I sat in the room that had been built by my father so long ago. I looked at all of the firmiliar things. This place brought back so many memories. But none of them would have prepared me for the way I felt. For what I would loose.
I can remember the screams that wouldn't stop. I remember her face. So young and innocent. Why was she taken from me? When we finally found one another. I'll tell you the whole story of how it happened.
Six months earlier
I sat in the desk finishing my paper. After I was done I went back to my room. I layed down on my bed. I looked around at the boarding room I called home for now while I was away at College in Denver. It was nice but I missed my family so much. I looked over at the picture of them on the table next to the bed. I was missing out in all of their lives. Ma had just had twins and I never saw them. I soon fell asleep exhausted from another hard day of school.
I woke up the next morning. I got dressed and then I went downstairs to get my mail. Their were letters from Colleen, Matthew, Ma, and many other friends. But then I came upon a letter that didn't have a return address. I sat down and opened it.
Dear Brian,
I have not seen or heard from you in over a year. Last I heard you were in Denver going to College. I am glad for you. I am doing well. My ma remarried a few months ago. He is a nice man and he cares about me and my Ma a lot. I know that when I moved away two years ago it was hard on you, but I can't stop thinking about you. I am writing to tell you that when you told me the you loved me I got scared and ran. But know I am going home to Colorado. I am hoping that maybe one day after you are out of College you can forgive me and maybe we can start our relationship over again. But if that is too much to ask for, I would then like to be your dear friend.
Love Always,
Sarah
I stared blankly at the letter for a long time. How could I not forgive her. She was the love of my life. No one ever made me feel the way I did when I was with her. Her blonde hair, her deep blue eyes, her soft skin. I loved everything about her. She was perfect in every way. I felt that I need to go home for the first time in months. I needed to see her and I needed to be near my family.
I packed quickly and got a ticket on the next train. Within a day I was stepping off the train into Colorado Springs. I walked over to the clinic and knocked on the door. Andrew opened the door.
"Brian! I didn't know you were coming."
"It's a surpise for Ma and Pa."
Andrew gave me a big hug and said,"It so good to see you."
"Where is Ma?",I ask him.
"Ever since Michaela had the twins three weeks ago she asked me to take care of the clinic. So Here I am."
"Thank you Andrew."
"Your Welcome."
After I visited with Andrew for awhile I talked to a few old friends. As I walked down the main street. A tall man in a buckskin jacket with long hair was walking toward me with his three children with him.
John and Katie came running toward me screaming my name. I picked them both up at once and gave them each a big hug. I gave my Pa a big hug and then I took my little sister Alexa from him. I had called her Alexa since she was born everyone else called her Alex though. She had gotten so big.
"It's good to have you home son.",my Pa told me.
I replied,"It's great to be home."
"Come on Michaela and Colleen probably have supper done."
So we all got into the wagon and rode home. It felt strange to call it home. Somehow it didn't quite feel the same way as it once did. Before it was my home, but now it was my parent's home. As the homestead came into view, it's beauty had struck my heart. I loved this place more than anything.
I got down from the wagon. I picked Alexa up and walked inside of the homestead. Ma and Colleen were in the kitchen cooking dinner. I got a good look at her before she noticed I was there. She looked so skinny and pale, but she had peacefulness about her. As if everything in the world was just right with her.
Michaela stopped what she was doing when she me standing there holding Alexa. She walked over to me. She hugged me tightly. I knew that she missed me deeply.
"Oh Brian I didn't think that you be coming for another month."
"Yeah I know. But I needed to see you. I missed all of you so much. Especially you Ma."
"I am so glad your here. You have to see the twins."
She grabbed my free hand and took me upstairs into her and Pa's room. Their in the crib were two small little babies. One of them was awake playing with their fingers, the other was asleep.
"Can I hold them?"
"Of course.",she replied and took Alex from me. I reached in and grabbed the infant that was awake.
Then Ma said,"David Patrick Sully, I'd like you to meet your older brother Brian Cooper."
His fingers grabbed a hold of my finger. He held onto it as if he would never let go. I never knew what it was like to love someone so much that it hurt. I looked into his deep baby blue eyes. They looked like Pa's. My heart melted as he gigled and smiled.
Later on that night as we all sat down to dinner Andrew started talking about some of the cases he had.
"A woman and her two children came in today. They were having pain in their side. I belive it to be their kidneys. I have had several cases like this. I hope nothing serious is going on."
I never knew how much those cases that Andrew was talking about would grow worse and effect me for the rest of my life in a negative way.
A few days later I was leaving the General Store when I ran into her. Her hair was longer, and she was no longer a little girl. She stood before me as a young woman. She had tears in her eyes when she say me. I gave her a smile.
"Sarah it's good to see you."
"It's good to see you too Brian."
"Are you home for the summer?"
"No, Uh we don't get out for the summer for another month. I am just visiting my family."
"Well I am glad I ran into you. Is there anyway we can have supper together tomorrow night. We can catch up.",she replied.
"Alright. Seven o'clock at Grace's.", I told her.
"See you then.",she told me.
We sat down to dinner later that night. We started talking about school and her mother. It was nice to catch up on everything that happened. She reached her hand over and put it ontop of mine. She sqeezed my hand. I sqeezed her hand too.
"Brian I love you so much. I always have. I just couldn't get the words out to tell you. I never wanted to leave you. I hope that you can understand why and forgive me for my mistake."
"Of course I can forgive you Sarah. I have never hated you for leaving. I was hurt though, but I did understand."
All of a sudden my Ma came running toward us. She was screaming for us to get over to the clinic know.
"Brian we got and emergency. We need your help."
All three of us ran to the clinic. Andrew was inside with a young girl on the table. She was gasping for breath. She had blood all over her. I stood frozen as I watched in horror.
"Brian hold the light up for Andrew. Sarah I want you to dab her forehead with cool water."
I asked Ma,"What's wrong with her?"
"I believe she is coming down with something serious. She has a high fever and she is suffering from chills."
I asked them,"What is it?"
"I believe that is is smallpox. She must have been suffering from it a long time. She is in advanced stages."
"In small children it can be deadly. It can cause braindamage, spinal cord and paralysis."
"Is she gonna be alright."
"Brian in children smallpox is deadly. She hasn't been treated her chances of survival aren't good."
That is when it all started for me. The nightmare began at that very second. I had thought that I was invisible up till that moment, but I would was very wrong. I blinked and in a second my whole life turned upside down.
With in a few days the disease had spread like wildfire. So many of my friends became sick. Ma and Andrew were doing everything that they could. But so many were sick and even close to death. I wanted to run and just keep running away from all of the terrible screams that I heard.
They started to die one by one. First Jenny, then Jared, and then a young child that I did not know, but wanted to know. Then Sarah became very ill. I stood by herside. I watched her grow weaker. I watched her beautiful face grow so pale and thin. She looked so different sick and weak lying in bed.
After Ma finished her examination of Sarah I looked at her with hope. Ma just stared at me with painful tears in her eyes and shook her head. My heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Everything in the room stopped. She was dying and there was nothing that anyone could do to prevent it. My knees began to buckle from underneath me. I fell to the floor on my knees. I prayed and begged to God to spare her.
A few days later Sarah had gotten worse and I knew that her time was near. I held her hand to my lips and kissed it. It felt so cold and lifeless. I watched her look at me one last time and then her eyes closed and her chest stopped.
I fell over her body and I cried. I cried for her. The ache my heart felt was so great. I couldn't make it stop. I thought it never would stop.
I stood at her funeral and I listened to the words the reverend said, but they had no meaning to me. I stood frozen and lifeless. All of the spirit and life I once had was gone. I felt my Ma touch my hand as the service ended. Then I felt my Pa put his arm on my shoulder. But I was in a daze. I walked my horse and I mounted and I rode home along side the wagon but I wasn't really there. I was in a nightmare.
We all sat down to eat dinner a few weeks later. I never said much. I moved the food around on my plate. Nothing tasted good anymore. I moved in a mechanical movement ever since she had died.
I soon returned to school. I threw myself in to my studies. Trying to keep my mind off of her. I kept myself busy so that my mind wouldn't start thinking about her. Soon school was out for the summer. My parents wanted me to come home for the three months, but I couldn't face them or Colorado Springs. It was still to painful.
So I enlisted into the Navy. I traveled the rough seas for those three months. I did as I was told and never complained. It didn't matter to me if I had to do something I didn't want to. Nothing mattered without her.
I kept a journal on those long weeks at sea. Writing about what I saw and my experiences. I also wrote two or three letters a week to my parents to let them know where I was and how I was doing.
On the long cold nights I would stand up on the deck and look over at the sea. I could so easily throw myself over and end all of the pain so quickly, but my family would then have to deal with my pain. Then as I stared at the stars I remembered the conversation that I had with my Pa after Horace tried to commit suicide. He had told me that it was something I never would do.
And then I knew that I wanted to live. That I needed to live for so many reasons. I knew that Sarah was gone and that she was never coming back. But that was no reason for me to spend the rest of my life unhappy and depressed. I finally found the way that I had lost so many months ago.
After my three months at sea I was discharged and I went home to Colorado Springs. As I stood looking at the homestead I knew for the first time in months that I was finally home to the people I loved and who loved me so much. I saw my Ma run out of the front door to me. I opened my arms and I accepted her into them in a loving embrace. At that moment I knew that life would go on no matter what happened, and that life was all I wanted. I knew I wanted to live and my nightmare was finally over.