked Willow. “I say we celebrate.” Buffy looked over at her friend. “Yeah, I think that would be nice.” Chapter 22 Buffy was still shaking from her encounter with Leonard. Angel did his best to comfort her but to little or no avail. Once they arrived at Maria’s, an Italian restaurant, Giles ordered wine for everyone. Buffy gulped down a glass and gradually her shakes stopped. Angel ordered a small pasta dish but just to fit in. The talk was cheery and the wine flowed freely. Angel noticed with each glass Buffy came out of her shell a bit more, joining in with the conversation, smiling and generally having fun. Angel just sat back and watched her. It was rare these days to see a smiling Buffy. He knew they had hard times ahead but he would enjoy tonight. Happy times were few and far between for a slayer so he would make the best of them. They left the restaurant after midnight, everyone going off in separate directions to their respective homes. Angel asked Buffy if she wanted to call a taxi or walk. Fear passed across her features momentarily but soon passed. Angel wasn’t sure whether it was the victory tonight, the wine or the fact she had him to look after her. Whatever the reason she asked if they could walk. Arm in arm they strolled back to Buffy’s home. They spoke of happy times both together and apart. Angel told stories of Wes and Cordie’s antics. Buffy related a few tales of her own humorous occasions. They arrived home unscathed and happy. “Looks like Mom’s asleep.” Buffy commented. “Do you want to wake her and tell her?” asked Angel. Buffy thought for a second. “No, I won't wake her. I’ll tell her tomorrow.” Buffy opened the door and they entered. “You fancy a movie?” asked Buffy. “Uh, sure. Aren’t you tired?” “No, I feel,” she flexed her muscles. “I feel alive, vibrant… I can’t explain it I just know I don’t want to sleep.” Angel figured she still had adrenalin in her system. He didn’t mind staying up, he was a creature of the night after all. “What do you want to watch?” “You pick something. I’ll be back in a sec.” Buffy disappeared into the kitchen as Angel looked through the video collection. Most of the movies didn’t mean anything to him, he wasn’t exactly a film buff. He settled on The Godfather in the end and hoped Buffy liked his choice. Buffy returned as he was setting the film up with a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Buffy are you sure you want to carry on drinking?” “Hey, I’m celebrating.” Protested Buffy. Angel dropped the matter as she poured two glasses and handed one to Angel. She set the bottle on the table and snuggled into Angel as the film began. Angel felt uncomfortable. He had held her countless times recently but something about tonight was off. She wasn’t seeking comfort tonight. Buffy finished her wine and poured herself another. Angel had barely toughed his. “Drink up.” Buffy admonished as she cuddled into him again. This time she put her arm around his back and rested her head on his chest. Buffy finished her second glass of wine and passed it to Angel to set on the side table. She rested against him again, her now free hand playing with the buttons of his shirt, poking her finger through the holes to tough his chest. She undid one of the buttons to allow better access and slipped her hand inside his shirt. Angel had had enough. He roughly pulled Buffy’s hand out of his shirt. Buffy leaned up to kiss him. Angel took her by the shoulders and sat her upright. “What’s going on?” he asked “Nothing.” Replied Buffy innocently. “Then why the come on. Buffy you know we can't. We’ve been there, done that. It doesn’t work.” “But it did work.” Protested Buffy. “It worked until you left. Why can’t we do that again?” “I have to return to LA soon Buffy. My life is there.” “So, we’ll have a long distance thing. I can do that. It’s not that far away anyway.” “Nothing’s changed Buffy. I still want you to have a normal life, a family, a future.” “I don’t want that Angel, I want you. I love you.” “You don’t want me.” Said Angel figuring things out. “You want a safe relationship.” Buffy didn’t reply. “Well, it’s the truth isn’t it?” “No. It’s you I want Angel. The fact we can't, you know, well it isn’t important to me. I just want you.” Angel sighed. “Buffy, I know you don’t see it now but one day you will want a proper relationship again. You will want sex and children and sunlight.” “No, I won't.” “You will. I’m just a convenient, safe thing to practice on in the meantime.” Tears began to well in Buffy’s eyes. “How can you say that to me?” “Because it’s true.” Angel snapped back. “You don’t want me, you want someone safe. Sorry but I don’t play games Buffy.” “You bastard.” Buffy shouted as she stood up and ran upstairs. She went straight into her room and closed the door. Angel followed and knocked on her door. “Go away.” Buffy shouted. Angel sighed and went to tidy up down stairs before going to bed. Buffy lay curled up on her bed crying. Why didn’t he want her? Wasn’t he supposed to love her? Was she damaged goods now? Would no one ever want her again? She lay there letting Angel's words swim around in her head until she eventually fell into a restless sleep. Chapter 23 Buffy awoke the next morning with a thick head and a murky memory of the night before. Thankfully it was Saturday so she didn’t have to get ready for class. She padded out of her room and headed for the bathroom, wishing the pounding in her head would stop. How much had she had to drink? She didn’t remember but I must have been a fair bit. She brushed her teeth and took two painkillers from the cabinet to stop the throbbing in her head. She walked back to her room and noticed Angel sleeping in the spare room, the door was ajar. Suddenly their conversation from last night came back to her and she groaned inwardly as she returned to bed. She curled up and thought about last night. She wasn’t sure why she had done it. She did still have feelings for Angel, that was true. Had she come on to him because he was safe? She wasn’t sure. Perhaps subconsciously it was true. He was, after all, safe. They could never have sex. But truthfully she had always wanted him. Sure things were difficult with them but if anything, the last few weeks had proven to her how right they were for each other. He knew exactly how she felt; he was there for her. He had even felt her pain from LA. She sighed deciding her head hurt too much to think about this now. She closed her eyes hoping when she woke up again things would be clearer. Buffy awoke to find herself looking into two chocolate brown eyes. “Morning.” Said Angel softly. Buffy stretched and sat up, thankful that her head no longer hurt. “Hi.” She offered sheepishly. “We need to talk.” “We do.” “Look Buffy…” Buffy held her hand up to stop him. “Please, let me go first.” Angel nodded and Buffy began. “I’m sorry firstly. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink.” She paused. “And I should have handled things better.” Angel was about to speak but she stopped him again. “Just let me get this out. I’ve been thinking. There probably is some truth in me finding you safe. But there’s also the fact that I still love you. I’ve needed you more than anyone else over the last few weeks.” Buffy paused and looked in his eyes. “I still need you.” Angel was silent. “I’m done, you can go now.” Buffy prompted. Angel nodded. “I’ve been thinking too. You know I love you more than anything. I’ve always tried to do what’s right for you. I shouldn’t have been so harsh last night. I’m sorry.” When he didn’t go on Buffy prompted him. “What about us?” Angel took a deep unnecessary sigh. “I… If you’re sure we can try again.” Buffy beamed at him and was about to speak but he interrupted her this time. “I’m not finished. I want you to understand things before we start anything.” Buffy nodded. “My work is in LA. My life is in LA. I know things have been quiet lately but it’s only a matter of time until Cordie gets another vision. That’s my work and I’ll have to go back to it.” “I understand that.” “Good. I will stay for as long as you need me, I promised that and I’ll keep it, but once things settle down I have to go home again. We’ll see even less of each other that be did before.” Buffy nodded. “I know it won't be easy but we can make it work. If we both want it to.” Angel smiled. “I want.” Buffy beamed back at him. “I want too.” She took his hand and pulled him onto the bed, kissing him. They were interrupted by Joyce. “Buffy.” She called coming up the stairs. Angel quickly pulled himself off Buffy and sat in the chair by the bed. Buffy hastily straightened her clothes up. “Mom, hi.” Her mother smiled from the doorway holding a mug. “Angel told me you had a late night and not to disturb you but I heard you talking so I thought I’d bring you some coffee.” She said handing Buffy the mug. “Thanks.” Said Buffy accepting it. “You look awfully happy.” Her mother observed. “I am. I have something to tell you, about last night.” Her mother nodded, taking a seat on the bed. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you but we went to fight Leonard last night.” Buffy’s smile faltered as she thought of him again. “Anyway, I kicked his ass straight back to hell.” Joyce leaned in to hug Buffy. “That’s wonderful darling.” “Well it’s one less thing to deal with now.” She said as they separated. “I also have some other news.” “Good or bad?” asked Joyce. “Good, all good.” Buffy took a breath. “Angel and I are back together. And before you say anything, we’ve both thought it through and we can handle it.” Joyce wasn’t sure about the relationship but she had to admit he had taken good care of Buffy since the attack. “Well, if you’re sure then I’m happy.” Said Joyce. Both could tell she still had her doubts but she wasn’t fighting it, which was good. “So, do you two have any plans for today?” asked Joyce making small talk. “Not really,” Buffy answered. “But I guess I should patrol tonight.” Angel nodded his agreement. “Well, I’ll leave you two alone then.” Said Joyce excusing herself. Above on yahoo Chapter 24 This is useless.” Buffy said, wanting desperately to end the torment and go home where she felt safe again. “Just a little longer.” Angel prompted. Buffy took a deep breath and they continued on. They soon found a vampire. Angel wasn’t sure if he was glad or frightened but either way, this had to be done. He was a lone vampire, heading back to his crypt probably. Buffy froze as she stared at it. No quip to get it’s attention, no raising the stake in defence, she just stood there as it walked. Angel nudged her and Buffy looked into his eyes. Angel's heart broke at what he was about to do. Her eyes were full of fear and sadness. But she had to do this, he told himself. Angel called out to the vampire “Hey!” The vampire turned to look at them. “Slayer? I thought you were dead.” He said. Buffy swallowed, trying to find that bravado that used to come so easily. “Yeah… I…I guess you heard wrong, didn’t you.” “Lucky for me.” The vampire began walking towards them. Buffy squeezed Angel's hand to the point of pain. “Do it!” Angel whispered urgently to her. Buffy raised the arm with the stake in but she didn’t move to fight. The vampire came too close for Angel's comfort and he kicked out at it, sending it flying onto it’s back. He wrenched his hand from Buffy’s grip and began fighting it. Buffy looked on, seemingly paralysed. Angel kept glancing at her to see when she would join in but she didn’t, she just watched. Angel’s next glance cost him. The vampire kicked him behind the knee, sending him to the ground. “Buffy!” he called for help. The vampire sat on Angel's back and reached for his neck to break it. He didn’t have a stake to kill Angel with so neck breaking would have to do. Buffy watched her Angel fighting, doing her job but try as she might, she couldn’t bring herself to take over. Then Angel fell to the ground and the other vampire climbed on him. From no where Buffy screamed. “NO!” she couldn’t lose him. Not this time, not this way. She launched herself at the vampire and plunged the stake into it’s back. It dissolved into ashes. “Oh god.” Said Buffy, falling to her knees. Angel was quickly by her side. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t…” Buffy tried to explain. “Shh. It’s ok. You did great.” Angel reassured her, pulling her towards him. Then the tears began to fall. Tears of frustration, sorrow, pity and self-loathing. “Come on,” said Angel, helping he to her feet. “That’s enough for one night.” Above on yahoo Chapter 25 Buffy awoke the next morning in Angel’s embrace. They were both fully clothed. The events of the night before came back to her. Her inability to help Angel, her paralysis. She swore silently at herself, wondering what kind of a slayer she thought she was. Angel's arms tightened around her and she looked up into his eyes. “Hey.” He said. “Hey.” “How do you feel today?” “Kinda foolish.” “Don’t. What you’re doing is perfectly natural. Don’t berate yourself for it, you’ll only feel worse.” “I can't help it. He almost got you Angel and I did nothing.” “You killed him and saved me, how is that nothing?” “I… I should have done more. I should have helped from the start.” Angel took hold of her hand and kissed the back. “You’ll get better, I promise. It just takes time. Can you do that? Can you give yourself time?” Buffy nodded but sighed. “I guess.” She offered reluctantly. Angel smiled and kissed her hand again. “Try.” He pulled her closer and Buffy settled into him. She lay there thinking. It was her turn to brood these days. Later everyone assembled at the Summers' home for Sunday lunch. Will, Tara, Xander, Anya, Giles, Cordie and Wes all turned up, invited, it appeared, by Buffy’s Mom. Buffy wasn’t scared of these people any more though. Crowds made her uncomfortable but these were friends; she could deal with that. Buffy brushed off questions about her patrol the night before, preferring to focus on their lives instead. No one had any real news that she hadn’t heard before but they managed to chat about something. As the plates were being cleared Cordelia cried out and grabbed her head. Angel rushed to her side as the others looked on, shocked. “What’s wrong?” asked Xander. Anya hit him in the ribs for asking about his ex. He shot her a glare back. “Visions.” Wes explained. “They are quite painful for her.” Cordie slowly recovered and Angel sat her upright on her chair again. “The Fox Hole Club, there’s going to be a pack of vamps there tonight.” She said, still holding her head. “What time?” asked Angel. “After sunset I guess, I didn’t get a time, just a day.” “Tonight?” “Yeah.” Angel checked his watch, it was now 3.55 pm. They had better get back since LA was a two hour drive away. He looked over to Buffy. The look on her face told him she knew he was leaving. He walked over to her and gently led her out to the hallway so they could talk. “I’m sorry.” He said. “No, I knew this would happen. You have to go.” Angel gave an unnecessary sigh. “Yeah.” “Can I come? I might be of some help.” Angel looked skeptically at her. If she was anything like last night he would just be spending more time protecting her than killing the vampires. “I think it’s best if you don’t.” he said, trying to be gentle. Buffy nodded, realising she was a liability these days, not a help. “Are you coming back?” she asked. Angel kissed her forehead. “Always.” Cordie and Wes came out into the hallway, ready to go. “Angel.” Wes began. “We should make a move.” Angel nodded, planted another kiss on Buffy’s forehead and stepped backwards towards the door. “Don’t patrol without me.” He cautioned Buffy. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Angel waited in the club for the vampires to show. It was 8 pm already and still nothing. He was worried about Buffy. He should be there with her. He wanted to be there with her but he knew his duty right now was here. Cordie nudged Wes in the ribs. “Is it me.” She whispered, “or is he even more broody tonight?” “It’s not you.” Wes whispered back then looked back out, scanning the crowd for vampire activity. “Where are they?” Angel growled. Cordie looked at him warily. “Angel, chill. She’ll be fine and getting all worked up isn’t going to help you.” Angel knew she was right, he took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Of course Buffy was OK, she had her mother and her friends with her and she wasn’t patrolling. She was fine. She was. But it didn’t feel like she was fine. Thirty minutes later the vampires showed themselves, walking in, shoving people out of the way. There were at least 15 of them. The head vampire climbed up onto a table. “Boys,” he called, addressing other vamps. “Drinks are on the house.” He vamped out as did the other vampires and Angel, Wes and Cordie leapt into action. Angel began fighting them, taking out as many as he could. Wes did his best as well, pretty much holding his own. Cordie played the victim, getting them to grab her as she brought her stake out to stab them in the back. She took out three that way. Eventually the din died down and only Cordie, Wes and Angel were left standing. The crowd cheered them. “Let's go.” Said Angel, storming away. Buffy paced up and down the living room. Her friends had gone home at her insistence. Now all she needed was to decide what she was going to do. As the sun went down she grew more and more agitated. She should be out there, fighting. Not in here pacing waiting for Angel. It was her job to protect. She was being weak just sitting here, or rather, walking here. She glanced at the clock again. It read 10:04. She looked over to her backpack again, filled with stakes and crosses and decided to go for it. She had to do this sometime. Grabbing the bag she headed for the door. Chapter 26 Angel arrived back in Sunnydale just before 11 pm. He was driving straight to Buffy’s house when he felt her close by. He pulled the car over and got out, trying to get a feel for where she was. A crash alerted him and he vaulted the fence to the park, running in the direction of the noise. He found Buffy fighting a vampire. He stayed out of sight to watch her. She seemed to be doing well. He looked like a young vamp which was good. Young equalled inexperienced. Angel wanted to run over and kick the vamps ass for even daring to fight Buffy but it wasn’t his place, she had to do this. It took what felt like an age but Buffy eventually staked the vampire. She stood there, staring as the ashes settled. Angel walked up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Buffy jumped and turned, directing her stake at her attacker. Angel dodged the blow and stepped back, defensively. Realising who she had attacked, Buffy dropped the stake and stepped closer, hugging him fiercely as tears stung her eyes. She didn’t know why she was crying. She had won after all. She still felt emotional though. Buffy blinked back her tears and looked up at him to see him smiling down at her. “You’re not mad?” she asked. “How could I be?” “You said not to patrol.” “I was worried, that’s all. Looks to me like you did great.” Buffy released him from the hug, she was shaking. Angel gave her his coat and guided her back to the car. “God, I don’t know why I’m like this.” She said referring to the shaking and crying. “It’s normal.” Angel reassured her. “You’ve just beaten a fear, you’re worked up. Possibly in shock.” “Shock?” she asked. “Looks like mild shock to me. And it’s understandable. You faced your first vampire alone since the attack. That’d put most people into shock.” Buffy smiled. “I just hope it goes away soon.” Angel pulled her over to rest against him as he pulled the car out to drive back to her home. Buffy sat on the sofa, hugging herself as Angel prepared her a warm drink. He came through to see her in the same position he’d left her in. “You OK?” he asked with genuine concern. Buffy nodded. “I will be,” “Here.” Angel handed her the cocoa he’d prepared. Buffy sipped at the drink, grateful for its warmth since she seemed to be providing none of her own right now. Buffy finished her drink and cuddled into Angel, slowly she drifted off to sleep and Angel carried her to bed. “Hey,” smiled Angel as she entered the kitchen. “Hi.” She smiled back. “How do you feel?” “Um… Good, I guess. Not the high I got after fighting…. You know. But I feel OK.” Angel paused a moment before continuing. “Look, you did well last night, and I’m proud of you.” He paused again. “Why do I feel there’s a but coming on?” asked Buffy. “However.” “Now that’s just a fancy but.” Angel couldn’t help a small smile. “However, I don’t want you out there alone for a while.” “I can do it Angel, I proved that.” “I know, it isn’t that I don’t trust you. I just worry.” “Hmmm I think I remember this part of our relationship. You worry, I ignore you.” Angel smiled. “I’d rather you didn’t ignore me now though.” He said seriously. “Please, just for a while, take someone with you?” Buffy sighed. The idea of having someone with her was nice, comforting. She would have help if she needed it. But in return she would be jeopardising their lives. “I…” “It’ll be like it used to be.” Said Angel. “You used to parole with me and sometimes Xander and Willow. This isn’t any different Buffy. I just don’t want you alone for a while.” He could see her internal conflict on her face. “For me?” “OK, OK. You win. For the foreseeable future I shall always be accompanied on patrol. Happy?” “No, but I feel better.” He said smiling and holding his arms wide. Buffy moved into his embrace. Above on yahoo Chapter 27 The next two months Angel patrolled with Buffy most of the time. Whenever he could he drove to Sunnydale for the evening or stayed over when he wasn’t needed in LA. The few occasions he couldn’t make it a combination of Willow, Xander, Anya, Giles and Tara accompanied her. Buffy quite liked the company. After two months she began to visit Angel in LA some weekends, Angel thought it would do her good to approach a different situation and she accompanied the A-Team on a few missions. She seemed to be healing well, both mentally and physically. College was going well, just a few uncomfortable incidents with boys asking her out. Generally she was doing OK. She still wasn’t keen on large crowds but she was getting used to it. Her grades were improving as well. Willow still noticed she zoned out occasionally when they studied together but over all, her concentration was back on form. Willow was pleased because she knew that whenever Buffy got that far away look in her eyes, she was thinking of the attack again and that made Willow both angry and sad, emotions she didn’t like. Riley had been making an effort to stay away from Buffy but eventually he couldn’t help running into her in the library. “Oh, hey.” He said. “Hey Riley. H…How are you?” “Good. You?” “I’m doin' OK.” Riley smiled. “I’m pleased to hear that.” Buffy smiled too. “Yeah. I’m kind of pleased too.” “I uh, heard about Angel.” “Oh.” “It’s OK, I understand.” “You do?” “Well not really. I wanted to rip his throat out when I found out. But I understand why Buffy. I just hope we can still be friends.” “Me too. I know it wasn’t easy for you Riley and I’m sorry I jus….” “Don’t. You have nothing to explain. You were hurting and you shouldn’t have had to look after me too.” Buffy smiled genuinely at him. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome. I’m glad you’re going OK.” Buffy walked away, pleased with how that had gone. Seeing Riley was something she had been dreading but the encounter had gone well. He really did seem to understand. Angel paced as he waited for Buffy to arrive. She was late. Not incredibly late but it didn’t matter to him, 15 minutes was reason enough to panic. Well not panic maybe, just pace up and down until she arrived. Today she was 30 minutes late. That could be because she was held up in school, or traffic congestion, or Willow or Xander were late in picking her up. All of which had happened before. She finally strolled in 33 minutes late. Angel took a deep breath and tried not to show his discomfort. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Buffy, or that he thought she couldn’t handle herself. Indeed he had seen her in action many times since the rape and she was back on form, if not fitter than before. His real dread came from the fact that he wasn’t there to protect her. He hadn’t been there before and she had been raped. Who was to say that couldn’t happen again? “Hi.” He said, walking over to her and kissing her. “Hey yourself.” She looked around the lobby of the hotel. “Much nicer clean.” She said, noting the major cleanup job that had been going on since she last saw the hotel. “Glad you approve.” Buffy smiled and kissed him again. “Sorry I’m late by the way. Willow had to hand a paper in before we left and she couldn’t find it.” “It’s OK.” “I know, I’m just explaining.” Angel kissed her again before telling his good news. “What do you want to do tonight?” he asked. “No monsters on the cards?” asked Buffy. “Not a one. And Gunn is handling the patrol with Wes so we are free.” Buffy squealed and hugged him; it felt like ages since she’d had an evening out. “So?” he asked. “What do I want to do?” “Yeah.” Buffy thought a moment. “You have a video?” Angel shook his head. “Oh yeah it’s one of those ‘new fangled’ things that you and Giles don’t like.” She teased. “I have a computer.” Said Angel in his defense. “Yeah, on Cordie's desk.” His sheepish smile conceded his guilt. “How about the cinema then?” suggested Buffy. Angel froze. The last film they had been to see was… interesting to say the least. What if they chose another one like it. One that Buffy would feel uncomfortable with and Angel would be horribly turned on by. “What?” asked Buffy. “Nothing. I heard that The Lion King was playing a few blocks over.” Buffy looked at him like he was an alien. “On our one night off you want to take me to a kiddies' movie?” “Sorry.” “Angel, what’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing.” “No, you have something face.” “I… I just remembered the last time we went to the cinema. Didn’t want to make the same mistake.” “Last t… Oh!” “Yeah.” Buffy sighed and sat on one of the lobby sofas. “I didn’t mean to bring you down.” He apologised. “You didn’t.” Buffy sighed again, trying to order her thoughts. No matter how well she did there was always a reminder. Be it a couple kissing in the hall, a film, a TV show, a magazine title. Everywhere she went there were reminders of sex and thinking of sex lead to thoughts of her attack. “It isn’t you Angel.” Said Buffy. “I just feel….” She paused, trying to order her thoughts. “I mean it’s been over six months and I know I’m doing well. I just wish that sex wasn’t a big deal. I mean why should other people having sex on a TV screen make me feel bad?” Angel didn’t reply, he had no real answer. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really get over it. The feeling I get, it’s like dread, total dread and I go cold.” She looked up at him. “Will I ever get over it? Will there ever be a time when I can be reminded of sex and not feel it? Let alone have sex.” Angel pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. “You will get over it. Day by day, week by week it gets easier.” He knew of what he spoke, he hand many horrible memories to live with. “It isn’t easy Buffy but it is possible.” Only now both Buffy and Angel’s thoughts were on sex. Oddly though Buffy and Angel's thoughts were now similar, both feeling inadequate. Neither could have sex right now though for different reasons. “Wow, morbid much.” Said Cordie entering the hotel. “Cordeia, I thought I gave you the night off.” Snapped Angel. “Believe me, I wouldn’t witness the Buffy and Angel brood fest if I didn’t have to but I left my tickets here today.” Buffy couldn’t help but smile at Cordelia's style. Even if she had just been insulted, Buffy still missed Cordie sometimes. “So, what do you two love birds have planned tonight?” she asked. “Like you care.” Said Buffy. “Oh I don’t, I was just being polite.” “Get any good acting jobs recently.” Asked Buffy, knowing from Angel that her last audition was for a dog food commercial where only her feet would be shown and she still didn’t get it. Cordelia glared at Angel then stormed out saying. “Sorry, I have friends to meet. You understand if I don’t chat.” “Buffy,” began Angel. “I’m sorry, she’s just…” Buffy turned to him smiling. “It’s OK, I know Cordie.” He was relieved. Cordelia’s attitude was because she didn’t know how to treat Buffy but he still worried she would hurt her. “She does bring up a good point though. What are we doing tonight?” asked Angel. “We could see Cordie's band.” Suggested Buffy. “Where are they playing?” “Some club.” Offered Buffy. “Big help.” Teased Angel. Buffy smiled. “This is your town mister, how should I know where they’re playing.” Above on yahoo Chapter 28 Angel lay in bed that evening watching Buffy sleep. He loved watching her sleep. She was so peaceful and contented when she slept, something he rarely saw when she was awake. It was hell lying in bed with her, seeing her perfect body beside him but unable to do anything but hug her. That wasn’t Buffy’s fault though, that was his curse to blame, once again. But he did hate the fact that if things carried on the way they were, Buffy would never know that kind of intimacy again. Although if they stayed together she would never know that intimacy, regardless of whether she began to heal emotionally or not. Buffy stirred in her sleep and rolled closer to him. Angel brushed a few strands of hair out of her face and kissed her lightly. God, how he wished he could just forget all these things and he and Buffy could just be a normal, ordinary couple. Angel loved Buffy with all his heart; he would do anything for her. But a part of him couldn’t accept she loved him. Deep down he knew how she felt but always at the back of his mind was Riley. She had been happy with him, trusted him, she had said, like she couldn’t trust Angel. He knew those words were only said in anger. But he also knew that if Buffy hadn’t been attacked she would still be with Riley. And he doubted that if he were a normal man, she would be with him. Anyone else would want a sexual relationship with her, it was only natural and Angel couldn’t help but think that if he were that normal man, she would shun him like all the others. When they had been together after his soul was restored they hadn’t had sex but they had been sexually active. There were other things he could do for her. Now she wanted nothing. Angel was OK with that, giving her pleasure only worked him up even more. It wasn’t healthy for her though. A young girl to shun sex totally. He understood why and he was sure it was normal for a rape victim. That didn’t mean he wanted her to stay that way though. He wanted Buffy back. Whole, normal, sexual Buffy, even if they did mean she wouldn’t want him any more. Sometimes he still saw that spark in her eyes. The fire behind her eyes that said she wanted him, all of him, like she used to. Those moments were fleeting though. Sometimes in his darker moments it crossed his mind that if it weren’t for her ordeal he wouldn’t be with her and for the briefest of moments he would be thankful. Then he remembered the pain Buffy endured. Was still enduring in fact. Never would he wish that on her. And he hated himself even more for thinking such a thing. Buffy being back to normal was enough. It would be painful but he could live without her. He had done it before, he could do it again. Buffy stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes. “You still awake?” she asked. “Night owl.” He explained. “Oh, yeah.” Buffy mumbled. She scooted closer and Angel wrapped her in a loving embrace as she rested her head on his chest. Six months later: Angel arrived in Sunnydale at 10 pm, he was late because of unscheduled demon slayage, as Buffy would say. It was almost a year after the attack now and Buffy was almost completely normal. On the outside anyway. Inside he knew she still hurt. He was glad she had such good friends though. He was sure if it wasn’t for them she would be in a much worse state. She was back living with Willow in the dorms of the university but she was at her mother’s house tonight, having dinner. “Angel.” Smiled Joyce as she opened the door for him. “Buffy’s just getting changed. She’ll be down in a minute.” “Thanks.” Joyce led him through to the sitting room and sat opposite him. She looked nervous. “Is something wrong?” asked Angel. Joyce looked over to him. “No, nothing. I just…” she took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I came to see you, just before Buffy graduated?” Angel nodded. How could he forget the ‘stay away from my daughter’ speech. “Well, I’m sorry. I was wrong.” “You don’t need to apologise.” Angel reassured her. “No, I do. I wasn’t happy when the two of you got back together again but I’ve been watching. Her and you. I was wrong Angel. It’s clear that you love each other deeply and I’m certain Buffy’s recovery owes a lot to you.” Angel took those words in a moment. “Thank you.” “Hey guys.” Said Buffy, entering the living room. “Whoa, why the long faces?” “Nothing.” Said her mother. “You two have a nice evening together.” Joyce got up and left them alone. “Hey.” Said Angel, kissing Buffy’s forehead. “How are you?” “I missed you. But other than that I’m fine. I got a B on my psych paper.” “Really?” “Don’t sound so surprised.” Buffy chastised playfully. “I’m not, I’m proud.” “Liar.” Said Buffy, playfully hitting his arm. Buffy and Angel made a sweep of the cemeteries before heading for the Bronze and dusted two vampires. They would do another sweep on their way back. Buffy was comfortable patrolling alone now but she still liked the company so her friends often went with her. Angel still didn’t like her out there alone but he knew that was his problem, not Buffy’s. The whole gang was waiting at the Bronze for them when they arrived. A band called the Eyre were playing tonight and their music was slow and sensual. Buffy didn’t want to dance initially but her friends cajoled her into it. She danced with Willow and Tara mainly since Anya shot her glaring looks. Keep away from my man was implied on her every feature. Angel watched her dance with her friends. She moved so gracefully yet seemed unaware of the power her movements had on the people around her. Most of the men here couldn’t take their eyes off her. By the end of her third dance Angel had had enough. He walked up behind her and spoke softly in her ear. “May I have this dance?” Buffy turned to him and smiled as the next song began playing. She moved into him and wrapped her hands around his waist. They moved slowly to the music and Buffy rested her head on his chest. For a brief moment the world went away until only Buffy and Angel were left in it. Their movements determined by the soft music. Buffy looked up at him, her eyes full of a forgotten passion. She swallowed. “Can we go home now?” Angel nodded. Chances are she wouldn’t want this by the time they got to the mansion. But he was prepared for that. They collected their coats and said brief goodbyes before heading off, the final sweep of the cemeteries all but forgotten. Above on yahoo Chapter 29 Angel had taken to staying in the mansion again on his visits to Sunnydale. He became tired of sleeping on a spare sofa. The place was still furnished and in need of nothing more than cleaning. Angel lit a fire while Buffy sat on a sofa, waiting for him. He returned to her and she kissed him deeply. Angel wasn’t sure how to handle this. Should he go slowly, giving her time to back out? Or should he get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid? He didn’t know which was best. In the end the pace seemed to set itself. Angel let his hands begin to roam her body, as they had done a hundred times before only this time he explored places he hadn’t dared for longer than he cared to remember. Buffy seemed to like it and he became bolder, exploring under her clothes with his gentle touch. He unbuttoned her blouse and his lips left hears, trailing a path of kisses down to her chest. One hand now set about opening her pants. He sat her up, gently pushing her shirt off her shoulders and reaching round to unhook her bra. Buffy still made no objection. Once her top was free clothing he slipped her pants down as Buffy raised her hips to help. Now she wore only a pair of panties. Angel bent down and took a nipple into his mouth, gently rolling it with his tongue. Buffy moaned. Next one hand travelled to her thighs and gently rested there until they parted slightly. He began caressing them, urging them farther apart. His hand crept higher, closer to her sex and he began lightly rubbing her bud through her panties. He felt her stiffen and he looked up at her. “Buffy?” Her face was a mixture of emotions, desire and fear painting a strange picture. “I’m sorry, I can't.” She whispered. Angel smiled reassuringly. “It’s OK.” He pulled her to him and enveloped her in his embrace. Buffy lay there silently for a while. “I want to.” She eventually said. “I want to so much. I just… I can't. I’m sorry.” Angel kissed her hair lightly. “It’s OK Buffy. You have nothing to be sorry for.” She eventually drifted off to sleep in that position and Angel carried her through to the bedroom, lying down beside her. He wondered if tonight had been a good thing or a bad thing. He hoped he hadn’t made things worse for her. Buffy awoke in the morning, curled up on Angel’s chest. She often wondered how they could sleep so intimately together. Riley had been a restless sleeper and they had never slept in an embrace like she so often did with Angel. She looked down at him as he slept, recalling the events of last night. Her desire had been real. It still was. He was wearing pants but she could feel the cool flesh of his torso pressing into her chest. She wanted him, no doubt at all. But she was afraid. Afraid she would ruin it, that her attack would come flooding back and she would end up reliving the ordeal. She knew she couldn’t have full sex with Angel but any touching down there scared her. Lying there new she had to find a way to get over this. Somehow she had to find her way back to who she was before. Then an odd feeling ran through her, guilt. The guilt that she used to feel with Angel that he was able to pleasure her but she could do nothing for him. Time and again he reassured her but she always felt uncomfortable with the situation. Now that she was seeking to return to the status quo, her feelings returned. And if she did get over this, would he leave her again claiming she needed a normal life? Angel stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes, smiling at her when he saw her. Then she decided she wanted him and would do what it took to be with him. But she would also need a promise that he wouldn’t leave her again. Both of which were doable, she hoped. Chapter 30 Buffy returned to the mansion that evening after sunset. Angel sat reading a book in front of the fire. He smiled when he noticed her. “Hi.” Buffy was uncomfortable and offered a weak, “Hi,” back. “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting his book aside and looking at her concerned. Buffy took a deep breath and sat on the hearth, beside the fire. “We need to talk.” She said. Angel nodded. “OK.” “First I want you to promise me something.” “OK.” “Whatever happens, if you feel like leaving me again, don’t make the decision alone. You don’t know what’s best for me. All right?” “I promise.” “Good, no leaving.” She confirmed. Taking another deep breath she began. “You know I love you right?” Angel nodded. “Good. And you know that I want you, in every way?” Again he nodded. “Right, well, I’ve been looking into things, on the net. People who have sexual problems.” Angel wasn’t sure where this was going but he listened patiently, hoping a point would be made soon. “Anyway, I found this therapy, sensual therapy or something. Basically we touch each other and stuff but there’s no sex. We’re not allowed to do anything sexual for like six weeks. It’s supposed to desensitise you and reawaken desire. The no sex thing is so neither side feels under any pressure.” “You want to try this?” Buffy nodded. “The guys are patrolling for me tonight and I brought some things to help.” She said, gesturing to her bag, which lay on the floor. Angel picked the bag up and looked at Buffy to make sure that it was OK to look inside. She nodded and he opened the bag. Scented oil, some candles and a CD. There were also some loose sheets of paper in there. He picked them up and read them. It was the treatment program Buffy had been talking about called Sensate Focus. The paper described what happened each week, how far the touching was allowed to go. First two weeks, nothing sexual, no touching of any area that could be interpreted as sexual, clothing optional depending on how comfortable the person felt. The next two weeks caressing of sexual areas was allowed. In the final two weeks mutual masturbation was introduced then at the end of the six weeks, full sex was allowed. Although this varied depending on how ready both parties were. It seemed like a good place to start, Buffy could always back out if she wanted. “I thought we could start with a massage. You go first.” Said Buffy. “Get changed and lie on the bed, I’ll be in in a sec.” Angel did as she asked and removed his shirt and lay on the bed. Buffy came in a few moments later and lit the candles and played the music. She straddled his hips, poured a few drops of oil on his back, and began massaging it in. Angel lay there, afraid to show any appreciation because this was new. Would his moans of appreciation be taken as sexual? The literature had said that you should let it be known what you liked but Angel found himself unable to. There was plenty of time for that once Buffy was more comfortable. He had to admit he was turned on. Nevertheless, he lay still and silent, letting Buffy work on his back. By the time she was finished, Angel was so relaxed he was almost asleep. Buffy leaned down and kissed his neck. “Enjoy that?” “Mmm.” “My turn.” She said, climbing off his hips. Angel rolled out of the way and Buffy wriggled into the middle of the bed. Carefully she pulled her top off and unhooked her bra, although she left it on. Angel now returned the favour and began massaging her back. He could feel she was tense. Hardly surprising but he did his best to work the tension out of her. Thirty minutes later she lay there, putty in his hands. “I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed.” She purred. Angel smiled to himself. He loved pleasing her. Chapter 31 Over the next two months Buffy and Angel practised the sensate therapy whenever they could, which was mainly just weekends. They had moved onto stage two but Buffy hadn’t shown any desire to go further. That suited Angel just fine because going much further wasn’t something he could do. That was also one of the reasons for Buffy’s hesitancy. With the programs focus on the here and now, it was quite possible she could make Angel happy again because he wouldn’t be thinking of the ramifications of losing his soul, just enjoying the sensations. That was something she really didn’t want to face again. Especially not now. Unable to take the risk of going too much further she consulted Willow. “You want me to invalidate the curse?” “Yeah.” “You mean you and Angel want to, you know.” “I don’t know, Willow. This sensation therapy thingy I told you about is going well but there’s only so much we can do, risk free. I don’t know if we will, you know. But if the curse isn’t an obstacle, then if I am ready, we can try.” Willow’s brow creased as she thought. “Is there anything?” “Maybe. I really don’t know enough about the curse and it’s origins.” “But you’ll look into it, right?” “Of course. Are you seeing Angel again this weekend?” Buffy smiled. “Yeah. We’re going ice skating.” “Aww, sounds like fun.” Buffy smirked. “It is, when you watch Angel.” “Isn’t he good? ‘Cos I’d have thought, with the whole vampire grace and stealth thing, he would be.” “Not only is he not good, he keeps carving up the ice every time he falls on his butt.” Laughed Buffy. Willow giggled at the image. “Sounds like a blast.” Buffy’s laughter subsided into a happy smile. “Yeah, it is. He tries, you know? He’ll do anything as long as I’m happy.” Willow smiled, knowing that feeling well herself. She would do anything to put a smile on Tara’s face. A week later Willow had much research but no cure. “I’ve exhausted every resource I have Buffy. I just don’t know enough about the Romany to understand things completely. If Miss Calendar were here maybe she could help but I can't find anything.” “You’ve tried the net?” “Of course. I do have a friend in LA, he’s sending out feelers for anyone with knowledge of the Romany tribe. I haven’t heard back yet. I also have some on line friends looking into curses in general. If there’s a spell to get around one curse, it might be adaptable for another.” Buffy smiled. “I know it might not be possible Will, but I appreciate you trying.” “Not a problem. It feels good to stretch the witchcraft muscles. And I’ve learnt so much looking into this stuff. Tara says it’s making me all brainy and she likes it.” “She got a thing for the intelligence hey? Well I’d be careful, these superficial hussies, once the brain power goes, they move on.” Willow grinned.” So how goes things with Angel?” she asked. Buffy couldn’t keep the smile from her lips. “Great actually. I wish I could see more of him but in some ways I think only seeing him on weekends keeps things fresh, know what I mean?” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” “Exactly.” Willow had something she needed to talk to Buffy about and hoped now would be a good time. “Look, Buffy. This is probably none of my business but…” she sighed. “Well, what’s happening between you and Angel?” “Happening how?” “I don’t want to put a damper on things but, nothing's changed. Do you two have a future or plans?” Buffy understood where her friend was coming from. “Honestly? I don’t know where we’re going, I don’t know if we have a future. All I do know is that my life has been hell, and having him in it makes it just a bit more bearable.” “What happens when you reach the same point though?” “I don’t know. I’m not stupid Will. I know that even if you do find a cure for the curse, that’s the least of our problems. I mean I’ll never be the same as I was, he’s eternal, I’m going to age, that’s if I don’t die young which most slayers do so… I really don’t know. All I know is that I love him and he’s been there for me and I want him to carry on being there.” She paused a moment. “And it’s not like any relationship is perfect. I mean Xander’s dating an ex-demon, you’re gay, mom’s divorced. No one has it easy.” “It’s true. I just don’t want to see you hurt again.” “Me either.” Willow smiled. “And this therapy you two have been doing?” “That’s going really well. Of course he won't let me do it back to him very often so it’s kind of one sided.” “But no scary flashbacks?” “A few in the beginning. The focusing on the here and now though, really helps. If I start to feel bad I just concentrate on the touch, how it feels. It soon passes.” “You know I’ll do anything I can to find a cure don’t you.” “I never doubted it Will. And if you can’t, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Buffy arrived late to the Bronze due to patrol and found her friends already there. “Hey, it’s the Buffster!” greeted Xander. “Hi Xand, where is everyone?” “Currently dancing.” “Why aren’t you?” “I got table saving duty. And I can’t dance.” Buffy smiled. “I’m gonna get a drink, you want?” “Nah, I’m good.” Buffy shed her coat, leaving it on a chair and headed for the bar. The Bronze was busier than normal thanks to a bank holiday on Monday so Buffy had to wait patiently for a drink. She looked around the club, taking in the atmosphere and humming along to the music. Then she noticed him. He was about 20, drunk and making a fool of himself. Currently he was pawing a woman who clearly wasn’t interested. Buffy shivered, wondering if she should intercede. She saw she didn’t have to as the women broke free and slapped him before storming off. The guy looked shocked as he watched her walk away, until another young women passed him. “Hey darlin’,” he called, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and walking beside her. Buffy decided he needed watching. Right now he was a creepy guy, a few more drinks and he could become a nasty creepy guy. Buffy was dancing when she saw creep guy turn nasty, about an hour later. “Be right back.” She said to Willow, leaving her alone on the dance floor. Creep guy was currently pinning a girl to the wall, touching her. The girl was trying to push him off, but she wasn’t strong enough. Buffy strode up behind them and grabbed the creep by the collar of his shirt. She easily pulled him off and threw him to the floor a few feet away. “No means no.” she said, before turning back to the girl. “Are you OK?” she asked. “Fine, he didn’t do any real damage.” She said with relief. “You have friends here?” “Yeah, I was just looking for them when he found me.” “Come on, I’ll help you look.” Offered Buffy. “Thanks. Where did you learn to do…” “HEY!” Buffy turned to see the creep on his feet. She waited for him to continue. “We was just playin'.” He said. Buffy took a deep breath and tried to keep her cool. “Monopoly is playing, Twister is playing, that was sexual assault and if I had my way you’d be in jail right about now.” The creep walked up to her. Buffy held her ground as the girl shied back a few steps. Buffy’s heart raced but logically she knew she was in no danger as she met his gaze. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. “You ought not to mess in other peoples business. It isn’t healthy. I bet you’re just like the rest aren’t you, you tease and get a guy all worked up, then you back out. Yeah, I bet that’s you.” He said, looking down at her outfit. Buffy dressed more conservatively these days, not that she dressed like a slut before. She just tended to wear more layers, longer skirts and sleeves. Right now though she felt naked under his gaze. From nowhere she floored him, hearing a crunch as she connected with his nose. “If I ever see you do anything like that again, I’ll put you in the hospital for a week.” She said in a low, menacing voice. She turned away to see the girl from earlier had fled. Buffy didn’t mind, that’s what she wanted to do right now. It took all her strength to walk to the door and not run, but she did walk, with her head held high. Outside the club she began taking in huge lungfuls of air, almost gasping. Her eyes pricked with tears as she leaned on the wall of the Bronze for support. Willow rushed out a few moments later. “Buffy!” she said with concern as she spied her friend. “Are you alright?” Buffy took in a few more lungfuls of air before she could calm down enough to talk. “Yeah.” She said, wiping at her eyes. “Just… you know.” Willow placed her hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “Want me to get your coat?” “Please.” Buffy was still shaking when she got back to the dorm. “Get changed.” Willow ordered, taking charge. “I’ll get you a drink.” Buffy did as she was told and changed into her PJ’s as Willow poured two fingers of brandy that Angel had left there, into a glass. Buffy climbed under her covers and took the offered drink. She knew from past experience that it was pretty much the only think that could stop her shaking. It tasted awful though and she pulled a face after each sip. Willow sat on the bed. “You did good.” She said. “I know. I just couldn’t handle it. When he said I was a tease, I just… I shouldn’t have hit him.” “Don’t be ridiculous, he had it coming Buffy. I know it can’t have been easy but you handled it, you didn’t break down and you didn’t kill him. I’d say it was an all round success.” Buffy smiled. “Thanks Will.” “Wanna watch a movie?” “Oh god, I ruined your night. Sorry.” “You didn’t ruin my night. I was planning on an early night anyway. You know me, study geek.” “I am sorry.” Said Buffy sincerely. Willow took Buffy’s hand. “I’m not.” “How did I ever end up with a friend like you?” “I think saving my life was a good start.” Willow said with a smile. Buffy opened her arms and Willow fell into the hug. “I’m thinking The Breakfast Club.” Said Buffy as Willow sat back. “An excellent choice. Move over.” Willow found the video and placed it in the machine, then took a big bag of chips from the cupboard before squeezing onto Buffy’s bed with her. Above on yahoo Chapter 32 Buffy lay in bed, sleep a distant dream for her tonight. She looked over at Willow who slept peacefully, mumbling occasionally. Buffy looked over to the brandy bottle. It would be so easy, just finish it and oblivion would await. Her sleeping pills were long gone, she hadn’t needed then in a while. Watching TV was out, it would wake Willow up. Buffy stared up at the ceiling and decided to try the relaxation technique Angel has taught her. She closed her eyes and pictured a beach, the warm sun on her skin, the sand between her toes, the gentle lap of the waves on the shore. Buffy took a deep breath and looked around the beech. Creep man sat on a beach towel, pawing another women. Buffy opened her eyes. OK, try another one. She closed her eyes and pictured a meadow, the lush green, dew covered grass under her feet, the trees in the distance gently swaying in the breeze, the warm summer air sweeping her hair off her face. Buffy sat down on the cool grass and took some deep breaths. More slow, deep, relaxing breaths. More. More. She opened her eyes. It wasn’t working. She glanced over to the brandy bottle again. It wasn’t like she was a lush, or an alcoholic. It was a one time thing, a crutch. Tomorrow was a bank holiday, nothing to get up for, no reason not to drink it. No reason at all. Carefully Buffy pulled her bed clothes back and crept from her bed, grabbing her empty glass and the bottle on her way to the door. Willow woke early the next morning. It might be a holiday but her body clock was programmed to wake her up. She lay there a few moments, enjoying the fact she didn’t have to get up. Finally, having enjoyed the freedom enough, but not enough to feel guilty, she got up and noticed Buffy wasn’t in bed. Willow checked her clock. 6:19. Buffy never got up that early. Unless he had a bad night. Willow sighed, there she had been, sleeping like a log and Buffy had obviously been tossing and turning. She felt like an awful friend. Willow grabbed her bathroom bag and headed out, once dressed she would find Buffy and try and make it up to her. Willow returned to see Buffy still wasn’t back. She dressed and headed for the door when it occurred to her that Buffy always made the bed before going out. Willow looked around the room, feeling like she had missed something. Then she noticed the brandy bottle. “No, Buffy.” She whispered. She checked the cupboard just to be sure but there was no bottle. With a sigh Willow headed out to find, Buffy, now knowing exactly where she would be. “Buffy, Buffy.” She called, rubbing Buffy’s shoulder as she spoke. Buffy groaned and swatted Buffy’s hand away. “Buffy, you’re sleeping in the TV room, people are going to be up soon, do you want them to find you?” A groaned reply. “You’re drooling.” Willow said. Finally Buffy stirred and opened her eyes. “Willow?” she moaned. “Yes.” “Where am I?” “You fell asleep in the TV room. No one’s up yet, let's get you back to bed before they find you.” Buffy sat up, her head thumping. “I’m sorry.” She mumbled. “Don’t be, just get up,” she said, helping her friend to her feet. Buffy could walk but not exactly straight, so Willow guided her back to their dorm room and settled her into bed. “Thanks Will.” Said Buffy, curling into the bed. “Not so fast.” Said willow. “What?” Willow retrieved two Tylenol from her first aid bag and handed them to Buffy. Buffy looked at the pills like they were aliens while Willow got some water. “Here, take them.” “Why?” “It’ll stop the hangover when you wake up.” That sounded nice. Buffy swallowed the pills and curled back into her bed covers. Willow sighed and took out her latest research on the curse and began reading on her bed. Buffy awoke a few hours later. “Morning.” Said Buffy, a little sheepishly. Willow looked up from her research. “Hi. How do you feel?” “Awful. My mouth feels like cotton wool, my head is all fuzzy, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna puke sometime soon.” Willow nodded. She didn’t want to berate Buffy for her actions but she also didn’t condone them. She was left with nothing to say.
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